Day 163: Criticism based on unverified assumption

During the day my mind is creating a lot of backchats or automatic thoughts that influence the relationship between myself and others. Some thoughts are so prominent that I am able to notice and stop them immediately and some are so subtle that slip bye and create unconscious suppressed emotional reactions within me. Such energetic reactions that are mostly criticism, anger, and envy have already years ago started to manifest as irritated itchy part of my skin around the genital area. When I first started with the Desteni process it assisted me a lot and condition of my skin improved significantly. However, in recent months, I am experiencing increased irritation so I decided to look at the causes for that.

I will take an example from today when I experienced itchy sensation on my skin and I stopped in order to identify the underlying thoughts. It happened when in the morning I checked my Facebook profile and noticed new friendship requests from two young females. I have been single for the last couple of years however I have not been actively seeking for a partner since my focus has been on some projects with the intent to firstly provide a better financial stability for me. Because I associate personal relationships with increased costs I want to have enough money before attempting to create a family. However, I am open to starting dating any girl that would show interest in me. So in case of new female friendship requests, I immediately check their status, the reason for wanting to connect with me, if they are single and without kids. Then also what their interests are, what is their profession and current job and if they have potential to also collaborate with me also on the projects that I am involved in at this moment.

In regards to my female Facebook friends who already having own children, I consider such situation with two different perspectives. From personal views, I am not interested in starting a relationship with a single mother because I know how complicated such relationship is and how involvement with a biological father of children can make things difficult. In fact, such was exactly the situation with my last girlfriend and I do not want to experience it again. But from a business view, any parent with young children is a potential buyer of my new product since my friend and I have developed an educational software that accelerates learning and especially assists preschool kids to develop their core life potentials. So today I checked the photos of my new female Facebook friends and noticed that one had some photos with around 2 years old child which indicates that she is a mother. And since there were no photos of her and a child with a guy, I concluded that she has separated and is single.

So far such observations triggered no reactions within me. However, after that, I started to judge this single mother in my mind about her irresponsible behavior of having a child at such a young age and not making sure that the father would stay and support her and their baby. When I look at myself how come I created such a belief, I can see that there are two components related to this. One is that my younger brother has two daughters that are now already in the secondary school because he also became a father very early. His children were the product of a very emotional relationship and I know that they had to go through a lot of troubles while growing up. And my brother also did not want me to influence them so he persuaded his wife to block me on Facebook and prevent me to communicate with their children online. So there are some elements of resentment here and I could also have some envy towards my brother for having kids while I still have none.

Then there is also a dimension of justification and wanting to be more than others. There certainly is a lot of truth in that young partners have not a lot of life experiences, are expected to be more emotional and thus also children suffer more than couples who decide to have children 10 or more years later. It is definitely a good thing to work on yourself first as much as possible to clear many of problematic mind patterns that we all inherit mostly from our parents and thus prevent them to be transferred and consequently create harm to our children. And from that reason I am also continuing with working on myself, clearing points of separation from my mind and thus preparing myself to be a responsible parent. However, the problem here is my starting point of wanting to be more than others which I inherited from my father and he also constantly motivated me to be the best I can. 

Thus it is perfectly fine for me to perfect myself from the point of wanting to contribute to our society and future generations to improve. The point of separation is, however, wanting to be better than others in order to feel good and attract attention from others. Such tendency creates constant comparison where I am checking if others are aligned with my ideals of responsible parents. In a case when I see that a woman has become a mother in early years I start to judge her, especially in case of divorce. And consequently, I have also been justifying not having own children yet with me being a responsible individual and not considering other influences that shaped my life. While in fact if I would be born in the position of my younger brother, my life experience would be very different.

I wrote this blog post already several weeks ago and wanted to add the self-forgiveness statements however I did not manage to find enough motivation and time to do it. So today I finally decided to move on and post it as it is and start a new blog post. During this time also a very supportive audio interview came out that is very related to also manifest consequences that I experience on my skin so I invite you to listen to it if you face similar mind patters:

Interview Request - Jock Itch

Day 162: Emotional awareness

I tend to think about myself as someone who does what is bast for all, is guided by the principle of oneness and equality and is passionate about the projects that improve situation on this planet. Also I believed that I am a very emotionally stable person and free from any energetic addictions. Yet despite of being involved in several such project in the past years, I noticed how my initial excitement diminishes over time and I become less motivated to collaborate with other project members. Some kind of strange resistance appears within me and I get the feeling of heaviness and tiredness. Yesterday when I went out for a walk something opened in me end I came to realise what are the underling patterns that sabotage me at working effectively as part of a larger group.

The first point that came to me was how as the eldest child I have been raised up to be a serious and obedient person that does what parents instructs me to. And in our family my father was the most influential figure since he due to his low self-esteem and loosing his father when he was very young constantly search for recognition from others and wanted to be a good provider. He managed to be successful at that by being a very creative and innovative and pleasing others by positively surprising them. When me and my younger brother became part of our family I can now see how he in a way desired for his children to be provided for in the best way he could manage however at the same time my brother and I became a threat to him since we represented a riving party and started to compete with our father for attention and recognition. This is why I think jealousy developed within him and started to suppress us.

When my father started to develop our family sign-making and screen-printing business and we after completing the secondary school became his employees, such relationship got a whole new dimension. This is because I worked in the initial stage of pre-press and graphic design and when I made a mistake at visual design my brother would then print it on not so cheap products and would result in a lot of costly damage. I was pressured to work fast and my father would come onto me with extreme emotion of anger any time I made a mistake. And I also was not allowed to express myself creatively since all what matters to my father was that the products were printed as fast as possible and the quality of my visual graphic design did not matter at all. Often when I did some design he wanted me to change it to something that I did find it appropriate at all. This is also why I eventually decided to stop working for him and started my own business of creative graphic design where I had the opportunity to express myself creatively.

However even when working for my own clients his criticism remained deeply rooted within me as self-criticism in form of the back-chat in my mind that created a fear that my clients will equally not like my designs and will want me to change them. And also during the years of being an employee of my father I was pressured to work from morning to evening and started to burn out. Thus while working for my own clients I always hurried to finish the order immediately and then enjoyed my free time. Because of all that I feel that I have become conditioned to enjoy free time and wait for someone to tell me to do something and then I would execute that order precisely as instructed in order for others to be satisfied with me, to pay me fairly and then I would again just enjoy life and wait for the next order. Thus I like to complete the tasks as fast as possible and this reflects in checking my emails and social messages several times per day and making sure that my inbox is always empty. Equally when I cook, I immediately wash, wipe dry and tidy the dishes. My kitchen and my office desk are always clean and ready for the new projects.

I realised that I have become very sensitive to being pressured and that I do not allow anymore to be pushed and bullied anymore. So if someone wants me to do something and pushes me too much or if the instructions are not clear enough or if I do not get payed fairly and especially if I am to compete with others a strong resistance emerges within me. I am rather having a relaxed life with less money than earning a lot of money while being under stress all the time. In last several years I also participated in several international projects where there was a potential for me to earn a lot of money but all those projects failed to perform and I ended in some debt. This is also why I became mistrustful towards projects of others where I do not have significant control about the outcome. I learned that easiest way for me to earn the money is to work directly for the end client who respects my work and pays me fairly.

But then I started to ask myself if such life in the comfort zone is good for my personal development and I concluded that it is not. What I came to realise is that I have been living a quite elitist life where my father provided for all my needs and much more and that I took all of this for granted. Yes, I was under pressure by him but I did never ask myself how he has managing to successfully provide for our family and what kind of personal struggles he went through. Of course he also did not want to share his bag of tricks with me even if I expressed my curiosity about it. Thus in some way I tend to play a victim in order to show him that he did not equip me for a successful independent life because he wanted me to live in his house indefinitely. He never planned for me to move out and when I told him that I met a girlfriend and that I will move in with her to our own apartment he threatened that if I leave then he will never again want to see or accept me again.

Now after living on my own for almost 20 years I have started to ask myself if I am any better than my father. Because at least he managed to raise two of his children, maintain a successful business and I am at age 43 again single, without any kids, in debts and on unemployment support. I justify this by believing that I am instead of wanting to provide only for my family focusing mostly on contributing with changing of the global system so that every single living being will eventually be supported unconditionally. Yet I wonder what my impact actually is and how good of example I am if I do not take care properly for my own basic financial needs. Thus I decided to restart some of my previous business activities and then challenge myself in creating my own organisation where I will employ others. I see this as something that I need to do in order to break out of the limiting patterns that I copied from my father and also from those that I created by myself as the solution to cope with the pressures of my father.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational video titled Emotional Awareness from the Videos series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 161: My core patterns network

Lately, I have been thinking about the current state of my life, what I want to achieve and what are my limitations that prevent me in fulfilling such agenda. What I first noticed is that at this moment I am living a quite safe and comfortable life by staying in a small room where I live and also work using my computer. I receive some money from national unemployment support service and I do some design work for my father which brings me some additional money to cover my monthly bills. Then there is some debt that I have accumulated in recent years that I want to get rid of as soon as possible and for that purpose, I am collaborating on some international projects that have the potential to solve my current situation. However, I have noticed that collaborating with some groups is quite challenging since there is very limited amount of communication and many things are not clear. Consequently, I can not move on and have to wait for days or even weeks before moving to the next step. And that is just a peak of the mountain of all the issues connected to such projects.

The point is that I was able to earn a lot of money while having my visual communications creative business and when I was doing sales for the biggest national business directory. But after the financial recession and me doing some other kind of businesses where I wanted to develop a line of promotional products, creating a mutual business with my ex-girlfriend, selling some overpriced product, promoting MLM businesses and developing alternative currencies, things did not go so well as I would want to. I am quite tired of having to rely on someone else so I have now decided to take things again in my own hands and restart my original graphic design, web development, and professional photography services. I think that those are services that will always be needed by businesses in order for them to succeed in what they do and I also do not have to worry much about not being paid for my work.

But what I was wondering in regards all that is how much my core patterns influence my personal and business decisions and also my success in what I do. What I already became aware of is how the influence of my parents during my early years of childhood and also later years of working at our family company shaped me extensively. Thus I became introverted recognition-seeking perfectionist who best works alone using computers under the guidance of superior and is very critical in regards to visual presentation. I worked a lot in recent years in terms of redefining myself, overcoming my limitations and expanding my capabilities. I am skilled in working with computers, however, sitting behind the desk for long hours is not very ergonomic. Thus I desire to work in more of a natural environment where I can take regular brakes as often as I want and enjoy the company of plants and animals. However how to get there is the question and I see it also connected with a significant monetary investment.

Besides that after becoming aware of a lot of things about the history and the current state of existence I want to contribute as much as possible to improve the situation in this world. Primarily this means to continue and deepen my process of self-perfection which will require a lot of time. And possibly develop a farm to be an example of how to live in harmony with all living being as equals. Maybe even having my own family to raise the kids in the best way possible in order for them to continue the work of improving the human race. Of course, there are other possibilities of achieving such goal besides investing my own money. Such project could be manifested by using crowdfunding and public grants and even by excited private investors. So all options are opened it is only up to me how to conceive it and staying focused enough time in order for it to manifest in this physical reality.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Working for a Business Vs the Business Working for You from the The Soul of Money series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 160: Worrying during work tasks

Not so long ago I join a international NGO that needed a logo for their new brand. Initially I became part of their internal graphic design team where each of us contributed with our logo design suggestions. After a while the organisation management got tired of waiting for us to come with a acceptable logo and decided to outsource it to one of popular international design contesting websites. Each of internal designers got payed in our cryptocurrency but of course not as much as the designer that eventually won the contest. When the head of NGO then provided us with the source file of the selected new logo, I noticed that it was not in expected vector format that can be infinitely scaled but only a bitmap file in medium resolution, usable only for website and small printed publication. I volunteered to take over the task of vectorisation since I worked in pre-press for over 10 years and converting images from pixels to vector lines is what I am very skilled at.

During the process of vectorisation I had a massive backchat about many things. Firstly I was dissatisfied with the NGO leadership that did even not educate themselves about how final logo format should be before they organised the design contest. Then I was disappointed about my logo not being selected despite of me being very professional in terms of making sure that it would be scalable, applicable and easily reproducible. I was unhappy about spending so much money on designer who was so unprofessional that he or she did not provide the logo in clean vector shape.

After I continued with inspecting the source file of the logo I noticed that the elements that were to represent a plant were so unnatural that people would notice and criticise it when the logo would be reproduced on some larger canvas. I started to wonder if I should take the initiative and do the corrections that I considered to be in the best interest of the organisation or if I should stick strictly to the original shape. Of course I could send such questions to the NGO leaders but they were very busy and had quite long response time. And many projects were stalled and could not move on before the logo was prepared so there was also a time pressure. 

What I was asking myself during the vectorisation process was if my work will be accepted, recognised and rewarded or if it will be criticised and refused. So I was quite worried about many things and I felt confused and anxious. I was also not sure about what is the procedure to become clear about the things that I wanted answer to since I was not clear about the roles in the NGO or who would be the most appropriate person to query. I wanted to do a good job however all the thinking created a depressed feeling and heaviness around my eyes.

I started to wonder why I am having so much trouble with such a relatively simple task while some individuals in the organisation seem to deal with their task very easily. Then I finally realised that I remembered how my father constantly pushed and criticised me while I was working in his family visual communications company. I was the only one using the computer to scan the logos from the flyers or business cards that clients delivered and I had to vectorise them very accurately and as fast as possible.

The next step of my responsibilities was to engage in the pre-press, do colour separation and films for the screen-printing department that my younger brother was in charge of. And if I made a single mistake, which I occasionally did, but it was discovered only after several hundred pieces of deliverables were printed, it resulted in quite some material damage and massive anger that was clearly expressed by my brother and my father. So during my design and pre-process I was in constant fear of later being emotionally attacked and blamed for damages.

Despite my brother taking over our family business about 17 years ago, me not working there anymore and moving to different part of our country, I still occasionally do some design work for my father using Skype and screen sharing. Lately we go along quite fine but occasionally he still comes with his pattern of getting inpatient and emotions of anger that trigger unpleasant feelings within me. And I am getting so much tired of living in constant expectation when he will call me next and fearing that after I do something for him he will be unsatisfied with my work.

Such experiences engrained and rooted deeply into my body to the level where they influence also myself in unpleasant way when I am working for any other client or do other work that can even not involve computers at all. So I am now going to apply the tools of writing and sounding self-forgiveness and self-commitments in order to shatter crystallised patterns that limit my self-expression and creative potentials:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid about what others will think about the results of my work. I realise that despite my work is a sort of extension and a part of me, the feedback given by others is often influenced by their projections and different kind of reasoning. When and as someone criticise my work and my mind produces thoughts like: “Oh no, they do not like me as a being.” I stop and breathe. I commit myself to in such cases breathe effectively, listen to the feedback within emotional stability and see if I can improve the result of my work so that it will serve end users as best as possible in a practical way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pressured when engaging in a creative design process since it takes quite some time and inspiration to come with a good and fresh idea and then to also manifest it in a tangible form. I realise that despite of being pressured and not allowed enough time to creatively express during the period of me being employed by my father I am now my own boss and am able to take as much time as needed for me to be completely satisfied with the result. When and as I start with creative design process and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Time is money so you must hurry or the client will have to pay you much more money than needed.” I stop and breathe. I commit myself to find clients who value high quality design and are also willing to pay fair price for it so that I can focus on being creative without any kind of unnecessary pressure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become depressed in cases when I do not know who in organisation that I collaborate with is responsible for what. I realise that the only solution for something that I am not clear about is to ask questions and get answers no matter how long it takes for me to be completely clear about whatever I need to know in order to move forward. When and as I am unclear about something and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Oh no, I will now have to spend time to write the questions and wait for the answers and thus the work will have to wait.” I stop and breathe. I commit myself to be aware that being clear about things is the most important in life and that I am diligent in making all the necessary questions and be patient at receiving the answers. And during the time while I wait for a needed answer for me to be able to move on with a project, there are always many other tasks that I can do, especially perfecting myself by writing mind constructs like in this blog post.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Worry Wart from the Life Review series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 159: Emotional dependency

I did not write into my blog for the last several weeks because there have been a lot of disturbing physical movements around the place where I live. Firstly the flatmate that lived in the room next to mine has moved out with his girlfriend to their own apartment. All the related activities that included total renovation of their previous room where I also assisted greatly took a lot of my time and attention. And then a young couple that lived in the apartment next to mined moved to that room. Again I also assisted them with cleaning and renovating of the room where their previously lived and with moving to the new room. New flatmates brought a completely new relationship dynamic to my life due to their specific personality and my relationship with them that formed within the last 3 years of living together as close neighbours.

The girl who moved to the room next to mine was going to a very emotional period and her experience while she was growing up with her parents shaped her into someone who craves for attention and is not able to sleep alone. Meaning that whenever her boyfriend would go away for two or more days, she would ask one of the neighbours if she can sleep in the same room or even the same bed with them despite of she being already 30 years old. In recent weeks, especially after they moved to my apartment, I was her favourite pick to spend the night together. To be clear, such kind of socialising was from her perspective not to be sexual in any way despite of also desiring hugging occasionally. We spent many hours, especially in the late evenings, talking about her emotional dependency and how strong she is missing her boyfriend at times when he is out for several days. But then she also started to share with me how they almost broke up a month ago since her boyfriend is becoming tired of her emotional outbursts and how he plans to be away even more frequently end for even longer periods of time.

They have been together for around 4 years and slowly it started to show that they have very different needs and future life agendas. Their relationship challenges now escalated to such extend that her boyfriend definitely decided to break up with her and move out of our shared apartment. Initially he wanted to move out already a week ago however he later changed his mind and decided to stay for another month. During that time he was firstly away for 5 days, now he is back for 2 days and then he will be again be gone for 10 days. While he was gone his ex-girlfriend became quite attached to me and she started to consider me as her new boyfriend. However whenever her ex-boyfriend returns she becomes extremely divided because she still loves him so much and would like to be with him indefinitely. Recent time period has thus for me been a very turbulent since I have been witnessing a lot of extreme emotional drama including crying, craving, jealousy, blaming, becoming angry and even physical violence by that girl.

Such events were also very challenging for me since I needed to decide how and to what extend shall I get involved in assisting the girl especially from perspective of becoming one end equal with her and supporting her with becoming less emotionally dependent and more self-reliant. Also I am now facing a decision whether become her boyfriend or not. This is where it is currently a bit hard to say now because I will be the closest person and her best friend to socialise with especially after her boyfriend will move out and I also like her a lot. It is in a way funny how life brings very similar kind of girls who are very emotionally unstable and need a lot of support to me. I have been already in couple of such relationships lasting around 3 years and it looks like a new one is about to start. With the difference of course that I am now more mature and skilled in understanding and responding to the minds of others and am also equipped with tools to support myself and fellow beings more effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of possible relationship with a very emotional girl due to prediction that our relationship will end in the same way as my previous relationships did and that I am thus wasting my time with her. This is due to my accepted and allowed belief that in my age of 43 it is about time to find some emotionally stable girl that I will have kids with who will grow up into great leaders and contribute to bettering of this world extensively. I realise that life does not necessary need to be about raising best kids and expecting them to become the change in this world and that I am already able to change myself and massively contribute to global society regardless of what kind of relationship I am in or if I will have my own children or not. When and as I am evaluating a potential partner and my mind goes like: “I must check the level of her emotional stability and accept her as my life partner only if she proves that she is stable enough.” to stop and breathe. I then rather decide to assist myself and others to become more emotionally stable in every single moment of my life according to my capacity and ability of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I engage in another relationship with a very emotional girl me and my projects will become compromised due to constant clinging and need for attention from such girl. I realise that in any given moment I am able to respond to current situation and protect myself and my interest to the level where I can feel comfortable. When and as I am becoming close to an emotional girl and my mind creates imagination of the future where I live in a suffocating relationship with such girl, I stop and breathe. Within the realisation that I am able to break any kind of relationship at any time, I continue living as an example of solution in terms of emotionally stable guy who is able to respond to any life challenge with confidence and self-assurance.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire a peaceful, stress-free life where I will be able to enjoy only the best of what this world has to offer. I realise that within the realisation that each of us is responsible for the current situation on this world, this is not the time where one can afford to ignore all the current suffering in existence, nor can anyone deny the fact that we are one and interconnected anymore. When and as I am picking direction of movement in my life and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Decide for an easy path of tranquility and abundance and avoid any kind of stress.” I stop and breathe. I commit myself to firstly focus on the process of self-perfection and at the same time to find best position in the global society where I can create the biggest leverage as possible to equally assist also others at the process of releasing ourselves from alternative energetic realities of the mind and starting to live responsibly as one and equal in this universal physical reality.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Emotional Dependency from the Relationship Success Support series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to many about life and this existence.

Day 158: Pain in my left knee

I had pain in my knee for many times in the previous years due to my limiting mind patters. However it was always the right knee where the pain was located. Never before as far I can remember had I pain in my left knee. However several days ago for the first time ever I started to experience the pain in my left knee. I have been wondering what could be the cause for that and I had some ideas however I am not completely sure. I gave myself couple of days in order to see if it would go away because maybe I have successfully sorted things out in my mind, however it is still there and I could say it has even slightly increased. So now I decided to give it more attention to become aware about the cause of it by using the tool of writing and sounding self-forgiveness.

One of the probable causes for the pain in my left knee could be the discussion with one of Slovenian philosophers who invited me to have two long Skype chats about the god, responsibility and the origin of our thoughts that he recorded for his podcast series. Within the interview I was challenged to talk about the extent of personal responsibility and preprogramming of the existence. Because some scientific experiments were suppose to prove that other beings know about our intention a few moments before the though actually appears in our minds. And then also do we actually have any power of decision and creation since some can predict the future and thus prove that everything is already decided in advanced. So how can we prove that our thoughts are actually our own creation and not the thoughts that have already been created by someone else and then only served to us?

Before I started to write this blog post, I searched eqafe.com for interdimensional interviews by the keyword god. I listened to a interview that explains the difference between the real god as the physical and the creators of the mind who separated us as the beings from the physical by the controlling thoughts in order to keep us away from our awareness of who we really are. So the explanation is that automatic thoughts that are created by the mind are means of distraction while we as the physical beings are able to create our own thoughts from the scratch. Because god as the physical is created, creator and the creation. And the other question is the motivation for creation and destruction in the context of life and death. Because death exists only from the perspective of the mind and life as the physical has no beginning or end. The life as the physical only changes form or shape and thus can actually not be harmed. Which brings me back to my pain in the left knee that should not be there if I would become fully aware that I am part the eternal life as the physical.

What I want to say is that from the perspective of reality being the life as the physical why would I want to create anything and not simply stay still. And if I am the creator that created myself as the individualised being in this human physical body, why do I not have the full awareness about the history of the whole creation? The explanation could be that because I am part of the god almighty,  I also created unawareness of myself in order to experience state of separation from myself which is in reality a complete impossibility. Nevertheless here I am now in this physical body, experiencing the impossible and having to decide what to do about myself and what to create next, or rather to say, what to uncreate. Because I have become tired of existing in separation as the mind and would like to return home as life of the physical. I am tired of experiencing pain and lack of things that I need to sustain myself as this physical body and am ready to experience wholeness and abundance again. Maybe in the future I will get tired of oneness and desire the dive into separation again but I guess there is no other way of how existence is able to experience itself. It is constant cycle of inhaling and exhaling, creation and destruction, oneness and separation.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Is God Creator or Created? from the Reptilians series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 157: Crick in my neck

Three days ago I got a pain in my neck. I could also say that the pain was located on my shoulder because the centre of the pain was vertically positioned near the back of my spine on top of the shoulder however more towards my left shoulder. It started to appear four days ago when I had a chat with my DIP course buddy and increased the next day after I had a chat with my flatmate about the struggle that I am facing with. And it is about being attracted to different sources of information and way of explaining how this existence works. But what troubled me the most was that if I would want to fully understand what each of the sources are actually saying, I would have to dedicate my time to completely integrate the information. And this could be the reason for the pain as the reflection of feeling burdened by the challenge of wanting to understand the truth about the functioning of the whole existence. I also found the audio that explains the crick in your neck as related to pattern of looking up to people and looking down on other people and yourself contributing to inequality within leader-follower relationships.

Initially I expected that it would be most supportive for my pain in the neck to write with focus on the point of overwhelmingness however it seem that it would be best to write about who I am looking up to and also down on. Which totally makes sense because in my life it was my father that I started to follow and look up to and I guess all children start with their parents being the first examples where they copy most of their behaviour patterns from. The problem is when the parents do not consider their children as equals but look down on them and even suppress them due to fear that children will become more than them and will thus loose the power of controlling them. And such was exactly the case in family of my parents where especially my father wanted to be something more and did often criticise me for every single small mistake that I made. This resulted in me not developing sufficient self trust and habit of looking inside me for a reference point about my decisions in life.

The message that my father has been embodying is to be productive in terms of accumulating a lot of physical proof of your ingenuity so that it can be shown to the world for the purpose of others looking up to you and thus feeling good for being something more. Such starting point of course prevented him to strive for excellency in terms of perfecting his attitude towards his work thus the final products show mediocracy and carelessness. For example when he is creating replicas from medieval ear he does not make effort to strictly follow the use of materials and designs that were used at that time. He usually adds something that does not belong there and cuts corners to save cost and time. So he is not striving for high quality but mostly for the quantity. And if I look at where I have copied such pattern from him I see that while I am focused more on creating the future and am using technologically advanced tools like computers, I too lack the perfection in studying how this existence functions and am to some extent superficial in my research. I do not go in depth and am not investing enough time and effort to integrate the information more effectively.

And there are some other points that prevent me from integrating information from sources that I stumble upon. First is that I have studied many traditions and authors that explain how this existence works and later I have discovered information that proved them wrong. The reasons were because they have misinterpreted their experiences, they were fooled by the creators of the existence or they were their agents that incarnated here specifically to deceive humanity and redirect us towards the dead end. Thus I developed the mistrust and suspicion about everything that I see, hear or listen since the levels of deception can exist beyond by awareness. Also what I learned is that while some pieces of the message seems to be valid, all the messengers that I have been studying from are not without faults. They are equally individuals in the process of self-perfection and sometimes something that they do or say is far from being valid.

As I learned, we have all ben preprogrammed to be followers to some extend and are constantly searching for someone to look up to. And we lack the ability to look into ourself and find a reliable point of self-trust for the purpose of always being able to distinguish the truth from deception. Thus I have also wanted to find The Source, The Leader that I could follow blindly and just unconditionally absorb all the information without having to use any discernment. However as I realised this is not the possible way of existence to function since we must all learn to develop self-responsibility and instead of relying on someone outside of us to develop real self-trust and ability of common sense. We must not just learn from one single source out there but must research them all end keep what is good. While there are some who lead the path of discovery about how this existence works, it is not enough to simply accept their teachings. We must reach the same awareness by walking the equal path of researching and testing and coming to our own conclusions. We can not gain the same awareness just by becoming their dedicated followers.

Now I am going to face relevant points and change my established ways of dealing with this world by removing the unsupportive programs that I am running on and replacing them with a more functional pieces of code in order to become more supportive part of life:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are individuals existing who have all the answers about how existence functions and that I just need to find them and all my problems will be solved. I realise that I can not be sure if such individuals exists and that instead of just searching for someone that knows it all it would be best to learn from those who can explain this existence to a very large extend and combine the information to get the full picture. I commit myself to when and as I am wondering about the secret of the existence and my mind in producing thought like: “I must find the personalised manifestation of the god who will answer to all my questions!” to stop and breathe. A then learn from what other wise people have also provided explanation about and use such knowledge to expand my awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that awareness is a gift of god and that god created some of us with lesser awareness and some individuals with higher awareness. I realise that that I am increasing awareness by researching and learning and that while we all have our unique characteristics those who have reached high level of awareness have evidence that they have also walked a long and dedicated path of research and experimentation where they used own ability of discernment to separate facts from deception and created their own understanding about how this existence functions. I commit myself to when and as I want to know the deepest meaning of life and my mind goes like: “I must just believe that I am a good person and god will eventually enlighten me and gift me with higher level of awareness.” to stop and breathe. I then use the god's gifts in form of already available knowledge and use it as best as possible to discover the secrets of existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look up to individuals who have achieved a lot in life and making them more than me while believing that I will never be able to reach their level of greatness. I realise that by creating such inequality I am making me less than others and thus the consequences like the crick in my neck are created. I commit myself to when and as I am learning about the people who have achieved great things in life and my mind is saying: “You must become humble in presence of their greatness and admire them due their incredible achievements!” to stop and breathe. I then research their life path and all things that influenced them in order to become capable of such achievements within understanding that we are all different with unique life path and we can all excel in our own way to expand ourselves as much as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be great and be admired by others in order to fell good and receive what I want from others in my life. I realise that by such desire I equally create inequality and by looking down on others I equally create also undesired consequences that can be experienced as the crick in my neck. I commit myself to when and as I decide about what I want to do in my life and my mind is like: “You must learn about the most advanced knowledge available so that others will look up to you and think that you are a genius.” to stop and breathe. I then continue to satisfy my curiosity about the secrets of life while understanding that we are all parts of the same existence and that I must also stay humble and share my discoveries with others in order for all to improve their lives as one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a hoarder of knowledge and information in order to accumulate as large amount of advanced knowledge as possible and display it in front of the world in order to be admired and to feel good about my achievements. I realise that life is not about quantity but about quality and that we can all live in abundance if we share available resources including knowledge equally. I commit myself to when and as I want to know more about things that I am still not clear about and my mind is telling me: “Gather all kinds of information from as many sources as possible in order not to miss something that could be very important!” to stop and breathe. I then with understanding that each of us has a limited time available and that it is not possible to absorb all information out there to rather search for the most reliable sources of information and make sure to integrate the information to the level where I will be able to retain them in my memory for a long time and be thus able to share them with others and function as a useful member of our society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance when I study different sources of information due to understanding that there are all kinds of illusions and deceptions out there and that eventually all information that I now think is the truth can later be proven to be a lie. I realise that the nature of evolution is expansion of awareness where previous concepts and perspectives are eventually overwritten with a new understanding of reality. I commit myself to when and as I learn about this existence and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Use discernment and be careful about sharing the information since in time it can be proven as false and other people will judge you and be angry about you so protect yourself and keep quiet!” to stop and breathe. I then rather share my current discoveries with others and allow to be proven wrong since only by sharing our perspectives we are able to assemble peaces of information into a full picture and attain complete awareness about the whole reality of existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am incapable of distinguishing between what is real and what is not and that I will be able to discover the truth of reality only by listening to individuals who are speaking eloquently about the nature of creation. I realise that we all have a reference point within us that can be used for discernment and if applying complete and total self-honesty we can attain the capacity to always know what is truth and what is deceptions. I commit myself to when and as I am researching this reality and my mind is telling me: “Reality can never be understood fully since only god possesses such ability and you are definitely not god!” to stop and breathe. I then within realisation that we are all parts of the same creator and made by his own image and thus also gifted with capacity of reasoning I continue to develop the capacity of self-honesty in order to always be able to rely on my inner guidance when having to distinguish facts from false information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated when learning about something new and I am not completely clear about certain points. I realise that askKing is the King and that I am always able to ask questions and receive additional explanations so that eventually I can attain complete clarity about the subject. I commit myself to when and as I am digesting a new body of information and while stumbling about some point that I am not clear about an my mind is going like: “It is pointless to ask questions at this moment and waste time because there is so much additional information available and you will probably get your questions answered by simply continuing to digest the rest of the information available.” to stop and breathe. I then rather write down my questions to become completely clear what I am not sure about and make the effort to verify if answers to such questions actually are provided in some other body of information that already exist because there is always also a possibility that such questions have not been answered yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance about sharing my perspectives to others due to fear that others will start asking me a lot of questions that I do not know the answers to and thus I will feel embarrassed. I realise that others questioning me is actually a blessing in disguise because they push me to expand myself where eventually I become the beneficiary due to increased awareness. I commit myself to when and as someone is asking me a question and my mind is like: “Oh no, they have discovered some fault in me and I must be ashamed of not being perfect.” to stop and breathe. I realise that we all have yet to discover many things and by others asking me something they are actually assisting me to quantify the process of self-realisation so I am from now on receiving and answering any question with great appreciation and gratefulness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for the ultimate source of information about all the existence and then be disappointed when I discover that the source has lacked to explain many things that I would like to know about. I realise that there are different reasons for that. One is that each source has a limited capacity of serving information and each source must decide what information to present based on the priorities of the receivers of the information. Then even if the source has all the answers about this existence, the source may act within awareness that many recipients or the humanity in general are not yet capable of handling them and would cause the overwhelmingness, panic and other undesired and harmful consequences if much more advanced information would be shared. I commit myself to when and as I study from certain source of information and my mind goes like: “I see that this and that is lacking to be explained thus this source is no good and I should better find another one that already has all the answers.” to stop and breathe. I then make best use of the available information and fully integrate them and then also equally share them with others with consideration of the capacity of understanding in order for me equally not to create harmful consequences for others. 

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