Day 213: Pinched nerve in my left elbow

For several weeks I have been experiencing chronic pain in my left elbow. The situation stayed the same regardless of what physical activities I did or how many days I rested. The pain is not constant and I do not feel it when my left arm is in certain positions, like if I am standing up, walking and my arm is just naturally hanging down. There is also no pain if I am lying in my bed in almost any position and the arm is not moving. I only feel the pain when I lift the lower part of the arm up or when I rotate it in a specific manner. I have been wondering if there is some nerve that has been pinched that produces such a feeling at certain movements of my left arm. It definitely is not muscle fatigue or the consequence of something hitting my arm or elbow. I tried to remember when the pain started to occur and there is some correlation with an event of me pruning a cherry tree on 10th June 2024. I spent 6 hours on the tree with a height of 6 meters and I used my arms a lot. In the middle of work, I took a break due to a short but heavy rain shower. So after I climbed back on the tree I had to be extremely careful not to slip on a wet bark.

The pain in my left elbow could be related to this pruning event or not. In a way, it does not make much sense since that pruning event was nothing out of the ordinary for me and I have done even more demanding tree care activities before and my elbows were fine. It is also strange that this particular pain did no go away like any other pain that occurred as the consequence of my physical muscle strain or injury due to some object hitting my body. So I have started to wonder if the origin of the pain is something related to what I have been experiencing on a non-physical level. I checked the information in the Desteni Structural Resonance document by Veno and found that the elbow points represent the antennas that control the direction of a move within the White Light gridline structure of the world according to conscious and subconscious mind personalized and individualized development and design during the experience of here on earth, also referred as The Choice System.



I do in fact am becoming more and more aware of how our lives have been preprogrammed and directed/limited by many systems, externally especially by the legal and money system. I am currently at a cross path when I have been deciding when if ever there will be a proper moment for me to transition from formally being unemployed to becoming self-employed again. In the current stage, I have more financial benefits however I am limited with how I can work and am not able to directly participate in larger arboricultural projects of the national budget consumers. I am in the final liquidation stages of my private institution where I have been in a position of a director. I am trying to remove all the tax debts so that I can register as a sole entrepreneur again. However, I am not happy about the fact that when I do register the government could issue any kind of fine due to breaking any of thousands of laws that I have even no capacity to hold in my memory.



Thus I have been looking at solutions related to the Quantum Grammar and Claim of the Life. I have already provided a document for myself that proves I am a fact and no longer a legal fiction in 2019. However, during the COVID-19 plandemic, I had limited success in using it to protect myself from the government. And also when the police came to my apartment on the order of the tax authority they ignored my documents and took me by force. I feel so much at a disadvantage considering law enforcement and how I can work hard to earn money for many years and then someone charges me for breaking some law and takes all my money, possessions, and freedom in an instant. I am thinking why bother doing anything in this world when it can be taken away or destroyed so quickly?

Also, it is hard to comprehend how existence works in totality since new things are being discovered every single moment. I initially learned a lot from the resources on the Eqafe website about the real history of mankind and the universe. After Bernard Poolmand passed I have been listening to United Network News reports of Kimberly Ann Goguen from The Office of the Guardian on how the systems are being removed, changed, and replaced with the goal of providing everything necessary to start the process of restoring our planet. Yet while it is cool to know that initial Alfa and Omega systems no longer exist and that a Golden Age system has been created, it is still not clear when if ever the promised funds from the KIMS - Key Integrated Monetary System will be available for all of us.

Recently I asked for assistance from the quantum change kinesiologist from the Space of Grace in order to gain additional perspective related to the pain in my elbow. The feedback stated that it is a personality activation of how I maneuver myself in my reality based on feelings/emotions of being used to getting what I want. She is seeing my relationship with my mother there as well so that is specific as in something I've copied from her or developed in relation to her for example she used to coddle me in some way, make me feel special in that way that I developed that belief or habitual pattern of just being used to getting what I want. It's a pattern of relating to my reality in a way that's based on a feeling experience of feeling/believing you need to get what you want. It's also testing out as a work-related injury but this point is also coming up as related to it.

If I look at my relationship with my mother who passed away several years ago due to suicide I can see that I was very close to her while my younger brother was very close to my father. My mother used to listen, understand, and protect me, including against the lies and deceptions of my brother and the pressures of my father. I am not able to recall any specifics of how she was able to assist me in getting what I wanted, however, she indeed was a general emotional support for me. It was more the father who projected power, directed our family business, and used the money to provide us with many of the material things that I desired. I am not sure to what level my mother played a role in convincing my father to buy me things that I wanted. When becoming sole entrepreneur for the first time in the year 2000 I was able to earn significant money and live a good life. I do not see the death of my mother as any pivotal point that influenced my ability to get things that I desire.

Currently, I am looking at what role I should play in my life considering my abilities, capacity, and gained perspectives. The profession of an arborist is something that I enjoy for different reasons however it also has downsides. It definitely enables me to exercise my physical body. Thus instead of me going to the gym and paying for lifting weights, other people are paying me for doing physical work of climbing and cutting trees. However, what I do not like is how the pressure of the climbing harness is stressing my physical body and also occasionally causing painful acne on the skin of my butt and hamstrings that heal very slowly. Also after several hours of heavy work, I need at least a day of rest in order to recuperate. My fingers especially need longer periods of healing due to pain in the joints after I do a lot of grabbing and pulling. I wonder how long and how much I will be able to endure due to aging so I am already moving towards diversification of my services and plan to do more counseling work in the future.

Day 212: Challanges of the arborist profession

It has been more than one year since I started developing myself as a climbing arborist. Tree care is mentally and physically one one of the most demanding rope access variants and my body had to go through a lot of adjustments. Muscle pains were a constant and the most persistant pain is in the small joints of my palms. Several months ago I experienced also a major back pain after s long period that took quite a while to diminish. And recently it came back aga recently due to additional stress factors. The first occurance was related to exhausting job of high cherry tree reduction and underestimating the charge for it. Also I was at that time not aware that the tree saddle can be adjusted much more ergonomically in order to eleviate the pressure at my lower back.

A week ago I got a new saddle that was suppose to be much better however it did not feel that way where wearing it. Sure it offered a lot of options for custimization in order to attach different tool holders however the texture of the inner padding was much more smoother and slippery. Thus there was less friction between the saddle and my back, causing the weight of the saddle to press on my hips instead of being distributer equally around my belt region. I did some additional adjustments recently that should correct the issue so I will see how it feels in the future climbings. That was the first contributory factor for reacurrance of the lowe back pain.

The second factor however was of a mental origin due to my decisions in terms of future development of my arborist career. One point is the cost of arborist equipment and my constant increasing investments. One can start climbing trees with basic tools that cost just several hundred euros. However considering the veriety of jobs that and arborist can face, it requires one to have larger arsenal of equipment that is aligned with professional standards that costs tens of thousands of euros. And most of it needs to be replaced every several years if not sooner due to war and tear, legislation of due to manufacturer instructions. It is equally with the knowledge and training. One can get some information from free or low-cost sources however the professional body of knowledge of arborists is vast and constantly expanding. Professional courses, trainings and certificates alse cost a lot of money.

Currently I am attending a 5-days aborist course at a middle school that is 2 hours of driving away. Since the classes start at 07:30 every monrning I decided to reserve a room at their hostel which was the cheapest way of lodging available. We are done with 2 days of lessons and there was a day off between the day 1 and 2. Instead of returning home I decided to stay for the intemediant day. Now I am back home since there was a 3 days of pause before we are to continue. So if I calculate the cost of the course alone and add the costs of lodging, food and travel it sums to a significant monetalty investment. Not only that but while I am attending the course I also am not able to work for profit and thus there is also the cost of loss of potential income. And the practical part of the course includes physically exhausting exercises of climbing and pruning trees that also take tall on my body, requiring me to rest for at least day or two after the course. Consequently my mind in producing a lot of thoughs of concers and worries that contributed to my current experience of the back pain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing for my mind to produce thought like: “The arborist course is a waste of time, energy and money since you already have all the knowledge thay you require to exectute jobs that the clients ordered.” instead of realising that I do not know what I do not know and I definitely already gaind very useful knowledge after attending just first 2 days of the course. I commit myself to when and as my mind is creating doubts about investments in professional training to constantly gradually invest in becoming a better professional considering the available savings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing for my mind to produce thought like: “You are already a middle-aged man and it does not make sense to star with arboriculture due to your body slowly becoming weaker and weaker.” insetad of realising that I am in relatively good shape and am getting old very slowly. I commit myself to take on loads aligned with the capacity of my physical body and to have enough rest while stopping and b reathing every time my mind starts worring due to loss of income in time of rest.

Day 211: Finally got a laptop replacement

It has been one month since I visited the Planet of Health and got diagnosed with energy blockage in the bottom part of my human physical body. I was prescribed certain essential and cold pressed oils to take couple of times per day and a specific vegan diet. Two weeks later my back pain significantly diminished however it still did not go away completely. A day before yesterday while I went around the Maribor city suburbs on foot it looked liked the back pain was completely gone however the next day the pain was back in the morning while I was still in bed. Yesterday I decided to finally invest in a used laptop computer in order to have a comfortable enough tool to restart writing in this blog. Now I plan to write more regularly so that my unconscious mind patterns are processed effectively.

If I go back in time and look at the the events before my back pain occured I can see that it was related to several incidents. One was my general decision to start working as a climbing arborist that involved hard physical work in tall trees doing pruning or complete removal of a tree. In relation to that point I have been experiencing muscle pains due to new body movements however they were soon gone as the muscles adapted to such forces. More concerning thing was the chronic pain in my finger joints that started last year after doing very demanding hedge trimming for several weeks. At the end of November 2022 the joints on my fingers became so swollen and painful that I had to rest for the whole of December in order to regain normal movement. Thus in the beginning of 2023 I was very careful to slowly introduce strain to my fingers in order not to cause any permanent damage. However after doing heavy physical work with my hands the pain reoccurs and persists up to 2 weeks or more after I stop with such work.

The second incident was a specific job where I had to remove one cherry tree that was 10 meters tall, make another similar cherry tree half of its original size, and reduce several other beech trees. The weather in time of project execution was very unstable and it offered only small windows of time when the rain was not falling. So I did the removal of first cherry tree one afternoon and reduced the other cherry tree the following week. Just after I completed the reduction that was the time when I started to experience current lower back pain for the first time. I hoped that the pain will be gone after a night of rest and that next day I would be able to continue with finshing the project. However the next morning the back pain persisted so I decided to have a talk with the client. I wanted to renegotiate the fee since I realised that my quote was several times lower regarding the quantity of time or work needed to complete the project. The meetring resulted in client's decision to stop the project and I was payed for the so far completed part much less than I wished for. If I look at the thoughs that was going on in my mind during that time that eventually resulted in my back pain I can describe them like this:

1. I see that a climbing arborist work is very physically demanding. In recent years I have been working much less physically exhausting tasks since I mostly worked with computers. I will be 50 years old this year and I wonder if my body will be able in time to adapt to much more phsycally havy tasks.

2. I see that my fingers get painful already after couple of days of hard work and they take weeks to heal. Will this situation in time improve and my fingers will get more resilient? Will change in my diet contribute to decrease or complete removal of pain in small joints?

3. I see that investment in arborist knowledge and equipement demands time and money. Will it be worth it, and is working with trees something that I am pasionate enough to do it for many years to come? Or will I loose the interest if some better opportunity comes along?

4. I see that quoting tree jobs is quite tricky since one similar tree can take several times more work to trim or remove that the other due to situation that can not be identified by just observing it from the ground. What to do when the actuall work necessary is far greated that originally predicted?

5. I see that in tree work weather is a significant factor that limits the time available to work on trees. Will I be able to earn enough in days of good weather? Will I get enough jobs in winter? Should I also work on trees while raining like they do in some other, especially northern countries?

Day 210: Restarted writing

It has been almost 2 years since I last supported myself with writing and I see that things accumulated to the point where I need to look at my situation and make some resolutions. I did start with a blog post last year during the plandemic, however, I did not have enough motivation to finish it. One of the contributing factors for not writing sooner is that several months ago my laptop computer got damaged beyond repair so only my desktop computer is available now. I tried to write on it however being in a sitting or standing position is so unpleasant for me that I can not do proper self-reflection. I also tried writing using pen and paper however I found it similarly odd and ineffective. I now finally created a solution where I am in a similar relaxed position as using a laptop computer while using a desktop computer. So the things that I need to address are related to a drastic change in my professional career where I switched from working behind computers to doing manual jobs in people's gardens. In the summer of 2022, I started trimming hedges and I slowly transitioned to bigger trees. The new type of job came with many uncertainties and concerns. One of them was observing the capacity of my physical body to do manual work. While I considered that I gave myself enough rest between jobs I started to experience massive pain in my palm joints on both hands at the end of November.

Since besides the pain my joints also were not closing smoothly it was a very unpleasant feeling grabbing thing and I became worried that I permanently damage my fingers. Luckily after resting for the whole of December the pain slowly diminished and the functioning of the joints became normal again. Thus in January 2023 I slowly started to increase loads to my fingers and observed how they would respond. Sadly the pain came back after doing manual work only for a couple of days and persisted for up to two weeks. Such is the situation until now despite already making some dietary changes that should result in betterment. In February I did research about the causes of pain in small joints. What I found was the information explaining that humans after certain age produce 1% less collagen every year which is necessary for the regeneration of cartilage. So I started to take liquid collagen supplements in the form of ampoules every day that I purchased in a local cosmetics shop. Until now did not experience any noticeable improvement in my joints becoming more resilient so I searched for different options. A clerk at the city pharmacy recommended me some pills with glucosamine that should be more effective and I am looking forward to the effects.

Yesterday I also went to a holistic center called Planet of Health for overall body situation analysis. They are using a special method where at the same time a temperature is measured on the left and right side of your neck, from the left and right armpit and the belly button. After 3 minutes of measurement computer prints 4 pages of data where around 150 parameters are being evaluated. If levels are normal they are colored green, if they are too low, they are blue, and if levels are too high, they are colored red. Then the therapist explains the results in simple terms and makes some questions. The results showed that my blood is pretty good, and that division of my cells is very fact however that I am not digesting and eliminating very well. Also that the temperature in the lower part of my body is too high which also explains the manifestation of lower back pain a couple of weeks ago which is also the reason why I came for a diagnosis. After receiving also some other helpful feedback the therapist recommended starting using some of their products which were cold-pressed oils and high-quality essential oils. I got detailed instructions on how to apply those oils whether by ingesting them pure or mixed with water or rubbing them onto my skin on certain areas. Besides that, I also got extensive nutritional instructions that included a specific vegan diet. Starting today, I am now changing my eating habits to even healthier with the expectation that it will result in me being able to handle physical body strains much better.

However since I realized how the biggest contributing factor to inner imbalance and consequent pain is mind patterns, I am now going to look also into this dimension of my existence. So the general result of the plandemic for me was losing trust in the government even more and thus my willingness to obey laws diminished even further. It is not that I am breaking laws that I see beneficial for public order and safety however I do not have the will to study every single new law and follow it since I even do not possess the capacity to remember them all. Thus I find myself in a position of constant danger that someone would at any time charge me with breaking some law and they would take my money or possessions or put me in jail. As a result, the only effective defense I see is to have as little in my bank account and own as few things as possible. Thus I am here also limiting myself in terms of being able to work commercially so I have to find other ways of covering my needs.

Day 209: Too much on my shoulders

I have been making myself busy as far as I remember and I never get bored. In the initial years of my life, it was my parents who directed most of the things that I was doing, also because we had our own family business. Later I decided to break away and express myself as a professional creative in the field of visual communications. After relationship conflicts made me start reflecting on myself my priorities changed dramatically. In the last couple of decades, I have become more and more selective about what I do and what are the expected outflow consequences of my actions. I carefully decide how to spend every single moment of my life and do my best to contribute to changing this world into what is best for all life. However, a couple of weeks ago I started to feel pain in my shoulder area which is the indication that I fell out of my usual inner balance. So the purpose of this blog post is to gain awareness of what is going on inside of me and to make necessary corrections in order to regain inner harmony.

About a year ago I joined a global movement that resonated with me greatly. Amongst all of the organizations that discovered so far, I estimated that it has the potential to bring the biggest positive change to this world. So I decided to make myself useful in the best way I could considering my abilities. I started to develop a local chapter for that organization which involved the creation of a website and pages, channels, and groups on several social networks, developing a CRM system, and building a mailing list. A lot of work was also with translation from English to Slovenian language. That organization is producing daily news report videos in the length of around 15 minutes and to translate just one of them and to publish it on our website as an article and to then share it on the social networks, takes me around 6 hours. And there are also long Zoom videos that I translate and are from one to even two hours long which takes me a couple of days to translate.

Just in terms of translation, I wonder about the impact and the point of doing such work. It is hard for me to estimate how many Slovenians will benefit from my translations and how it would impact my nation in the long term. The population of our country is just around 2 million which is relatively small compared to some countries where our whole country would fit just in one district of one of their cities. This alone makes me wonder about the point of us having our own language and why do we not adopt English as our main language. In regards to this, some say that the Slovenian language is one of the oldest if not the oldest language on this planet, very similar to Sanskrit and that all the other continental languages developed from it. However, since we are all now communicating globally with increased speed, different languages have become points of separation. And those of us who are in non-English speaking countries have so much additional work to do and spend so much time just with translations that we have much less time to do other things. So just because some countries have implemented English as their main language, they can invest much more time in developing projects and can achieve more than others.

But there are also some benefits from doing translations. When reading, listening, or watching one integrates information just to a certain level. However if one is doing a translation of a body of information, they slow down, take information apart and assemble it again which results in the information being integrated and understood with much more detail and clarity. So while the translation is a time investment for me, I also personally benefit from that process and my awareness expands. Since there is so much information it is of course not possible for me to translate it all and I already experimented with creating a team of translators that would assist with that task. There were some members from or local chapter that volunteered to also do the translations however I took the responsibility of then checking the result of their work. However, the process of me reviewing the translations and performing the edits that I found necessary took me approximately the same amount of time like if I would do the translations myself.

The occurrence of pain in my shoulder area correlates with me being invited into a new translators group on Telegram where I would assist also with doing translation of the content on the new websites related to the global movement that I am now part of. So it looks like I have started to imagine how my workload would significantly increase and that it would definitely be over my capacity. And besides doing the translations, I am currently administrating our website, Facebook page, two Telegram groups, and a channel, writing new website content, doing the graphic design, programming of the online forms, maintaining the CRM system, managing email campaigns for hundreds of subscribers to our newsletters and translations, and many more. I am investing on average over 10 hours of productive work all 7 days of the week to move things forward and it looks like I am doing 95% of all the work in our local chapter group. I have invited others to assist and to take on any of the things that are required to be done but not many responded. Not only that but some even expressed their concern that I am trying to take over our local chapter and use it for my personal benefits which is definitely not true. 

Other chapter members are holding onto many different excuses and justify why they do only as much or nothing as demonstrated so far. Some are busy with their regular jobs and family, some think that our mission is just to wait for the funding from the new global monetary system and then only engage in developing projects, some have concerns and doubts that the movement is legit and that what has been promised will actually be manifested. I cannot blame them since even I in the past joined many groups and movements that promised a lot and delivered a little. There are so many scams going on and we are in times where we are hearing almost nothing but lies on a daily basis from all the mainstream media. So I understand that many have trust issues and struggle with motivation to be part of some group and collaborate productively. Well from my perspective it is the responsibility of every individual to check all the available information, to make use of their intuition, and then decide whom to trust and whom not. I am ready for even the most trustworthy movement that I join to at some point fall apart and to eventually be exposed as deception. However, it makes more sense to me to at least contribute something to things that I currently see as most valid instead of wanting the proof and warranty that things are 100% reliable and that nothing can go wrong. They say a doubt can sink a ship so all the members need to maintain a high level of trust in order to be able to focus on what matters and move towards the goal.

Following the initial ranting and raving, I now progress towards the writing of the specific self-correction statements which I then speak out loud in order to shatter the crystallized mind patterns in my shoulder area that started to create friction and consequent pain in my human physical body tissue:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus on doing the translations by myself due to the belief that there is very little hope of finding high-quality translators to do the volunteer work instead of systematically working every day to find them. I realize that whatever my mind is creating as an excuse in order to keep me in the same pattern is pure self-deception. I commit myself to when and as I have a translation project to complete and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Better to do the translation by yourself since all the good translators are already very busy with translating other things and you will not succeed to get them on board as volunteers so best to wait until you will start becoming financed.” to stop and breathe. I then move myself every single day in order to send inquiries to translators and see how they will actually respond.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spend most of my time on the local chapter development projects tasks execution due to my enjoyment in combining my skill of graphic design, website development, and English language instead of developing skills of project management and delegating tasks to others. I realize that I am moving towards projects becoming larger and more complex so it is necessary to work on team building since it is not possible to do everything by myself. When and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “Just do as much as you can do by yourself and wait for others to find their own motivation to join the team and let them equally take initiative in researching what needs to be done and then work on tasks independently.” to stop and breathe. I then move out of my comfort zone of not wanting to communicate much with others, invest time in exciting others for the projects and direct them towards the practical development of the projects.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define translations of uncensored news as a very important component for the organic growth of our mailing list and to mostly focus on sharing translation teasers on online social networks. I realize that there are more effective ways of expanding the email subscription base since a relatively small percentage of all the social network group members have subscribed so far. I commit myself to when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “Just keep sharing the translation teasers on social networks and trust the fate that the right people will join.” to stop and breathe. I then slow down and take time to research best practices of how to create a big mailing list and measure the effects in order to find out what works best.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the technology as a buffer between myself and other people due to seeing others as not taking responsibility for their mental processes to the level of becoming able to communicate with me as one and equal. I realize that I am allowing my past traumatic experiences of being bullied and treated unfairly by others to hold me back from connecting with people on a more personal level. I commit myself to when and as I am considering working with others and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Rather communicate with the others via social networks and emails so that you can quickly block anyone that has become possessed by the polarised patterns of thinking.” to stop and breathe. I then decide to develop a more intimate relationship with people and maintain the high self-trust that I will be able to direct the communication by empowering others to align themselves with the principle of what is best for all.

For all who want to learn how to support themselves with writing, I suggest starting walking the

DIP Lite free online course.

And here are some links to supportive audios from Eqafe related to this blogs post that I also suggest you listen to:

Biting off More than You can Chew

Under pressure

My Life as a Bossy Perfectionistic Control-Freak

Who am I as Control

Developing Communication and Expanding Relationships

Everything Must Be Just So

Avoiding People

Lead as an Example in Your Business

Physical Communication

Day 208: Female attraction and me

I have already written a lot about my relationship with females. And the pain in my right testicle that reoccurred yesterday after a very long time is showing me that it is time to look deeply into this point again. I can already conclude that the reaction of the body is the result of my increased communication with three women in recent days. That triggered a lot of thinking about the possibilities of a relationship with any of them and how would it influence my life. In such relationships, I find things that attract me and things that I do not like. And it is also about the prediction of how my life would change according to my observation of other people that entered relationships and experiences in my past relationships with women. The major decision here is whether to have kids or not at my current age and the habit of living alone.

The first thing is that I do not have a strong desire and mission to be a father in terms of having my own human offspring. I could say that the primary reason for that is that I do not identify myself very much with the physical body that I am incarnated in. While some consider their own children as part or extension of themselves, I see kids pretty much as separate beings. I see how kids in the first months and years after they are born need a lot of attention and would redirect the attention from what I am currently doing. And since I am making myself as useful as possible to make this world the best place for all I wonder if having children would significantly decrease my ability to function in such ways. So currently I am functioning more from a position of a holly father meaning that I treat every living being in existence as one and equal, as part of me or as my children. So from the position of awareness that all that can exists is me, I am primarily a father to my creation as one and equal. From that perspective, I have no desire or need to replicate myself even more or to create additional parts of myself in separation from myself. I enjoy solitude and simple life where I can rest and relax any time I desire. So I see any relationship with a woman as something that would create a disturbance of my peaceful life.

Some would argue that it is important for every real man to create a family. Some try to show how it is possible to be a father to human children and at the same time create a relationship with own children from the perspective of oneness and equality. Yet I see that this is only possible if there are certain preconditions existing, where one has a certain kind of mind, ability, and motivation to be a good provider. And also the environment with a lot of economic opportunities plays a role in that. So my current position and location, my past, my structural resonance, my physical environment, and also the current global pandemic are far from ideal parameters for me to engage in a role of a human father. I however am active at a project that is expected to manifest a system that will remove the lack of any basic necessities and then I would definitely reconsider experiencing myself in raising a human child.

There certainly are temptations in regards to women since I am experiencing myself in a male human body that has been programmed to respond to the opposite sex. Sensations such as the experience of orgasm and physical touch definitely create thoughts and imaginations of how it would be if I had sex with a woman again. However, I also see how any sexual act with a female would then create a bond that deepens with every additional sexual act. That can then trigger things as possessive relationship, jealousy and all kinds of drama that I definitely do not want. So I would certainly be up for a relationship with a woman that treats me as one an equal, that is emotionally stable, that possesses a high level of common sense, and that fully trusts me and never suspects me of anything that I actually have not done.  Interestingly I have not met such a woman yet and all that cross my path are far from such ideal.

But then since all are part of me and if I see some woman in a struggle, I of course definitely want to assist her the best way I can.  This especially goes for the females that live in my physical proximity and that are my good friends and colleagues. I understand their struggles and support them with listening, counseling, and coaching. With any of those females, I imagine how a relationship with them would be since some have engaged in a conscious relationship with men for the purpose of supporting each other to grow and expand. However after being in two relationships that later three years, I know how slowly people change, and if both are not fully committed to removing all points of separation, the conflicts occur on a regular basis. So I definitely do not want to compromise myself again by entering into a relationship with a woman that just wants to stay as she is, unless if she has already sufficiently become whole and gained high self-awareness.

From how I understand that women function they are much more emotional and internalize all experiences, especially sex. After all their bodies play the role of soil where new life grows. Men are much freer since they just eject seed and there is no much consequence of sex on their physical bodies. However, the woman can become pregnant which results in a massive bodily transformation that takes 9 months, and then they are also responsible to feed the baby with their milk for months and years. So it is logical that women treat sexual intercourse much differently than men. They also had to suffer monthly menstruation pain and bleeding and have constantly count the number of remaining eggs. And I see that women have also a stronger drive to experience themselves as birthing and raising babies.

In an ideal world, I would definitely like to see a system implemented that would secure the safety of survival and excellent health for women and men so that both parents could fully dedicate themselves to raise kids at least for the first key 7 years of their offspring childhood. It is definitely my vision and mission to create such a world and hopefully, it will happen sooner than later. Actually, my desire is for all living beings to co-exist in harmony and abundance. However, I am aware that I am just one of the billions of beings in existence and that I have a limited capacity of transforming this world into the best place for all. So in order to make the best use of my abilities and to leverage all my potentials with utmost effect, I must carefully select what to focus on.

I have assisted the women that I have been in an intimate relationship with, women that I became friends with, and women that live and have lived in my close proximity. I spent a lot of time talking with them on the phone and during long walks and all of them did make some progress. And I also gained new perspectives by listening to their struggles and attempts to break free from their addictions and obsessions. However, all had so strong and deep patterns that it was impossible for me to imagine being with them in a long-term relationship. I realized that I would compromise myself if I would persist in wanting to save them regardless of the costs. I discovered that also I have a lot of limiting points to transform within myself and that the most important thing is to take enough time in order to work on my own personal process of transformation.

Within this, the main challenge for me is defining my relationship to my male human physical body. Because I see how it wants to express itself sexually and produce offspring. The question is how to make a deal with it in order for it not to feel sexually suppressed and to make it consider all the perspectives that my decisions are based on. And I also need to question to what extent limiting my sexual intercourses with women is based on my suppression of myself as a being and to what level I am justifying my current limitations as an excuse for my decision to live a life of solitude and dedication to a higher purpose. It definitely is a challenge to actually make any decision about anything since once a decision is made, a new outflow of events for the whole existence is being set.

Thus it all boils down to a question of how much to care about anything in existence. One extreme is to care about everything and everyone and to be careful not to even kill the tiniest insect if possible. And the other extreme is to not give a fuck about anything considering that existence is a constant interchange of creation and destruction. So there would be no use to create an attachment to anything physical since it will eventually be destroyed. And since I somehow have entered this physical human body and I am not able to simply leave it and go somewhere else, I am faced with decisions on how to best endure until its expiry date. It is a strange game that I as the creator, creation and the created am playing with myself however it looks like that there is no way out but to take full self-responsibility for what is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing me to ignore the sexual attraction of my human physical body towards the females and to not direct it towards setting a clear and exact relationship between my body and the bodies of the females. I realize that there is no such thing as a wrong or right decision and that there are only consequences and the turmoil of not being decisive instead of directing every single part of myself based on the principle of what is best for all life. I commit myself to when and as I am faced with many options to take enough time to compare what might the outflow of events be and then to make an informed decision without looking back ever again or worrying that I made a wrong turn.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when and as I see a female physical body to blame it as responsible for the creation of the attraction due to projection of my own sexual desires and addiction to the orgasmic sexual experience. I realize that women are equal beings that face their own challenges related to their own body and sexual system that can be equally triggered by me as a male and they could equally blame me for simply just existing as a male. I commit myself to when and as I meet any human regardless the sex and my mind would analyze them as potential sexual partners, to stop and breathe. I rather consider them as one and equal with all their conditions that are connected to their human and non-human experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to blame destiny for bringing a specific type of woman into my proximity and to see the woman mostly as a burden for men since men need to provide for them at least during the sensitive months of pregnancy and early childhood of the newborn kids. I realize that such a perspective is a projection of my own inability to better provide for myself and to generate more money. I commit myself to improve my self-care so that I would be able to comfortably potentially enter into a relationship with a woman without having to worry about money issues. 

Suggested related educational Eqafe audios:
Relationship Success Support with Agreements
The Difference Between Male and Female Emotions
The Manifested Dimensions of Conflict
The Emotional and Feeling Body System
Sex and Relationships in Existence
The Relationship between Sexuality and Money

Day 207: The independent yet united

In the last two months, I have discovered two big international groups that I identified as well organized and with solutions prepared on the scale of the whole planet Earth. One is called the AllatRa with a vision to transform the current consumer society into a creative society via the voting platform for direct democracy. And the other group is called the Life Force which has its own social network app, weekly Zoom reports, and international media network. They report about the most important events in regards to war against the Deep State and the woman who is ahead of the Ground Command is also in charge of the Global Trust that will finance the international Restoration Plan. They are also much more aligned with the Desteni group that I have been a part of for the last ten years and also talk about the ancient enslavement of the human race by the Annunaki with Anu, Enki, Enlil, and Marduk on the top of the pyramid. So I was facing a decision on how much of my time to dedicate to research and participation in each of those groups and their projects. And I also had to decide what information from each of these groups to share in other groups in order for the members of all these groups to benefit from all the available information and knowledge.

What I would like to see is for the members of all the groups that really want to make this world the best for all to unite and work as one. Because we equally share the same reality, the same planet, and use the same global money system. Primarily what I see as the most important is to learn how the mind works and how to transcend it in order to become a responsible human being. Here the Desteni group is leading the way with the Eqafe online educational library and the Desteni I Process online courses. Yet the Life Force group with Kim Ann Goguen as the new comptroller of the global money system is the group that is providing the digital infrastructure for the international collaboration on the local restoration project and all the necessary funds to realize it. And there are many who do not care to be part of any of these groups and rely on building their own businesses and a financial support system within the current global monetary system. 

So there are two extremes when in the first case one is wonderfully obsessed with a single idea and is completely blind to anything else that exists out there. And the other extreme is spreading yourself thin by researching everything, jumping from one group to another, not really participating in any solution, and disempowering yourself by feeling small and lost. When I look at myself I consider being somewhere in the balanced middle of the two extremes. I had periods where I was very into first and periods where I was in the second extreme and that was not good for me. I was in several cases completely dedicated to a single project in order to produce large benefits and I did have high successes however it sooner or later ended due to influences that I was not able to control. I had to make peace with the fact that things in this reality are unpredictable and that it is best not to have a strong attachment to anything in this world. Thus I like to live a more independent life where I experience a high level of freedom and also be united by collaborating with others on the projects that are best for all life.

I see the potentials of how I can additionally change in order to remove my current weaknesses and build up the current strengths. When living and working alone at my apartment I enjoy the protection from the cold, from the noise, and from the nasty people. Yet I see that eventually, I need to interact with other humans, sometimes even face to face, and here I see how my vocal expression still result in undesired results and misunderstandings. Partially due to a relatively small vocabulary and this is why I am consistent with using a special vocabulary building tool on a daily basis and why I am also working as a professional distributor for that tool. And the other reason for the volition of my core being not being translated into appropriate words and sentences is due to persisting inherited mind patterns of separation. And this is why I am also constantly working on stopping, analyzing, and replacing the remaining tendencies that are connected to pure self-interest.

Suggested related Eqafe educational audios to listen:
The Dependence of Independency
My life of Co-Dependency
Asking for & Accepting Help
The Balance of Entertainment and Self-Learning
Secret Information