18 December 2016

Day 143: Why do my feet and legs feel cold?

You are reading the 7th consecutive blog post about cold feet or cold legs symptom that I have been experiencing for about last 10 years. For the full context of this process, I invite you to firstly read my previous related blog posts titled (1) The cause for cold legs where I discovered that one of the causes is separating me from myself by creating a constant self-criticism character, (2) Home remedy for cold feet where I walked the first contributing memory of my father painfully punishing me in my early childhood, (3) Solution for perpetually cold feet where I expanded the previous point of blame from perspective of defensive character that I develop in regards to my father punishing met, (4) Why are my legs always freezing cold where I faced the third important memory of being bullied by classmates during the first years of middle school, (5) Cold Feet Symptoms, Causes and Treatments where I went into my memory of not being accepted to middle school of photography and design and (6) Natural Cure for Cold Feet where I walked the timeline of being under pressure while working at my father's family business. In this blog post I will be facing the last event that I feel is relevant to my cold legs symptom which is breakup with my first girlfriend after three years of living together.




In the previous blog post I described how meeting a girlfriend was for me like an exit ticket from the tyranny of my father since at the time where I worked in his family business I was slowly conditioned into workaholism and I was not able to motivate myself enough to move out of the house to my own apartment and start developing independence. However when I met my first girlfriend at 24 years of age, moving to own apartment was much more easier since I did not do it alone. Moving to our own flat gave me also the practical reason to enforce eight-hour workday and a salary since before that I worked from morning to evening, even weekends, and I received no payment so I had to ask my father to buy me what I needed.

So when I started the first serious relationship with a girlfriend, I had a vision how we would be creating independent life and not allow any more to be pressured my any of our fathers. I expected from my girlfriend to watch my back and to deflect all attempts of breaking our unity. However while I was able to stand up for myself, she started to give in and continued to work overtime in each case where her father would demand from her to do so. And not only that, she also became a double agent and functioned as mediator between me and my father. I felt deeply betrayed because of that. Despite of all that, I continued to maintain the relationship with conviction that until at least one of the partners is dedicated to keep the relationship together, it will somehow work out. Those believes shuttered when after three years of living together, my girlfriend left me with explanation that she does not feel safe.

That event produced a devastating blow to me and I felt like I am incompetent partner and not able to be a good provider. After period of deep grievance and mourning, I decided to assure that such defeat will never happen to me again. It was the beginning of my dedicated research of psychology, human relationship and spirituality that has continued to this very day with great benefits for me. Eventually I realised that living alone in my own apartment and working as a freelancer was the necessary change that I definitely needed in order to have time and quiet space for introspection and self-reflection. If my girlfriend and I would have had kids, our lives would be very different and maybe we would eventually also break up which would produce even worse consequences for our children. I think that everyone should live alone and work without being influenced by their parents for several years in order to look at the inherited mind patterns and transform them as many as possible in order not to transfer them to their offspring.

Now is the time to look at these described events and take back my power by applying self-forgiveness for the points where I abdicated self-responsibility and created character of victim:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe that I myself as a single person do not have enough will to find my own apartment and demand a salary from my father in order to start developing my independence while I was working for him. I realise that I am the only one who is needed to change current situation in my life and that I do not need to be in any kind of relationship with some other person who would act as additional motivation. When and as I feel that I am not comfortable with how situation in my life is and my mind is creating thoughts like: “Now is not the right time for change, best to wait until you meet some other person that will assist you in making the change together!” to stop and breathe. I then take full control of my life and do the necessary change with awareness that I am the only one that I am waiting for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to have specific expectations about the person that I am in relationship with and holding on to relationship with hopes that other person will eventually change and align with our agreement. I realise that some humans have deeply rooted mind patterns and that it takes years to transform them and that some do not want to change even if supported with great effort. I commit myself to when and as I engage in a relationship to clearly express my expectations and minimum standards of behaviour and to set a deadline about how long I am willing to tolerate deviations. If the other person does not respect our agreement, is consistently and for significant period of time breaking the agreement, I commit to end the relationship and move on. I realise that my integrity comes first and I am not allowing anyone to compromise my core principles and life vision. There are a lot of people in this world and best to find someone who is aligned with me to satisfactorily level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to feel betrayed and sad if after a specific period of time I separate with a person that I have been in relationship with. I realise that I will be in life meeting many people and I will create with them certain relationship that will last as long as I need to realise some points and learn something and then we will go our separate ways in order to meet new people that will assist us to gain additional realisations. I commit myself to when and as I break up with someone and my mind produces thoughts as: “You are a bad and incompetent person and you have screwed up a precious relationship and you should be ashamed about that!“ to stop and breathe. I then fully accept the situation with realisation that coming together and breaking up is a perfectly normal part of life and that eventually death will part us from everything and everyone in this physical existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe that physical intimacy is something essential for my physical body and that I absolutely need some sex partner in form of another human being. I realise that my physical body is constantly touching something like the ground, the chair, the bed, and primarily the clothes that I wear. Then instead of looking for someone to be gentle and to caress my body, I can give such sensations already to myself in form of Abhyanga full body massage with warm oil or go to a massage to some professional. Also if I feel that my body needs to move or stretch itself, I can do some yoga asanas, go dancing, hiking, visit a gym or masturbate. When and as I sense that my body is craving for some physical sensation, and my mind is saying to me: “You need some girlfriend that will hug you, have sex with you and perform different sport and social activities with you!“ to stop and breathe. I then see what king of intimacies and activities I have projected onto someone outside of myself and rather look how I am totally able to satisfy those needs by myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to walk the process of self-transformation for many more years in order to clear additional mind pattern before I decide to have children. I realise that there are many layers of mind patterns within each of us and that one lifetime will probably not be enough to clear them all. I commit myself to when and as I contemplate about having children and my mind is telling me: “You are still full of shit so best not to have any children since you will transfer all you current limited believes to them and thus you become a criminal!“ to stop and breathe. I then in case of me meeting a proper partner to have kids with to be open to create my own family since children are also a cool support and assistance as they mirror your own patterns and thus enable quantification of the process effectively.  
In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-assisting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Long-term Melancholy after Relationship Breakup from the Life Review series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

11 December 2016

Day 142: Natural Cure for Cold Feet

You are reading the 6th consecutive blog post about cold feet or cold legs symptom that I have been experiencing for about last 10 years. For the full context of this process, I invite you to firstly read my previous related blog posts titled (1) The cause for cold legs where I discovered that one of the causes is separating me from myself by creating a constant self-criticism character, (2) Home remedy for cold feet where I walked the first contributing memory of my father painfully punishing me in my early childhood, (3) Solution for perpetually cold feet where I expanded the previous point of blame from perspective of defensive character that I develop in regards to my father punishing met, (4) Why are my legs always freezing cold where I faced the third important memory of being bullied by classmates during the first years of middle school and (5) Cold Feet Symptoms, Causes and Treatments where I went into my memory of not being accepted to middle school of photography and design. In this blog post I will be facing the next event that I feel influenced me psychologically in causing my cold legs syndrome which is resentment towards my father for pressuring me too much during my employment at our family business after I finished the middle school.




So, my father was originally a chimney sweep and my mother worked as midwife. Then my father progressed and became head of steel factory air purification system. After that he started to produce innovative products for the steel industry that already in the start of my middle school study developed in our family business. But then my father imported sign-making CNC machine from USA and due to recession in steel industry, we transformed into visual communications company. That was the breaking point since me and my brother became main production workers and my father took a role of bringing in the orders and providing all the tools and materials for the production. I as the only one skilled with computers was assigned tasks of digitalisation and vectorisation of logos, cutting them from self-adhesive foil rolls, assembling and mounting the signs and I also did the pre-press and films production for department of screen-printing that was managed by my younger brother.

The problem was that I was in the position where I had to spend most of time sitting in front of computer and using keyboard and mouse to create designs that were then used in my sign-making and also in brother's screen-printing department. The tasks that required direct involvement of my brother were only preparing the printing screens and initial phase of printing machines alignment and for printing of complete number of orders he was able to use additional hired man power. However every phase of the computer related and non computer related manufacturing process in my department was so demanding that I was the only one with sufficient knowledge and skills. And I had also the biggest responsibility since every mistake in the initial design process that was then reproduced before it was discovered meant a big time and financial cost for our company.

Additional nuisance was that my brother during his childhood develop a character of a joker and had been constantly seeking attention like by crawling silently under the table and scaring me. So while he had excessive time and wanted to play with me, my new job required a full focus and quiet environment. Then he even started to seek additional attention from my father in form of finding any mistake that I would make that day and when my father would return home from trip to clients, he would tell on me. My father then came to me and started to criticise me with anger for reported mistakes and he also could not comprehend that I only made a little progress with computer designs while he made many deals with the clients and traveled with his car hundreds of kilometres in the same time. The bottom line is that I was constantly pressured by my father and I had to do my job with less mistakes and much faster.

This progressed to the stage where I have been working from morning to evening even during weekends and I felt that whatever I do and no matter how much I try, I will never meet the expectations of my father. I was deeply disappointed that he treated me even worse than any other employee that worked in our company while I expected from him to understand and respect me more than others since I was his son and part of the family. I felt like the lowest level slave and disciplined to obey and perform as instructed by my father without seeing any way of escape. I felt into a trans-like state where I started to perceive the virtual computer reality as more real that the outer physical reality. Eventually I had to seek professional help and started to visit public psychologist. Sessions where I was able to speak out my mind without being criticised assisted me a lot and I was able to regain sufficient level of mental stability. However I still felt trapped and I knew that as long I would live in the same three-storey house where we had manufacturing facilities in the ground floor and my brother and parents would live with me in the top two floors, I would be still treated only as a production slave.

When I met my first girlfriend while I had as representative of our company visited the home business of one of our biggest client, I saw the opportunity of escape. Just couple of weeks after I met my girlfriend, we decided to move out of houses of our parents into our own flat. When I told my father that I am moving out, he made an incredible big emotional drama believing that I am by moving away telling him and all the world that he is a terrible parent. Then in the next four years, my parents firstly influenced my girlfriend and me to move twice to a new apartment closer to their house. And my father continued to pressure me and also used my girlfriend as a messenger who tried to convince me to work at my father's company for a bit longer and do yet some additional urgent jobs. All this accumulated to the point where my girlfriend decided to break up with me and move out from my apartment. This was the breaking point where I then decided to completely stop working for my father and started working as a freelancer.

Now I will look at relevant interactions and regain my footing by forgiving myself all the projected points of separation where I made others responsible for my own decisions in events as described above:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to work as the only computer specialist in our company while if I really wanted to could persist in educating co-workers to be equally skilled with computers as I was. I realise that decision for me to work as the only IT guy was also influenced by me and other family members to allow the most responsible work to be shared only among family members in order to keep the business in boundaries of our family line and not wanting to expand much to also include those who are not part of our bloodline. The starting point was to keep it small and manageable to fit the available space in the ground floor and not needing to build additional manufacturing facilities or even a new factory on a new location. When and as I look at the memories of the period when I was employed by my father and my mind produces thoughts like: “I suffered because I was pressed to much by my father and he is the one who has the full responsibility for that!“ to stop and breathe. I then see and realise my own participation in the events where I was equally responsible for the decision of working alone since it also fitted me best considering all the circumstances in that period of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be mad about my younger brother who has been constantly seeking the attention by secretly scaring me while I was working with computer. I realise that I did not take time to explain to him how my new job requires me to focus and that I can not allow myself to be distracted anymore. I commit myself to when and as I am doing some task that requires full focus from me and then someone disturbs me and my mind goes like: “What the fuck, just tell this guy to go away and leave me alone!“ to stop and breathe. I then take the time to openly and in detail communicate with the guy who wanted my attention to see if it is something urgent, to explain peacefully that I am doing some job where I do not want to be disturbed and if my attention is needed to schedule a time where me and the guy would be able to get together and communicate about the desired matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed for the good feelings of being something more to direct my decisions about how to deal with work tasks. I realise that I had listened to many conversations where my father praised my achievements in front of our family company clients and I felt good about it. Thus I decided to work alone in order not needing to share the deserving attention with anyone else which was pure expression of my self-interest. I commit myself to when and as I contemplate the approach how to get some job done and my mind is trying to convince me into thinking like: “Best to do it only by yourself and not allow for any co-workers to mess up things!” to stop and breathe. A then rather consider all the options, including sharing the work load with others and do it in a way where best interest of the client is considered and also the interests of all other people who have necessary skills, will and time to assist in completing the job in the most professional, timely and cost-effective way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to give relationship with my parents the most important meaning among all the relationships in my life. I realise that while my parents were the one who provided for my survival in my early years of my childhood and thus started to consider me as part of themselves, my responsibility is also in teaching them that children are also independent beings that need to develop sovereignty and not constantly counting for their parents to save them when they get into trouble. I commit myself to when and as I have some challenge in my life and my mind goes like: “Immediately contact your parents and firstly see if they are the one who can help you!“ to stop and breathe. I then consider all the options that anyone that I know can assist me with and treat my parents equally as anyone else who can help me. And I commit to especially see for myself how I created the situation, how I can get out from it by myself and how to change in order not to get in any undesired situation again in the future. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimise myself during the period of being employed by my father where I felt that I worked to much and had too little time to relax myself and develop my own independent personal life. I realise that during all my career there I had in very single moment the opportunity to negotiate working hours and my free time however it was myself who became overexcited by computers and creating sign and satisfying clients. I commit myself to when and as I plan my daily tasks and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Isn't that job just so excited? Why don't you do just some more tasks and you will relax later.“ to stop and breathe. I then look at how my physical body feels and what is telling me and always consider my well-being as top priority at all my decisions. I realise that work is never done as there will always be something to do. So best to relax regularly and take good care of myself in order to avoid unnecessary consequences in form of pain, illness or injury.
In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-assisting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Under pressure from the Life Review series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answer to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

03 December 2016

Day 141: Cold Feet Symptoms, Causes and Treatments

This is my 5th consecutive blog post about cold feed or cold legs symptom that I have been experiencing for about last 10 years. I will be here showing you a way of treatment that addresses the root psychological or spiritual cause as the accumulated traumatic memories from the past. For you to understand the full context of this process, I invite you to firstly read my four related blog posts titled (1) The cause for cold legs, (2) Home remedy for cold feet, (3) Solution for perpetually cold feet and (4) Why are my legs always freezing cold. In this blog post I will be walking the next major memory imprint that attributed for me to lose my footing and grounding which manifested my cold feed. The event is me not being accepted to the graphic design middle school that I applied for and thus decided to rather attend machine engineer middle school where I experienced many traumatic experiences as described in my previous blog post. So instead of walking the next event in the timeline I am here taking one step back since I feel that this event is also very much related to me becoming disappointed about my life and creating a personality of suppression.




When I had to decide what middle school to enrol in, my primary option was the Design & Photography Middle School in Ljubljana city. Soon after I applied, I received a notice from that school that they received much more applications than there were available seats. I had to take qualification test which I to my great disappointment failed to pass. I was faced with decision if I am to wait for one year and try applying again at the same school or to immediately start studying at any other middle school where they had enough seats and I would be thus accepted without having to take any qualification tests. I think it was my parents to finally convinced me that enrolling into Mechanical Engineer class at Jesenice Middle School would be the best option since it is also a kind of design process which includes a lot of drawing. It seems to also be a good decision since my father couple of years ago started with our family business where we started to produce metal constructions for industrial air purification systems and other small products from metal for the Jesenice Steel Factory where most of the people who lived in the city were employed from.

Being turned down at design school was very depressing for me since I considered it as an escape from my parents who started to suppress me more and more. I was not allowed to go out in the evenings or at weekends and I was constantly needed to assist others in our metal shop. I did not like the smell and feel of the metal since there was a lot of dust and paint vapours that were created in the manufacturing process and the materials were very cold. I had no opportunity to express myself creatively during the production process and there were constantly short deadlines so I had a very little free time. Consequently I was not able to develop my drawing and design skills so that I would have a chance when competing with other kids who also applied for design school. Many had much better background since at least one of the parents was professional painter, designer, architect or photographer and my parents were none of such kind. I had to teach myself how to draw and paint without and family assistance and support. Deeply inside me I felt that this was the correct profession for me.

Several years after my father stated with metal related family business, he once visited innovation fair in United States as representative of Jesenice Steel Factory and decided to import computer controlled self-adhesive foil sign-making machine. I was very excited about that and during my middle school I started to experiment with this revolutionary technology that almost totally replaced manual sign-writing profession. This was a kind of graphic design process however instead of drawing with hands, I used computer, software and the mouse that very limited my creative expression and also influenced my mind in becoming very restless and stressed. Due to international recession in metal industry that soon followed, my parents decided to completely transform our family business and we completely switched to sign-making and screen-printing services. Since my parents knew nothing about computers and graphics, my brother and I became the main producers and my parents managed the business from perspective of providing clients, materials and performing accounting. However even here I was not able to express myself creatively since my father did not understand design and cherished only the speed of sign-making and screen-printing.

Such environment created big frustration within me, I started to loose my mind and had to visit psychologist for the first time in my life. When I met my first girlfriend we decided to move together to an apartment quite far away from our family business in order to escape from the tyranny of my father. But he continued to press on me that resulted in breakup of my girlfriend and me couple of years later. I then decided to completely stop working for my father and work only as graphic design and photography freelancer. That finally enabled me freedom of creative expression and I enjoyed it very much. However I still used only computer tools for creative process and was not comfortable with hand-drawing. Internally I felt restless, my mind pressed me and also due to incredible shock when my girlfriend decided to break up with me, my passion switched from creating designs to discovering how human mind works and what is the meaning of life. Even though I still enjoy graphic design to this very day, I feel that I am lacking the basics of colour and design theory and core drawing skills that prevent me from excelling as a graphic designer. Thus I am thinking about how completely different my life would be if I would be accepted into design school in distant Ljubljana city where I would be safe from oppression of my father, probably also prevented from being bullied from classmates and definitely immensely supported in developing my deep design passion. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to compromise myself by taking the easy way and decided to study machine engineering instead of persisting and making sure that I study what I actually want. I realise that there are always the quick and the right options in life. Our minds tend to prefer shortcuts that create undesired consequences and time-loops while if we listen to ourselves/being the path might be longer and more challenging but also more fulfilling and satisfying. I commit myself whenever I find myself at the juncture where there are two or more option and my mind produces thoughts like: “Take the easy and fast way since why waste time and suffer!” to stop and breathe. At such moments I rather look within myself and see what I truly want and move towards that that goal no matter how long it will take and what obstacles I will have to face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to blame my parent for influencing my decision about what middle school to attend instead of realising that at the end it was me and no one else who made the final decision about that. I realise that my parents tried to be responsible and did consider all the options that they saw however since I was not passionate enough about attending design school, they directed me towards decision that they considered to be best for me and at the same time also best for the future projected family business. I commit myself to when and as I am in conversation with someone about what direction to move myself considering the mutual plans and my mind produces thoughts like: “Your personal desires do not really matter since it is more important to fit in and do what others want from you.” to stop and breathe. I then communicate clearly and directly about what I feel is my life vision and mission with others and stand firmly on my principles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel regret about me not immediately deciding to study at design school, believing that it would save me many years of troubles and assisting me in developing myself into much better and satisfied graphic designer. I realise that my imagination about how my life path would be and what experiences I would have if I would take middle school for design might be very different from what they would actually be. While design school should be supportive to develop design skills, I might still be experiencing there influences from authoritative teachers and bullies since no school is perfect and all in a way limit self in regards to full self-expression. When and as I look back to my options that I decided not to take in the past and my mind produces imagination about how my life would look like if I would take those paths, I stop and breathe. I then rather consider my current options and learn from actual past experiences to make better decisions that would compromise me as little as possible, where I would be able to express myself fully and where I would at the same time also be able to support all life as one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that he best way to lear something is to enrol in some public school instead of realising that most public schools are based on the military way of disciplining and shaping of individual into obedient follower. I realise that best way to excel in something is to learn from the masters as apprentice and from their books and courses where they have shared their knowledge and realisations. When and as I want to learn something and my mind is telling me: “Look for the closest public school or university and apply there since you will get a certificate of completion that will enable you to get a good paying job very fast.” I stop and breathe. Within realisation that quality of public schooling is very low, diplomas do these days not mean much, permanent employments are thing of the past, I rather decide to be self-taught and study from many better and easier available sources of knowledge that would enable me to excel in my profession and thus enable me to take care for myself much more effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my core passion is becoming a designer and that this is what I absolutely must focus to develop myself towards in my current life. I realise that definition of a designer is very limiting and that I as a living being have many more potentials to express myself and to perform much more tasks that to only do graphic designs. I must consider that my desire to become a designer could not actually be my life mission but only a preprogrammed idea based on how I have been influenced by my parents and environment that they have created for me where creating with Lego bricks was for example one of things that I was given the opportunity to play with. When and as someone asks me what my life passion is and my mind would serve me a thought like: “Tell them that you are a graphic designer!” to stop and breathe. I then rather expand and explain what are all the things that I am interested in and how actually I am not limiting myself to any specific profession since I want to express myself in a myriad of different ways.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to resent public schooling system and teachers for influencing me in a way where I feel that I have been abused, limited and suppressed. I realise that also the public schooling system has many historical influences from governments to ideologies and individuals. People who become teachers have different starting points and abilities and combining all together, each class, school and national education system is a bit different and provides different experience to an individual pupil. When and as I think about my educational experiences and my mind produces thoughts like: “Those nasty teachers have abused and harmed me thus I have the right to hate them!” to stop and breathe. I then put myself in the shoes of every teacher that I have met and see that I would probably act no different that they had. So instead of wasting time by thinking about the past and feeling sorry for what I have become, I rather bring myself back here into reality and see how I can invest time into perfecting myself since this is where I have the power of making any real change.
In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-assisting tools within DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled The Natural Learning Ability from the Life Review series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answer to any imaginable question about life and this existence.