Day 146: Self-criticism of my belly

Several years ago when I used to do a lot of mountain biking, my friend and I took a trip with our mountain bikes to the nearby Stol (Chair) mountain. During the downhill we stopped in the forest for a short rest and I asked him if he can take a picture from the side with me posing on my bike. After I downloaded the picture and looked at it on my computer my belly took most of my attention since it was like protruding forward and it did not looked attractive to me like I imagined it would. My goal was to give an elegant pose but I was ashamed of my posture the way it looked on the picture . So I did not post this photo on social media because I thought that others would criticise me.

After that I have for many times occasionally observed my belly in the mirror and wondered how I usually look from the side to the other people. I wanted my belly to be nice and attractive, especially to girls, of course. In many movies there are scenes where girls admire six-pacs of the guys and how it is suppose to be sexy. However I recently also stumbled on one article that explains how most of the women like men with the bigger bellies however I am not sure if they explained why. There is also a character of Santa Claus that has a big belly and is associated with a kind personality. And my father also has a big belly and he used to joke that a responsible lord has to keep his tools under the roof. There was also one viral video that showed a guy with big round protruding belly who hit it with his palm fast and it turned into a six-pacs. This obviously demonstrated that also bodybuilders are able to relax the belly muscles so that it looks protruded and round and when they decide to expose their six-pacs, they have to make an effort to activate their belly muscles. I also wondered if my spine has deformed in a more obvious S shape since I have been sleeping on my belly from my early childhood. Despite of all this worries about how my belly could look in the eyes of others, I never gave it much attention like becoming obsessed with going to gym or wanting to have a six-pacs to impress girls. However it does somehow persist in my subconscious mind and it influences my self-image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to have a six-pacs in order to become attractive and get girls. I realise that I had several girls and none of them complained about my belly. And as some research explained, some girls prefer big bellies oven plain ones or even six-pacs. I commit myself to when and as I observe a photo of me where my belly is protruding and my mind produces thoughts like: “Look at that big ugly belly! You should be ashamed of it and if you will do nothing about it, you will not be able to attract any girls.” to stop and breathe. I then continue to observe the photo of me and not allowing any emotional reaction to take over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my belly to bellies of other people, especially those who are actors in the movies and models in the fashion magazines. I realise that movies and magazines tend to promote a certain ideal of beauty and physical perfection and ignore the fact that humans come in various and very different shapes and sizes. I commit myself to when and as I observe myself on the photo or in the video and my mind goes: “What a geek, your body looks so strange that it would be better to hide yourself from the public in order not to create a disgust in the eyes of other!“ to stop and breathe. I then continue to observe pictures of me within energetic stability and awareness that it is natural to be different from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that my posture is bad and that my spine is crooked without even visiting a doctor or chiropractor in order to confirm the extend of how much if at all the shape of my spine is off from the optimum and if there are any concerns and needs to be adjusted. I realise that if my posture would be so much off I would received at least one comment from my friends about that so I should be just fine. I commit myself to when and as I think about the shape of my spine and my mind is producing an imagination how my spine is crooked to stop and breathe. I then refocus to something more important in my life or decide to schedule an appointment with s specialist to provide me with a real facts about the condition of my spine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a physical image of my body is so much important due to promotion of visual ideals in the public media. I realise that in any relationship physical image plays a very small role comparing to the whole spectrum and dimensions of interactions and collaboration that two life partners perform during the whole day alone and together. I commit myself to when and as I go in my mind and start to use my imagination to compare my physical body to any body of actor or a model, to stop and breathe. I then rather do some practical work with full acceptance of the way how my physical body witch I am temporarily incarnated in my current human experience looks like and with awareness that it is just one current dimension of who I am as eternal living being. 

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-assisting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audios titled Self Image and Imagination from the Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 145: Embarrassed in front of the dancing class

A similar memory that I walked in my previous blog post is being embarrassed by a dancing teacher in front of other classmates. Around age of 30 one of my female friends asked me if I would be willing to be her partner at tango dancing class. I liked this girl quite a lot and considered her a potential life partner. I did made several attempts to hit on her but she responded with letting me know that she does not enjoy the way I approached her. So I was very happy to see that she invited me to a dancing class with hopes that this might be a gathering that will being us closer together.

A couple of years before that friend invited me to a tango dance class I have attended many basic standard dancing classes at private music and dancing school called Tango. However that did not mean that the school was specialised in giving tango dancing lessons, that was just a name that the founder of the school picked out. We did have a couple of standard tango dancing lessons while I visited that school but I did not have any opportunities to practice dancing afterwards.

When my girlfriend invited me to a tango dancing class she told me that it will be just a couple of sessions in span of one weekend. When we arrived at the dancing hall for the first time I noticed that she was surprised to find out that the kind of tango that will be taught was not a classic but the Argentinian tango. She kinda missed that detail of information. And what we found out very soon was that there are big differences between those two kinds of tango. Not only that but we realised that it was also not a beginners class but a very advanced class. So we struggled very hard to keep with the pace of the lessons or better to say, we were unable to fit in.

And there was also a very unpleasant experience for me where I failed to fulfil the ideals of the dancing teacher in the most basic matter. It was the occasion where dancing teacher wanted to check out the way how our bodies move. So the first thing that he instructed all class participants was to form a very big circle. Then each one of us was to walk diagonally across the floor from one side of the circle to the opposing one. When the participants would finish the walk, they would receive an applaud and the praise about their grace of movement was given to them.

Eventually it was my turn to do the walk. So I stated to move my body and I took the long walk across the hall while others would watch me carefully. However when I arrived at the other side, the dancing teacher started to lough loudly and criticise the way I walked. He said that I absolutely do not know how to walk and that had never seen anyone walk more clumsily than me. I was very shocked and started to feel ashamed since never before anyone told me that there was something wrong with the way I walked. And I became also angry about the dancing teacher since I considered it wrong to behave in so insensitive way towards his dancing class attendees.

That event created quite a deep impression within me and after that when I would walk down the street I would often think that other are observing me and judging the way I walk. And there was also a related event several years later when I visited Desteni farm. Once when I had a conversation with Bernard he would with strong voice criticise the way I walk wanting to somehow show me that by waking as the way I did I am showing some kind of personality that was not in the best interest of all. And several years later I was also interviewed by some private TV channel and they also recorded some scenes of me while walking in the forest. However I never saw the recording of that interview and I am even not sure that it was aired at all. That created additional backchat and increased thinking that I am walking so strange that other even do not want to publicly show the recording of my walk.

Up to this day I am still asking myself what the hell is suppose to be wrong with the way I walk. And I also did never seen any video recording of me while walking. I wonder if the way I walk had changed in the past years due to progressing in the process of self-realisation. Maybe I did walked before in a way where it was shown that my body is very stiff and not very fluid in movement due to my past professional career where I would sit in front of computer for the most of the time. Maybe I now walk differently and no one has any reason to criticise my walk anymore. Anyway, I am recently careful to pay attention on my physical body while I walk and make sure that my walk is very relaxed, that I feel comfortable and that I do not allow myself to give any attention to the thoughts where I would think that others are observing and criticising the way I walk or look like. I have considered also to specifically made an effort to record the way I walk in order to observe how I actually move for my own self-reflection. But I do not consider this very important at this time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blindly accept the invitation from my friend to join her at a tango dancing class with expectation that she knows exactly what the class will be about. I realise that other people might not take proper time and focus to understand what some event is about and can come to a false conclusion. I commit myself to when someone invites me to some event and my mind produces thoughts like: “Just say yes and trust them since they must know what the event is about and that I will also enjoy it!” to stop and breathe. I then take time to do my own research and cross-reference if expectations of the one who invited me are aligned with the actual detailed description of the event plans.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that if someone is in a role of a teacher they must follow a proper conduct of behaviour and be careful not to say anything that will make their class attendees uncomfortable. I realise that any person who is sometimes also in a role of a teacher is also in process of self-realisation and that I must not expect from anyone to be nothing but perfect. I commit myself to when and as any teacher makes a degrading remark about me and my mind goes: “They should not say that and hurt my feelings since they are a teacher and must respect me completely and unconditionally!“ to stop and breathe. I then within awareness that all are in the process of self-transformation and that none of the remarks is to be taken personally communicate with the teacher and support them as one and equal in realisation how they can improve their communication with other by taking full self-responsibility for their own mind projections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hurt by the remark of the native Argentinian tango teacher that laughed at the way I walked. I realise that in Argentina they have a very different culture where most of residents practice their form of tango from a very young age and thus they also develop a more fluid and gracious way of physical body movement. I commit myself to when and as some skilled professional criticises something that I have done and my mind comes up with thoughts like: “Oh no, I am such a bad person who should be deeply ashamed of what I have done!“ to stop and breathe. I then with full understanding of the whole history of that professional communicate with them and explain that we all have different past experiences that shaped us and that they should not expect from others to excel the sam way as they do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for previous comments about the way of how I walk to haunt me. I realise that some comments were made from the points of separation and some were made with intent to support me in developing myself. I commit myself to when someone is commenting the way I move and I start to think: “Poor me, does really no one love and accept me for who I am?” to stop and breathe. I then communicate with the person who gave the comment and ask for a detailed explanation in order to understand if they want to actually support me or if they are only projecting their own points of separation. If I see that the comments are manifestation of emotions like spite, envy or competition, I dismiss the comments completely. And if the comments proved to be supportive in terms of showing me how my specific body movement express my patterns od self-limitation, I take them into account and use them to correct myself with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I go out for a walk to think about the possibility that someone is watching me and criticising the way how my physical human body moves. I realise that while someone might observe me when I am outside in the public, all judgments about my body movements are their own responsibility and have nothing to do with me. I commit myself to when and as I am outside and use my human physical body as medium of transportation or self-expression and my mind start to produce thoughts like: “Pay attention that you move in such a way that you fit into the crowd and not stand out in any way since others will start to criticise or even attack you!” to stop and breathe. I then if I am walking or running pay attention that my human physical body is as relaxed as possible and that it moves as naturally as possibly. And if I use my body to express myself while doing some movements that others might find strange, to disregard what others might think and express myself fully, following the natural flow of movements within complete oneness with my human physical body.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-assisting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Embarrassment and Personalities from the Atlanteans series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 143: Why do my feet and legs feel cold?

You are reading the 7th consecutive blog post about cold feet or cold legs symptom that I have been experiencing for about last 10 years. For the full context of this process, I invite you to firstly read my previous related blog posts titled (1) The cause for cold legs where I discovered that one of the causes is separating me from myself by creating a constant self-criticism character, (2) Home remedy for cold feet where I walked the first contributing memory of my father painfully punishing me in my early childhood, (3) Solution for perpetually cold feet where I expanded the previous point of blame from perspective of defensive character that I develop in regards to my father punishing met, (4) Why are my legs always freezing cold where I faced the third important memory of being bullied by classmates during the first years of middle school, (5) Cold Feet Symptoms, Causes and Treatments where I went into my memory of not being accepted to middle school of photography and design and (6) Natural Cure for Cold Feet where I walked the timeline of being under pressure while working at my father's family business. In this blog post I will be facing the last event that I feel is relevant to my cold legs symptom which is breakup with my first girlfriend after three years of living together.

In the previous blog post I described how meeting a girlfriend was for me like an exit ticket from the tyranny of my father since at the time where I worked in his family business I was slowly conditioned into workaholism and I was not able to motivate myself enough to move out of the house to my own apartment and start developing independence. However when I met my first girlfriend at 24 years of age, moving to own apartment was much more easier since I did not do it alone. Moving to our own flat gave me also the practical reason to enforce eight-hour workday and a salary since before that I worked from morning to evening, even weekends, and I received no payment so I had to ask my father to buy me what I needed.

So when I started the first serious relationship with a girlfriend, I had a vision how we would be creating independent life and not allow any more to be pressured my any of our fathers. I expected from my girlfriend to watch my back and to deflect all attempts of breaking our unity. However while I was able to stand up for myself, she started to give in and continued to work overtime in each case where her father would demand from her to do so. And not only that, she also became a double agent and functioned as mediator between me and my father. I felt deeply betrayed because of that. Despite of all that, I continued to maintain the relationship with conviction that until at least one of the partners is dedicated to keep the relationship together, it will somehow work out. Those believes shuttered when after three years of living together, my girlfriend left me with explanation that she does not feel safe.

That event produced a devastating blow to me and I felt like I am incompetent partner and not able to be a good provider. After period of deep grievance and mourning, I decided to assure that such defeat will never happen to me again. It was the beginning of my dedicated research of psychology, human relationship and spirituality that has continued to this very day with great benefits for me. Eventually I realised that living alone in my own apartment and working as a freelancer was the necessary change that I definitely needed in order to have time and quiet space for introspection and self-reflection. If my girlfriend and I would have had kids, our lives would be very different and maybe we would eventually also break up which would produce even worse consequences for our children. I think that everyone should live alone and work without being influenced by their parents for several years in order to look at the inherited mind patterns and transform them as many as possible in order not to transfer them to their offspring.

Now is the time to look at these described events and take back my power by applying self-forgiveness for the points where I abdicated self-responsibility and created character of victim:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe that I myself as a single person do not have enough will to find my own apartment and demand a salary from my father in order to start developing my independence while I was working for him. I realise that I am the only one who is needed to change current situation in my life and that I do not need to be in any kind of relationship with some other person who would act as additional motivation. When and as I feel that I am not comfortable with how situation in my life is and my mind is creating thoughts like: “Now is not the right time for change, best to wait until you meet some other person that will assist you in making the change together!” to stop and breathe. I then take full control of my life and do the necessary change with awareness that I am the only one that I am waiting for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to have specific expectations about the person that I am in relationship with and holding on to relationship with hopes that other person will eventually change and align with our agreement. I realise that some humans have deeply rooted mind patterns and that it takes years to transform them and that some do not want to change even if supported with great effort. I commit myself to when and as I engage in a relationship to clearly express my expectations and minimum standards of behaviour and to set a deadline about how long I am willing to tolerate deviations. If the other person does not respect our agreement, is consistently and for significant period of time breaking the agreement, I commit to end the relationship and move on. I realise that my integrity comes first and I am not allowing anyone to compromise my core principles and life vision. There are a lot of people in this world and best to find someone who is aligned with me to satisfactorily level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to feel betrayed and sad if after a specific period of time I separate with a person that I have been in relationship with. I realise that I will be in life meeting many people and I will create with them certain relationship that will last as long as I need to realise some points and learn something and then we will go our separate ways in order to meet new people that will assist us to gain additional realisations. I commit myself to when and as I break up with someone and my mind produces thoughts as: “You are a bad and incompetent person and you have screwed up a precious relationship and you should be ashamed about that!“ to stop and breathe. I then fully accept the situation with realisation that coming together and breaking up is a perfectly normal part of life and that eventually death will part us from everything and everyone in this physical existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe that physical intimacy is something essential for my physical body and that I absolutely need some sex partner in form of another human being. I realise that my physical body is constantly touching something like the ground, the chair, the bed, and primarily the clothes that I wear. Then instead of looking for someone to be gentle and to caress my body, I can give such sensations already to myself in form of Abhyanga full body massage with warm oil or go to a massage to some professional. Also if I feel that my body needs to move or stretch itself, I can do some yoga asanas, go dancing, hiking, visit a gym or masturbate. When and as I sense that my body is craving for some physical sensation, and my mind is saying to me: “You need some girlfriend that will hug you, have sex with you and perform different sport and social activities with you!“ to stop and breathe. I then see what king of intimacies and activities I have projected onto someone outside of myself and rather look how I am totally able to satisfy those needs by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to walk the process of self-transformation for many more years in order to clear additional mind pattern before I decide to have children. I realise that there are many layers of mind patterns within each of us and that one lifetime will probably not be enough to clear them all. I commit myself to when and as I contemplate about having children and my mind is telling me: “You are still full of shit so best not to have any children since you will transfer all you current limited believes to them and thus you become a criminal!“ to stop and breathe. I then in case of me meeting a proper partner to have kids with to be open to create my own family since children are also a cool support and assistance as they mirror your own patterns and thus enable quantification of the process effectively.  

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-assisting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Long-term Melancholy after Relationship Breakup from the Life Review series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 128: Gained new momentum

It is odd how I started to feel recently where I am not worried anymore about the lack of time to do all what I committed myself to do in a day. I have been regularly vlogging in Slovenian language now for 112 days and each week I would also record one vlog in English language. However I have not been doing any writing in the last couple of week. So now I have decided to also restart blogging however I did not want to commit to do only one or couple of blog post per month or week, I got incredible feeling that I will be simply able to write one blog each day.

I guess this is new feeling is the consequence of deciding to restart my graphic design services that I find very enjoyable since I am able to express myself and also earn money easily. In the past several months I have been focusing on developing a big project and was doing design work only for my father occasionally and the second source of money was from social support. I kinda did not want to do any other work since I wanted to focus on my big project. 

However this big project was such that that it required a lot of planning, organizing, collaborating and especially waiting. I was not able to move to the next step until I would be given a certain feedback from involved parties so this held me in a state of dissatisfaction. However as a designer I am able to get several design projects that take many days to complete and I can fill my day with the work tasks and I feel very fulfilled since I am doing creative work and express myself.

So despite of deciding to get additional work besides the big project that I am developing, I am now so excited that I see myself willing to write also one blog post per day with great satisfaction. It feels like I was suppressing myself all that time and now the clouds cleared and the sun begun to shine.

Related audio interview recommended for listening:

Finding my Calling in Life

Day 126: Group chatting self-judgement

While I had a group IRC chat the other day I noticed a quick unconscious reaction of self-judgement that would also manifest as a pinching irritation on the skin around my genitalia. So I decided to stop and transform this pattern since the manifested consequences on my physical body are far from desirable.

The nature of IRC chat is that things move very fast. Many people participate, some write more, some less and some are mere observers. Within that there are also some participant that I value more since they possess certain skills, wide awareness and have walked the process of self-realizations many years more than I. Thus I developed a respect which manifests as fear about how they see me and what they will say to me. 

During the chat I would follow the conversation and read the feeds from all the participants. Then I would have to decide if and what post to comment and what to say. The feeds move so fast that if I would write extensive comment, amounting to several sentences,  after posting it, I would have to go back and read all the post feeds from others that have been posted during me writing my comment. This pressures me in terms of making me mostly write only short comments in order not to miss reading posts of others.

However when I want to write a short comment, I have to decide what words to write in order to express myself fully while at the same time avoiding unclarity or misunderstanding when others would read what I wrote. This forces me to carefully pick the words that have the exact meaning of what I want to say and obviously in this I am limited with my current English vocabulary. Thus if I want to improve my English word expression, I will have to expand my vocabulary.

Interesting than that when I would write a short comment, I would start asking myself if my comment was clear enough and within that a self-judgement would trigger where I would claim to myself that what I have written was not specific and clear. Energy of anger towards myself would trigger and an itching feeling on my genital skin would manifest that make me scratch that area in order to release the irritating feeling.

So if I look into that pattern and ask myself, what are the components that contribute to this reaction, I can conclude that they are:

• perfectionism
• desire to be praised
• impatience
• laziness
• self-abdication
• projection
• fear of judgement
• valuing others more than me
• lack of self-trust
• lack of focus
• desire for entertainment
• bordom
• criticism
• comparison
• competition
• self-judgement
• fear of punishment
• feeling of being trapped
• overwhelmingness
• envy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards other chat participants who have been participating several years longer than me and have developed better communications skills that I currently possess. I realize that each person possesses different skills with different levels of perfections so it pointless to compare yourself towards others and create polarity relationships of being more or less towards others. I commit myself that within group communication I express myself in my unique way, according to the skills that I currently possess and I commit myself to invest time in developing my communications skills so that I will be more effective in fast and accurate live writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to after posting a comment to anticipate the responses of others and look forward to the positive responses where other will affirm that what I have written is true and correct. I realize that by acting in this way I create attachment to what I have written and am not able to be present in this very moment and am thus not focused what is happening now. I commit myself to after I write a comment to then immediately leave it where it is and then move on by reading what others have written so I can be fully present within the flow of conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the group chat value the comment from certain people more since they are in certain organizational position and execute particular function. So when I would read the comment from others I would look who wrote the comment and if someone that I do not know very good would comment, I would not place any big value to it, however if someone comment that I know well to be in particular position, I would consider it more valuable. Consequently if someone that I value more would give me a negative comment, I would feel fear and if they would give a positive comment, I would be proud and content. I realize that such relationship of labeling comment more and less valuable creates separation where I would make the source of the comment more important than the actual message. I commit myself that within group chats, I do not place any particular value on the source of the message, but to consider each comment or post equally and then investigate it from the perspective of common sense and the message that author wanted to express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to define IRC chats as primitive and boring since there is no sound and pictures. So when the chat would start, I would become impatient and restless and seek some sort of entertainment like browsing social media or similar. I realize that IRC chats are effective way of group communication since they are low in bandwidth consumption, very stable, without distractive elements, small in storing chat logs and practical for keyword searching. I realize that by engaging in additional entertainment forms during IRC chats that I loose focus and do not follow the conversation effectively. I commit myself that during group chats to fully focus on the text feed and actively participate in the conversation. By actively engaging in contributing the content, I emerge into the dynamics of conversation that than becomes interesting and consequently also the time within chat moves very quickly.

I forgive myself that I gave accepted and allowed myself to in case of extensive contributions in form of comments and perspectives of the participants in the IRC group chats to become overwhelmed by the quantity of information and thus create anxiety. I realize that by allowing thoughts and emotions to emerge during my attempt to follow the conversation flow, the mind is only redirecting my attention from what is here to the backchat which makes me loose the focus on what is here. Thus I commit myself to pay attention on the chat, breathe effectively and read all the text that is being displayed which in fact is not so much that I would need to leave out any of the sections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider the group chats to be something that I am forced to participate in and that I actually want to do something else. I realize that I actually enjoy the self-realization process that the group provides and that I find it very supporting and in time also very entertaining and fascinating. I commit myself to when I participate in the group chat to cherish the valuable opportunity of participating in such a cool supportive group, based on honesty and what is best for all.

Related audios to listen:

Comparison, Judgement and Competition

How do I Stop Punishing Myself?

Day 107: Bernard Poolman died

Days from 99 to 106 are in my Slovenian blog.

It came as a shock when I noticed a blog post that Bernard Poolman died. His daughter Cerise Poolman published that he passed away in the early hours of Sunday morning, 11 August 2013 (SA time) and that his heart stopped beating.

Bernard was my dear friend and a role-model. I had privilege to meet him when I visited Desteni farm two years ago. Based on the work he had done, he can from my perspective be easily compared to Jesus or Buddha. I did not expect him to go so soon, since he was working on the extensive life research and I expected that he has access to knowledge that would enable him to live forever. However I learned that the dimensions of existence that he researched and influenced also demanded from him immense effort so he suffered great pain end pressure while dealing with all the systems.

He influenced and supported me in a very unusual, but effective way. After years of visiting many spiritual workshops, retreats and paying thousand of euros for Reiki, Angelic and other alternative medicine therapies that did not work at all, Bernard assisted me greatly. When I was at the dinner table in the Desteni farm kitchen, we had a conversation. I did not said to him verbally, however in my mind I was saying to him: “Here I am now. I have come here for you to destroy me. Now do it!". And he did. He destroyed me with greater intensity that I ever imagined.

By destroying me, I mean destroying my ego, my false self, my mind that I tried to destroy myself for many years but nothing worked. I knew that gurus and healers are fakers. They just stroked my ego and I required a firm hand to beat the hell out of me. Bernard had his ways, only few people understood why he was doing thing the way he did, but he was exactly what I needed. He was not afraid to speak what he wanted to convey, all he wanted was the truth and what is best for all. He stood up for all living beings bravely and heroically.

My most prominent point was fear of judgement from others. I feared expressing myself and thus developed quiet, introverted personality who was hiding behind computers and cameras. Bernard discovered this right away and gave me a lesson that I will never forget. Now, thanks to his support, I fear no more. I stand up firmly and do not care what others think. And I also learned to support others in similar ways that Bernard supported me. Some are so caught in their minds, so possessed with love and light that need a firms shaking before they realize their bull shit fakery.

I will continue the fight he started, I will keep beating the hell out of me and out of others, until all evil will be removed from this world. The destruction of life must stop, the mind must stop. We have lived in separation for too long. It is time that we learn the lessons, open our eyes and realize what we are doing to self and others. We can do much better than this. We can create a world full of abundance and prosperity. We can create heaven on earth. And we will!

Day 34: Resistance to the new job activities

Days 31, 32 and 33 are in my Slovenian blog

My new job of selling a new product created more resistance than I imagined. While I have been working mostly from home in the past years, and customers would be mostly business people that found me on the internet and came to my office to place an order, I am facing the job now where I will have to go to the customers. And they are not the business people but families with kids and different professions.

I have a mentor who is supporting me in becoming a better salesman and from what he thought me, I realized that I will have to change extensively. Until now I did not have to make a lot of effort in order to get an order since I worked in graphic and web design and photography. The products were commonly known and from my past work references the customers knew what to expect from me. Now I am selling a new product that is a new technology and nothing that has ever existed before. And also the use of the product bring a spectacular results in terms of personal development and transformation of the society as a whole.

The first challenge for me as a salesmen is to test and use the product myself. There can not be a good salesmen that tries to sell the product that he is not using himself. One has to become convinced that the product is of high quality and is beneficial for the user. Since the product requires mind activity, I experience resistance due to my addiction of watching movies and am thus finding reading much less attractive. I will have to discipline myself firstly to star using the product myself and see the result of its use on myself and that will then enable me to become more enthusiastic about the product and will thus also be able to make more sales. At sales in fact you are never selling the product, but yourself.

The second point is that selling this new product requires me to develop new skills and totally change my mindset, develop my self-esteem and transform my attitude towards other people. Throughout past several years I have developed introverted personality with constant evaluation and judgement of others. I was directed by others and became used to wait for the orders. I was basically in a very passive mental mode. The new job requires me to become proactive, to come forward, to make connection with others, ask question and become genuine interested in what other want and need. It is so that certain product can only be sold if it fulfills the needs of others. Thus I have to learn what are the problems and challenges in the life of others and how the product that I represent could solve that problems.

The third challenge is the price of the product that I am selling. The product covers the user needs for several years and is thus a long-term investment. Due to its unique technology, the long-term savings and the incredible benefits of its use it requires from customer to come with quite a lot of money. This bring me even in the bigger mental pressure. I have to become absolutely sure for myself that the product is more that worth of that kind of investment and that it is a life-time opportunity where customer is to find a way of getting the money since it is for its own best interest.

And the last point is that the products comes with such a marketing plan that creates a very good money-making opportunity for me. Due to extensive amount of accepted and allowed limited and destructive believes in regards money, I have a challenge allowing to come such quantity of money in my life.  I have to become convinced that I am worth of receiving money and become rich. I definitely already know how to spend it so that quality of all life on earth will become better and I have to understand that I will not be able to achieve that without firstly allowing a lot of money to come to me and thus becoming very rich.

The most challenging from me is the need of creating a more pleasant personality. So from being a quiet introverted serious person who answers only when asked, I will have to become more relaxed, opened, initiative and happy person. The best effect in sales is made if you smile during the product presentation. And this is very difficult to me. I have become used of being secretive, flat-faced, judgmental and angry. Being happy and joyful is a whole new experience to me, like bringing the fish out of the water. So I must change my personality, my resonances or my water extensively. And this is why I experience such massive amount of resistance that I never imagined.

Day 25: Relationship breakup self-forgiveness

In the previous two posts of this blog I wrote about my decision to break up with my girlfriend that lived with me for about 4 years. In this post I will take self-responsibility for my decisions in regards to this relationship and correct my behavior patterns in order not to do the same mistakes again.

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to feel hurt and disappointed since my first girlfriend after three years of living together left me instead of realizing that the reason was not me hurting her in any way but her desire to be in relationship where her partner would abuse her as here father abused her on a daily basis.
   
   
2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed not to initiate any relationship with girls since I did not want to be hurt again and rather waited for the girls to initiate contact with me instead of realizing that rejection is a part of life and that it is best to stay emotionally stable regardless if a girl rejects or accepts me.
   
   
3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to indulge my last girlfriend who made a lot of effort to become my partner for constantly calling me and sending me messages for over a year and then accepted her in spite of initially not liking her very much instead of realizing that person who has issues by accepting NO will also be incapable of equal communication in the long run.
   
   
4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to feel good when my last girlfriend praised my body details and told me how incredible and beautiful I am instead of realizing that physical obsession is never a good starting point of a relationship and that what makes relationship work is ability of both partners to effectively communicate and understand each other execute what is mutually agreed.
   
   
5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to wait for so long for my last girlfriend to start her process of inner transformation instead of realizing that her reluctance is so strong that she will not start the process unless I break up with her and leave her to face the consequences of her mind patterns on her own.
   
   
6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed not to see how being in a relationship with I person who thinks that money is the root of all evil and that lot of money automatically corrupts you is influencing me to such extent that even I have started to experience problems with earning money instead of realizing this issue sooner and split with the person with such limiting believes.
   
   
7. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be afraid of connecting with girls that I like since by comparing my body with movie actors and magazine celebrities I defined my body as less attractive and thus not being worthy of relationship with the girls who I find attractive instead of realizing that what body shape is not what others are attracted by but the confidence and self-esteem that one expresses by non-verbal communication.
   
   
8. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to live my life from the state of passive observer and admire achievements of others, believing that I am incapable of achieving high goals due to my physical looks instead of realizing that even people with strong disabilities have been able to do amazing things and thus I am also more than able to achieve much more that I currently perceive to be my limits.
   
   
9. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be paralyzed by the energy of fear and stop in moving forward instead of accepting any challenge in my life as an opportunity to grow and expand by looking deep inside me and pointing out what kind of accepted believe is creating this inner conflict and energy of fear and removing it with assistance of self forgiveness.
   
   
10. I commit myself to open myself to opportunity of meeting a more supportive partner in my life and testing her level of ability and preparedness of becoming my agreement where we would both actively walk our process and support each other as equals.
    
    
11. I commit myself to when and as I see a girl that I like, I breathe and remain here and not allow for her physical characteristics to overwhelm me but engage in the conversation as equals and then by asking questions find out if we she has a thinking patterns compatible with mine to the level that is worth of engaging in a relationship.

Day 24: I decided to brake up with my girlfriend

In the previous post of this blog I wrote how the visit of my good friend opened up my eyes and assisted me in becoming aware how detrimental a relationship is where your partner is constantly telling you that it can not be done, that you will not succeed, that money is root of all evil and a lot of similar limiting and unsupportive claims. One can try consciously telling itself that these statements are not true, however when hearing them every single day for several times, they slip to the subconscious and unconscious mind and start to sabotage you without being aware of.

Yesterday I decided to have a talk with my girlfriend and told her that I suggest to part. She agreed and told me that she also expected me to come to this decision sooner or later since she also was not very committed to our relationships and desired a different lifestyle. I am planning to prepare myself for political an leadership activities and I need a capable and supportive partner who does want the same. However my girlfriend did not want even to dress different, but was always in casual new age clothes and wanted to live without any big responsibilities in the nature and do some agriculture or similar activities.

Our relationship was beneficial for both of us, we learned and realized a lot. I gain experience about how is to be fully physically loved and accepted and I saved here from previous violent relationship and showed her how man can communicate and act peacefully. However now is time to move one. I need a more supportive environment, friends who build me up, who see the solutions instead of problems, who realize that each one of us has power to achieve incredible things and that with dedication and focus we can relatively quickly turn this world into what is best for all.

So today my girlfriend is moving out to her parents place and will focus on finishing the exams for her high school of cosmetics before she graduates in one or two months. My business will thus also stop offering her massage services and I will from now on focus on counseling, educational and informational products that support life. I plan to develop my connections with groups of successful and responsible people that I have been involved in and use my time and abilities to create as big social impact as possible.

I see what are my next challenges and there are a lot of mountains to climb yet. I am looking forward to transform myself to more open, collaborative and successful person, meet new people, expand my perspective and activate unlimited potentials that await me. There are people out there with mentality that speed up creative process to unimaginable levels and there are possibilities that no one would ever dream of.

Day 2: Influence of other being on my life

Since I have started to listen to Desteni videos, especially vlogs and interdimentional interviews, I realized, how much each one of us has been influenced by the structure of systems in this reality that extends beyond what human physical senses can detect.

Similar to electromagnetic radio, TV and mobile phone signals that we can not see, however they do in fact exist, how can we know what other systems and frequency transmissions we have been and are exposed without ever noticing. We may perceive that we have a free well, that we live in a free world but we can not know how extensive we are influenced by many intangible things.

Out thoughts appear in our minds without knowing how they are produced, where they come from and if anyone else is producing them and thus controlling us. Some say certain thoughts are from devil, some from angels, some from god or higher me, so the question is then how to know the origin and starting points of this voices in our heads and the emotional energies that are produced as the result of the following of those thoughts.

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to take my thought for granted without every really investigating where they come from and how they influence my life.
   
   
2. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be directed by outside influences without making sure that starting point of each of my action is what is best for all.
   
   
3. I forgive myself not to stand up and take full responsibility for my life but instead allowing to be directed by thought and energy polarity of positive and negative feelings.
   
   
4. I commit myself to research all the intangible influences on me and my life and exposing them for what they are.
   
   
5. I commit myself to stop the influence of thoughts, emotions and feelings by focusing on my breath whenever I notica a thought in my mind without me being its creator.
   
   
6. I commit myself to direct myself in every single breath aligned wit the principle of equality and what is best for all.

Finished DIP Lite

For the past couple of months I was not writing my blogs. I decided so since I did not stabilized my financial situation yet and I had to focus. I was afraid that writing blogs would take precious time that I could use by focusing on my projects.

However I was aware of the necessity of continuing of my process of self-realization, thus I decided to try out the new free online course Desteni I Process Lite or DIP Lite for short. I started the course November 16th 2012 and I pushed myself to basically do one lesson per day. I finished the last lesson yesterday, so it takes at least 4.5 months or about 135 days to finish it. I thank my buddy Yogan Barrientos for approving my DIP Lite assignments during the course.

During the course I was supported to develop a habit od daily writing thus today I am happy to say that I restarted writing my blog with the assistance of the daily writing habit that I developed during DIP Lite course. I will now direct myself to do my daily blog writing regularly in order to enforce this very supportive habit. I then plan to continue the Desteni I Process by starting the DIP Pro course.

Past several times was a very turbulent period for me, since I accepted two design web projects for the customers that came out not to be the best match for me. I learned now to importance of creating and signing detailed agreement for every single project in order to avoid misunderstandings. However I am glad that I have put those projects behind so I can now fully focus on my new business.

Life After GIN reply

This is a publicly published copy of my reply to forwarded e-mail announcement that FTC is about to arrest Kevin Trudeau and that also GIN club that I am member of will consequently cease:

Dear fellow Destonians,

after reading all the linked legal papers of the FTC, listening to all the audio recordings of past lectures that Dr. Leonard Coldwell had for the GIN members that are available for the GIN Level 1 members, reading Kevin Trudeau's books "Natural Cures They Don't Want You To Know About" and "The Weight Loss Cure They Don't Want You to Know About" and many of articles an the web, accusing Kevin Trudeau of different illegal actions and frauds, meeting and listening Kevin Trudeau live in Germany last year and in Chicago and Nice this year, and going through all the GIN affiliate training material, a can conclude that:

1. Kevin Trudeau has been raised in a very poor family, some times not having enough even to buy the food and that fired up Kevin to create for him a life where he will not have to suffer and live in scarcity anymore. As a child he was diagnosed with learning disabilities and suggested to select mathematics as profession or some other job, like forester, since he was suppose to have no ability to communicate and work with other people. He proved them wrong by overcoming his deficits and becoming a very successful salesman and communicator. In certain period his passion for making money drove him over the edge and he spent almost 2 years in prison. However he learned the lesson and that made him a better person. He started to pick the occupations where he would be able to develop himself but also to benefit the society as much as possible. This is why he joined the American Mega Memory Institute and later worked as the most effective salesman of the homeopathic remedies in an MLM company. After becoming very wealthy, he started to diversify his business and that created even more wealth for him. However now Kevin has realized that we are all in this together and that none are free until all are free. And GIN is the manifestation of this realization.

2. The Global Information Network was created with intention to make this world a better place for all by creating a global community of responsible people who would represent an opposing force, big enough to stop the corrupt elite that wants to enslave all the mankind purely for their self-interest. GIN provides almost identical support system that elite secret societies had for their members, however with much lower entry requirements and thus enabling almost anyone to join. However the club is not for everyone; the full age, understanding of English language and sufficient financial success is required in order to become member. However every member can engage in optional MLM affiliate program and earn at least the initiation fee and monthly membership dues back. For me, over 10.000 hours of audios, videos and books on how to become emotionally stable, build a harmonious relationships, become a responsible businessman, cure yourself of every disease, time and money management principles and all the networking and friendship creating opportunities are more than worth of membership dues. However some pople had unrealistic expectations, left the club and became GIN hate speakers. And we all have experienced how and why this things happen.

3. Dr. Leonard Coldwell has its own health clinic in Germany and is treating cancer patients with virtual 100% success in comparison with conventional medicine with only 3% of success. What fired him up was the case where doctors almost killed his mother that had cancer with radiation and chemotherapy thus he decided to take situation in his hands. Dr. C as he is also called, was until recent a very respectful speaker in GIN and he was payed a high speaking fees. However he is not any more a GIN speaker nor member or affiliate and a have suspected that it would come to this point some day. This is because I have heard some audio recordings of Dr. C in the GIN online library where he admits having agreement with GIN for not advertising his own products directly in his speeches for the GIN members, however he deliberately broke that agreement. From how I perceive him, he is very high tempered and wants to push things his own way thus this renders him incapable of collaborating in GIN as a group and respecting agreements.

4. Federal Trade Comission or FTC as well as Food and Drug Administration or FDA have been exposed in Kevin's books as puppets in the hands of large corporations and are utmost corrupt. Basically all legal system is tailored to fit the profit interests of big business, especially big pharma and food producing multinational corporations. They are systemically destroying the legal system and small businesses and dumbing down and enslaving the nations. It is a big challenge to find an effective way about how to stop or even reverse this process. One approach is Desteni and the other is Global Information Network. Both have upsides and downside, both fit differed kid of people and both have challenges, but both have the same goal or starting point. Kevin has in his late GIN audio explained that he is aware of the legal and also illegal attempts to disable him, since he is a very influential whistle blower on government corruption, however he is convinced that the GIN global movement will continue also without him, since the truth eventually prevails every single time.

So we are all in this together, we pick the ways that best suits our needs for the lessons in order to gain as much realization and became effective in living here with all our needs covered. Basically all of us need to become a responsible co-creator in this world with full awareness of the consequences of our every single action on all the creation. Personally I fully support and advertise Desteni agenda of world equality and Equal Money System, however I am temporary focused on GIN in order to get the complete picture about what it is about and what one can benefit from it. Transformation of self and global system is definitely necessary in order for all to be able to live here as one and equals with all the needs covered and full self-expression protected. Collaboration of us all is required in order to achieve this goal as soon as possible. This is possible only with taking self-responsibility for all our thoughts and emotions and effectively directing ourselves based on the principle of what is best for all.

Valentin Rozman

PS: Since GIN is creation of 30 people, Kevin being just one of tem, selected to be a frontman of the GIN, he himself expects that GIN will continue existing also if something happens to him. A lot of effort was made in many years of preparation and computer simulation prior to GIN launch in order to make sure that GIN will be a stable club and totally aligned with the legal system in every country in the world. Every organization can collapse any time, and it is up to every member to act as a glue and hold the organization firm and strong or spread speculations and thus create fear that will lead so separation and destruction. It is our thoughts and action that create the future.

PS2: I just listened to the GIN Member Weekly Audio where Kevin explained that since the court does not want to consider any objection from his side regarding his court case anymore, he decided to pay fine of 33 million dollars thus there is no reason for him being arrested. The club by his words stands firm and will continue to develop as planned.
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2012 Improving communication and understanding

Miscommunication is a big problem in this word, especially since there are so many languages out there. But even when two people speak the same language there are still many occasions when they can not understand each other. Even when we thing that we understand other person, this could in fact not be true.

If we want to understand the cause off all this, we need to go back in our childhood to the moment when we were born. We could go even more back in time, since the baby starts to hear sounds even when still being in the mothers womb. So from very early period of embryo development, we start to build associations and give meaning to physical feelings, sounds and pictures.

Artwork by Matti Freeman

This is the way the consciousness and our personality is being created. However since we have different experiences, we build different associations to the same objects, sounds and pictures and this is where points of separation are being created. For example two people can have different understanding of the same word and also different emotional reactions associated to this word.

The biggest problem among this are emotional reactions, attached to certain sounds and pictures. If we allow ourselves to emotionally react, the energy takes over control of our physical body and we are unable to stay here and direct ourselves as we want to. Thus self-forgiveness of any associated believes, ideals or any other perceptions is the primary suggested step to make in order to start living here as one with all life.

The next step is vocabulary purification or unification. If we do not have the same definitions that is meanings associated to the sounds and pictures, we are unable to communicate effectively. If we look at other living beings, like animals, we can see, that they are able to understand each other more clearly than humans are able to understand each other. This is definitely worth of consideration.

Improving communication is definitely a challenge that can be solved with different solutions. One could be development of a brand new spoken language that would be used all over the world. Some attempts like Esperanto has been made, but it is not the most effective way of understanding each other. Also a non-verbal way of communication is an option, like it is currently used by people with hearing and speaking disabilities.

However until we unite as one nation, as citizens of planet Earth and all speak the same language, we can start improving communication by removing our mind reactive behavior and focus attention on what the other person is in fact trying to communicate instead of allowing our mind to distract us by backchat and emotional reactions. Also when attempting to communicate a careful selection of world and precise description of the subject is very important in order for message to be delivered as intended.

So when starting communication it is important to breathe, slow down the mind, speak clearly and take time to bring proper message to other person. And when receiving the message it is important not to react on every single word, based on our vocabulary definition, but to firstly check an double check using questions to come to clear confirmation that what your perception of received communication is aligned with what other person actually wanted to communicate.

1. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to speaking fast in order to save time and thus compromise the quality of communication with other people instead of realizing that it is not quantity of information that counts but the amount of clearly transmited pieces of information.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hear or read the words spoken or written by other people and immediately reacting based on my own perception of what the other person is saying instead of firstly making sure that my understanding what other person was communicating is correct.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to immediately to react to all messages that I defined as love & light deception by posting Desteni material as comments and replies instead of taking time to understand the perpective and understanding of the person that posted the message and directing the communication as one and equal with other person until mutual understanding of all facts is achieved.
   
   
4. I commit myself to slow down and take all the necessary time and detailed vocabulary while communicating with others in order to effectively expose all points of separation, illusion and deception until we become able to understand each other clearly and realize the necessity of supporting all life here equally.

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2012 Spirituality Exposed - Ignorance and apathy of Zen and Tao

The other day some guy came to visit me in order for us to know each other better. We shared our life story and our future plans. What surprised me was his decision to go on a sailboat and sail around a world in couple of weeks. This decision was based on his understanding that life is very simple and that you can life a fulfilling and joyful life if you reduce your personal needs on the minimum and not to possess a lot of things. He was inspired by his past spiritual experiences like Zen and Tao and he learned to a modest life to be the key to happiness.

Artwork by Ann Van den Broeck

Well, I also have a lot of colorful spiritual experiences. Zen, Taoism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Christianity and many other religions and spiritual paths was also what I studied in depth. There was I moment in my life when I was obsessive Hare Krishna fanatic, dressed myself in sheets and preached the high knowledge of Vedas from door to door with my lap full of precious books. I was prepared to sell all my propriety and live in the temple to live as servant to my lord Krishna and other living beings. From my perspective I knew what life is, what is purpose of life and what is my mission in this life.

I felt safe in Hare Krishna society, there was food, lectures, prayers, dancing, mixing, having fun and feeling good. I started to watch people who were out there in the matrix as lost and delusional and in great need of help from our side in order to save them from their ignorance. However I slowly started to realize that even Hare Krishna society needed the source of income. We had to sold books and charge fees for events and then the society also opened a Govinda's franchise restaurant. So religions are not much different from any other business since money is the essential means of exchange and without money there is no god that can keep you alive in current world system.

Of course one can then decide for a path of a loner, find some place in this world when governments allow individuals to pick a part of land and live there in separation. But even this can not last very long. Ruling elite can swap, change laws and they drive you away from the land. In this word, anyone can use the system to raise himself up to the top power position and use money to do whatever they want, even kill millions of people for the protection of their self-interest. So becoming a loner is not the highest and best way of living that can be applied to any single person, only for those who were born in elite part of the world, who know how the system functions and who know how to get from the system whatever and whenever they need.

But this kind of attitude is not the highest realization and certainly not the final point of self-development that one can achieve. It is only a celebration of your ego and your individuality by totally ignoring other individuals and leaving them with their own problems. Even further, individuality and self-interest is the cause of all suffering in this world since we ignore the needs of other and advertise only the free will and free enterprise and thus leaving also a space for the freedom of abuse. The free will and free enterprise means also a freedom to do whatever you want without consequence and without any limitation. However since we live in limited physical reality on one planet where billions of other beings live, you always influence others with your own actions.

Thus the highest realization is that if you want to properly be taken care of, you have to consider also other fellow beings. Eventually a new system will have to be implemented that takes care for each individual and prevents any person who want to practice his free choice by deliberately hurting others. This system is already being developed and is called an Equal Money System. It is a practical functional peaceful political program that will change the world laws so that a dignified life for all humans, plants and animals will be guaranteed from life to death. Join the EMS forum and participate if you also want to support practical oneness and equality.
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2012 Slowing down and taking self-responsibility

The prominent point in my life is being restless, inpatient, doing things in a hurry, walking and talking fast and signing documents with ineligible scribble. I see there is so much things to do in my limited life time, and there are also monthly expenses that I need to cover so I have to also do many things to earn money. I want to do many things, express myself, enjoy life but I constantly estimate if or how much certain activity will bring me money. Thus I want to fully make use of available time to do as many things possible.

I give impression to others that I am a calm, peaceful guy, however there is fire within me that burns and wants to move fast. It is these mind patterns, accepted and allowed believes of perfection that make me restless inside. I notice that when I observe things, read books, watch movies and talk to other people, many subtle instant energies of anger are produced inside me that I feel as irritation on my skin. I feel it even now when I am writing this. And this is certainly not something that I want to experience in the future.

Within my desire to help and assist other people in also becoming a more stable and responsible human beings, I have noticed, that I am sometimes not very successful due to my impatience. I want them to realize the point quick and I do not make enough effort to assist them in a proper way. I wonder if it is worth of investing my time in explaining or is it best to leave them alone in order to other life experiences to give them proper lessons. I am asking myself how extensive should my support be in order not to become too occupied with assisting people and thus running out of time for properly supporting myself.

I learned recently how importnat is to write, especially in handwriting since this helps in exposing your secret mind and facing all your thoughts that run in our minds fast, too fast for understanding what is their role in our lives. What is also important is to live here practically in this system which means being careful of how you handle money. Until now I was not following very much my money flow, meaning income and outcome. When I had money, I would spend it, when I would not have it, I would do something to earn it. My application was not very contant and I was occasionally surprised when I did not have enough money to cover my expenses.

Next time I talk to people, I listen to them as one and equal and do not allow any emotions of anger. I note carefully every single income and outcome in my personal and professional life so am 100% on track about how money flows in and out. When I notice some energetic reaction within me, I stop, breathe and forgive all the points of polarity with writing or speaking our self-forgiveness out loud.

2012 Spirituality Under a Microscope - Sexual Exploitive Healers

In this blog post a part of Desteni campaign where we expose all sorts of spiritual and new age deceptions and abuse. From within 15 years of my spiritual research I am going to focus here on one experience where a Reiki healer tried to exploit me sexually.

Around year 2000 I noticed some rush on my skin. I went to my personal doctor and she prescribed me some ointment. After applying this medicine on the skin for several months nothing changed, so I started to research alternative medicine. The first book that I found was about Reiki energetic healing. From what I found in the book this healing technique was working miracles, so I decided to give it a try. After I finished reading the book, I asked in the public library if they knew any Reiki healer around. They told me that someone was doing this way of healing but they do not know if he is doing it anymore, but they gave me his contacts anyway in order for me to check it out.

I called this guy on the telephone and it was a man around 50 years old. He told me that he is still giving Reiki so we made an appointment at his place. I went there the next day and we invited me in his living room. After me describing him my problems and asking him if Reiki would help, he said that it definitely will and that it is worth a try. I asked him how to proceed and he told me to lie down on his sofa on the back. I gave him all my trust and he started to lay his hands on my body in order for Reiki energy to flow from his hands into my body and heal the problem. After few minutes he told me, that Reiki energy would flow much more easily if I am naked and he asked me if would be comfortable being naked. I said that I am used to take a sun bath at the sea naked and that I am not ashamed if somebody sees me naked.

Thus I removed all my clothes and lied back down on the sofa. I closed my eyes and allowed him to continue with laying his hands all over my body. Since the rush on my skin was around genital region, he asked me if he may lie down his hands on the rush. I allowed and he proceed. Soon he started to lie his hands also on my penis and he explained to me that it is fully ok if I get aroused which I soon did. Then I started to feel some unusual feeling on my penis. With my eyes closed I figured out that my penis was in his mouth so I told him: "Hey, this is not a Reiki healing anymore!" I opened my eyes, he approached my head and asked me if he may kiss me. I refused and told him that I am not interested in any gay sexual activities.

I put my clothes back on and then we had a talk. He admitted that he is using Reiki healing for the purpose of finding out gay sexual partners and he asked me for understanding and forgiveness and if I can keep this event for myself. I was a bit shocked and disappointed since I never thought of something like this could ever happen to me and I was also ashamed if others would find out what happened to me. However I promised him that I will not expose his identity in regards to this event to anyone. In next years some other female friends also shared with me how other healers tried to sexually exploit them so it seems that this kind of abuse is quite a frequent event.

Besides Reiki I tried out also other healers with different techniques, from Traditional Chinese Medicine, Ayurveda, Natural Oil therapy, Taijiquan, Tantra, Meditation, Vegetarianism, Angelic healing and all have promised me quite fast definite removal of my health problems, but none had any significant effect. I found out that the cause for my problems are rooted deep into my unconscious mind patterns and that only with patient and dedicated self-honesty, I would be able to become aware and forgive myself all the points of separation and polarity that I accepted and allowed in my life. True healing starts with self-responsibility and equality. There is no fast escapes so let us all start now in order to get this done as soon as possible.

2012 Recent experiences of extreme pain in regards to my father and borrowed money

A week ago I also went to visit my father in order to talk about the money that I lent him about a year ago. Hi promised that he will return it to me by the end of past year which did not happened. In January this year I asked him how come that he let me down and where the money went to. He answered that he needed the money in order to buy the material for his handicraft business in order to prepare for this year's tourist season. He is already retired, but still active in mediaeval reenactment and history of print.

I was not fun of hearing that he invested my money is his own business instead of returning me the money as he promised in order for me to support development of my own business. So a week ago I visited him again with intention to check out the current financial status. He said that he expects to return all my money by the end of August this year, which I found unacceptable. I need money now and I have already started to sell my video and photography equipment in order to get the money.

I learned that basically everyone owns a lot of staff that it can be sold and thus converted to cash, and I also decided to sell some stuff that I do not need at this moment in order to cover my monthly expenses. My father own a wan, a motorhome, an apartment, a workshop and many of machines, devices, computers, old books and many more things. So I explained him that from what I see he could easily sell some stuff and get the money, so the excuses that he can not return my money is not real.

In fact I explained him that since he did not return my money, I had to sell my almost new video and photo equipment for at least with 30% of discount, thus I am loosing money since he does not return money that I lent him. I started to blame him for my money loss which in a way is true. However there is also many things that I could done different in order to protect my interest. I simply trusted him that he will return the money so we did not put it in writing and agreed about the details of what would be the consequences of he not returning me the money.

The next day something happened that I then defined to be as manifested consequence of the backchat in regards to this point. In the morning when I got out of my bed, I experienced I slight pain in my back. I had an appointment that day with some potential business partner, but the pain was not strong enough for me cancel the appointment. So I packed my heavy bag with the products samples and drove half un hour away to the house of that person. We sat down in her dining room and started a conversation. After about an hour of sitting, I got up and it that moment I experience immense pain in my back.

The pain was so strong that I could hardly breathe and I would rather die in that moment. It manifested not in the middle of vertical line in my back, but a few centimeters to my right, stretching about three decimeters from the level of my shoulder blade. I asked the person that I have been visiting to assist me with massage which she did. Then I asked her if I may lay down on her bed and she allowed. But it took half un hour for me to managed to lie down on the bed since initial attempts failed due to immense pain when trying to change the posture of my body. But finally I managed to lie down on my belly and rested.

After few hours of lying and being assisted with hot-water bottle on the pain area and additional massages, the pain decreased to the level where I would be able to stand up and go back home. Now, after one week I still feel a slight pain in that area so it diminishes very slowly. It was unusual experience, not the back pain that I experienced in the past, but as the vertical muscle at right side of my spine would be in cramp. I am not completely sure if the pain is connected to the point in regards to my father and money but this could explain the reason.

And yesterday another pain appeared in a very unusual place. In the evening I started to experience a pain on the inner side of my left left leg, a few centimeters above the ankle. At that time I had new pair of socks on and when I pulled the socks down, I noticed the dent on my skin around my leg from the elastic top of the socks. I started to wonder if the socks pressure was to strong and thus resulted in the swelling, but I am not sure. There was no visible change on the surface of the skin, but the area in size of an apple hurt if I would press it with my fingers.

I don't remember hitting my leg in that area that day and I see no great possibility for something to sting me in that spot so the cause for the pain still buffles me a lot. Today the area is still swollen and the minor portion of the skin is red. Could I have hit myself somehow and then forget this event? Strange things happen and make me wonder what to do in order to avoid any further pain and how to walk the process of self-realization in order be as effective as possible. I have a limited time and it is hard for me which way to move and how much time to invest in any activity in order to support myself financially and to be successful in terms of walking my process.

1. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the feeling of anger and resentment towards my father for not returning my money instead of having the conversation based on facts and current situation and directing the point toward solution that would be best for both parties without allowing myself to create any energetic reaction.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to simply trust any person that everything that will turn out just fine, creating just a basic verbal agreement and thus allowing the possibility of misunderstanding and forgetting points, instead of taking time to specify all the details of agreement and putting in in writing so both parties have clear overview of what is expected and what will be the consequences if the agreement is not fulfilled.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to blame my father for causing the loss of my money since I decided to sold my video and photo equipment for much lesser price that I purchased it recently, instead of realizing that the decision of selling the equipment is solely my responsibility and has nothing to do with anyone else.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not to properly record and manage the money incomes and outcomes in my personal life, not knowing knowing how much money I have and thus spending more than I can afford, instead of making sure that this point is clear so I can better plan my investments and ensure that I will not go into debt.

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2012 Analysis of all the opportunities that I have been exposed to

Two days ago I participated at great event in regards to one of two MLM business that I joined couple of weeks ago. This business just started in our country but two leaders of our group managed to create a very spectacular event that exceded even my wildest imagination. It is not that the size of the show was something that I never seen before, I just did not expect this level of excellence to be presented in such early development stage of this business. There were fabulous drum and singing acts involved, gorgeous slide and light shows and also the most luxurious models of Mercedes, Ferrari and Porsche cars were put in the middle of the stage and hall. This certainly impressed all the spectators, including me, who was also invited to the stage as one of the company distributors.

The next day we had a seminar for the distributors where one of the first European diamonds and millionaire taught us about the fastest way to earn a lot of money in this business the fastest way possible. Then also two of other leaders from abroad gave lecture about different points in that business. The coolest thing is that the leaders of our group also managed to come to agreement with leaders of the other group from the same business in our country so that we could work as one big family in order to reduce costs and increase overall effectiveness. What made me think the most was the fact that one can build their distributor network and become a diamond very fast if one fully dedicates to that business for couple of next weeks and focuses all the time and resources on supporting its downline.

This business opportunity has thus been presented to me as a very lucrative way of building a big passive residual income but one has to make some sacrifice and deliberately become totally blind for all other things in life for next couple of years on order to become millionaire. This fact made me consider about what I want to achieve and experience and if this would be the best way to reach these goals. Since my long term goal is implementation of the Equal Money System that would unconditionally guarantee a dignified life for all living beings in this world, and because it will take a lot of money to get into politics and change the system, this seems a cool opportunity to reach this goal faster.

There is also another MLM business that I started about 8 months ago that is also a very cool way of creating a large passive residual income. In comparison to the latest business, the first one is more about education, becoming an effective and responsible manager in you life, but it came out that it takes couple of months before you actually put your first dollar in your pocket versus the latest business where you are able to transfer commissions every single week. And in the first business the product is information in foreign language that many of people in our country do not understand, however in the latest business, the product is a much more healthy form of beverage that almost all people consume on daily basis in large quantities thus you can sell it to a lot more people than the first one.

And there also other money making opportunities that I could use. The primary one is of course my own business where I could offer services of graphic design, photography and counseling, not to mention the Equality Store online shop that i developed for the support of Equal Money System. However there are not many of Equal Money supporters currently and at Desteni they also opened Eqafe online shop with downloadable products that became the main focus in terms of creating their income. As an affiliate I could also participate in promoting Eqafe products and thus earning some money but I am not sure how much income could I generate and how to successfully market the products. The fact is that each one of has has a limited time and I will have to decide what will be my priorities in the future in order to support myself effectively and at the same time create a future that is best for all.

What troubles me the most is that I can not know how things will develop in the future and what path would lead to best results. World situation is a very unstable and everything could change very quickly. World economies could crash, natural disasters could happen, thus nothing is certain. What also troubles me is how the businesses that I am going to participate in will influence my life and lives of others. I realized that every business means building a strong relationship with customers and the line of product and the consequences of the consumption of this product will also influence the way and the sort of people that I will meet and how those people will then start to perceive me. And there is also the different mentality or awareness of associates connected to each of different businesses. So it is quite challenging for me to decide where to invest my time and money.

From what I currently see is that all of two MLM businesses will in the first couple of months or years take money and time before the income becomes larger than expenses and one can do this kind of businesses only if additional source of income has been established or if some money has been saved. I have invested thus far a lot of my money from selling of my apartment in all these businesses and now I have also started to sell all of my video and most of photography equipment to cover all my monthly costs and investments in the MLM businesses. So in order to establish for myself additional source of income I now decided also to restart my counseling services. Since I am now located in the center of our capital city I expect a great demand for my services and a stable income. The only thing that I need to do now is to invest time in redesign of my web site and promotion of my services.

It seems that the best way for me will be to prioritize my counseling business where I could also sell some Desteni or Eqafe products and the products from two of my MLM businesses to my counseling customers in regards to current situation, interests and goals in their lives. Since the rent for my large apartment is very high and since the woodblock floor is old and cracks, I also consider moving to a different apartment with stable floor and lower rent, at least until I also become a millionaire.
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