Day 108: Relationship addiction

In relation to listening of What is Sex audios and Bernard Poolman's death based on a heart attack, I became more aware of sexual anergy connections and associations that I created in regards to sex, energy of orgasm and relationships. Also the interviews of death experiences enabled me to understand the process of dying from a new perspective where the extensive influence of the mind or mind-consciousness system is exposed. That created additional motivation to change my habits, especially in regards to masturbation and watching porn.

What I have noticed was that I in a way enjoy being single and master of my time, having peace and silence whenever I want, however a part of me desires to be in a relationship with a woman of specific characteristics, not only for sex, but also as a business associate. I understand this desire is mostly the product of influence from society and my parents who want me to be in relationship, get married and have kids. However many successful people are single since having a steady partner is too much of obligation and time-consuming situation.

In spite of being satisfied with me as being a single person, I occasionally find myself fantasizing to engage in sex or relationship with some young, beautiful woman. This fantasies can be triggered simply by looking at some picture of random FaceBook profile or watching some movie trailer or even meeting some person in flesh. I then imagine myself being with this person and start thinking about how to contact this person in order to find out if she would be a proper partner for me.

Within this thinking I evaluate all the characteristics of the person, like if they smoke and drink, if they are intelligent and educated, if I would like the tone of their voice and smell of their skin and also if they would be willing to start a process of self-honesty and collaborate in business projects with me. I then very quickly conclude that it is a very small chance that some person on the photo would be fully qualified in regards to all that demands and that it would probably be waste of time trying to contact them and research their personality.

However sometimes I would stumble on some photo of a woman that I would find especially attractive, and I don't mean in terms of just being pretty like a photo model or a beauty queen, but there would be a certain face characteristics of a person that I interpret like being very open and relaxed person, exactly the personality type that I always desired. I would then research the profile of the person for example discover that this person is already in relationship or married or even has kids. This realization would trigger a great disappointment and sorrow, that sometimes accumulates into a hearth arrhythmia or a small heart attack.

When I experience this kind of heart problem, I have to immediately bring myself back here, focus on my breathing and stop daydreaming. So this is definitely a proof that mind creates nothing but troubles and can even create a massive heart attack that results in death. This can especially manifest during sex when, as I learned from the inter-dimensional audios, heart literally stops every time when the orgasm is experienced. I will have to become more careful about participating in the mind before it is to late and the mind would destroy my physical body beyond repair.

Day 107: Bernard Poolman died

Days from 99 to 106 are in my Slovenian blog.

It came as a shock when I noticed a blog post that Bernard Poolman died. His daughter Cerise Poolman published that he passed away in the early hours of Sunday morning, 11 August 2013 (SA time) and that his heart stopped beating.

Bernard was my dear friend and a role-model. I had privilege to meet him when I visited Desteni farm two years ago. Based on the work he had done, he can from my perspective be easily compared to Jesus or Buddha. I did not expect him to go so soon, since he was working on the extensive life research and I expected that he has access to knowledge that would enable him to live forever. However I learned that the dimensions of existence that he researched and influenced also demanded from him immense effort so he suffered great pain end pressure while dealing with all the systems.

He influenced and supported me in a very unusual, but effective way. After years of visiting many spiritual workshops, retreats and paying thousand of euros for Reiki, Angelic and other alternative medicine therapies that did not work at all, Bernard assisted me greatly. When I was at the dinner table in the Desteni farm kitchen, we had a conversation. I did not said to him verbally, however in my mind I was saying to him: “Here I am now. I have come here for you to destroy me. Now do it!". And he did. He destroyed me with greater intensity that I ever imagined.

By destroying me, I mean destroying my ego, my false self, my mind that I tried to destroy myself for many years but nothing worked. I knew that gurus and healers are fakers. They just stroked my ego and I required a firm hand to beat the hell out of me. Bernard had his ways, only few people understood why he was doing thing the way he did, but he was exactly what I needed. He was not afraid to speak what he wanted to convey, all he wanted was the truth and what is best for all. He stood up for all living beings bravely and heroically.

My most prominent point was fear of judgement from others. I feared expressing myself and thus developed quiet, introverted personality who was hiding behind computers and cameras. Bernard discovered this right away and gave me a lesson that I will never forget. Now, thanks to his support, I fear no more. I stand up firmly and do not care what others think. And I also learned to support others in similar ways that Bernard supported me. Some are so caught in their minds, so possessed with love and light that need a firms shaking before they realize their bull shit fakery.

I will continue the fight he started, I will keep beating the hell out of me and out of others, until all evil will be removed from this world. The destruction of life must stop, the mind must stop. We have lived in separation for too long. It is time that we learn the lessons, open our eyes and realize what we are doing to self and others. We can do much better than this. We can create a world full of abundance and prosperity. We can create heaven on earth. And we will!