Day 187: Self-forgiveness on dating

These are my self-forgiveness and self-corrective statement as part of the process of self-perfection that I learned by walking the Desteni I Process courses in regard to my previous two blog posts about my experiences with dating again after several years of basically being single.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus on dating to the level of me having almost no time to develop my business plans. I realize that I have used dating as a form of distraction in order not having to face all the necessary tasks that I need to do in order to make my new life coaching business moving. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “You can postpone your business plans for now since your income is sufficient to get you through the next month!“ to stop and breathe. I decide to rather focus on my business first and develop a stable source of income and spend only my free time on dating activities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as being able to apply my gathered knowledge and experiences in regards to self-perfections the best only if I engage in a  relationship with a woman. I realize that the only thing that I need to face my mind and release all the limiting patterns is myself and my self-honesty. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thought like: “It is more effective to walk the process of self-perfection when you are in a life relationship since the other person can assist you with a reflection of your mind patterns!” to stop and breathe. I decide to rather focus on walking my process alone and only if I by any chance find a proper partner do I then establish an agreement with her to reflect and support each other as an additional form of support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be in a relationship with a woman who already has young children in order to express myself as a father and to apply my gathered knowledge about how children are best to be raised. I realize that there are also other options for me to be of service to society and that raising children is a path with quite limited reach and one of many options to influence humanity in a positive way. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thought like: “Due to your current age it would be more suitable for you to pick a separated or widowed woman with young kids and assist her with raising her children!” to stop and breathe. I decide to rather research all the options like creating online webinars or courses where I can have even greater impact on society and also earn money with it.

Related supportive Eqafe audios:
I Fear Missing out
Avoidance: Face Yourself
High Expectations for my Child's Future
Life Review of a Dependent Personality
Stay at Home Mom
What do You Want for Your Child?
The Product of a Sheltered Life

Day 172: Flatmate relationship dissected

The other day my flatmate came home after she left with her bicycle the day before in the evening. Soon after she went to her room, she started to scream the name of her boyfriend with excitement. A moment later I heard apartment doors opening and the voice of her boyfriend while I was in my own room. Then my flatmate nocked on my door and explained with loud voice through the door about how she thinks that I think about her and that I should stop that. I answered that what she imagines is far from the truth and that she should stop imagining things about me. Minutes later I wrote her an SMS text message, explaining that last day I am experiencing a lot of stress and that if she will not stop with such untrue accusations, I will ask the landlord to replace her with some more peaceful flatmate.

If I self-honestly reflected on the described event, I have concluded that the problem was: Allowing myself for the recent past events, especially the confrontation with the working inspector, keeping me in an emotional state. Not taking action to reflect on the confrontation by writing and calming myself down. Using my emotional state to play the character of a victim and responding to my flatmate with projected blame where I make her reponsible for the level of my emotional disturbace to accumulate over the limit.

If I would have been self-honest, the moment would look like this: Realizing that I am in a state of emotional disturbance due to the recent confrontation with a working inspector and taking action to assist myself by writing in order to return back the energy of stressful experience so that it would not accumulate over the limit when my flatmate decided to also speak to me about her stressful emotional state. Listening to what my flatmate had to say as one and equal and responding so that so that I and she would be supported equally.

And here are the related self-forgiveness and self-commitment statement that I wrote in order to correct myself and to assure that I will act differently in similar events in the future:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to expect that my visit to a work inspector will have the outcome where she will acknowledge that I lacked the experience and had nothing but good intention. 

I realize that despite how I perceive my actions to be, others can see them from a different perspective and respond in a way that I did not anticipate. 

I commit myself to when and as I am meeting an official person and presenting my case and my mind is producing thoughts like: “You are a good person with the best intention so expect to others also see you like that.” to stop and breathe. I then have a meeting with them and be ready to their response regardless of what it is.  

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to in the past years to influence my current flatmate by indicating that I am willing to be her boyfriend while she was in deep emotional distress and primarily wanted to speak with me to give her professional support. 

I realize that I have not been sensitive enough about what she actually needed and that now she prefers to speak to me through the closed door since speaking to me face to face is too much intense and uncomfortable for her. 

I commit myself to when and as some female contacts me and asks me for support and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Maybe she actually wants to become my girlfriend and is just shy of telling me that.” to stop and breathe. I then rather keep my distance and give as professional support as possible without having any preconceived ideas about what the female wants. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear approaching women that I find attractive due to the risk of being turned down. I realize that refusal from others is a natural process of seeking a proper life partner and also a part of doing business in general. 

I commit myself to when and as I see a girl that I like and my mind is producing thoughts like: “She is too pretty for you and you will certainly have a lot of competition if you start flirting with her so best not to bother.” to stop and breathe. I then rather gather the courage and address her regardless of what the outcome will be. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only be open for a relationship with women who express that they are in distress and need help. I realize that this was my tendency because I have perceived such women as the one that I can approach more easily and there is less danger of them turning me down since I can present to them as someone who can effectively help them. 

I commit myself to when and as I notice a women who has problems in her life and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Get in touch with her since she needs help and because you know the tools that she can help herself with she will definitely be grateful to you and maybe become even your girlfriend in order to express her gratitude.” to stop and breathe. I then rather offer women in distress a professional help and look for a potential partner among the women who do not show the need of wanting to be saved by someone. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed past recent stressful experience with a working inspector to keep me in a strong emotional state and postponing with taking action to assist myself with writing.  

I realize that many shocking things can happen during each day and if I procrastinate with facing past events that have triggered an emotional response within me regularly, new events could accumulate too much energy and render me incapable of facing future events with state of common sense and equality.  

I commit myself to when and as I experience a stressful event and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Ah it is just a small disturbance that is not significant to write about is so just let time to pass and it will go away naturally.” to stop and breathe. I then rather write on a daily basis and face my emotional reactions regularly in order to keep a sufficient level of my energetic stability.

This blog post is part of my assignment within the advanced Structural Resonance Alignment course. I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome Desteni I Process self-perfecting courses, starting with the DIP Lite free online course. And to listen to the following related educational audios from Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence:

The Difference Between Male and Female Emotions
Relationship Fantasies
Saviour Complex
Goat and Saviour Complexes
Why is it so Difficult to Find Love?

Day 156: How to approach women

This blog post is a related to my writing a few posts back titled:
Day 149: How I experience myself towards woman

After 4 years of being single again I decided to restart dating several months ago. Since computers have been my main professional creative tool it was natural for me to firstly engage in online dating. So I researched what are the best national and international dating web sites and mobile apps and have created my profile. My experience so far is that this kind of dating is quite practical in terms of having the ability to search for a proper partner based on different criteria. However the downsides are that there are a lot of fake profiles and scam attempts, it costs money to pay for subscriptions and many of people who are single even do not have any dating profile. Since currently I am living on social support and have not yet established a sufficient stable monthly income I have not been able to pay for online dating subscriptions and could thus not contact girls who indicated that they like my profile. So until I make some more money I have decided to rather engage in live dating.

I do not like going out in terms of visiting bars and clubs since there is loud music that makes conversation hard and I also do not want to meet someone who smokes, takes drugs or drinks alcohol. So I simply wanted to see if some girl will attract my attention during my usual routines of taking walks and exercising in the gym. And so I did in the past months noticed some runners who crossed my path and some girls at the gym however it never came to the point of me actually speaking to them. There were many thoughts in my mind that prevented me to take any practical action.

The first justification was very existential and that is why should I not simply be satisfied with what I am and continue to enjoy the benefits of being single instead of engaging in all kinds the drama related to being in a relationship with another person. Because experience of begin single and experience of being in a relationship have both upsides and downsides. Why not just continue being aware of my breath, enjoying myself in the current surrounding, being creative and having a lot of free time while living a simple life? Why disturbing my inner peace by allowing myself to become attracted to some girl outside of myself and making my life much more complicated than it currently is, especially if we would have kids for example?

However what I noticed within me is that I have become tired of being single and that I would like to experience again the benefits of being in a relationship and also having my own kids for many reasons. Because for example much more can be done in collaboration with another person that you can fully trust in and not to forgets the benefits of experiencing sex in many ways. And especially having own children is a very unique experience because the interactions with a being that is slowly growing and learning can make you think more about the meaning and potentials of life. So this is why I not so long ago decided that I shall experience also having my own family. However here again this experience is related to money and I do not feel comfortable engaging in a relationship without sorting out my money issues first. And I see this happening very soon because my friends and I are creating a new business that should make us a lot of profit.

Other point that I am facing with when approaching women is how to choose which is the one. Obvious factors are the way how someone looks and moves. There are some girls who I find very attractive or beautiful. I am still not sure why it is that certain face features are attractive and represent beauty and some are not and can be described as ugly. Because we all have heads and two eyes and a mouth and a nose somewhere in the middle. I am baffled with the fact that different ratios and positioning of face features can act as being attractive or repulsive. And I am also uncomfortable with such polarity since I do not want to be attached to anything outside of me in terms of falling in love with a beautiful girl. I do not want to long for someone and feel the lack because someone that I love is not close to me. And than there is also fear of loss because that girl can die soon or someone else can steal it from me due her beauty. But not only that, also she can feel uncomfortable thinking that I am with here only due to her looks and her fear of loosing me would increase with age when her beauty starts to disappear. 

Women then also have different preferences about men if of course I disregard lesbians and bisexuals. But generally a classical type of men is a muscular and rich man who would be a good provider, protector and will guarantee a safe environment for his woman and children. From the perspective of biology this makes sense because women are the one who birth new life and during the pregnancy they are much more vulnerable than man. And comparing to men their bodies are also generally smaller and less powerful. So typical men represent power and stability and women represent creativity and beauty. Thus it looks like men are competing who will reproduce with the most beautiful women and they are competing for the most powerful men. It is all about the survival of the fittest and evolution of the human race if we look the whole dating scene from pure biological perspective.

Then there are anomalies when individuals transcend such primitive attraction and change their preferences about their perfect partner. Some fall for intelligence, some strive for someone who wants to live close to nature, and there are all kind of qualities that some are seeking in their partner. When meeting someone their body language, facial expression, the way they talk and dress can to certain level reflect their non-physical qualities. However first impressions can sometimes be deceiving since many wear masks and hide who they truly are. So it usually takes many months or even years before you are able to know true nature of someone that you consider as a potential partner. Thus dating takes a lot of time and other resources and it is quite a nuisance when after years of time invested you discover that your partner is not sufficiently compatible with you to be able to spend the rest of your life with them.

I learned that in some culture parents are the ones who pick wives for their sons. Maybe because they feel more competent in selecting the best match due to much more life experiences. And there are also other factors because when two get married this is not only a union of two individuals but a merger of a two whole family clans. Especially on top levels like kings they have picked their queens from all kind of strategical political and financial interests. So marriage is not just a two individuals deciding to live together and maybe have kids but is also involves legal dimension about ownership of assets that are transferred from generation to generation. Certain kinds of marriages even considers women as a liability that must be purchased from the parents. And a state marriage also involves social protection programs where children are legally owned by a state and can be taken away if parents do not meet certain criteria.

Other threats that having a family is also creating is infiltration and extortion. When you are in a relationship with someone a bond is created, ways are set and a life partnership is like a small business where two are setting goals and collaborating towards their fulfilment. Thus both need to work as one in order to avoid any conflict. While you might know who you are and what you want, it is possible that your partner can be influenced by ideas of some other individuals who want you to fail in your personal and business life. Your partner can turn into double agent and counteract your efforts. Someone can also use your spouse and children to threaten and extort you. Your family members can be kidnapped and tortured in exchange for money or in exchange for some other favour. So when you decide to stop being single and create a family, life can get very complicated and besides many potentials it also brings many dangers.

Besides all that things can also take undesired route in other ways. For example you spouse or kids can get very sick, maybe even terminally ill. They can get get hurt in accidents, loose parts of their bodies, ability to move and perform mentally. All kinds of things imaginable and beyond imagination can happen that are far from your ideal plans of having a partner and a family. Thus while it is cool to have plans in life and to know what you want, it is also important to stay aware that one can control only few things in life and everything else will be a result of actions of billions of other being that each of us share this existence with. This is why I am now going to look at some of my related mind patterns and transform them so that my mind will be aligned with the reality as much as possible:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to forget that life is far from ideals in fairytales and that no one lives happily forever after without any challenges. I realise that in every single moment a lot of things can happen that can turn my life upside down and completely change my options. I commit myself to when and as I wake up in the morning and mind is producing thought like: “Tomorrow will be the same as yesterday so just carry on with your daily routine and everything will be fine.” to stop and breathe. I then rather live the day within awareness that I can not possibly know what will happen in the next moment and to be in constant readiness for the unexpected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fear approaching girls that I find attractive due to believe that they will have power over me and will use their beauty to manipulate with me. I realise that I have also been using many tactics of manipulation from my birth on to get what I want from my parents, friends and partners. While beauty of my physical body was not my main asset to attract others, I have been using other skills like knowledge, information and ingenuity to satisfy my personal interests. I commit myself to when and as I notice some girl that I find physically attractive and my mind goes like: “She is too beautiful for me and I bet that she will completely enchant me. She will use her spells to take all my money from me and eventually leave me for someone else so I must stay away from her.” I then engage in casual conversation with her while being aware that each of us has different assets that others can benefit from and that there are women out there who seek exactly what I have to offer. So it is just a mater of being patient and test as many women as possible until I meet a proper match for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that women who are physically attractive can easily get everything they want and are the only one who exploit others. I realise that while they definitely got more attention from men than less attractive women, they might have also suffered abuse and can be in fear that others want them just for their good looks that will eventually disappear with age. I commit myself to when and as I see some good looking women and my thought are like: “She has the whole world on a golden platter and absolutely no problems. Good for her!” to stop and breathe. I then create relationship with girls in consideration that each of us is incarnated in a different physical body with different talents that all have their upsides and downsides. I thus treat everyone as one end equal, knowing that we all need to use our assets as best as possible in order to survive in this world since the situation is far from everyone being taken care unconditionally for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat women only from the perspective of my self-interest in terms of imagining how I will be able to have sex with them and how they will give birth to my children instead of treating them as equal human being. I realise that women are not here just to satisfy the needs of man and that women also have their own desires that we man can fulfil in mutual and equal satisfaction. I commit myself to when and as I see a woman and I think: “Sole purpose of women is to give sexual pleasures to men and birth children so I must pick one that I will have the most pleasurable sex with and will provide me with healthy offspring.” to stop and breathe. I then approach women with awareness that they equally enjoy sex and care to find a proper partner that will offer necessary support for them and the children that will come through them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear approaching women when I am not dressed elegantly due to believe that the first impression is most important and that I need to initially visually present myself as a successful and respectful member of society. I realise that while clothes can assist you in impressing others, what women respond to most is the level of self-confidence and being persistent. I commit myself to when and as I meet a women and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Oh no, she is so charming and I am not very well dressed so best not to embarrass myself by even trying to speak to her.” to stop and breathe. I then engage in conversation with awareness that I am not my clothes and that it is important to be constant in thoughts, words and actions regardless what shape and colours of fabric I put on top of my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become discouraged because I have not been able to move when noticing some attractive girl due to becoming paralysed by all kinds of energies of feelings and emotions. I realise that every skill needs to be developed and I have not been practicing life dating at all. And equally like I have developed any other skill that I currently master, I can become master of approaching even the most attractive women that I notice. I commit myself to gradually engage in casual conversation firstly with less attractive girls and then slowly progress to speaking with more attractive ones until I will completely loose any fear and will become comfortable speaking even with the beauty queen of the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach others only when I wanted something from them instead of regularly making casual conversations with complete strangers and thus getting to know others without any expectations. I realise that I have been mostly communicating with others online and only in terms of achieving certain agenda thus I am lacking live social skills that are necessary to function properly as a productive member of society. I commit myself to not only engage in conversation with women that I like and with those that I want something from them, but also with all others since we all need to become more friendly towards each others. Thus I am now using every single opportunity to speak with others even if it is to exchange nothing more than an opinion about the current weather situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of approaching women in my current condition of living in a small room with a single bedroom that is not very impressive if some girl would want to see where and how I live. I realise that initial dating can be performed in nature and public places like bars, clubs, restaurants and similar for many weeks before inviting someone home. And it is not so unusual for single people to live in small apartments and then only move to bigger place with a partner that they decide to live together with. I commit myself to when and as I notice an attractive girl and my thoughts are: “Such I shame that I live in a small room with single bed since I will not be able to invite her home immediately and have sex with her in a large bed.” to stop and breathe. I then engage in starting to knowing her since I could find out very quick that we are not a good match and even if we would decide to have sex very soon, she might have a bigger and more comfortable bed at her place or we can do it in a rented hotel room or even in the car, on the floor or anywhere we find it appropriate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be embarrassed about approaching perspective partners since I live on a social support money and can not afford at this time to pay for some expensive dinners or gifts. I realise that dating does not need to be expensive and that others are able to understand that people some times find themselves in between careers. I commit myself to when and as I want to date someone and my mind goes like: “This is a total no go since it will cost a lot of money that I currently do not have.” to stop and breathe. I then start dating, explain my current situation, my past and my future plans and see how it goes.  

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Relationship Experimentation from the Life Review series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 149: How I experience myself towards woman

It came up with discussion with my Desteni I Process course buddy that it would be beneficial for me to write about how I experience myself towards man and towards woman. I started to write this post with intention to focus only on my experiences towards men first but then I noticed that I am actually writing how I experience myself as a man towards woman. So I will be writing about men in the following post.

Starting with my school memories I definitely felt like an outsider, someone who does not fit in and does not understand why others behave like they do. That is because firstly by father did not allow me to socialise, go out and mingle in the evenings and weekends due to fear that I will be bullied the same way like he was by his classmates. And than by father was also an example of individualistic person who was not able to work in a team due to his own low self-esteem and the need to prove himself, constantly craving for attention of others. The third factor was how I was treated as the first born son who was expected to be serious, responsible, intelligent and an example to my younger brother. Additional influence was the fact that my father started our family business where I was constantly pushed to work very hard and for long hours.

So until age of 24 my life has been so occupied with activities and directed by my father that I basically did not have any time to think about who I am, who I have become and to develop any ambition for my personal life as a man. Basically it did not matter that I was a male since all what counted in my life is how I perform as the oldest child and employe. In a way, my role towards my father was more like a pet. I was to listen and obey the orders and get treats and if not, I was punished. It was by pure coincidence that I met my first girlfriend during a visit of our business partner. What connected us was the fact that we were in a very similar position as the oldest child in the family and facing the same terror by our fathers who run the family business. It was basically a coalition to join forces in the fight for our freedom and human right. The problem was that I was conditioned so much that I lacked the strong many character that she needed and she was also emotionally damaged to the level where she was played by her father like a piano.

After my first girlfriend left me, I started to research human psychology and that pulled me into another rabbit hole of discovering the grater picture of existence. My self-definition as a man was then also put under question after I discovered that in my previous life I was a female. Understanding that I play only a temporary role as a men in this life influenced me in questioning how much I should identify myself with a male character since I am a living being beyond the two human sexes. I learned that sexes exist also on the level of primary beings that emerged from the planets. However some beings came into existence in a synthetic manner and I have not yet ordered my Sound Symbol & Beingness Signature Drawings in order to find out how I came into existence. The point is that despite of finding myself in my male human physical body, I did never put much attention into fitting any general definition of a male and presenting myself towards other as a male. My relationship towards other is more like towards fellow sexless children of god.

Of course I do experience sexual needs and like to have sex with women, however my primary life mission is not focused on finding a wife and having children. I enjoy being alone and when I am not in a relationship with a woman, I use masturbation purely as a tool to satisfy my sexual needs to the level where they do not distract my attention form passionately progressing towards discovering all the secrets of life and existence. I did made myself available by creating profiles on many online and mobile dating web sites and I do respond to any request in timely manner. And I also do searches and send messages to the profiles I like. However I just recently restated with more active online dating activities after about 3 years of being single again. I definitely learned many things from my past relationships and I have changed and raised my criteria and minimal standards about the women that I am willing to start dating. I am not interested anymore in emotional drama and until some girl who is willing and capable to walk a relationship with me as one end equal contacts me, I prefer staying single.

Currently I am also developing new business plan for myself that will hopefully provide me with a stable income. Well I learned that things in business do change faster than ever so I do not expect any business to be stable for ever, but at least I want to develop some business to a level where I will be able to pay of my debt and have my monthly expenses more than covered. This is also why I am currently not willing to spend more time to date in terms of also physically going out or approaching females that I meet in person. Being now age of 43 I find myself in a bit strange relationship position. This is because most of women my age already are in a relationship or are separated and have their own children. I know that children demand a lot of attention and that there is a totally different relationship dynamic when dating a woman with a child, especially if their ex is still alive and is paying visits to his ex female partner and their children. And for the single girls of my age it is so that they mostly look exhausted and old, their ability to safely birth children is running out and they have set their ways. Considering that my partner will have a lot to catching up to do and that I do want my own kinds without any additional baggage, I will obviously have to get a much younger girl which is also a challenge of its own since not many are looking to date much older guy.

I see having enough money as a basis to fulfil my dating and relationship plans regardless what kind of woman I will hook up with. However on the other hand I also do not feel the rush of making money because I enjoy living current comfortable life where my basic needs are met and I feel free and without any much stress, able to learn and discover new things. Being single has also its own benefits and considering that god is one and that we are all parts of the god, finding us in the illusion of separation, moving back to oneness, I wonder why even bother with creating attachments to any life partner in a human physical body that has a relative short life span. Bottom line is that I am committed to bringing us together so I am not lonely and am free to bond with any individual that I meet. Regardless what life will bring, I know that it is my sole responsibility to feel fulfilled, to forgive myself any illusion of lack and that whatever will happen, I plan to leave this physical existence with as little regret as possible.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-assisting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled The Outsider from the Life Review series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 143: Why do my feet and legs feel cold?

You are reading the 7th consecutive blog post about cold feet or cold legs symptom that I have been experiencing for about last 10 years. For the full context of this process, I invite you to firstly read my previous related blog posts titled (1) The cause for cold legs where I discovered that one of the causes is separating me from myself by creating a constant self-criticism character, (2) Home remedy for cold feet where I walked the first contributing memory of my father painfully punishing me in my early childhood, (3) Solution for perpetually cold feet where I expanded the previous point of blame from perspective of defensive character that I develop in regards to my father punishing met, (4) Why are my legs always freezing cold where I faced the third important memory of being bullied by classmates during the first years of middle school, (5) Cold Feet Symptoms, Causes and Treatments where I went into my memory of not being accepted to middle school of photography and design and (6) Natural Cure for Cold Feet where I walked the timeline of being under pressure while working at my father's family business. In this blog post I will be facing the last event that I feel is relevant to my cold legs symptom which is breakup with my first girlfriend after three years of living together.

In the previous blog post I described how meeting a girlfriend was for me like an exit ticket from the tyranny of my father since at the time where I worked in his family business I was slowly conditioned into workaholism and I was not able to motivate myself enough to move out of the house to my own apartment and start developing independence. However when I met my first girlfriend at 24 years of age, moving to own apartment was much more easier since I did not do it alone. Moving to our own flat gave me also the practical reason to enforce eight-hour workday and a salary since before that I worked from morning to evening, even weekends, and I received no payment so I had to ask my father to buy me what I needed.

So when I started the first serious relationship with a girlfriend, I had a vision how we would be creating independent life and not allow any more to be pressured my any of our fathers. I expected from my girlfriend to watch my back and to deflect all attempts of breaking our unity. However while I was able to stand up for myself, she started to give in and continued to work overtime in each case where her father would demand from her to do so. And not only that, she also became a double agent and functioned as mediator between me and my father. I felt deeply betrayed because of that. Despite of all that, I continued to maintain the relationship with conviction that until at least one of the partners is dedicated to keep the relationship together, it will somehow work out. Those believes shuttered when after three years of living together, my girlfriend left me with explanation that she does not feel safe.

That event produced a devastating blow to me and I felt like I am incompetent partner and not able to be a good provider. After period of deep grievance and mourning, I decided to assure that such defeat will never happen to me again. It was the beginning of my dedicated research of psychology, human relationship and spirituality that has continued to this very day with great benefits for me. Eventually I realised that living alone in my own apartment and working as a freelancer was the necessary change that I definitely needed in order to have time and quiet space for introspection and self-reflection. If my girlfriend and I would have had kids, our lives would be very different and maybe we would eventually also break up which would produce even worse consequences for our children. I think that everyone should live alone and work without being influenced by their parents for several years in order to look at the inherited mind patterns and transform them as many as possible in order not to transfer them to their offspring.

Now is the time to look at these described events and take back my power by applying self-forgiveness for the points where I abdicated self-responsibility and created character of victim:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe that I myself as a single person do not have enough will to find my own apartment and demand a salary from my father in order to start developing my independence while I was working for him. I realise that I am the only one who is needed to change current situation in my life and that I do not need to be in any kind of relationship with some other person who would act as additional motivation. When and as I feel that I am not comfortable with how situation in my life is and my mind is creating thoughts like: “Now is not the right time for change, best to wait until you meet some other person that will assist you in making the change together!” to stop and breathe. I then take full control of my life and do the necessary change with awareness that I am the only one that I am waiting for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to have specific expectations about the person that I am in relationship with and holding on to relationship with hopes that other person will eventually change and align with our agreement. I realise that some humans have deeply rooted mind patterns and that it takes years to transform them and that some do not want to change even if supported with great effort. I commit myself to when and as I engage in a relationship to clearly express my expectations and minimum standards of behaviour and to set a deadline about how long I am willing to tolerate deviations. If the other person does not respect our agreement, is consistently and for significant period of time breaking the agreement, I commit to end the relationship and move on. I realise that my integrity comes first and I am not allowing anyone to compromise my core principles and life vision. There are a lot of people in this world and best to find someone who is aligned with me to satisfactorily level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to feel betrayed and sad if after a specific period of time I separate with a person that I have been in relationship with. I realise that I will be in life meeting many people and I will create with them certain relationship that will last as long as I need to realise some points and learn something and then we will go our separate ways in order to meet new people that will assist us to gain additional realisations. I commit myself to when and as I break up with someone and my mind produces thoughts as: “You are a bad and incompetent person and you have screwed up a precious relationship and you should be ashamed about that!“ to stop and breathe. I then fully accept the situation with realisation that coming together and breaking up is a perfectly normal part of life and that eventually death will part us from everything and everyone in this physical existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe that physical intimacy is something essential for my physical body and that I absolutely need some sex partner in form of another human being. I realise that my physical body is constantly touching something like the ground, the chair, the bed, and primarily the clothes that I wear. Then instead of looking for someone to be gentle and to caress my body, I can give such sensations already to myself in form of Abhyanga full body massage with warm oil or go to a massage to some professional. Also if I feel that my body needs to move or stretch itself, I can do some yoga asanas, go dancing, hiking, visit a gym or masturbate. When and as I sense that my body is craving for some physical sensation, and my mind is saying to me: “You need some girlfriend that will hug you, have sex with you and perform different sport and social activities with you!“ to stop and breathe. I then see what king of intimacies and activities I have projected onto someone outside of myself and rather look how I am totally able to satisfy those needs by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to walk the process of self-transformation for many more years in order to clear additional mind pattern before I decide to have children. I realise that there are many layers of mind patterns within each of us and that one lifetime will probably not be enough to clear them all. I commit myself to when and as I contemplate about having children and my mind is telling me: “You are still full of shit so best not to have any children since you will transfer all you current limited believes to them and thus you become a criminal!“ to stop and breathe. I then in case of me meeting a proper partner to have kids with to be open to create my own family since children are also a cool support and assistance as they mirror your own patterns and thus enable quantification of the process effectively.  

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-assisting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Long-term Melancholy after Relationship Breakup from the Life Review series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 108: Relationship addiction

In relation to listening of What is Sex audios and Bernard Poolman's death based on a heart attack, I became more aware of sexual anergy connections and associations that I created in regards to sex, energy of orgasm and relationships. Also the interviews of death experiences enabled me to understand the process of dying from a new perspective where the extensive influence of the mind or mind-consciousness system is exposed. That created additional motivation to change my habits, especially in regards to masturbation and watching porn.

What I have noticed was that I in a way enjoy being single and master of my time, having peace and silence whenever I want, however a part of me desires to be in a relationship with a woman of specific characteristics, not only for sex, but also as a business associate. I understand this desire is mostly the product of influence from society and my parents who want me to be in relationship, get married and have kids. However many successful people are single since having a steady partner is too much of obligation and time-consuming situation.

In spite of being satisfied with me as being a single person, I occasionally find myself fantasizing to engage in sex or relationship with some young, beautiful woman. This fantasies can be triggered simply by looking at some picture of random FaceBook profile or watching some movie trailer or even meeting some person in flesh. I then imagine myself being with this person and start thinking about how to contact this person in order to find out if she would be a proper partner for me.

Within this thinking I evaluate all the characteristics of the person, like if they smoke and drink, if they are intelligent and educated, if I would like the tone of their voice and smell of their skin and also if they would be willing to start a process of self-honesty and collaborate in business projects with me. I then very quickly conclude that it is a very small chance that some person on the photo would be fully qualified in regards to all that demands and that it would probably be waste of time trying to contact them and research their personality.

However sometimes I would stumble on some photo of a woman that I would find especially attractive, and I don't mean in terms of just being pretty like a photo model or a beauty queen, but there would be a certain face characteristics of a person that I interpret like being very open and relaxed person, exactly the personality type that I always desired. I would then research the profile of the person for example discover that this person is already in relationship or married or even has kids. This realization would trigger a great disappointment and sorrow, that sometimes accumulates into a hearth arrhythmia or a small heart attack.

When I experience this kind of heart problem, I have to immediately bring myself back here, focus on my breathing and stop daydreaming. So this is definitely a proof that mind creates nothing but troubles and can even create a massive heart attack that results in death. This can especially manifest during sex when, as I learned from the inter-dimensional audios, heart literally stops every time when the orgasm is experienced. I will have to become more careful about participating in the mind before it is to late and the mind would destroy my physical body beyond repair.

Day 49: Social experiments

For the past couple of days I have been watching YouTube movies of some guys and group of guys who shoot movies like candid camera doing unexpected things to people and recording their responses. Some of them are also intended to teach what are effective and ineffective ways of picking up girls. This made me question myself what to do now after I split with my last girlfriend.

My past life was focused on doing things for the school, for the business, and I never really experienced a typical phase of intense dating and having sexual experiences with different women. I have been intimate with several women but those were like random events and mostly not consciously initiated from my side. I dated mostly girls that were ok, but none of them was not so attractive as some that I have observed in my life but was too scared to talk to.

I am now pushing me to overcome this fear of talking to girls I like by learning some effective approaches that some guys from YouTube demonstrated. It is all about being hones, confident and expressing power. The looks are not so much important as persistance and not showing any fear. Today I went on the streets for the first time and initiated conversation with different people. I did not stumble upon any very attractive girls due to some rainy storms however I created a friendship with five people that I never met before. I will continue experimenting tomorrow.

2010 - Feeling better, processing posts, feedbacks, choosing celibacy

Today is the third day of suffering vertigo and the condition has improved significantly. Yesterday I spent most of the day lying on the sofa, resting and watching vlogs, blogs and one interesting, almost 2 hours long video lecture Capitalism Hits the Fan from professor of economics Richard D. Wolff, who shared his perspective about true reason behind current economic collapse in the USA. Then at about 5pm my some close relative asked me if I could do some designs for his clients at his place. He lives just 5 minutes walk away, but since my vertigo was too strong, he then picked me up with his car. I worked there until 9pm and then he drove me back. After that I spent reading blogs, forums, watching vlogs and chatting until 3am. By yesterday evening my vertigo diminished for about 40% and I got stable enough not to get nausea anymore. Today the vertigo has gone for about 80%, but I feel still too dizzy to go out and visit potential clients for my design services. So I decided to stay home, write this blog, watch some others blogs and vlogs and in the afternoon, when some close relative returns home, I got again some design work to do at his place.

Now about my previous two blogs, wherein I described my second experience with the new girl, I got two feedbacks. The first one was the SMS from the girl itself, who asked me if I got any better and she expressed her hope that I would be able to find some girlfriend that would suit my needs. Her message indicated that she read my blog, so this came quite as surprise, since I did not expect her to follow my posts. I was considering to send her the link to my blog, but since her level of understanding english is suppose to be poor, I estimated that she would not to be able to understand it that she would even get offended by sharing my experience with her publcly. But as I see, she did not only read it, but also understood and accepted it very well. We exchanged some more SMS messages afterwards and she expressed her remorse since her language skills and current life situation do not enable her to be kind of agreement like I would want to. However we spent great time together, and that is what counts the most.

The second feedback came from some Desteni Slovenia member, who experienced my writing as praising myself and trying others to feel envy. She instructed me to immediately do self-forgiveness on these points. We had online chat, and I explained her, that if she experienced any emotional reactions while reading my post, it is up to her to self-forgive any thoughts, feelings and emotions. From my point of view, she is still reacting very much from the point of preaching, criticizing, blaming and projecting her own energetic movements on to others. I noticed many of her FaceBook comments, when she would argue with others about Desteni message, and she would very soon loose her temper and use the expression like: "Face this or die!". While most of Desteni members know what this expression is about, I do not recommend to use it in the first chat with others, since they would understand it simply as life threat, and this is not the way the chat should be experienced, if you want to stand as one end equal with the person who you chat with.

I have been involved in lots of online chats lately and I realized that I have to be very patient and become one with the person in order to explain what process I am currently in and to invite one to join standing up as life. It takes a lot of time, and whenever I was in a hurry, I would just start criticizing and driving the person away. And this is certainly not the effect that I wanted to achieve. Desteni is not about mind knowledge, one needs to get true realization and properly defuse pretty much every emotional reaction first in order to be proper support for others. This is why I also hold myself back and try not to comment much at this time, since I see, that I have quite some issues to deal with myself. So I am currently focusing on watching blogs and vlogs of others and writing myself to freedom in order to become able leading constructive conversation.

So far I have dedicated myself to watch all the Desteni and Subscription Forum new videos, I am up to date with all Subscription Forum topics and with Equal Money Forum Introduce Yourself section topics. I have subscribed to all most active Desteni members blogs on Blogger, have read and commented all recent posts, and I am reading and commenting all new ones. Yesterday I have found a way to also add blogs of Desteni members form WordPress and Multiply platforms to my Google Reader application, so now there is already another 117 blog posts for me to read, which I will focus on slowly in the following days. Then I have a plan to read all the post on the Equal Money Forum, and then also to be more active in the Desteni Open Forum, at least in the Introduce Yourself section. And of course, I have started to blog more often, and I will also continue with vlogging.

Regarding my recent dating activities, I experienced it as something very time and also quite money consuming, and this is not really what I want. While holding hands, kissing, hugging and having sex is very nice, I consider all this just I waste of time, since everything in the world is falling apart, and if I do not focus now on contributing to solutions, I am allowing this agony to continue, until it would eventually also hit me very hard. So no time for distraction with relationships, and I have decided not only to continue with stopping masturbation, but even to have a celibacy, so no sex at all until this mess in the whole world is sorted out properly.

.