Day 185: Visiting native part of my country

Several days ago I visited part of our Slovenia country where I lived before for many years and where most of my closest relatives live. I am not sure how many years ago I was there last time but I guess it must be around 10 years. My brother lives there with his wife and two daughters that have recently completed primary education and my father lives there with my stepmother. I have not communicated with my brother and his family due to resentment from his side and his character of constantly hurrying and presenting himself as not having enough time. I did meet my father several times when he came to my current town for his work purposes and we are in touch several times per month via Skype when he wants me to do some graphic design, pre-press and photo/video editing for him. I have been wondering when and for what reason to visit that part of the country again, do I actually have any homesickness at all or am I simply able to make myself feel at home wherever I currently live.

A couple of weeks ago I started to engage in online dating again. In that process, I also connected with a 41 years old girl who has a 10 years old son. I liked the picture of her face and her description except for the fact that she was a smoker. We started to have a text chat via Facebook, then a couple of long phone calls, a Skype video call and we connected very well. She is in the process of divorcing her controlling and abusive husband and wanted to move to her own apartment that she wants to buy. She wants to move out of her current apartment, owned by her husband and to buy her own apartment. However, she wants to stay in the same area so that her son can continue visiting the same primary school. She even asked me if I want to have my own children since her desire was to in the next year or two to experience having another child. I definitely imagined myself being a father and how I would move back to my native area of the country. So we set a date when I was to visit her.

I called my father a day before the planned visit if he knows where I can spend two nights in his areas since I will be visiting a girl that works for full days and she is off every second day so that we can be together for two whole days before I return back home. I was surprised to hear from him that she is just back from the hospital where he spent 3 days in a come. I wondered why no one from my relatives calls me and informed me about that. However, my father said that it is just fine if I can spend the nights on the couch at his basement workshop. That was just fine with me and I was looking forward to meeting him and my stepmother after a very long time. I called the girl that I was dating that I will be arriving the next day however I will be firstly checking my father due to his medical emergency.

It was a Sunday morning at 5:30 a.m. when I woke up and start preparing myself for departure at 1.5 hours later. I already prepared most of the things that I expected to need in the next 3 days however I managed to actually depart only at 7:30 a.m. due to the decision to pack some more things. It was very foggy weather and it took me about 2 hours with my car to arrive at the destination. I was firstly greeted by my stepmother and then I went to spoke to my father who was still very weak and rested in his bed. I find out that he was not actually in a complete come during his stay at the hospital but just very sick so he slept most of the time. He and my stepmother got ill at the same time however she got well quite fast while his condiction became worse. So much that he collapses on the floor when he wanted to return from the bathroom and she called my brother who then called a doctor and he then ordered an ambulance. There was even a danger of my father dying if he would not be assisted in a timely manner.

After a lunch that my stepmother prepared it was time to meet with my date. She gave me the address of where to pick her up. When I met her face looked much more exhausting than I expected and her handshake was very week. She just received a period and complained about the headache. Despite this, we decided to go for a walk around the Bled lake that takes about 2 hours to complete. She started to explain the problems in the relationship with his husband and how she got addicted to smoking and pain-killers, how her eyesight deteriorated, how she has a problem with her stomach and minor problems with her lungs. She has been looking for a place to move for over 6 months with no success and she also wants to change jobs since her current boss is also very abusive. During the walk around the lake, we also had a drink at a restaurant in the middle and had a byte at a pizzeria when we completed the full circle.

Considering that she is not even divorced completely and her emotional state I suggested her to first take care of her affairs, to move to her own apartment, find a better job and to improve her emotional end physical health. I did not consider appropriate to continue dating her since also due to distance this would represent too much stress for myself. And my current situation is also such that I am developing my new business services and have to invest a lot of my time and energy in that. So I took her back to her place with my car and we decided to only be friends for now. After I arrived at my father's place I also send her a link to free online DIP Lite course so that she can assist supporting herself with the help of experienced live buddies. And I decided to not wait for one day and to meet her for another day when she will be off work since the connection was not like I wished for.

The next day I had breakfast with my stepmother. After that, I went to visit my father's colleague that he wanted to meet him since he supposedly needed my photography and graphic design services. I already called him the day before to schedule the hour of my arrival. When I got there he took me through all of his woodwork workshops and then he showed me his extensive collection of antiques since he is in a final stage to open a private museum. We then went to his kitchen and had a very long talk. He showed me the photos that he took of his collection and what for of a folded pamphlet would he like. However, it turned out that he actually did not need my services and he already talked to a nearby printer to finalize the pamphlet for him. My father also made some models of what was his suggestion for the pamphlet however he did it in his usual intrusive and his colleague did not like that at all.

After that, I also visited my brother despite the suggestion of my father to leave him alone since he is very busy with his work and is in conflict with his neighbor. When I arrived at his workshop I gave him a call and asked him if now is the appropriate time for me to meet him. He opened the door and we had a chat while he was still doing some work on his computer and digital printing machines. Very soon he started to express his resentment for me moving out of the house without consulting him about that and how he felt left behind. And then how he resented me for telling his wife that I have doubts two of them being compatible. I also shared my perspective about that which was very different from how he experience past events. During the conversation with him, I found it very odd that my body has been shivering and I was not able to stop it despite my conscious effort to have a relaxed and equal talk with my brother as equals. After about an hour of talking, he said that he must take his younger daughter to a nearby city and buy something at a mall and that he will call me when we return for us to continue the conversations.

So I went to my father's place to pack my things. He asked me if his young co-worker that purchased a Bled Castle Mediaeval Printshop from him can go with me since he has to fetch his repaired van from a mechanic near the city where I live. I agreed and was looking forward to exchanging recent experiences with him during the trip. Then my brother called me and I went back to his place to continue the chat. He expressed concerns about what my desires would be in regards to inheritance in case if our father dies and that he is interested in keeping our father's apartment for his older daughter. And it was also not clear what will happen with or father's home museum of print and paper. However, we did not have the time to come to any agreement about that since it was already time for me to depart.

During the trip back to my current home area that took two hours I had a long conversation with my father's young co-worker. What I found out was that he had no interest in taking over my father's museum and that he might only be interested to buy the handmade paper production tools from him. What he suggested was to keep the museum as it is so that groups of people can come to see it and that my father already proved that there is no interest from any individual or organization to relocate it to a more proper place. And we also talked about our private lives during the drive in the dark and foggy weather. After I have dropped him at his mechanic, we had a one-hour talk with the mechanic and his wife since they were good friends of my father and I visited them for the first time. Finally, I continued the trip to my home an hour before midnight.

What I concluded is that my brother has established his business well in these past years and he does not need to worry about the orders and negotiate the prices anymore. His daughters are becoming independent and he is looking at how to invest his profits and available time so that closest family members will have most of the future interests met. So I plan to continue the conversation with him and then see what kind of agreement we will able to establish for ourselves.

Related suggested Eqafe education audios:
Emotional Relationships
The Dependence of Independency
A Martyr for my Brother
Life Review of a Dependent Personality
When Your Old Life Holds You Back
Despite My Best Intentions

Day 181: How my curiosity became superiority

I grew up in quite a supportive family environment where I was able to develop many physical and intellectual skills. My parents assured a pretty balanced life for me and my brother since we spent a lot of time hiking in nature, however, we also got to use a lot of different toys and the latest electronic devices. I enjoyed learning, discovering new things and experimenting. There were also some limiting factors of my over-protective father who was not skilled at showing emotions and had was not enough skilled in verbal communication. So instead of patiently verbalizing his thoughts, he used physical force to punish me and my brother if we did not obey him or produced some damage. That, of course, imprinted as traumatic experiences and resulted in resentment towards him. However, if I compare my childhood experiences with my classmates, they were much better than the experiences of others.

I see that my father tried to be the best parent that he could and was a very capable provider in terms of physical assets. He made a lot of innovations and has strived to excel at everything that he decided to be involved in. And everything that he provided for me I took for granted. He was proud of himself and also proud of my achievements. I can relate to Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory in terms of how nerdy and unsocialized I was. Not really to the extent as in the TV series, but somewhat similar. I stood out in middle school because my father provided me with the best study accessories and even making a custom wooden suitcase to transport them. And I was so nerdy that I stayed in the computer classroom many hours after the class ended.

It is well known that children are naturally curious and they especially in the first 7 years learn things very fast. I see that my father provided me with an environment where I was able to expand myself to a great level. However, what I lacked was a balanced development of some other skills since I was not encouraged very much in the fields of arts, music, and social skills. I was not so much raised for the purpose of someday starting to function as an independent part of society and to treat everyone as equal. The priority was mostly about becoming superior to others so that my father could be proud of me. Or better to say so that he could be proud of himself by treating me and my achievements as the result of his contribution.

Thus being used to be praised by my father and his friends, I could not understand why my classmates did not treat me in the same way. Instead, ob receiving appraisals, they expressed their envy, hate and bullied me. I am only now starting to comprehend that it was because I actually did not care much for anyone else but for myself and about how to impress my father. Since my motivation was only to be superior to others, I also judged and criticized others in order to make them superior to myself. I have been very self-centered and evil to others. And even now, after all these years, I still have to make a great effort not to communicate with others from the point of superiority.

Striving towards perfection is still something that drives me to this day. I am attracted to discovering all the secrets of existence. Oddly creating a family or a stable income was not part of that perfection equation. I am justifying that by defining myself as me being the whole of existence and others being are part of me thus all are my children, brothers, and sisters. And no matter how much money and possession I got and how I make my living it does not matter since we are all one. However, that conscious definition does not yet reflect in my practical life. Since every time I have a tendency to impress others, to show my superiority and not to treat them as equal, I fail to apply the realization of oneness and equality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to limit my curiosity to mostly those things that I can use to impress others, especially my father. I realize that doing things just to get attention and approval of others is conditioning myself to be in constant fear of others not liking what I research and do. I commit myself to when and as I stumble of some new information and my mind produces thoughts like: “You should research this because it will make you smarter in the eyes of others!” to stop and breathe. I then rather consider how many personal resources studying the information will take and to what extent I would by sharing such information be able to assist others without any self-interest.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel good and superior when and as I share any information with others. I realize that such positive feelings are the result of my internal conflict when and as I define myself and information that I possess as superior and others as inferior to me. I commit myself to when and as I am communicating with someone and my mind is producing thoughts like: “You should share some very special information that they do not know yet about!” to stop and breathe. Instead of that I rather understand the context of the conversation, state of the mind of the people that I am communicating at that moment and then share information that actually is beneficial to at least someone of them while staying emotionally stable.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to when communicating with others to use advanced vocabulary and use the voice tonality of a superiority character. I realize that even with just using words that others can not completely understand and by using a specific tone, that I still communicate from a point of superiority and thus am creating resistance within others. I commit myself to when and as I communicate with others and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Use some very complex word and speak it with utmost self-confidence!” to stop and breathe. I then rather become one and equal with the ones I communicate with, use only the words that I am sure that they understand and keep a humble tone of voice.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to when wanting to solve some situation with someone to be bossy and to tell them what they should do. I realize that by just explaining my problems and demanding solutions I am creating resistance within others. I commit myself to when and as I have a situation to solve and my mind is producing thought like: “Just share your point of view and tell others what you see as the best solution that you see!” to stop and breathe. I then rather share my concerns, ask as many questions to understand the perspectives the best way possible and then support the solution that would be in the best interest of all.

Recommended online course and related audios:
Desteni I Process
The Elitist Mind
The Cure for Curiosity
Thirst for Knowledge
What I Thought Was Important
Great Expectations
Learning to Play Again
Facing yourself in the Face of Arguments
Redefining Humble & Considerate
Superiority of Ego vs. Superior Living of Self

Day 168: Transforming my masturbation patterns

It has been around 5 years since the breakup with my last girlfriend. Similar to my first relationship, the last one also laster around 3 years. In both relationships, the sex was great and I would not mind being again in a committed sexual relationship. However, due to my upbringing, my life priorities were elsewhere and being in a relationship and creating my family was far from my main life objective. I am functioning as a pretty independent person and have learned to satisfy my sexual needs by applying masturbation. It is in many ways more practical and safe than engaging in sex with another person. Initially, I have been masturbating only by using touch, then I have been doing it by listening to certain songs, porn magazines and eventually I also started to watch pornographic movies. I learned that using porn can create certain addictions and I have been careful not to become addicted. However recently I have been observing myself and noticed some indications that addiction could be developing so I am going to within this blog post look deeper into this matter.

Regarding masturbation, many people are ashamed of it, do not like to talk about it and some have even accepted a belief system that defines it as something bad. One of my friends told me how the nursery where her parents were leaving her when she was a preschool child has been run by the Christian nuns. They forced children to sleep in a position where their hands had to be on top of the blanket in order to prevent touching any dirty part of the body. And she hated this experience a lot. Defining part of your body as dirty is definitely a point of separation that can develop even into sexual obsessions, fears, constrictions or fetishes in adult years. Sexuality is something natural and despite the addictive quality of sexual orgasmic energy, it can be managed responsibly and practiced in moderation. Such has also been my intent and I so far always applied a directive principle in my sexual practices in order not to harm myself or others.

The same way goes with using pornographic materials. Especially porn videos and now the virtual and augmented reality of the porn industry is something that is used on a daily basis by most of the people of both sexes. The danger here is that many people who masturbate by watching porn can develop an obsession where they can no longer control themselves and thus start to rape others. Also by watching porn users often escalate their preference into more and more violent and exotic sexual scenes. In regard to that, I am satisfied with the fact that my porn preferences remain all these years the same and that I enjoy mostly the scenes where a man and a girl engage in normal sex and where the girl is enjoying herself. I have also satisfied myself only by watching short free porn clips and I never desired to watch long porn movies where I would have to pay some kind of subscription in order to access it. It also assisted me that several years ago I have been for two years taking Kriya Tantra classes where we learned how to direct sexual energy.

All these years I have been careful about being able to achieve orgasm regardless of masturbating using porn or without it. And I especially have paid attention to climax without using any kind of imagination. There are different opinions about the level of consent when masturbating while watching porn movies. And there are different opinions about whether something that you do in the imagination of your mind is an actual act or not since it does not influence physical reality directly and immediately. However, I have learned to understand that also what one does in their secret minds it an act after all and it creates certain kind of consequences. It is clear that if you engage in sexual intercourse with someone in the flesh it is considered rape and punishable by law. Imagining to have sex with someone in your mind without their consent can then also be interpreted as a form of rape. Because the individual that you had sex within your mind did not give you consent for that action despite you imagining that they have willingly fucked you. This is also why I avoid masturbating while imagining that I am having sex with someone that I know in real life.

At porn, the existence of consent is a bit more tricky to define. Because porn stars mostly are aware that people who watch pornographic movies will use them to masturbate while imagining that they are one of the actors in the porn movie. Plus porn performers are also being financially compensated for their work. This is why also I have been occasionally masturbating while watching the porn clips. What is specific about me is that I am a visual guy who professionally worked in graphic design, professional photography and video production for many years. I like watching movies in general and thus porn movies for me were just another kind of visual art that I allow myself to enjoy occasionally. However, I am aware that similar to any other industry, also in the porn industry, there is a lot of abuse. I learned how millions of children are being kidnapped every single year and many are forced into sex slavery. However, it is not only the porn industry that is responsible for all the sexual abuse since even in homes and churches there is a lot of rape. Not only that, there are large cults and pedophile rings who even eat bodies of the babies.

The biggest problem with the porn and imagination is that creates separation and reduces the awareness that all actions in this physical reality have consequences. When you are while watching porn pretending that you are the person in the movie or if you are in your imagination pretending to have sex with someone in such cases there is no direct and immediate notable consequence. In your own mind, everyone is their own god and able to do all kind of things without percieved outflow of events in the physical. So there is a danger that after frequent execution of an act in your mind you might start thinking that there will also be no consequences if you execute the same act in the real world. Such thought can obsess and possess you and drive you into forceful and harmful acts like rape in the context of sexuality. One also starts to lose the ability to distinguish between the picture and the actual physical object. Such danger basically exists when using any kind of simulation from digital screens to computers or even photos and paintings. Many are no longer able to separate actual reality and picture representation of reality. This is actually the reason for all kind of abuse in this world where we can no longer relate to others and thus do not treat them as equals.

Now after I have been observing myself how I sexually respond to the proximity of young females I noticed that responses have not been as I would want them to be. What became noticeable was more immediate and frequent arousal and sexual thoughts about young females. This could be a consequence of me using porn to masturbate more frequently in the recent times than before. My flatmate that used to be around more in the past has been for most of the days out of the apartment for even several weeks in the row. Meeting and chatting with her on a daily basis and even hugging occasionally has been a presence of female energy that has been very beneficial for me in the past. However now I hardly ever see or talk to her and even short chats with her have become much more distant since she is being in a very different mindset than in the past. It has been 5 years since I had a regular sexual partner and after that, I only had sexual intercourse once with another female. I don't know about others but I am not inclined to one-night stands. Never have I went out to clubs with the intent of a hookup and to get laid. My parents did not allow me to be out late at night while I was a minor and after that, I was so consumed with working in our family business that I practically did not have the time or will to visit bars. Also, I do not want to hook up with a girl that drinks or smokes so it is more practical for me to connect with them at dating websites where I can filter out girls that have unacceptable habits.

At the current age of 45 I am thinking about should I even search for a new life partner and create a family of my own or would it fit me best to remain single. I am enjoying a drama-free life so very much that I hardly can imagine how it would look like to be in a relationship again. I am constantly doing something like learning, researching, transforming and sharing self and developing projects. My current goal is to create an educational organization that will offer support to teachers, parents, and children in a wide way. So despite currently not actively looking for a life partner, I plan to sooner or later be surrounded with many co-workers and children of different ages. So the short-term goal is to now firstly develop the organization, provide the funds, and then only will also my personal financial situation be more appropriate to engage in a new life partnership. What is important for me is to be satisfied with who I am, to take good care of my physical body and my property, expand myself, and develop projects that have the power to make the situation on this world better for as many living beings as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to masturbate while watching porn and imagining that I am having sex with the girl in the video. I realize that whenever I engage in masturbation while using porn for faster and easier climax, I condition myself more and more and deepen dependency of experiencing orgasm to watching porn. This can eventually develop in my inability to masturbate and climax without watching porn which is definitely an addiction that I do not want to have. Thus I commit myself to when and as I desire to masturbate and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Just turn on the porn for additional enjoyment of pleasuring also your eyes since it has been produced with full consent and financial compensation for all the actors exactly for such kind of entertainment.” to stop an breath. I then rather challenge myself to watch porn by paying attention that nothing inside me moves and thus strengthen the ability to distinguish what is real as the physical and what is a picture-representation. Or I engage in masturbation without observing any sexual product or using imagination. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I imagine is not real and whatever I do in my imagination has no consequence. I realize that while there is no direct and immediate consequence outflow of actions in human minds, they are actions after all and they did influence me in terms of easier and quicker experience of orgasm and ejaculation which is a tangible physical consequence. Thus I commit myself to when and as I feel the urge to release my sexual energy and my mind produces thoughts like: “You are free to use imagination as the tool to achieve orgasm much more effectively since it is totally safe to use it and has no negative consequences on you or others.” to stop and breathe. I then within the awareness of the actual consequence of using imagination engage in only pure physical sexual intercourse with myself or other people. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret involvement of actors in the porn movies like they have given me full consent to masturbate and imagine that I am the guy in the movie who is fucking them or even making them pregnant. I realize that while usually, porn actors have given consent for their sex acts to be recorded for public screenings and they have been financially compensated, the porn out there could violate their agreement. I learned that most porn actors are being paid very little, some have been forced to act in one way or another and a lot of pornographic videos on the web is being pirated thus the actors have not been compensated fairly for their work. And despite the existence of some awareness that people will watch their porn movies during masturbation and that some porn stars are even flattered by that, most actors did not give direct consent to in the imagination engage in sexual intercourse with them. Besides that, they probably would not be happy with any viewer to execute their imagination in the real world and have sex with them without their direct and specific consent. Thus I commit myself to when and as I would like a sexual experience and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Just watch some porn end imagine how you are the one who is fucking the brains out of that beautiful teen since she has given you full consent to do that.” to stop and breathe. I then avoid using any kind of imagination regardless of using porn or not and engage in sexual intercourse only with people who gave me specific consent for that. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive as that masturbation is something that I can engage in at any time and as frequently as I desire to since it is something natural and will not negatively influence my relationships with others. I realize that while masturbation is something completely normal it does result in an energetic experience which has addictive qualities like all energies in general. I admit that I have been using masturbation lately much more often due to feeling bored and wanted to distract my mind and entertain myself. The fact is that overusing any kind of distraction in form of positive energetic experience as an escape from heavy negative energetic feeling is compromising. Thus I commit myself to when and as I am low and my mind is producing thought like: “Just lift yourself up by immediately engaging in pleasures of masturbation.” to stop and breathe. I then rather rest or take a break in form of physical exercise or walking. And in case of there is something deep that is bothering me to use speaking and writing to discover and remediate the root cause of it. But of course, I also allow myself to masturbate or have sex with someone from time to time in form of my pure physical expression without using any kind of imagination.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within the DIP Lite free online course and the following previous blog posts of mine that are related to porn:

Day 43: Masturbation research (13 May 2013)
Day 108: Relationship addiction (16 August 2013)
Day 110: Overcoming addiction to sex energy (24 August 2014)

And I invite you to listen to educational audios from Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence. Here are links to videos and audios that are relevant to this blog post:

The Effect of Porn on New Relationships (Video - Part 1)
Facing the Fear of Porn Addiction (Video - Part 2)
Addiction Energy & Memories (Audio - Reptilians)
Addiction and Change (Audio - Quantum Mind)
Shocking Secrets of Masturbation Series (31 audios)
Relationship Success Support Series (126 audios)
What is Sex Series (37 audios)

Day 166: Developing own vs joining other projects

Several weeks ago I reached out to an old friend since I noticed that he was now in the top management position of an organization that I have been following or several years now. I wanted to make a friendly connection and offer my assistance and useful information for their project however communication did not flow as nice as I imagined. After several emails, things became increasingly emotional, then they calmed down and I started to realize that I did not approach the communication from such point of equality as I perceived myself to do. I then talked to my neighbors about that and took general responsibility for my involvement, however, I still felt that I need to go more in-depth using writing in order to take back full responsibility for my actions and non-actions in regards to that matter.

So recently I have checked the website of an organization with a project that has a lot of similarities to the project that I am currently developing. I remember wanting to connect with that organization several years ago when I have been distributing a product which could be very useful to integrate into their workflow and would result in great benefits for their clients and economy. At that time it was some other person that I communicated to and was the founder of their organization. My first approach attempt was via phone but they said that they were busy with preparation for some deadline. I am not sure if I attempted to contact them after they reached the deadline, however, I do have notes of visiting them two years later when they exhibited their project. I spoke personally to the founder and have sent them an email the next day, however, to this day I did not receive any reply. After that, I moved to another city, worked on other kinds of projects and did not follow them for the last 3 years.

Now, when I visited their website again, I have been impressed by how far they have developed their project and what especially caught my attention was that my old friend was part of their management. We both have been peers at an education program where we learned many personal and business management skills. I started to contemplate if I should rather join them and assist in developing their project than developing my own from the scratch. I checked the description of their project in detail and noticed some facts that are not aligned with what I stand for. When I sent the first email to my old friend it was supposed to be short and neutral however I see that it already included comparison and some criticism. So instead of actually checking how my old friend has been these years and inviting him to a personal meeting, I already had reservation about that.

When I read his reply I reacted to his suggestion that if I wanted to join I would have to go through a specific training and that they include approaches beyond what is described on their website. So he too had his reservations due to their previous experiences. He was willing to meet with me but only until a specific date since after that he plans to be away for some time. I realize that I reacted with envy to their current expansion, his absence and their systematic approach that required an investment of my time and money. My next email reply thus reflected my emotions since I included additional criticism and extended information where I wanted to express my doubts about joining them. Then he directly expressed his feelings of resistance to my writing and exposed how I am actually not walking the talk. I continued the correspondence by admitting my biases and eventually exposing some of the past experiences that taught me to be careful about joining other projects.

One of the factors that made me create resistance was also an observation that nor the organization founder nor my old friend were active on Facebook. A year ago I invited the founder to participate in the international online conference and contribute to their perspective about the enhancement of human society, however, I received no reply. Not only that, my old friend even responded that he does not have a Facebook profile since he rather spends his active and free time in other ways. I basically was not able to find any information about him online. That was a very unflattering fact since for me the online presence is something very useful for networking and building trust. From my perspective, anyone who wants to be a leader and create an organization that is to be an example for generations to come can not afford to hold any negative relationship towards informational technology. I am using social media in a very productive way and find it useful especially for international collaboration where personal meetings are not possible due to vast distances.

So there were many things inside me that directed me unconsciously during the conversation with my old friend and I have not been completely clear and honest about that with myself. Actually, after noticing the success of their projects they started to represent a big temptation for me since I wanted to create almost exactly what they have been building. However, I joined many projects in the past several years where I resonated strongly with their mission and vision and they all left me down. This lead me at the beginning of this year to my commitment that I will under no circumstances ever again join any project that is managed by others and that I will be focusing only on developing my own projects where I will be fully in charge. Thus when I started to communicate with my old friend it was very unpleasant to realize that I have been contemplating about breaking my commitment to my own current project. Basically, I just wanted to give my old friend the opportunity to convince me into joining them while I gave him all the reasons why I do not want to join them.

Realistically the way I wanted to create my organization and the realizations that I want to implement is far beyond what is able to manifest by me joining other organizations. I have made many attempts to do that but it always failed. I wanted to work as support staff with others because I have not yet developed sufficient leadership skills to manage big teams. So I concluded that it would be a more productive investment of my time if I join other teams and create synergy. However, I have decided now to develop myself as a leader despite moving slower than other leaders. Because previously my starting point was to produce a certain visible positive effect in society during my lifetime. However, after realizing that the necessary change will take many generations I am now rather building strong foundations where others will be able to build on even after I will be long gone. No matter how long it will take, I plan to build it right in order to stand the test of time and create the best long-term effect for all living beings in existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that whoever is not on Facebook cannot be trusted. I realize that many people are not on Facebook for many reasons. Some are not aware of complete Facebook functionality and usability and treat it just as optional entertainment. Old generations are uncomfortable to use it since they find computers and all online related technology overwhelming. Many business leaders are not on Facebook since they are focused on using LinkedIn or other means of electronic communications. And there are also some who want to hide from their past, from public eyes, or have fears that they will be monitored and abused by secret government services. Thus when and as I stumble upon someone who is not on Facebook and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Do not collaborate with that person since they can not be trusted!” I stop such thought by breathing and rather ask them directly what is their specific reason for not being there. And then to communicate with them via the media that they are most comfortable using. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build a resentment towards people that do not respond to my messages in a reasonable time. I realize that all people are not so good organized like me and have not such good computer equipment and fast access to the internet like I currently have. Reasons for others not responding quickly are also sickness, accidents, missed messages, too many messages, spam filters, business in private and professional life and many more. So when and as several days after I have sent the message my mind is producing thought like: “They have not replied in time thus it is best not to collaborate with them since they are not reliable!” I commit myself to stop and breathe. I then rather take into account any possible scenario, resend the message and try to contact them via other means in order to find out what was the specific reason for them not answering promptly the first time. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who will not be able to develop sufficient leadership skills in this life in order to properly direct a big organization. And thus that I should rather join other organizations and work in middle management or something more aligned with my current skills and capacity. I realize that my point is not just about placing myself in some organization in order to be somehow useful for society but much more. Considering the advancement in my process of self-realization, I can not accept anymore to work for an organization that is not considering the principles of full personal responsibility for all existence and equality of all living beings. Thus I commit myself to when and as I contemplate where to work and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Life is short and considering your age and your skills, best to get a job in some established company!” to stop and breathe. I then slow down, look beyond my lifespan and create an organization that will fully embrace the described principles, no matter how long it will take.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start communicating with others without firsty making sure that I have faced all energetic movements that I have in relation to the individual that I plan to communicate with. I realize that thoughts, emotions, and feelings that I have toward an individual will sooner or later reflect in a conflictual relationship if I do not face them beforehand. Thus I commit myself to when and as I am about to communicate with someone and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Just go ahead with communication since you are clear enough and if they react to your words it will be solely their own responsibility!” to stop and breathe. I then rather face the unresolved mind points that I have towards the individual and start communication only where I have cleared them completely. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to communicate with the people that I have not been in communication with for many years based on my memories about them from when I last spoke to them. I realize that people constantly change and that even after several months let alone years, they can change significantly. Thus I commit myself to when and as I reconnect with someone that I have not seen for a long time and my mind is telling me something like: “Just talk to them like you used to talk last time you saw them!” to stop and breathe. Then I rather ask them what they experienced since we last talked and how that influenced their life, or even better to invite them to a personal meeting where an exchange of past experiences and alignment with who they are now would be even more effective. 

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Leadership and Equality from the Reptilians series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 162: Emotional awareness

I tend to think about myself as someone who does what is bast for all, is guided by the principle of oneness and equality and is passionate about the projects that improve situation on this planet. Also I believed that I am a very emotionally stable person and free from any energetic addictions. Yet despite of being involved in several such project in the past years, I noticed how my initial excitement diminishes over time and I become less motivated to collaborate with other project members. Some kind of strange resistance appears within me and I get the feeling of heaviness and tiredness. Yesterday when I went out for a walk something opened in me end I came to realise what are the underling patterns that sabotage me at working effectively as part of a larger group.

The first point that came to me was how as the eldest child I have been raised up to be a serious and obedient person that does what parents instructs me to. And in our family my father was the most influential figure since he due to his low self-esteem and loosing his father when he was very young constantly search for recognition from others and wanted to be a good provider. He managed to be successful at that by being a very creative and innovative and pleasing others by positively surprising them. When me and my younger brother became part of our family I can now see how he in a way desired for his children to be provided for in the best way he could manage however at the same time my brother and I became a threat to him since we represented a riving party and started to compete with our father for attention and recognition. This is why I think jealousy developed within him and started to suppress us.

When my father started to develop our family sign-making and screen-printing business and we after completing the secondary school became his employees, such relationship got a whole new dimension. This is because I worked in the initial stage of pre-press and graphic design and when I made a mistake at visual design my brother would then print it on not so cheap products and would result in a lot of costly damage. I was pressured to work fast and my father would come onto me with extreme emotion of anger any time I made a mistake. And I also was not allowed to express myself creatively since all what matters to my father was that the products were printed as fast as possible and the quality of my visual graphic design did not matter at all. Often when I did some design he wanted me to change it to something that I did find it appropriate at all. This is also why I eventually decided to stop working for him and started my own business of creative graphic design where I had the opportunity to express myself creatively.

However even when working for my own clients his criticism remained deeply rooted within me as self-criticism in form of the back-chat in my mind that created a fear that my clients will equally not like my designs and will want me to change them. And also during the years of being an employee of my father I was pressured to work from morning to evening and started to burn out. Thus while working for my own clients I always hurried to finish the order immediately and then enjoyed my free time. Because of all that I feel that I have become conditioned to enjoy free time and wait for someone to tell me to do something and then I would execute that order precisely as instructed in order for others to be satisfied with me, to pay me fairly and then I would again just enjoy life and wait for the next order. Thus I like to complete the tasks as fast as possible and this reflects in checking my emails and social messages several times per day and making sure that my inbox is always empty. Equally when I cook, I immediately wash, wipe dry and tidy the dishes. My kitchen and my office desk are always clean and ready for the new projects.

I realised that I have become very sensitive to being pressured and that I do not allow anymore to be pushed and bullied anymore. So if someone wants me to do something and pushes me too much or if the instructions are not clear enough or if I do not get payed fairly and especially if I am to compete with others a strong resistance emerges within me. I am rather having a relaxed life with less money than earning a lot of money while being under stress all the time. In last several years I also participated in several international projects where there was a potential for me to earn a lot of money but all those projects failed to perform and I ended in some debt. This is also why I became mistrustful towards projects of others where I do not have significant control about the outcome. I learned that easiest way for me to earn the money is to work directly for the end client who respects my work and pays me fairly.

But then I started to ask myself if such life in the comfort zone is good for my personal development and I concluded that it is not. What I came to realise is that I have been living a quite elitist life where my father provided for all my needs and much more and that I took all of this for granted. Yes, I was under pressure by him but I did never ask myself how he has managing to successfully provide for our family and what kind of personal struggles he went through. Of course he also did not want to share his bag of tricks with me even if I expressed my curiosity about it. Thus in some way I tend to play a victim in order to show him that he did not equip me for a successful independent life because he wanted me to live in his house indefinitely. He never planned for me to move out and when I told him that I met a girlfriend and that I will move in with her to our own apartment he threatened that if I leave then he will never again want to see or accept me again.

Now after living on my own for almost 20 years I have started to ask myself if I am any better than my father. Because at least he managed to raise two of his children, maintain a successful business and I am at age 43 again single, without any kids, in debts and on unemployment support. I justify this by believing that I am instead of wanting to provide only for my family focusing mostly on contributing with changing of the global system so that every single living being will eventually be supported unconditionally. Yet I wonder what my impact actually is and how good of example I am if I do not take care properly for my own basic financial needs. Thus I decided to restart some of my previous business activities and then challenge myself in creating my own organisation where I will employ others. I see this as something that I need to do in order to break out of the limiting patterns that I copied from my father and also from those that I created by myself as the solution to cope with the pressures of my father.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational video titled Emotional Awareness from the Videos series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 159: Emotional dependency

I did not write into my blog for the last several weeks because there have been a lot of disturbing physical movements around the place where I live. Firstly the flatmate that lived in the room next to mine has moved out with his girlfriend to their own apartment. All the related activities that included total renovation of their previous room where I also assisted greatly took a lot of my time and attention. And then a young couple that lived in the apartment next to mined moved to that room. Again I also assisted them with cleaning and renovating of the room where their previously lived and with moving to the new room. New flatmates brought a completely new relationship dynamic to my life due to their specific personality and my relationship with them that formed within the last 3 years of living together as close neighbours.

The girl who moved to the room next to mine was going to a very emotional period and her experience while she was growing up with her parents shaped her into someone who craves for attention and is not able to sleep alone. Meaning that whenever her boyfriend would go away for two or more days, she would ask one of the neighbours if she can sleep in the same room or even the same bed with them despite of she being already 30 years old. In recent weeks, especially after they moved to my apartment, I was her favourite pick to spend the night together. To be clear, such kind of socialising was from her perspective not to be sexual in any way despite of also desiring hugging occasionally. We spent many hours, especially in the late evenings, talking about her emotional dependency and how strong she is missing her boyfriend at times when he is out for several days. But then she also started to share with me how they almost broke up a month ago since her boyfriend is becoming tired of her emotional outbursts and how he plans to be away even more frequently end for even longer periods of time.

They have been together for around 4 years and slowly it started to show that they have very different needs and future life agendas. Their relationship challenges now escalated to such extend that her boyfriend definitely decided to break up with her and move out of our shared apartment. Initially he wanted to move out already a week ago however he later changed his mind and decided to stay for another month. During that time he was firstly away for 5 days, now he is back for 2 days and then he will be again be gone for 10 days. While he was gone his ex-girlfriend became quite attached to me and she started to consider me as her new boyfriend. However whenever her ex-boyfriend returns she becomes extremely divided because she still loves him so much and would like to be with him indefinitely. Recent time period has thus for me been a very turbulent since I have been witnessing a lot of extreme emotional drama including crying, craving, jealousy, blaming, becoming angry and even physical violence by that girl.

Such events were also very challenging for me since I needed to decide how and to what extend shall I get involved in assisting the girl especially from perspective of becoming one end equal with her and supporting her with becoming less emotionally dependent and more self-reliant. Also I am now facing a decision whether become her boyfriend or not. This is where it is currently a bit hard to say now because I will be the closest person and her best friend to socialise with especially after her boyfriend will move out and I also like her a lot. It is in a way funny how life brings very similar kind of girls who are very emotionally unstable and need a lot of support to me. I have been already in couple of such relationships lasting around 3 years and it looks like a new one is about to start. With the difference of course that I am now more mature and skilled in understanding and responding to the minds of others and am also equipped with tools to support myself and fellow beings more effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of possible relationship with a very emotional girl due to prediction that our relationship will end in the same way as my previous relationships did and that I am thus wasting my time with her. This is due to my accepted and allowed belief that in my age of 43 it is about time to find some emotionally stable girl that I will have kids with who will grow up into great leaders and contribute to bettering of this world extensively. I realise that life does not necessary need to be about raising best kids and expecting them to become the change in this world and that I am already able to change myself and massively contribute to global society regardless of what kind of relationship I am in or if I will have my own children or not. When and as I am evaluating a potential partner and my mind goes like: “I must check the level of her emotional stability and accept her as my life partner only if she proves that she is stable enough.” to stop and breathe. I then rather decide to assist myself and others to become more emotionally stable in every single moment of my life according to my capacity and ability of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I engage in another relationship with a very emotional girl me and my projects will become compromised due to constant clinging and need for attention from such girl. I realise that in any given moment I am able to respond to current situation and protect myself and my interest to the level where I can feel comfortable. When and as I am becoming close to an emotional girl and my mind creates imagination of the future where I live in a suffocating relationship with such girl, I stop and breathe. Within the realisation that I am able to break any kind of relationship at any time, I continue living as an example of solution in terms of emotionally stable guy who is able to respond to any life challenge with confidence and self-assurance.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire a peaceful, stress-free life where I will be able to enjoy only the best of what this world has to offer. I realise that within the realisation that each of us is responsible for the current situation on this world, this is not the time where one can afford to ignore all the current suffering in existence, nor can anyone deny the fact that we are one and interconnected anymore. When and as I am picking direction of movement in my life and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Decide for an easy path of tranquility and abundance and avoid any kind of stress.” I stop and breathe. I commit myself to firstly focus on the process of self-perfection and at the same time to find best position in the global society where I can create the biggest leverage as possible to equally assist also others at the process of releasing ourselves from alternative energetic realities of the mind and starting to live responsibly as one and equal in this universal physical reality.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Emotional Dependency from the Relationship Success Support series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to many about life and this existence.

Day 155: Painful manifestation on my butt

I seat a lot since my work is computer related. When I do something creative on my computer or if I watch some movie, I can seat for hours without standing up and I do not feel any physical discomfort. Despite of my bottom pressing again the chair for a long time, there are usually no long-term consequences of that. However occasionally I get some painful manifestations around the rectum that persist for several weeks and during that time it is very uncomfortable for me to seat on the chair and work with computer. Those manifestations are hardly visible to the naked eye, but when touched with the hand they feel like a hardened parts of the skin, usually elongated, like a vain, a few millimetres thick and a few centimetres long. Sometimes they include also a special painful spot, like a pimple however it is more solid and deeper than a common pimple. Such part of hardened skin with a very painful spot also manifested on my butt a week ago and this time I decided to do a deeper research about the cause of it in order to prevent it from reoccurring in the future.

Those of us who are part of Desteni group and walk Desteni I Process course for self-realisation have the privilege of support from experienced New Kinesiology practitioners. So I also scheduled a Skype session with one of them and explained my problem. The first thing that she indicated is that the painful manifestation on my buttocks is related to my mental processes. However she immediately also asked me if I already went to check it with a doctor because even though she tested out that it is a mind point, it may not automatically heal itself if and when I look at the mind point. Then she specified that the cause is a projection, specifically projecting emotions or expressions such as hostility, anger, hatefulness, selfishness, distance and irritation onto a person. In such emotional experience I reacted with sadness, guilt, remorsefulness, depression, tiredness, feeling stupid, inferiority and isolation. And the next related point that she indicated was a backchat of hatefulness, anger, hostility, criticism, selfishness, sarcasm and feeling hurt.

When I checked my memory what sorts of events I experienced around the time when the painful manifestation on my butt occurred I immediately remembered a visit of a policeman at my home. That policeman called me on the phone a day before and explained that he wants to talk to me since he is investigating a probable case of illegal money pyramid. I remember that immediately after the call, I had a massive backchat throughout the rest of the day and I imagined all kind of possible scenarios that might take place when he will arrive the next day. I have been pondering how to answer his questions, starting with introduction of myself. My encounters with police were very rare and I face them only several times in my life during the common traffic checks and when I reported couple of cases to them. However never have I been under investigation for anything illegal. Due to me wanting to be an example of a good person that does not harm anyone I wondered how even came so far that someone reported my activities as having something to do with breaking the law.

My core pattern that I have been transforming for the last several years has been fear about being criticised by others which is connected to my desire of wanting to get attention by impressing others with sharing of advanced knowledge and information. And I am still a bit sensitive about what others think about me especially if they blame me for something that I did not done or they perceive me as the opposite of how I want to be experienced by others. The next point that made me react especially to a person who has been in a role of policeman was information that I got in a study group where we researched the secret history and functioning of global legal and money system. It was explain that contrary to public believe that police is to protect us they are actually protectors of the public legal system that was created for the benefit of the Crown and the Pope who have been controlling and enslaving the humanity through religion and money system. Because as explained, by issuing of the birth certificate, we are turned into a legal fiction called the Person and taken all the human rights in exchange for the benefits of the public social system.

So the first thought that came through my mind after the policeman announced his visit was how shall I answer if he asks me if my name is Valentin Rozman. Because if I give him my full name as it stated on my birth certificate and my national ID card, legally I am confirming to be a legal fiction and will be handled as such. I started to project knowledge and information gained in the research group and created an enemy construct about the policeman. In my mind he was an evil representative of enslavement and abuse system with powers that he can use to arrest me and put me in jail. And because I was not skilled in legal terminology I would not be able to answer him in the way where my natural rights as a living human on land would be effectively protected. So I became quite scared and afraid what will happen when and as I face the policeman, especially because he will come to me in regards to a money related charges. About the operations that I have been involved in I have mede sure that all is legal and have several months ago contacted all the respective government agencies for them to confirm that everything that I have been doing is aligned with Slovenian legislation. Despite of knowing that the policeman will not be able to find any evidence of a criminal activity because all that I do is aligned with the law, I was still very uncomfortable due to possibility that he will be able to find something that I have missed to see.

When the next day the policeman came, I was surprised that he was not in the uniform, he just came in without introducing himself or asking me about my name and only after we sat down behind the table, he showed his badge and asked me about my birth date and place. He actually never asked for my name or any identification document. Then he explained that he came just to checked a few facts and that there is no person who suffered any damage due to my activities. He just needed to do some research on behalf of government financial agency in order to confirm that all is according to the law. We had quite a nice three hour talk where I enlightened him about many things that he was not aware of. Like that the fiat money system is actually the biggest theft in human history despite of being totally legal. All went fine however during the chat I noticed that I was still quite tense and in a slight emotional reaction because I did not consider the policeman as an equal but someone who is superior to me and is also in role of a someone who is violating natural rights despite of him probably thinking that what he does is for the good of the whole society.

After our chat I also sent him the proof of my previous communication with financial government agencies and their answers and I expect that this case will be closed soon. Now it is up to me to write some statements in order to transform my patterns of projecting blame and anger towards policeman and thus taking full self-responsibility for all the related reactions that me and no one else is responsible for:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label the person who announced his visit only as the policeman and not as an equal human being who is only temporary acting in a role of a policeman. I realise that I was the one who actually violated natural human rights of the human who came to me by not treating him as equal being. I commit myself to when and as a human comes to me and introduces themselves as a representative of certain organisation and my mind produces thoughts like: “Oh wow, this human has special right and powers and I must submit to him!” to stop and breathe. I then communicate with them with awareness that all beings are one and equal as life and that we do only express ourselves though different body interfaces and play certain roles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is no difference between the functioning of police in the United States and here in Slovenia. I realise that despite there are some general legal overlays that consider each country on this world equally, there are considerable differences about the legal system and functioning of the police in Slovenia. I commit myself to when and as I meet the policeman in Slovenia and my mind goes: “Remember the videos about how nasty police in the US treat the people so you have to equally be afraid of the police in Slovenia!” to stop and breathe. I then communicate with the Slovenian police not just with understanding that they are much less aggressive than in US but to also understand that they are humans like me and want to be equally treated with respect and kindness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a good person that has done nothing wrong and that I must not be approached with any allegations. I realise that despite of someone doing only good to others and treating them as one and equal, they can still be attacked and accused by others due to different fears, misunderstandings, unclarity, caution and projection of past experiences. I commit myself to when and as someone is treating me as a suspect of doing something wrong and my mind is producing thoughts like: “I feel deeply insulted for someone even thinking that I am capable of harming others since I am the guy who does nothing but good to others!” to stop and breathe. I then continue to listen what the accusation are calmly and explain my perspective without taking it personally and understanding that until others will also not take full responsibility for their participation in the mind, I will still have to face the consequences of their points of separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my responsibility is only to work on transforming my own mind patterns and after that my work is done and I can enjoy life in peace and happiness. I realise that this this is not true because we are all one and in this together and that no one is free unless we all are free. I commit myself to when and as I meet someone where I see that they are struggling with their mind patterns and I get thoughts like: “This is their own problem and I must not assist them but only leave them alone to face themselves!” to stop and breathe. I then support them the same as I have been supported by others in order to give forward what I have received within patience and persistence until all beings will transform their mind patterns to the level where we all will be able to live in harmony and abundance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in massive thinking about all possible sorts of scenarios of how the meeting with someone could look like immediately after someone announces that they want to meet with me. I realise that it is futile to think about how some event will look like in the future because such thinking is only separating me from what is currently here and is not assisting me in any way possible. I commit myself to when and as someone schedules a meeting with me and my mind starts to create all sort of imaginations about how the meeting might look like and what the results might be to stop and breathe. I then while waiting for the time of the meeting focus on being productive with what is here and prepare practically for that meeting and nothing more. The fact is that many scheduled meetings even do not take place since something can change and any meeting can thus be delayed or canceled even just a few minutes before the scheduled time of the meting.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Working Through Your Blame from the Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 152: My relationship with money

For the last 4 years I have been living on the public social support money and have been making some additional income by working for my father. However this does not mean that I have become lazy. I have been actually very busy for 3 years doing the sales activity for overpriced learning software that no one was able to afford and then I engaged for 1 year in promoting a new digital currency where I did earn a lot of money however it has not yet become convertible despite the initial speculations that it will become liquid asset by the end of 2016. Now I am thinking about what to do because I am tired of doing businesses that other control and where promises of earning do not come true.

My relationship with money started of course when I was a child and parents would firstly start to give me pocket money. After I finished the middle school, I became employee of my father who started to develop our family business. However initially I did not receive any direct salary but had to ask my parents to buy me what I needed. It was only after I met my first girlfriend and moved out of my parents' house when I enforced my salary to be payed directly to me. After I broke off with my girlfriend, I started to work as a sole proprietor and a freelancer where I earned more than enough for my needs. However I never decided to create a big business and employ many people due to different reasons.

One thing was that I cherished the freedom of working alone where I could take brakes whenever I wanted and spend a lot of my free time for personal growth. I also was not exposed to environment where I could learn from others how to manage big business and many employees. And I have been influenced my father who also preferred to work alone and had ideology to earn only just enough to be debt-free and disregard situations of those who are not part of our family. In recent years I have also studied extensively how money is actually made in our society where firstly precious metals and stones were used as main means of exchange, then gold-backed currencies were introduced to global economy and where now we are using fiat currency that is created out of thin air and are not backed by any real assets. Not only that, but currencies like Dollar and Euro are debt-base and have been designed specifically to create inequality, scarcity and economic slavery. And some explain that even Euro that is used in our country is not a currency but technically a United States Military Script and legally when used one actually engages in a act of war.

So I have been lately torn between promoting the Spurt new debt-free asset-backed currency that has a stable nominal value but almost none practical usability and using Euro debt-based fiat currency without any backing where I would wage war agains others by using it. But this is not the only problem, because even when considering the benefits of many new digital crypto and non-crypto currencies, there is still a challenge of defining a value to any resource, product and service. Because in recent era humanity has been given highest value only to rare inanimate objects like gold and diamonds where life had none value at all and many beings have been killed for the sake of making profit. This is also why I am a strong supporter of the Equal Money System where life has the highest value and a dignified living conditions for all form of life are the top priority.

Money has in many ways been used as form of enslavement however I am happy to see that massive change is happening on a global scale where many global leaders have decided to provide prosperity to the whole humanity and do not want any more wars. Malicious members of global elite have been neutered and their secret undergrounds blown up. Chinese Red Dragon Family are distributing their massive stocks of gold around the world for the currency to become backed by assets again. Thus global currency revaluation and reset is on the way. Some say that despite that the popping of global financial bubble will not be able to be prevented and that we are to prepare ourselves for the time of big turbulence. And with potentials of the new plasma technology developed by Keshe Foundation abundance of electricity, any chemical element, physical body regeneration and space travel potentials beyond human imagination are being made available to all.  

With enormous amount of information accessible over the internet and increasing number of opportunities, it has been a great challenge for me what path to choose. Learning about the new ways of removing any attachment to physicality and becoming emotionally non-reactive by using Keshe box in order to be able to travel space and aligning our physical body to every galactic environment had stirred my imagination. However each of those now discoveries is constantly being developed and there is large amount of information being produced on a daily basis that would require lot of time to digest and integrate. And the problem is also that lot of information is deliberately deceptive and so one can become quickly frustrated by conflicting claims. So in order to prevent going insane, one has no other option but to limit their field of study and operation and also use common sense to filter fake news.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to stop engaging in commercial activities in order to be payed in Euro currency due to learning that Euro is a military script and using it is an act of war. Thus since I want to be in peace and have also signed the Keshe World Peace Treaty I wanted to keep using Euro to the minimum and mostly use only a peaceful currencies like Spurt. I realise that even though using Euro is legally an act of war, it is still the main financial mean of exchange that most people in my and surrounding countries accept without any objection and that it would take enormous amount of time and resources before Spurt will become significantly recognisable in order to stop using Euro completely. I commit myself to when and as I want to earn Euros and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Do not accept Euro or else you will be waging war against others!” to stop end breathe. I then allow myself to accept Euros and understand the current imperfect reality in this world and the fact that we must firstly stop the war within us that we are waging war agains self and others by using energetic weapons of our feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become distracted by all sorts of new information that I stumble upon when participating on Facebook and other web sites. I realise that while it is important to be open-minded and to understand the full picture of how this existence works, by trying to understand and control what is going on outside of myself, I will not be able to keep a sane mind. I commit myself to when and as I stumble upon a new fantastic discovery and my mind goes like: “You must research this in depth since this source might completely change your life and free you from all the misery that you experience currently!” to stop and breathe. I then check the new discovery only to the level of becoming aware of its existence and continue to discover what is within me since everything out there exists only as the manifested consequence of what I allow and accept to be within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for some tool outside of me like the Keshe Plasma Emotion Box that would assist me in changing myself faster. I realise that my human physical body already is The Box that reflects my emotions and feelings by pain and other sensations that I can experience and that it is everything that I actually need to change myself. When and as I hear about some scientific discovery that is promising for the man to understand the mind and I notice thought like: “You must research this since there must be a faster and more effective method that writing!” to stop and breathe. I then rather use the proven Desteni tools of introspection and become self-reliant within the process of looking within me and transforming myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be afraid of creating a big business and having to provide enough monthly income to pay the salaries because I see that global economic situation is very unstable. I realise that one can not know how the business situation will actually develop in real world situation and that all predictions are nothing but creation of my imagination. When and as I decide to employ any people and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Do not employ anybody since if there will not be enough income to pay for the salaries, they will tear you apart from anger!” to stop and breathe. I then with realisation that hiring and firing people is a natural process of every big business take on board additional help and let them go if necessary without hard feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that by creating an organisation with many employees I will loose my freedom and become overwhelmed with trying to manage the business. I realise that there are many owners of companies that employ hundreds of thousands of people however they still manage to organise their life the way they want. I commit myself to when and as I think about creating a large organisation and my mind goes like: “Are you totally crazy, this would be an act of suicide!” to stop and breathe. I then plan to grow my business step by step and distribute all the tasks among the employees so that I can direct the projects with a peaceful mind. 

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Freeing your Mind from Money from The Soul of Money series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 149: How I experience myself towards woman

It came up with discussion with my Desteni I Process course buddy that it would be beneficial for me to write about how I experience myself towards man and towards woman. I started to write this post with intention to focus only on my experiences towards men first but then I noticed that I am actually writing how I experience myself as a man towards woman. So I will be writing about men in the following post.

Starting with my school memories I definitely felt like an outsider, someone who does not fit in and does not understand why others behave like they do. That is because firstly by father did not allow me to socialise, go out and mingle in the evenings and weekends due to fear that I will be bullied the same way like he was by his classmates. And than by father was also an example of individualistic person who was not able to work in a team due to his own low self-esteem and the need to prove himself, constantly craving for attention of others. The third factor was how I was treated as the first born son who was expected to be serious, responsible, intelligent and an example to my younger brother. Additional influence was the fact that my father started our family business where I was constantly pushed to work very hard and for long hours.

So until age of 24 my life has been so occupied with activities and directed by my father that I basically did not have any time to think about who I am, who I have become and to develop any ambition for my personal life as a man. Basically it did not matter that I was a male since all what counted in my life is how I perform as the oldest child and employe. In a way, my role towards my father was more like a pet. I was to listen and obey the orders and get treats and if not, I was punished. It was by pure coincidence that I met my first girlfriend during a visit of our business partner. What connected us was the fact that we were in a very similar position as the oldest child in the family and facing the same terror by our fathers who run the family business. It was basically a coalition to join forces in the fight for our freedom and human right. The problem was that I was conditioned so much that I lacked the strong many character that she needed and she was also emotionally damaged to the level where she was played by her father like a piano.

After my first girlfriend left me, I started to research human psychology and that pulled me into another rabbit hole of discovering the grater picture of existence. My self-definition as a man was then also put under question after I discovered that in my previous life I was a female. Understanding that I play only a temporary role as a men in this life influenced me in questioning how much I should identify myself with a male character since I am a living being beyond the two human sexes. I learned that sexes exist also on the level of primary beings that emerged from the planets. However some beings came into existence in a synthetic manner and I have not yet ordered my Sound Symbol & Beingness Signature Drawings in order to find out how I came into existence. The point is that despite of finding myself in my male human physical body, I did never put much attention into fitting any general definition of a male and presenting myself towards other as a male. My relationship towards other is more like towards fellow sexless children of god.

Of course I do experience sexual needs and like to have sex with women, however my primary life mission is not focused on finding a wife and having children. I enjoy being alone and when I am not in a relationship with a woman, I use masturbation purely as a tool to satisfy my sexual needs to the level where they do not distract my attention form passionately progressing towards discovering all the secrets of life and existence. I did made myself available by creating profiles on many online and mobile dating web sites and I do respond to any request in timely manner. And I also do searches and send messages to the profiles I like. However I just recently restated with more active online dating activities after about 3 years of being single again. I definitely learned many things from my past relationships and I have changed and raised my criteria and minimal standards about the women that I am willing to start dating. I am not interested anymore in emotional drama and until some girl who is willing and capable to walk a relationship with me as one end equal contacts me, I prefer staying single.

Currently I am also developing new business plan for myself that will hopefully provide me with a stable income. Well I learned that things in business do change faster than ever so I do not expect any business to be stable for ever, but at least I want to develop some business to a level where I will be able to pay of my debt and have my monthly expenses more than covered. This is also why I am currently not willing to spend more time to date in terms of also physically going out or approaching females that I meet in person. Being now age of 43 I find myself in a bit strange relationship position. This is because most of women my age already are in a relationship or are separated and have their own children. I know that children demand a lot of attention and that there is a totally different relationship dynamic when dating a woman with a child, especially if their ex is still alive and is paying visits to his ex female partner and their children. And for the single girls of my age it is so that they mostly look exhausted and old, their ability to safely birth children is running out and they have set their ways. Considering that my partner will have a lot to catching up to do and that I do want my own kinds without any additional baggage, I will obviously have to get a much younger girl which is also a challenge of its own since not many are looking to date much older guy.

I see having enough money as a basis to fulfil my dating and relationship plans regardless what kind of woman I will hook up with. However on the other hand I also do not feel the rush of making money because I enjoy living current comfortable life where my basic needs are met and I feel free and without any much stress, able to learn and discover new things. Being single has also its own benefits and considering that god is one and that we are all parts of the god, finding us in the illusion of separation, moving back to oneness, I wonder why even bother with creating attachments to any life partner in a human physical body that has a relative short life span. Bottom line is that I am committed to bringing us together so I am not lonely and am free to bond with any individual that I meet. Regardless what life will bring, I know that it is my sole responsibility to feel fulfilled, to forgive myself any illusion of lack and that whatever will happen, I plan to leave this physical existence with as little regret as possible.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-assisting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled The Outsider from the Life Review series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.