Day 149: How I experience myself towards woman

It came up with discussion with my Desteni I Process course buddy that it would be beneficial for me to write about how I experience myself towards man and towards woman. I started to write this post with intention to focus only on my experiences towards men first but then I noticed that I am actually writing how I experience myself as a man towards woman. So I will be writing about men in the following post.

Starting with my school memories I definitely felt like an outsider, someone who does not fit in and does not understand why others behave like they do. That is because firstly by father did not allow me to socialise, go out and mingle in the evenings and weekends due to fear that I will be bullied the same way like he was by his classmates. And than by father was also an example of individualistic person who was not able to work in a team due to his own low self-esteem and the need to prove himself, constantly craving for attention of others. The third factor was how I was treated as the first born son who was expected to be serious, responsible, intelligent and an example to my younger brother. Additional influence was the fact that my father started our family business where I was constantly pushed to work very hard and for long hours.

So until age of 24 my life has been so occupied with activities and directed by my father that I basically did not have any time to think about who I am, who I have become and to develop any ambition for my personal life as a man. Basically it did not matter that I was a male since all what counted in my life is how I perform as the oldest child and employe. In a way, my role towards my father was more like a pet. I was to listen and obey the orders and get treats and if not, I was punished. It was by pure coincidence that I met my first girlfriend during a visit of our business partner. What connected us was the fact that we were in a very similar position as the oldest child in the family and facing the same terror by our fathers who run the family business. It was basically a coalition to join forces in the fight for our freedom and human right. The problem was that I was conditioned so much that I lacked the strong many character that she needed and she was also emotionally damaged to the level where she was played by her father like a piano.

After my first girlfriend left me, I started to research human psychology and that pulled me into another rabbit hole of discovering the grater picture of existence. My self-definition as a man was then also put under question after I discovered that in my previous life I was a female. Understanding that I play only a temporary role as a men in this life influenced me in questioning how much I should identify myself with a male character since I am a living being beyond the two human sexes. I learned that sexes exist also on the level of primary beings that emerged from the planets. However some beings came into existence in a synthetic manner and I have not yet ordered my Sound Symbol & Beingness Signature Drawings in order to find out how I came into existence. The point is that despite of finding myself in my male human physical body, I did never put much attention into fitting any general definition of a male and presenting myself towards other as a male. My relationship towards other is more like towards fellow sexless children of god.

Of course I do experience sexual needs and like to have sex with women, however my primary life mission is not focused on finding a wife and having children. I enjoy being alone and when I am not in a relationship with a woman, I use masturbation purely as a tool to satisfy my sexual needs to the level where they do not distract my attention form passionately progressing towards discovering all the secrets of life and existence. I did made myself available by creating profiles on many online and mobile dating web sites and I do respond to any request in timely manner. And I also do searches and send messages to the profiles I like. However I just recently restated with more active online dating activities after about 3 years of being single again. I definitely learned many things from my past relationships and I have changed and raised my criteria and minimal standards about the women that I am willing to start dating. I am not interested anymore in emotional drama and until some girl who is willing and capable to walk a relationship with me as one end equal contacts me, I prefer staying single.

Currently I am also developing new business plan for myself that will hopefully provide me with a stable income. Well I learned that things in business do change faster than ever so I do not expect any business to be stable for ever, but at least I want to develop some business to a level where I will be able to pay of my debt and have my monthly expenses more than covered. This is also why I am currently not willing to spend more time to date in terms of also physically going out or approaching females that I meet in person. Being now age of 43 I find myself in a bit strange relationship position. This is because most of women my age already are in a relationship or are separated and have their own children. I know that children demand a lot of attention and that there is a totally different relationship dynamic when dating a woman with a child, especially if their ex is still alive and is paying visits to his ex female partner and their children. And for the single girls of my age it is so that they mostly look exhausted and old, their ability to safely birth children is running out and they have set their ways. Considering that my partner will have a lot to catching up to do and that I do want my own kinds without any additional baggage, I will obviously have to get a much younger girl which is also a challenge of its own since not many are looking to date much older guy.

I see having enough money as a basis to fulfil my dating and relationship plans regardless what kind of woman I will hook up with. However on the other hand I also do not feel the rush of making money because I enjoy living current comfortable life where my basic needs are met and I feel free and without any much stress, able to learn and discover new things. Being single has also its own benefits and considering that god is one and that we are all parts of the god, finding us in the illusion of separation, moving back to oneness, I wonder why even bother with creating attachments to any life partner in a human physical body that has a relative short life span. Bottom line is that I am committed to bringing us together so I am not lonely and am free to bond with any individual that I meet. Regardless what life will bring, I know that it is my sole responsibility to feel fulfilled, to forgive myself any illusion of lack and that whatever will happen, I plan to leave this physical existence with as little regret as possible.

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Day 25: Relationship breakup self-forgiveness

In the previous two posts of this blog I wrote about my decision to break up with my girlfriend that lived with me for about 4 years. In this post I will take self-responsibility for my decisions in regards to this relationship and correct my behavior patterns in order not to do the same mistakes again.

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to feel hurt and disappointed since my first girlfriend after three years of living together left me instead of realizing that the reason was not me hurting her in any way but her desire to be in relationship where her partner would abuse her as here father abused her on a daily basis.
   
   
2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed not to initiate any relationship with girls since I did not want to be hurt again and rather waited for the girls to initiate contact with me instead of realizing that rejection is a part of life and that it is best to stay emotionally stable regardless if a girl rejects or accepts me.
   
   
3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to indulge my last girlfriend who made a lot of effort to become my partner for constantly calling me and sending me messages for over a year and then accepted her in spite of initially not liking her very much instead of realizing that person who has issues by accepting NO will also be incapable of equal communication in the long run.
   
   
4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to feel good when my last girlfriend praised my body details and told me how incredible and beautiful I am instead of realizing that physical obsession is never a good starting point of a relationship and that what makes relationship work is ability of both partners to effectively communicate and understand each other execute what is mutually agreed.
   
   
5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to wait for so long for my last girlfriend to start her process of inner transformation instead of realizing that her reluctance is so strong that she will not start the process unless I break up with her and leave her to face the consequences of her mind patterns on her own.
   
   
6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed not to see how being in a relationship with I person who thinks that money is the root of all evil and that lot of money automatically corrupts you is influencing me to such extent that even I have started to experience problems with earning money instead of realizing this issue sooner and split with the person with such limiting believes.
   
   
7. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be afraid of connecting with girls that I like since by comparing my body with movie actors and magazine celebrities I defined my body as less attractive and thus not being worthy of relationship with the girls who I find attractive instead of realizing that what body shape is not what others are attracted by but the confidence and self-esteem that one expresses by non-verbal communication.
   
   
8. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to live my life from the state of passive observer and admire achievements of others, believing that I am incapable of achieving high goals due to my physical looks instead of realizing that even people with strong disabilities have been able to do amazing things and thus I am also more than able to achieve much more that I currently perceive to be my limits.
   
   
9. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be paralyzed by the energy of fear and stop in moving forward instead of accepting any challenge in my life as an opportunity to grow and expand by looking deep inside me and pointing out what kind of accepted believe is creating this inner conflict and energy of fear and removing it with assistance of self forgiveness.
   
   
10. I commit myself to open myself to opportunity of meeting a more supportive partner in my life and testing her level of ability and preparedness of becoming my agreement where we would both actively walk our process and support each other as equals.
    
    
11. I commit myself to when and as I see a girl that I like, I breathe and remain here and not allow for her physical characteristics to overwhelm me but engage in the conversation as equals and then by asking questions find out if we she has a thinking patterns compatible with mine to the level that is worth of engaging in a relationship.

Day 24: I decided to brake up with my girlfriend

In the previous post of this blog I wrote how the visit of my good friend opened up my eyes and assisted me in becoming aware how detrimental a relationship is where your partner is constantly telling you that it can not be done, that you will not succeed, that money is root of all evil and a lot of similar limiting and unsupportive claims. One can try consciously telling itself that these statements are not true, however when hearing them every single day for several times, they slip to the subconscious and unconscious mind and start to sabotage you without being aware of.

Yesterday I decided to have a talk with my girlfriend and told her that I suggest to part. She agreed and told me that she also expected me to come to this decision sooner or later since she also was not very committed to our relationships and desired a different lifestyle. I am planning to prepare myself for political an leadership activities and I need a capable and supportive partner who does want the same. However my girlfriend did not want even to dress different, but was always in casual new age clothes and wanted to live without any big responsibilities in the nature and do some agriculture or similar activities.

Our relationship was beneficial for both of us, we learned and realized a lot. I gain experience about how is to be fully physically loved and accepted and I saved here from previous violent relationship and showed her how man can communicate and act peacefully. However now is time to move one. I need a more supportive environment, friends who build me up, who see the solutions instead of problems, who realize that each one of us has power to achieve incredible things and that with dedication and focus we can relatively quickly turn this world into what is best for all.

So today my girlfriend is moving out to her parents place and will focus on finishing the exams for her high school of cosmetics before she graduates in one or two months. My business will thus also stop offering her massage services and I will from now on focus on counseling, educational and informational products that support life. I plan to develop my connections with groups of successful and responsible people that I have been involved in and use my time and abilities to create as big social impact as possible.

I see what are my next challenges and there are a lot of mountains to climb yet. I am looking forward to transform myself to more open, collaborative and successful person, meet new people, expand my perspective and activate unlimited potentials that await me. There are people out there with mentality that speed up creative process to unimaginable levels and there are possibilities that no one would ever dream of.