Day 169: A true origin of my sadness exposed

It has been around 20 years since I started the journey of self-discovery and over 8 years since I have been walking the process of self-perfection by writing blogs and recording vlogs. However, during this process, I have not felt the increase in my awareness in relation to what I have accepted and allowed to become. Meaning during the process I did look at the past events where I have abdicated my self-responsibility and committed to correct myself. However, I have until recently not felt such shame as I am feeling now. Also in past decades, I felt some sort of undefined sadness that has been noticeable from my facial expression in form of dark baggy eyes. Until recently I assumed that the sadness was about all the traumatic events that I have experienced in my past. However, I see now that what I am actually sad about is what I have allowed and accepted in my life. As far I can remember, I have defined myself as a good person that does not want to harm anybody and that all that happened to me had nothing to do with who I am. I claimed that I am an innocent victim and punished by life for no reason. Boy oh boy was I wrong!

I see my childhood as quite pleasant, with memories of just a couple of unpleasant events. Now the problem with the memories is how we tend to remember mostly bad things and disregard all the good stuff. And it was exactly the same with me. All the abundance, safety, and love that my parent provided I just took for granted. That is what made me turn into a spoiled brat. I understand that my over-protective environment played a role in that but boy it took a long time for me to understand how much spoiled I have become. I and my brother lived for many years in a safe family bubble where were provided by our father with the latest gadgetry. Computers and television then contributed for me to sink into an even more deceptive bubble of virtual reality where I have played god and attacked other from. All the images, especially porn, created layers of energetic addictions. Thus whenever I faced challenges, instead of facing and understanding them, I took refuge in the alternative worlds of emotional and orgasmic experiences. That took me in such separation of life that I am just slowly becoming aware of the real depth of my demise.

Now that I am experiencing some kind of quantum leap in my awareness, I am having a great challenge in deciding what to do. I do not want to be the self-centered spoiled kid anymore, however, I see that such tendencies are still a part of me and it will still take time for me to transform my behavior patterns and energetic addictions. I feel like a heavy train that has been driving towards the cliff with full speed. I have become aware of the cliff and have hit the brakes, however, it will take the train some time to stop completely due to inertia.

I see for example how a photography at first glance is an innocent art that started to become my passion already at my young age. However, one perspective using photography is to manifest points of separation. When looking through the viewfinder, a photographer positions himself on 'the other side of the lens' where all that matters is a framed composition of visual elements in a moment. A photographer does not need to care about what events lead to the current state of reality and what will be the outflow of events in the future. The trapped moment of time is then observed over and over again in form of a photo and in many cases, a deep emotional bond is created to that picture. A photo is an attempt to stop the time and create an experience of eternity. Generally when taking a photo one does not ask or needs to ask for a permission to take a snapshot. So it is also much like stealing something from someone. And also within such stealing, one is being very careful to compose all the shapes and colors with the starting point to entice as strong emotional reaction from the observers of the photo as possible. Sure photography can also function as evidence of past events however generally it functions as an attempt to control something or to gain something.

A camera has played a role of the protective shield also in my life for many years. I have been hiding behind the lens and also behind a TV and computer screen for too long. For so long that I have lost the interest in doing much of the physical work. Because using computer things move much faster and the physical reality takes much more time to manifest. This is why I have also become impatient and restless, constantly needing some pictures, sounds, and information to fill my mind and keep me entertained. For physical labor, I defined myself as someone who is overqualified and would waste my potentials if I engage in some kind of job that does not require a lot of intellectual skills. Consequently, I am keeping myself trapped in computer-related jobs that create a strain on my physical body due to long periods of keeping myself in a sitting position. Sadly it is also the money that influences my business decisions since most of the highest paid jobs are now also related to using computers. On the other hand, the information age is also connecting us again, thought externally, but is enabling us a reflection of what is going on in our minds and serves as a beneficial projection of our internal reality. So the key is to make the best of all this mess and to figure out how to create a future where we would not be enslaved and separate anymore by our own creation.

What I am also dealing with here is a chicken and egg situation. I am quite satisfied with being single and do not have a need to be in a relationship with someone to be happy. So I am asking myself if this is something that is the true nature of my being or a consequence of my upbringing. I see how much I am like my father and have wondered how much of what I am are personalities that I have copied from him as a child. Or it could be just that my father and I have similar nature of our beingnesses that both like to work alone and would not change much regardless of the environment. Well, all that I can do is to continue my process of identifying the points of separation within me and to move towards creating the future based on the principle of what is best for all. It is up to me to challenge and expand myself but to be at the same time careful not to overwhelm myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my life to be directed mostly by the energies of good emotions and bad feelings instead of directing myself as life as one and equal. I commit myself to stop all the energy addictions and to direct myself based on the principle of what is best for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see other being only as their picture manifestation. And then also comparing them to ideals of perfection and judging any visual imperfection instead of treating them as one and equal as who I am as life. I realize that everything that I am able to observe with my human physical eyes is much more than I am able to see and understand that we are all an equal part of this existence. Thus I commit myself to when and as I am looking at someone and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look at this and that imperfection on their face and their body and how they dress!” to stop and breathe. I then place myself into the body of the person that I observe and understand how my life would be if I would be in their body and to have their life experience. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to observe women mostly from the perspective of how a sexual experience with them would be. I realize that I have been conditioned by years of watching porn where I have started to associate the appearance of a woman with experience of orgasm. Thus I commit myself to when and as I want to experience a physical orgasm and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look at some woman or a picture of a woman or imagine a woman during masturbation since you will experience the energy of orgasm quicker!” to stop and breathe. I commit myself to practice masturbation only as an act of my physical body self-expression within the realization that I do not need to imagine anything let alone having to include any other body to experience an orgasm. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I interact with others for my actions to have the starting point of wanting to impress others in order for them to admire me and then to feel good about myself. I realize how self-centered my interactions with others have been since I mostly wanted to impress others using advance knowledge and information and also other skills that I have gathered. Thus I commit myself to when and as I interact with other and my mind is producing thought like: “Just think what great information will you tell them in order to impress them and prove that you know more than they do!” to stop and breathe. I then communicate with others from the starting point of equality, share the information that is relevant to them or ask them questions in order to find out how they feel and if there is anything that I can assist them with. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a perfectionist and to become angry about myself every single time when I notice some imperfection about myself. I realize that tendency towards the perfection is a projection of not accepting myself as who I am as my physical body, mind and the being that all have its limitations and do change over time. Thus I commit myself to when and as I see something about myself and my mind is producing thoughts like: “You should have done or looked like this instead of that!” to stop and breathe. I then within the realization that everything is changing and that nothing will ever fit the complete criteria of someone's imagination do my best to strive towards my goals but also fully accept how I am and how I perform at this very moment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself and compete with others where I wanted to prove that I know much more than others and can do things better than others for the sake of feeling good. I realize that self-perfection is supportive however we all have different preconditions, different environments, different bodies, different minds, different beings and can not perfect self by comparing ourselves to others. Thus I commit myself to when and as I observe others and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look at this guy or girl and what they have achieved!” to stop and breathe. I then consider only my original and current state of everything that I currently am an have achieved and continue to perfect self in relation only to my own life path. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I observe others how they struggle and experience discomfort and pain to feel good about myself. I realize that any energetic movement within myself when observing others how they suffer is a manifestation of pure evil and separation. Thus I commit myself to when and as I see others in a problematic situation and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look how funny they are when they suffer!” to stop and breathe. I then immediately place myself in the position of the individual that I observe and understand that I could equally be in the same position as they are. I then also see what I can do to diminish the suffering that others endure since we are all in this together.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within the DIP Lite free online course and to listen to the following related educational audios from Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence:

How to Transcend Shame and Transform It to Integrity
Shame, Shame, Shame
Wall of Shame
Shame & Self Forgiveness

Day 155: Painful manifestation on my butt

I seat a lot since my work is computer related. When I do something creative on my computer or if I watch some movie, I can seat for hours without standing up and I do not feel any physical discomfort. Despite of my bottom pressing again the chair for a long time, there are usually no long-term consequences of that. However occasionally I get some painful manifestations around the rectum that persist for several weeks and during that time it is very uncomfortable for me to seat on the chair and work with computer. Those manifestations are hardly visible to the naked eye, but when touched with the hand they feel like a hardened parts of the skin, usually elongated, like a vain, a few millimetres thick and a few centimetres long. Sometimes they include also a special painful spot, like a pimple however it is more solid and deeper than a common pimple. Such part of hardened skin with a very painful spot also manifested on my butt a week ago and this time I decided to do a deeper research about the cause of it in order to prevent it from reoccurring in the future.

Those of us who are part of Desteni group and walk Desteni I Process course for self-realisation have the privilege of support from experienced New Kinesiology practitioners. So I also scheduled a Skype session with one of them and explained my problem. The first thing that she indicated is that the painful manifestation on my buttocks is related to my mental processes. However she immediately also asked me if I already went to check it with a doctor because even though she tested out that it is a mind point, it may not automatically heal itself if and when I look at the mind point. Then she specified that the cause is a projection, specifically projecting emotions or expressions such as hostility, anger, hatefulness, selfishness, distance and irritation onto a person. In such emotional experience I reacted with sadness, guilt, remorsefulness, depression, tiredness, feeling stupid, inferiority and isolation. And the next related point that she indicated was a backchat of hatefulness, anger, hostility, criticism, selfishness, sarcasm and feeling hurt.

When I checked my memory what sorts of events I experienced around the time when the painful manifestation on my butt occurred I immediately remembered a visit of a policeman at my home. That policeman called me on the phone a day before and explained that he wants to talk to me since he is investigating a probable case of illegal money pyramid. I remember that immediately after the call, I had a massive backchat throughout the rest of the day and I imagined all kind of possible scenarios that might take place when he will arrive the next day. I have been pondering how to answer his questions, starting with introduction of myself. My encounters with police were very rare and I face them only several times in my life during the common traffic checks and when I reported couple of cases to them. However never have I been under investigation for anything illegal. Due to me wanting to be an example of a good person that does not harm anyone I wondered how even came so far that someone reported my activities as having something to do with breaking the law.

My core pattern that I have been transforming for the last several years has been fear about being criticised by others which is connected to my desire of wanting to get attention by impressing others with sharing of advanced knowledge and information. And I am still a bit sensitive about what others think about me especially if they blame me for something that I did not done or they perceive me as the opposite of how I want to be experienced by others. The next point that made me react especially to a person who has been in a role of policeman was information that I got in a study group where we researched the secret history and functioning of global legal and money system. It was explain that contrary to public believe that police is to protect us they are actually protectors of the public legal system that was created for the benefit of the Crown and the Pope who have been controlling and enslaving the humanity through religion and money system. Because as explained, by issuing of the birth certificate, we are turned into a legal fiction called the Person and taken all the human rights in exchange for the benefits of the public social system.

So the first thought that came through my mind after the policeman announced his visit was how shall I answer if he asks me if my name is Valentin Rozman. Because if I give him my full name as it stated on my birth certificate and my national ID card, legally I am confirming to be a legal fiction and will be handled as such. I started to project knowledge and information gained in the research group and created an enemy construct about the policeman. In my mind he was an evil representative of enslavement and abuse system with powers that he can use to arrest me and put me in jail. And because I was not skilled in legal terminology I would not be able to answer him in the way where my natural rights as a living human on land would be effectively protected. So I became quite scared and afraid what will happen when and as I face the policeman, especially because he will come to me in regards to a money related charges. About the operations that I have been involved in I have mede sure that all is legal and have several months ago contacted all the respective government agencies for them to confirm that everything that I have been doing is aligned with Slovenian legislation. Despite of knowing that the policeman will not be able to find any evidence of a criminal activity because all that I do is aligned with the law, I was still very uncomfortable due to possibility that he will be able to find something that I have missed to see.

When the next day the policeman came, I was surprised that he was not in the uniform, he just came in without introducing himself or asking me about my name and only after we sat down behind the table, he showed his badge and asked me about my birth date and place. He actually never asked for my name or any identification document. Then he explained that he came just to checked a few facts and that there is no person who suffered any damage due to my activities. He just needed to do some research on behalf of government financial agency in order to confirm that all is according to the law. We had quite a nice three hour talk where I enlightened him about many things that he was not aware of. Like that the fiat money system is actually the biggest theft in human history despite of being totally legal. All went fine however during the chat I noticed that I was still quite tense and in a slight emotional reaction because I did not consider the policeman as an equal but someone who is superior to me and is also in role of a someone who is violating natural rights despite of him probably thinking that what he does is for the good of the whole society.

After our chat I also sent him the proof of my previous communication with financial government agencies and their answers and I expect that this case will be closed soon. Now it is up to me to write some statements in order to transform my patterns of projecting blame and anger towards policeman and thus taking full self-responsibility for all the related reactions that me and no one else is responsible for:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label the person who announced his visit only as the policeman and not as an equal human being who is only temporary acting in a role of a policeman. I realise that I was the one who actually violated natural human rights of the human who came to me by not treating him as equal being. I commit myself to when and as a human comes to me and introduces themselves as a representative of certain organisation and my mind produces thoughts like: “Oh wow, this human has special right and powers and I must submit to him!” to stop and breathe. I then communicate with them with awareness that all beings are one and equal as life and that we do only express ourselves though different body interfaces and play certain roles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is no difference between the functioning of police in the United States and here in Slovenia. I realise that despite there are some general legal overlays that consider each country on this world equally, there are considerable differences about the legal system and functioning of the police in Slovenia. I commit myself to when and as I meet the policeman in Slovenia and my mind goes: “Remember the videos about how nasty police in the US treat the people so you have to equally be afraid of the police in Slovenia!” to stop and breathe. I then communicate with the Slovenian police not just with understanding that they are much less aggressive than in US but to also understand that they are humans like me and want to be equally treated with respect and kindness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a good person that has done nothing wrong and that I must not be approached with any allegations. I realise that despite of someone doing only good to others and treating them as one and equal, they can still be attacked and accused by others due to different fears, misunderstandings, unclarity, caution and projection of past experiences. I commit myself to when and as someone is treating me as a suspect of doing something wrong and my mind is producing thoughts like: “I feel deeply insulted for someone even thinking that I am capable of harming others since I am the guy who does nothing but good to others!” to stop and breathe. I then continue to listen what the accusation are calmly and explain my perspective without taking it personally and understanding that until others will also not take full responsibility for their participation in the mind, I will still have to face the consequences of their points of separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my responsibility is only to work on transforming my own mind patterns and after that my work is done and I can enjoy life in peace and happiness. I realise that this this is not true because we are all one and in this together and that no one is free unless we all are free. I commit myself to when and as I meet someone where I see that they are struggling with their mind patterns and I get thoughts like: “This is their own problem and I must not assist them but only leave them alone to face themselves!” to stop and breathe. I then support them the same as I have been supported by others in order to give forward what I have received within patience and persistence until all beings will transform their mind patterns to the level where we all will be able to live in harmony and abundance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in massive thinking about all possible sorts of scenarios of how the meeting with someone could look like immediately after someone announces that they want to meet with me. I realise that it is futile to think about how some event will look like in the future because such thinking is only separating me from what is currently here and is not assisting me in any way possible. I commit myself to when and as someone schedules a meeting with me and my mind starts to create all sort of imaginations about how the meeting might look like and what the results might be to stop and breathe. I then while waiting for the time of the meeting focus on being productive with what is here and prepare practically for that meeting and nothing more. The fact is that many scheduled meetings even do not take place since something can change and any meeting can thus be delayed or canceled even just a few minutes before the scheduled time of the meting.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Working Through Your Blame from the Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 154: Meeting Jehovah's Witness

Several days ago a man age around 40 dressed in a suit rang our house door bell. He gave me a leaflet and invited me to a meeting to discuss about life. I took a leaflet and just by the illustrations used I recognised that he is a member Jehovah's Witness religion group. At that time I was doing something and I expected the postman to arrive so I was surprised that someone else was at the door. Just that disappointment already created a subtle emotional reaction that then only started to accumulate. Then soon the postman actually came while I was still chatting with Jehovah's Witness at the main door. So I became dissatisfied that he is interfering with my communication with the postman that I expected. After the postman left I continued talking with the Jehovah's Witness and explained him my point of view until he eventually left knowing that he would not be able to convert me to his religion.

During the chat with Jehovah's Witness I remembered how my grandmother in her late years after her husband died and she moved to the retirement home, she also became member of this religion. She started to visit the meetings, read their bible however they did not let her to be baptised because she did not truly understand and accepted their belief. I drove her to their religious facility many times and I also attended a couple of session. In my past 15 years I read all the holy books of world religions that were available in our public library, I listened to many priests and gurus and also become part of several religions for a short period of time. I wanted to experience which religion is the best, which can explain the existence in the most detail and what explanation is actually the truth. 

Jehovah's Witness are definitely one of well organised religious groups that I met. Firstly they usually visit people's homes in couples. So I was a bit surprised that the guy who visited me was alone and I started to ask myself is this because number of their members had decreased and can not afford any longer to visit others in tandem. When in public Jehovah's Witness are also very well dressed, they keep detailed records who they have visited and what the response were and are very consistent. During the religious meetings they give excellent presentations with best sound equipment, dedicated stuff brings microphones to participants who want to say something and they have nice meeting halls. They are also very effective in raising funds and translating their texts to almost all world languages. 

However I learned during my research how religions were specifically created to mentally enslave humans, to control and divide us. I noticed how those who are part of Jehovah's Witness group are not capable of common sense and are equally possessed and blinded by their beliefs like any other religious groups. But the question here is if I have proved to be any better? Have I been teaching by my own example what is the utmost potential of human beings? The answer is no. Because it was not nice from me that I held quite emotional conversation with the poor guy only at the main house door and have not invited him to my living room. I know that he is blinded by religion but I have not become one and equal with him and was not effective in showing what is a better way for humanity to live in peace, abundance and mutual respect.

The point is that I have reacted to the visit of Jehovah's Witness from point of frustration, past experience projection, blame, spite, envy, fear, anger, hopelessness and superiority. And despite of consciously knowing what is the best approach in building a supportive relationships with other, I at that time did not applied those principles practically. Instead of becoming envy about their effectiveness to recruit new believers, it would be best for me to apply the principle of research everything and keep what is good. I could share the Desteni message with greater effect if I would invite the visitor to my living room and ask him about his life experiences and what lead him to becoming a Jehovah's Witness. Instead I emotionally reacted due to my belief that members of his religious group are so well brainwashed that trying to explain him anything that would challenge his beliefs it is a pure waste of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to react with emotion of disappointment when I opened the front house doors and instead of the postman there was someone else there. I realise that despite of expecting someone to come at certain time there is always a possibility that someone else will come at that time. I commit myself to when and as I notice that someone else has arrived instead of expected individual and my mind is producing thoughts like: “What the fuck is now this person doing here instead of the individual that I am expecting!” to stop and breathe. I then ask the unexpected person what they want and explain that currently I do not have time to talk with theme since I am expecting someone else to come however they can return later or schedule a meeting with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to react with emotion of superiority when I noticed that a member of religious group has come to visit me. I realise that Desteni message is about equality and oneness and that I am entitled to present myself as Destonian only if I also practically live Desteni principles in my everyday life. I commit myself to when and as I am confronted with people of religious views and my mind is producing thoughts like: “I must now quickly show how they are wrong and how I am right!” to stop and breathe. Then I engage in conversation with them, allowing enough time to create friendship, to research and understand their life story, what benefits they get from their religion and then to explain how humans do actually not need any religion but can live in harmony and mutual respect by simply following certain principles and taking responsibility for participating in our minds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with emotion of envy when the member of Jehovah's Witness started to present the facts about how many members they have across the world and in how many languages their information has been translated. I realise that it is not productive to be envy about achievements of others. It is much better to learn from others who are successful and to eventually become equally successful in what we want to achieve. I commit myself to when and as I notice the achievements of other and my mind goes like: “What the hell, I hate them so much for their achievements!” to stop and breathe. I then ask what is their secret recipe and pick their brains so that I can get smarter and more effective in making this world the best place for all. 

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled The Dawn of Religion from the Reptilians series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 150: The origin of excessive self-criticism

Initially this blog post was to be about how I experience myself towards men because in my previous blog I walked how I experience myself towards women. However after my Desteni I Process course buddy reviewed my previous post, she indicated that I only brushed some of the related points and suggested me to expand on those points in the following posts. So this writing will be expansion of the pattern of excessive self-criticism that is becoming more and more prevalent with increasing responsibility within my professional work. I have been in position of leading Slovenian promoter of Spurt alternative currency for almost one year now and since some predictions about when the currency will become convertible did not fulfil yet, people are pressing on me and some even accusing me of lying and walking away due to disappointment. And I definitely do not want to be labeled as a liar and loose my integrity.

I perceive myself as a good person with a sensitive heart and I experience minor hart arrhythmia several times during a day. However I am successfully able to stop it by focusing on my breath and in case when I feel that my hearth is being weakened too much due to stress and worry, I take a brake, do exercise, go out in the nature and recuperate. However I currently live a quite stressless life style and spend most of the time alone in my room where I can rest and have a peaceful retreat whenever I want. Most of the communication that I do with other people is via Facebook and if someone tents to bully me too much, I am able to simply block them and the situation is solved. I am having hard time to imagine how to handle strong personal attacks face to face. And this is especially because I know that some people are in low state of awareness and can get so emotionally possessed that they are incapable of hearing and understanding what is being said to them. So in liv events people can even physically attack and even kill you.

Cool examples of people that are masters in handling live personal attacks are politicians, especially presidents. I admired previous US president Barack Obama how he was able to handle people with directing his words and keeping his cool and the new president Donald Trump is even greater example of immunity to deepest public mocking. He even participates in TV comedy shows that targets his strange hair, orange tan, the way he speaks, his small hand and every single mistake that anyone can find in order to target him. And despite all of that, he remains centred, relaxed and focused on achieving his goals. This is definitely a level of self-confidence that also I want to achieve since I want to improve the current world system which means that I plan to become a public personality and in limelight of all sorts of media that will question everything that I do.

Now if I look what made me to become so sensitive to criticism and why I am also criticising myself a lot, let me start with my early age. One of the factors was that I was the the oldest child and they are generally expected to become a responsible example for the rest of the younger brothers and sisters. Then there is a public education system that systematically suppresses self-expression, individuality and forces you to become obedient part of society that respects authority. However what created excessive self-criticism was the projected low self-esteem of my father that escalated especially after I finished the middle school and became employee of his family graphic business.

So the first problem was that my father did not treated me as unique being with own self-expression and did consider me mostly as the product that was shaped by his own image. This is a common mistake that parent make since they ofter consider their children as a better version of themselves and want them to experience what they lacked to experience and prevent them to experience all the bad thing that they experienced when they were a child. This then creates tyranny and suppression towards their children that can be in the same way transferred from generation to generation. My father wanted me to excel in order to show my achievements to others. An when others would praise me he would feel like they are praising him personally. So in his eyes there was no difference between me and him and whatever I have done it was like he did it. Consequently also every criticism that I received was felt by him like he himself is being criticised. Thus he wanted to make sure that I never do any mistake and criticised every mistake that I made violently.

Consequences of my mistakes got especially significant weight when I started to do design and pre-press work in our family graphic company. I was the one who did the typesetting, colour separation of logos and created films for the screen-printing department that was managed by my brother. He then collected the graphic films, prepared the screen for each colour and printed any object that was necessary to print in the screen-printing technique. The objects that he printed on were sometime very cheap like transfer paper or self-adhesive foil, however some times he printed directly to T-shirts, bags, umbrellas, lighters and other promotional products. Some of those objects were very expensive and if they were be printed with a mistake in the content of the print, it resulted in a quite high cost of damaged goods that our company was responsible for. Not only that the high valuable products were ruined but it also resulted in a lot of wasted time and anger by my brother since he had to do all the time-consuming process of preparing the screens and printing machines again.

Since I was the only employee who did the pre-press in our company among also other jobs like creating signs from self-adhesive foil, I was under a lot of pressure and was pressed to work as fast as possible. I had to type on the computer fast and it is hard to be accurate and not to do any mistake under such pressure. When I would do some typing mistake, my brother went to my father to file a complaint and my father would then come to me with anger and instructing me to type slow, pressing only one key at a time order to be sure not to make any typing mistake again. That confused me quite a lot since he somehow expected me to type slow and perform fast at the same time. Obviously when my brother came to him to criticise me, he felt like himself is being criticised and then he criticised me in order for he as me not to be criticised again.

So the problem in every business process is how to handle errors and mistakes that also result in high cost of created damage. When someone writes a book, there is usually someone that was responsible for proofreading and editing of the text before printing so that there would be no mistakes in the final printed book. I wanted to implement a similar protocol in our company but the problem was selecting or providing a person that would take such responsibility. Most of the time it was me that sent the final design to the clients in order for them to check the validity of design content. However it was discovered that clients in most cases did not notice the error because their eyes saw what their mind expected to see and not what was actually there. Our company never hired any professional proofreader so it was mostly I that made the effort to check if any error existed and from time to time I did miss some and the game of blame repeated over and over again.

The reason why relationships and working conditions in our company did not improve was because my father was not honestly interested in quality. All he wanted was to be praised and his most powerful tool was a surprise tactic. He wanted to feel good by making others feel good when he would present a product that others would be excited by. So when someone would place an order he wanted to deliver the product as fast as possible and with as less complications as possible for his own sake of immediate emotional gratification. That is why he did not supported my initiative to communicate with a client during the production process and was especially not fun of clients taking the responsibility to proofread the content before the printing. What my father basically wanted is just to take the order and as soon as possible to visit the client, ring the door bell and make clients extremely excited about the finished product so he could feel good.

Eventually my father even started with his own spin-off project of original Gutenberg wooden printing press reconstruction where he would be able to be in the eyes of the public even more often and receive live compliments at cultural and historical events. Lack of his focus to management of our company business eventually lead to my decision to leave the job and establish my own business. And even now, many years after that event, I am still occasionally doing some long-distance work form my father where he is showing that he still did not learn the lesson. He still rather keeps communication with clients to minimum with hopes to surprise them as much as possible. However many times clients are far from being satisfied with him since many expect close collaboration and being asked if something about their order information is not clear enough. My father rather risks creating a big disappointment of his clients instead of making sure that none of the mistakes are made due to misunderstanding and wrong expectations.

Soon after I left our family company my brother convinced my father to take over the business which he did. Now he is also in the position of doing the pre-press job so he has the opportunity to experience the taste of his own medicine. Now he has no one to complain to for any design mistakes that he makes however we do not communicate much and I did not ask him what process he has implemented to prevent the mistakes and creation of costly damage. And I also after becoming freelance designer had to pay attention that the final product is correct. I made sure that clients reviewed the final drafts and that by signing they took full responsibility for any material cost that could manifest in the process of design reproduction. Eventually I transitioned to focus only on professional photography where there is no danger of creating a mistake in the content. I simply captured the picture of the reality as it manifested in the moment. However when I decided to do also the wedding photography, I was again challenged a lot because there were important moments in the ceremony that I was not allowed to miss and also the processing of the photos had to be very different that in documentary photography.

The question here is how much I was responsible for the mistakes that I made in my life. Because as I already became aware of in my previous posts, I played an energetic emotional polarity game with my father, similar like my father and my mother did. I wonder how many times I subconsciously made a deliberate typing mistake in order to retaliate for emotional abuse of my father and how in such cases have equally gave priority to experience emotional energy of self-pity instead of removing all energy addictions and actually creating a sustainable solution for the production problems in our company. And how much I enjoyed to be the only one who did the design and pre-press work in our company in order for only our family members to be in the key production positions instead of expanding and allowing also for other people to become employees and support the production for the mutual benefit of all workers and clients equally.

So one thing that I see as important is to remove all energy addictions and to actually perform based on the principles of what is best for all. And then to also understand that mistakes will happen from time to time since one is able in every moment to have control only about limited things in this existence. So forgiveness and especially self-forgiveness are necessary to be applied as often as possible. A fine example of such forgiveness has been demonstrated in the short Public Statement video by Dave Schmidt where he apologised for his assumptions and stepping over the limit. And I also want to develop more humility and ability to repent and to feel real shame for all actions where I acted based on self-interest and was directed by energy of the mind instead of principle of what is best for all. Because I also in quite large extend copied the pattern of my father where I wanted the attention from other people. The difference is only that I did not use physical products in oder to impress others but used high and very advanced knowledge and information to achieve the same result.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my father for being addicted to good feelings of being praised. I realised that I also developed similar pattern and thus I have no right to judge him. I commit myself to when and as I think about my father with thoughts like: “He is such an emotional manipulator and I am so much better than him!” to stop and breathe. I then rather focus on my own weaknesses and make sure that I remove them as many as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to punish my father by playing the game of self-victimisation, self-pity and giving up on myself. I realise that staying in such polarity role is only sabotaging myself since it limits my potentials and prevents my self-expression. I commit myself to when and as I interact with my father and my thought go like: “You are welcome to demand from me anything that you want but I will show you how much you have hurt me and how much I still suffer!“ to stop and breathe. I then communicate with him without any resentment, create mutual agreement and work for him equally as for any other being. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my father for not providing a system of proofreading while I was working for him. I realise that even when I have worked as a freelancer I did not collaborate with any professional proofreader and have made my clients responsible for any costs that might occur by reproduction of design with error. I commit myself to when and as I look at how my father managed our business and my mind goes: “He was so irresponsible for not providing a professional proofreading system!“ to stop and breathe. I then rather focus on my current work and make sure to provide a better system for my clients in order to prevent as many mistakes as possible. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to fear presenting myself in the public due to danger of being criticised. I realise that this fear does not originate in others behaving irresponsible but is result of my addiction to self-victimisation and projecting blame towards others. I commit myself to when and as someone criticises me and my mind goes: “Oh now, this world is so unjust and I am such a poor innocent victim!“ to stop and breathe. I then listen to words of criticism and admit that I was wrong if some mistake that I make has been exposed or I stand my ground and defend my integrity if I recognise the criticism as nothing but lies. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear admitting that I made a mistake and to fear apologising myself. I realise that we all constantly learn by trial end error and that making mistakes is part of being alive. I commit myself that to when and as I make a mistake and my mind produces thoughts like: “Quickly hide what you have done and save face in order for your track record not to have any black spots!” to stop and breathe. I rather apologise for my mistakes, learn from them and not allow others to continue bullying me by repeatedly reminding me about all the mistakes that I made in the past.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Respect, Integrity, Trust and Honour from The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 145: Embarrassed in front of the dancing class

A similar memory that I walked in my previous blog post is being embarrassed by a dancing teacher in front of other classmates. Around age of 30 one of my female friends asked me if I would be willing to be her partner at tango dancing class. I liked this girl quite a lot and considered her a potential life partner. I did made several attempts to hit on her but she responded with letting me know that she does not enjoy the way I approached her. So I was very happy to see that she invited me to a dancing class with hopes that this might be a gathering that will being us closer together.

A couple of years before that friend invited me to a tango dance class I have attended many basic standard dancing classes at private music and dancing school called Tango. However that did not mean that the school was specialised in giving tango dancing lessons, that was just a name that the founder of the school picked out. We did have a couple of standard tango dancing lessons while I visited that school but I did not have any opportunities to practice dancing afterwards.

When my girlfriend invited me to a tango dancing class she told me that it will be just a couple of sessions in span of one weekend. When we arrived at the dancing hall for the first time I noticed that she was surprised to find out that the kind of tango that will be taught was not a classic but the Argentinian tango. She kinda missed that detail of information. And what we found out very soon was that there are big differences between those two kinds of tango. Not only that but we realised that it was also not a beginners class but a very advanced class. So we struggled very hard to keep with the pace of the lessons or better to say, we were unable to fit in.

And there was also a very unpleasant experience for me where I failed to fulfil the ideals of the dancing teacher in the most basic matter. It was the occasion where dancing teacher wanted to check out the way how our bodies move. So the first thing that he instructed all class participants was to form a very big circle. Then each one of us was to walk diagonally across the floor from one side of the circle to the opposing one. When the participants would finish the walk, they would receive an applaud and the praise about their grace of movement was given to them.

Eventually it was my turn to do the walk. So I stated to move my body and I took the long walk across the hall while others would watch me carefully. However when I arrived at the other side, the dancing teacher started to lough loudly and criticise the way I walked. He said that I absolutely do not know how to walk and that had never seen anyone walk more clumsily than me. I was very shocked and started to feel ashamed since never before anyone told me that there was something wrong with the way I walked. And I became also angry about the dancing teacher since I considered it wrong to behave in so insensitive way towards his dancing class attendees.

That event created quite a deep impression within me and after that when I would walk down the street I would often think that other are observing me and judging the way I walk. And there was also a related event several years later when I visited Desteni farm. Once when I had a conversation with Bernard he would with strong voice criticise the way I walk wanting to somehow show me that by waking as the way I did I am showing some kind of personality that was not in the best interest of all. And several years later I was also interviewed by some private TV channel and they also recorded some scenes of me while walking in the forest. However I never saw the recording of that interview and I am even not sure that it was aired at all. That created additional backchat and increased thinking that I am walking so strange that other even do not want to publicly show the recording of my walk.

Up to this day I am still asking myself what the hell is suppose to be wrong with the way I walk. And I also did never seen any video recording of me while walking. I wonder if the way I walk had changed in the past years due to progressing in the process of self-realisation. Maybe I did walked before in a way where it was shown that my body is very stiff and not very fluid in movement due to my past professional career where I would sit in front of computer for the most of the time. Maybe I now walk differently and no one has any reason to criticise my walk anymore. Anyway, I am recently careful to pay attention on my physical body while I walk and make sure that my walk is very relaxed, that I feel comfortable and that I do not allow myself to give any attention to the thoughts where I would think that others are observing and criticising the way I walk or look like. I have considered also to specifically made an effort to record the way I walk in order to observe how I actually move for my own self-reflection. But I do not consider this very important at this time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blindly accept the invitation from my friend to join her at a tango dancing class with expectation that she knows exactly what the class will be about. I realise that other people might not take proper time and focus to understand what some event is about and can come to a false conclusion. I commit myself to when someone invites me to some event and my mind produces thoughts like: “Just say yes and trust them since they must know what the event is about and that I will also enjoy it!” to stop and breathe. I then take time to do my own research and cross-reference if expectations of the one who invited me are aligned with the actual detailed description of the event plans.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that if someone is in a role of a teacher they must follow a proper conduct of behaviour and be careful not to say anything that will make their class attendees uncomfortable. I realise that any person who is sometimes also in a role of a teacher is also in process of self-realisation and that I must not expect from anyone to be nothing but perfect. I commit myself to when and as any teacher makes a degrading remark about me and my mind goes: “They should not say that and hurt my feelings since they are a teacher and must respect me completely and unconditionally!“ to stop and breathe. I then within awareness that all are in the process of self-transformation and that none of the remarks is to be taken personally communicate with the teacher and support them as one and equal in realisation how they can improve their communication with other by taking full self-responsibility for their own mind projections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hurt by the remark of the native Argentinian tango teacher that laughed at the way I walked. I realise that in Argentina they have a very different culture where most of residents practice their form of tango from a very young age and thus they also develop a more fluid and gracious way of physical body movement. I commit myself to when and as some skilled professional criticises something that I have done and my mind comes up with thoughts like: “Oh no, I am such a bad person who should be deeply ashamed of what I have done!“ to stop and breathe. I then with full understanding of the whole history of that professional communicate with them and explain that we all have different past experiences that shaped us and that they should not expect from others to excel the sam way as they do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for previous comments about the way of how I walk to haunt me. I realise that some comments were made from the points of separation and some were made with intent to support me in developing myself. I commit myself to when someone is commenting the way I move and I start to think: “Poor me, does really no one love and accept me for who I am?” to stop and breathe. I then communicate with the person who gave the comment and ask for a detailed explanation in order to understand if they want to actually support me or if they are only projecting their own points of separation. If I see that the comments are manifestation of emotions like spite, envy or competition, I dismiss the comments completely. And if the comments proved to be supportive in terms of showing me how my specific body movement express my patterns od self-limitation, I take them into account and use them to correct myself with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I go out for a walk to think about the possibility that someone is watching me and criticising the way how my physical human body moves. I realise that while someone might observe me when I am outside in the public, all judgments about my body movements are their own responsibility and have nothing to do with me. I commit myself to when and as I am outside and use my human physical body as medium of transportation or self-expression and my mind start to produce thoughts like: “Pay attention that you move in such a way that you fit into the crowd and not stand out in any way since others will start to criticise or even attack you!” to stop and breathe. I then if I am walking or running pay attention that my human physical body is as relaxed as possible and that it moves as naturally as possibly. And if I use my body to express myself while doing some movements that others might find strange, to disregard what others might think and express myself fully, following the natural flow of movements within complete oneness with my human physical body.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-assisting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Embarrassment and Personalities from the Atlanteans series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 142: Natural Cure for Cold Feet

You are reading the 6th consecutive blog post about cold feet or cold legs symptom that I have been experiencing for about last 10 years. For the full context of this process, I invite you to firstly read my previous related blog posts titled (1) The cause for cold legs where I discovered that one of the causes is separating me from myself by creating a constant self-criticism character, (2) Home remedy for cold feet where I walked the first contributing memory of my father painfully punishing me in my early childhood, (3) Solution for perpetually cold feet where I expanded the previous point of blame from perspective of defensive character that I develop in regards to my father punishing met, (4) Why are my legs always freezing cold where I faced the third important memory of being bullied by classmates during the first years of middle school and (5) Cold Feet Symptoms, Causes and Treatments where I went into my memory of not being accepted to middle school of photography and design. In this blog post I will be facing the next event that I feel influenced me psychologically in causing my cold legs syndrome which is resentment towards my father for pressuring me too much during my employment at our family business after I finished the middle school.

So, my father was originally a chimney sweep and my mother worked as midwife. Then my father progressed and became head of steel factory air purification system. After that he started to produce innovative products for the steel industry that already in the start of my middle school study developed in our family business. But then my father imported sign-making CNC machine from USA and due to recession in steel industry, we transformed into visual communications company. That was the breaking point since me and my brother became main production workers and my father took a role of bringing in the orders and providing all the tools and materials for the production. I as the only one skilled with computers was assigned tasks of digitalisation and vectorisation of logos, cutting them from self-adhesive foil rolls, assembling and mounting the signs and I also did the pre-press and films production for department of screen-printing that was managed by my younger brother.

The problem was that I was in the position where I had to spend most of time sitting in front of computer and using keyboard and mouse to create designs that were then used in my sign-making and also in brother's screen-printing department. The tasks that required direct involvement of my brother were only preparing the printing screens and initial phase of printing machines alignment and for printing of complete number of orders he was able to use additional hired man power. However every phase of the computer related and non computer related manufacturing process in my department was so demanding that I was the only one with sufficient knowledge and skills. And I had also the biggest responsibility since every mistake in the initial design process that was then reproduced before it was discovered meant a big time and financial cost for our company.

Additional nuisance was that my brother during his childhood develop a character of a joker and had been constantly seeking attention like by crawling silently under the table and scaring me. So while he had excessive time and wanted to play with me, my new job required a full focus and quiet environment. Then he even started to seek additional attention from my father in form of finding any mistake that I would make that day and when my father would return home from trip to clients, he would tell on me. My father then came to me and started to criticise me with anger for reported mistakes and he also could not comprehend that I only made a little progress with computer designs while he made many deals with the clients and traveled with his car hundreds of kilometres in the same time. The bottom line is that I was constantly pressured by my father and I had to do my job with less mistakes and much faster.

This progressed to the stage where I have been working from morning to evening even during weekends and I felt that whatever I do and no matter how much I try, I will never meet the expectations of my father. I was deeply disappointed that he treated me even worse than any other employee that worked in our company while I expected from him to understand and respect me more than others since I was his son and part of the family. I felt like the lowest level slave and disciplined to obey and perform as instructed by my father without seeing any way of escape. I felt into a trans-like state where I started to perceive the virtual computer reality as more real that the outer physical reality. Eventually I had to seek professional help and started to visit public psychologist. Sessions where I was able to speak out my mind without being criticised assisted me a lot and I was able to regain sufficient level of mental stability. However I still felt trapped and I knew that as long I would live in the same three-storey house where we had manufacturing facilities in the ground floor and my brother and parents would live with me in the top two floors, I would be still treated only as a production slave.

When I met my first girlfriend while I had as representative of our company visited the home business of one of our biggest client, I saw the opportunity of escape. Just couple of weeks after I met my girlfriend, we decided to move out of houses of our parents into our own flat. When I told my father that I am moving out, he made an incredible big emotional drama believing that I am by moving away telling him and all the world that he is a terrible parent. Then in the next four years, my parents firstly influenced my girlfriend and me to move twice to a new apartment closer to their house. And my father continued to pressure me and also used my girlfriend as a messenger who tried to convince me to work at my father's company for a bit longer and do yet some additional urgent jobs. All this accumulated to the point where my girlfriend decided to break up with me and move out from my apartment. This was the breaking point where I then decided to completely stop working for my father and started working as a freelancer.

Now I will look at relevant interactions and regain my footing by forgiving myself all the projected points of separation where I made others responsible for my own decisions in events as described above:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to work as the only computer specialist in our company while if I really wanted to could persist in educating co-workers to be equally skilled with computers as I was. I realise that decision for me to work as the only IT guy was also influenced by me and other family members to allow the most responsible work to be shared only among family members in order to keep the business in boundaries of our family line and not wanting to expand much to also include those who are not part of our bloodline. The starting point was to keep it small and manageable to fit the available space in the ground floor and not needing to build additional manufacturing facilities or even a new factory on a new location. When and as I look at the memories of the period when I was employed by my father and my mind produces thoughts like: “I suffered because I was pressed to much by my father and he is the one who has the full responsibility for that!“ to stop and breathe. I then see and realise my own participation in the events where I was equally responsible for the decision of working alone since it also fitted me best considering all the circumstances in that period of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be mad about my younger brother who has been constantly seeking the attention by secretly scaring me while I was working with computer. I realise that I did not take time to explain to him how my new job requires me to focus and that I can not allow myself to be distracted anymore. I commit myself to when and as I am doing some task that requires full focus from me and then someone disturbs me and my mind goes like: “What the fuck, just tell this guy to go away and leave me alone!“ to stop and breathe. I then take the time to openly and in detail communicate with the guy who wanted my attention to see if it is something urgent, to explain peacefully that I am doing some job where I do not want to be disturbed and if my attention is needed to schedule a time where me and the guy would be able to get together and communicate about the desired matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed for the good feelings of being something more to direct my decisions about how to deal with work tasks. I realise that I had listened to many conversations where my father praised my achievements in front of our family company clients and I felt good about it. Thus I decided to work alone in order not needing to share the deserving attention with anyone else which was pure expression of my self-interest. I commit myself to when and as I contemplate the approach how to get some job done and my mind is trying to convince me into thinking like: “Best to do it only by yourself and not allow for any co-workers to mess up things!” to stop and breathe. A then rather consider all the options, including sharing the work load with others and do it in a way where best interest of the client is considered and also the interests of all other people who have necessary skills, will and time to assist in completing the job in the most professional, timely and cost-effective way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to give relationship with my parents the most important meaning among all the relationships in my life. I realise that while my parents were the one who provided for my survival in my early years of my childhood and thus started to consider me as part of themselves, my responsibility is also in teaching them that children are also independent beings that need to develop sovereignty and not constantly counting for their parents to save them when they get into trouble. I commit myself to when and as I have some challenge in my life and my mind goes like: “Immediately contact your parents and firstly see if they are the one who can help you!“ to stop and breathe. I then consider all the options that anyone that I know can assist me with and treat my parents equally as anyone else who can help me. And I commit to especially see for myself how I created the situation, how I can get out from it by myself and how to change in order not to get in any undesired situation again in the future. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimise myself during the period of being employed by my father where I felt that I worked to much and had too little time to relax myself and develop my own independent personal life. I realise that during all my career there I had in very single moment the opportunity to negotiate working hours and my free time however it was myself who became overexcited by computers and creating sign and satisfying clients. I commit myself to when and as I plan my daily tasks and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Isn't that job just so excited? Why don't you do just some more tasks and you will relax later.“ to stop and breathe. I then look at how my physical body feels and what is telling me and always consider my well-being as top priority at all my decisions. I realise that work is never done as there will always be something to do. So best to relax regularly and take good care of myself in order to avoid unnecessary consequences in form of pain, illness or injury.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-assisting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Under pressure from the Life Review series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answer to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 96: Money Money Money

Days from 92 to 95 are in my Slovenian blog

I was thinking lately about my mind patterns in regards to money. I asked myself why I was not able to generate wealth with the same ease as some others did. So I decided now to write these points out and see what I discover and realize within that.

As every child I became used for parents to provide for everything I needed. My father was firstly employed in the factory but then started our family business. Even though I was formally employed in our company I have not been receiving salary but had to ask parents to buy me stuff or give me some allowance. Only at age of 25 when I moved to my own apartment and won to work only 8 hours per day, I started to receive salary.

And also then my parents pressured me to continue to work at our or their company and supported me in buying my own apartment. At age of 27 I registered my own business and started earning money on my own. Since I had no expenses with the rent, I generated enough income very easy. I worked just for couple of hours a day and earned enough for the food and invested the rest in the research and development of the projects that I liked.

Three years ago I decided to sell my apartment and move to Ljubljana capital city. I decided for a big apartment where I would live and also work in my studio. The rent was very high and also additional monthly costs. However due to large sum of money from the apartment sale I did not worry about running out of money soon. However now after three years of investing in projects and spending money on travel and networking, I got myself unprepared for the fact that all the money is gone.

I kinda lost track of how much money I have and how much money I need to generate in order to stay in the big expensive apartment. Also the economic situation did its toll and from the business services that I offered there were not enough clients to cover all the expenses. Thus I recently decided to move to smaller and cheaper apartment. Now I am thinking what I have to do in order to improve my financial situation and raise myself high up from the ashes. 

During my regular walks in the nearby hills with the woods I find myself surrounded by plants and think about how Mother Nature is giving us all what we need for free. And we the humans then put price tags on things and sell them to each other. All the land is owned by someone and if you want to have stuff, you have to have money. This fact about money and putting price tags to things that are free seems to me very bizarre and unnatural.

Thus I also find very difficult putting the price tags on my services and deciding what the values of my products should be. I would rather do things for free but this is unrealistic in the system that we currently have. So even though I would rather change the system into something like Equal Money System where a dignified life is unconditionally guaranteed for all, I have to consider current state of reality and then create changes within and as the current system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to give up due to believe that current world system is all fucked up, that humans are parasites and that it is best for the world for all humans to die out instead of realizing that self-pity and blame is unproductive and I just waste my life and potentials.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed not to track my incomes and outcomes and thus not being aware of my current financial status instead of realizing that tracking money flow is the foundation of successful human life in the current system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe that if I charge money for my services I within this take money from other people and thus they will have less money instead of realizing that the function of money is to exchange products and services and that money is a recyclable medium.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to perceive that people do not have money due to financial crisis and thus bearing to charge money for my services to others instead of realizing that currently there is only about 13% rate of unemployment in our country which means that 87% people have jobs and thus also money and that I can also sell my services to basically anywhere in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to associate business success and wealth with stressful life instead of realizing that rich people manage up to 50 different companies however they use methods of time and priority management where they delegate their employees and thus have even more time freedom that working alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to indulge in watching movies for many hours per days, thinking that that would relax me and free from the anxiety of my life challenges instead of realizing that watching pictures is dumbing my brain down and turning me into even more lazy person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that rich people are corrupt and have gathered their money only by criminal activities instead of realizing that everyone's life story is different and that some could be involved in some dirty business, however there are also a lot of hones and supportive ways of making money where a great value is added to society and this world.

I commit myself to read books every morning every evening as suggested my successful people since leaders are readers and reading is very important to develop focus and become more effective in this world.

I commit myself to keep detailed record of all my incomes and outcomes to the last cent and do weekly and monthly stats of my income, outcomes and profit since this is a must for every person who wants to live successful life in the current money system.

I commit myself to associate with wealthy people and get advise about what they do in order to I also become equally successful since if you want to become someone, you have to mimic these people.

Day 30: Schooling in Slovenia self-forgiveness

In the previous post of this blog I have written about the challenges of elementary schools in Slovenia. I will now look into what I have accepted and allowed and transform my thinking and behavior from passive observer and being victim of circumstances to active participant and creator of the world system that is best for all.

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the current public education system to be as it is without ever questioning its credibility and quality, instead of realizing that our schools are far away from being effective in preparing children for life and they need a drastic improvement.
   
   
2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the education system to be by the image of industry, where every child enters the school based on the age, is then put in the class of about 30 children and then taught the same material as others in the same way and expected the same results as it would be a robot and not a living being, each with a different background, talent and desires.
   
   
3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed money to direct the quality of education where rich people can buy a much better education for their children while the majority of children whose parents have low income are destined to experience a low quality of free public elementary schooling.
   
   
4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe that simply by finishing university I am a professional, ready to meet all the challenges in life, instead of realizing that even the psychology graduates who are expected to know how the mind works are not properly educated in essential life skills.
   
   
5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed not to realize that parents are the most important educators since they influence and transfer their thinking and behavior patterns on their children to the extent that is bigger than anything else that influence children in their lives and that the responsibility of the parents in this world is such that no one is to be allowed to have children before being properly educated how to raise children.
   
   
6. I commit myself to direct myself towards research how our education system works and influence it towards becoming effective in giving a child all the necessary skills and knowledge so that we would be all able to live here in this world as equals and with mutual support and understanding.

Day 25: Relationship breakup self-forgiveness

In the previous two posts of this blog I wrote about my decision to break up with my girlfriend that lived with me for about 4 years. In this post I will take self-responsibility for my decisions in regards to this relationship and correct my behavior patterns in order not to do the same mistakes again.

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to feel hurt and disappointed since my first girlfriend after three years of living together left me instead of realizing that the reason was not me hurting her in any way but her desire to be in relationship where her partner would abuse her as here father abused her on a daily basis.
   
   
2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed not to initiate any relationship with girls since I did not want to be hurt again and rather waited for the girls to initiate contact with me instead of realizing that rejection is a part of life and that it is best to stay emotionally stable regardless if a girl rejects or accepts me.
   
   
3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to indulge my last girlfriend who made a lot of effort to become my partner for constantly calling me and sending me messages for over a year and then accepted her in spite of initially not liking her very much instead of realizing that person who has issues by accepting NO will also be incapable of equal communication in the long run.
   
   
4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to feel good when my last girlfriend praised my body details and told me how incredible and beautiful I am instead of realizing that physical obsession is never a good starting point of a relationship and that what makes relationship work is ability of both partners to effectively communicate and understand each other execute what is mutually agreed.
   
   
5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to wait for so long for my last girlfriend to start her process of inner transformation instead of realizing that her reluctance is so strong that she will not start the process unless I break up with her and leave her to face the consequences of her mind patterns on her own.
   
   
6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed not to see how being in a relationship with I person who thinks that money is the root of all evil and that lot of money automatically corrupts you is influencing me to such extent that even I have started to experience problems with earning money instead of realizing this issue sooner and split with the person with such limiting believes.
   
   
7. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be afraid of connecting with girls that I like since by comparing my body with movie actors and magazine celebrities I defined my body as less attractive and thus not being worthy of relationship with the girls who I find attractive instead of realizing that what body shape is not what others are attracted by but the confidence and self-esteem that one expresses by non-verbal communication.
   
   
8. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to live my life from the state of passive observer and admire achievements of others, believing that I am incapable of achieving high goals due to my physical looks instead of realizing that even people with strong disabilities have been able to do amazing things and thus I am also more than able to achieve much more that I currently perceive to be my limits.
   
   
9. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be paralyzed by the energy of fear and stop in moving forward instead of accepting any challenge in my life as an opportunity to grow and expand by looking deep inside me and pointing out what kind of accepted believe is creating this inner conflict and energy of fear and removing it with assistance of self forgiveness.
   
   
10. I commit myself to open myself to opportunity of meeting a more supportive partner in my life and testing her level of ability and preparedness of becoming my agreement where we would both actively walk our process and support each other as equals.
    
    
11. I commit myself to when and as I see a girl that I like, I breathe and remain here and not allow for her physical characteristics to overwhelm me but engage in the conversation as equals and then by asking questions find out if we she has a thinking patterns compatible with mine to the level that is worth of engaging in a relationship.

Day 20: Expectations self-forgiveness

These are my self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements in regards to my thinking patterns from the previous post of this blog.

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to become totally excited and thrilled for the subjects that I faced in different periods of my life and to fanatically share my believes in regards to the subject, considering others as stupid and less in value if they do not share the same excitement for the subject with me, instead of realizing that perspectives on any subject change based on the perception of observer and awareness.
   
   
2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to define a product or service as something more than others and thus creating energy of good feelings instead of understanding that all products and services are just different shapes and have different use.
   
   
3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe that something that I hear or read is absolute true purely because the messenger is presented as expert on its field, instead of realizing that any opinion is just a personal view of on individual and is limited by its current state of awareness and is also influenced by the starting point of the statement.
   
   
4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to expect that everyone has to buy the product that I sell instead of realizing that in the moment of my presentation person can either have different interests or priorities or they currently do not have enough money to buy the product.
   
   
5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to want to be praised for the products or services that I offer and thus allowing the driving force of my activities to become the good public image, instead of understanding that any product that I would ever sell is for some people appropriate at that time and for some not and that it is best to engage in sales activities without any desire for attention from others.
   
   
6. I commit myself that when and as I engage in sales activities, I breathe effectively, remain here, explain the benefits of the product, ask questions and overcome objections and understand that the product is not for everybody and thus accepting YES or NO with the same state of inner stability and equality.