Day 194: Allowing myself to be pushed to push myself to push others

In January 2020 I took a certified Life Coaching course. I became very excited about how powerful the coaching approach is in terms of assisting coachees in a relatively short time period to reach very high awareness of their life situation, to identify the obstacles, and to find solutions to overcome them. I found coaching to be something that I can deeply impact others by while allowing me not to activate my past selfish character of wanting to feel good by impressing others with the amount of advanced knowledge that I acquired. The fact that coaches are not supposed to be people who give advice, consult or teach and that their main purpose is to only mirror coachees, felt very liberating to me. However, there are some aspects of the coaching business that I do not like.

I learned from one of the coaches who is teaching his Natural Enrollment Method that establishing trust is an important part of the process to get clients. And it takes a lot of time to build rapport to the level where others become comfortable with opening themselves to you as a coach. So while coaching is very powerful it also requires readiness from the coachees to be vulnerable and courageous for them to get the most out of the coaching process. There must be a willingness to change and investment of time and money from their side in order for the coaching process to begin. And for that to happen there is a requirement from me to initially invest a lot my time and money in order to present the power of the coaching process to them and also to present myself as someone who is highly qualified for effective execution of such services and that I am also someone who they can trust with absolute certainty in terms that I will keep whatever they share with me to myself.

In recent months due to the Coronavirus or Covid-19 global event, I found it hard to get enough clients for my coaching business. One factor was my own fears about how far the changes within society will go and how that might influence me personally in a negative way. So all the media information that portrayed the virus as something very dangerous and the quarantine and economy shutdown as something justified definitely distracted my ability to focus on running a coaching business. Instead of investing my time in promoting my services, I spent many hours in research what is actually going on behind the scene of supposed global virus pandemic. And I have been occupied a lot by sharing interesting discoveries about what is the most probable truth all over the social media networks. I also had doubts that I would actually be effective with my coaching services to assist others since the global situation has been changing very fast and has impacted everyone extensively.

What I also noticed is that with the coaching business I definitely am pushing myself out of my comfort zone and consequently I have been experiencing a resistance. A point that I find most challenging is the energetic addition to feeling good. A great number of my past activities have been driven by wanting to prove to others that I am better than them in terms of my knowledge and skills. Consequently, in order for me to maintain my status as a superior being, I did not allow others to reach my level of excellence. That manifested in the form of being envious towards others, analyzing their activities and exposing any of their imperfections, and bullying them for that. So while I am now pushing myself to genuinely assist others to become the best version of themselves, I sometimes experience energy lows due to the persistence of the previous wiring of my mind.

Coaching has also introduced a new dynamic to my life in terms of scheduling. Previously I have been working on projects where I did not have to be so strict with time. For example, when I was doing a creative job and someone ordered me to produce some design or a photo, those were projects that took days, weeks or even months to complete. So just one client kept me occupied for a long time and I had the freedom to work on the project whenever I felt inspired during the day and thus not having to look at the clock very often. And in regards to working for my father, I fit his needs the most if I am available for him as soon as he calls me and to work as long until what he needs from me has been completed. Thus I find it more comfortable if there are others who contact me and give me work because they know what to expect from me and I can take all the time that is needed for me to complete the works to a level that I am satisfied with. And I preferred to have as much free time as possible after executing my creative work until I would be given the next order.

At the business of coaching, there must be people who order the coaching services in order for themselves to be pushed out of their comfort zone. In order for this to happen something has to happen for them to motivate them into desiring to be pushed out of the comfort zone by the method of coaching. And for me to sell the coaching method in general and then me as the coach that others would want to hire, I have to initially push myself out of my comfort zone. So I am also pushing myself to be in groups of people like Destonians that push me to increasingly push myself to push others and thus we have become many who are pushing each other out of our comfort zones in order to break free from of our limitations and to expand ourselves as much as possible. Consequently, we would in time not push each other down anymore due to desire to be more than others but push others up to the level where we can coexist as equals and live our utmost potentials.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my father as someone that I must maintain my relationship with my whole life since I owe him for raising me and that I have to take care for him when he will be older and less capable similar than he took care for me when I was a todler and also less capable of taking care for myself. I realize that my relationship with him is based on him wanting me to feel like I owe him by him telling me many times that I have not repayed yet even for the milk that he purchased for me in my childhood years. I commit myself whenever my father wants me to do something and my mind produces thoughts like: “I have to serve him fast and well since I owe him my life.” to stop and breathe. I then with gratefulness for what he has done for me consider how I can fulfil his current needs however without allowing him to extort things from me by diminshing me and making me feel bad since that is just his projection of his own lack of self-trust and feeling of inferiority as the consequence of his childhood experiences that include loosing his father at a very young age.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider opinion of my father as more important that opinions of others and consequently doing mostly things which I can impress him with. I realize that by me wanting to impress my father I am equally diminishing myself like he is diminishing himself by wanting to impress others and consequently I am responsible for this limiting pattern of selfish interest and energetic addiction to continue in our bloodline. I commit myself when and as am deciding what to do, and my mind produces thoughts like: “Do something that you will be able to impress your father positively as much as possible with so that he will be proud of you.” to stop and breathe. Instead of that I decide for activities where I consider all life as equal and that have a long-term consequence outflow that are best for all being in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I would not be able to handle big projects since I get exhausted alreday by doing small projects, especially when I do design activities for my father. I realize that feeling of exhaustion comes from the negative energy of feeling heavy as the polarity of my desire for the positive energy of upliftment that is generated when I feel proud and as someone more after I have done something for my father and he then praises my work, especially in front of other people. I commit myself when and as I do things for other people, especially for my father and my mind it producting thougths like: “Do things in such a way that you will be able to feel good about yourself since positive feelings are what life is all about.” to stop and breathe. Within the realization of how any energetic experience, regardless if being negative or positive, is exhausting my physical body and eventually creating the feeling of polarity oposite, I decide for my starting point for doing anything to be creation of something paractical and tangible, that contributes to making this world a better place for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present my advanced knowledge and computer skills to my father with intention to impress him and intimidate him in order to maintain my superiority towards him instead of realizing that I am by such attitude being the same kind of bully that he has been many times towards me in the past. I commit myself when and as I communicate to my father and my mind is producing thought like: “Show him that he is not able to grasp everthing that you are capable of knowing and doing so that he will be able to admire you.” to stop and breathe. Instead of that I decide when and as I communicate with him to become one and equal with him in terms of using vocabulary that he is able to understand and to also take time to teach him computers skills so that he can increase his capability of independently using the latest gadgets and devices. 

Some additional related Eqafe supportive audios:

Pushing and Pulling Time
Moods Ruled My Life
Daddy Issues
Despite My Best Intentions
My Life of Absolutism
Inequality and Separation in Your Mind
Pride
Discovering self Pride
Losing Self Value Through Validation
Asking for & Accepting Help

Day 181: How my curiosity became superiority

I grew up in quite a supportive family environment where I was able to develop many physical and intellectual skills. My parents assured a pretty balanced life for me and my brother since we spent a lot of time hiking in nature, however, we also got to use a lot of different toys and the latest electronic devices. I enjoyed learning, discovering new things and experimenting. There were also some limiting factors of my over-protective father who was not skilled at showing emotions and had was not enough skilled in verbal communication. So instead of patiently verbalizing his thoughts, he used physical force to punish me and my brother if we did not obey him or produced some damage. That, of course, imprinted as traumatic experiences and resulted in resentment towards him. However, if I compare my childhood experiences with my classmates, they were much better than the experiences of others.

I see that my father tried to be the best parent that he could and was a very capable provider in terms of physical assets. He made a lot of innovations and has strived to excel at everything that he decided to be involved in. And everything that he provided for me I took for granted. He was proud of himself and also proud of my achievements. I can relate to Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory in terms of how nerdy and unsocialized I was. Not really to the extent as in the TV series, but somewhat similar. I stood out in middle school because my father provided me with the best study accessories and even making a custom wooden suitcase to transport them. And I was so nerdy that I stayed in the computer classroom many hours after the class ended.

It is well known that children are naturally curious and they especially in the first 7 years learn things very fast. I see that my father provided me with an environment where I was able to expand myself to a great level. However, what I lacked was a balanced development of some other skills since I was not encouraged very much in the fields of arts, music, and social skills. I was not so much raised for the purpose of someday starting to function as an independent part of society and to treat everyone as equal. The priority was mostly about becoming superior to others so that my father could be proud of me. Or better to say so that he could be proud of himself by treating me and my achievements as the result of his contribution.

Thus being used to be praised by my father and his friends, I could not understand why my classmates did not treat me in the same way. Instead, ob receiving appraisals, they expressed their envy, hate and bullied me. I am only now starting to comprehend that it was because I actually did not care much for anyone else but for myself and about how to impress my father. Since my motivation was only to be superior to others, I also judged and criticized others in order to make them superior to myself. I have been very self-centered and evil to others. And even now, after all these years, I still have to make a great effort not to communicate with others from the point of superiority.

Striving towards perfection is still something that drives me to this day. I am attracted to discovering all the secrets of existence. Oddly creating a family or a stable income was not part of that perfection equation. I am justifying that by defining myself as me being the whole of existence and others being are part of me thus all are my children, brothers, and sisters. And no matter how much money and possession I got and how I make my living it does not matter since we are all one. However, that conscious definition does not yet reflect in my practical life. Since every time I have a tendency to impress others, to show my superiority and not to treat them as equal, I fail to apply the realization of oneness and equality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to limit my curiosity to mostly those things that I can use to impress others, especially my father. I realize that doing things just to get attention and approval of others is conditioning myself to be in constant fear of others not liking what I research and do. I commit myself to when and as I stumble of some new information and my mind produces thoughts like: “You should research this because it will make you smarter in the eyes of others!” to stop and breathe. I then rather consider how many personal resources studying the information will take and to what extent I would by sharing such information be able to assist others without any self-interest.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel good and superior when and as I share any information with others. I realize that such positive feelings are the result of my internal conflict when and as I define myself and information that I possess as superior and others as inferior to me. I commit myself to when and as I am communicating with someone and my mind is producing thoughts like: “You should share some very special information that they do not know yet about!” to stop and breathe. Instead of that I rather understand the context of the conversation, state of the mind of the people that I am communicating at that moment and then share information that actually is beneficial to at least someone of them while staying emotionally stable.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to when communicating with others to use advanced vocabulary and use the voice tonality of a superiority character. I realize that even with just using words that others can not completely understand and by using a specific tone, that I still communicate from a point of superiority and thus am creating resistance within others. I commit myself to when and as I communicate with others and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Use some very complex word and speak it with utmost self-confidence!” to stop and breathe. I then rather become one and equal with the ones I communicate with, use only the words that I am sure that they understand and keep a humble tone of voice.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to when wanting to solve some situation with someone to be bossy and to tell them what they should do. I realize that by just explaining my problems and demanding solutions I am creating resistance within others. I commit myself to when and as I have a situation to solve and my mind is producing thought like: “Just share your point of view and tell others what you see as the best solution that you see!” to stop and breathe. I then rather share my concerns, ask as many questions to understand the perspectives the best way possible and then support the solution that would be in the best interest of all.

Recommended online course and related audios:
Desteni I Process
The Elitist Mind
The Cure for Curiosity
Thirst for Knowledge
What I Thought Was Important
Great Expectations
Learning to Play Again
Facing yourself in the Face of Arguments
Redefining Humble & Considerate
Superiority of Ego vs. Superior Living of Self

Day 169: A true origin of my sadness exposed

It has been around 20 years since I started the journey of self-discovery and over 8 years since I have been walking the process of self-perfection by writing blogs and recording vlogs. However, during this process, I have not felt the increase in my awareness in relation to what I have accepted and allowed to become. Meaning during the process I did look at the past events where I have abdicated my self-responsibility and committed to correct myself. However, I have until recently not felt such shame as I am feeling now. Also in past decades, I felt some sort of undefined sadness that has been noticeable from my facial expression in form of dark baggy eyes. Until recently I assumed that the sadness was about all the traumatic events that I have experienced in my past. However, I see now that what I am actually sad about is what I have allowed and accepted in my life. As far I can remember, I have defined myself as a good person that does not want to harm anybody and that all that happened to me had nothing to do with who I am. I claimed that I am an innocent victim and punished by life for no reason. Boy oh boy was I wrong!

I see my childhood as quite pleasant, with memories of just a couple of unpleasant events. Now the problem with the memories is how we tend to remember mostly bad things and disregard all the good stuff. And it was exactly the same with me. All the abundance, safety, and love that my parent provided I just took for granted. That is what made me turn into a spoiled brat. I understand that my over-protective environment played a role in that but boy it took a long time for me to understand how much spoiled I have become. I and my brother lived for many years in a safe family bubble where were provided by our father with the latest gadgetry. Computers and television then contributed for me to sink into an even more deceptive bubble of virtual reality where I have played god and attacked other from. All the images, especially porn, created layers of energetic addictions. Thus whenever I faced challenges, instead of facing and understanding them, I took refuge in the alternative worlds of emotional and orgasmic experiences. That took me in such separation of life that I am just slowly becoming aware of the real depth of my demise.

Now that I am experiencing some kind of quantum leap in my awareness, I am having a great challenge in deciding what to do. I do not want to be the self-centered spoiled kid anymore, however, I see that such tendencies are still a part of me and it will still take time for me to transform my behavior patterns and energetic addictions. I feel like a heavy train that has been driving towards the cliff with full speed. I have become aware of the cliff and have hit the brakes, however, it will take the train some time to stop completely due to inertia.

I see for example how a photography at first glance is an innocent art that started to become my passion already at my young age. However, one perspective using photography is to manifest points of separation. When looking through the viewfinder, a photographer positions himself on 'the other side of the lens' where all that matters is a framed composition of visual elements in a moment. A photographer does not need to care about what events lead to the current state of reality and what will be the outflow of events in the future. The trapped moment of time is then observed over and over again in form of a photo and in many cases, a deep emotional bond is created to that picture. A photo is an attempt to stop the time and create an experience of eternity. Generally when taking a photo one does not ask or needs to ask for a permission to take a snapshot. So it is also much like stealing something from someone. And also within such stealing, one is being very careful to compose all the shapes and colors with the starting point to entice as strong emotional reaction from the observers of the photo as possible. Sure photography can also function as evidence of past events however generally it functions as an attempt to control something or to gain something.

A camera has played a role of the protective shield also in my life for many years. I have been hiding behind the lens and also behind a TV and computer screen for too long. For so long that I have lost the interest in doing much of the physical work. Because using computer things move much faster and the physical reality takes much more time to manifest. This is why I have also become impatient and restless, constantly needing some pictures, sounds, and information to fill my mind and keep me entertained. For physical labor, I defined myself as someone who is overqualified and would waste my potentials if I engage in some kind of job that does not require a lot of intellectual skills. Consequently, I am keeping myself trapped in computer-related jobs that create a strain on my physical body due to long periods of keeping myself in a sitting position. Sadly it is also the money that influences my business decisions since most of the highest paid jobs are now also related to using computers. On the other hand, the information age is also connecting us again, thought externally, but is enabling us a reflection of what is going on in our minds and serves as a beneficial projection of our internal reality. So the key is to make the best of all this mess and to figure out how to create a future where we would not be enslaved and separate anymore by our own creation.

What I am also dealing with here is a chicken and egg situation. I am quite satisfied with being single and do not have a need to be in a relationship with someone to be happy. So I am asking myself if this is something that is the true nature of my being or a consequence of my upbringing. I see how much I am like my father and have wondered how much of what I am are personalities that I have copied from him as a child. Or it could be just that my father and I have similar nature of our beingnesses that both like to work alone and would not change much regardless of the environment. Well, all that I can do is to continue my process of identifying the points of separation within me and to move towards creating the future based on the principle of what is best for all. It is up to me to challenge and expand myself but to be at the same time careful not to overwhelm myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my life to be directed mostly by the energies of good emotions and bad feelings instead of directing myself as life as one and equal. I commit myself to stop all the energy addictions and to direct myself based on the principle of what is best for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see other being only as their picture manifestation. And then also comparing them to ideals of perfection and judging any visual imperfection instead of treating them as one and equal as who I am as life. I realize that everything that I am able to observe with my human physical eyes is much more than I am able to see and understand that we are all an equal part of this existence. Thus I commit myself to when and as I am looking at someone and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look at this and that imperfection on their face and their body and how they dress!” to stop and breathe. I then place myself into the body of the person that I observe and understand how my life would be if I would be in their body and to have their life experience. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to observe women mostly from the perspective of how a sexual experience with them would be. I realize that I have been conditioned by years of watching porn where I have started to associate the appearance of a woman with experience of orgasm. Thus I commit myself to when and as I want to experience a physical orgasm and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look at some woman or a picture of a woman or imagine a woman during masturbation since you will experience the energy of orgasm quicker!” to stop and breathe. I commit myself to practice masturbation only as an act of my physical body self-expression within the realization that I do not need to imagine anything let alone having to include any other body to experience an orgasm. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I interact with others for my actions to have the starting point of wanting to impress others in order for them to admire me and then to feel good about myself. I realize how self-centered my interactions with others have been since I mostly wanted to impress others using advance knowledge and information and also other skills that I have gathered. Thus I commit myself to when and as I interact with other and my mind is producing thought like: “Just think what great information will you tell them in order to impress them and prove that you know more than they do!” to stop and breathe. I then communicate with others from the starting point of equality, share the information that is relevant to them or ask them questions in order to find out how they feel and if there is anything that I can assist them with. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a perfectionist and to become angry about myself every single time when I notice some imperfection about myself. I realize that tendency towards the perfection is a projection of not accepting myself as who I am as my physical body, mind and the being that all have its limitations and do change over time. Thus I commit myself to when and as I see something about myself and my mind is producing thoughts like: “You should have done or looked like this instead of that!” to stop and breathe. I then within the realization that everything is changing and that nothing will ever fit the complete criteria of someone's imagination do my best to strive towards my goals but also fully accept how I am and how I perform at this very moment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself and compete with others where I wanted to prove that I know much more than others and can do things better than others for the sake of feeling good. I realize that self-perfection is supportive however we all have different preconditions, different environments, different bodies, different minds, different beings and can not perfect self by comparing ourselves to others. Thus I commit myself to when and as I observe others and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look at this guy or girl and what they have achieved!” to stop and breathe. I then consider only my original and current state of everything that I currently am an have achieved and continue to perfect self in relation only to my own life path. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I observe others how they struggle and experience discomfort and pain to feel good about myself. I realize that any energetic movement within myself when observing others how they suffer is a manifestation of pure evil and separation. Thus I commit myself to when and as I see others in a problematic situation and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look how funny they are when they suffer!” to stop and breathe. I then immediately place myself in the position of the individual that I observe and understand that I could equally be in the same position as they are. I then also see what I can do to diminish the suffering that others endure since we are all in this together.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within the DIP Lite free online course and to listen to the following related educational audios from Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence:

How to Transcend Shame and Transform It to Integrity
Shame, Shame, Shame
Wall of Shame
Shame & Self Forgiveness