26 November 2019

Day 181: How my curiosity became superiority

I grew up in quite a supportive family environment where I was able to develop many physical and intellectual skills. My parents assured a pretty balanced life for me and my brother since we spent a lot of time hiking in nature, however, we also got to use a lot of different toys and the latest electronic devices. I enjoyed learning, discovering new things and experimenting. There were also some limiting factors of my over-protective father who was not skilled at showing emotions and had was not enough skilled in verbal communication. So instead of patiently verbalizing his thoughts, he used physical force to punish me and my brother if we did not obey him or produced some damage. That, of course, imprinted as traumatic experiences and resulted in resentment towards him. However, if I compare my childhood experiences with my classmates, they were much better than the experiences of others.

I see that my father tried to be the best parent that he could and was a very capable provider in terms of physical assets. He made a lot of innovations and has strived to excel at everything that he decided to be involved in. And everything that he provided for me I took for granted. He was proud of himself and also proud of my achievements. I can relate to Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory in terms of how nerdy and unsocialized I was. Not really to the extent as in the TV series, but somewhat similar. I stood out in middle school because my father provided me with the best study accessories and even making a custom wooden suitcase to transport them. And I was so nerdy that I stayed in the computer classroom many hours after the class ended.

It is well known that children are naturally curious and they especially in the first 7 years learn things very fast. I see that my father provided me with an environment where I was able to expand myself to a great level. However, what I lacked was a balanced development of some other skills since I was not encouraged very much in the fields of arts, music, and social skills. I was not so much raised for the purpose of someday starting to function as an independent part of society and to treat everyone as equal. The priority was mostly about becoming superior to others so that my father could be proud of me. Or better to say so that he could be proud of himself by treating me and my achievements as the result of his contribution.

Thus being used to be praised by my father and his friends, I could not understand why my classmates did not treat me in the same way. Instead, ob receiving appraisals, they expressed their envy, hate and bullied me. I am only now starting to comprehend that it was because I actually did not care much for anyone else but for myself and about how to impress my father. Since my motivation was only to be superior to others, I also judged and criticized others in order to make them superior to myself. I have been very self-centered and evil to others. And even now, after all these years, I still have to make a great effort not to communicate with others from the point of superiority.

Striving towards perfection is still something that drives me to this day. I am attracted to discovering all the secrets of existence. Oddly creating a family or a stable income was not part of that perfection equation. I am justifying that by defining myself as me being the whole of existence and others being are part of me thus all are my children, brothers, and sisters. And no matter how much money and possession I got and how I make my living it does not matter since we are all one. However, that conscious definition does not yet reflect in my practical life. Since every time I have a tendency to impress others, to show my superiority and not to treat them as equal, I fail to apply the realization of oneness and equality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to limit my curiosity to mostly those things that I can use to impress others, especially my father. I realize that doing things just to get attention and approval of others is conditioning myself to be in constant fear of others not liking what I research and do. I commit myself to when and as I stumble of some new information and my mind produces thoughts like: “You should research this because it will make you smarter in the eyes of others!” to stop and breathe. I then rather consider how many personal resources studying the information will take and to what extent I would by sharing such information be able to assist others without any self-interest.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel good and superior when and as I share any information with others. I realize that such positive feelings are the result of my internal conflict when and as I define myself and information that I possess as superior and others as inferior to me. I commit myself to when and as I am communicating with someone and my mind is producing thoughts like: “You should share some very special information that they do not know yet about!” to stop and breathe. Instead of that I rather understand the context of the conversation, state of the mind of the people that I am communicating at that moment and then share information that actually is beneficial to at least someone of them while staying emotionally stable.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to when communicating with others to use advanced vocabulary and use the voice tonality of a superiority character. I realize that even with just using words that others can not completely understand and by using a specific tone, that I still communicate from a point of superiority and thus am creating resistance within others. I commit myself to when and as I communicate with others and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Use some very complex word and speak it with utmost self-confidence!” to stop and breathe. I then rather become one and equal with the ones I communicate with, use only the words that I am sure that they understand and keep a humble tone of voice.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to when wanting to solve some situation with someone to be bossy and to tell them what they should do. I realize that by just explaining my problems and demanding solutions I am creating resistance within others. I commit myself to when and as I have a situation to solve and my mind is producing thought like: “Just share your point of view and tell others what you see as the best solution that you see!” to stop and breathe. I then rather share my concerns, ask as many questions to understand the perspectives the best way possible and then support the solution that would be in the best interest of all.

Recommended online course and related audios:
Desteni I Process
The Elitist Mind
The Cure for Curiosity
Thirst for Knowledge
What I Thought Was Important
Great Expectations
Learning to Play Again
Facing yourself in the Face of Arguments
Redefining Humble & Considerate
Superiority of Ego vs. Superior Living of Self

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