06 June 2020

Day 194: Allowing myself to be pushed to push myself to push others

In January 2020 I took a certified Life Coaching course. I became very excited about how powerful the coaching approach is in terms of assisting coachees in a relatively short time period to reach very high awareness of their life situation, to identify the obstacles, and to find solutions to overcome them. I found coaching to be something that I can deeply impact others by while allowing me not to activate my past selfish character of wanting to feel good by impressing others with the amount of advanced knowledge that I acquired. The fact that coaches are not supposed to be people who give advice, consult or teach and that their main purpose is to only mirror coachees, felt very liberating to me. However, there are some aspects of the coaching business that I do not like.

I learned from one of the coaches who is teaching his Natural Enrollment Method that establishing trust is an important part of the process to get clients. And it takes a lot of time to build rapport to the level where others become comfortable with opening themselves to you as a coach. So while coaching is very powerful it also requires readiness from the coachees to be vulnerable and courageous for them to get the most out of the coaching process. There must be a willingness to change and investment of time and money from their side in order for the coaching process to begin. And for that to happen there is a requirement from me to initially invest a lot my time and money in order to present the power of the coaching process to them and also to present myself as someone who is highly qualified for effective execution of such services and that I am also someone who they can trust with absolute certainty in terms that I will keep whatever they share with me to myself.

In recent months due to the Coronavirus or Covid-19 global event, I found it hard to get enough clients for my coaching business. One factor was my own fears about how far the changes within society will go and how that might influence me personally in a negative way. So all the media information that portrayed the virus as something very dangerous and the quarantine and economy shutdown as something justified definitely distracted my ability to focus on running a coaching business. Instead of investing my time in promoting my services, I spent many hours in research what is actually going on behind the scene of supposed global virus pandemic. And I have been occupied a lot by sharing interesting discoveries about what is the most probable truth all over the social media networks. I also had doubts that I would actually be effective with my coaching services to assist others since the global situation has been changing very fast and has impacted everyone extensively.

What I also noticed is that with the coaching business I definitely am pushing myself out of my comfort zone and consequently I have been experiencing a resistance. A point that I find most challenging is the energetic addition to feeling good. A great number of my past activities have been driven by wanting to prove to others that I am better than them in terms of my knowledge and skills. Consequently, in order for me to maintain my status as a superior being, I did not allow others to reach my level of excellence. That manifested in the form of being envious towards others, analyzing their activities and exposing any of their imperfections, and bullying them for that. So while I am now pushing myself to genuinely assist others to become the best version of themselves, I sometimes experience energy lows due to the persistence of the previous wiring of my mind.

Coaching has also introduced a new dynamic to my life in terms of scheduling. Previously I have been working on projects where I did not have to be so strict with time. For example, when I was doing a creative job and someone ordered me to produce some design or a photo, those were projects that took days, weeks or even months to complete. So just one client kept me occupied for a long time and I had the freedom to work on the project whenever I felt inspired during the day and thus not having to look at the clock very often. And in regards to working for my father, I fit his needs the most if I am available for him as soon as he calls me and to work as long until what he needs from me has been completed. Thus I find it more comfortable if there are others who contact me and give me work because they know what to expect from me and I can take all the time that is needed for me to complete the works to a level that I am satisfied with. And I preferred to have as much free time as possible after executing my creative work until I would be given the next order.

At the business of coaching, there must be people who order the coaching services in order for themselves to be pushed out of their comfort zone. In order for this to happen something has to happen for them to motivate them into desiring to be pushed out of the comfort zone by the method of coaching. And for me to sell the coaching method in general and then me as the coach that others would want to hire, I have to initially push myself out of my comfort zone. So I am also pushing myself to be in groups of people like Destonians that push me to increasingly push myself to push others and thus we have become many who are pushing each other out of our comfort zones in order to break free from of our limitations and to expand ourselves as much as possible. Consequently, we would in time not push each other down anymore due to desire to be more than others but push others up to the level where we can coexist as equals and live our utmost potentials.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my father as someone that I must maintain my relationship with my whole life since I owe him for raising me and that I have to take care for him when he will be older and less capable similar than he took care for me when I was a todler and also less capable of taking care for myself. I realize that my relationship with him is based on him wanting me to feel like I owe him by him telling me many times that I have not repayed yet even for the milk that he purchased for me in my childhood years. I commit myself whenever my father wants me to do something and my mind produces thoughts like: “I have to serve him fast and well since I owe him my life.” to stop and breathe. I then with gratefulness for what he has done for me consider how I can fulfil his current needs however without allowing him to extort things from me by diminshing me and making me feel bad since that is just his projection of his own lack of self-trust and feeling of inferiority as the consequence of his childhood experiences that include loosing his father at a very young age.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider opinion of my father as more important that opinions of others and consequently doing mostly things which I can impress him with. I realize that by me wanting to impress my father I am equally diminishing myself like he is diminishing himself by wanting to impress others and consequently I am responsible for this limiting pattern of selfish interest and energetic addiction to continue in our bloodline. I commit myself when and as am deciding what to do, and my mind produces thoughts like: “Do something that you will be able to impress your father positively as much as possible with so that he will be proud of you.” to stop and breathe. Instead of that I decide for activities where I consider all life as equal and that have a long-term consequence outflow that are best for all being in this world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I would not be able to handle big projects since I get exhausted alreday by doing small projects, especially when I do design activities for my father. I realize that feeling of exhaustion comes from the negative energy of feeling heavy as the polarity of my desire for the positive energy of upliftment that is generated when I feel proud and as someone more after I have done something for my father and he then praises my work, especially in front of other people. I commit myself when and as I do things for other people, especially for my father and my mind it producting thougths like: “Do things in such a way that you will be able to feel good about yourself since positive feelings are what life is all about.” to stop and breathe. Within the realization of how any energetic experience, regardless if being negative or positive, is exhausting my physical body and eventually creating the feeling of polarity oposite, I decide for my starting point for doing anything to be creation of something paractical and tangible, that contributes to making this world a better place for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present my advanced knowledge and computer skills to my father with intention to impress him and intimidate him in order to maintain my superiority towards him instead of realizing that I am by such attitude being the same kind of bully that he has been many times towards me in the past. I commit myself when and as I communicate to my father and my mind is producing thought like: “Show him that he is not able to grasp everthing that you are capable of knowing and doing so that he will be able to admire you.” to stop and breathe. Instead of that I decide when and as I communicate with him to become one and equal with him in terms of using vocabulary that he is able to understand and to also take time to teach him computers skills so that he can increase his capability of independently using the latest gadgets and devices. 

Some additional related Eqafe supportive audios:

Pushing and Pulling Time
Moods Ruled My Life
Daddy Issues
Despite My Best Intentions
My Life of Absolutism
Inequality and Separation in Your Mind
Discovering self Pride
Losing Self Value Through Validation
Asking for & Accepting Help

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