12 June 2020

Day 195: Exposing My Justifications for Self-victimization

As I have exposed within the previous blog post, I have been experiencing points of limitation that have been also reflecting in the slight back pain that has been persistent for the last couple of weeks. According to the Structural Resonance document, the location of the pain indicates that this is related to the POWER point. As explained also in the 2-part educational audio Lower Back Pain at the Eqafe library, it is mostly related to patterns of judgment and suppression about the things that one sees within yourself. So whenever one compromises self, makes self inferior or less than, or creates a consequence or gives self up for something or someone, and through that diminishes the power of one's expression, the potential of one's life, and thus victimizes self, the lower back will flare-up. It is also a consequence of running from self, not having enough time for self, and being occupied with doing things for others. And not allowing self during the day to take time to self-reflect and change.

So definitely I can look at the decision that I will be offering services of coaching as a possible point of limiting my self-expression. From one perspective I decided for the profession of coaching as the form of deliberate self-limitation since there are countless numbers of options for decisions in every single moment about what to do. Thus I feared that I will not be able to develop a business and consequently get enough money to sustain myself if I do not limit myself. This actually is not true since I do have the option to continue living on social support by continuing to be interested in every single thing that I stumble upon and be more of a curious researcher of life that is not focusing on any particular part of assistance. Yet during the coaching sessions, I am kinda performing such research since I am listening to life experiences of others and thus learning about new things and expanding myself.

I can say that what I find the most limiting in the coaching business is the scheduling process and all the stress related to that. So the first phase is to inform others about my service and attract them until they decide to order it. The next step is to book a meeting. And whenever I have something in my calendar there is the need for me to be prepared for that event. Since time is a very intangible thing and also relative, it requires regular attention of time-measuring devices. So instead of being relaxed here, I have to compare the booked time with the current time displayed on a clock, calculate the time difference and estimate how many things I will be able to do until it is expected from me to execute the coaching. Due to my desire to be punctual a not wanting to miss or forget any scheduled meeting, I become restless and can not fully focus on things that I also want to do besides the coaching.

This restlessness or nervousness increases especially with the scheduled time approaching. If I have nothing scheduled during a day I, for example, eat whenever I am naturally hungry, rest when I get tired, and for as long as I wish and do whatever I feel doing at any specific moment. And when I have meetings scheduled I have to plan all activities so that I am not so hungry during coaching sessions and also not too full to distract me from being able to perform as coach effectively. Also, I am seeing how the weather or low atmospheric pressure makes me more sleepy and tired. Since coaching sessions are booked at least hours if not days or weeks in advance, I can not tell how good will I feel at the time of having to perform coaching so I can not assure to be the best that I can be during each coaching.

Next, there can be many issues also from the side of coachees. Like they forgetting the scheduled meeting, them not feeling well, or being late, or in some times also arriving too early. So this also creates the need from my side to send reminders to clients, check the situation from their side before the meeting, and becoming prepared a bit early before the scheduled time. And then if they are late I also become nervous, disappointed and angry end even more if they do not show up at all. So all this planning and worrying disturbed my inner peace and does not allow me to stay relaxed. It was less stressful when I did a creative work and by getting one client, I could do just one job for them for hours, days, weeks, or even months. A business of coaching is quite different since sessions are as short as just half an hour and usually not more than two hours long. So I have to meet many clients in one day to be fully booked.

And while the design work was something visual, the coaching is a form of inner transformation that is much more intangible. It requires me to listen and remember what others are telling me, process what I have heard, decide about my response, and repeat the whole process over and over again. The fear here is that I will forget the information and not be able to effectively execute the reflective part of the coaching. So I take notes during coaching which I do by hand in case of life coaching and in the form of typed computer notes when executing online sessions. And while some other forms of conversational supports are a more one-time thing, coaching is usually a long process that is being performed in several sessions within several weeks or even months. Thus it requires me to remember or to keep records about the coaching related to the previous sessions so that I can assure that goals set in the initial coaching session are being reached.

This is also why many coaches do not charge their services by the hour but offer different packages. They are finding out what the needs and desired goals of the prospective clients are and then they estimate what package would fit them best. Such shaping of services is something new to me and I have yet to learn the benefits of it for me and the clients and how to apply it also into my coaching practice. There were also some coaches that contacted me in order to teach me how to succeed and earn a lot as a coach however no one resonated with me and I found their approaches something that I did not want to use. Most rely on international video coaching from their homes and using social media to get the clients. However, I got a bit tired of sitting in from of computers for long hours and prefer to meet clients in person so I planned to personally visit the potential clients in my local area. And just when I was to go out to do that, the Coronavirus quarantine started to be enforced, so I became quite frustrated about how unpredictable events are preventing me to execute my plans over and over again.

Then I also wanted to connect with other coaches in Slovenia in order to pick their brains and learn what business model works for coaching best for our nation. While the existence of a coaching method has been something that I discovered just recently, I was surprised for how long it has been used in my country and what level of standards have been established for that profession. A coaching society of Slovenia has members claiming that one can simply not perform as a good coach without having training that took at least a couple of years and regular supervision. I considered having performed very well as a coach for my past clients since many had so deep breakthrough moments that surprised even me. And I have many years of other kinds of studies about how the mind works, including measurable progress at my personal process of inner transformation, so I had high confidence in my abilities. However, after reading about how others are defining a coaching profession, my self-esteem in that area dropped a bit.

Throughout my life sequence of events developed me into becoming quite self-reliable in terms of learning the necessary knowledge to be able to do what I desired. And I also did not need any confirmation of my peers in order to gain sufficient self-confidence to work in certain areas. However, I noticed that what I lacked were depth and connections. In my life, the environment and people in my surrounding changed quite frequently so I learned how to function independently. And many experiences with other people were pretty negative so I also learned that others can not be trusted. I do fear that if I join any professional association, others will again start to limit me and influence me negatively. This is the reason why I prefer to work and also to live alone since I have already enough work with facing my own mind and lack the capacity and time to be able to also address the point of separation in the minds of others. Or so has been my justification for living in my current comfort zone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my chronic feeling of sadness and heaviness as disappointment and powerlessness as the result of seeing others as being possessed by their minds to the level of not being able to comprehend me and seeing me as one and equal. I realize that I have been, and still am to a level, possessed by my own mind and thus equally unable to fully comprehend others and treat them as one and equal. Thus I am actually sad about how I am possessed by the mind and not yet sufficiently being able to direct others to completely drop their possession which is also what I want for myself. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “There is no use of trying to release others from their minds since you are not capable of doing that so best to just protect yourself by living in isolation.” to stop and breathe. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I look at my achieved progress of releasing myself from the mind and what progress was made by others and continue to walk the process of supporting myself and others towards the total release of any mind possessions in the whole humanity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define others as individuals who will sooner and later hurt me due to becoming blinded by the energy of their minds and emotions and that this is the reason why it is best to develop myself professionally alone. I realize that whenever others have harmed me it was due to my own separation within my mind that rendered me incapable of seeing and treating them as one and equal since I have been purely socialized and resonated superiority since this is how I have been raised by my parents who struggled with a feeling of inferiority. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “Do not join any professional group since you will not fit in and they will not be able to accept you as an equal.“ to stop and breathe. Instead of fearing others and losing hope in advance, I join professional networks and take full self-responsibility about how others respond to my presence, words, and actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to firstly get excited and uplifted about seeing the potential and after a while of doing that thing to lose the excitement soon after I face obstacles and challenges of moving towards that direction. I realize that I have allowed myself to be directed by the good feelings of the positive expectations and thus experiencing strong highs and lows instead ob directing myself based on the principle of what is best for all and pushing myself through every kind of energetic resistance with dedication, persistence and firm focus. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “You have the right to feel heavy since you have experienced disappointment so take sufficient rest to gather enough positive energy to move you forward.” to stop and breathe. Instead of allowing myself feelings of emotional tiredness, I take time to reverse-engineer the timeline of events that I have used as justificaton for such feelings and remove any energetic conditions so that I can be directed purely by the principles.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose interest in moving myself and doing anything particular due to accepted belief that there is no stability in this existence, that it is just a game or a play without any firm rules and that no matter what kind of goal I set it will avoid me achieving it. I realize that while there are theories that everything is energy and vibrations and that there is nothing tangible, the physical world does actually stand the test of time and is here and quite stable no matter if I believe differently. I commit myself when and as my mind produces thoughts like: “This world is just an illusion so by doing anything in it you will just be trying to make this illusion real.” to stop and breathe. Instead of believing my mind what is telling me, I realize that the problem is that the mind which is an actual illusion is trying to turn reality into an illusion by constantly taking my attention away from my breath and from what is actually here. Thus I decide to ignore any thoughts that justify me not moving in this world and do as many movements in a day to make this physical world the best place for myself and all others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that others will use words against me and enforce to consider their words as more powerful since they have labeled them as a rule or a law. I realize that others can have the power over my words only of I react to their words with emotions and that I am able to stand and speak for myself and explain in common sense that all words have equal power. When and as I receive a letter or a message from anyone and my mind is producing thoughts like: “They are citing a law so I must fear the enforcement in order to avoid harmful consequences for myself.” to stop and breathe. Instead of assuming the power of others through their words, I take equal power of my words to respond to them and disqualify every point of assumed agreement with me which has not been established between myself and others as direct agreement within full awareness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a quiet guy who learned that silence is the best defense and that it is not much use of trying to explain others what I see and feel since they will not be able to comprehend me. I realize that while the words are symbols to whichever one can have a different definition and emotional energies attached, there offer a significantly clear form of communication that I can use to interact with others. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “The ultimate power is being completely quiet since it is futile to explain anything to others by using words.” to stop and breathe. Instead of giving my power away and victimizing myself by projecting a negative income no matter which words I use, I do my best to use words to come to an agreement with all the others where interests of all involved are being considered so that we can co-exist in a bigger harmony.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not being aware of the power of asking and using assumptions about what others think, say and do instead of cross-referencing things by placing questions until I am sufficiently clear about what the reality actually is. I commit myself when and as see the words and actions of others and my mind is producing thought like: “Use your intuition to create an explanation what is the reason and meaning for others saying and doing things and do not disturb and take their valuable time with unnecessary questioning.“ to stops and breathe. Instead of interpreting the words and actions of others in my imagination, I stick with the physical and verify the facts so that I can avoid being in a wrong state of interpretation as much as possible.

Some related supportive educational Eqafe audios:

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