Day 205: Dangers of the Martyr Complex

The natural process in life is expanding, pushing the envelope, increasing our awareness, abilities, and capacities. Sometimes one can push themselves too much and from the starting point of the ego which then reflects in form of pain and whatnot. And this has also been my recent experience where I allowed myself to be enveloped by the Martyr Complex. Doing best for all is a trick mission that can quickly slip into a self-victimization character. When being in a group where the vision is to remove all points of separation from existence, the task can feel daunting, human life-span short and that then translates into great urgency and time pressure. Taking self-responsibility of all of the existence requires a decision about how to make the best use of available time to manifest the change out there while maintaining a balance in personal life so that personal power is not being compromised.

I am glad to be part of a group with the vision of improving the living situation on this planet for all living beings equally. And that I am a distributor of new educational technology that has the potential of empowering its users and making them more aware and capable of responsible living here in harmony and abundance. It is a great satisfaction to be part of individuals that impact society positively. At the weekly online meeting, our leaders motivate us with mission statements, visions, and executions plans. The objective is to create urgency and make us move towards at least reaching a minimum weekly goal. Some individuals are capable of moving themselves effectively since they have transcended the resistance to a sufficient level. However many are still in the beginning stage of the process and still influenced by emotions. So it is not easy to come with a universal approach that would be effective for all group members at their different location points.

I have been conditioned in the past by living and working in the environment of my parents into being someone that requires to be moved by others using emotions. However, I have been walking not the path towards achieving self-movement for many years and made significant progress. Nevertheless, I have to be careful about the emotional pressures of others in order not to sacrifice myself too much and fall and consequently fall out of balance. I learned that one is able to help others effectively only if one has helped itself first and gained proper stability and capacity. A balance in personal life on all levels is suggested to be achieved and maintained at all times before one attempts to engage in the transformation of the global system. That includes establishing sufficient and regular money income, developing their own vocabulary, increasing processing speed, and gaining emotional stability. 

While working myself on these points I have noticed many resistances to change. In terms of sleeping duration, I learned that humans require only 4-6 hours of sleep per night. With that information, I have started to go to bed with a self-commitment to go out of bed immediately when I wake up naturally or after no more than 6 hours of sleep. I have experienced waking up after sleeping only 4 hours and recently I woke up after just one and a half hours. Yet whenever I would wake up and see how much time it only passed since I fell into sleep, my mind would immediately start creating doubt that I am rested enough. It created thought of fear that this can not be and that brain damage could develop if I allow myself to sleep so little. I do additional 15-minute naps during the day however my mind would calculate all the naps and add it to the total time of a daily sleep in order to reach the sum of 8-hour daily norm. During every nap, it created intense dreams that resulted in mental tiredness and decisions to continue with snoozing several times in a row. And I have become deeply disappointed about that.

Additionally, I also relapsed into watching short videos before I decided to take a nap. For example, after I would work with a computer for a couple of hours, I would go to my bed to take a rest. However, instead of just setting a timer on my smartphone for the alarm to wake me after 15 minutes, I got enticed with watching short movie clips. My mind has been justifying that I would relax even more if I watch some comedy gags or movie trailers that are no more than 3 minutes long. However, after I would watch the first one, I would not get enough kick out of it, and since YouTube is a master of offering clips that would interest you the most, I would continue with watching the second one, and then the third one and so one. So instead of only 15 minutes of planned rest, I would spend up to half an hour, sometimes even more, before the actual nap. And there would even be cases when I would watch some clips after the nap. It is like the mind would drive me into spending an equal amount of time that I saved by sleeping less with indulging in entertainment and thus showing me that sleeping less does not pay off. This is of course also something that I want to fix in order to decrease the wasting of time.

Now besides the pain in the neck and in the lower back, there is also a third pain that started to occur. It felt like it originated in the middle of the back and branched very narrowly across the left side of my back. It would shoot whenever I would work with the vocabulary building software that I am a distributor of in cases where I would make a mistake at typing the word from a default integrated word list wrongly. So it was a very specific pain connected to a very specific action which I found very interesting. I concluded that this was a consequence of self-judgment within anger, connected to the character of self-perfectionist. And shortly after I realized that and became aware of this point of limitations, the pain started to decrease and does not come up anymore.

I am now also in the process of listening to the supportive Eqafe audios that I listed at the end of my previous last two posts of this blog. I was able to relate to the explanation of a stiff neck to be a consequence of feeling trapped in a situation where I do not see any exit from and that I do not see any way back from where I currently am. From one perspective this actually is an existential fact since we all currently are experiencing a manifested consequence of our previous decisions and we can not go back into the past to manifest a different present reality. However, what we are able to start making better decisions at this moment that will manifest a better world in the future. And also after realizing that fact one can not go back to not realizing it. So from one point there actually is no way back and the only direction we are able to move is forward and in terms of awareness towards increasing its size.

I see the need to change how I handle mind resistances and the application of breaks. Napping seems to be the activity where I give power to the mind. So I am looking to reduce or replace them with some other activity. I learned that mental tiredness is best remediated by some kind of physical activity. So I will be experimenting with walking, running, exercising, and some other activities in order to make the most of each day.

Related educational audios from Eqafe to listen to:
Stuck
Unlocking Yourself
From Overwhelmed to Breakthrough
A Martyr for my Brother
Stuck in Absolutes
Bringing Yourself Down when Others are Down
Compromise and Commitment
Routine Sets me Free
Space, Environment, Routine, & Self Definition

Day 203: When nobody is looking

Currently, I struggle with motivating myself to do some tasks that I determined would be the best use of my current position and potentials and would contribute greatly to creating a world that is best for all. The tasks where I do not experience much of resistance is investing up to two hours of my time each day in the morning to work on perfecting my vocabulary. And 6 days ago I also added the task of reading aloud one post from the blog of Bernard Poolman from the oldest post onward. That is of course additionally to my other tasks of morning routine like drinking herbal tea with zeolite, speaking gratitude statements, and doing the Five Tibetan Rites before I have my fruit salat for the breakfast. However, when I proceed to do my business-related tasks I find myself in the difficulty of focused and consistent movements.

I have a long list of things that I plan to do business-wise in my Nirvana productivity app. But when I look at the list, I already face the challenge of deciding what to do next. I noticed that the sole fact that I manage my task on the computer is already something that creates a specific feeling of intangibility and indefiniteness. I have been using computers as my main tool for decades. And I like it from the perspective that I can store and retrieve extremely vast quantity of information and share it with others all over the globe. However, it also makes me less grounded and is attracting my curiosity to research all the available information that I have access to by using it. I am currently observing my level of addiction to using social media and watching videos and I am not happy about my current state in regards to that. I am looking into how to ground myself more and one way is to work using analog tools. I have purchased a set of new notebooks that I am using now to place my thoughts onto paper with a pen. So far I have been writing my process blog post exclusively in a digital format to an online blog like this one. And now I plan to do additional and preliminary writings also to my paper notebook.

I learned that there is a big difference between writing by hand and typing words using a keyboard. Specific neural pathways are supposed to be formed and information imprinted strongly into the brain when writing with a pen to paper. This is because a more complex and natural movement of hand and fingers is being used where the hand is pulling a pen in all sorts of directions with different speed and pressure. Typing words on a computer is far less expressive since one has to target and hit a specific key with a specific finger with the same force in order to type the words. The keyboard is a superior writing interface to a pen and creates more discomfort and anxiety. Yet the downside of writing by hand is that information can not be copied, backed up, stored, retrieved, and shared so quickly and easily and it consumes physical space. Nowadays hybrid options are available like touch screens that enable handwriting with a stylus, digital paper pads, and electronic pens that record handwriting on paper and convert it into a digital form for conversion into typed text. I will be experimenting with these options in order to see what works best for me.

Besides the challenges of using specific tools for my work, there is an even deeper layer of contributing factors that slows down my movement. It is about my primary self-definition, my life purpose, and the personality character that I have developed into. I feel deep shame for functioning as someone who is addicted to impressing and shocking others by sharing secret and advanced information while not actually integrating it to the level of full comprehension. I feel so stupid because I am listening, watching, and reading so much of different information yet I am incapable of uttering it to others in a way for them to comprehend me. And I find my reactions of envy and spite towards others evil to the point of not deserving to live. I have been so defined by relationships to others in a negative way that I am finding it hard to function on my own, motivate myself, and be sincerely driven by the principle of what is best for all life. What also needs to change is my relationship to the money and to create stability in using all possible means of exchange.

In general, I see that the development of digital technologies has contributed to me becoming more restless and my mind stimulated since it is basically its external manifestation. Being used to others telling me what to do or not do, I lost my will and courage to express myself creatively. While currently reading a book by a Slovenian author with the criticism of the public educational system, I have realized that I have not been suppressed only by my family environment but also by having to endure the torture of forced schooling. And now with global plandemic terrorism, the challenges that we face have become even greater. After watching some documentaries recently about the development of robots, artificial intelligence, and deep fake technologies, I am a bit concerned about what the future will bring. There are new threats emerging along with the progress of technology and it is becoming increasingly difficult to recognize and neutralize them. So it also I question how much time per day to spend with learning about the increasingly complex and fast-moving global society and how to successfully and in time adapt to it in order to survive.

Since I live and work alone in my apartment I am from time to time wondering what to do in order to be more motivated to do things that I find tiresome. But when considering the options of getting a cat, a girlfriend, or a co-worker, I also see the downsides of someone being with me in my apartment. While someone else would add to the dynamic of my relationships, they would also make it more complex and disturbing. Recently I have been experimenting with accountability partners where I asked some of my peers to meet me online in order to support each other with doing what each of us wants to do. That did give me more confidence however it also added to the complexity of my work environment. I started to ask myself how much if at all I require some outside stimulation to move me into executing what my business goals are. The conclusion has been that ultimately it would be best for myself to develop the ability of consistent self-movement and to use the tools of writing to remove all the limitations that prevent me from becoming someone like that.

All that I need to do is to continue releasing myself from the attachment to positive and negative energies of the mind. That translates to end seeking any kind of outside validation of what I am and doing and to genuinely do what is best for all life, even when nobody is looking. I need to develop pristine self-expression and take proper care of all aspects of my private and business life. I have to increase my focus, ground myself more, and restrain myself from all kinds of selfish temptations inwards and outwards that consume my precious life potential.

Suggested related Eqafe audios to listen:
Lethargy: Introduction
Lethargy: Domino Effect
Lethargy: A Physical Experience
Lethargy: The Gifts Within
Lethargy: Looking Ahead
Lethargy: Self Forgiveness
Self Forgiveness on the Experience of Lethargy
Why we create Fear instead of Solutions
Self-Judgment and Sudden Tiredness
Empowering Yourself Instead of Depending on Others

Day 195: Exposing My Justifications for Self-victimization

As I have exposed within the previous blog post, I have been experiencing points of limitation that have been also reflecting in the slight back pain that has been persistent for the last couple of weeks. According to the Structural Resonance document, the location of the pain indicates that this is related to the POWER point. As explained also in the 2-part educational audio Lower Back Pain at the Eqafe library, it is mostly related to patterns of judgment and suppression about the things that one sees within yourself. So whenever one compromises self, makes self inferior or less than, or creates a consequence or gives self up for something or someone, and through that diminishes the power of one's expression, the potential of one's life, and thus victimizes self, the lower back will flare-up. It is also a consequence of running from self, not having enough time for self, and being occupied with doing things for others. And not allowing self during the day to take time to self-reflect and change.

So definitely I can look at the decision that I will be offering services of coaching as a possible point of limiting my self-expression. From one perspective I decided for the profession of coaching as the form of deliberate self-limitation since there are countless numbers of options for decisions in every single moment about what to do. Thus I feared that I will not be able to develop a business and consequently get enough money to sustain myself if I do not limit myself. This actually is not true since I do have the option to continue living on social support by continuing to be interested in every single thing that I stumble upon and be more of a curious researcher of life that is not focusing on any particular part of assistance. Yet during the coaching sessions, I am kinda performing such research since I am listening to life experiences of others and thus learning about new things and expanding myself.

I can say that what I find the most limiting in the coaching business is the scheduling process and all the stress related to that. So the first phase is to inform others about my service and attract them until they decide to order it. The next step is to book a meeting. And whenever I have something in my calendar there is the need for me to be prepared for that event. Since time is a very intangible thing and also relative, it requires regular attention of time-measuring devices. So instead of being relaxed here, I have to compare the booked time with the current time displayed on a clock, calculate the time difference and estimate how many things I will be able to do until it is expected from me to execute the coaching. Due to my desire to be punctual a not wanting to miss or forget any scheduled meeting, I become restless and can not fully focus on things that I also want to do besides the coaching.

This restlessness or nervousness increases especially with the scheduled time approaching. If I have nothing scheduled during a day I, for example, eat whenever I am naturally hungry, rest when I get tired, and for as long as I wish and do whatever I feel doing at any specific moment. And when I have meetings scheduled I have to plan all activities so that I am not so hungry during coaching sessions and also not too full to distract me from being able to perform as coach effectively. Also, I am seeing how the weather or low atmospheric pressure makes me more sleepy and tired. Since coaching sessions are booked at least hours if not days or weeks in advance, I can not tell how good will I feel at the time of having to perform coaching so I can not assure to be the best that I can be during each coaching.

Next, there can be many issues also from the side of coachees. Like they forgetting the scheduled meeting, them not feeling well, or being late, or in some times also arriving too early. So this also creates the need from my side to send reminders to clients, check the situation from their side before the meeting, and becoming prepared a bit early before the scheduled time. And then if they are late I also become nervous, disappointed and angry end even more if they do not show up at all. So all this planning and worrying disturbed my inner peace and does not allow me to stay relaxed. It was less stressful when I did a creative work and by getting one client, I could do just one job for them for hours, days, weeks, or even months. A business of coaching is quite different since sessions are as short as just half an hour and usually not more than two hours long. So I have to meet many clients in one day to be fully booked.

And while the design work was something visual, the coaching is a form of inner transformation that is much more intangible. It requires me to listen and remember what others are telling me, process what I have heard, decide about my response, and repeat the whole process over and over again. The fear here is that I will forget the information and not be able to effectively execute the reflective part of the coaching. So I take notes during coaching which I do by hand in case of life coaching and in the form of typed computer notes when executing online sessions. And while some other forms of conversational supports are a more one-time thing, coaching is usually a long process that is being performed in several sessions within several weeks or even months. Thus it requires me to remember or to keep records about the coaching related to the previous sessions so that I can assure that goals set in the initial coaching session are being reached.

This is also why many coaches do not charge their services by the hour but offer different packages. They are finding out what the needs and desired goals of the prospective clients are and then they estimate what package would fit them best. Such shaping of services is something new to me and I have yet to learn the benefits of it for me and the clients and how to apply it also into my coaching practice. There were also some coaches that contacted me in order to teach me how to succeed and earn a lot as a coach however no one resonated with me and I found their approaches something that I did not want to use. Most rely on international video coaching from their homes and using social media to get the clients. However, I got a bit tired of sitting in from of computers for long hours and prefer to meet clients in person so I planned to personally visit the potential clients in my local area. And just when I was to go out to do that, the Coronavirus quarantine started to be enforced, so I became quite frustrated about how unpredictable events are preventing me to execute my plans over and over again.

Then I also wanted to connect with other coaches in Slovenia in order to pick their brains and learn what business model works for coaching best for our nation. While the existence of a coaching method has been something that I discovered just recently, I was surprised for how long it has been used in my country and what level of standards have been established for that profession. A coaching society of Slovenia has members claiming that one can simply not perform as a good coach without having training that took at least a couple of years and regular supervision. I considered having performed very well as a coach for my past clients since many had so deep breakthrough moments that surprised even me. And I have many years of other kinds of studies about how the mind works, including measurable progress at my personal process of inner transformation, so I had high confidence in my abilities. However, after reading about how others are defining a coaching profession, my self-esteem in that area dropped a bit.

Throughout my life sequence of events developed me into becoming quite self-reliable in terms of learning the necessary knowledge to be able to do what I desired. And I also did not need any confirmation of my peers in order to gain sufficient self-confidence to work in certain areas. However, I noticed that what I lacked were depth and connections. In my life, the environment and people in my surrounding changed quite frequently so I learned how to function independently. And many experiences with other people were pretty negative so I also learned that others can not be trusted. I do fear that if I join any professional association, others will again start to limit me and influence me negatively. This is the reason why I prefer to work and also to live alone since I have already enough work with facing my own mind and lack the capacity and time to be able to also address the point of separation in the minds of others. Or so has been my justification for living in my current comfort zone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my chronic feeling of sadness and heaviness as disappointment and powerlessness as the result of seeing others as being possessed by their minds to the level of not being able to comprehend me and seeing me as one and equal. I realize that I have been, and still am to a level, possessed by my own mind and thus equally unable to fully comprehend others and treat them as one and equal. Thus I am actually sad about how I am possessed by the mind and not yet sufficiently being able to direct others to completely drop their possession which is also what I want for myself. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “There is no use of trying to release others from their minds since you are not capable of doing that so best to just protect yourself by living in isolation.” to stop and breathe. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I look at my achieved progress of releasing myself from the mind and what progress was made by others and continue to walk the process of supporting myself and others towards the total release of any mind possessions in the whole humanity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define others as individuals who will sooner and later hurt me due to becoming blinded by the energy of their minds and emotions and that this is the reason why it is best to develop myself professionally alone. I realize that whenever others have harmed me it was due to my own separation within my mind that rendered me incapable of seeing and treating them as one and equal since I have been purely socialized and resonated superiority since this is how I have been raised by my parents who struggled with a feeling of inferiority. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “Do not join any professional group since you will not fit in and they will not be able to accept you as an equal.“ to stop and breathe. Instead of fearing others and losing hope in advance, I join professional networks and take full self-responsibility about how others respond to my presence, words, and actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to firstly get excited and uplifted about seeing the potential and after a while of doing that thing to lose the excitement soon after I face obstacles and challenges of moving towards that direction. I realize that I have allowed myself to be directed by the good feelings of the positive expectations and thus experiencing strong highs and lows instead ob directing myself based on the principle of what is best for all and pushing myself through every kind of energetic resistance with dedication, persistence and firm focus. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “You have the right to feel heavy since you have experienced disappointment so take sufficient rest to gather enough positive energy to move you forward.” to stop and breathe. Instead of allowing myself feelings of emotional tiredness, I take time to reverse-engineer the timeline of events that I have used as justificaton for such feelings and remove any energetic conditions so that I can be directed purely by the principles.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose interest in moving myself and doing anything particular due to accepted belief that there is no stability in this existence, that it is just a game or a play without any firm rules and that no matter what kind of goal I set it will avoid me achieving it. I realize that while there are theories that everything is energy and vibrations and that there is nothing tangible, the physical world does actually stand the test of time and is here and quite stable no matter if I believe differently. I commit myself when and as my mind produces thoughts like: “This world is just an illusion so by doing anything in it you will just be trying to make this illusion real.” to stop and breathe. Instead of believing my mind what is telling me, I realize that the problem is that the mind which is an actual illusion is trying to turn reality into an illusion by constantly taking my attention away from my breath and from what is actually here. Thus I decide to ignore any thoughts that justify me not moving in this world and do as many movements in a day to make this physical world the best place for myself and all others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that others will use words against me and enforce to consider their words as more powerful since they have labeled them as a rule or a law. I realize that others can have the power over my words only of I react to their words with emotions and that I am able to stand and speak for myself and explain in common sense that all words have equal power. When and as I receive a letter or a message from anyone and my mind is producing thoughts like: “They are citing a law so I must fear the enforcement in order to avoid harmful consequences for myself.” to stop and breathe. Instead of assuming the power of others through their words, I take equal power of my words to respond to them and disqualify every point of assumed agreement with me which has not been established between myself and others as direct agreement within full awareness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a quiet guy who learned that silence is the best defense and that it is not much use of trying to explain others what I see and feel since they will not be able to comprehend me. I realize that while the words are symbols to whichever one can have a different definition and emotional energies attached, there offer a significantly clear form of communication that I can use to interact with others. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “The ultimate power is being completely quiet since it is futile to explain anything to others by using words.” to stop and breathe. Instead of giving my power away and victimizing myself by projecting a negative income no matter which words I use, I do my best to use words to come to an agreement with all the others where interests of all involved are being considered so that we can co-exist in a bigger harmony.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not being aware of the power of asking and using assumptions about what others think, say and do instead of cross-referencing things by placing questions until I am sufficiently clear about what the reality actually is. I commit myself when and as see the words and actions of others and my mind is producing thought like: “Use your intuition to create an explanation what is the reason and meaning for others saying and doing things and do not disturb and take their valuable time with unnecessary questioning.“ to stops and breathe. Instead of interpreting the words and actions of others in my imagination, I stick with the physical and verify the facts so that I can avoid being in a wrong state of interpretation as much as possible.

Some related supportive educational Eqafe audios:

The Victim of Judgment
The 'Taking this Personally' Victim
A Victim of Bullies
Deliberately Sabotaging my Own Change
Self Victimization
Self Victimization Stunts Your Growth
From Self Victimization to Self Empowerment
Victim of Your Memories
It's too Late for Me
The Consequence of Suppression
The Difference Between Speaking Up and Voicing Yourself
Victimization vs Ownership of Skills