Day 203: When nobody is looking

Currently, I struggle with motivating myself to do some tasks that I determined would be the best use of my current position and potentials and would contribute greatly to creating a world that is best for all. The tasks where I do not experience much of resistance is investing up to two hours of my time each day in the morning to work on perfecting my vocabulary. And 6 days ago I also added the task of reading aloud one post from the blog of Bernard Poolman from the oldest post onward. That is of course additionally to my other tasks of morning routine like drinking herbal tea with zeolite, speaking gratitude statements, and doing the Five Tibetan Rites before I have my fruit salat for the breakfast. However, when I proceed to do my business-related tasks I find myself in the difficulty of focused and consistent movements.

I have a long list of things that I plan to do business-wise in my Nirvana productivity app. But when I look at the list, I already face the challenge of deciding what to do next. I noticed that the sole fact that I manage my task on the computer is already something that creates a specific feeling of intangibility and indefiniteness. I have been using computers as my main tool for decades. And I like it from the perspective that I can store and retrieve extremely vast quantity of information and share it with others all over the globe. However, it also makes me less grounded and is attracting my curiosity to research all the available information that I have access to by using it. I am currently observing my level of addiction to using social media and watching videos and I am not happy about my current state in regards to that. I am looking into how to ground myself more and one way is to work using analog tools. I have purchased a set of new notebooks that I am using now to place my thoughts onto paper with a pen. So far I have been writing my process blog post exclusively in a digital format to an online blog like this one. And now I plan to do additional and preliminary writings also to my paper notebook.

I learned that there is a big difference between writing by hand and typing words using a keyboard. Specific neural pathways are supposed to be formed and information imprinted strongly into the brain when writing with a pen to paper. This is because a more complex and natural movement of hand and fingers is being used where the hand is pulling a pen in all sorts of directions with different speed and pressure. Typing words on a computer is far less expressive since one has to target and hit a specific key with a specific finger with the same force in order to type the words. The keyboard is a superior writing interface to a pen and creates more discomfort and anxiety. Yet the downside of writing by hand is that information can not be copied, backed up, stored, retrieved, and shared so quickly and easily and it consumes physical space. Nowadays hybrid options are available like touch screens that enable handwriting with a stylus, digital paper pads, and electronic pens that record handwriting on paper and convert it into a digital form for conversion into typed text. I will be experimenting with these options in order to see what works best for me.

Besides the challenges of using specific tools for my work, there is an even deeper layer of contributing factors that slows down my movement. It is about my primary self-definition, my life purpose, and the personality character that I have developed into. I feel deep shame for functioning as someone who is addicted to impressing and shocking others by sharing secret and advanced information while not actually integrating it to the level of full comprehension. I feel so stupid because I am listening, watching, and reading so much of different information yet I am incapable of uttering it to others in a way for them to comprehend me. And I find my reactions of envy and spite towards others evil to the point of not deserving to live. I have been so defined by relationships to others in a negative way that I am finding it hard to function on my own, motivate myself, and be sincerely driven by the principle of what is best for all life. What also needs to change is my relationship to the money and to create stability in using all possible means of exchange.

In general, I see that the development of digital technologies has contributed to me becoming more restless and my mind stimulated since it is basically its external manifestation. Being used to others telling me what to do or not do, I lost my will and courage to express myself creatively. While currently reading a book by a Slovenian author with the criticism of the public educational system, I have realized that I have not been suppressed only by my family environment but also by having to endure the torture of forced schooling. And now with global plandemic terrorism, the challenges that we face have become even greater. After watching some documentaries recently about the development of robots, artificial intelligence, and deep fake technologies, I am a bit concerned about what the future will bring. There are new threats emerging along with the progress of technology and it is becoming increasingly difficult to recognize and neutralize them. So it also I question how much time per day to spend with learning about the increasingly complex and fast-moving global society and how to successfully and in time adapt to it in order to survive.

Since I live and work alone in my apartment I am from time to time wondering what to do in order to be more motivated to do things that I find tiresome. But when considering the options of getting a cat, a girlfriend, or a co-worker, I also see the downsides of someone being with me in my apartment. While someone else would add to the dynamic of my relationships, they would also make it more complex and disturbing. Recently I have been experimenting with accountability partners where I asked some of my peers to meet me online in order to support each other with doing what each of us wants to do. That did give me more confidence however it also added to the complexity of my work environment. I started to ask myself how much if at all I require some outside stimulation to move me into executing what my business goals are. The conclusion has been that ultimately it would be best for myself to develop the ability of consistent self-movement and to use the tools of writing to remove all the limitations that prevent me from becoming someone like that.

All that I need to do is to continue releasing myself from the attachment to positive and negative energies of the mind. That translates to end seeking any kind of outside validation of what I am and doing and to genuinely do what is best for all life, even when nobody is looking. I need to develop pristine self-expression and take proper care of all aspects of my private and business life. I have to increase my focus, ground myself more, and restrain myself from all kinds of selfish temptations inwards and outwards that consume my precious life potential.

Suggested related Eqafe audios to listen:
Lethargy: Introduction
Lethargy: Domino Effect
Lethargy: A Physical Experience
Lethargy: The Gifts Within
Lethargy: Looking Ahead
Lethargy: Self Forgiveness
Self Forgiveness on the Experience of Lethargy
Why we create Fear instead of Solutions
Self-Judgment and Sudden Tiredness
Empowering Yourself Instead of Depending on Others

Day 44: Motivation research

Yesterday morning I made plans for the whole day, writing down exactly what I would do until I would go to sleep. I executed most of the plans as intended but in the evening instead of finishing the day with reading I watched two ward movies that are based on real events. And I also planned what I would do today, including waking up at 06:00 and then engaging in the business activities at 08:00 however due to falling to sleep only around 00:30, I extended my sleep for hour and a half. 

I wonder why war movies attract me so much. I like to watch documentaties about technology, especially big machines, powerful devices, fire, explosions, thunder and destruction. I do not want to harm others and I consider myself as a peaceful guy, however watching how other do heroic actions attracts me very much. I admire those who are fearless and do things for the greater cause, not considering the possibility of loosing their own lives. I also consider myself very fearless, for example I am not afraid of dark and I am not afraid of people that I meet for the first time. However I have a fear of heights and depths and I do not want to drown or to fall from a tall building. Then I also have fears of judgements of other people. So this is very strange how I generally am not afraid of going into action and doing things that others would find very dangerous, however I fear such intangible thing as is the few spoken words that represent opinions of others.

Then in regards writing blogs I decided to wrote at least one short blog per day since I realized that writing is very supporting for myself and that I can not escape from my own accepted and allowed thinking patterns even if I move to the another universe. So facing myself is something that I must do if I want to have peace of the mind and becoming an effective individual in this world. However I find the recommended form of doing self-forgiveness and self-commitment very limiting and robotic. I also become too restless to write ranting and raving and also self-forgiveness in the same blog post. Thus I recently restarted writing blogs by firstly doing ranting and raving in the first blog post and then continued with writing self-forgiveness and self-commitment statement the next day in the second blog post. However in the last couple ob blog posts I even did not wrote any of explicit self-forgiveness and self-commitments.

I find now more and more easy to express myself by writing and the words flow out of me very easily and fluidly. However I know that writing blogs also has I higher purpose and thus a specific structure is suggested. It is suggested to include at least one picture in order for blog to be effectively shared in the social networks, especially to the Pinterest where the content of the post is based on visual representations and thus picture or photo is mandatory. I decided each time to pick a relevant product from the Eqafe store and include the product image in my blog post and link it to the product in the store in order to promote the store. Then it is also recommended to select a few keywords from the blog post text and link it to the Eqafe products. However I did not do that since I did not want to spent additional time by selecting the world and products and thinking what products to include and doing the additional actions. I was afraid that additional activity will cost me too much time and that I will run out of time for doing my daily business activities and earn enough money.

However if I analyze my daily activities, I see that there are still couple of hours left in a day that I could use them for more productive activities. It is not that I do not have enough time, the problem is in lack of motivation in lack of self-movement, missing realization and habit of organizing my life. I was not thought in my family how to effectively manage life, not even in the school we were not taught how to mange personal finance and household, not how to do business and earn money effectively. I had to come up with ideas how things work by trial and error, by observing others and reading books. And I am now in the beginning of understanding what is necessary in order to be effective in life and manifest what I want.

I learned that in order to constantly be motivated, I have to have a goal, a target, a dream, a vision of things that you want to achieve, of kind of person that I want to become. And I constantly have to have this chief aim in front of your mental eyes. So if I ask myself what is my goal, I definitely want to live a better life, to improve this world, however I am generally in state of low esteem and, tiredness and sleepiness. I just want to rest, sleep, live a quiet simple life without much concerns, somewhere in the tropical island with a sandy beach, fresh air and crystal clear water, enjoying the sun, playing with dolphins and other animals in the junge.

However this is only and ideal life from the moves and today avery part of the world is influenced by money, by profit and this world is being destroyed for the interests of big companies. No one can hide to any part of the word and there are problems everywhere. The problems with pollution, the problems of stealing and other criminal activities. Poverty, greed and self-interest forces people to harm each other and destroy this planet. So there is no other way but to firstly change the mentality and expand the awareness of the whole world population in order to be able to live here without fearing each other.