Day 201: Lack of motivation to live my life fully

I have been reading, hearing, and watching stories of great success in the lives of others for many years. Stories about the people who were born as poor, who struggled with their low self-esteem, yet they then transformed their lives and become very successful and rich. I have been part of groups where they are teaching principles of success yet I wondered why somehow all that knowledge does not stick with me. Why does it simply not rub off and influence me into also becoming someone who develops my own business projects that generate a lot of money and why I have not created my own family?

In current times of the coronavirus feardemic, I am observing how confusion about what is actually going on is increasing. There are pressures to war mask and some are predicting forced vaccination, transition to use of only digital currencies, and implementation of a totalitarian state where everyone will constantly be tracked and monitored, like in China. And some fear that the 5G technology will be used to significantly depopulate the human race. These certainly are dangers that make living not very pleasant and many are becoming more and more depressed. Also, I am wondering what to do since the world is changing drastically and I have to make decisions about what to do in order to face all the challenges.

A few months ago I have started to work as a distributor of new learning technology. It is a high-ticket product and I have been wondering how successful I can be with selling it considering the current global economic situation. Distributors have been handed a presentation book that we use to explain to prospective clients the relationship between vocabulary and success in life. And I have also been using the tool for myself in order to rebuild and expand my own word treasure. I am each day spending at least one hour to progress with the integration of the word lists that are arranged by levels and correspond to the grades of the public education system.

Integrated word lists include many words that are familiar to me and also words that I have absolutely no clue what they mean. For each word, I check the definition in several dictionaries in order to learn every context of its use. This activity made me realize that some words have very little or just one definition and some have over 50 possible meanings in indifferent situations. It takes quite some time to progress with the integration of words and I wonder if it is worth investing so much time in learning words with such perfection. Because who knows how ofter if ever there will be an actual opportunity to read texts or to communicate all the words that am integrating by expressing all of their possible definitions.

Words are being used more frequently with some meanings and less frequent with other meanings. Existing words are being used in new ways and thus their definition list is being expanded. Some words are being used less in some contexts which makes them archaic and their definitions obsolete. And there are new words being created on a constant basis according to new discoveries, new technology, and other progress in human society. So languages are a living entity that perpetually transforms and thus mastering them is a neverending process. And that makes learning it a bit annoying when approaching it with a tendency to just learn it once and for all and check it permanently as done.

Actually, I came to realize that such an approach is the core reason why I lack motivation in my life. Because whenever I make a decision there is a need for me to determine the outflow of events and thus estimate if the decision is aligned with what my goals are. Yet even setting goals is something I actually am avoiding due to so many options available out there. And in that sense, there are possibilities that I currently am aware of and there are all of the endless options that I even can not imagine that are possible to be manifested. Besides that things and possibilities that currently do not physically exist can be also created if only I come with new ideas and then engage in action to turn them into something tangible.

Thus life is a constant process of discovering what exists, what has existed in the past, defining and making sense existence, looking for own position in existence, defining yourself, realizing your past, current, and future influence on the existence, deciding about your purpose, vision, and mission, engaging in actions, stopping and reflecting on self, loosing, searching and finding self again, remembering and forgetting, expanding and contracting, exhaling and inhaling, creating and destroying, and then doing it over and over again in the perpetual cycle since existence is one and it can be in no other way that constantly inverting itself. And this is also why a torus is its best geometrical representation.

When asking myself about what to do, there are two basic options. One is doing something where I influence the world outside myself and the other is doing something where I influence my inner world. I realized that for the most part of my life I wanted to influence the world outside myself, especially some members of my family due to my specific relationship with him. I got used to doing what that individual tells me what to do since I would then also get the things I wanted from him. And I was raised to be innovative and inquisitive in order to positively impress that man and others by presenting myself as someone how is more advanced than others.

Yet while excelling at things there was consistency and depth that were lacking. It was never about genuinely being attracted to doing something and then developing the skill to the level of high mastery in order to become a valuable expert who solves problems of other people. It was more about just craving for recognition from others and creating a superficial public image of someone who is worthy of being admired. Instead of experiencing a sustainable fulfillment by perfecting myself, I was hooked on short-term energetic experiences of good feelings created when others would praise me. Which consequently also created periods of feeling low, heavy, and tired as the energetic polarity. I realized that the only solution for myself is to priorities my own self-development in order to be able to truly excel in life. 

And when identifying what is the thing that I need to develop within myself in order to be more effective, I learned that it skills of self-expression and directing others through communication. I remember the storyline that came through when I did my first guided hypnotic regression to my first past life where I was in a female body. I got hanged by the crowd of peers who labeled me as impure after someone invading Wiking raped me. And I just let others hang me decided to remain silent due to losing hope in any kind of success by trying to convince them to change their anger-possessed minds by using words. And that is why I have been holding such deep sadness inside myself all these years since I did not see any way of how to make others comprehend and accept me as I am.

However, when progressing on my path of self-awareness I realized that a coin has two sides. While expecting from others to treat me nice and with compassion, I asked myself what was my attitude towards them. And I realized that I did actually care for others and their lives. I lacked the social skills and ability to see others as one and equal. My whole life was just about displaying myself better than others and wanting to be praised. No wonder I was often met by being judged by others since I have been doing exactly the same towards them. So I could say that it was myself that I am actually sad about since I did not develop the skills and awareness about how to live in this word effectively and to see others as part of myself. I have made a lot of improvement about that yet there is much more to do.

During introspection, I discovered that my communication skills are actually not so excellent as I perceived them to be. Sure I am able to read, speak, and write in Slovene and English language and I comprehend German and Croatian language well. Yet I realized I am lacking a lot of the basics knowledge about grammar and I could not even spell in English. Those poor foundations are what disabled me in being an effective communicator and to identify and correct mistakes in my writing and speaking. So I am now basically starting from scratch and learning every respect of what a language is and how to use it with utmost perfection. It is like I am with the age of 47 going into the first class of a primary school and discovering what is a verb, a noun, and other terms of linguistics.

I see that many adults who decide on a relationship and get their own children have the opportunity of reliving their primary school education experience while assisting their kids with their homework. Having kids is thus helpful for adults to refresh and improve their primary school knowledge, including core knowledge of the language. And since I do not have children of my own, I am disciplining myself to in a similar way rewalk my basic education since the public schools did a poor job of guaranteeing perfect integration of all subjects, leaving me inadequate in language, math, and many other skills. I am motivating myself on a daily basis to fill the holes in my core knowledge so that I will be able to stand and perform more confidently, with the ability to express myself with words and achieve my goals.

Recommended related educational audios from Eqafe:

Motivation
How Language Substantiates the Mind
The Nature of Words
Encoding Communication and Programming Relationships
We do not even See Ourselves
Mask of Innocence

Day 128: Gained new momentum

It is odd how I started to feel recently where I am not worried anymore about the lack of time to do all what I committed myself to do in a day. I have been regularly vlogging in Slovenian language now for 112 days and each week I would also record one vlog in English language. However I have not been doing any writing in the last couple of week. So now I have decided to also restart blogging however I did not want to commit to do only one or couple of blog post per month or week, I got incredible feeling that I will be simply able to write one blog each day.

I guess this is new feeling is the consequence of deciding to restart my graphic design services that I find very enjoyable since I am able to express myself and also earn money easily. In the past several months I have been focusing on developing a big project and was doing design work only for my father occasionally and the second source of money was from social support. I kinda did not want to do any other work since I wanted to focus on my big project. 

However this big project was such that that it required a lot of planning, organizing, collaborating and especially waiting. I was not able to move to the next step until I would be given a certain feedback from involved parties so this held me in a state of dissatisfaction. However as a designer I am able to get several design projects that take many days to complete and I can fill my day with the work tasks and I feel very fulfilled since I am doing creative work and express myself.

So despite of deciding to get additional work besides the big project that I am developing, I am now so excited that I see myself willing to write also one blog post per day with great satisfaction. It feels like I was suppressing myself all that time and now the clouds cleared and the sun begun to shine.

Related audio interview recommended for listening:

Finding my Calling in Life

Day 124: Continuation with blogging using new sequence

It has been many months since I last wrote in my English blog. The last blog post had sequence number 123 but then I wrote only in my Slovenian blog and the last post there is currently Day 198. In the middle of July 2014 I also started with regular daily vlogging in Slovenian language. I started to sequence them with Day 1 and at the time of writing this post the last one is already Day 47.

I record now vlogs every morning where I would wake up around 6 AM and run to the gym which is about 20 minutes away from my home. At the start of the trip to the gym I would record about 10 minute long vlog where I would share my realizations and Desteni perspective on a selected topic. When I return from the gym, I would sometimes also edit the video by inserting links and screenshots and then upload it to my YouTube channel. The final phase would be adding the video description, adding active links and finally sharing on social networks.

The whole procedure for one single video takes abut 1,5 hours each day. This gave me a feeling of satisfaction and believe that I have done a significant part of walking my process so I was not motivated much to also do any additional blogging besides my weekly DIP Pro assignment. So for 47 days since I started with daily vlogging I did not write a single blog not in English not in Slovenian language.

Then a couple of days ago I decided to restart with more regular blogging and I committed myself to write at least 4 blog posts per month, mostly in English language. And I would make also one English vlog per week or 4 per month. I already made my first English vlog after many months and I decided to also sequence the starting with Day 1. So I will be progressing each of my vlogs and blog posts with separate sequencing and will thus not jump any more from Slovenian to English blog and back as I have been doing so far.

Day 81: Great development of events today

I am excited again. Firstly I sold one of my computers today and I got some extra cash now that will enable me to cover some of my urgent expenses. Then the points about the business cleared which enabled me to now full move on. Tomorrow morning I will be having a strong motivation to wake up and move myself and I am looking forward to it.

I also met I guy today who finished first part of medical high school and is now deciding about specialization. I surprised myself with the level of enthusiasm that I used to express my points of view about the state of medical knowledge and indoctrination of the medical students. I asked him what he thinks about effectiveness of modern western medicine and if he knows about the ignorance and corruption in the pharmaceutical industry. He went blank and started to protect what the learned in the school, claiming that what I say is just a religion since he needs scientific evidence. So I did not want to push him more, however I think I made enough impact that he would start researching this point and maybe discover the truth.

Day 79: Blogging resistance backchat

Since I committed myself to write each day a blog post, I am throughout day thinking about when shall I write it. Would it be best to write it in the morning or in the evening or some time in between? And then there is also a question about what to write about and what language to write in.

I understand that there are many point that I need to transform but it is not very fun to do this process. I would rather do other things, like watching a movie or sleeping or taking a walk in the woods. There are many event in the day where I subconsciously emotionally react but the reactions are so small and so quick that I am not able to register. Meaning, I am at that time occupied with doing some activity where I do not feel like stopping it and writing down a not what I have reacted upon. But I will have to do that if I want to stop the reactions and be able to stay here all the time.

When I would want to do some writing, also my eyes become tired and I become sleepy. I noticed that there is a video interview about tired eyes in the Eqafe store and I plan to purchase it when my credit card will be functional again in order to learn what is the cause of that and how to prevent this. I admire some people that I have been talking with lately who are able to work and direct themselves and do not need a lot of sleep. I could reduce my sleep extensively but I need to motivate myself more. If one is motivate, it can hardly wait to wake up in the morning and continue the projects, however I am not very glad waking up in the morning and doing the activities I planned to execute. I will dig more in order to find out how to be more motivated and productive.

Day 44: Motivation research

Yesterday morning I made plans for the whole day, writing down exactly what I would do until I would go to sleep. I executed most of the plans as intended but in the evening instead of finishing the day with reading I watched two ward movies that are based on real events. And I also planned what I would do today, including waking up at 06:00 and then engaging in the business activities at 08:00 however due to falling to sleep only around 00:30, I extended my sleep for hour and a half. 

I wonder why war movies attract me so much. I like to watch documentaties about technology, especially big machines, powerful devices, fire, explosions, thunder and destruction. I do not want to harm others and I consider myself as a peaceful guy, however watching how other do heroic actions attracts me very much. I admire those who are fearless and do things for the greater cause, not considering the possibility of loosing their own lives. I also consider myself very fearless, for example I am not afraid of dark and I am not afraid of people that I meet for the first time. However I have a fear of heights and depths and I do not want to drown or to fall from a tall building. Then I also have fears of judgements of other people. So this is very strange how I generally am not afraid of going into action and doing things that others would find very dangerous, however I fear such intangible thing as is the few spoken words that represent opinions of others.

Then in regards writing blogs I decided to wrote at least one short blog per day since I realized that writing is very supporting for myself and that I can not escape from my own accepted and allowed thinking patterns even if I move to the another universe. So facing myself is something that I must do if I want to have peace of the mind and becoming an effective individual in this world. However I find the recommended form of doing self-forgiveness and self-commitment very limiting and robotic. I also become too restless to write ranting and raving and also self-forgiveness in the same blog post. Thus I recently restarted writing blogs by firstly doing ranting and raving in the first blog post and then continued with writing self-forgiveness and self-commitment statement the next day in the second blog post. However in the last couple ob blog posts I even did not wrote any of explicit self-forgiveness and self-commitments.

I find now more and more easy to express myself by writing and the words flow out of me very easily and fluidly. However I know that writing blogs also has I higher purpose and thus a specific structure is suggested. It is suggested to include at least one picture in order for blog to be effectively shared in the social networks, especially to the Pinterest where the content of the post is based on visual representations and thus picture or photo is mandatory. I decided each time to pick a relevant product from the Eqafe store and include the product image in my blog post and link it to the product in the store in order to promote the store. Then it is also recommended to select a few keywords from the blog post text and link it to the Eqafe products. However I did not do that since I did not want to spent additional time by selecting the world and products and thinking what products to include and doing the additional actions. I was afraid that additional activity will cost me too much time and that I will run out of time for doing my daily business activities and earn enough money.

However if I analyze my daily activities, I see that there are still couple of hours left in a day that I could use them for more productive activities. It is not that I do not have enough time, the problem is in lack of motivation in lack of self-movement, missing realization and habit of organizing my life. I was not thought in my family how to effectively manage life, not even in the school we were not taught how to mange personal finance and household, not how to do business and earn money effectively. I had to come up with ideas how things work by trial and error, by observing others and reading books. And I am now in the beginning of understanding what is necessary in order to be effective in life and manifest what I want.

I learned that in order to constantly be motivated, I have to have a goal, a target, a dream, a vision of things that you want to achieve, of kind of person that I want to become. And I constantly have to have this chief aim in front of your mental eyes. So if I ask myself what is my goal, I definitely want to live a better life, to improve this world, however I am generally in state of low esteem and, tiredness and sleepiness. I just want to rest, sleep, live a quiet simple life without much concerns, somewhere in the tropical island with a sandy beach, fresh air and crystal clear water, enjoying the sun, playing with dolphins and other animals in the junge.

However this is only and ideal life from the moves and today avery part of the world is influenced by money, by profit and this world is being destroyed for the interests of big companies. No one can hide to any part of the word and there are problems everywhere. The problems with pollution, the problems of stealing and other criminal activities. Poverty, greed and self-interest forces people to harm each other and destroy this planet. So there is no other way but to firstly change the mentality and expand the awareness of the whole world population in order to be able to live here without fearing each other.