Day 201: Lack of motivation to live my life fully

I have been reading, hearing, and watching stories of great success in the lives of others for many years. Stories about the people who were born as poor, who struggled with their low self-esteem, yet they then transformed their lives and become very successful and rich. I have been part of groups where they are teaching principles of success yet I wondered why somehow all that knowledge does not stick with me. Why does it simply not rub off and influence me into also becoming someone who develops my own business projects that generate a lot of money and why I have not created my own family?

In current times of the coronavirus feardemic, I am observing how confusion about what is actually going on is increasing. There are pressures to war mask and some are predicting forced vaccination, transition to use of only digital currencies, and implementation of a totalitarian state where everyone will constantly be tracked and monitored, like in China. And some fear that the 5G technology will be used to significantly depopulate the human race. These certainly are dangers that make living not very pleasant and many are becoming more and more depressed. Also, I am wondering what to do since the world is changing drastically and I have to make decisions about what to do in order to face all the challenges.

A few months ago I have started to work as a distributor of new learning technology. It is a high-ticket product and I have been wondering how successful I can be with selling it considering the current global economic situation. Distributors have been handed a presentation book that we use to explain to prospective clients the relationship between vocabulary and success in life. And I have also been using the tool for myself in order to rebuild and expand my own word treasure. I am each day spending at least one hour to progress with the integration of the word lists that are arranged by levels and correspond to the grades of the public education system.

Integrated word lists include many words that are familiar to me and also words that I have absolutely no clue what they mean. For each word, I check the definition in several dictionaries in order to learn every context of its use. This activity made me realize that some words have very little or just one definition and some have over 50 possible meanings in indifferent situations. It takes quite some time to progress with the integration of words and I wonder if it is worth investing so much time in learning words with such perfection. Because who knows how ofter if ever there will be an actual opportunity to read texts or to communicate all the words that am integrating by expressing all of their possible definitions.

Words are being used more frequently with some meanings and less frequent with other meanings. Existing words are being used in new ways and thus their definition list is being expanded. Some words are being used less in some contexts which makes them archaic and their definitions obsolete. And there are new words being created on a constant basis according to new discoveries, new technology, and other progress in human society. So languages are a living entity that perpetually transforms and thus mastering them is a neverending process. And that makes learning it a bit annoying when approaching it with a tendency to just learn it once and for all and check it permanently as done.

Actually, I came to realize that such an approach is the core reason why I lack motivation in my life. Because whenever I make a decision there is a need for me to determine the outflow of events and thus estimate if the decision is aligned with what my goals are. Yet even setting goals is something I actually am avoiding due to so many options available out there. And in that sense, there are possibilities that I currently am aware of and there are all of the endless options that I even can not imagine that are possible to be manifested. Besides that things and possibilities that currently do not physically exist can be also created if only I come with new ideas and then engage in action to turn them into something tangible.

Thus life is a constant process of discovering what exists, what has existed in the past, defining and making sense existence, looking for own position in existence, defining yourself, realizing your past, current, and future influence on the existence, deciding about your purpose, vision, and mission, engaging in actions, stopping and reflecting on self, loosing, searching and finding self again, remembering and forgetting, expanding and contracting, exhaling and inhaling, creating and destroying, and then doing it over and over again in the perpetual cycle since existence is one and it can be in no other way that constantly inverting itself. And this is also why a torus is its best geometrical representation.

When asking myself about what to do, there are two basic options. One is doing something where I influence the world outside myself and the other is doing something where I influence my inner world. I realized that for the most part of my life I wanted to influence the world outside myself, especially some members of my family due to my specific relationship with him. I got used to doing what that individual tells me what to do since I would then also get the things I wanted from him. And I was raised to be innovative and inquisitive in order to positively impress that man and others by presenting myself as someone how is more advanced than others.

Yet while excelling at things there was consistency and depth that were lacking. It was never about genuinely being attracted to doing something and then developing the skill to the level of high mastery in order to become a valuable expert who solves problems of other people. It was more about just craving for recognition from others and creating a superficial public image of someone who is worthy of being admired. Instead of experiencing a sustainable fulfillment by perfecting myself, I was hooked on short-term energetic experiences of good feelings created when others would praise me. Which consequently also created periods of feeling low, heavy, and tired as the energetic polarity. I realized that the only solution for myself is to priorities my own self-development in order to be able to truly excel in life. 

And when identifying what is the thing that I need to develop within myself in order to be more effective, I learned that it skills of self-expression and directing others through communication. I remember the storyline that came through when I did my first guided hypnotic regression to my first past life where I was in a female body. I got hanged by the crowd of peers who labeled me as impure after someone invading Wiking raped me. And I just let others hang me decided to remain silent due to losing hope in any kind of success by trying to convince them to change their anger-possessed minds by using words. And that is why I have been holding such deep sadness inside myself all these years since I did not see any way of how to make others comprehend and accept me as I am.

However, when progressing on my path of self-awareness I realized that a coin has two sides. While expecting from others to treat me nice and with compassion, I asked myself what was my attitude towards them. And I realized that I did actually care for others and their lives. I lacked the social skills and ability to see others as one and equal. My whole life was just about displaying myself better than others and wanting to be praised. No wonder I was often met by being judged by others since I have been doing exactly the same towards them. So I could say that it was myself that I am actually sad about since I did not develop the skills and awareness about how to live in this word effectively and to see others as part of myself. I have made a lot of improvement about that yet there is much more to do.

During introspection, I discovered that my communication skills are actually not so excellent as I perceived them to be. Sure I am able to read, speak, and write in Slovene and English language and I comprehend German and Croatian language well. Yet I realized I am lacking a lot of the basics knowledge about grammar and I could not even spell in English. Those poor foundations are what disabled me in being an effective communicator and to identify and correct mistakes in my writing and speaking. So I am now basically starting from scratch and learning every respect of what a language is and how to use it with utmost perfection. It is like I am with the age of 47 going into the first class of a primary school and discovering what is a verb, a noun, and other terms of linguistics.

I see that many adults who decide on a relationship and get their own children have the opportunity of reliving their primary school education experience while assisting their kids with their homework. Having kids is thus helpful for adults to refresh and improve their primary school knowledge, including core knowledge of the language. And since I do not have children of my own, I am disciplining myself to in a similar way rewalk my basic education since the public schools did a poor job of guaranteeing perfect integration of all subjects, leaving me inadequate in language, math, and many other skills. I am motivating myself on a daily basis to fill the holes in my core knowledge so that I will be able to stand and perform more confidently, with the ability to express myself with words and achieve my goals.

Recommended related educational audios from Eqafe:

Motivation
How Language Substantiates the Mind
The Nature of Words
Encoding Communication and Programming Relationships
We do not even See Ourselves
Mask of Innocence

Day 144: Ashamed in front of the whole primary school class

This is continuation of my previous 7 blog posts in order to analyse all the memory impressions from my past that contributed to my cold legs syndrome. I am changing the titles to from now on be aligned with the point that I am walking and not with the syndrome itself. So while I thought that I have finished with all the relevant points regarding this condition, my Desteni I Process buddy checked the situation and saw that there are still 4 more relevant points left for me to walk. Thus I have checked my memory and did find additional ones that could play a significant role.

It happened to me in last years of the primary school where after the end of a class one of my classmates suggested to have a singing performance. Maybe his parents were part of some music band or were music teachers or member of his family simply enjoyed singing. Obviously he assumed that such is the case in every family and that anyone would be able to sing at least one song by hearth. So it was decided to place one of the class desks in front of the blackboard and each of the classmates will step on the desk and sing one song in front of the whole class. And so they did until it was my turn. However in our family none of members ever sung any song and I never tried to remember the lyrics of any popular songs. I objected and wanted to be skipped but my classmates persisted. They simply could not believe that I would not be able to sing even one song. They encouraged me to go on the 'stage' until I gave in and stepped on top of the desk in from of the blackboard. I tried to remember lyrics and melody of at least one of the songs but I was not able to. I stood there in front of the whole class and started to feel more and more ashamed and as someone who does not fit in. Eventually I stepped down with great embarrassment and I wondered if my classmates would now think of me that I am a total looser. And I never wanted to experience such embarrassment again. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be ashamed if I do not know how to sing and know any song by hearth. I realise that some sing a lot and know many lyrics and can not imagine that others have different talents and pastimes. I commit myself to when and as someone asks me to sing a song and my mind produces thoughts like: “Oh shit, I am in deep trouble since if I do not sing at least time, they will think that I am a looser!” to stop and bring myself back here by focusing on my breath. I then explain them in a calm way as many times as needed so that they are able to understand the fact that I have not been yet developing my singing skills. If they react with spite or do not want to understand this, I keep calm within since their emotional reactions are their own responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to think that I will not be accepted by my classmates if I do not do the same things as the rest of them do. I realise that we are all unique individual beings and that public educational system does not allow us to express as such but shapes us to be similar to each other and rewards us for doing exactly the same as other do. I commit myself to when and as I am in a group situation where I am to do exactly the same thing as others do and my mind goes: “Oh no, what will others think about me if I do not comply? I fear that they will label me as a geek and make my life hard!” to stop and breathe. I stand my ground and do not allow others to manipulate me into doing something that I do not want to or I do not know how to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to feel bad if others in the group that surround me laugh at me due to me not performing as they would like me to. I realise that one can never satisfy all desires and expectations of others and that it is impossible to excel in all fields of expression that exist. Especially in a group environment a special relationship dynamics develops where individuals loose empathy very quickly. I commit myself to when and as I am in a group while they do not treat me as one and equal and my mind start to think: “Better to do something to make them feel good or else they might attack and hurt me!” to stop and breathe. I rather communicate with them directly and clearly and support them with realising how they are acting from the point of separation and that it is best to treat others as one and equal.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-assisting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Losing our Voice from the Reptilians series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

2012 Improving communication and understanding

Miscommunication is a big problem in this word, especially since there are so many languages out there. But even when two people speak the same language there are still many occasions when they can not understand each other. Even when we thing that we understand other person, this could in fact not be true.

If we want to understand the cause off all this, we need to go back in our childhood to the moment when we were born. We could go even more back in time, since the baby starts to hear sounds even when still being in the mothers womb. So from very early period of embryo development, we start to build associations and give meaning to physical feelings, sounds and pictures.

Artwork by Matti Freeman

This is the way the consciousness and our personality is being created. However since we have different experiences, we build different associations to the same objects, sounds and pictures and this is where points of separation are being created. For example two people can have different understanding of the same word and also different emotional reactions associated to this word.

The biggest problem among this are emotional reactions, attached to certain sounds and pictures. If we allow ourselves to emotionally react, the energy takes over control of our physical body and we are unable to stay here and direct ourselves as we want to. Thus self-forgiveness of any associated believes, ideals or any other perceptions is the primary suggested step to make in order to start living here as one with all life.

The next step is vocabulary purification or unification. If we do not have the same definitions that is meanings associated to the sounds and pictures, we are unable to communicate effectively. If we look at other living beings, like animals, we can see, that they are able to understand each other more clearly than humans are able to understand each other. This is definitely worth of consideration.

Improving communication is definitely a challenge that can be solved with different solutions. One could be development of a brand new spoken language that would be used all over the world. Some attempts like Esperanto has been made, but it is not the most effective way of understanding each other. Also a non-verbal way of communication is an option, like it is currently used by people with hearing and speaking disabilities.

However until we unite as one nation, as citizens of planet Earth and all speak the same language, we can start improving communication by removing our mind reactive behavior and focus attention on what the other person is in fact trying to communicate instead of allowing our mind to distract us by backchat and emotional reactions. Also when attempting to communicate a careful selection of world and precise description of the subject is very important in order for message to be delivered as intended.

So when starting communication it is important to breathe, slow down the mind, speak clearly and take time to bring proper message to other person. And when receiving the message it is important not to react on every single word, based on our vocabulary definition, but to firstly check an double check using questions to come to clear confirmation that what your perception of received communication is aligned with what other person actually wanted to communicate.

1. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to speaking fast in order to save time and thus compromise the quality of communication with other people instead of realizing that it is not quantity of information that counts but the amount of clearly transmited pieces of information.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hear or read the words spoken or written by other people and immediately reacting based on my own perception of what the other person is saying instead of firstly making sure that my understanding what other person was communicating is correct.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to immediately to react to all messages that I defined as love & light deception by posting Desteni material as comments and replies instead of taking time to understand the perpective and understanding of the person that posted the message and directing the communication as one and equal with other person until mutual understanding of all facts is achieved.
   
   
4. I commit myself to slow down and take all the necessary time and detailed vocabulary while communicating with others in order to effectively expose all points of separation, illusion and deception until we become able to understand each other clearly and realize the necessity of supporting all life here equally.

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