Day 144: Ashamed in front of the whole primary school class

This is continuation of my previous 7 blog posts in order to analyse all the memory impressions from my past that contributed to my cold legs syndrome. I am changing the titles to from now on be aligned with the point that I am walking and not with the syndrome itself. So while I thought that I have finished with all the relevant points regarding this condition, my Desteni I Process buddy checked the situation and saw that there are still 4 more relevant points left for me to walk. Thus I have checked my memory and did find additional ones that could play a significant role.

It happened to me in last years of the primary school where after the end of a class one of my classmates suggested to have a singing performance. Maybe his parents were part of some music band or were music teachers or member of his family simply enjoyed singing. Obviously he assumed that such is the case in every family and that anyone would be able to sing at least one song by hearth. So it was decided to place one of the class desks in front of the blackboard and each of the classmates will step on the desk and sing one song in front of the whole class. And so they did until it was my turn. However in our family none of members ever sung any song and I never tried to remember the lyrics of any popular songs. I objected and wanted to be skipped but my classmates persisted. They simply could not believe that I would not be able to sing even one song. They encouraged me to go on the 'stage' until I gave in and stepped on top of the desk in from of the blackboard. I tried to remember lyrics and melody of at least one of the songs but I was not able to. I stood there in front of the whole class and started to feel more and more ashamed and as someone who does not fit in. Eventually I stepped down with great embarrassment and I wondered if my classmates would now think of me that I am a total looser. And I never wanted to experience such embarrassment again. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be ashamed if I do not know how to sing and know any song by hearth. I realise that some sing a lot and know many lyrics and can not imagine that others have different talents and pastimes. I commit myself to when and as someone asks me to sing a song and my mind produces thoughts like: “Oh shit, I am in deep trouble since if I do not sing at least time, they will think that I am a looser!” to stop and bring myself back here by focusing on my breath. I then explain them in a calm way as many times as needed so that they are able to understand the fact that I have not been yet developing my singing skills. If they react with spite or do not want to understand this, I keep calm within since their emotional reactions are their own responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to think that I will not be accepted by my classmates if I do not do the same things as the rest of them do. I realise that we are all unique individual beings and that public educational system does not allow us to express as such but shapes us to be similar to each other and rewards us for doing exactly the same as other do. I commit myself to when and as I am in a group situation where I am to do exactly the same thing as others do and my mind goes: “Oh no, what will others think about me if I do not comply? I fear that they will label me as a geek and make my life hard!” to stop and breathe. I stand my ground and do not allow others to manipulate me into doing something that I do not want to or I do not know how to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to feel bad if others in the group that surround me laugh at me due to me not performing as they would like me to. I realise that one can never satisfy all desires and expectations of others and that it is impossible to excel in all fields of expression that exist. Especially in a group environment a special relationship dynamics develops where individuals loose empathy very quickly. I commit myself to when and as I am in a group while they do not treat me as one and equal and my mind start to think: “Better to do something to make them feel good or else they might attack and hurt me!” to stop and breathe. I rather communicate with them directly and clearly and support them with realising how they are acting from the point of separation and that it is best to treat others as one and equal.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-assisting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Losing our Voice from the Reptilians series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 139: Solution for perpetually cold feet

For those who have perpetual cold feet and legs like me and have discovered this blog let me firstly explain what kind of remedy I am going to talk about. It has been proven that our minds plays a major role in creating medical conditions and that our thinking patterns are in most cases also the cause for cool feet and legs. To understand why is that and to get a broader context, I invite you to firstly read my first two related blog posts titled The cause for cold legs and Home remedy for cold feet. After cross-referencing my writing in the latter blog post with the New Kinesiology practitioner who is also my Desteni I Process life skills and self-mastery online course buddy, I will be in this blog post walking deeper dimension of my past experience that contributed to manifestation of my cold legs that she pointed out. While in the previous post I released all emotional attachments to traumatic childhood events where I was painfully punished by my father, I will be in this post deconstructing the other part of the consequence where I have created a specific self-definition and self judgement in order to punish myself.

So in the previous blog post I explained, how the result of my father punishing me using painful methods was my reaction with anger and resentment as immediate response. However the other long-term consequence was creation of prevention and avoidance mechanism in order to protect myself from experiencing pain again in the future. Parents usually do not take time and patience to openly and clearly communicate with their children, often due to their believe that children will not be able to understand the explanation. They mostly use only orders and commands and justify them as they are the the parents and authority. This results is suppression within the child and creation of coping and survival mechanism. In relation to my parents punishing me without me fully understanding why, I also developed a character of being an obedient servant or a slave that immediately does exactly what other say without any objection.

I have lost my power as a men and have in a sense been castrated and turned into eunuch. I have become a policeman where in my head I would constantly hear voices of my father that police and criticise all of my actions. I have started to suppress myself; my expression, wants and desires and began to look only about how I can please others, especially my father. I have lost my voice and became quiet introverted person that is not able to be heard by others. I have lost my footing and grounding, that literally manifested as my cold feet, showing me that I have no capacity to stand and have thus been constantly falling when attempting to achieve anything in my life. This also explains my vision during first hypnotic regression session into past life where I found myself in a female body, recently raped by violent invading viking and I have then allowed myself to be publicly lynched by hanging due to being labeled as impure without ever taking an opportunity to say a single word in my defence. With use of specific tools as anyone can learn to use them by enrolling into free online course DIP Lite, I am now going to release this construct of self-suppression:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to being punished by my father by developing a introverted personality where I would stop trying to voice myself in order to protect my integrity and capacity. I realise that while as I child I had much less physical power and limited vocabulary to express myself, I am now a gown man with ability to voice myself and fully communicate with others. I commit myself to when and as I feel that I have been misunderstood by others and my mind starts to produce thoughts like: “Better not say anything that would anger them since this will only make situation worse!” or “There is no point is saying anything since they are not be able to understand me.“ to stop and breathe. In situations where others wrongly accuse me, I am taking power back by clearly, directly and strongly stand my ground and defend what I feel is true and right. I am no more protecting my outer character of being a nice person while my true inner being is being diminished more and more. I say till here no further, I am drawing the line and no one is ever again allowed to infiltrate my personal space.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to parts of my father enter my mind where he has started to police, criticise and control every of my action with thoughts or voices in my head that prevent my full and unlimited expression. I realise that by allowing and accepting such viruses in my mind, I have become mentally sick and thus incapable of reaching my true potential. I commit myself to when and as I live my daily life and my mind is coming out with thoughts like: “Are you sure that you are doing it right? What about if you are wrong? What will the others think about you?” to immediately stop such thoughts by focusing on my breath. Instead of being directed by automatic voices in my head, I rather for a measure of what I should do and what not use the principle of what is best for all with consideration of all beings being one and equal as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear criticism of others, thinking that if others will not like me, I will not be able to survive in this world. I realise that while such might be true in my first several years after my birth where I actually my sole survival was completely dependant on my parents, I have slowly grown into a boy that is able to find food, shelter and whatever needed to survive in this world. I commit myself to when and as others have something to say about me to listen, hear and see if what they are saying is an actual fact and a precious feedback about my past actions or is it their own mind projection, based on their own accepted and allowed limitations, lies and believes that have nothing in common with the truth as universal physical reality. If someone shows me something, I commit to always use mu self-honesty to look into myself and to use principles of what is best for all and equality and oneness and give that person a feedback where from my perspective they are correct in their observations and where and why I see that in other statements they are not aligned with reality and acting based on their pure self-interest and separation from life as the illusion of the mind.

In relation to this blog post, I again invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-realisation tools within DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Emotional Manipulation Games from the Parenting - Perfecting the Human Race series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational material that hold answer to any imaginable question about life and this existence.