Day 146: Self-criticism of my belly

Several years ago when I used to do a lot of mountain biking, my friend and I took a trip with our mountain bikes to the nearby Stol (Chair) mountain. During the downhill we stopped in the forest for a short rest and I asked him if he can take a picture from the side with me posing on my bike. After I downloaded the picture and looked at it on my computer my belly took most of my attention since it was like protruding forward and it did not looked attractive to me like I imagined it would. My goal was to give an elegant pose but I was ashamed of my posture the way it looked on the picture . So I did not post this photo on social media because I thought that others would criticise me.

After that I have for many times occasionally observed my belly in the mirror and wondered how I usually look from the side to the other people. I wanted my belly to be nice and attractive, especially to girls, of course. In many movies there are scenes where girls admire six-pacs of the guys and how it is suppose to be sexy. However I recently also stumbled on one article that explains how most of the women like men with the bigger bellies however I am not sure if they explained why. There is also a character of Santa Claus that has a big belly and is associated with a kind personality. And my father also has a big belly and he used to joke that a responsible lord has to keep his tools under the roof. There was also one viral video that showed a guy with big round protruding belly who hit it with his palm fast and it turned into a six-pacs. This obviously demonstrated that also bodybuilders are able to relax the belly muscles so that it looks protruded and round and when they decide to expose their six-pacs, they have to make an effort to activate their belly muscles. I also wondered if my spine has deformed in a more obvious S shape since I have been sleeping on my belly from my early childhood. Despite of all this worries about how my belly could look in the eyes of others, I never gave it much attention like becoming obsessed with going to gym or wanting to have a six-pacs to impress girls. However it does somehow persist in my subconscious mind and it influences my self-image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to have a six-pacs in order to become attractive and get girls. I realise that I had several girls and none of them complained about my belly. And as some research explained, some girls prefer big bellies oven plain ones or even six-pacs. I commit myself to when and as I observe a photo of me where my belly is protruding and my mind produces thoughts like: “Look at that big ugly belly! You should be ashamed of it and if you will do nothing about it, you will not be able to attract any girls.” to stop and breathe. I then continue to observe the photo of me and not allowing any emotional reaction to take over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my belly to bellies of other people, especially those who are actors in the movies and models in the fashion magazines. I realise that movies and magazines tend to promote a certain ideal of beauty and physical perfection and ignore the fact that humans come in various and very different shapes and sizes. I commit myself to when and as I observe myself on the photo or in the video and my mind goes: “What a geek, your body looks so strange that it would be better to hide yourself from the public in order not to create a disgust in the eyes of other!“ to stop and breathe. I then continue to observe pictures of me within energetic stability and awareness that it is natural to be different from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that my posture is bad and that my spine is crooked without even visiting a doctor or chiropractor in order to confirm the extend of how much if at all the shape of my spine is off from the optimum and if there are any concerns and needs to be adjusted. I realise that if my posture would be so much off I would received at least one comment from my friends about that so I should be just fine. I commit myself to when and as I think about the shape of my spine and my mind is producing an imagination how my spine is crooked to stop and breathe. I then refocus to something more important in my life or decide to schedule an appointment with s specialist to provide me with a real facts about the condition of my spine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a physical image of my body is so much important due to promotion of visual ideals in the public media. I realise that in any relationship physical image plays a very small role comparing to the whole spectrum and dimensions of interactions and collaboration that two life partners perform during the whole day alone and together. I commit myself to when and as I go in my mind and start to use my imagination to compare my physical body to any body of actor or a model, to stop and breathe. I then rather do some practical work with full acceptance of the way how my physical body witch I am temporarily incarnated in my current human experience looks like and with awareness that it is just one current dimension of who I am as eternal living being. 

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-assisting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audios titled Self Image and Imagination from the Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 145: Embarrassed in front of the dancing class

A similar memory that I walked in my previous blog post is being embarrassed by a dancing teacher in front of other classmates. Around age of 30 one of my female friends asked me if I would be willing to be her partner at tango dancing class. I liked this girl quite a lot and considered her a potential life partner. I did made several attempts to hit on her but she responded with letting me know that she does not enjoy the way I approached her. So I was very happy to see that she invited me to a dancing class with hopes that this might be a gathering that will being us closer together.

A couple of years before that friend invited me to a tango dance class I have attended many basic standard dancing classes at private music and dancing school called Tango. However that did not mean that the school was specialised in giving tango dancing lessons, that was just a name that the founder of the school picked out. We did have a couple of standard tango dancing lessons while I visited that school but I did not have any opportunities to practice dancing afterwards.

When my girlfriend invited me to a tango dancing class she told me that it will be just a couple of sessions in span of one weekend. When we arrived at the dancing hall for the first time I noticed that she was surprised to find out that the kind of tango that will be taught was not a classic but the Argentinian tango. She kinda missed that detail of information. And what we found out very soon was that there are big differences between those two kinds of tango. Not only that but we realised that it was also not a beginners class but a very advanced class. So we struggled very hard to keep with the pace of the lessons or better to say, we were unable to fit in.

And there was also a very unpleasant experience for me where I failed to fulfil the ideals of the dancing teacher in the most basic matter. It was the occasion where dancing teacher wanted to check out the way how our bodies move. So the first thing that he instructed all class participants was to form a very big circle. Then each one of us was to walk diagonally across the floor from one side of the circle to the opposing one. When the participants would finish the walk, they would receive an applaud and the praise about their grace of movement was given to them.

Eventually it was my turn to do the walk. So I stated to move my body and I took the long walk across the hall while others would watch me carefully. However when I arrived at the other side, the dancing teacher started to lough loudly and criticise the way I walked. He said that I absolutely do not know how to walk and that had never seen anyone walk more clumsily than me. I was very shocked and started to feel ashamed since never before anyone told me that there was something wrong with the way I walked. And I became also angry about the dancing teacher since I considered it wrong to behave in so insensitive way towards his dancing class attendees.

That event created quite a deep impression within me and after that when I would walk down the street I would often think that other are observing me and judging the way I walk. And there was also a related event several years later when I visited Desteni farm. Once when I had a conversation with Bernard he would with strong voice criticise the way I walk wanting to somehow show me that by waking as the way I did I am showing some kind of personality that was not in the best interest of all. And several years later I was also interviewed by some private TV channel and they also recorded some scenes of me while walking in the forest. However I never saw the recording of that interview and I am even not sure that it was aired at all. That created additional backchat and increased thinking that I am walking so strange that other even do not want to publicly show the recording of my walk.

Up to this day I am still asking myself what the hell is suppose to be wrong with the way I walk. And I also did never seen any video recording of me while walking. I wonder if the way I walk had changed in the past years due to progressing in the process of self-realisation. Maybe I did walked before in a way where it was shown that my body is very stiff and not very fluid in movement due to my past professional career where I would sit in front of computer for the most of the time. Maybe I now walk differently and no one has any reason to criticise my walk anymore. Anyway, I am recently careful to pay attention on my physical body while I walk and make sure that my walk is very relaxed, that I feel comfortable and that I do not allow myself to give any attention to the thoughts where I would think that others are observing and criticising the way I walk or look like. I have considered also to specifically made an effort to record the way I walk in order to observe how I actually move for my own self-reflection. But I do not consider this very important at this time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blindly accept the invitation from my friend to join her at a tango dancing class with expectation that she knows exactly what the class will be about. I realise that other people might not take proper time and focus to understand what some event is about and can come to a false conclusion. I commit myself to when someone invites me to some event and my mind produces thoughts like: “Just say yes and trust them since they must know what the event is about and that I will also enjoy it!” to stop and breathe. I then take time to do my own research and cross-reference if expectations of the one who invited me are aligned with the actual detailed description of the event plans.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that if someone is in a role of a teacher they must follow a proper conduct of behaviour and be careful not to say anything that will make their class attendees uncomfortable. I realise that any person who is sometimes also in a role of a teacher is also in process of self-realisation and that I must not expect from anyone to be nothing but perfect. I commit myself to when and as any teacher makes a degrading remark about me and my mind goes: “They should not say that and hurt my feelings since they are a teacher and must respect me completely and unconditionally!“ to stop and breathe. I then within awareness that all are in the process of self-transformation and that none of the remarks is to be taken personally communicate with the teacher and support them as one and equal in realisation how they can improve their communication with other by taking full self-responsibility for their own mind projections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hurt by the remark of the native Argentinian tango teacher that laughed at the way I walked. I realise that in Argentina they have a very different culture where most of residents practice their form of tango from a very young age and thus they also develop a more fluid and gracious way of physical body movement. I commit myself to when and as some skilled professional criticises something that I have done and my mind comes up with thoughts like: “Oh no, I am such a bad person who should be deeply ashamed of what I have done!“ to stop and breathe. I then with full understanding of the whole history of that professional communicate with them and explain that we all have different past experiences that shaped us and that they should not expect from others to excel the sam way as they do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for previous comments about the way of how I walk to haunt me. I realise that some comments were made from the points of separation and some were made with intent to support me in developing myself. I commit myself to when someone is commenting the way I move and I start to think: “Poor me, does really no one love and accept me for who I am?” to stop and breathe. I then communicate with the person who gave the comment and ask for a detailed explanation in order to understand if they want to actually support me or if they are only projecting their own points of separation. If I see that the comments are manifestation of emotions like spite, envy or competition, I dismiss the comments completely. And if the comments proved to be supportive in terms of showing me how my specific body movement express my patterns od self-limitation, I take them into account and use them to correct myself with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I go out for a walk to think about the possibility that someone is watching me and criticising the way how my physical human body moves. I realise that while someone might observe me when I am outside in the public, all judgments about my body movements are their own responsibility and have nothing to do with me. I commit myself to when and as I am outside and use my human physical body as medium of transportation or self-expression and my mind start to produce thoughts like: “Pay attention that you move in such a way that you fit into the crowd and not stand out in any way since others will start to criticise or even attack you!” to stop and breathe. I then if I am walking or running pay attention that my human physical body is as relaxed as possible and that it moves as naturally as possibly. And if I use my body to express myself while doing some movements that others might find strange, to disregard what others might think and express myself fully, following the natural flow of movements within complete oneness with my human physical body.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-assisting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Embarrassment and Personalities from the Atlanteans series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 144: Ashamed in front of the whole primary school class

This is continuation of my previous 7 blog posts in order to analyse all the memory impressions from my past that contributed to my cold legs syndrome. I am changing the titles to from now on be aligned with the point that I am walking and not with the syndrome itself. So while I thought that I have finished with all the relevant points regarding this condition, my Desteni I Process buddy checked the situation and saw that there are still 4 more relevant points left for me to walk. Thus I have checked my memory and did find additional ones that could play a significant role.

It happened to me in last years of the primary school where after the end of a class one of my classmates suggested to have a singing performance. Maybe his parents were part of some music band or were music teachers or member of his family simply enjoyed singing. Obviously he assumed that such is the case in every family and that anyone would be able to sing at least one song by hearth. So it was decided to place one of the class desks in front of the blackboard and each of the classmates will step on the desk and sing one song in front of the whole class. And so they did until it was my turn. However in our family none of members ever sung any song and I never tried to remember the lyrics of any popular songs. I objected and wanted to be skipped but my classmates persisted. They simply could not believe that I would not be able to sing even one song. They encouraged me to go on the 'stage' until I gave in and stepped on top of the desk in from of the blackboard. I tried to remember lyrics and melody of at least one of the songs but I was not able to. I stood there in front of the whole class and started to feel more and more ashamed and as someone who does not fit in. Eventually I stepped down with great embarrassment and I wondered if my classmates would now think of me that I am a total looser. And I never wanted to experience such embarrassment again. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be ashamed if I do not know how to sing and know any song by hearth. I realise that some sing a lot and know many lyrics and can not imagine that others have different talents and pastimes. I commit myself to when and as someone asks me to sing a song and my mind produces thoughts like: “Oh shit, I am in deep trouble since if I do not sing at least time, they will think that I am a looser!” to stop and bring myself back here by focusing on my breath. I then explain them in a calm way as many times as needed so that they are able to understand the fact that I have not been yet developing my singing skills. If they react with spite or do not want to understand this, I keep calm within since their emotional reactions are their own responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to think that I will not be accepted by my classmates if I do not do the same things as the rest of them do. I realise that we are all unique individual beings and that public educational system does not allow us to express as such but shapes us to be similar to each other and rewards us for doing exactly the same as other do. I commit myself to when and as I am in a group situation where I am to do exactly the same thing as others do and my mind goes: “Oh no, what will others think about me if I do not comply? I fear that they will label me as a geek and make my life hard!” to stop and breathe. I stand my ground and do not allow others to manipulate me into doing something that I do not want to or I do not know how to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to feel bad if others in the group that surround me laugh at me due to me not performing as they would like me to. I realise that one can never satisfy all desires and expectations of others and that it is impossible to excel in all fields of expression that exist. Especially in a group environment a special relationship dynamics develops where individuals loose empathy very quickly. I commit myself to when and as I am in a group while they do not treat me as one and equal and my mind start to think: “Better to do something to make them feel good or else they might attack and hurt me!” to stop and breathe. I rather communicate with them directly and clearly and support them with realising how they are acting from the point of separation and that it is best to treat others as one and equal.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-assisting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Losing our Voice from the Reptilians series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 143: Why do my feet and legs feel cold?

You are reading the 7th consecutive blog post about cold feet or cold legs symptom that I have been experiencing for about last 10 years. For the full context of this process, I invite you to firstly read my previous related blog posts titled (1) The cause for cold legs where I discovered that one of the causes is separating me from myself by creating a constant self-criticism character, (2) Home remedy for cold feet where I walked the first contributing memory of my father painfully punishing me in my early childhood, (3) Solution for perpetually cold feet where I expanded the previous point of blame from perspective of defensive character that I develop in regards to my father punishing met, (4) Why are my legs always freezing cold where I faced the third important memory of being bullied by classmates during the first years of middle school, (5) Cold Feet Symptoms, Causes and Treatments where I went into my memory of not being accepted to middle school of photography and design and (6) Natural Cure for Cold Feet where I walked the timeline of being under pressure while working at my father's family business. In this blog post I will be facing the last event that I feel is relevant to my cold legs symptom which is breakup with my first girlfriend after three years of living together.

In the previous blog post I described how meeting a girlfriend was for me like an exit ticket from the tyranny of my father since at the time where I worked in his family business I was slowly conditioned into workaholism and I was not able to motivate myself enough to move out of the house to my own apartment and start developing independence. However when I met my first girlfriend at 24 years of age, moving to own apartment was much more easier since I did not do it alone. Moving to our own flat gave me also the practical reason to enforce eight-hour workday and a salary since before that I worked from morning to evening, even weekends, and I received no payment so I had to ask my father to buy me what I needed.

So when I started the first serious relationship with a girlfriend, I had a vision how we would be creating independent life and not allow any more to be pressured my any of our fathers. I expected from my girlfriend to watch my back and to deflect all attempts of breaking our unity. However while I was able to stand up for myself, she started to give in and continued to work overtime in each case where her father would demand from her to do so. And not only that, she also became a double agent and functioned as mediator between me and my father. I felt deeply betrayed because of that. Despite of all that, I continued to maintain the relationship with conviction that until at least one of the partners is dedicated to keep the relationship together, it will somehow work out. Those believes shuttered when after three years of living together, my girlfriend left me with explanation that she does not feel safe.

That event produced a devastating blow to me and I felt like I am incompetent partner and not able to be a good provider. After period of deep grievance and mourning, I decided to assure that such defeat will never happen to me again. It was the beginning of my dedicated research of psychology, human relationship and spirituality that has continued to this very day with great benefits for me. Eventually I realised that living alone in my own apartment and working as a freelancer was the necessary change that I definitely needed in order to have time and quiet space for introspection and self-reflection. If my girlfriend and I would have had kids, our lives would be very different and maybe we would eventually also break up which would produce even worse consequences for our children. I think that everyone should live alone and work without being influenced by their parents for several years in order to look at the inherited mind patterns and transform them as many as possible in order not to transfer them to their offspring.

Now is the time to look at these described events and take back my power by applying self-forgiveness for the points where I abdicated self-responsibility and created character of victim:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe that I myself as a single person do not have enough will to find my own apartment and demand a salary from my father in order to start developing my independence while I was working for him. I realise that I am the only one who is needed to change current situation in my life and that I do not need to be in any kind of relationship with some other person who would act as additional motivation. When and as I feel that I am not comfortable with how situation in my life is and my mind is creating thoughts like: “Now is not the right time for change, best to wait until you meet some other person that will assist you in making the change together!” to stop and breathe. I then take full control of my life and do the necessary change with awareness that I am the only one that I am waiting for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to have specific expectations about the person that I am in relationship with and holding on to relationship with hopes that other person will eventually change and align with our agreement. I realise that some humans have deeply rooted mind patterns and that it takes years to transform them and that some do not want to change even if supported with great effort. I commit myself to when and as I engage in a relationship to clearly express my expectations and minimum standards of behaviour and to set a deadline about how long I am willing to tolerate deviations. If the other person does not respect our agreement, is consistently and for significant period of time breaking the agreement, I commit to end the relationship and move on. I realise that my integrity comes first and I am not allowing anyone to compromise my core principles and life vision. There are a lot of people in this world and best to find someone who is aligned with me to satisfactorily level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to feel betrayed and sad if after a specific period of time I separate with a person that I have been in relationship with. I realise that I will be in life meeting many people and I will create with them certain relationship that will last as long as I need to realise some points and learn something and then we will go our separate ways in order to meet new people that will assist us to gain additional realisations. I commit myself to when and as I break up with someone and my mind produces thoughts as: “You are a bad and incompetent person and you have screwed up a precious relationship and you should be ashamed about that!“ to stop and breathe. I then fully accept the situation with realisation that coming together and breaking up is a perfectly normal part of life and that eventually death will part us from everything and everyone in this physical existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe that physical intimacy is something essential for my physical body and that I absolutely need some sex partner in form of another human being. I realise that my physical body is constantly touching something like the ground, the chair, the bed, and primarily the clothes that I wear. Then instead of looking for someone to be gentle and to caress my body, I can give such sensations already to myself in form of Abhyanga full body massage with warm oil or go to a massage to some professional. Also if I feel that my body needs to move or stretch itself, I can do some yoga asanas, go dancing, hiking, visit a gym or masturbate. When and as I sense that my body is craving for some physical sensation, and my mind is saying to me: “You need some girlfriend that will hug you, have sex with you and perform different sport and social activities with you!“ to stop and breathe. I then see what king of intimacies and activities I have projected onto someone outside of myself and rather look how I am totally able to satisfy those needs by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to walk the process of self-transformation for many more years in order to clear additional mind pattern before I decide to have children. I realise that there are many layers of mind patterns within each of us and that one lifetime will probably not be enough to clear them all. I commit myself to when and as I contemplate about having children and my mind is telling me: “You are still full of shit so best not to have any children since you will transfer all you current limited believes to them and thus you become a criminal!“ to stop and breathe. I then in case of me meeting a proper partner to have kids with to be open to create my own family since children are also a cool support and assistance as they mirror your own patterns and thus enable quantification of the process effectively.  

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-assisting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Long-term Melancholy after Relationship Breakup from the Life Review series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 142: Natural Cure for Cold Feet

You are reading the 6th consecutive blog post about cold feet or cold legs symptom that I have been experiencing for about last 10 years. For the full context of this process, I invite you to firstly read my previous related blog posts titled (1) The cause for cold legs where I discovered that one of the causes is separating me from myself by creating a constant self-criticism character, (2) Home remedy for cold feet where I walked the first contributing memory of my father painfully punishing me in my early childhood, (3) Solution for perpetually cold feet where I expanded the previous point of blame from perspective of defensive character that I develop in regards to my father punishing met, (4) Why are my legs always freezing cold where I faced the third important memory of being bullied by classmates during the first years of middle school and (5) Cold Feet Symptoms, Causes and Treatments where I went into my memory of not being accepted to middle school of photography and design. In this blog post I will be facing the next event that I feel influenced me psychologically in causing my cold legs syndrome which is resentment towards my father for pressuring me too much during my employment at our family business after I finished the middle school.

So, my father was originally a chimney sweep and my mother worked as midwife. Then my father progressed and became head of steel factory air purification system. After that he started to produce innovative products for the steel industry that already in the start of my middle school study developed in our family business. But then my father imported sign-making CNC machine from USA and due to recession in steel industry, we transformed into visual communications company. That was the breaking point since me and my brother became main production workers and my father took a role of bringing in the orders and providing all the tools and materials for the production. I as the only one skilled with computers was assigned tasks of digitalisation and vectorisation of logos, cutting them from self-adhesive foil rolls, assembling and mounting the signs and I also did the pre-press and films production for department of screen-printing that was managed by my younger brother.

The problem was that I was in the position where I had to spend most of time sitting in front of computer and using keyboard and mouse to create designs that were then used in my sign-making and also in brother's screen-printing department. The tasks that required direct involvement of my brother were only preparing the printing screens and initial phase of printing machines alignment and for printing of complete number of orders he was able to use additional hired man power. However every phase of the computer related and non computer related manufacturing process in my department was so demanding that I was the only one with sufficient knowledge and skills. And I had also the biggest responsibility since every mistake in the initial design process that was then reproduced before it was discovered meant a big time and financial cost for our company.

Additional nuisance was that my brother during his childhood develop a character of a joker and had been constantly seeking attention like by crawling silently under the table and scaring me. So while he had excessive time and wanted to play with me, my new job required a full focus and quiet environment. Then he even started to seek additional attention from my father in form of finding any mistake that I would make that day and when my father would return home from trip to clients, he would tell on me. My father then came to me and started to criticise me with anger for reported mistakes and he also could not comprehend that I only made a little progress with computer designs while he made many deals with the clients and traveled with his car hundreds of kilometres in the same time. The bottom line is that I was constantly pressured by my father and I had to do my job with less mistakes and much faster.

This progressed to the stage where I have been working from morning to evening even during weekends and I felt that whatever I do and no matter how much I try, I will never meet the expectations of my father. I was deeply disappointed that he treated me even worse than any other employee that worked in our company while I expected from him to understand and respect me more than others since I was his son and part of the family. I felt like the lowest level slave and disciplined to obey and perform as instructed by my father without seeing any way of escape. I felt into a trans-like state where I started to perceive the virtual computer reality as more real that the outer physical reality. Eventually I had to seek professional help and started to visit public psychologist. Sessions where I was able to speak out my mind without being criticised assisted me a lot and I was able to regain sufficient level of mental stability. However I still felt trapped and I knew that as long I would live in the same three-storey house where we had manufacturing facilities in the ground floor and my brother and parents would live with me in the top two floors, I would be still treated only as a production slave.

When I met my first girlfriend while I had as representative of our company visited the home business of one of our biggest client, I saw the opportunity of escape. Just couple of weeks after I met my girlfriend, we decided to move out of houses of our parents into our own flat. When I told my father that I am moving out, he made an incredible big emotional drama believing that I am by moving away telling him and all the world that he is a terrible parent. Then in the next four years, my parents firstly influenced my girlfriend and me to move twice to a new apartment closer to their house. And my father continued to pressure me and also used my girlfriend as a messenger who tried to convince me to work at my father's company for a bit longer and do yet some additional urgent jobs. All this accumulated to the point where my girlfriend decided to break up with me and move out from my apartment. This was the breaking point where I then decided to completely stop working for my father and started working as a freelancer.

Now I will look at relevant interactions and regain my footing by forgiving myself all the projected points of separation where I made others responsible for my own decisions in events as described above:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to work as the only computer specialist in our company while if I really wanted to could persist in educating co-workers to be equally skilled with computers as I was. I realise that decision for me to work as the only IT guy was also influenced by me and other family members to allow the most responsible work to be shared only among family members in order to keep the business in boundaries of our family line and not wanting to expand much to also include those who are not part of our bloodline. The starting point was to keep it small and manageable to fit the available space in the ground floor and not needing to build additional manufacturing facilities or even a new factory on a new location. When and as I look at the memories of the period when I was employed by my father and my mind produces thoughts like: “I suffered because I was pressed to much by my father and he is the one who has the full responsibility for that!“ to stop and breathe. I then see and realise my own participation in the events where I was equally responsible for the decision of working alone since it also fitted me best considering all the circumstances in that period of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be mad about my younger brother who has been constantly seeking the attention by secretly scaring me while I was working with computer. I realise that I did not take time to explain to him how my new job requires me to focus and that I can not allow myself to be distracted anymore. I commit myself to when and as I am doing some task that requires full focus from me and then someone disturbs me and my mind goes like: “What the fuck, just tell this guy to go away and leave me alone!“ to stop and breathe. I then take the time to openly and in detail communicate with the guy who wanted my attention to see if it is something urgent, to explain peacefully that I am doing some job where I do not want to be disturbed and if my attention is needed to schedule a time where me and the guy would be able to get together and communicate about the desired matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed for the good feelings of being something more to direct my decisions about how to deal with work tasks. I realise that I had listened to many conversations where my father praised my achievements in front of our family company clients and I felt good about it. Thus I decided to work alone in order not needing to share the deserving attention with anyone else which was pure expression of my self-interest. I commit myself to when and as I contemplate the approach how to get some job done and my mind is trying to convince me into thinking like: “Best to do it only by yourself and not allow for any co-workers to mess up things!” to stop and breathe. A then rather consider all the options, including sharing the work load with others and do it in a way where best interest of the client is considered and also the interests of all other people who have necessary skills, will and time to assist in completing the job in the most professional, timely and cost-effective way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to give relationship with my parents the most important meaning among all the relationships in my life. I realise that while my parents were the one who provided for my survival in my early years of my childhood and thus started to consider me as part of themselves, my responsibility is also in teaching them that children are also independent beings that need to develop sovereignty and not constantly counting for their parents to save them when they get into trouble. I commit myself to when and as I have some challenge in my life and my mind goes like: “Immediately contact your parents and firstly see if they are the one who can help you!“ to stop and breathe. I then consider all the options that anyone that I know can assist me with and treat my parents equally as anyone else who can help me. And I commit to especially see for myself how I created the situation, how I can get out from it by myself and how to change in order not to get in any undesired situation again in the future. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimise myself during the period of being employed by my father where I felt that I worked to much and had too little time to relax myself and develop my own independent personal life. I realise that during all my career there I had in very single moment the opportunity to negotiate working hours and my free time however it was myself who became overexcited by computers and creating sign and satisfying clients. I commit myself to when and as I plan my daily tasks and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Isn't that job just so excited? Why don't you do just some more tasks and you will relax later.“ to stop and breathe. I then look at how my physical body feels and what is telling me and always consider my well-being as top priority at all my decisions. I realise that work is never done as there will always be something to do. So best to relax regularly and take good care of myself in order to avoid unnecessary consequences in form of pain, illness or injury.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-assisting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Under pressure from the Life Review series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answer to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 4: A TV production crew will shoot my portrait

You can find my Day 3 blog post in my Slovenian blog

I am very excited since in half an hour I expect a TV production crew to arrive at my apartment. They intend to shoot a video portrait of my personality. Final product will be a 5-minute long movie but expected time of video recording in my apartment and in nearby park is to be about 6 hours. The edited video is to be aired on about 18th of April 2013 in a new TV show on our biggest commercial TV stations.

The reason they decided to do a movie portrait of me is because a couple of weeks ago I sold one of the last pieces of my professional video equipment to the nearby video production company that shoots ads and show for several national TV stations. It was the young director of Studio Produkcija who ordered me to bring the video equipment for display and at that time I also gave him my business card.

Later this director checked out my web site and noticed a series of my 30 short videos where I explained different perspectives about human mind, feelings and emotions in order for prospect who seek psychological counseling and coaching to know more about my approach and decide to book a meeting with me. Director became very impressed about the videos and decided to call me since they are just producing a new TV show with a multiple times awarded radio host Denis Avdič.

I expect the airing of my video portrait will assist me in expanding my public recognition and this could result also in getting more customers for my Zakladi življenja business and preparation to my planned political career of implementing Equal Money System. So my transition from being on the back of the camera while working for about 10 years as professional photographer, to becoming one of the characters on the front of cameras is becoming more and more real.

Let us now see how the shooting will turn out and what will be the final product and its effect on my business and public opinion.

2012 Recent experiences of extreme pain in regards to my father and borrowed money

A week ago I also went to visit my father in order to talk about the money that I lent him about a year ago. Hi promised that he will return it to me by the end of past year which did not happened. In January this year I asked him how come that he let me down and where the money went to. He answered that he needed the money in order to buy the material for his handicraft business in order to prepare for this year's tourist season. He is already retired, but still active in mediaeval reenactment and history of print.

I was not fun of hearing that he invested my money is his own business instead of returning me the money as he promised in order for me to support development of my own business. So a week ago I visited him again with intention to check out the current financial status. He said that he expects to return all my money by the end of August this year, which I found unacceptable. I need money now and I have already started to sell my video and photography equipment in order to get the money.

I learned that basically everyone owns a lot of staff that it can be sold and thus converted to cash, and I also decided to sell some stuff that I do not need at this moment in order to cover my monthly expenses. My father own a wan, a motorhome, an apartment, a workshop and many of machines, devices, computers, old books and many more things. So I explained him that from what I see he could easily sell some stuff and get the money, so the excuses that he can not return my money is not real.

In fact I explained him that since he did not return my money, I had to sell my almost new video and photo equipment for at least with 30% of discount, thus I am loosing money since he does not return money that I lent him. I started to blame him for my money loss which in a way is true. However there is also many things that I could done different in order to protect my interest. I simply trusted him that he will return the money so we did not put it in writing and agreed about the details of what would be the consequences of he not returning me the money.

The next day something happened that I then defined to be as manifested consequence of the backchat in regards to this point. In the morning when I got out of my bed, I experienced I slight pain in my back. I had an appointment that day with some potential business partner, but the pain was not strong enough for me cancel the appointment. So I packed my heavy bag with the products samples and drove half un hour away to the house of that person. We sat down in her dining room and started a conversation. After about an hour of sitting, I got up and it that moment I experience immense pain in my back.

The pain was so strong that I could hardly breathe and I would rather die in that moment. It manifested not in the middle of vertical line in my back, but a few centimeters to my right, stretching about three decimeters from the level of my shoulder blade. I asked the person that I have been visiting to assist me with massage which she did. Then I asked her if I may lay down on her bed and she allowed. But it took half un hour for me to managed to lie down on the bed since initial attempts failed due to immense pain when trying to change the posture of my body. But finally I managed to lie down on my belly and rested.

After few hours of lying and being assisted with hot-water bottle on the pain area and additional massages, the pain decreased to the level where I would be able to stand up and go back home. Now, after one week I still feel a slight pain in that area so it diminishes very slowly. It was unusual experience, not the back pain that I experienced in the past, but as the vertical muscle at right side of my spine would be in cramp. I am not completely sure if the pain is connected to the point in regards to my father and money but this could explain the reason.

And yesterday another pain appeared in a very unusual place. In the evening I started to experience a pain on the inner side of my left left leg, a few centimeters above the ankle. At that time I had new pair of socks on and when I pulled the socks down, I noticed the dent on my skin around my leg from the elastic top of the socks. I started to wonder if the socks pressure was to strong and thus resulted in the swelling, but I am not sure. There was no visible change on the surface of the skin, but the area in size of an apple hurt if I would press it with my fingers.

I don't remember hitting my leg in that area that day and I see no great possibility for something to sting me in that spot so the cause for the pain still buffles me a lot. Today the area is still swollen and the minor portion of the skin is red. Could I have hit myself somehow and then forget this event? Strange things happen and make me wonder what to do in order to avoid any further pain and how to walk the process of self-realization in order be as effective as possible. I have a limited time and it is hard for me which way to move and how much time to invest in any activity in order to support myself financially and to be successful in terms of walking my process.

1. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the feeling of anger and resentment towards my father for not returning my money instead of having the conversation based on facts and current situation and directing the point toward solution that would be best for both parties without allowing myself to create any energetic reaction.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to simply trust any person that everything that will turn out just fine, creating just a basic verbal agreement and thus allowing the possibility of misunderstanding and forgetting points, instead of taking time to specify all the details of agreement and putting in in writing so both parties have clear overview of what is expected and what will be the consequences if the agreement is not fulfilled.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to blame my father for causing the loss of my money since I decided to sold my video and photo equipment for much lesser price that I purchased it recently, instead of realizing that the decision of selling the equipment is solely my responsibility and has nothing to do with anyone else.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not to properly record and manage the money incomes and outcomes in my personal life, not knowing knowing how much money I have and thus spending more than I can afford, instead of making sure that this point is clear so I can better plan my investments and ensure that I will not go into debt.

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2012 Analysis of all the opportunities that I have been exposed to

Two days ago I participated at great event in regards to one of two MLM business that I joined couple of weeks ago. This business just started in our country but two leaders of our group managed to create a very spectacular event that exceded even my wildest imagination. It is not that the size of the show was something that I never seen before, I just did not expect this level of excellence to be presented in such early development stage of this business. There were fabulous drum and singing acts involved, gorgeous slide and light shows and also the most luxurious models of Mercedes, Ferrari and Porsche cars were put in the middle of the stage and hall. This certainly impressed all the spectators, including me, who was also invited to the stage as one of the company distributors.

The next day we had a seminar for the distributors where one of the first European diamonds and millionaire taught us about the fastest way to earn a lot of money in this business the fastest way possible. Then also two of other leaders from abroad gave lecture about different points in that business. The coolest thing is that the leaders of our group also managed to come to agreement with leaders of the other group from the same business in our country so that we could work as one big family in order to reduce costs and increase overall effectiveness. What made me think the most was the fact that one can build their distributor network and become a diamond very fast if one fully dedicates to that business for couple of next weeks and focuses all the time and resources on supporting its downline.

This business opportunity has thus been presented to me as a very lucrative way of building a big passive residual income but one has to make some sacrifice and deliberately become totally blind for all other things in life for next couple of years on order to become millionaire. This fact made me consider about what I want to achieve and experience and if this would be the best way to reach these goals. Since my long term goal is implementation of the Equal Money System that would unconditionally guarantee a dignified life for all living beings in this world, and because it will take a lot of money to get into politics and change the system, this seems a cool opportunity to reach this goal faster.

There is also another MLM business that I started about 8 months ago that is also a very cool way of creating a large passive residual income. In comparison to the latest business, the first one is more about education, becoming an effective and responsible manager in you life, but it came out that it takes couple of months before you actually put your first dollar in your pocket versus the latest business where you are able to transfer commissions every single week. And in the first business the product is information in foreign language that many of people in our country do not understand, however in the latest business, the product is a much more healthy form of beverage that almost all people consume on daily basis in large quantities thus you can sell it to a lot more people than the first one.

And there also other money making opportunities that I could use. The primary one is of course my own business where I could offer services of graphic design, photography and counseling, not to mention the Equality Store online shop that i developed for the support of Equal Money System. However there are not many of Equal Money supporters currently and at Desteni they also opened Eqafe online shop with downloadable products that became the main focus in terms of creating their income. As an affiliate I could also participate in promoting Eqafe products and thus earning some money but I am not sure how much income could I generate and how to successfully market the products. The fact is that each one of has has a limited time and I will have to decide what will be my priorities in the future in order to support myself effectively and at the same time create a future that is best for all.

What troubles me the most is that I can not know how things will develop in the future and what path would lead to best results. World situation is a very unstable and everything could change very quickly. World economies could crash, natural disasters could happen, thus nothing is certain. What also troubles me is how the businesses that I am going to participate in will influence my life and lives of others. I realized that every business means building a strong relationship with customers and the line of product and the consequences of the consumption of this product will also influence the way and the sort of people that I will meet and how those people will then start to perceive me. And there is also the different mentality or awareness of associates connected to each of different businesses. So it is quite challenging for me to decide where to invest my time and money.

From what I currently see is that all of two MLM businesses will in the first couple of months or years take money and time before the income becomes larger than expenses and one can do this kind of businesses only if additional source of income has been established or if some money has been saved. I have invested thus far a lot of my money from selling of my apartment in all these businesses and now I have also started to sell all of my video and most of photography equipment to cover all my monthly costs and investments in the MLM businesses. So in order to establish for myself additional source of income I now decided also to restart my counseling services. Since I am now located in the center of our capital city I expect a great demand for my services and a stable income. The only thing that I need to do now is to invest time in redesign of my web site and promotion of my services.

It seems that the best way for me will be to prioritize my counseling business where I could also sell some Desteni or Eqafe products and the products from two of my MLM businesses to my counseling customers in regards to current situation, interests and goals in their lives. Since the rent for my large apartment is very high and since the woodblock floor is old and cracks, I also consider moving to a different apartment with stable floor and lower rent, at least until I also become a millionaire.
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2011 - Evil wins when good people do nothing

There is a general perception in our society, that our countries are governed by our elected politicians, that they know how to to their job and that they do what is best for all. So all what we need is just to relax, go to daily work, obey laws, pay taxes and everything will automatically be taken care of. I am writing this blog while sitting on the grass near a tree which has brunches that touch the ground, in the middle of Tivoli park of Slovenian capital city Ljubljana. It is partially overacted sky, with middle temperatures, people are doing sports in near surrounding, laughing, having fun, and it all seems just perfect. But this scenery is only a part of the whole reality. Our planet is big and there are many things going on not nice at all.

For example yesterday I had some business to do in the middle of the city and I parked the car at the parking house. When I returned and wanted to pay the parking fee at the parking machine, some woman approached and asked: "Do you have any change?". So while mine life is currently pretty ok, and I have enough money to cover my monthly expenses, some people are so desperate that they need to bag for money. But there are also some that abuse bagging and have become professional beggars. You never know if the person who is asking for the money is really in trouble or if it wants to deceive and play with your emotions in order to make you to give the money.

While I went to the post office to collect the post, there was some guy sitting on the bench with some strangely swollen red face, holding a cardboard sign before him. He could also be begging for money in order to receive the medical help. So while I am quite healthy, and I can afford to pay for medical assistance if I get hurt or ill, others do not have enough money to be properly taken care off. And some also abuse this point and make it their profession. I heard there are some organized groups who come even from other countries to big cities where they collect money by making other people to have pity for them. There is always some guy who organizes this events, collect peoples with different disabilities and places them in frequent street areas. Disabled people then beg for money all day long, the organizer provides them with food and drinks, and at the end of the day, he picks them with the bus and provides proper sleeping place for them. Professional beggars earn several times more than average people who are employed in factories. Thus no surprise why some factory workers even decide to become professional beggars.

Why do we allow this? How do you like if someone bags you for the money in the middle of the street? And you even do not know it it is real or fake. Do you want to stop this? Then you will have to take some actions. Because all that exist is the way it is because we allow it, because we do not care and only want to live our individual small lives, our limited reality, and ignore others. We say: "Everything is the way it should be. God knows why some suffer, so it is not my business to mess with God's creation." But what is God, where is God? We do not see it, we can not point it out, and it can not answer our questions. But if you look around, you will notice that everything is the way it currently is because of the past actions of different living beings, especially humans, who are actually the ones who move things around and make things work the way they are, based on our agreements or laws. So it is us who actually create, it is us, who are in fact responsible for the way things currently are. Thus we have the power to make this world a better place by taking self-responsibility and correct this reality.

The problem is only that we all need to take self-responsibility. Currently the majority is acting only based on their self-interest. So we need as many people as possible to become aware of this fact and join the actions that are best for all. At Desteni we have initiated the movement and are building a group that connects people who are willing to take self-responsibility and want to do what is best for all. So we are inviting everyone who wants to make this world a better place to join us and participate in creating a system that will provide for every living being equally. Our program is called 'Equal Money System' and it is a political solution that will change social values and the laws in a way they will not allow any more abuse, hunger and wars. This is our agenda, our goal, but the details about how this system will actually operate still needs to be discussed. We have the Equal Money Forum where you can join, research how current money system operates and how we can change it in the way that everyone will have enough money for decent life. So I invite you to join us in order to create heaven on earth as soon as possible. Thanks!
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2011 - Make-up Artistry

I settled down in the new apartment in Ljubljana and equipped my photo studio with studio flash lights and light shaping attachments like soft-boxes and reflectors different shapes. Then I started to research surrounding streets. I few days ago I stumbled upon interesting company just a two block away that sell professional make-up material and also teaches how to do make-up for different occasions. I went in and introduces myself as the new neighbour photographer and expressed interest to find out more about make-up, since this is part of the photography business. They told me, that in few days they will have a free 3-hour basic personal make-up workshop, so today morning I went there in order to find out the basics of make-up.

About 8 woman came to the workshop and I was the only male, since the workshop was about teaching the personal make-up for the females. One of the woman was asked to be a model and the make-up artist with 15 years of experiences started to show us how to do the make-up. The most important thing is to do the make-up in the way that it is not or hardly noticeable. It is about illusion, about convincing others that this is the way you really look. So if you have a heavy make-up, then others will notice it and they would not believe you that this is you. These were the justifications that make-up artist made. She told us, that it is expected, especially in the business meetings and if you work with customers, to wear a make-up in order to become more beautiful.

Well for me as photographer, it is functional and practical to do some basic make-up to the person who wants to be photographed since if one has a very greasy shin, the light bounces of the oily skin and produces reflection. The human eye sees the person differently that the camera that captures every single detail. So since the photo is intended to be observed for a longer period of time, it is practical to do some matte make-up in order to remove the reflections, but I would not recommend to go beyond this point. If someone wants to change the looks in order to become something more and better, like more beautiful and attractive, this is manipulation and deceptions and I do not support this.

The fact is, that we have started to judge people upon their looks and not upon who they really are as beings. So for me it is not important the looks of someone, but what are the behaviour patterns of someone and how one is able to be be responsible for its actions and the lever of awareness about how this reality operates. There is no such thing as beauty. The make-up artist observed attendees of the workshop and told to some females that one has beautiful skin, the other had beautiful lips, some had beautiful eyes, but this is just a self-deception and projection. The skin is in fact not beautiful. It can be more smooth, with less blemishes and pimples, with equal tonality, and this are the true fact.

One must understand that beauty is a personal judgement and is the polarity opposite of the ugliness. The standard for the beauty is social and cultural programming. Where standards are different, the definitions of beauty are different. And everything that changes is not real, it is a lie. So the definition of the beauty is always a lie and a personal projected judgement. Whenever you judge someone as beautiful, at the same time you judge others as not beautiful or ugly. Thus you separate the reality to acceptable and not acceptable. You create friction between what is here and real and what are the illusional ideals that you have allowed and accepted in your mind. The consequence of this judgement is the friction that produces energy of good and bad feelings and emotions. This energy is blinds you from seeing what is actually here.

So I suggest everyone not to trap yourself in the polarity definitions of the mind like beautiful and ugly, positive and negative, right and wrong, since use of such judgements is the cause of all suffering in this world. Existence can exist in balance only if all the parts of existence are equal. Thus no one can exist as more or less important than other. To find out how the mind works, how we deceive ourselves and each other with point of separation in our minds, and how to effectively remove all this mind viruses, I invite you to join 'Desteni I Process'. And in order to bring equilibrium in the world social system, I recommend researching the 'Equal Money System'. This are all the solutions of Desteni group with thousands of free articles and YouTube videos that are extremely assisting in realising why suffering exists in this world and how to remove it practically and effectively. Join group who does what is best for all and walk with us as equal in building the heaven on earth.
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2011 - I finally moved to our capital city Ljubljana

After few months of searching for appropriate place where I will be able to live and also execute my business services of photography, videography and graphic design in Ljubljana, I finally found some suitable apartment and signed a renting contracts on Monday, 23. May 2011 at 18:00 hours. I immediately spent the night there and the next day I visited local administrative unite and changed my primary residential address to Snežniška ulica 10, 1000 Ljubljana. So from now on I am living in 2nd floor of old renovated house where in the past the embassy of Belgium once was. In next week or two I will be very busy transporting my things to the new place.

The house is located next to embassy of Italy and right next to several universities, which Faculty for Chemistry and Chemical Technology is the closest, and just a few hundred meters away there is a Philosophic Faculty where I plan to start studying psychology this year. There is a large parking place in the back yard of the Faculty for Chemistry which is closed with sluice bar from about 8:00 to 17:00, and I got an electronic card key in order to access the parking place any time. And my visitors have to enter the one-way road to the parking place at the entrance of Faculty for Chemistry, ring at the sluice and tell the gatekeeper that they are visiting me, so that he then raises the bar and enables entrance. But after 17:00 the sluice is raised, so afternoon visitors have no problem accessing my place.

After registering my new residential address, I wanted also visit my bank, telecommunication provider, and Chamber of Craft and Small Business. Since they were scattered in different locations in the centre of the city, I did not want to use the car, since there is hard and expensive to park. But several days ago I watched the news report where they introduces the new services in the city that is called Bicike(LJ). This is the public bicycle rental service, so I wanted to try it out. This service is arranged in the way where on every 300 to 500 meters there is one of 30 bicycle parking space with the renting terminal and about 15 universal bicycles, electronically locked to the column. There is in total 300 available bicycles and 600 electronic parking places. You can pick the bicycle anywhere and return in to different parking place. In order to rent the bicycle, you have to use the Urbana universal city card with integrated identification chip that you can buy at all kiosks. You then need to find some Urbanomat terminal where you get the identification code and then register it online on Urbana web site.

The final step is registering your account on the Bicikelj web site with your credit card. You rent the bicycle with approaching your Urbana card to Bicikelj terminal at the bicycle parking place where you want to rent a bike, enter your pin code and the umber of column with the bicycle that you want to rent. The bicycle gets unlocked and you are able to ride the city on two wheels. In the front there is a basket where you can put your things, and it is well protected in order not to get you dirty from the chain grease or road dirt when raining. The renting is relatively cheap, compared to how much you have to pay for the car parking, and is free for using bicycle the first hour, then in costs you 1 € for second hour, 2 € for the third hour and 4 € for every additional hour. If the bike gets stolen while you have rented it, your credit card gets charged with the sum of 350 €.

I successfully managed to visit all the places that I had in mind and returned the bicycle to the parking place. The initial registration procedure however took quite a long time, about 2 to 3 hours, since instructions were not so clear, I had to go online several time, and also the terminal where I wanted to rent the bike was under maintenance. But from now on I will be able to rent a bike in matter of seconds. The Bicikelj service is good example of public service that removes the necessity of owning things. It will be cool if also cars could get enabled to rent in the similar way and I heard that in some countries this has been already established. But the best it would be, if renting would be completely free. So how would this be possible?

Well, all resources we get free from the earth and we are the ones who created the money and are accepting the way of how our monetary system is currently based on debt and interest. This artificially creates scarcity, competition, poverty and wars in this world. So if we simply decide to change our social and economic system in that which is best for all, we can distribute the resources, necessities and services among all living beings in this world equally. And Desteni came with functional political agenda that will practical manifest those changes. This solution is called the Equal Money System. So if you are interested in actively supporting the solution that will make this world a better place for all, visit the web site and join the discussion on the forum. Together we can bring heaven to earth!
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2011 - Corruption of legal system in Slovenia

Yesterday I had a 4-hours first introduction meeting with Rade Stanić that is president of Civil society for justice, development and control. I became acquainted with their FaceBook group few weeks ago and what attracted me was the exposure of injustice on courts in our country. I sent him the message in order to arrange meeting and to give him the information about Desteni who is also moving towards ending all injustice towards all living beings in this world. I met him in his office in town nearby and we had a chat. Firstly I wanted him to tell me his life story and how their society was established.

It was a very interesting life story. He was born in some southern Yugoslavian country, lost his father at age of 7, and mother could not finance his education. Some day he noticed a poster that was invitation of our republic of Slovenia which recruited people for mining school to then employ cheap labour in our mines. So he decided to use this opportunity and thus became a citizen of Slovenia. After working in mines, he went to army, and then he got employed as warden in jail near city where I currently live. Since he had a lot of time on his shifts, he decided to read as much books about law, jurisdiction, psychology and psychiatry and he applied and finished some school that covered all this topics. After that he established a real estate business.

Then he became part of some civil society for control of national institutions and started to expose irregularities and injustices. But due to conflict with some people within society, he established his own society in order to work without obstructions. In past years he has accumulated huge amount of evidences about the extent of corruption in our legal system. Judges have privileges to keep their positions the whole life so young people who have finished the study of law have no opportunity to get any job. And most of current lawyers and judges are part of old socialistic and communistic mentality and extremely corrupt.

People are sending to Rade their experiences and complaints about unjust verdicts and how they lost all of their money and assets due to legal manipulation of lawyers. But since he has worked in prison and has knowledge and legal authorisation to represent civilians on the courts, he started to write appeals and correct the unjust verdicts. He managed to save a lot of people's assesses and money from greedy court system. So lawyers and judges have tried to destroy him and attacked him with full power. In past years he received thousands of charges and he was brought to court for hundreds of time, but since he knows the law extremely well, and was careful to provide sufficient hard proof, they never managed to lock him away.

The biggest point that he is now dealing with is the exposure that most of judges do not have a certificate that proofs that they have finished national exam for their job. So the judges are now terribly embarrassed since they will probably have to discharge all the verdicts that they have made in past decades. This is a huge case that is shifting all the legal system in our country. And once he exposed that, when he was invited to a court, that verdict for his case has been written a day before he was invited to go to court in order to be judged. So courts have done many completely unacceptable actions that totally annihilate their integrity.

I have then also explained that at Desteni we know about corruption in all levels of human society throughout the world, and that we are preparing the political solution called Equal Money System that will totally change the values in our society and prevent all abuse that is currently allowed. He will due to his advance age and recent retirement of course stick to his current movement, but we will be in touch and exchange information in order to clear our social system from all the corruption.
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2011 - Facing fear of future challenges

Big plans ahead: Moving to capital city Ljubljana, renting apartment, restarting photography business, adding video services, launching Desteni accessories shop. All this triggered a lot of subconscious fear that again manifested as movement in my head, called vertigo. How do I know that vertigo is all about fear? It is triggered immediately after I allow and accept some thought of fear and anxiety when I am experiencing some tuff decisions. Like for example when I was in the middle of meeting with web store programming company. After the head of projects explained that tags in the web store are totally ignored by Google search engine, the picture in front of my eyes shifted like someone would push my head swiftly for several decimetres. And the same day, when I picked my grandmother with my car, in the middle of the road, while she was describing how some of her friend finished university and planned to raise her two children and be able to cope with all the challenges, when she started to explain that this women is now experiencing strong vertigo and lying in the bed hopelessly, the vertigo also started to emerge in my head, so I had to stop the car at the nearest parking place and rest for about 20 minutes. And there is a lot of similar cases where I experienced vertigo as result of some subconscious or unconscious fear.

A lot changed since I was a young boy, being protected by my parents, simply doing what I was told to, and being provided with all I needed. But then while becoming older, many responsibilities compounded, and when meeting Desteni, I became aware of my responsibility even for everything that I allow and accept in this current reality. And also the social safety started to diminish extensively. Since I am now moving to city that I treated just a few years ago as smelly, hot, noisy, violent concrete place, where I would not want to live ever, I am experiencing great anxiety about how will I be able to cope with future challenges. While in the big city there is a lot of opportunity to earn money, there is also a lot of competition, impatience and hurry. I am now in the closing stage of renting apartment in the strict centre of the city, right next to several universities and Italian embassy. The apartment is in the old house with high ceilings, which is great for my photo studio, but the parquet is old and creaking. It is in the 1st floor, without reserved parking place. There is a big parking place at the back of universities, but it is almost totally full from morning to 5pm.

I also plan to sell my car Renault Clio and buy some kind of van, like Mercedes Vito or Renault Espace, in order to transport a lot of photography equipment and Desteni merchandising. And I plan to employ one or two assistants that will support my business projects. So from working alone in quiet countryside for many years, I am pushing myself into total new, unfamiliar environment in order to have the greater impact towards making this world a better place. The fear is of course connected to the money, the fear of survival, of loosing all the money or not having enough money to be able to support myself effectively. It is the projection of recent experience where I changed my photography business to counselling business and fell in debt due to pushing the advertising of my services too much and not stopping soon enough. This destroyed my self-trust quite a bit, so now I am much more afraid of loosing the money again. And I have compromised myself because I was not careful enough about my financial situation, I did not follow all the transactions in detail, so I got surprised by expenses becoming larger than my income.

1. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be afraid of unknown instead of breathing effectively and remaining here all the time and walking by life breath by breath without thinking what might happen or even considering only the bad things that might happen to me.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define large cities as ugly, smelly, noisy and unfriendly, instead of realising that this is my self-created idea that has nothing to do with practical experience, thus I will know how life in the city is only if I allow myself to live there without any pre-conceived ideas or judgements.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that my life could be endangered if I loose all my money, since in our country, we have sufficient social support that helps people without jobs to at least get the food, and I am skilful and knowledgeable to earn enough money anytime, as I have proved in past years to myself.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to create myself plans of how my business should develop and become afraid if I hear some information that would compromise my plan, instead of realising that life is about constant adjustment to new current situation and new information that people who I interact with contribute, thus it is best for me to only gave agendas and goals and go with the flow.
   
   
5. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to try to upkeep certain social personality of good person that is doing what is best for all and become afraid if I perceive this personality to become compromised, instead of realising that it is not important what others think about me and how they perceive me, but what I really am as living being, what I stand for within, since I am the only judge for myself and self-honestly is thus the most important thing about my life.
   
   
6. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to neglect the detailed following of financial situation, instead of understanding that money is the currently very important thing in this world and the tool for gaining goals, thus it is best to take more care about my financial reports in order to assure not to compromise my financial status again.
   
   
7. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to wanting to do everything by myself and owning the tools instead of realising that if want to be more effective in achieving my goals, I will have to learn how to co-operate with other people and use their resources, since when working in the group everybody can contribute their knowledge and skills and be much more influential that I alone could ever be.
   
   
8. When I do my job, I pay attention of the money flow and I make sure that I have enough income to be cover all my expenses and be profitable in order to successfully invest in the projects that will make this world a better place.
   
   
9. When I hire the people, I stay here, breathe effectively, explain my agenda and goals and then let everyone to contribute their ideas and suggestions in order for the project to succeed much better and faster that I could imagine for myself.

If you want to learn more about self-forgiveness and how to clear your subconscious fears and other emotions and feelings that distract you from what is really here, then I suggest to join 'Desteni I Process'. If you wish to remove all the fear of survival, hunger and wars from this world, then research and support the 'Equal Money System'. And soon we will have a true heaven on earth.
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2011 - My grandmother > Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction

This is the excerpt of my finished and approved Advanced Mind Construct assignment of the third most influential person in my life as part of self-realisation online coaching program 'Desteni I Process' where we face our accepted and allowed subconscious mind patterns that trigger immediate emotional reactions. In the first step, called 'Ranting and Raving' we write down everything that comes on our minds about topic that we currently walk. Then in the following two steps, called 'Paragraphs' and 'Skeleton' we narrow the amount of information in order to expose the main points, and in the next three steps, called 'Memories', 'Components' and 'Self-Forgiveness with Self-Corrective statements', we expand by digging deep into our minds, expose all secret memories, identify the forms of our self-deception within these memories and finally defuse those emotional triggers by taking full self-responsibility with tool of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective statements.

Step 1 > Ranting & Raving:

My grandmother was a very big protector for me. My grandfather died a few years ago, so she has been living alone since then. She is a very active lady, constantly doing something, assisting other people, involved in the senior club, and she is a great cook. I used to come and visit her for a weekend, usually at Fridays or Saturdays at the evening, and she would prepare me a great feast. She constantly baked cookies and cakes, and when I would arrive, she would prepare me fried potato chips, fried chicken or fish and green leaves salad, since I preferred those dishes the most. I would just lie on the sofa, and she would cook for me with great joy. In the mean time, I would watch movies, since I did not have a TV set at home, and I would watch them until early in the morning. Then I would spend the night at her place and the next morning I would go home.

About three years ago she fell and broke some major bone and had a great pain and needed assistance. Since no one of us had time to assist her all the time, we decided to be the best to sell her apartment and to move her to the retirement home. She fully recovered now and is active again. Now she lives in a room with some other old lady who has trouble walking, and she is assisting her. Since now she does not have a kitchen of her own, she assists in the retirement home kitchen and she collects and is given some food as award and she then saves it for me. Lately I come to see her at Sundays and pick her up at 8:30 after the breakfast. We put all the food for me and also for others from her religious group in the bags, and then we usually go to visit the grave of my mother/her daughter who committed suicide two years ago. We tidy up the gravestone and light some candles. Then we go to my place where I pick the food for me from the bags and put in into the fridge, and in the meanwhile she visits her friend in the neighborhood or irons my laundry.

At 10:00 I drive her to the next village where she joins her Jehovah Witnesses religious group. My grandmother has much resentment towards my father since she believes that he used all the money from selling her apartment for his own needs, and she also resents my brother for being such nasty towards me. But I encourage her to forgive herself all that judgments and live here in peace with everyone. My father does not want to eat any food that she bring from the retirement home since it is basically forbidden to transport the food out of the retirement home, but she can not help herself to stop doing this. So I allow her to feel as someone who can support me a bit, and I am also thankful since I do not need to buy much food in the store. I though have a bit of a bad feeling since it is forbidden to transport food out of the retirement home

Step 6 > Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Statements:

1. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to grandfather’s behavior due to my expectation that he must behave nicely and speak polite to his wife, instead of realizing that every expectation or ideal of how one must behave is a believe, accepted from other people, and that however someone behaves, I must not emotionally react but breathe and stay here.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my grandfather’s behavior to his experience of suffering in the Dachau concentration camp and defining his behavior as self-pity, instead of realizing that whenever I made any assumption that someone is behaving in regards to his past experiences is my own created believe and it has nothing to do with the actual someone’s expression in this moment.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry when my grandmother offered me the meat dish while I was a vegetarian instead of realizing that if someone offers me some dish that I do not want to eat, it is up to me to decline it while remaining stable inside and that there has never have to be any reason for any emotional reaction.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose motivation while explaining my grandmother my perspective about the diet, instead of remaining patient and stable within, breathing effectively and continue with explanation until she will finally get it.
   
   
5. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become inpatient with my grandmother since I defined her as too old and incapable of understanding what I am saying, instead of realizing that it will take a lot of time and enormous patience in order for everyone to understand the principles of self-responsibility and what takes to practically manifest heaven on earth.
   
   
6. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decline the food from the starting point of proving who is right and wrong and trying to prove that I am right, instead of realizing that the only valid judge if the food is appropriate for me is my physical body and it is best for me to listen to my physical senses and eat whatever and whenever my eye, nose and tongue indicate that some food is good for me.
   
   
7. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the senses of my physical body are not valid and that I need to pick my diet based on what other people and books tell me is right, instead of realizing that we all have unique body, that there is no diet that is best for all, and that is best to ask my physical body to tell me what food is the most suitable for me.
   
   
8. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad when I decided to eat fish and defining this as my grandmother winning over me instead of realizing that if I decide something, based on what is best for me, it does not meter who gave the suggestion to do that, and that there is no reason to have any good od bad feelings, but just to accept this decision and remain here.
   
   
9. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine how my grandmother is selling the batteries to her clients and how she enjoys doing that, instead of realizing that whatever I imagine in my mind is self-deception, a lie, and has nothing to do with the actual events end experiences of other people within these events, thus it is best not to imagine anything anytime and ask about the exact actual facts.
   
   
10. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the feelings of envy in regards to imaginative activities of my grandmother, instead of realizing that any created feelings towards people in my imagination is double self-deception, and that even in real life I should never compare myself to anyone and not allow any feelings and emotions towards anyone since they are all the result of separation.
    
    
11. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate my grandmother’s activities and her benefits in regards to that activities and wanting to do the same things in order to gain the similar benefits, instead of realizing that whenever I compare myself to anyone, I separate myself from what is here and loose myself in the mind, thus it is best to always only observe other people’s activities, breathe effectively and remain here without allowing any thoughts or desires.
    
    
12. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about what benefits will I receive when grandmother gives me something, instead of simply accepting things from anyone if I can practically use them and then store them and use them whenever I need them, without going in my mind and thinking about all possible scenarios in relation to things that are given to me.
    
    
13. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid if someone would stop while carrying the bag full of food that grandmother gave me due to perception that my life is depended on the food in the bag and that if someone will stop me, my life will get compromised, instead of realizing that I have enough money to buy me plenty of food to survive, and even if I am prevented to receive the food from my grandmother, I will still be fine.
    
    
14. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad about breaking the rule of the food not being allowed to be transported outside the senior home, instead of realizing that I have never actually checked if this rule is really in place, and that since everyone in the senior home is allowing my mother to pick and collect the food, they are obviously allowing her to do with the food whatever she wants, and that if I am braking any rule, I will only know that if someone will inform me that my actions are not allowed, so there is nothing for me to actually having to worry about.
    
    
15. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to admire my grandmother for her actions, defining them as generous, and becoming envious about her, instead of realizing that actions of people are just actions that bring consequences and I am also capable of performing any actions the same as anyone else, so it best not to define others and their actions as something more than me an my actions, but to remain stale within and do my self-movement towards what is best for all.
    
    
16. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prevent my grandmother to do my laundry due to my created belief that I will this way over-exploit her and that she better rests due to her advance age, instead of realizing that whenever someone wants to assist me, I can simply allow the assistance since it will relief some of my jobs, and not allow myself any definitions about what others are capable on not capable of doing.
    
    
17. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to do everything for myself in order to feel good, instead of realizing that this way I am limiting my expansion, so it is better to start collaborating with others in order to make much more things done.
    
    
18. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my grandmother has over-criticized my mother and is thus responsible for the suicide of my mother/her daughter, instead of realizing that each one of us is responsible for what we accept and allow and thus my mother is the only who is responsible for allowing and accepting the thoughts and feelings that eventually made her to commit suicide.
    
    
19. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel responsible for my grandmother to forgive herself all the feelings of blame towards my mother, father and brother, instead of realizing that there is nothing more that I can do besides explaining her how we are all responsible for our thoughts, feelings and emotions and teaching her by my own example of remaining here, stable within and never giving up on anyone.
    
    
20. When I want to express my perspective to someone, I understand that I others can get to understanding only when I became one and equal with them and explain them as I would like to have explained if I was in their shoes, so I remain here, with unlimited patience, and explain the points slowly and clearly until people reach full understanding of what I want to communicate.
    
    
21. When I am offered food, I look it with my eyes, I smell it with my nose, I taste it with my tongue and then accept it if I find it appropriate for my human physical body and if I am hungry in that moment, other wise I decline the food without while remaining here and stable within.
    
    
22. When I am in doubt if I am breaking some rule or law, I do not allow myself in the state of doubt, but check the rules and laws until I am totally clear what they demand from me and then I walk within this system without breaking any laws and agreements and slowly change the system and laws as one and equal with the system and remove or change the rules so that the system starts to support everyone equally and becomes manifestation of environment that is best for all.
    
    
23. When I see someone doing something, I observe the physical actions and pictures moving in front of my eyes while remaining stable within, one and equal with the person that I observe and keep my awareness that what others do, I would be able to do the same if I would be in their bodes, but since we have different bodies, we have all different physical abilities, but are all equal in terms of unlimited expression within current limitations of our physical bodies.
    
    
24. When someone offers to physically and practically assist me, I accept the assistance while breathing effectively and remaining here with understanding that if I have some things that need to be done, it is supportive if someone assists me and thus saves my time to do those things, since it is not important who does what, as long every single action is the result of self-expression and executed with use of principle of equality of all living beings.
    
    
25. When I notice that some being is harming other I do not allow the abuse and take actions in order to stop the abuse, while being careful that I am one and equal with the being that I want to stop from being abusive in order for the being to be able to understand the consequences of its actions, accept self-responsibility and correct itself towards not harming others anymore.

So if you wish to become emotionally stable, please research 'Desteni I Process' online program that will teach you how to become self-honest and responsible human being that acts upon principles of equality of all living beings and does what is best for all. And if you decide to assist others in this process, you can become and agent and eventually a buddy and thus earn a lot of money. If you want me to assist you in this process, enter my name 'Valentin Rozman' and my student number '140' when you register. Let us all become better human beings and create heaven on earth!
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