Day 185: Visiting native part of my country

Several days ago I visited part of our Slovenia country where I lived before for many years and where most of my closest relatives live. I am not sure how many years ago I was there last time but I guess it must be around 10 years. My brother lives there with his wife and two daughters that have recently completed primary education and my father lives there with my stepmother. I have not communicated with my brother and his family due to resentment from his side and his character of constantly hurrying and presenting himself as not having enough time. I did meet my father several times when he came to my current town for his work purposes and we are in touch several times per month via Skype when he wants me to do some graphic design, pre-press and photo/video editing for him. I have been wondering when and for what reason to visit that part of the country again, do I actually have any homesickness at all or am I simply able to make myself feel at home wherever I currently live.

A couple of weeks ago I started to engage in online dating again. In that process, I also connected with a 41 years old girl who has a 10 years old son. I liked the picture of her face and her description except for the fact that she was a smoker. We started to have a text chat via Facebook, then a couple of long phone calls, a Skype video call and we connected very well. She is in the process of divorcing her controlling and abusive husband and wanted to move to her own apartment that she wants to buy. She wants to move out of her current apartment, owned by her husband and to buy her own apartment. However, she wants to stay in the same area so that her son can continue visiting the same primary school. She even asked me if I want to have my own children since her desire was to in the next year or two to experience having another child. I definitely imagined myself being a father and how I would move back to my native area of the country. So we set a date when I was to visit her.

I called my father a day before the planned visit if he knows where I can spend two nights in his areas since I will be visiting a girl that works for full days and she is off every second day so that we can be together for two whole days before I return back home. I was surprised to hear from him that she is just back from the hospital where he spent 3 days in a come. I wondered why no one from my relatives calls me and informed me about that. However, my father said that it is just fine if I can spend the nights on the couch at his basement workshop. That was just fine with me and I was looking forward to meeting him and my stepmother after a very long time. I called the girl that I was dating that I will be arriving the next day however I will be firstly checking my father due to his medical emergency.

It was a Sunday morning at 5:30 a.m. when I woke up and start preparing myself for departure at 1.5 hours later. I already prepared most of the things that I expected to need in the next 3 days however I managed to actually depart only at 7:30 a.m. due to the decision to pack some more things. It was very foggy weather and it took me about 2 hours with my car to arrive at the destination. I was firstly greeted by my stepmother and then I went to spoke to my father who was still very weak and rested in his bed. I find out that he was not actually in a complete come during his stay at the hospital but just very sick so he slept most of the time. He and my stepmother got ill at the same time however she got well quite fast while his condiction became worse. So much that he collapses on the floor when he wanted to return from the bathroom and she called my brother who then called a doctor and he then ordered an ambulance. There was even a danger of my father dying if he would not be assisted in a timely manner.

After a lunch that my stepmother prepared it was time to meet with my date. She gave me the address of where to pick her up. When I met her face looked much more exhausting than I expected and her handshake was very week. She just received a period and complained about the headache. Despite this, we decided to go for a walk around the Bled lake that takes about 2 hours to complete. She started to explain the problems in the relationship with his husband and how she got addicted to smoking and pain-killers, how her eyesight deteriorated, how she has a problem with her stomach and minor problems with her lungs. She has been looking for a place to move for over 6 months with no success and she also wants to change jobs since her current boss is also very abusive. During the walk around the lake, we also had a drink at a restaurant in the middle and had a byte at a pizzeria when we completed the full circle.

Considering that she is not even divorced completely and her emotional state I suggested her to first take care of her affairs, to move to her own apartment, find a better job and to improve her emotional end physical health. I did not consider appropriate to continue dating her since also due to distance this would represent too much stress for myself. And my current situation is also such that I am developing my new business services and have to invest a lot of my time and energy in that. So I took her back to her place with my car and we decided to only be friends for now. After I arrived at my father's place I also send her a link to free online DIP Lite course so that she can assist supporting herself with the help of experienced live buddies. And I decided to not wait for one day and to meet her for another day when she will be off work since the connection was not like I wished for.

The next day I had breakfast with my stepmother. After that, I went to visit my father's colleague that he wanted to meet him since he supposedly needed my photography and graphic design services. I already called him the day before to schedule the hour of my arrival. When I got there he took me through all of his woodwork workshops and then he showed me his extensive collection of antiques since he is in a final stage to open a private museum. We then went to his kitchen and had a very long talk. He showed me the photos that he took of his collection and what for of a folded pamphlet would he like. However, it turned out that he actually did not need my services and he already talked to a nearby printer to finalize the pamphlet for him. My father also made some models of what was his suggestion for the pamphlet however he did it in his usual intrusive and his colleague did not like that at all.

After that, I also visited my brother despite the suggestion of my father to leave him alone since he is very busy with his work and is in conflict with his neighbor. When I arrived at his workshop I gave him a call and asked him if now is the appropriate time for me to meet him. He opened the door and we had a chat while he was still doing some work on his computer and digital printing machines. Very soon he started to express his resentment for me moving out of the house without consulting him about that and how he felt left behind. And then how he resented me for telling his wife that I have doubts two of them being compatible. I also shared my perspective about that which was very different from how he experience past events. During the conversation with him, I found it very odd that my body has been shivering and I was not able to stop it despite my conscious effort to have a relaxed and equal talk with my brother as equals. After about an hour of talking, he said that he must take his younger daughter to a nearby city and buy something at a mall and that he will call me when we return for us to continue the conversations.

So I went to my father's place to pack my things. He asked me if his young co-worker that purchased a Bled Castle Mediaeval Printshop from him can go with me since he has to fetch his repaired van from a mechanic near the city where I live. I agreed and was looking forward to exchanging recent experiences with him during the trip. Then my brother called me and I went back to his place to continue the chat. He expressed concerns about what my desires would be in regards to inheritance in case if our father dies and that he is interested in keeping our father's apartment for his older daughter. And it was also not clear what will happen with or father's home museum of print and paper. However, we did not have the time to come to any agreement about that since it was already time for me to depart.

During the trip back to my current home area that took two hours I had a long conversation with my father's young co-worker. What I found out was that he had no interest in taking over my father's museum and that he might only be interested to buy the handmade paper production tools from him. What he suggested was to keep the museum as it is so that groups of people can come to see it and that my father already proved that there is no interest from any individual or organization to relocate it to a more proper place. And we also talked about our private lives during the drive in the dark and foggy weather. After I have dropped him at his mechanic, we had a one-hour talk with the mechanic and his wife since they were good friends of my father and I visited them for the first time. Finally, I continued the trip to my home an hour before midnight.

What I concluded is that my brother has established his business well in these past years and he does not need to worry about the orders and negotiate the prices anymore. His daughters are becoming independent and he is looking at how to invest his profits and available time so that closest family members will have most of the future interests met. So I plan to continue the conversation with him and then see what kind of agreement we will able to establish for ourselves.

Related suggested Eqafe education audios:
Emotional Relationships
The Dependence of Independency
A Martyr for my Brother
Life Review of a Dependent Personality
When Your Old Life Holds You Back
Despite My Best Intentions

Day 138: Home remedy for cold feet

This is the first blog post related to my initial post titled The cause for cold legs. Contrary to popular home remedies for cold feet where one can assist oneself temporarily with some physical intervention, I will be talking here about psychological causes and permanent solution for cold feet that everyone can effectively apply also at home. Because it has been indicated that cold feet is usually the physically manifested consequence of events from the past when one has separated itself from self. For detailed context please read my previous blog post since here I will be focusing on the next step which is analysis and deconstruction of the first event in my past that I feel is related to the condition of me having cold feet and legs for over a decade. And the the first event that I can remember in relation to self-judgement is being physically punished by my parents in early years of my childhood.

In the initial years of my life I have been living with my parents and my younger bother in a two storey apartment building with four apartments. I have shared one medium sized room with my brother and he has was sleeping on the upper deck of our bunk bed. I do not remember much about what my brother and I were doing in the first 10 years of my life, but I do very much remember a specific punishment that my father applied when I have obviously done something wrong. The punishment was to kneel for quite a long period of time in our doorway after my father would layer some rice on the floor in order for the pain on my knee to be much grater that pressing just agains a flat ground. I would have to keep my body straight up and my hands on the back. I would stay in such position crying until my mother would be able to convince my father that I have suffered enough.

What is strange is that I do not remember details of any event that lead to consequence of me being punished in such way. I however do remember my parents telling me about two occasions where I did significant damage to the apartment. One was due to throwing some heavy objects at my brother that resulted in shattered window glass while we were chasing each other around the flat. And one was by me flooding the bathroom in order to create a sea like environment to play with my brother. However I think I was punished by kneeing for much lesser offences like doing something to my brother where he would then tell on to our father and he then decided to discipline me in described way. The bottom line is that I have been outraged at my father using such cruel punishment. And he also used to spank me very hard with his belt in other occasions. I had thoughts like: “Parents should never hurt their children!” and “How come that my father is not able to find any other way od raising me that using brute force?”. Thus I developed a resentment and anger towards my father and started to feeling sorry for myself, creating a self-victimisation character for myself and thus separating me from myself.

However any of such emotional reactions is a representations of abdicating self-responsibility for playing own part in the timeline of events. And not remembering what I have done and what I could done different in order for the consequences to be different is a convenient excuse for me not wanting to take full self-responsibility for my own life. Because every moment that we participate in becomes part of ourselves and creates a memory that we are able to access if we only decide to. This does not mean that we must now instantly recall every single moment from the start of our existence to current moment, however it is important that we make sure to remember with what kind of thoughts, emotions, words and physical actions we have participated in the most traumatic past event for which we solely blame something or someone out of ourself while claiming absolute innocence of self. Thus I will now take back my self-responsibility and pick parts of myself that I have separated myself from by analysing my past memories connected to being painfully punished by my father. I will be applying tools of self-honesty, self-forgiveness, and self-corrections as taught in the excellent free online course DIP Lite that I recommend also to everyone else:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to use forgetfulness as convenient excuse to abdicate my responsibility for what I have done in the past and to claim innocence for everything that I am not able to remember. I realise that I am fully responsible for every thought, emotions, word and deed that originated from myself and that if I have forgot about them in the later stage, I am still responsible for the consequences that have manifested based on my involvement in past events. Thus I commit myself to look into myself where all memories of my past are stored and to take back my power of creation to fully embrace all dimensions of the past events where I have played my role as co-creator.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the events in my past only through eyes of self-interest where I have believed that no matter what I do, no one has right to harm me in any way, especially my parents. I realise that I have also harmed others, especially my brother however I have abdicated responsibility for my action by claiming that I have just been playing and that any my action during the play should not be taken seriously and I should not be hold accountable for the results of the play. I commit myself to look at the memories of my actions during play time and take full responsibility for every single of my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tease my brother and seek his attention and to in a similar way also seek attention from my parents in order to experience positive feelings of being accepted. I realise that I have acted from a point of self-interest where I have just wanted to have fun while completely disregarding other individuals around me and their personal interest. I commit myself to when and as I have desire to entertain myself and have fun, not to jump carelessly on other but to also see and understand their current state of the mind, their willingness to play and to interact with them in such a way that they do not feel unpleasant or even feel pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not wanting to understand that my father had used force and pain to discipline me only in occasions where I did not want to listen to his preceding verbal warnings where I had the opportunity to stop myself, however I did not. I realise that my father decided to physically hurt me only when he exhausted all other ways of trying to communicate with me in a nice and pleasant way. I commit myself to always respond to first attempt of someone trying to communicate with me and to also understand their point of view.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label my father as violent tyrant that has without any reason decided to inflict pain on me instead of realising that he has purely responded to me behaving as careless individual where I have created damage and pain for my brother and my parents. I commit myself to fully understand and accept my father and his responses while playing a role of my parent since he has done all in his power to be the best father for me and my brother, considering all the limitations that he also accepted and allowed during his childhood and later years. I am thus greatly thankful to my father for all the care that he expressed by being more that good provider for our whole family.

In relation to this blog post, I also recommend listening to educational audio titled Growing Apart from the Parenting - Perfecting the Human Race series at Eqafe web store and engaging in DIP Lite free online course where you will learn how to become a master of self-analysis and true healing.

Day 91: Relationship polarity games

Yesterday my ex girlfriend called me and started crying since her father that she is living with assaulted her and she became afraid that he woud stab her with a knife and kill her. Thus in order to safe her life she went to the woods and spent the night under the trees.

I tried to support my ex girlfriend within three years of living together in realizing that all the violent people came into her life due to her specific behavior patterns that she accepted and allowed. However she refused to engage in the process of behavior transformation. She is like addicted to the energy of bad feelings which she experiences when people are psychical or physical abusive towards hers. And if she will not stop this, she is doomed. It is the same pattern that also my mother lived and it resulted in her making a suicide couple of years ago.

I talked to my current neighbor that worked as a social worker but is retired now. She was met with many cases of home violence and she learned that in every violent relationship there are two people with polarity behavior pattens that attract each other. One plays a role of being abusive person and the other plays a role of a victim. However each one of them need each other in order to continue with this role playing. So just one of them is required to change the pattern and the relationship changes immediately.

Abusive and violent relationship is in fact a learning opportunity where both participants are put on the test of making a realization that neither acting from anger and blame nor feeling sorry for yourself is a supportive way of participating in a relationship. In order for any relationship to work and prosper, everyone that is involved must act as equal, understand each others perspective and then apply the solutions that are in best interest of all.

Basically all life is a test, a school that supports us all in realization how we must change ourself in order to live here in prosperity and abundance. Each one has a limited life span, a limited number of years here on earth that can be used for personal growth or they can be totally wasted. If one does not correct oneself based on the feedback that shows unharmonious results of ones participation, the backchat in the mind becomes so extensive that becomes unbearable. Usually suicide is then the only way that is left from the perspective of such abuser.

So I invite everyone that faces conflict at any place or time in their lives to start as soon as possible the process of inner change. And very effective free beginners online course for this process is called Desteni I Process Lite so I suggest you use it if you want to help yourself. Understand that you can blame no one for what you experience in your life. It is you who has attracted or created it. And only you can change it by taking full self-responsibly and forgive yourself all the illusional unrealistic accepted and allowed ideal, definitions and believes. Save yourself from your own mind because no one can save you but yourself!  

2012 Recent experiences of extreme pain in regards to my father and borrowed money

A week ago I also went to visit my father in order to talk about the money that I lent him about a year ago. Hi promised that he will return it to me by the end of past year which did not happened. In January this year I asked him how come that he let me down and where the money went to. He answered that he needed the money in order to buy the material for his handicraft business in order to prepare for this year's tourist season. He is already retired, but still active in mediaeval reenactment and history of print.

I was not fun of hearing that he invested my money is his own business instead of returning me the money as he promised in order for me to support development of my own business. So a week ago I visited him again with intention to check out the current financial status. He said that he expects to return all my money by the end of August this year, which I found unacceptable. I need money now and I have already started to sell my video and photography equipment in order to get the money.

I learned that basically everyone owns a lot of staff that it can be sold and thus converted to cash, and I also decided to sell some stuff that I do not need at this moment in order to cover my monthly expenses. My father own a wan, a motorhome, an apartment, a workshop and many of machines, devices, computers, old books and many more things. So I explained him that from what I see he could easily sell some stuff and get the money, so the excuses that he can not return my money is not real.

In fact I explained him that since he did not return my money, I had to sell my almost new video and photo equipment for at least with 30% of discount, thus I am loosing money since he does not return money that I lent him. I started to blame him for my money loss which in a way is true. However there is also many things that I could done different in order to protect my interest. I simply trusted him that he will return the money so we did not put it in writing and agreed about the details of what would be the consequences of he not returning me the money.

The next day something happened that I then defined to be as manifested consequence of the backchat in regards to this point. In the morning when I got out of my bed, I experienced I slight pain in my back. I had an appointment that day with some potential business partner, but the pain was not strong enough for me cancel the appointment. So I packed my heavy bag with the products samples and drove half un hour away to the house of that person. We sat down in her dining room and started a conversation. After about an hour of sitting, I got up and it that moment I experience immense pain in my back.

The pain was so strong that I could hardly breathe and I would rather die in that moment. It manifested not in the middle of vertical line in my back, but a few centimeters to my right, stretching about three decimeters from the level of my shoulder blade. I asked the person that I have been visiting to assist me with massage which she did. Then I asked her if I may lay down on her bed and she allowed. But it took half un hour for me to managed to lie down on the bed since initial attempts failed due to immense pain when trying to change the posture of my body. But finally I managed to lie down on my belly and rested.

After few hours of lying and being assisted with hot-water bottle on the pain area and additional massages, the pain decreased to the level where I would be able to stand up and go back home. Now, after one week I still feel a slight pain in that area so it diminishes very slowly. It was unusual experience, not the back pain that I experienced in the past, but as the vertical muscle at right side of my spine would be in cramp. I am not completely sure if the pain is connected to the point in regards to my father and money but this could explain the reason.

And yesterday another pain appeared in a very unusual place. In the evening I started to experience a pain on the inner side of my left left leg, a few centimeters above the ankle. At that time I had new pair of socks on and when I pulled the socks down, I noticed the dent on my skin around my leg from the elastic top of the socks. I started to wonder if the socks pressure was to strong and thus resulted in the swelling, but I am not sure. There was no visible change on the surface of the skin, but the area in size of an apple hurt if I would press it with my fingers.

I don't remember hitting my leg in that area that day and I see no great possibility for something to sting me in that spot so the cause for the pain still buffles me a lot. Today the area is still swollen and the minor portion of the skin is red. Could I have hit myself somehow and then forget this event? Strange things happen and make me wonder what to do in order to avoid any further pain and how to walk the process of self-realization in order be as effective as possible. I have a limited time and it is hard for me which way to move and how much time to invest in any activity in order to support myself financially and to be successful in terms of walking my process.

1. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the feeling of anger and resentment towards my father for not returning my money instead of having the conversation based on facts and current situation and directing the point toward solution that would be best for both parties without allowing myself to create any energetic reaction.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to simply trust any person that everything that will turn out just fine, creating just a basic verbal agreement and thus allowing the possibility of misunderstanding and forgetting points, instead of taking time to specify all the details of agreement and putting in in writing so both parties have clear overview of what is expected and what will be the consequences if the agreement is not fulfilled.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to blame my father for causing the loss of my money since I decided to sold my video and photo equipment for much lesser price that I purchased it recently, instead of realizing that the decision of selling the equipment is solely my responsibility and has nothing to do with anyone else.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not to properly record and manage the money incomes and outcomes in my personal life, not knowing knowing how much money I have and thus spending more than I can afford, instead of making sure that this point is clear so I can better plan my investments and ensure that I will not go into debt.

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