Day 170: Wanting to control what others think about me

Recently I and other members of Desteni group for self-perfection had a chat about the word control. This made me reflect also about what and how I want to control in my life. What I realized was a pattern, inherited from my father about wanting to present myself as an immaculate, spotless and good person. The consequences of such a tendency are constantly doing things from the starting point of wanting to positively impress others and fearing any criticism. Related behavior is also working mostly alone and only in a small environment where it is possible to directly control objects and co-workers. The root cause of such personality is low self-esteem, bad self-image, constant self-criticism and not realizing that we are able to control only so much in our lives. And also identifying self mostly with our picture representation and not with who we are in our secret minds. This results also in masking ourselves in different ways, like grooming and dressing in order to produce a visual image that others would admire.

Lately, I have watched a lot of documentary TV shows about law enforcement and customs officers where they have identified activities of breaking the law. They then hunted down and punished the people who were responsible for unlawful acts. That reminded me to also some of my past experiences of attending the court hearings, getting a ticket for driving over the speed limit and parking where it was not permitted. And what I noticed from documentaries was how records of past misconducts were kept about every individual and how it influenced the actions of law-enforcement officers. However incriminating records can be produced also in many other ways. Basically, now everyone can create a post on social media, write a blog, publish a newspaper article and thus write something bad about an individual and thus influence the public image of anyone. And of course, I also do not want to be someone who is targeted by some derogatory information, especially if it is not true.

What I noticed about myself through the experience of first hypnotic regression to my past life, was that I felt being crucified without doing anything wrong. However, the second regression exposed that I am someone who is in case of self-protection also able to kill without mercy. So I am basically now walking the process of identifying what actions that others have sentenced me was I actually responsible for by breaking the laws of life. And for which actions I have been sentenced wrongly by others breaking the laws of life and then projected their own crimes onto me. Here is where I have to be very careful about my self-honesty. Because one thing is being accused of breaking the law, created by men in form of national legislation however one can despite not breaking any man-made law be a criminal in the eyes of life. Since every single time, we do not consider others as one and equal and act from the starting point of self-interest, we are guilty of a crime against other living beings.

My recent experience was also something where I have been challenged by the law of men and the law of life. From the perspective of the law of life, I wanted to attract and employ people who would resonate with me on a very deep level. My public call for applications included some unusual questions and someone made a complaint that I had broken the law of man. This resulted in the start of the inspection process that took a lot of my time, created additional costs and delayed the employment process. During the hearing, I had to present the evidence about my actions and to explain myself. Within this experience, I learned how careful I had to be about using words since they would be then interpreted by another person who has the power to decide if I broke any law of men and also if I am to be punished by only a warning or also by having to pay money. Also, any record of being convicted could prevent me and my organization to apply for public grants and participate in other similar development opportunities.

During this process that took several weeks, I after long time noticed how the energy of fear wanted to take a grip of me again. I felt in form of pressure in my head and a foggy mind and when I attended one public event it also accumulated to the point of me experiencing small vertigo. That was an indication that I need to look at this point as soon as possible and to take back the power that my mind has been challenging. So I am now going to look at some points where I abdicated self-responsibility in regards to laws of life and correct myself in order to become a more supportive part of this existence:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear any confrontation with representatives of the law of men, believing that receiving an invitation to get inspected is already an indication that I failed. I realize that the legal system is not only inspecting those who act suspiciously but is also randomly checking out individuals who perfectly comply with all laws of men. I commit myself to when and as I receive an invitation from representatives of the law of men and my mind is producing thoughts like: “You are now in deep shit and this is just the initial phase of being convicted for some crime!” to stop and breathe. I then respond to the invitation within the realization that employees of the public system also just do their job and have yet to gather evidence and prove that I broke any low of men.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in an activity before I have in detail read and understood every law that is related to that activity. I realize that by not understanding the law completely I can without awareness break a law and thus enabling others to prosecute me in a lawful way. I commit myself to when and as I engage in a particular activity and my mind is producing thoughts like: “There are so many laws out there that it is impossible to know them all so best to just do your best and check only those laws that others have indicated that you broke them!” to stop and breathe. I then slow down, take time to understand all the necessary laws since at least here in Slovenia legislation is not so complex as in some other countries.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to be careful enough within my communication with others despite my inner voice of life telling me that others might understand the nature of my writing very different than what I actually wanted to express. I commit myself to when and as I am communicating with others and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Just quickly write your thoughts and if someone will understand them differently, it will be completely their fault!” to stop and breath. I then rather slow down, become one and equal with those who will read my writing and use such words where the possibility of misinterpretation is diminished to the minimum level that I am able to achieve.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to make mistakes, especially in cases where others are point them out. I realize that I am not perfect and that making mistakes will continue to be part of my life since it is a natural part of learning. I commit myself to when and as someone has pointed out some of my mistakes and my mind is producing thoughts like: “You should be ashamed of yourself since other have discovered that you are a bad person!” to stop and breathe. I then rather thank them for showing them my imperfections within the understanding that others can play a role of a mirror and thus assist me in speeding up the process of self-realization. But above all, I commit myself to primarily listen to the voice of life within me that is pointing out my mistakes in the most gentle and the least consequential way possible.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within the DIP Lite free online course and to listen to the following related educational audios from Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence:

Who am I as Control
What Is Inner Control
Consequences of Inner Control

The Unpredictability of Life

My Life as a Bossy Perfectionistic Control-Freak
Your Clothes Control Your Life
Everything Must Be Just So
Freedom within Control
Leadership: Control Versus Guiding
Controlling Your Life or Allowing Direction to Unfold

Day 138: Home remedy for cold feet

This is the first blog post related to my initial post titled The cause for cold legs. Contrary to popular home remedies for cold feet where one can assist oneself temporarily with some physical intervention, I will be talking here about psychological causes and permanent solution for cold feet that everyone can effectively apply also at home. Because it has been indicated that cold feet is usually the physically manifested consequence of events from the past when one has separated itself from self. For detailed context please read my previous blog post since here I will be focusing on the next step which is analysis and deconstruction of the first event in my past that I feel is related to the condition of me having cold feet and legs for over a decade. And the the first event that I can remember in relation to self-judgement is being physically punished by my parents in early years of my childhood.

In the initial years of my life I have been living with my parents and my younger bother in a two storey apartment building with four apartments. I have shared one medium sized room with my brother and he has was sleeping on the upper deck of our bunk bed. I do not remember much about what my brother and I were doing in the first 10 years of my life, but I do very much remember a specific punishment that my father applied when I have obviously done something wrong. The punishment was to kneel for quite a long period of time in our doorway after my father would layer some rice on the floor in order for the pain on my knee to be much grater that pressing just agains a flat ground. I would have to keep my body straight up and my hands on the back. I would stay in such position crying until my mother would be able to convince my father that I have suffered enough.

What is strange is that I do not remember details of any event that lead to consequence of me being punished in such way. I however do remember my parents telling me about two occasions where I did significant damage to the apartment. One was due to throwing some heavy objects at my brother that resulted in shattered window glass while we were chasing each other around the flat. And one was by me flooding the bathroom in order to create a sea like environment to play with my brother. However I think I was punished by kneeing for much lesser offences like doing something to my brother where he would then tell on to our father and he then decided to discipline me in described way. The bottom line is that I have been outraged at my father using such cruel punishment. And he also used to spank me very hard with his belt in other occasions. I had thoughts like: “Parents should never hurt their children!” and “How come that my father is not able to find any other way od raising me that using brute force?”. Thus I developed a resentment and anger towards my father and started to feeling sorry for myself, creating a self-victimisation character for myself and thus separating me from myself.

However any of such emotional reactions is a representations of abdicating self-responsibility for playing own part in the timeline of events. And not remembering what I have done and what I could done different in order for the consequences to be different is a convenient excuse for me not wanting to take full self-responsibility for my own life. Because every moment that we participate in becomes part of ourselves and creates a memory that we are able to access if we only decide to. This does not mean that we must now instantly recall every single moment from the start of our existence to current moment, however it is important that we make sure to remember with what kind of thoughts, emotions, words and physical actions we have participated in the most traumatic past event for which we solely blame something or someone out of ourself while claiming absolute innocence of self. Thus I will now take back my self-responsibility and pick parts of myself that I have separated myself from by analysing my past memories connected to being painfully punished by my father. I will be applying tools of self-honesty, self-forgiveness, and self-corrections as taught in the excellent free online course DIP Lite that I recommend also to everyone else:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to use forgetfulness as convenient excuse to abdicate my responsibility for what I have done in the past and to claim innocence for everything that I am not able to remember. I realise that I am fully responsible for every thought, emotions, word and deed that originated from myself and that if I have forgot about them in the later stage, I am still responsible for the consequences that have manifested based on my involvement in past events. Thus I commit myself to look into myself where all memories of my past are stored and to take back my power of creation to fully embrace all dimensions of the past events where I have played my role as co-creator.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the events in my past only through eyes of self-interest where I have believed that no matter what I do, no one has right to harm me in any way, especially my parents. I realise that I have also harmed others, especially my brother however I have abdicated responsibility for my action by claiming that I have just been playing and that any my action during the play should not be taken seriously and I should not be hold accountable for the results of the play. I commit myself to look at the memories of my actions during play time and take full responsibility for every single of my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tease my brother and seek his attention and to in a similar way also seek attention from my parents in order to experience positive feelings of being accepted. I realise that I have acted from a point of self-interest where I have just wanted to have fun while completely disregarding other individuals around me and their personal interest. I commit myself to when and as I have desire to entertain myself and have fun, not to jump carelessly on other but to also see and understand their current state of the mind, their willingness to play and to interact with them in such a way that they do not feel unpleasant or even feel pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not wanting to understand that my father had used force and pain to discipline me only in occasions where I did not want to listen to his preceding verbal warnings where I had the opportunity to stop myself, however I did not. I realise that my father decided to physically hurt me only when he exhausted all other ways of trying to communicate with me in a nice and pleasant way. I commit myself to always respond to first attempt of someone trying to communicate with me and to also understand their point of view.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label my father as violent tyrant that has without any reason decided to inflict pain on me instead of realising that he has purely responded to me behaving as careless individual where I have created damage and pain for my brother and my parents. I commit myself to fully understand and accept my father and his responses while playing a role of my parent since he has done all in his power to be the best father for me and my brother, considering all the limitations that he also accepted and allowed during his childhood and later years. I am thus greatly thankful to my father for all the care that he expressed by being more that good provider for our whole family.

In relation to this blog post, I also recommend listening to educational audio titled Growing Apart from the Parenting - Perfecting the Human Race series at Eqafe web store and engaging in DIP Lite free online course where you will learn how to become a master of self-analysis and true healing.