Day 170: Wanting to control what others think about me

Recently I and other members of Desteni group for self-perfection had a chat about the word control. This made me reflect also about what and how I want to control in my life. What I realized was a pattern, inherited from my father about wanting to present myself as an immaculate, spotless and good person. The consequences of such a tendency are constantly doing things from the starting point of wanting to positively impress others and fearing any criticism. Related behavior is also working mostly alone and only in a small environment where it is possible to directly control objects and co-workers. The root cause of such personality is low self-esteem, bad self-image, constant self-criticism and not realizing that we are able to control only so much in our lives. And also identifying self mostly with our picture representation and not with who we are in our secret minds. This results also in masking ourselves in different ways, like grooming and dressing in order to produce a visual image that others would admire.

Lately, I have watched a lot of documentary TV shows about law enforcement and customs officers where they have identified activities of breaking the law. They then hunted down and punished the people who were responsible for unlawful acts. That reminded me to also some of my past experiences of attending the court hearings, getting a ticket for driving over the speed limit and parking where it was not permitted. And what I noticed from documentaries was how records of past misconducts were kept about every individual and how it influenced the actions of law-enforcement officers. However incriminating records can be produced also in many other ways. Basically, now everyone can create a post on social media, write a blog, publish a newspaper article and thus write something bad about an individual and thus influence the public image of anyone. And of course, I also do not want to be someone who is targeted by some derogatory information, especially if it is not true.

What I noticed about myself through the experience of first hypnotic regression to my past life, was that I felt being crucified without doing anything wrong. However, the second regression exposed that I am someone who is in case of self-protection also able to kill without mercy. So I am basically now walking the process of identifying what actions that others have sentenced me was I actually responsible for by breaking the laws of life. And for which actions I have been sentenced wrongly by others breaking the laws of life and then projected their own crimes onto me. Here is where I have to be very careful about my self-honesty. Because one thing is being accused of breaking the law, created by men in form of national legislation however one can despite not breaking any man-made law be a criminal in the eyes of life. Since every single time, we do not consider others as one and equal and act from the starting point of self-interest, we are guilty of a crime against other living beings.

My recent experience was also something where I have been challenged by the law of men and the law of life. From the perspective of the law of life, I wanted to attract and employ people who would resonate with me on a very deep level. My public call for applications included some unusual questions and someone made a complaint that I had broken the law of man. This resulted in the start of the inspection process that took a lot of my time, created additional costs and delayed the employment process. During the hearing, I had to present the evidence about my actions and to explain myself. Within this experience, I learned how careful I had to be about using words since they would be then interpreted by another person who has the power to decide if I broke any law of men and also if I am to be punished by only a warning or also by having to pay money. Also, any record of being convicted could prevent me and my organization to apply for public grants and participate in other similar development opportunities.

During this process that took several weeks, I after long time noticed how the energy of fear wanted to take a grip of me again. I felt in form of pressure in my head and a foggy mind and when I attended one public event it also accumulated to the point of me experiencing small vertigo. That was an indication that I need to look at this point as soon as possible and to take back the power that my mind has been challenging. So I am now going to look at some points where I abdicated self-responsibility in regards to laws of life and correct myself in order to become a more supportive part of this existence:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear any confrontation with representatives of the law of men, believing that receiving an invitation to get inspected is already an indication that I failed. I realize that the legal system is not only inspecting those who act suspiciously but is also randomly checking out individuals who perfectly comply with all laws of men. I commit myself to when and as I receive an invitation from representatives of the law of men and my mind is producing thoughts like: “You are now in deep shit and this is just the initial phase of being convicted for some crime!” to stop and breathe. I then respond to the invitation within the realization that employees of the public system also just do their job and have yet to gather evidence and prove that I broke any low of men.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in an activity before I have in detail read and understood every law that is related to that activity. I realize that by not understanding the law completely I can without awareness break a law and thus enabling others to prosecute me in a lawful way. I commit myself to when and as I engage in a particular activity and my mind is producing thoughts like: “There are so many laws out there that it is impossible to know them all so best to just do your best and check only those laws that others have indicated that you broke them!” to stop and breathe. I then slow down, take time to understand all the necessary laws since at least here in Slovenia legislation is not so complex as in some other countries.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to be careful enough within my communication with others despite my inner voice of life telling me that others might understand the nature of my writing very different than what I actually wanted to express. I commit myself to when and as I am communicating with others and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Just quickly write your thoughts and if someone will understand them differently, it will be completely their fault!” to stop and breath. I then rather slow down, become one and equal with those who will read my writing and use such words where the possibility of misinterpretation is diminished to the minimum level that I am able to achieve.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to make mistakes, especially in cases where others are point them out. I realize that I am not perfect and that making mistakes will continue to be part of my life since it is a natural part of learning. I commit myself to when and as someone has pointed out some of my mistakes and my mind is producing thoughts like: “You should be ashamed of yourself since other have discovered that you are a bad person!” to stop and breathe. I then rather thank them for showing them my imperfections within the understanding that others can play a role of a mirror and thus assist me in speeding up the process of self-realization. But above all, I commit myself to primarily listen to the voice of life within me that is pointing out my mistakes in the most gentle and the least consequential way possible.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within the DIP Lite free online course and to listen to the following related educational audios from Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence:

Who am I as Control
What Is Inner Control
Consequences of Inner Control

The Unpredictability of Life

My Life as a Bossy Perfectionistic Control-Freak
Your Clothes Control Your Life
Everything Must Be Just So
Freedom within Control
Leadership: Control Versus Guiding
Controlling Your Life or Allowing Direction to Unfold

Day 126: Group chatting self-judgement

While I had a group IRC chat the other day I noticed a quick unconscious reaction of self-judgement that would also manifest as a pinching irritation on the skin around my genitalia. So I decided to stop and transform this pattern since the manifested consequences on my physical body are far from desirable.

The nature of IRC chat is that things move very fast. Many people participate, some write more, some less and some are mere observers. Within that there are also some participant that I value more since they possess certain skills, wide awareness and have walked the process of self-realizations many years more than I. Thus I developed a respect which manifests as fear about how they see me and what they will say to me. 

During the chat I would follow the conversation and read the feeds from all the participants. Then I would have to decide if and what post to comment and what to say. The feeds move so fast that if I would write extensive comment, amounting to several sentences,  after posting it, I would have to go back and read all the post feeds from others that have been posted during me writing my comment. This pressures me in terms of making me mostly write only short comments in order not to miss reading posts of others.

However when I want to write a short comment, I have to decide what words to write in order to express myself fully while at the same time avoiding unclarity or misunderstanding when others would read what I wrote. This forces me to carefully pick the words that have the exact meaning of what I want to say and obviously in this I am limited with my current English vocabulary. Thus if I want to improve my English word expression, I will have to expand my vocabulary.

Interesting than that when I would write a short comment, I would start asking myself if my comment was clear enough and within that a self-judgement would trigger where I would claim to myself that what I have written was not specific and clear. Energy of anger towards myself would trigger and an itching feeling on my genital skin would manifest that make me scratch that area in order to release the irritating feeling.

So if I look into that pattern and ask myself, what are the components that contribute to this reaction, I can conclude that they are:

• perfectionism
• desire to be praised
• impatience
• laziness
• self-abdication
• projection
• fear of judgement
• valuing others more than me
• lack of self-trust
• lack of focus
• desire for entertainment
• bordom
• criticism
• comparison
• competition
• self-judgement
• fear of punishment
• feeling of being trapped
• overwhelmingness
• envy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards other chat participants who have been participating several years longer than me and have developed better communications skills that I currently possess. I realize that each person possesses different skills with different levels of perfections so it pointless to compare yourself towards others and create polarity relationships of being more or less towards others. I commit myself that within group communication I express myself in my unique way, according to the skills that I currently possess and I commit myself to invest time in developing my communications skills so that I will be more effective in fast and accurate live writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to after posting a comment to anticipate the responses of others and look forward to the positive responses where other will affirm that what I have written is true and correct. I realize that by acting in this way I create attachment to what I have written and am not able to be present in this very moment and am thus not focused what is happening now. I commit myself to after I write a comment to then immediately leave it where it is and then move on by reading what others have written so I can be fully present within the flow of conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the group chat value the comment from certain people more since they are in certain organizational position and execute particular function. So when I would read the comment from others I would look who wrote the comment and if someone that I do not know very good would comment, I would not place any big value to it, however if someone comment that I know well to be in particular position, I would consider it more valuable. Consequently if someone that I value more would give me a negative comment, I would feel fear and if they would give a positive comment, I would be proud and content. I realize that such relationship of labeling comment more and less valuable creates separation where I would make the source of the comment more important than the actual message. I commit myself that within group chats, I do not place any particular value on the source of the message, but to consider each comment or post equally and then investigate it from the perspective of common sense and the message that author wanted to express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to define IRC chats as primitive and boring since there is no sound and pictures. So when the chat would start, I would become impatient and restless and seek some sort of entertainment like browsing social media or similar. I realize that IRC chats are effective way of group communication since they are low in bandwidth consumption, very stable, without distractive elements, small in storing chat logs and practical for keyword searching. I realize that by engaging in additional entertainment forms during IRC chats that I loose focus and do not follow the conversation effectively. I commit myself that during group chats to fully focus on the text feed and actively participate in the conversation. By actively engaging in contributing the content, I emerge into the dynamics of conversation that than becomes interesting and consequently also the time within chat moves very quickly.

I forgive myself that I gave accepted and allowed myself to in case of extensive contributions in form of comments and perspectives of the participants in the IRC group chats to become overwhelmed by the quantity of information and thus create anxiety. I realize that by allowing thoughts and emotions to emerge during my attempt to follow the conversation flow, the mind is only redirecting my attention from what is here to the backchat which makes me loose the focus on what is here. Thus I commit myself to pay attention on the chat, breathe effectively and read all the text that is being displayed which in fact is not so much that I would need to leave out any of the sections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider the group chats to be something that I am forced to participate in and that I actually want to do something else. I realize that I actually enjoy the self-realization process that the group provides and that I find it very supporting and in time also very entertaining and fascinating. I commit myself to when I participate in the group chat to cherish the valuable opportunity of participating in such a cool supportive group, based on honesty and what is best for all.

Related audios to listen:

Comparison, Judgement and Competition

How do I Stop Punishing Myself?

Day 70: Self-forgiveness on perfection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be the best of the group and thus compete with other peers for speed and high points instead of realizing that life is not about being better than other but about collaboration and mutual support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the feeling of fear of judgement which is in fact wanting to be perfect in the eyes of the others instead of realizing that each one of us is any time in certain level of integration of some knowledge or skill and comparing yourself to others is pointless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to quietly in my mind criticize others and comparing myself to others and then feeling good due to conclusion that I am much better at some skill than others instead of realizing that we all have different skills, history and physical predispositions thus believing that each one must have the same skills is crazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being judged if I ask some question and thus exposing that I do not know something instead of realizing that I will only be able to learn if I ask questions about the things that I not know without worrying about what other people would thing about my question.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed not to expand my vocabulary and stay at my current level of vocabulary and word definitions instead of realizing that the reality is vast and complex and that I will only be able to understand the world and myself by knowing new words that would allow me to ask questions and communicate clearly and precisely about what I would like to know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the mind energies of highs and lows to direct me instead of me directing myself and moving based on the principle.

Day 69: Fear of forgetfulness

Today I will start attending a seminar which will be quite intense. My biggest fear is that I will not be able to keep up with the peers, that I will not be able to commit all the information to memory and that I will forget the knowledge quickly.

I fear that I will be judged by the educator, that I will be evaluated and found not good enough and thus removed from the group. I am question what is the best method of learning and what works best for me. Ever since high school I have not been involved and any serous study. I researched a lot on my own, I am basically learning every day, but the learning has not been structured and automatized as the course that I will be attending. 

I do not like the pressure and being forced into learning certain information in certain time span equally with my other peers. I want freedom, feeling relaxed and having fun. However this kind of approach is also not very effective in terms of best use of my time. Self-motivation to learn is very difficult to build up so I am looking forwards to the systematic approach where I will learn more in less time.