Day 73: Overcoming mind energetics

Since I moved in the new apartment and am again living single, some old patterns reappeared that sabotage my life and lower my success in achieving desired goals. I experience resistance to learning, I lack of self-discipline and I indulge in watching movies and also temptations of masturbating while watching port are becoming more and more seductive.

For example I have errands to do and then I start to think about everything that I would have to go through in order to accomplish them. I imagine things that I will have to do but I do do not like them very much and thus my mind becomes cloudy and I experience tiredness and sleepiness. However instead of focusing or resting in order to clarify things, I usually decide to watch some YouTube video. Sometimes this could be bunch of short funny videos or even movies that are about 2 ours long.

When watching movies I have a bad feeling due to thinking that I am vasting my time however I also feel good due to nice pictures, scenes, drama and action in the movies. It is my way of running from the reality, of reseting, however I understand that this is not the solution. Usually after finishing watching some cool movie, I again become sad that the movie already ended so I immediately pick another one and watch it until I feel satisfies enough and it is so late that I feel very bad and I finally decide to go to sleep.

Also since I moved I did not continue to read any book. I feel that reading books is too boring comparing to watching movies. There is no color, no movement and no sounds when reading a book and it is also annoying since the letters are so small and I have to turn pages. However I am learning that reading is essential for self-empowerment and self-realization. Leader are always readers. So if I want to achieve my goals, I will have to change my habits extensively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to think about things that might happen in the future if I decide for certain project or job instead of breathing effectively, staying here and moving step by step and allowing myself the opportunity to see what will actually happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to when I experience tiredness to start watching movies or even masturbate instead of calming down, resting and focusing and then continue with thing that I have planned to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to stop reading instead of realizing that reading each day and expanding my vocabulary each day is very important for creating a habit of self-education and enlarging my ability to focus that will result in being more successful in all areas of my life.

Day 70: Self-forgiveness on perfection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be the best of the group and thus compete with other peers for speed and high points instead of realizing that life is not about being better than other but about collaboration and mutual support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the feeling of fear of judgement which is in fact wanting to be perfect in the eyes of the others instead of realizing that each one of us is any time in certain level of integration of some knowledge or skill and comparing yourself to others is pointless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to quietly in my mind criticize others and comparing myself to others and then feeling good due to conclusion that I am much better at some skill than others instead of realizing that we all have different skills, history and physical predispositions thus believing that each one must have the same skills is crazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being judged if I ask some question and thus exposing that I do not know something instead of realizing that I will only be able to learn if I ask questions about the things that I not know without worrying about what other people would thing about my question.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed not to expand my vocabulary and stay at my current level of vocabulary and word definitions instead of realizing that the reality is vast and complex and that I will only be able to understand the world and myself by knowing new words that would allow me to ask questions and communicate clearly and precisely about what I would like to know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the mind energies of highs and lows to direct me instead of me directing myself and moving based on the principle.