Day 126: Group chatting self-judgement

While I had a group IRC chat the other day I noticed a quick unconscious reaction of self-judgement that would also manifest as a pinching irritation on the skin around my genitalia. So I decided to stop and transform this pattern since the manifested consequences on my physical body are far from desirable.

The nature of IRC chat is that things move very fast. Many people participate, some write more, some less and some are mere observers. Within that there are also some participant that I value more since they possess certain skills, wide awareness and have walked the process of self-realizations many years more than I. Thus I developed a respect which manifests as fear about how they see me and what they will say to me. 

During the chat I would follow the conversation and read the feeds from all the participants. Then I would have to decide if and what post to comment and what to say. The feeds move so fast that if I would write extensive comment, amounting to several sentences,  after posting it, I would have to go back and read all the post feeds from others that have been posted during me writing my comment. This pressures me in terms of making me mostly write only short comments in order not to miss reading posts of others.

However when I want to write a short comment, I have to decide what words to write in order to express myself fully while at the same time avoiding unclarity or misunderstanding when others would read what I wrote. This forces me to carefully pick the words that have the exact meaning of what I want to say and obviously in this I am limited with my current English vocabulary. Thus if I want to improve my English word expression, I will have to expand my vocabulary.

Interesting than that when I would write a short comment, I would start asking myself if my comment was clear enough and within that a self-judgement would trigger where I would claim to myself that what I have written was not specific and clear. Energy of anger towards myself would trigger and an itching feeling on my genital skin would manifest that make me scratch that area in order to release the irritating feeling.

So if I look into that pattern and ask myself, what are the components that contribute to this reaction, I can conclude that they are:

• perfectionism
• desire to be praised
• impatience
• laziness
• self-abdication
• projection
• fear of judgement
• valuing others more than me
• lack of self-trust
• lack of focus
• desire for entertainment
• bordom
• criticism
• comparison
• competition
• self-judgement
• fear of punishment
• feeling of being trapped
• overwhelmingness
• envy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards other chat participants who have been participating several years longer than me and have developed better communications skills that I currently possess. I realize that each person possesses different skills with different levels of perfections so it pointless to compare yourself towards others and create polarity relationships of being more or less towards others. I commit myself that within group communication I express myself in my unique way, according to the skills that I currently possess and I commit myself to invest time in developing my communications skills so that I will be more effective in fast and accurate live writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to after posting a comment to anticipate the responses of others and look forward to the positive responses where other will affirm that what I have written is true and correct. I realize that by acting in this way I create attachment to what I have written and am not able to be present in this very moment and am thus not focused what is happening now. I commit myself to after I write a comment to then immediately leave it where it is and then move on by reading what others have written so I can be fully present within the flow of conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the group chat value the comment from certain people more since they are in certain organizational position and execute particular function. So when I would read the comment from others I would look who wrote the comment and if someone that I do not know very good would comment, I would not place any big value to it, however if someone comment that I know well to be in particular position, I would consider it more valuable. Consequently if someone that I value more would give me a negative comment, I would feel fear and if they would give a positive comment, I would be proud and content. I realize that such relationship of labeling comment more and less valuable creates separation where I would make the source of the comment more important than the actual message. I commit myself that within group chats, I do not place any particular value on the source of the message, but to consider each comment or post equally and then investigate it from the perspective of common sense and the message that author wanted to express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to define IRC chats as primitive and boring since there is no sound and pictures. So when the chat would start, I would become impatient and restless and seek some sort of entertainment like browsing social media or similar. I realize that IRC chats are effective way of group communication since they are low in bandwidth consumption, very stable, without distractive elements, small in storing chat logs and practical for keyword searching. I realize that by engaging in additional entertainment forms during IRC chats that I loose focus and do not follow the conversation effectively. I commit myself that during group chats to fully focus on the text feed and actively participate in the conversation. By actively engaging in contributing the content, I emerge into the dynamics of conversation that than becomes interesting and consequently also the time within chat moves very quickly.

I forgive myself that I gave accepted and allowed myself to in case of extensive contributions in form of comments and perspectives of the participants in the IRC group chats to become overwhelmed by the quantity of information and thus create anxiety. I realize that by allowing thoughts and emotions to emerge during my attempt to follow the conversation flow, the mind is only redirecting my attention from what is here to the backchat which makes me loose the focus on what is here. Thus I commit myself to pay attention on the chat, breathe effectively and read all the text that is being displayed which in fact is not so much that I would need to leave out any of the sections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider the group chats to be something that I am forced to participate in and that I actually want to do something else. I realize that I actually enjoy the self-realization process that the group provides and that I find it very supporting and in time also very entertaining and fascinating. I commit myself to when I participate in the group chat to cherish the valuable opportunity of participating in such a cool supportive group, based on honesty and what is best for all.

Related audios to listen:

Comparison, Judgement and Competition

How do I Stop Punishing Myself?

Day 89: Prioritizing activities according to awareness

Yesterday evening a friend came to visit me and we had a chat about what has been going on lately in our lives. Especially what are the potentials, how to set priorities, how to direct oneself effectively and how to deal with all possible distractions that come into ones life. We also discussed the role of the money as the motivator to move and the impact that one has on the world when being involved in specific project.

Both of us concluded that we need money to survive in this system so the money is what influences our decisions and directs daily priorites. For me it has never been a problem earning money since I have a lot of skills and knowledge and I am able to learn new things and adopt very quickly. However during my last years of self-realization I became more and more aware of the impact that I have on this world, my potentials and the power of influence and how this world functions, meaning how extensively each of us is connected and dependent on each other. Thus in accordance to the expansion of my awareness also my decisions of what kind of activities I would do changed extensively.

The initial years of my own business life I would do services and products that did not impact this world or had power to change the world system very much. Then I started to notice how my time is being wasted by being just a quiet observer and doing nothing significant to improve the situation. I became aware that most people do things based on self-interest and do not care much about the fellow human being. So at least I wanted to invest my time in activities that would make this world a better place for all. However I found out that generating money for such activities is much more difficult since you stop producing services or products for consumers and start doing activities that creates resistance within the world system as we know it. 

I also found out that working alone would not be able to produce any significant impact and that collaborating with others as a group is necessary for any real change. And that created additional frustration with establishing a proper management system and increased the demand to manage my own life much more effectively. So I am learning now management systems and search for the people who would be qualified for collaboration on such large-scale projects. Finding the people that have strong motivation and possibilities in their life to join the groups that I am involved in and thus increase impact of the group extensively turned out to be quite a challenge.

Currently I gave to manage all aspects of my personal and business life and this means that many points require my focus. Inviting new people in my team would allow me to multiply the results of invested time manyfold since the activities could be delegated to others and less points would require my personal attention. However this also require me to become more responsible and manage money more effectively in order to assure that all team members would have enough money for their survival in this system. So what I need to do now is overcome the fear of possibility to become overwhelmed by managing a group of people. 

Day 73: Overcoming mind energetics

Since I moved in the new apartment and am again living single, some old patterns reappeared that sabotage my life and lower my success in achieving desired goals. I experience resistance to learning, I lack of self-discipline and I indulge in watching movies and also temptations of masturbating while watching port are becoming more and more seductive.

For example I have errands to do and then I start to think about everything that I would have to go through in order to accomplish them. I imagine things that I will have to do but I do do not like them very much and thus my mind becomes cloudy and I experience tiredness and sleepiness. However instead of focusing or resting in order to clarify things, I usually decide to watch some YouTube video. Sometimes this could be bunch of short funny videos or even movies that are about 2 ours long.

When watching movies I have a bad feeling due to thinking that I am vasting my time however I also feel good due to nice pictures, scenes, drama and action in the movies. It is my way of running from the reality, of reseting, however I understand that this is not the solution. Usually after finishing watching some cool movie, I again become sad that the movie already ended so I immediately pick another one and watch it until I feel satisfies enough and it is so late that I feel very bad and I finally decide to go to sleep.

Also since I moved I did not continue to read any book. I feel that reading books is too boring comparing to watching movies. There is no color, no movement and no sounds when reading a book and it is also annoying since the letters are so small and I have to turn pages. However I am learning that reading is essential for self-empowerment and self-realization. Leader are always readers. So if I want to achieve my goals, I will have to change my habits extensively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to think about things that might happen in the future if I decide for certain project or job instead of breathing effectively, staying here and moving step by step and allowing myself the opportunity to see what will actually happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to when I experience tiredness to start watching movies or even masturbate instead of calming down, resting and focusing and then continue with thing that I have planned to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to stop reading instead of realizing that reading each day and expanding my vocabulary each day is very important for creating a habit of self-education and enlarging my ability to focus that will result in being more successful in all areas of my life.

Day 14: My believes in regards money analysis

Day 13 is in my Slovenian blog

Yesterday when I woke up and was still in bed I had a few hours of talk with my girlfriend to become more aware about my accepted believes that limit my life and that I inherited mostly from my parents. I talked for hours and became more aware of many of this thinking patterns.

The most limiting believes are in regards money, values and wealth. These believes sabotage my life in a way where I do not allow the larger money flow into my life. But I do not accept this anymore and push myself in order to overcome this limitations.

One of the related points is also the ability to work and collaborate in a group. One alone is able to generate only a limited income and in order to earn more money, there is basically no other option but to learn how to work as a team in a network or company of several or more people.

And besides limited believes in regard money, the important point is also to know how to handle the money. This includes discipline to track all the money incomes and outcomes, generated profit or money currently available and fixed monthly costs. Some believes that I got from observing my father:

1. You have to physically work hard in order to earn money
2. Rich people got their money only by dirty business
3. If you have a lot of money, you will get corrupt
4. Don't count your money, just do your work best
5. Surprise others by producing before they even order
6. What others think about you is very important
7. Do not stick your nose in other people's business
8. If you care mostly for yourself, you always be just fine
9. Do what you like, follow your excitement
10. Best to work alone since other people are terrible
11. Don't ask what others want, do what you think is best
12. Eat well, enjoy, have fun, since life is short
13. Respect the law, since your public image is very important
14. You are just a small man, so you have to care for yourself
15. Do not load to much work, have a quiet simple life

Now I am pushing myself to transcending those limiting believes. I have started to work in several international and local groups to learn how to collaborate. I care to ask for other people's perspective before I do projects. I have engaged in business that will generate more money.

But there are still believes in me that needs to be removed. These believes make me bed when trying to sell a product with high value or price. I try to innovate and change things that work well and make them work not so well anymore. I still have resistance in regards keeping up to date records of all my money transitions. And when I get enough money I loose my motivation to work in till I am again short of money.

Day 6: Someone stole my windscreen wiper

You can find my Day 5 blog post in my Slovenian blog

Yesterday it was raining and I had to make a delivery in the town. I decided to take my car that has been parked for couple of days around the corner of nearby building. When I started driving and turned on the windscreen wipers, I was shocked since instead of wiper wiping the raindrops off the windscreen, I bare steel wiper handle scratched the glass. Someone has stolen my wiper! It was friday evening and the car repair shop was already closed. So I decided to make a delivery in spite of my wipers being broken.

After delivery I decided to go to the nearest gas pump and check out if they have the wipers on stock. The pump girl asked me what length of wipers do I need. I did not know that, so I firstly checked the car instructions and there was also no information about that. So I call the car assistance telephone number and asked for the data.

I told them the car brand and model and the operator asked if I need the information for the right or the left wiper. I said that my car has only one wiper handle, but the operator insisted that my car model has two handles. I then checked the wiper again and found out that in deed my car model had two handles, but they did not only steal the wiper from the handle, but completely broke off the second metal handle and I did not notice that in the first place since I was quite under shock. So I decided to wait for the next morning and drive my car to the car shop immediately when they open at 8 am.

After arriving to the car shop next morning, I told the shop receptionist what happend and if they can assist me. They did not had the handle for my car model on stock so I placed an order and it is expected to be delivered on Monday afternoon. This quite thwarted my business plans since I expected to do several business house meetings on Sunday. I will have to see if it will stop raining tomorrow and if I will be able to do the visits in spite ob broken wipers. And the total wipers repair costs is estimated to be about 100 €, so I am also not very happy about additional unexpected cost.

Now I am thinking about if I shall report this car part theft and damage to the police or if this is such a small event they they would not want to bother. Then I am thinking that if it would be better to always park my car in the front of my house where I can see it from my windows and where it would also be near a security camera of nearby Italian embassy. I am thinking about who and why did someone do this to me, if this was a targeted act or a random theft and why they not only stole both wipers but also broke one wiper handle that they would also not be able to use or sell since it is broken.

I am angry that someone did this damage to my car that will take my time and money to restore. Was this a pure vandalism? Did someone see the wipers as opportunity to get some valuable object that could be sold and exchanged for drugs or something? And what can I do now to prevent similar event to happen in the future?

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to become shocked when I noticed that my car wipers are not as I would expected to be, since anything can happen with any object that I possess and am surrounded with, especially since they are accessible also to other beings in my community.
   
   
2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to worry about what might happen to my possession in the future instead of realizing that everything in this physical existence is subject to change and under influence of many forces, events and beings that are part of this world.
   
   
3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed not to realize that everything on this world is borrowed to me just for a short time from birth to death and when I die I will leave everything behind so it is best all the time to be aware of that fact and not get attached to anything outside of me.
   
   
4. I commit myself to all the time focus on my breath and observe my surrounding as it is in this very moment and accept the current state pf physical reality without any expectations about how it should be.
   
   
5. I commit myself to always work only with what is here and use the endless opportunities to reach my goals and objections in any possible way that is available.
   
   
6. I commit myself to change the world system so that it will support all basic needs of all living being in this world by implementing Equal Money System that will also remove the need of theft or taking away the possessions of other in order to support oneself.

Day 1: Understanding energy

After completing DIP Lite free online course where I established a habit of daily writing, I am now joining the 7-years daily blogging challenge for Life. This means that for the next 7 years I am committing myself to regularly each day write at least a short blog post that will assist me in realizing and changing some of my thinking and habit patterns that are not based on the principles of equality and what is best for all. Since I already am having two blogs; this one in English language and the other one in Slovenian language, I decided to write every first day in my English and every second day in my Slovenian blog.

So for the first entry of my 7-years Journey to Life challenge I will start by realization how extensively energy of the mind controls my life. For example in the past days I have been involved in a new business launch preparation activities where I was to to a lot of thinking, planning and decision making. By trying to estimate and predict what would be the consequences of different decisions, I tried to figure out the one that would lead to desired results.

Within this thinking I noticed that I started to feel more heavier and heavier until I lost the will to work and I had to take some rest. Usually a 20 minutes nap in my bed assist with recuperating myself until I would become motivated again for the work. While resting I notice that I start to thing in a subconscious way where all the thought and ideas come together and then subconsciously I come to some conclusion that launches me up and gives me a new momentum. Within that I start to feel light or weightless and I immediately go to action.

Common people could say this kind of working process in normal and usual, however I have watched a couple of days a video titled Self Change through Self Movement: DAY 332 where it was explain how this process of work is very limited and that there are better ways to move yourself in this reality. It is in fact living in a polarity of positive and negative energy instead of releasing oneself from the influence of mind energy in totality and directing yourself in every breath as life.

And while doing research on education, I realized how extensively I was influenced by playing the computer games, working with computer, watching TV and practicing masturbation in my childhood years and how this made me extensively addicted to mind energy and need for mind stimulation. I became more and more isolated and not very socialized, satisfied by my own bubble of reality where computers and TV screen became my world of choice within I could enjoy the stimulation of pictures, sounds and feeling of achievement.

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the computer and TV screen to become my main door to experience reality of this life instead of realizing that most of people do even not have electricity and thus no computer.
   
   
2. I forgive myself that I have accepted allowed watching movies to become my favorite way of relaxing when starting to feel tired instead of realizing that it only creates more stress in my mind and filles me with additional pictures of scenes and more information that I then have to process and digest.
   
   
3. I commit myself that when I star to feel tired I take a deep breath and do some proper rest and work with information that is here and move myself within this physical reality.
   
   
4. I commit myself to do more research within physical interaction with other people by attending social event instead of being lazy and only observing people via computer and social networks such as FaceBook.

Finished DIP Lite

For the past couple of months I was not writing my blogs. I decided so since I did not stabilized my financial situation yet and I had to focus. I was afraid that writing blogs would take precious time that I could use by focusing on my projects.

However I was aware of the necessity of continuing of my process of self-realization, thus I decided to try out the new free online course Desteni I Process Lite or DIP Lite for short. I started the course November 16th 2012 and I pushed myself to basically do one lesson per day. I finished the last lesson yesterday, so it takes at least 4.5 months or about 135 days to finish it. I thank my buddy Yogan Barrientos for approving my DIP Lite assignments during the course.

During the course I was supported to develop a habit od daily writing thus today I am happy to say that I restarted writing my blog with the assistance of the daily writing habit that I developed during DIP Lite course. I will now direct myself to do my daily blog writing regularly in order to enforce this very supportive habit. I then plan to continue the Desteni I Process by starting the DIP Pro course.

Past several times was a very turbulent period for me, since I accepted two design web projects for the customers that came out not to be the best match for me. I learned now to importance of creating and signing detailed agreement for every single project in order to avoid misunderstandings. However I am glad that I have put those projects behind so I can now fully focus on my new business.

Life After GIN reply

This is a publicly published copy of my reply to forwarded e-mail announcement that FTC is about to arrest Kevin Trudeau and that also GIN club that I am member of will consequently cease:

Dear fellow Destonians,

after reading all the linked legal papers of the FTC, listening to all the audio recordings of past lectures that Dr. Leonard Coldwell had for the GIN members that are available for the GIN Level 1 members, reading Kevin Trudeau's books "Natural Cures They Don't Want You To Know About" and "The Weight Loss Cure They Don't Want You to Know About" and many of articles an the web, accusing Kevin Trudeau of different illegal actions and frauds, meeting and listening Kevin Trudeau live in Germany last year and in Chicago and Nice this year, and going through all the GIN affiliate training material, a can conclude that:

1. Kevin Trudeau has been raised in a very poor family, some times not having enough even to buy the food and that fired up Kevin to create for him a life where he will not have to suffer and live in scarcity anymore. As a child he was diagnosed with learning disabilities and suggested to select mathematics as profession or some other job, like forester, since he was suppose to have no ability to communicate and work with other people. He proved them wrong by overcoming his deficits and becoming a very successful salesman and communicator. In certain period his passion for making money drove him over the edge and he spent almost 2 years in prison. However he learned the lesson and that made him a better person. He started to pick the occupations where he would be able to develop himself but also to benefit the society as much as possible. This is why he joined the American Mega Memory Institute and later worked as the most effective salesman of the homeopathic remedies in an MLM company. After becoming very wealthy, he started to diversify his business and that created even more wealth for him. However now Kevin has realized that we are all in this together and that none are free until all are free. And GIN is the manifestation of this realization.

2. The Global Information Network was created with intention to make this world a better place for all by creating a global community of responsible people who would represent an opposing force, big enough to stop the corrupt elite that wants to enslave all the mankind purely for their self-interest. GIN provides almost identical support system that elite secret societies had for their members, however with much lower entry requirements and thus enabling almost anyone to join. However the club is not for everyone; the full age, understanding of English language and sufficient financial success is required in order to become member. However every member can engage in optional MLM affiliate program and earn at least the initiation fee and monthly membership dues back. For me, over 10.000 hours of audios, videos and books on how to become emotionally stable, build a harmonious relationships, become a responsible businessman, cure yourself of every disease, time and money management principles and all the networking and friendship creating opportunities are more than worth of membership dues. However some pople had unrealistic expectations, left the club and became GIN hate speakers. And we all have experienced how and why this things happen.

3. Dr. Leonard Coldwell has its own health clinic in Germany and is treating cancer patients with virtual 100% success in comparison with conventional medicine with only 3% of success. What fired him up was the case where doctors almost killed his mother that had cancer with radiation and chemotherapy thus he decided to take situation in his hands. Dr. C as he is also called, was until recent a very respectful speaker in GIN and he was payed a high speaking fees. However he is not any more a GIN speaker nor member or affiliate and a have suspected that it would come to this point some day. This is because I have heard some audio recordings of Dr. C in the GIN online library where he admits having agreement with GIN for not advertising his own products directly in his speeches for the GIN members, however he deliberately broke that agreement. From how I perceive him, he is very high tempered and wants to push things his own way thus this renders him incapable of collaborating in GIN as a group and respecting agreements.

4. Federal Trade Comission or FTC as well as Food and Drug Administration or FDA have been exposed in Kevin's books as puppets in the hands of large corporations and are utmost corrupt. Basically all legal system is tailored to fit the profit interests of big business, especially big pharma and food producing multinational corporations. They are systemically destroying the legal system and small businesses and dumbing down and enslaving the nations. It is a big challenge to find an effective way about how to stop or even reverse this process. One approach is Desteni and the other is Global Information Network. Both have upsides and downside, both fit differed kid of people and both have challenges, but both have the same goal or starting point. Kevin has in his late GIN audio explained that he is aware of the legal and also illegal attempts to disable him, since he is a very influential whistle blower on government corruption, however he is convinced that the GIN global movement will continue also without him, since the truth eventually prevails every single time.

So we are all in this together, we pick the ways that best suits our needs for the lessons in order to gain as much realization and became effective in living here with all our needs covered. Basically all of us need to become a responsible co-creator in this world with full awareness of the consequences of our every single action on all the creation. Personally I fully support and advertise Desteni agenda of world equality and Equal Money System, however I am temporary focused on GIN in order to get the complete picture about what it is about and what one can benefit from it. Transformation of self and global system is definitely necessary in order for all to be able to live here as one and equals with all the needs covered and full self-expression protected. Collaboration of us all is required in order to achieve this goal as soon as possible. This is possible only with taking self-responsibility for all our thoughts and emotions and effectively directing ourselves based on the principle of what is best for all.

Valentin Rozman

PS: Since GIN is creation of 30 people, Kevin being just one of tem, selected to be a frontman of the GIN, he himself expects that GIN will continue existing also if something happens to him. A lot of effort was made in many years of preparation and computer simulation prior to GIN launch in order to make sure that GIN will be a stable club and totally aligned with the legal system in every country in the world. Every organization can collapse any time, and it is up to every member to act as a glue and hold the organization firm and strong or spread speculations and thus create fear that will lead so separation and destruction. It is our thoughts and action that create the future.

PS2: I just listened to the GIN Member Weekly Audio where Kevin explained that since the court does not want to consider any objection from his side regarding his court case anymore, he decided to pay fine of 33 million dollars thus there is no reason for him being arrested. The club by his words stands firm and will continue to develop as planned.
.
.

2012 Spirituality Exposed - Ignorance and apathy of Zen and Tao

The other day some guy came to visit me in order for us to know each other better. We shared our life story and our future plans. What surprised me was his decision to go on a sailboat and sail around a world in couple of weeks. This decision was based on his understanding that life is very simple and that you can life a fulfilling and joyful life if you reduce your personal needs on the minimum and not to possess a lot of things. He was inspired by his past spiritual experiences like Zen and Tao and he learned to a modest life to be the key to happiness.

Artwork by Ann Van den Broeck

Well, I also have a lot of colorful spiritual experiences. Zen, Taoism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Christianity and many other religions and spiritual paths was also what I studied in depth. There was I moment in my life when I was obsessive Hare Krishna fanatic, dressed myself in sheets and preached the high knowledge of Vedas from door to door with my lap full of precious books. I was prepared to sell all my propriety and live in the temple to live as servant to my lord Krishna and other living beings. From my perspective I knew what life is, what is purpose of life and what is my mission in this life.

I felt safe in Hare Krishna society, there was food, lectures, prayers, dancing, mixing, having fun and feeling good. I started to watch people who were out there in the matrix as lost and delusional and in great need of help from our side in order to save them from their ignorance. However I slowly started to realize that even Hare Krishna society needed the source of income. We had to sold books and charge fees for events and then the society also opened a Govinda's franchise restaurant. So religions are not much different from any other business since money is the essential means of exchange and without money there is no god that can keep you alive in current world system.

Of course one can then decide for a path of a loner, find some place in this world when governments allow individuals to pick a part of land and live there in separation. But even this can not last very long. Ruling elite can swap, change laws and they drive you away from the land. In this word, anyone can use the system to raise himself up to the top power position and use money to do whatever they want, even kill millions of people for the protection of their self-interest. So becoming a loner is not the highest and best way of living that can be applied to any single person, only for those who were born in elite part of the world, who know how the system functions and who know how to get from the system whatever and whenever they need.

But this kind of attitude is not the highest realization and certainly not the final point of self-development that one can achieve. It is only a celebration of your ego and your individuality by totally ignoring other individuals and leaving them with their own problems. Even further, individuality and self-interest is the cause of all suffering in this world since we ignore the needs of other and advertise only the free will and free enterprise and thus leaving also a space for the freedom of abuse. The free will and free enterprise means also a freedom to do whatever you want without consequence and without any limitation. However since we live in limited physical reality on one planet where billions of other beings live, you always influence others with your own actions.

Thus the highest realization is that if you want to properly be taken care of, you have to consider also other fellow beings. Eventually a new system will have to be implemented that takes care for each individual and prevents any person who want to practice his free choice by deliberately hurting others. This system is already being developed and is called an Equal Money System. It is a practical functional peaceful political program that will change the world laws so that a dignified life for all humans, plants and animals will be guaranteed from life to death. Join the EMS forum and participate if you also want to support practical oneness and equality.
.

2012 Masturbation experience change report

I have been masturbating for many years regularly and it has been a sort of stress relief tool for me. Whenever I would become bored or tired of work, I would feel a desire to masturbate. In past couple of years since I started my Desteni process of self-realization, I have been experimenting with masturbation in order to transcend this habit. I year ago for example I managed not to masturbate for several months, but then I started again. Though I would consider the advice not to use any pornographic material while masturbating as much as possible.

In time the desire to masturbate would slowly diminish and due to habit of wanting to become more relaxed I often forced myself into masturbation in order to experience the energy of orgasm. Some times just stroking my penis would not be enough so I assisted myself by watching pornographic movie in order to become stimulated enough to activate orgasmic release. But for the last couple of weeks my penis became desensitized to extent that solely stroking penis would become a feeling not much different like stroking my finger or any other part of my body. So from my penis being a joy stick where touching would activate energy of extremely big pleasure, now these energies do not activate anymore and the penis does not erect after stroking it up and down.

I find this condition a great relief since I do not become horny anymore and do not need any energetic release that is explained to function as a fuel to ones mind-consciousness system. I am though a bit worried if stopping masturbation will somehow decrease my ability to have sex since some say that erecting penis and ejaculating from time to time keeps penis functional and in form. I worry that the skin around my penis head would loose its elasticity and volume so that when I would have sex and erect penis in future, the skin would not be able to move over the penis head and would inflict pain at sex penetration.

Anyway, I currently do not have any desire for sex so I will wait until the next sex opportunity emerges and see what happens then. Certainly if one observes the act of sex it is a very violent act since two bodies rub each other forcefully. I remember how painful the head of penis becomes right after I experience orgasm and ejaculation, so maybe this is a true physical feeling that is masked by the mind energy of good feeling until the ejaculation happens. And for the sake of pure practicality, we can see that functionality of sex penetration is purely for the sake of producing children and nothing more.

So from this perspective I do not need sex penetration anymore until I find some partner and we both decide to have some children. And since sex also takes a lot of time, especially if it has been executed several times per week or even couple of times per day, not having sex is extremel big time saver. One can then use all that spare time for something more productive, like changing the system and making this world the best place for all.

There has also been a change in regards to my feeling in the head, the blood pressure and it is all connected to breathing. I have been noticing for past several months, how sometimes my head or brain feels like tired or on low pressure. This feeling manifests often where there is a sunny cloudless weather with high air pressure. Especially in occasions like that I have been noticing, how my breathing is influencing the feeling in my head and how deep breath or stoping my breath is directly and strongly influencing my blood pressure and the feeling in my head. So I have to pay attention on my breathing constantly and direct it properly in order to keep my body stable.

This concludes my report of changes that I have been noticing in regards to my physical body. I might mention that I have also started to drink tea and hot chocolate with Ganoderma Lucidum healing mushroom two weeks ago since I got involved in another direct selling or multi level marketing business with Organo Gold brand. It could be that this Ganoderma, that is also called Reishi in Japan and Ling Zhi in China, is also influencing my physical body and triggering some reactions. And I have also made some big decisions in regards to my business that could also be a mental contributors to how I experience myself. There could be many factors that I am not aware of that influence me, including removal of some interdimensional systems from humanity that people at Desteni perform. But what matters most is that I walk my process and perfect myself constantly so that life on Earth can become more pleasant for me as for others.
.

2012 My first introduction of self-forgiveness experience

At Desteni we walk the process of self-realization where we use some tools in order to clear our minds from accepted and allowed points of separation. One of basic tools is called self-forgiveness and I am going to explain here what this tool is about, how it works and how it influenced my life.

I have been testing many self-realisation practices from about year 2000 after I broke up with my first girlfriends and wanted to find out why that happened. I read hundreds of books on personal relationship, psychology, spirituality and metaphysics in order to understand how human mind works. At that time also an itching rush developed on my skin around genital area that started to itch whenever I experienced a conflict situation. I thus also researched Western, Traditional and Alternative medicine.

Many specialist from Ayurvedic and Chinese medicine examined me and prescribed drugs and some practices with no effects. Also many expensive Reiki and Angelic healers had no power to assist me. Even after many years of Yoga, Meditation and Tai Chi practice nothing changed. The same was with my involvement in Buddhist and Hare Krishna religious groups and participation on many Rainbow and Holistic camps. Couple of regressions in my previous lives, Numerological and Jyotish astrological analysis produced the same blank results.

It was only in year 2009 after I firstly joined Structural Resonance Course where I begun to understood how mind-consciousness system works, how the emotional energies are produced when I saw the potencial to create some real change in my life. I found out that the rush on my skin is the manifested consequence of my own allowed and accepted believes of separation that destroy my physical body with the energies of the mind. And I learned also that I am able to become aware of those believes with assistance of writing and that I am able to defuse them by using the tool of self-forgiveness.

When I was firstly introduces to these knowledge and tools, I knew that this is the key that I have been searching for my whole life. Many things have been presented to me before with promise of salvation, but it was all deception. Here at Desteni there is no single deception and it is all about oneness and equality for real. I was able to finally realize that there is no one outside of me who is guilty of what I am experiencing in my life and that there is no one outside who can save me. I have created my experience and only I can change my experience.

So I started to walk the process of self-honesty and using the self-forgiveness in my daily life. Whenever I would experience energetic reaction inside me, I would stop, search for the definition of separation that was in conflict with reality that I experienced and I would forgive myself this illusional definition. Soon my skin condition improved and I can tell you that self-forgiveness works like magic. However, here is no magic, no tricks, it is just clear understanding of how mind works and taking full self-responsibility for your creation. In just few months my problems went away faster than all fake old and new age practices in past ten years combined.

But one has to undersand that the process of self-realisation takes many years even using this tool of self-forgiveness. There are many layers of conscious, subconscious and unconscious layers of the mind to be walked. After digging deeper and deeper some new reactions of vertigo and nausea appeared recently and I also started noticing many tiny subconscious skin irritations that I will yet have to remove. However due to extreme ease of use and massive effectiveness of Desteni tools like breathing, writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, I recommend everyone to start using and applying these magnificent tools as soon as possible.

Forgiveness is deception since it is you who create resentment towards others due to self-accepted and allowed definitions of separation and polarity oppositions. Thus you can not forgive anyone but yourself for deceiving yourself and blaming others for what you have created and projected onto others. All the problems in this world will be solved if we take it all back to self. We are the creators, but thus far we blamed others for what we created. Only when we take back self-responsibility for what we created, we regain ability to change this reality so that we can all live here a dignified life, full of abundance and real freedom of self-expression for all. Join us!
.

2012 - My blog process timeline 2010 - 2011

This is a copy of my English blog process timeline in years 2010 - 2011 as posted on Desteni forum for easier overview:

2010 - September
2010 - My first blog post
2010 - Why took me so long to start writing myself to freedom

2010 - October
2010 - Masturbation stop day 30, getting more realization, dating
2010 - Second date with the new girl
2010 - Having vertigo the whole day
2010 - Feeling better, processing posts, feedbacks, choosing celibacy
2010 - The history and future of me and Desteni
2010 - Pointing fingers and blaming
2010 - Finished working for some close relative
2010 - Emotional manipulation and projection
2010 - Defusing anger points in regards driving a car
2010 - Fear in regards to working as self-employed
2010 - Birthing myself from the physical
2010 - The starting point of my blogs and vlogs

2010 - November
2010 - Facing point in regards to reading posts of others
2010 - Business and group relationships getting better
2010 - Consequences of mentioning my father in my blogs
2010 - Pain in my back after subjugation to my father

2010 - December
2010 - Breath orgasm instead of masturbating
2010 - Repeating strong vertigo research
2010 - Vertigo research continued
2010 - Masturbation point research
2010 - Girlfriend relationship mind construct
2010 - The emotional December girl
2010 - Defusing reactions regarding YouTube
2010 - Defusing reactions regarding YouTube continued
2010 - Reactions in regards liking on the FaceBook
2010 - Analyzing my dreams of deep water and great hight
2010 - Facing my fears regarding politics
2010 - My lectures about Desteni and self-forgiveness announcement

2011 - January
2011 - About one man who impressed me a lot in past several years
2011 - No more mercy in regards to my mind-fucks!
2011 - Exposing secret mind related to submissive personality
2011 - My chat experience with founder of Wikileaks Slovenia
2011 - Sound Money - The gold standard is not the solution
2011 - Sold apartment, girlfriend visited, holidays at Desteni farm
2011 - Contract closed, climbed the hill, researched sexual intimacy
2011 - Zeitgeist Moving Forward - Movie review
2011 - Considering farming in order to relieve my butt
2011 - Got money from selling apartment, bought ticket to Desteni farm
2011 - How physical supports me with itching and vertigo in detail
2011 - Message to the girl who is madly in love with me and the vertigo
2011 - Curing cancer effectively with sodium bicarbonate and iodine
2011 - Continuing with moving out, spreading the message of Desteni
2011 - Bought new photo equipment, met new interesting people
2011 - Our country Slovenia soon facing bankruptcy
2011 - Finally moved out to my father's place, who became 60 years old
2011 - Another strong but short collapse, moved furniture to basement

2011 - February
2011 - Alcohol and celebrations, ex-apartment prepared for takeover
2011 - 2010 with Shaman, Kiesha Crowthe - Lecture video review
2011 - My first Desteni speech over, tomorrow will have the second one
2011 - The second Desteni speech executed, upgrading my computer
2011 - Support for Relationship Demon possessed females
2011 - Valentin travelling to Desteni farm in South Africa report

2011 - March
2011 - Dream about innocence, unconscious mind and self-responsibility
2011 - Valentin's impressions after returning from Desteni farm
2011 - First week after returning from Desteni farm report
2011 - Running out of time for doing all the things that I plan
2011 - Group of Slovenian people with a kid who can see aura
2011 - Landmark Education / Forum - a Destonian perspective
2011 - Walking process alone vs. walking in the group

2011 - April
2011 - How disaster in Japan influenced me
2011 - Backchat 24. March 2011
2011 - How to give an effective support
2011 - Going deeper in my mind-patterns
2011 - Fear attacked me again, stronger than ever
2011 - Exposing nasty tricks of my ego
2011 - I got my first recruit
2011 - Observing myself from point of all existence
2011 - Opening of Theosophic library in Celje
2011 - Attending Studio 12 video production workshop
2011 - Silverpoint time share holidays & vacation club
2011 - Moving forward, slowly but effectively

2011 - May
2011 - Bulding self-trust
2011 - Broadcasting equality
2011 - My grandmother > Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction
2011 - Facing fear of future challenges
2011 - Corruption of legal system in Slovenia
2011 - I finally moved to our capital city Ljubljana

2011 - June
2011 - Make-up Artistry
2011 - How I met Desteni
2011 - Evil wins when good people do nothing

2011 - July
2011 - Equality Store development report
2011 - A new family member joined

2011 - August
2011 - Priority management
2011 - There is no other choice but breathing
2011 - Focus only on the positive - start canning the air!
2011 - Robin Hood Tax

2011 - September
2011 - Perfectionism as the most prominent evil in my life
2011 - Improving my interaction with others for better success

2011 - October
2011 - What about families in an equal money system?
2011 - Facing my reactions in regards to psychology study

2011 - November
2011 - What can I do to support the Equal Money System?
2011 - What if I don't want to work for 4 years in EMS?
2011 - Isn't Equal Money System the death of individualism?

2011 - December
2011 - Destructive nature of love as feeling

I invite you to also check out my Slovenian blog process timeline, my vlog process timeline in Slovenian language and my vlog process timeline in English language.
.

2012 - Valentin moving forward

I have noticed, how I slowed down in my process of self-realization in the past several months. Some of the reasons was the relationship where my partner was not willing to walk in the process with me equally, and some of the reasons were my occupation with the school and development of Equality Store. I recently dropped the school and ended the unproductive relationship, so I am now pushing myself again towards more effective process.

The major points that made me procrastinate is the question of setting the priorities. We all have limited time and time management is important in achieving desired results. I learned that something like time management is basically not possible since outflow of actual events is the product of many people and variables, so time-framing is not very effective way of executing points. More effective approach is priority management. In stead of slicing available time and assigning certain projects to certain time-frames, it is much better only to define daily priority points and make the time-frames more loose or practically non-existent.

Then in regards to setting priorities, there are priorities in regards to personal life, professional life and global development. There are some personal desires that I want to fulfill, like being in supportive relationship/agreement, there are goals to earn enough money in my line of business and there are priorities in regards to changing this world system so that it will guarantee a dignified life for all humans, animals and plants.

So far I have not been applying time or priority management very extensively. Sure I have been using computer calendar to write down my appointments and meetings, but most of my life happen very spontaneously. I allowed my thoughts and emotions to direct me, to produce new ideas that would drive me in different directions throughout the day. This was in a way exciting, but not very effective in terms of reaching desired goals. Until I had enough money, I lived very relaxed and worked in a very unpredictable ways.

Now, when I see that my money reserves are running out, the fear of survival has started to direct me towards more effective way of life. I learned some managements techniques that I plan to apply in my life and I am continuing with learning even more. What I found out is that writing is indispensable tool for personal and also business effectiveness. The thought that occupied my mind in regards to this point is how much to write and what kind of writing to use? Writing with computer can be faster and one can share the content on the web very easy, but handwriting, especially using white paper and a pen with blue ink is suppose to be the most effective way.

Writing can be done to communicate certain information with others in a business way, but here we use writing as a tool to communicate with self and come to self-realisation. Self-talk is what is also recommended for professional use, one can do it silently, but speaking out loud is even more effective. But since this self-talk does not bring any money, I am thinking about how much time to dedicate to self-talk and self-realisation and how much to more money-making activities. Balancing those two points is crucial for overall success in everyone's life. And decision when to use handwriting and when computer typing is a big question that I will have to deal with constantly.

I prefer typing on my notebook computer since I can do it everywhere and then share the content on my blog and forum. The downsides of working with computer is that requires to be handled in a very careful way, enough power has to be provided, and it is proven that what one types on the computer does not stay in ones memory very long. In order to remember things better, handwriting is the best way to write. A paper notebook does not need any power, it can be much smaller and handy, but handwriting is much more slower. The desire to do things faster is why I procrastinated using paper and pen so far. But I plan to change my habits in order to do things in my life in the most effective way.

It is strange, how I perceived that I would write about other points when I would start to write about the reasons for procrastinating, and now those points seems irrelevant. Like the physical pain of my body due to force of gravity while writing for long time in the same position. Now I see that I am easily able to the position of my body and prevent any pain. And due to past business experiences I developed enough self-trust not to be afraid of not being able to earn enough money. I have been always able to see many potentials so all that was necessary was to move my ass and walk long enough until the effects became a reality.

1. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thing that all the points that accumulated in my life are too overwhelming to face and that is best to get involved in money-making actions, instead of realizing that the mind is that makes life overwhelming and that stopping the mind is a priority point in regards to becoming able to live here practically an effectively in every moment.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about things, believing that thinking is what will make points clear and that it will bring me to best solution, instead of realizing that thoughts in my mind are there only to distract me from what is here and that thinking always leads only to more thinking and time-looping.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait for myself, believing that other things are more important to do, instead of realizing that my process is the most important thing in my life and that other things will be resolved more effectively if I put the process of self-realisation as the main priority.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not wanting to write due to constant hurry of moving myself somewhere forward, instead of realizing that life can be lived only in this moment, without any expectations and desires about the future.
   
   
5. The next time I see my mind move, I stop, breathe and start writing until the point is cleared.

.

2011 - Observing myself from point of all existence

I am more and more sorting out my life, and yesterday I have tidied up all my stuff so the kitchen and living room and computer desk is finally clean thus I can now fully focus on my projects. Now I have to process the photos from my blogging in nature and from one business projects where I shot the photos for one wine producer. Then I could also start to edit videos from my visit at Desteni farm. I am still learning the professional video editing software and all the points that I need to learn are quite extensive. I want to make the best of the video clips so I want to firstly know what is possible to do with this tools in order to produce high quality of the final videos. I have also decided to buy a professional video camera and I plan to produce high quality videos that would support Desteni and equality system. Since I plan to do a lot of shots also in nature, I plan also to buy a pro video camera backpack that will enable me to carry the camera everywhere, also to the high mountains. I will then invite Destonians from Slovenia to come with the script to produce many interesting videos to expose atrocities of this world and introduce Desteni solutions to the masses.

While studying how to use video editing software I became overwhelmed with the extensive options to pimp-up the projects. You can get in great perfection in regards to clip sequencing, transitions, colour toning, special effects, and audio is also very important point here. I visited some video studio and saw how many people collaborate on video projects. Script editors, directors, camera operators, boom audio operators, green keying masters, scene artists, sound masters, speakers, actors, costume creators, video editors, and many assistants that carry and set extensive amount of all sort of technical equipment. So video is quite a complex and time consuming product and it needs a lot of people and very detailed planning in order to bring the perfect result. Of course one man can also create video projects from start to beginning, and I will firstly practice at video creation as one man band, and then expand as the projects will get more extensive.

I wonder what is happening with my recruit since he missed our first online chat and he has not been responding to my emails ever since. I sent him my introduction videos and blogs in order for him to find out more about me, and maybe he got scared about all that stuff and has quit. Or maybe he has some other projects on his mind and does not have time to start the process yet. I will never know exactly what is going on in his life currently until he reconnects with me. Since he is very far away, in China, I am not able to contact him easily. So all that I have left is wait for him to contact me again.

Past Friday was quite exhausting day since I went to capital city Ljubljana, and had a few meetings, shopping and apartment inspection. While driving in the car I now usually do some voice recordings and make vlogs when I return home. So I produced three extensive vlogs that explain Desteni solutions like Equal Money System, why it is impossible to have no money system, and how Desteni relates to Buddhism. I have started to reply people's questions in form of vlogs since it is very practical and I do not have to constantly repeat myself and answer frequent questions all the time. Some people have reacted to my voice, since I speak very strongly, thinking that I am angry. But this is just the way of pushing myself to voice myself, since I have been all my life very quiet and did not speak much. When speaking in the company, others had difficult to hear me due to my quiet voice, but now I am pushing myself to express myself vocally and speak out as true self, as the physical, from starting point of self-honesty and what is best for all.

Yesterday on Saturday I did a lot of things and my head started to feel very heavy. My whole body became very tired at the evening, also due to a lot of physical activity since I transported a lot of things to the attic in order to make more place in my living room. I went to bed quite early, about 8 p.m., and I have now a bucket prepared in case if vertigo and nausea would hit me again in the bed. I woke up at 6 a.m. and I feel very rested and my head is clear. When falling to sleep I was wondering about myself, about who I am in relation to all the existence and how do other perceive me and my actions. All my life I have been in a position of submissive person and waiting for others to tell me what I do. I did not direct myself towards what is best for all, but just to please people around me in order to protect my life style and my personality. And yesterday I tried to see myself through the eyes of others and understand that I need to release my addiction to other people's opinion and become totally independent and take full responsibility for everything I do. For the first time I saw me as part of life and decided to change myself completely in order to become functional an supportive part of this existence.

I need now to end my writing since I have to go to Jesenice and pick my grandmother and then drive her here and then to her religious group meeting, like I do every Sunday. The weather is expecting to be clear and sunny, and I might go to mountains for several hours, because it has been a week since my last hiking. I also need to complete my mind construct for the Desteni I Process course since I have been procrastinating with it for many days.
.

2011 - Exposing nasty tricks of my ego

It is 3am and I am not able to sleep. This is a very rare case and I can not remember the last case when the thoughts did not let me to rest. I also feel a bit of muscle pain in legs and shoulders, probably due to starting to go in the mountains twice a week and picking very steep slopes and using walking sticks. I went to bed 2 hours ago, so that will be at 1am. I have been indoor for the whole day and did not go outside even for a bit, and I spent a lot of time in front of computer. I have started to clean the mess in my room, so I managed to tidy up the bags and photo equipment, sort out all the papers, pay all the bills, wash the dishes, so my living room floor, computer desk and kitchen is now in order. All that is still left to do is to iron the laundry and I am basically done.

So yesterday afternoon, after I finished the main stuff, I have continued to think about if I should also buy low-entry professional camcorder in order to have more options for shooting video and also add professional video services to my professional photography services. Now I have already invested a lot in still and studio photography, and the DSLR camera that I bought is also able to shoot Full HD video. I basically wanted to buy the DSLR with video capability due to need of shooting vlogs for my Desteni I Process. I previously recorded some vlogs on my MacBook that has integrated camera, but I was not satisfied with the low resolution and my face blown-up due to perspective distortion. And now, after I purchased the DSLR with video capability, I found out that it can shoot maximum 20 minutes of continuous video. That would be sufficient until recently, since YouTube limited the length of uploaded videos to firstly 10 minutes and then to 15 minutes.

But then my English YouTube channel got automatically upgraded to more that 15 minutes, so I am now able to shoot vlogs with basically unlimited length. This is very cool, since I was not fun of having to set the stop watch and constantly watch the time in order to finish talking before I reach the video length limit. So now I am procrastinating with shooting vlogs due to excuse that I will not feel totally comfortable and relaxed due to DSLR camera 20 minutes limitation. I want to be able to have a camera that would record at least one hour of continuous video in order for me not having to fear that the camera will stop recording before I say whatever I want to say. Thus yesterday I have been checking different video camera models that will be the best combination of quality, ergonomics, capability and price range in order to use it for my vlogs as also for professional videography. I also want to buy a more stable video camera tripod with the video head that would allow me much more smooth video panning. And I even checked the models of glidecam video camera support systems that would enable me to shoot stable video even during walking or running.

I love to shoot photos and video, but the part that I dislike the most is the post-production, especially in moving pictures. Even in still photography there is a lot of options to adjust colour, do retouch, different composition, so I could spend hours, even days enhancing one single photo. And now in the video, you have 30 picture per second. They are of course much lower resolution in comparison to still photos, and you have almost none options of cropping and rotating the video, but now you have a timeline to deal with and also sound to be careful about. So it takes extensive amount of time to edit and then also to render the video, and there are a lot of options for colour manipulation and to do special video effects. You can practically create virtual video scene just using the computer. And with the combination with the green screen keying there is even more potentials of combining video clips and express yourself in video artistry. While considering all this, I have to be careful about not get carried away and ignore the rest of my life that is more important that doing the graphic, photo and video creative work. I need to stop being so perfectionistic, but even this would be in order of I would not be in a way restless inside, full of self-judgement about what I do.

This patterns of trying to do the best, of being perfect is very troublesome phenomena. It is hard to be the judge of when the product is perfect enough and when it is time to stop and say: "It is finished". It is strange the rules of beauty, the "sacred" geometry,  the golden ratio, the Fibonacci spiral, a pre-defined and pre-programmed patterns that trap me in the mind and CON-sciousness. Where is here life, where is here the freedom of expression, the awareness of the totality of what exists here? And in spite of me being a successful freelancer and apparently model member of society, there is a lot of subtle conflicts existing deep inside of me. The invisible enemy within, the self-deceiver, the cunning back-chat that is destroying me without me consciously being aware off it. It accumulates very slowly, very silently, and then it hits me with brutal force without warning. I mean, there are warning, but they are so subtle that I miss to notice them and ignore them as unimportant. But basically it is still my responsibility and there is no place for justification. It is I who deliberately ignored all the warnings, and allowed myself for the energetic feelings of the mind to seduce me and totally blind be.

And now the consequences get manifested faster and faster, so there is no room for me to bullshit any longer, things are getting fucking serious. For example just before I went to sleep today, I was checking the mail and noticed six of email notifications that Blaž sent me while sharing the documents for translation of Equal Money System book. I opened the messages and noticed that it were just links to Google Docs files and that I dont's need them, since I am able to find the files any time by logging into my Google account. So I selected all six of messages and wanted to click on delete button. But in the moment of clicking the button - BOOM. My head shifted left in a blink of an eye for about 10 centimetres and HELLO VERTIGO! I think: "Fuck, what the hell, not again!" But luckily it did not persist and I was able to quite normally go to the bathroom and to the bed. But o my, is this a tricky phenomena. I must of had some very tiny subconscious reaction, some kind of fear or anxiety that triggered this vertigo. This is such interesting support, disabling me to allow any kind of subconscious self-judgements. I am in a way thankful for that kind of support from the physical, but it is so very hard to be clear inside, without holding to any conflicting definition.

The FEAR! I will definitely need to work more on removing the fear patterns, all the self-judgements that I have accepted and allowed and projected towards others instead of taking responsibility for their creation and self-forgiving them. I have noticed that I have become much more emotionally stable, that I have been able to communicate with others without projecting my emotional reactions in my words, talking by using common sense and what is best for all, but this has been only my personality disguise. I feel like I am able to support others to benefit from Desteni tools of self-realisation and support the equality system consciously, but there is a lot of work to do in my subconscious and unconscious level of the mind. Constant back-chat, voices in my head that make me think if what I do is right, if it is the best, if there is maybe not a better way to do it, and the feeling that there is no time, that I need to hurry, to rush, before this world goes to hell completely. A complex of saviour, of light warrior on the mission to fight the darkness and remove all the evil from existence. Without being aware that true evil is inside me, that it is deep in my mind, using all sort of tricks. Ego is the master of deception, and I need to start recognising all his tricks before it will destroy me completely.

1. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to forget to breathe effectively and thus allowing my mind to move and thought to be produced, instead of realising that absolute attention on my breath in every moment need to be held in order for me to stay here and direct myself towards what is best for all without the past of holding me in its claws.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to be afraid that I will not be able to support myself if I invest too much money in my professional equipment, that I might run out of money and not be able to get enough clients that will be able to pay for my services, instead of realising that even if I buy a very expensive camera, I will still have enough money left to pay for all my basic need for several years.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to ask too many people on the FaceBook to become my friends due to my obsession with introducing as many people as possible with Desteni solution and thus compromising my FaceBook profile to be blocked, instead of realising that I need to slow down extensively and focus on my own process, and that in time enough people will find out about Desteni to finally practically manifest heaven on earth.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to procrastinate at doing my vlogs, fearing that others will judge me if I vlog using only monitor-integrated video camera due to low resolution and perspective distortion and that they will make fun of me, instead of realising that vlogs are not to impress others with visual quality, but to support myself in total self-honesty, helping me to get aware of my mind-patterns, and thus quality of video is really not important as long as audio is good enough for others to hear me clearly what I am saying in order to support me and point out any subtle self-deceptions.
   
   
5. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to procrastinate with editing the photos that I shot for a client that is my father's friend due to my father not pushing me constantly, instead of realising that I need to take good care about my business and make the professional jobs my priority in order to be effective in this reality and not get completely broke due to believe that money is bad and that I am not worth of becoming wealthy.
   
   
6. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to rush and be afraid that I will run out of time and thus not being effective at finishing all my projects, instead of realising that the time is only the projection of the mind, that what matters is only what is here, and that I need to organise my time, breathe effectively and complete all the projects breathe by breathe, one at a time.
   
   
7. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to become overwhelmed with the potentials of expression using digital technology and loosing myself in all the options, instead of realising that I will never need all the options and be able to learn all the tricks, and that this is completely irrelevant, since I need to learn and use only the options that are required to successfully complete my projects.
   
   
8. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to use words to justify my ego, thinking that only talking will also sort my mind bullshit, instead of realising that I will be able to purify my true self only with focusing on myself and in total self-honesty and self-forgive all tiny self-deceptions, without any want to be or become something more that others due to doing the process of self-realisation.
   
   
9. I focus on myself, support myself firstly, do the process with total self-honesty and complete dedication, as one and equal with others, take care of my private and business life, and then only spending the rest of my time to share information about Desteni with others.
   

It is 5:30am, I feel like I have done enough for this moment and I will continue to face myself without mercy in my next blogs and vlogs.
.

2011 - Fear attacked me again, stronger than ever

Today fear attacked me once again. It has been about 6 weeks since the last attack that happened while I was visiting Desteni farm in South Africa. Bernard warned me that if I continue my activities without effectively doing my process, it will reappear. But I did not believe that it will happen again since I perceived the support on the farm to be effective enough to release the most of the fear energy from my body. But I was wrong. Terribly wrong. Today in the morning, while I was lying in the bed, in the moment when I started to wake up from my sleep, it hit me stronger than ever. It was immediate vertigo, making me totally helpless and not able to move even a bit. All what I could do is to stay laying down and breathe. Then the temperature of my body increased and I started to sweat extensively. I mean, I was soaking wet, like if I would jump in the water. I expected for vertigo to go away soon, as usual, but it just continued and continued. Then, after a while, nausea started to appear and I had to vomit. I started to rise while vertigo making me very unstable and I rushed to the toilet next door. I vomited, but of course only saliva, since my stomach digested all the food during the night. After I while I returned to bed and continued to lye down, waiting for vertigo to disappear. But it still persisted, and even nausea reappeared again. It was so strong and sudden that I was unable to stand up and go to bathroom, so I just opened the drawer of the bedside cabinet and puked into it. This nausea attack continued and I puked in the cabinet for more than 10 times. I don't know exactly when I firstly woke up and when the vertigo finally completely went away, but I have a feeling that it took at least 3 hours. After it passed, I rouse up, cleaned the cabinet and took a shower.

While experiencing fear attack, I felt that is was coming out of my belly region, a few centimetres bellow my belly button, and it spread throughout my whole body. Parallel to this feeling, a lot of thoughts flashed through my head. It were all the thought of fear about what others might say, how others will judge me, criticise me, and not accept me. This back-chat followed me also yesterday when I was working on computer, sharing information about Desteni, and before that, when I went to the mountains for a couple of hours. I have now decided that I will climb at least one big hill twice a week to ground myself and to loose excessive weight that accumulated due to lack of physical activity in past several months. I take my laptop and camera with me so I can blog in nature and do some auto portraits of myself blogging at interesting locations. While I walk up the hills, I pay attention to breathe effectively and not allow any thought to run through my head. If I am not able to stop them by breathing, I stop and speak out self-forgiveness and self-corrective statement. But the back-chat is very persistent, and it bothers me constantly. Especially about what people could think when I publish my photos of blogging in nature on my FaceBook profile. If I title them "Blogging in nature", will they see this only me, wanting to make myself important, will they become envious, will they judge me? Because I did not actually blog on every specific place where I took the picture. Sometimes it started to rain when I reached the top of the mountain, sometimes it was already so late that I had to return in order to escape darkness, and sometimes the place with the interesting view was too uncomfortable to blog. So I will have to include this info in the description of my photo gallery in order to be completely honest about that. Basically my starting point was just to show a bit of my surrounding while making the pictures more interesting by putting myself blogging in it and thus also inviting other to also start to write themselves to freedom.

Lately I have been very obsessed with sharing information about Desteni, creating a new FaceBook group, and doing extensive comments as many people have asked questions and needed explanation. My room is total mess, the same with my kitchen, since I procrastinate to tidy things up due to defining this as unimportant. It is time to stop this obsession and support myself first. I have allowed myself to play a role of saviour, of the one who needs to fix this world, without understanding that I have to fix myself firstly. I see a lot of this mind patterns to come from my father, who has all his life helped others, made a lot of technological improvements and innovations, and is still trying to impress others by creating products that captivate his clients. And he raised me to be the same, even better, to use latest technology and computers in order to create great graphic designs. But he did not care much about focusing on self and doing some kind of intense realisation techniques. So I have to break this spell of the past, of how I was raised, and start to support myself more effectively and not being so dependant from other's people opinions. I do not need for others to tell me what is right and what is wrong, since it is always their own opinion, based on their own accepted and allowed believes and desires, and this is not the ultimate truth at all. I am able to clearly support myself by moving breath by breath, applying simple principle of what is best for all. So no fear needs to be created of what others might think if I do what is best for all. By following this principle, I never harm anyone and thus I do not have to fear that others will also want to harm me. But of course, I will have to be careful that what I do is really what is best for all, and it is best to check with more people for their perspective in order to remove my subtle self-deceptions of believing that something I do is best for all while in fact it is not.

1. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that it is best for me to share Desteni information to others as much as possible, making sure that everyone's question is answered, any comment replied, every friendship accepted, and then only spending rest of the time for my personal stuff, instead of realising that it is not for me to be the head of Desteni Slovenia and do all the correspondence, that it is enough material out there on the internet for everyone to research for themselves if they are really interested in self-purification and making this world a better place.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear that if I do not prove myself with constant sharing of solutions for this world, others will not accept me as model member of society, instead of realising that I have a limited capacity of supporting solutions that will bring a better world, and that I will only be able to participate effectively if I firstly take good care of my personal life and then only spend the rest of my time on changing the system and supporting others.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be judged by others if they see my pictures of me blogging, fearing that they will interpret them as me bragging, instead of realising that picture is simply a picture, a bunch of pixels, and whatever observer imagines that the picture represents, it is his own created believe in his mind and it has nothing to do what the picture really is, namely just a collection of colours and shapes.
   
   
4. I will always put the priority of sorting out my personal physical reality, the next point will be doing my Desteni I Process, and only the rest of the time will I dedicate to share Desteni information. Self-support first, otherwise I will not be able to support anyone else effectively. 

.