Day 205: Dangers of the Martyr Complex

The natural process in life is expanding, pushing the envelope, increasing our awareness, abilities, and capacities. Sometimes one can push themselves too much and from the starting point of the ego which then reflects in form of pain and whatnot. And this has also been my recent experience where I allowed myself to be enveloped by the Martyr Complex. Doing best for all is a trick mission that can quickly slip into a self-victimization character. When being in a group where the vision is to remove all points of separation from existence, the task can feel daunting, human life-span short and that then translates into great urgency and time pressure. Taking self-responsibility of all of the existence requires a decision about how to make the best use of available time to manifest the change out there while maintaining a balance in personal life so that personal power is not being compromised.

I am glad to be part of a group with the vision of improving the living situation on this planet for all living beings equally. And that I am a distributor of new educational technology that has the potential of empowering its users and making them more aware and capable of responsible living here in harmony and abundance. It is a great satisfaction to be part of individuals that impact society positively. At the weekly online meeting, our leaders motivate us with mission statements, visions, and executions plans. The objective is to create urgency and make us move towards at least reaching a minimum weekly goal. Some individuals are capable of moving themselves effectively since they have transcended the resistance to a sufficient level. However many are still in the beginning stage of the process and still influenced by emotions. So it is not easy to come with a universal approach that would be effective for all group members at their different location points.

I have been conditioned in the past by living and working in the environment of my parents into being someone that requires to be moved by others using emotions. However, I have been walking not the path towards achieving self-movement for many years and made significant progress. Nevertheless, I have to be careful about the emotional pressures of others in order not to sacrifice myself too much and fall and consequently fall out of balance. I learned that one is able to help others effectively only if one has helped itself first and gained proper stability and capacity. A balance in personal life on all levels is suggested to be achieved and maintained at all times before one attempts to engage in the transformation of the global system. That includes establishing sufficient and regular money income, developing their own vocabulary, increasing processing speed, and gaining emotional stability. 

While working myself on these points I have noticed many resistances to change. In terms of sleeping duration, I learned that humans require only 4-6 hours of sleep per night. With that information, I have started to go to bed with a self-commitment to go out of bed immediately when I wake up naturally or after no more than 6 hours of sleep. I have experienced waking up after sleeping only 4 hours and recently I woke up after just one and a half hours. Yet whenever I would wake up and see how much time it only passed since I fell into sleep, my mind would immediately start creating doubt that I am rested enough. It created thought of fear that this can not be and that brain damage could develop if I allow myself to sleep so little. I do additional 15-minute naps during the day however my mind would calculate all the naps and add it to the total time of a daily sleep in order to reach the sum of 8-hour daily norm. During every nap, it created intense dreams that resulted in mental tiredness and decisions to continue with snoozing several times in a row. And I have become deeply disappointed about that.

Additionally, I also relapsed into watching short videos before I decided to take a nap. For example, after I would work with a computer for a couple of hours, I would go to my bed to take a rest. However, instead of just setting a timer on my smartphone for the alarm to wake me after 15 minutes, I got enticed with watching short movie clips. My mind has been justifying that I would relax even more if I watch some comedy gags or movie trailers that are no more than 3 minutes long. However, after I would watch the first one, I would not get enough kick out of it, and since YouTube is a master of offering clips that would interest you the most, I would continue with watching the second one, and then the third one and so one. So instead of only 15 minutes of planned rest, I would spend up to half an hour, sometimes even more, before the actual nap. And there would even be cases when I would watch some clips after the nap. It is like the mind would drive me into spending an equal amount of time that I saved by sleeping less with indulging in entertainment and thus showing me that sleeping less does not pay off. This is of course also something that I want to fix in order to decrease the wasting of time.

Now besides the pain in the neck and in the lower back, there is also a third pain that started to occur. It felt like it originated in the middle of the back and branched very narrowly across the left side of my back. It would shoot whenever I would work with the vocabulary building software that I am a distributor of in cases where I would make a mistake at typing the word from a default integrated word list wrongly. So it was a very specific pain connected to a very specific action which I found very interesting. I concluded that this was a consequence of self-judgment within anger, connected to the character of self-perfectionist. And shortly after I realized that and became aware of this point of limitations, the pain started to decrease and does not come up anymore.

I am now also in the process of listening to the supportive Eqafe audios that I listed at the end of my previous last two posts of this blog. I was able to relate to the explanation of a stiff neck to be a consequence of feeling trapped in a situation where I do not see any exit from and that I do not see any way back from where I currently am. From one perspective this actually is an existential fact since we all currently are experiencing a manifested consequence of our previous decisions and we can not go back into the past to manifest a different present reality. However, what we are able to start making better decisions at this moment that will manifest a better world in the future. And also after realizing that fact one can not go back to not realizing it. So from one point there actually is no way back and the only direction we are able to move is forward and in terms of awareness towards increasing its size.

I see the need to change how I handle mind resistances and the application of breaks. Napping seems to be the activity where I give power to the mind. So I am looking to reduce or replace them with some other activity. I learned that mental tiredness is best remediated by some kind of physical activity. So I will be experimenting with walking, running, exercising, and some other activities in order to make the most of each day.

Related educational audios from Eqafe to listen to:
Stuck
Unlocking Yourself
From Overwhelmed to Breakthrough
A Martyr for my Brother
Stuck in Absolutes
Bringing Yourself Down when Others are Down
Compromise and Commitment
Routine Sets me Free
Space, Environment, Routine, & Self Definition

Day 204: Directing myself to do what matters

There has been a major shift in my starting point, priorities, and focus. What I realized is that so far I have been doing activities where I would in the eyes of others look busy, diligent, and organized. That means that I have been doing a lot of documentary photos of all the events that I attended and other things that happened in my life. I would then spend a lot of time to download the photos from my phone, edit them in the most professional way, renamed and organized the files, and then upload them to my Facebook profile. I found great pleasure in taking pictures, making them perfect and sharing them with others so that they can also get some useful information and for them to have a reference for what I have been doing. Years ago when I worked as a professional photographer others paid me to do the shooting and editing, however in recent years I took pictures only for my personal interest. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that continuing the old habit like this is something that I am wasting my potentials by and that I am not adding much value to this world. It was mostly about presenting myself to others in order to play a certain character and to receive recognition from them. Now I have changed this point in terms of restraining myself from taking photos of every single thing that attracts my attention. And if I take some photos for the sake of documenting some event for the possibility of having to prove to others that it happened, I simply download the photos to my computer and keep them in a raw unedited form.

The next point that I looked at was the time I spend on social media, attending hangouts, participating in some groups, and watching movies. I noticed how quickly I get drawn to watching something, especially in form of moving pictures which creates a certain feeling of satisfaction by discovering something new. And how participation in social groups makes me feel noticed, accepted, valued, and part of something that will make a difference in this world. Yet the amount of digital content and online groups is increasing every second so I had to prioritize my involvement in order to make the best use of my limited time. I decided to increase the focus on my business of distributing new learning technology and using it also myself on a daily basis to increase my capacity for processing information and increasing the quality and quantity of my vocabulary. So I defined my mission to perfect myself by developing the skills of communication and influencing others and also showing others how they can do the same in order for as many people in this word to become highly capable and responsible in order to bring forth a world that is best for all life.

In recent weeks after using the said learning technology regularly for at least 2 hours per day, I noticed a substantial increase in my focus, clarity, determination, will, and bravery. What also started to happen is that I would wake up naturally after sleeping only around 4 hours. Initially, my mind would immediately produce a thought convincing me that humans need around 8 hours of sleep so I made myself continue sleeping for the additional 4 hours. However, I learned before that the human physical body requires only around 4 hours to rest, and the additional time of sleeping only results in the mind regenerating itself and thus gaining more power to distract and suppress us. And I also learned how the words leaders and the most successful people sleep very little, some even just 2 hours and then doing short naps during the day. So I decided also to get out of the bed immediately after I would wake up naturally, no matter what duration of my sleep has been. I have been experimenting with different ways of taking charge of my physical body and to actually get out of bed and fully wake up. It has been challenging to get out of such an appealing comfort zone like a warm cozy bed and I was not always fully successful. However, I am pushing myself to cut down the time of my sleep to as little as possible in order to have more time in a day to be productive.

What I also noticed is how often I check the time and to what extent I allow it to influence me. When doing business and collaborating with others time certainly is a factor that needs to be considered. We do measure time in days which are then sliced into hours and minutes. Thus some consider time as their most valuable asset since each of our lives only so many years and we can achieve in one lifetime only so much. Many successful people use the time management system where every single activity is being scheduled in slots as small as a couple of minutes. While I was doing creative work time was not so much of an issue since the deadlines were quite long and the main objective was to come with a unique creative solution that was not so much valued in the time spend to produce it but in effect that it produced. And this is why I had resistance to organize my life based on time. Even with sleeping, I noticed how by just looking at a clock I am already giving my mind the information in order to calculate the duration of my sleep and based on then create a feeling of being rested enough or needing some more sleep instead of me communicating with my physical body and directly seeing it had rested sufficiently. So in the morning I now refrain from checking the time immediately. And when I create my first daily log entry I am careful about my mind not to create any comparison and estimation if I have slept enough or not.

An additional point was developing a habit and support system of following up with people and directing them in the long-term in order to achieve a specific objective. Previously I defined myself as an introvert, I did creative jobs where I needed a quiet and peaceful environment in order to concentrate on designing and programming with computers uninterrupted for hours. And now my mission is to influence and change others which means frequent and persistent communication with many individuals which is the exact opposite of what I have been used to do. This again pushes me intensely out of my comfort zone and creates a lot of resistance. It makes me have to decide about many more things that are far less predictable since every mind of other humans is a world of its own. I have to evaluate every individual on many levels and then decide when in by which means, using what word and exposing them to which information would result in directing them towards increasing their awareness, self-responsibility, and capacity. Each person is with a unique history of experience that shapes them and on at different location points. And it takes many years for everyone to grow and expand into an exemplary human being. So I am developing and applying a system of making a lot of notes in regards to every individual that I communicate with and then to follow-up with them on a regular basis.

Now what I have to be careful about all of this is to maintain a balance of self-care and care for others in order not to lose my personal power. The manifestation of pain at points in my spine is a reminder that I have gone too far from the track. Recently some pain has manifested in my lower back. And even a more prominent pain manifested in my neck. The contributing factors for this can be the increased time spent calling people on the phone in a standing position where the weight of my hands creates much more pull comparing to my usual way of working in a sitting or partially lying position. However, I am familiar also with the back neck point structural resonance. It explains how the pain in that area is connected to the ability to change things and stand up for yourself. And I am able to track back the start of pain developing in that area especially when some older lady that just became my Facebook friend called me via Messenger video and started to engage in an extensive and long conversation without consideration of my time and what I was doing. I find a direct unannounced video call not very considerate and intrusive and it was a new experience that I had to respond to.

While my objective is to increase communication with other people I am making sure to be as considerate as possible. So when I call somebody on the phone, I immediately ask them how they are, where they are, and what they are doing. This gives them the opportunity to explain if it is a good time to speak and enables me to decide if I should continue the conversation and for how long. Other people usually do not call me with exception of my father who calls me on the phone a few times per month. And usually, he wants me to immediately or very soon to do some design work for him end eventually pays me for that. However, when others call me I can not tell so sure what they want from me, for how long they want to speak to me, and what would be the result of communication. I see how I prefer for any call to be scheduled with me in advance by firstly contacting me via social media or text messaging which is less intrusive and does not disturb my own schedule. While previously I had my phone turned on all the time, I am now also turning it off completely when I need to focus on something like writing this blog post.

Here are some related suggested educational Eqafe audios for listening:
Stiff Neck
Stiff Neck Practical Support
Pain and Process
The History and Purpose of Sleep
Do Beings on the Other Side Sleep
Mental Tiredness vs. Physical Tiredness
Mind Asleep, Mind Awake
Why do I Wake Up in a Mood?
Do You Only Rest When You Sleep?
Mind Feeding Routines Feeding Mind

Day 136: Tolerating my mind

Recently I listened one of the latest interview from awesome Eqafe online information resource titled Tolerating Your Mind that is part of The Crucification of Jesus series. Then I also received a demand that I need to produce at least 4 blogs or vlogs in English language in order to qualify for Desteni I Process course sponsorship. I managed to produce about 4 vlogs per month in the previous months but they were all in Slovenian language that they are not able to cross reference. This created a backchat like: “How will I able to manage to produce also 4 blogs and vlogs in English language besides content that I produce in Slovenian language?” and “If I will manage to produce only 4 blogs and vlogs in English language, would it not be a great loss to people who understand only Slovenian language since I am one of the rare individuals in Slovenia who produces Desteni related content in native language?”. And my existing backchats are: “How much of public content should I produce in addition to all the private writing within the DIP course assignment that I need to do?“ and ”Where will I get time to walk additional process for the points that are not part of my current DIP course assignments and are too sensitive to share them in the public?”.

Within the Tolerating Your Mind interview it was exposed how many that walk Desteni process do not do sufficient blogging and vlogging. And since some of us, including me, are walking the process already for many years, it is expected from us to be an example and walk the process even more effectively than those who are newcomers. So even if we do equal amount of the process that the newcomers, we are actually doing less than others. And I agree that we should be involved more in practically walking the points and sharing precious information and tools to others with greater results. I was reminded before about my point of only hoarding the information for myself but not giving forward to others enough. And this brings me to the question of why is that? Is it only the lack of time or are there some personal points that makes me feel uncomfortable when being in the limelight? From the process that I have done in the past, I can say that it surely is more the latter and that it is thus important to walk the points of self-judgement and fear that are part of my assignment within the Agreements - Redefining Relationships that I am currently walking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to tolerate my mind as it is something benevolent that only occasionally creates emotional reactions. I realise that there are many deep mind layers that prevent me from activating many potentials that are within me. I commit myself to when and as my mind produces backchats like: “You do not need to blog and vlog anymore since you have already achieved the quantum phase of the process!” to understand the fact that I have not walked fully even the conscious layer of the mind. Thus when such thoughts emerge, I stop and breathe and commit myself to do much more writing in order to speed up my personal process of transforming mind patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to stay in my comfort zone of my apartment where little to no patterns of mine are challenged and thus creating an illusion that if I almost never emotionally react that my process is close to being done. I realise that when I go out and meet new people, especially a big crowd, a get a lot of backchats and emotional reactions that make me uncomfortable in the public or when dealing with a specific individuals. I commit myself to when and as my mind create a backchat like: “It is enough to focus only or the law and money projects that will improve this world since you have achieved sufficient level of emotional stability!” to stop such thought by focusing on my breathing. I commit myself to continue with walking of my personal transformation process in order to consequently become also more effective with other projects that I am involved in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to manage my personal and group projects almost only by using my mind, believing that I will manage to analyse, organise all execute all tasks simply by thinking, and discarding tools of speaking and writing. I realise that practical results show the contrary of what I think as I ofter am in state of overwhelmingness and using entertainment like watching movies, eating, sleeping and masturbation to relax myself and escape from such overthinking. I commit myself to when and as my mind would produce backchat like: “Why bother to waste time by writing since mind is much faster and you could solve more points in equal time only by thinking!” to disregard such claim as false and focus on my breath. I commit to reserve time where I would write my backchat in order to slowly and meticulously analyse it and come to realistic practical solutions of how I will visibly move forward. I also commit to do better planning, especially with use of tools as GTD - Getting Things Done methodology explains.

2012 Aligning myself to be more successful in handling money

In the past few days I have been reviewing my current financial situation and it is not looking very well. It looks like I will be not able to pay my monthly rent on time and yesterday I had a conversation with my landlord in order to find out how she is dependent on my rent money. She gave me the opportunity to delay the payment for a couple of months if necessary. This situation is a bit embarrassing for me since I am used to keep all my promises and never owe anything to anyone. It is one of my perfectionistic behavior patterns that I execute in my daily life that I created due to my very demanding father.

I listened today a weekly audio from Global Information Network where Kevin Trudeau was emphasized how keeping a strong focus is a key for success. He made several examples about how some people do not keep focus long enough consistently in order to produce desired results but grab any new opportunity that comes along, thinking that it is best to be involved in several business opportunities at once. But since every business takes time and money investment for several months or years before the money starts coming back, it is not possible for any business to succeed without a proper focus.

While listening to this audio I asked myself if my current situation is also a result of not enough focus? And yes, I am able to see how in past years I have been jumping from one business and opportunity to another. However some businesses also fall apart due to rigidity and inability to adjust to new market situation. So the question is now were my decisions the result of inability to keep focus or was I simply adjusting myself to the new experiences. I could say that every decision I made was the result of my understanding, past experience, accumulated knowledge and perspective at that time. And each individual is constantly evolving and expanding itself do to many new daily experiences.

I definitely accumulated a lot professional knowledge that made me successful in my line of business but I am lacking of some business skills that make me not very successful in regards to handling money. I must have copied this behavior pattern from my father who also did not keep any detailed records about his money flow, as far as I know. It was my mother who handled the financials of our family business and she often complained to me, how my father was careless about money and how she prevented him for several times in order not to loose a lot o money by his decisions. Since my mother died several years ago, his behavior patterns resulted in me landing him my money and now he is not able to return it by the date as he promised. So this also contributed in me currently not having enough money for my expenses.

Knowing how to handle money is a very important skill in everyone's life, but we are not taught that in schools, except if you studied any business or accounting school. It do not find very fun tracking all my expenses and I have been in the past able to earn enough money without tracking every cent I spent or earned. I was under influence of believe that money will keep coming automatically by simply doing what I like and do best and my business will always generate enough income for all my expenses. It seems that this kind of approach does not work very well for me anymore and I will have to change it. So I will be keeping now detailed track of all my business and personal financials in order to avoid getting in debt again.

I was tempted by believe that money is not important and that we need to get rid of money since money is evil and couse of all problems in the world. Some people who allowed and accepted this believe soon lost all their money and now they are struggling to survive. Until we implement an Equal Money System that will guarantee a dignified life for all living beings on this planet, one still needs to be functional in current money system and take care for itself properly. I am definitely also tired od having to compete with others to sell some products and services to others in order to earn money. I do not want to be constantly careful if activities that I do are lucrative enough. I want to enjoy life, to live in environment that takes care for my basic needs so I can express myself fully. But this is not possible currently and we will have to change the current system in order to remove the fear of survival.
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2012 - Valentin moving forward

I have noticed, how I slowed down in my process of self-realization in the past several months. Some of the reasons was the relationship where my partner was not willing to walk in the process with me equally, and some of the reasons were my occupation with the school and development of Equality Store. I recently dropped the school and ended the unproductive relationship, so I am now pushing myself again towards more effective process.

The major points that made me procrastinate is the question of setting the priorities. We all have limited time and time management is important in achieving desired results. I learned that something like time management is basically not possible since outflow of actual events is the product of many people and variables, so time-framing is not very effective way of executing points. More effective approach is priority management. In stead of slicing available time and assigning certain projects to certain time-frames, it is much better only to define daily priority points and make the time-frames more loose or practically non-existent.

Then in regards to setting priorities, there are priorities in regards to personal life, professional life and global development. There are some personal desires that I want to fulfill, like being in supportive relationship/agreement, there are goals to earn enough money in my line of business and there are priorities in regards to changing this world system so that it will guarantee a dignified life for all humans, animals and plants.

So far I have not been applying time or priority management very extensively. Sure I have been using computer calendar to write down my appointments and meetings, but most of my life happen very spontaneously. I allowed my thoughts and emotions to direct me, to produce new ideas that would drive me in different directions throughout the day. This was in a way exciting, but not very effective in terms of reaching desired goals. Until I had enough money, I lived very relaxed and worked in a very unpredictable ways.

Now, when I see that my money reserves are running out, the fear of survival has started to direct me towards more effective way of life. I learned some managements techniques that I plan to apply in my life and I am continuing with learning even more. What I found out is that writing is indispensable tool for personal and also business effectiveness. The thought that occupied my mind in regards to this point is how much to write and what kind of writing to use? Writing with computer can be faster and one can share the content on the web very easy, but handwriting, especially using white paper and a pen with blue ink is suppose to be the most effective way.

Writing can be done to communicate certain information with others in a business way, but here we use writing as a tool to communicate with self and come to self-realisation. Self-talk is what is also recommended for professional use, one can do it silently, but speaking out loud is even more effective. But since this self-talk does not bring any money, I am thinking about how much time to dedicate to self-talk and self-realisation and how much to more money-making activities. Balancing those two points is crucial for overall success in everyone's life. And decision when to use handwriting and when computer typing is a big question that I will have to deal with constantly.

I prefer typing on my notebook computer since I can do it everywhere and then share the content on my blog and forum. The downsides of working with computer is that requires to be handled in a very careful way, enough power has to be provided, and it is proven that what one types on the computer does not stay in ones memory very long. In order to remember things better, handwriting is the best way to write. A paper notebook does not need any power, it can be much smaller and handy, but handwriting is much more slower. The desire to do things faster is why I procrastinated using paper and pen so far. But I plan to change my habits in order to do things in my life in the most effective way.

It is strange, how I perceived that I would write about other points when I would start to write about the reasons for procrastinating, and now those points seems irrelevant. Like the physical pain of my body due to force of gravity while writing for long time in the same position. Now I see that I am easily able to the position of my body and prevent any pain. And due to past business experiences I developed enough self-trust not to be afraid of not being able to earn enough money. I have been always able to see many potentials so all that was necessary was to move my ass and walk long enough until the effects became a reality.

1. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thing that all the points that accumulated in my life are too overwhelming to face and that is best to get involved in money-making actions, instead of realizing that the mind is that makes life overwhelming and that stopping the mind is a priority point in regards to becoming able to live here practically an effectively in every moment.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about things, believing that thinking is what will make points clear and that it will bring me to best solution, instead of realizing that thoughts in my mind are there only to distract me from what is here and that thinking always leads only to more thinking and time-looping.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait for myself, believing that other things are more important to do, instead of realizing that my process is the most important thing in my life and that other things will be resolved more effectively if I put the process of self-realisation as the main priority.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not wanting to write due to constant hurry of moving myself somewhere forward, instead of realizing that life can be lived only in this moment, without any expectations and desires about the future.
   
   
5. The next time I see my mind move, I stop, breathe and start writing until the point is cleared.

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