Day 179: Becoming visible again

I recently watched a movie that resonated with me on a very deep level. The title of the movie was Above the shadows and was released in 2019 (spoiler alert). The main character was a girl who had two siblings and after her mother died, she slowly became invisible. Firstly for her father, sister, and brother and then also for the rest of the people in this world. After several years of living alone, she met a fighter who was able to see her. And that was the start of her process of becoming visible again. The most surprising was her final realization that it was not others who decided to ignore her. It was she who started to push people out of her life due to her own attachment to her mother and related self-definition.

I can very relate to this invisible girls since I also for most of my life felt like not fitting in and wanted to be invisible and left alone. And I equally blamed the world for not accepting me however I am with time becoming more and more aware of how my own responses to events in my life contributed to me feeling this way. What I also wonder is to what level my early childhood experiences played a role in shaping my personality. And to what extent it was I as the core being with all my existential history and experiences in my previous life that made certain decisions for which I am directly responsible for.

We also had an online chat recently with our Desteni self-support group about at what age we are to take full responsibility for our actions. Because when we are born into this world our survival is completely dependant on our parents and caretakers and slowly with each year our physical body grows, we constantly learn and become more conscious. Until we become of age (which is 18 years in Slovenia), our parents take legal responsibility for the consequences of our actions. However from that year afterward we are the ones who are full responsibility for our actions, at least legally.

However, in reality, that transition is very graduate and legal consequences are far from being the only ones when we make a decision. Yet for most of the time, we are not taught about the consequences considering all life. What parents do is basically just instilling fear into us to not engage in activities where they would be legally punished for our doings, at least until we become of age. We are usually not taught to consider all beings as equals and to take long-term outflow of our decisions into consideration. We are encouraged only to fit into the global system created by humans, to obey laws, earn money and pay taxes.

And after we become of age the influence of our parents does not immediately stop. Even if we move away, they can call us, send us letters, visit us, tell others to influence us and so on. And especially parents persist living within us for many years in the form of all the extensive programming that they inserted into us since we came to this world. For example, since my father sees me as an extension of himself, I must be careful not to do something that will result in him being ashamed of me. His criticism towards me is being manifested as self-criticism and my criticism towards others. Such ties are very strong and it takes years of consistent effort to cut them off.

Like the main character in the movie, I was also very much attached to my mother. She was the one who listened, comfort and understood me. My father was the one who managed our family business, however, when I suffered from work exhaustion he was not able to understand me and I felt like invisible to him. He did provide for me in terms of material things however emotionally he was very distant. So I started to drift away from this world by escaping into the alternate virtual realities.

It started with watching television more. The next step was discovering porn and masturbation. Then when the father purchased the Commodore 64 computer it was the games that I indulged in. When I was in middle school, I was drawn to DOS desktop computers to extend of staying in the class hours after the curriculum ended. And when I started to use Windows computer as the main production tool for pre-press and sign making, I was pulled into the world of virtual reality to the utmost extent. So much that the physical reality started to feel just like a dream. At that time things got so serious that I asked for professional psychologic help.

When I started my own business and moved to my own apartment, I was able to start putting my life back in order. Physical separation from my parents enabled me to organize my life in a more relaxed way and to focus on personal growth. Until then I felt like I was living in a box and terribly lacked social skills. I had almost no other relationship besides between me and my father. He was like a god who conditioned me that as long I will listen to him and obey his instructions, I will get whatever I desire. However, that god was not using me for the benefit of all life but mostly for his self-gratification and appraisal. So it was also not in his interest to teach me how to become independent and how to survive in the world system. All his trick that he used to get the money, he secretively kept only for himself and was careful not to share them with me. Thus I had to learn it all by myself with trial and error and from other sources.

In the movie, the main character has also made the best use of her invisibility to become a photographer who documented cheating and similar events that individuals wanted to hide. She sold those photos to a newspaper and this is how she was able to earn the money. And I also transitioned my initial creative business from graphic and web design to photography. I found myself in the position of wanting to take good photos by being at the optimum position in the key moment and not to disturb anyone. So in a way, I also desired to be invisible and for others not even to know that I took their pictures. I just wanted to observe and document the reality. However, in many cases, others did not like to be photographed for different reasons.

At that time I also did not like others to take photos or videos of me. I did not want to even consider that someone is observing me. The main reason for that is that I have been bullied in middle school and no one ever gave me any compliment about the way I look. While I lived with my parents the only thing that was important was how good I was able to impress my father with executing practical tasks and how proud I would make him when he would show the results of my work to others. My outer appearance was never important, not even how I dressed. Fashion was the last thing that I could think about and it would make no difference if I would be completely invisible.

My father also did not care if I had a girlfriend or not and I do not remember him ever encouraging me to create a family of my own. He basically wanted me just for himself and anyone that I would be in relationship with would be his competitor for my attention. So while I desired to be in a relationship at least to experience sex, seeing myself in the role of a parent with own children was something that I am having a hard time to imagine. A man is expected to take initiative, to be the main provider for the family, to be bold and to have a firm stance. However, I have been conditioned not to have an opinion of my own but to only be in a state of constant readiness and to immediately execute orders of other people as soon as I receive them.

In the past years, I have been in several relationships with girls however none of them was a good match for me. I tried to direct relationships the best way I could, however, I struggled with handling their personalities and felt to be limited and diminished by them. So far I did not make much of an effort to seek and carefully select a suitable partner for myself. I met all past girlfriends by random events and for the most part, I have just let others direct the development of the relationships. I was happy with what I got and was not very ambitious or picky. I endured all unpleasant things until they became too much and then I ended the relationship. After every breakup, I felt so disappointed that for the next 5 years I completely lost any desire to be in a relationship.

Now, at the age of 46, while being single for 6 years already, I am again asking myself if I should get into a new relationship or remain single. I am also at the turning point where I have restarted to offer my own services. This is because in the last years I have worked on projects that looked promising, were in the best interest of all life, however, money-wise they have all let me down. I feel like now is just not a good time to engage in any relationship since I want to take my business and financial issues back in order. I want to fully focus only on developing my own business and do not want any distractions. I imagine that when my income would be stable and high enough, that would give me sufficient confidence. Because as extensively described in The Soul of Money series, money is the main and most deep driving force that influences every of our subconscious decision.

And even if I manage to get my business running, I wonder if I would be able to feel comfortable in an intimate relationship with someone else. Currently, I prefer to keep my life simple and as uncomplicated as possible, also in terms of the number of physical things that I possess and maintain. I want to operate within my capacity and to keep high situational awareness so that I can also take full responsibility for my decisions. My plan is to increase the quality of my services, to deepen my professionalism and to assist others in the best way possible. This is my correctional life mission in order to break free form the self-centered personality, inherited from my father and to remediate the karmic consequences of my ancestry.

So I am committed to ground myself as much as possible and to transform all my energetic addictions, also with the assistance of awesome Desteni I Process courses. While I have so far enjoyed watching one feature film per evening on top of watching several short movies and videos the same day, I reduced this to watching only one feature film per week. I stopped again watching porn during masturbation end even not using any imagination in order to practice it only as of the physical self-expression. And I even massively reduced the frequency of masturbation to not more than once per week. The recent business decision to not offer also graphic design and photography services anymore and to focus only on counseling services will also enable me to reduce the time using the computer virtual reality even more.

And in terms of movies in general, yes it is possible to learn from the stories within the films. However many are fiction and those events never happened. In the movies everything is possible, like in the imagination of our minds that is disconnected from the laws of physical word. I learned that in high-class societies they do not mess kids with reading fairytales to them. They read stories that actually happen with people who really existed. I have had doubts that if I work as a professional counselor, I will not be able to bear listening to all the problems of the people. But then I compared how much stress and drama I experience from watching war action or horror movie and concluded that I will probably be able to handle it. So what I will be doing is just swapping the fake virtual drama with real-life drama that will also enable me to see what people in this world are actually experiencing and to develop compassion more.

Basically, I am taking more charge and directive principle in my life to free myself from any kind of energetic distractions so that I can integrate into my physical body more and to be able to communicate with others confidently. And to transform myself even more, to be a better teacher by my own example about how to live and apply the principle of oneness and equality in all areas of life. I am decided to step out of the shadow of my father and to become fully visible again to everyone and everything. To exist with the full awareness that we all are part of this life and that it is impossible to hide and run away from it. Thus best for me and for others to fully embrace this fact so that we can start living together in harmony and abundance as soon as possible.

Day 171: Biting off more than I can chew

Recent experience in trying to build a team of people that would work for me made me wonder about my actual current capacity to lead such a professional collective. My objective is to constantly expand and improve myself so I have been pushing myself out of my comfort zone. The question here is how far out of comfort zone is too far or when the bite has been bigger than I can chew. I definitely want to improve myself and contribute to this world in the as beneficial way for all as possible. Also, I understand that it is possible to create more if working as a group. Due to this principle, I decided not to work alone on projects anymore but to build a collective within the organization that I would direct in order to produce a synergetic and multiplicable effect of my efforts. In the past years, I went through many experiences, courses, and training in order to develop my leadership skills. I read a lot of books on communication, presentation and project management. I overcame a lot of fear and insecurities, however, the level of transformation has not been yet to the extent that I wanted to.

When observing great leaders I have been admiring their ability of calm and effective response to any provocation, how self-confident they are, fearless and relentless in regards to their agendas. And those are the qualities that I also want to have. In my mind, I can imagine myself being in such positions and play out all possible scenarios. However, when facing other people in this world my emotional responses are still not such as I would like them to be. My mind is full of all sort of information and thoughts since I have been within the past 20 years researching how the global system and human mind works. While I can have good intentions and follow the principles of what is best for all there are all sorts of dangers in this world that can quickly limit the freedom of actions.

One sort of dangers originate from the human mind and are manifested in the form of thinking and behavior patterns. Thus regardless of what one says or does, the responses from other people can vary extensively and can result in a verbal or physical attack by others. And another sort of danger is in form of global legal and monetary system which is actually externalization of our minds. Combining those two systems can result in others misinterpreting your words and actions in their minds and using the legal system to take away your possessions and freedom. So in order to protect against those dangers, one must learn how to master own mind, how to direct the minds of others, to understand the legislation and know how to protect yourself against legal attacks.

Thus being effective in this world can not just be done by desire and wishful thinking. It takes a lot of study and self-introspection. Then regardless of how strongly one makes effort to learn and change, each one of us has a very different predisposition and environment that contribute to a different level of success. What I also learned within recent online group chats at our Destonians social network is that natures of our core beings are very different. There are those who prefer solitude, are more the observers and connect internally and there are those who strive for the connection with others externally. I realized that my nature is more of a being that is very comfortable working alone, doing independent research and am never bored or lonely.

Until recently I thought that I will be able to impact this world in a very limited way if I would work on projects mostly alone. Thus I tried to build a local team to multiply my effectiveness. However, I noticed that deep inside me I feel very uncomfortable about having to constantly take care of many people and provide the necessary funds for their salaries and all the projects. There are yet many fears that I need to face, skills to develop and information to integrate before I would be able to be in such a function. But even with my current capacity and skills, I do not need to compare myself with others but to just do my best with what I am and what I have. One single person can influence many others by writing a book or producing a video for example. So even the biggest introverts can contribute to making this world a better place for all to great extent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the savior complex and wanting to change this world by controlling every single aspect of all decisions that humans make. I realize that the nature of this physical reality is division and separation where expansion of awareness of each human being is achieved through a long-term process through physical communication and manifested consequences. Thus I commit myself to when and as I think about how to change this world and my mind is producing thoughts like: “You must create an effective educational system that would produce a new generation of completely purified human begins or you will completely waste your life!” to stop and breathe. I then within the understanding that each of us is already directed by life towards equality and oneness internally rather focus on my own personal improvement and teaching by example and other means that I am able to use productively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush and move into a direction before I have taken necessary time to build strong fundation. I realize that a stable foundation is the most important part of any structure that guarantees for the project to stand the test of time. Thus I commit to when and as I want to create something and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Just start building since if proven that foundations are not strong enough you will be able to strengthen them later!” to stop and breathe. I then within the realization that weak foundations create a lot of damage to the structure and even result in the structure falling apart completely rather slow down and make sure for the foundations to be strong enough before I proceed to build the walls.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as advanced intellectual and spiritual person that must not do basic jobs that I am overqualified for. Within that, I have been also looking degradingly towards people who had lower qualifications than me and defining them as not very useful to society. I realize that there is all sort of physical labor that needs to be done in order for our society to prosper and also for me to enjoy my current lifestyle. Thus I commit myself to when and as I decide what to do and my mind is producing thoughts like: “You must do only the jobs where all your skills and knowledge can be used to full potentials and also be paid very good for that!” to stop and breathe. I then rather decide to also take jobs that needed to be done for the benefit of all the society despite not requiring all the skills and knowledge that I have acquired so far.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not wanting to seek employment at any other organization due to believing that I will be paid much less than I deserve. And also that I will earn only a bit more than I am receiving currently as unemployed in form of social support money. I realize that despite my attempts to develop projects on my own, I am not willing to deal anymore with all the necessary decisions about setting the prices, doing financial activities, studying complex legislation and all sort of other stuff that are necessary for running a business. Thus I commit myself to when and as I consider what to do and my mind is producing thoughts like: “You are quite in some debt so the best way to solve your financial situation is to develop your own organization where the options for generating income are much greater than being employed elsewhere!” to stop and breathe. I then rather apply also for other jobs in order to provide for my basic stable income and after that generate additional income through activities in my spare time. 

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within the DIP Lite free online course and to listen to the following related educational audios from Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence:

Workplace Dynamics
Developing Communication and Expanding Relationships
Leadership
Self Leadership
Leadership and Energy
How to Unburden Yourself from Responsibility
Taking Your Emotions out of Your Business
Overcoming the Burdens of Leadership
What is Leadership to You?
What is Blocking the Leader Within You?
The Birth of a Leader Begins with Self
Leadership: Control Versus Guiding
Leadership: Being Able to Work With Everyone

Day 169: A true origin of my sadness exposed

It has been around 20 years since I started the journey of self-discovery and over 8 years since I have been walking the process of self-perfection by writing blogs and recording vlogs. However, during this process, I have not felt the increase in my awareness in relation to what I have accepted and allowed to become. Meaning during the process I did look at the past events where I have abdicated my self-responsibility and committed to correct myself. However, I have until recently not felt such shame as I am feeling now. Also in past decades, I felt some sort of undefined sadness that has been noticeable from my facial expression in form of dark baggy eyes. Until recently I assumed that the sadness was about all the traumatic events that I have experienced in my past. However, I see now that what I am actually sad about is what I have allowed and accepted in my life. As far I can remember, I have defined myself as a good person that does not want to harm anybody and that all that happened to me had nothing to do with who I am. I claimed that I am an innocent victim and punished by life for no reason. Boy oh boy was I wrong!

I see my childhood as quite pleasant, with memories of just a couple of unpleasant events. Now the problem with the memories is how we tend to remember mostly bad things and disregard all the good stuff. And it was exactly the same with me. All the abundance, safety, and love that my parent provided I just took for granted. That is what made me turn into a spoiled brat. I understand that my over-protective environment played a role in that but boy it took a long time for me to understand how much spoiled I have become. I and my brother lived for many years in a safe family bubble where were provided by our father with the latest gadgetry. Computers and television then contributed for me to sink into an even more deceptive bubble of virtual reality where I have played god and attacked other from. All the images, especially porn, created layers of energetic addictions. Thus whenever I faced challenges, instead of facing and understanding them, I took refuge in the alternative worlds of emotional and orgasmic experiences. That took me in such separation of life that I am just slowly becoming aware of the real depth of my demise.

Now that I am experiencing some kind of quantum leap in my awareness, I am having a great challenge in deciding what to do. I do not want to be the self-centered spoiled kid anymore, however, I see that such tendencies are still a part of me and it will still take time for me to transform my behavior patterns and energetic addictions. I feel like a heavy train that has been driving towards the cliff with full speed. I have become aware of the cliff and have hit the brakes, however, it will take the train some time to stop completely due to inertia.

I see for example how a photography at first glance is an innocent art that started to become my passion already at my young age. However, one perspective using photography is to manifest points of separation. When looking through the viewfinder, a photographer positions himself on 'the other side of the lens' where all that matters is a framed composition of visual elements in a moment. A photographer does not need to care about what events lead to the current state of reality and what will be the outflow of events in the future. The trapped moment of time is then observed over and over again in form of a photo and in many cases, a deep emotional bond is created to that picture. A photo is an attempt to stop the time and create an experience of eternity. Generally when taking a photo one does not ask or needs to ask for a permission to take a snapshot. So it is also much like stealing something from someone. And also within such stealing, one is being very careful to compose all the shapes and colors with the starting point to entice as strong emotional reaction from the observers of the photo as possible. Sure photography can also function as evidence of past events however generally it functions as an attempt to control something or to gain something.

A camera has played a role of the protective shield also in my life for many years. I have been hiding behind the lens and also behind a TV and computer screen for too long. For so long that I have lost the interest in doing much of the physical work. Because using computer things move much faster and the physical reality takes much more time to manifest. This is why I have also become impatient and restless, constantly needing some pictures, sounds, and information to fill my mind and keep me entertained. For physical labor, I defined myself as someone who is overqualified and would waste my potentials if I engage in some kind of job that does not require a lot of intellectual skills. Consequently, I am keeping myself trapped in computer-related jobs that create a strain on my physical body due to long periods of keeping myself in a sitting position. Sadly it is also the money that influences my business decisions since most of the highest paid jobs are now also related to using computers. On the other hand, the information age is also connecting us again, thought externally, but is enabling us a reflection of what is going on in our minds and serves as a beneficial projection of our internal reality. So the key is to make the best of all this mess and to figure out how to create a future where we would not be enslaved and separate anymore by our own creation.

What I am also dealing with here is a chicken and egg situation. I am quite satisfied with being single and do not have a need to be in a relationship with someone to be happy. So I am asking myself if this is something that is the true nature of my being or a consequence of my upbringing. I see how much I am like my father and have wondered how much of what I am are personalities that I have copied from him as a child. Or it could be just that my father and I have similar nature of our beingnesses that both like to work alone and would not change much regardless of the environment. Well, all that I can do is to continue my process of identifying the points of separation within me and to move towards creating the future based on the principle of what is best for all. It is up to me to challenge and expand myself but to be at the same time careful not to overwhelm myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my life to be directed mostly by the energies of good emotions and bad feelings instead of directing myself as life as one and equal. I commit myself to stop all the energy addictions and to direct myself based on the principle of what is best for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see other being only as their picture manifestation. And then also comparing them to ideals of perfection and judging any visual imperfection instead of treating them as one and equal as who I am as life. I realize that everything that I am able to observe with my human physical eyes is much more than I am able to see and understand that we are all an equal part of this existence. Thus I commit myself to when and as I am looking at someone and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look at this and that imperfection on their face and their body and how they dress!” to stop and breathe. I then place myself into the body of the person that I observe and understand how my life would be if I would be in their body and to have their life experience. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to observe women mostly from the perspective of how a sexual experience with them would be. I realize that I have been conditioned by years of watching porn where I have started to associate the appearance of a woman with experience of orgasm. Thus I commit myself to when and as I want to experience a physical orgasm and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look at some woman or a picture of a woman or imagine a woman during masturbation since you will experience the energy of orgasm quicker!” to stop and breathe. I commit myself to practice masturbation only as an act of my physical body self-expression within the realization that I do not need to imagine anything let alone having to include any other body to experience an orgasm. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I interact with others for my actions to have the starting point of wanting to impress others in order for them to admire me and then to feel good about myself. I realize how self-centered my interactions with others have been since I mostly wanted to impress others using advance knowledge and information and also other skills that I have gathered. Thus I commit myself to when and as I interact with other and my mind is producing thought like: “Just think what great information will you tell them in order to impress them and prove that you know more than they do!” to stop and breathe. I then communicate with others from the starting point of equality, share the information that is relevant to them or ask them questions in order to find out how they feel and if there is anything that I can assist them with. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a perfectionist and to become angry about myself every single time when I notice some imperfection about myself. I realize that tendency towards the perfection is a projection of not accepting myself as who I am as my physical body, mind and the being that all have its limitations and do change over time. Thus I commit myself to when and as I see something about myself and my mind is producing thoughts like: “You should have done or looked like this instead of that!” to stop and breathe. I then within the realization that everything is changing and that nothing will ever fit the complete criteria of someone's imagination do my best to strive towards my goals but also fully accept how I am and how I perform at this very moment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself and compete with others where I wanted to prove that I know much more than others and can do things better than others for the sake of feeling good. I realize that self-perfection is supportive however we all have different preconditions, different environments, different bodies, different minds, different beings and can not perfect self by comparing ourselves to others. Thus I commit myself to when and as I observe others and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look at this guy or girl and what they have achieved!” to stop and breathe. I then consider only my original and current state of everything that I currently am an have achieved and continue to perfect self in relation only to my own life path. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I observe others how they struggle and experience discomfort and pain to feel good about myself. I realize that any energetic movement within myself when observing others how they suffer is a manifestation of pure evil and separation. Thus I commit myself to when and as I see others in a problematic situation and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look how funny they are when they suffer!” to stop and breathe. I then immediately place myself in the position of the individual that I observe and understand that I could equally be in the same position as they are. I then also see what I can do to diminish the suffering that others endure since we are all in this together.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within the DIP Lite free online course and to listen to the following related educational audios from Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence:

How to Transcend Shame and Transform It to Integrity
Shame, Shame, Shame
Wall of Shame
Shame & Self Forgiveness

Day 162: Emotional awareness

I tend to think about myself as someone who does what is bast for all, is guided by the principle of oneness and equality and is passionate about the projects that improve situation on this planet. Also I believed that I am a very emotionally stable person and free from any energetic addictions. Yet despite of being involved in several such project in the past years, I noticed how my initial excitement diminishes over time and I become less motivated to collaborate with other project members. Some kind of strange resistance appears within me and I get the feeling of heaviness and tiredness. Yesterday when I went out for a walk something opened in me end I came to realise what are the underling patterns that sabotage me at working effectively as part of a larger group.

The first point that came to me was how as the eldest child I have been raised up to be a serious and obedient person that does what parents instructs me to. And in our family my father was the most influential figure since he due to his low self-esteem and loosing his father when he was very young constantly search for recognition from others and wanted to be a good provider. He managed to be successful at that by being a very creative and innovative and pleasing others by positively surprising them. When me and my younger brother became part of our family I can now see how he in a way desired for his children to be provided for in the best way he could manage however at the same time my brother and I became a threat to him since we represented a riving party and started to compete with our father for attention and recognition. This is why I think jealousy developed within him and started to suppress us.

When my father started to develop our family sign-making and screen-printing business and we after completing the secondary school became his employees, such relationship got a whole new dimension. This is because I worked in the initial stage of pre-press and graphic design and when I made a mistake at visual design my brother would then print it on not so cheap products and would result in a lot of costly damage. I was pressured to work fast and my father would come onto me with extreme emotion of anger any time I made a mistake. And I also was not allowed to express myself creatively since all what matters to my father was that the products were printed as fast as possible and the quality of my visual graphic design did not matter at all. Often when I did some design he wanted me to change it to something that I did find it appropriate at all. This is also why I eventually decided to stop working for him and started my own business of creative graphic design where I had the opportunity to express myself creatively.

However even when working for my own clients his criticism remained deeply rooted within me as self-criticism in form of the back-chat in my mind that created a fear that my clients will equally not like my designs and will want me to change them. And also during the years of being an employee of my father I was pressured to work from morning to evening and started to burn out. Thus while working for my own clients I always hurried to finish the order immediately and then enjoyed my free time. Because of all that I feel that I have become conditioned to enjoy free time and wait for someone to tell me to do something and then I would execute that order precisely as instructed in order for others to be satisfied with me, to pay me fairly and then I would again just enjoy life and wait for the next order. Thus I like to complete the tasks as fast as possible and this reflects in checking my emails and social messages several times per day and making sure that my inbox is always empty. Equally when I cook, I immediately wash, wipe dry and tidy the dishes. My kitchen and my office desk are always clean and ready for the new projects.

I realised that I have become very sensitive to being pressured and that I do not allow anymore to be pushed and bullied anymore. So if someone wants me to do something and pushes me too much or if the instructions are not clear enough or if I do not get payed fairly and especially if I am to compete with others a strong resistance emerges within me. I am rather having a relaxed life with less money than earning a lot of money while being under stress all the time. In last several years I also participated in several international projects where there was a potential for me to earn a lot of money but all those projects failed to perform and I ended in some debt. This is also why I became mistrustful towards projects of others where I do not have significant control about the outcome. I learned that easiest way for me to earn the money is to work directly for the end client who respects my work and pays me fairly.

But then I started to ask myself if such life in the comfort zone is good for my personal development and I concluded that it is not. What I came to realise is that I have been living a quite elitist life where my father provided for all my needs and much more and that I took all of this for granted. Yes, I was under pressure by him but I did never ask myself how he has managing to successfully provide for our family and what kind of personal struggles he went through. Of course he also did not want to share his bag of tricks with me even if I expressed my curiosity about it. Thus in some way I tend to play a victim in order to show him that he did not equip me for a successful independent life because he wanted me to live in his house indefinitely. He never planned for me to move out and when I told him that I met a girlfriend and that I will move in with her to our own apartment he threatened that if I leave then he will never again want to see or accept me again.

Now after living on my own for almost 20 years I have started to ask myself if I am any better than my father. Because at least he managed to raise two of his children, maintain a successful business and I am at age 43 again single, without any kids, in debts and on unemployment support. I justify this by believing that I am instead of wanting to provide only for my family focusing mostly on contributing with changing of the global system so that every single living being will eventually be supported unconditionally. Yet I wonder what my impact actually is and how good of example I am if I do not take care properly for my own basic financial needs. Thus I decided to restart some of my previous business activities and then challenge myself in creating my own organisation where I will employ others. I see this as something that I need to do in order to break out of the limiting patterns that I copied from my father and also from those that I created by myself as the solution to cope with the pressures of my father.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational video titled Emotional Awareness from the Videos series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 161: My core patterns network

Lately, I have been thinking about the current state of my life, what I want to achieve and what are my limitations that prevent me in fulfilling such agenda. What I first noticed is that at this moment I am living a quite safe and comfortable life by staying in a small room where I live and also work using my computer. I receive some money from national unemployment support service and I do some design work for my father which brings me some additional money to cover my monthly bills. Then there is some debt that I have accumulated in recent years that I want to get rid of as soon as possible and for that purpose, I am collaborating on some international projects that have the potential to solve my current situation. However, I have noticed that collaborating with some groups is quite challenging since there is very limited amount of communication and many things are not clear. Consequently, I can not move on and have to wait for days or even weeks before moving to the next step. And that is just a peak of the mountain of all the issues connected to such projects.

The point is that I was able to earn a lot of money while having my visual communications creative business and when I was doing sales for the biggest national business directory. But after the financial recession and me doing some other kind of businesses where I wanted to develop a line of promotional products, creating a mutual business with my ex-girlfriend, selling some overpriced product, promoting MLM businesses and developing alternative currencies, things did not go so well as I would want to. I am quite tired of having to rely on someone else so I have now decided to take things again in my own hands and restart my original graphic design, web development, and professional photography services. I think that those are services that will always be needed by businesses in order for them to succeed in what they do and I also do not have to worry much about not being paid for my work.

But what I was wondering in regards all that is how much my core patterns influence my personal and business decisions and also my success in what I do. What I already became aware of is how the influence of my parents during my early years of childhood and also later years of working at our family company shaped me extensively. Thus I became introverted recognition-seeking perfectionist who best works alone using computers under the guidance of superior and is very critical in regards to visual presentation. I worked a lot in recent years in terms of redefining myself, overcoming my limitations and expanding my capabilities. I am skilled in working with computers, however, sitting behind the desk for long hours is not very ergonomic. Thus I desire to work in more of a natural environment where I can take regular brakes as often as I want and enjoy the company of plants and animals. However how to get there is the question and I see it also connected with a significant monetary investment.

Besides that after becoming aware of a lot of things about the history and the current state of existence I want to contribute as much as possible to improve the situation in this world. Primarily this means to continue and deepen my process of self-perfection which will require a lot of time. And possibly develop a farm to be an example of how to live in harmony with all living being as equals. Maybe even having my own family to raise the kids in the best way possible in order for them to continue the work of improving the human race. Of course, there are other possibilities of achieving such goal besides investing my own money. Such project could be manifested by using crowdfunding and public grants and even by excited private investors. So all options are opened it is only up to me how to conceive it and staying focused enough time in order for it to manifest in this physical reality.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Working for a Business Vs the Business Working for You from the The Soul of Money series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 153: Pain in the knee due to polarity backchat

Couple of days ago I went to my regular 1,5 hour hike on the nearby Kalvarija hill at Maribor city in Slovenia where I currently live. It was a warm sunny spring day and I decided this to be my first barefoot hike of this year. There are grapevines planted all over that hill and several week ago they trimmed them and left excess twigs piled along the bottom footpath where I usually start the hike. Usually the piles of wigs were removed soon after cutting but this time they have mulched and spread across the whole width of the path. When I walked barefoot over the part with mulched twigs it was quite painful and I became angry at the vine caretakers who obviously did not think about how the path would now become troublesome for barefoot hikers. During the hike I noticed that my right knee became more and more painful and towards the end of the trip I almost started to limp. The pain persisted through the whole next day so I decided to schedule a session with one of the kinesiologists at Desteni who are trained in pointing out the exact mind patterns that cause the pains in human physical body.

The first available session with a kinesiologist was the following afternoon. In the mean time I had a short chat with my flatmate who is also walking Desteni I Process course for self-realisation. While talking about what could be the cause for the pain in my right knee besides resentment towards the vine caretakers I remembered also another business related event from the previous day. And when I went to bed that evening, I kept the palm of my right hand over the painful knee in order to alleviate the unpleasant experience. The next day I had no more pain and when I had the kinesiology session, the practitioner asked what my problem was and what I think could be the cause for it. While describing both theories that I was able to think of, she pointed out that it was the business related event that was the cause of the pain thus I am now writing this post to look deeper in this point in order to pay it all the needed attention for not to be triggered again.

I have been a leading promoter of Spurt debt-free global currency for more than one year now and the moment when it will become fully convertible to other currencies is approaching fast. Individuals will be able to pay off all debts, self-liquidating line of credits for housing and sustainable projects will be available thus it is a social currency, partially something like Equal Money System that I have been also promoting for the last 6 years. It is planned that all Spurt users will eventually receive MasterCard or Visa debit card that will enable them to pay for the groceries and other monthly expenses directly in fiat currencies. Recently the Spurt management announced that those who have opened their Spurt accounts before January 1st 2017 will received debit card with 5.000 EUR and those who will open their Spurt account by the end of March 2017 will receive debit card with 1.000 EUR preloaded, without any subtraction from their Spurt account balance. So Spurt company will basically give this money as a reward for being patient until the Spurt will become fully convertible. And the only thing that is needed to open Spurt account is to send 50 EUR deposit via PayPal or bank transfer that immediately converts to 50 SPU and to fill out the online registration form.

When reading about this news I could not believe it since who would just give so much money for any new currency user without any other additional requirement. But just to be completely sure I called the Spurt director and had a Skype chat with her. She confirmed this fact but also expressed worry that this offer could attract many greedy people who will not understand the value of Spurt and how to directly use it to do business without need of being convertible at all. She wanted me to promote Spurt in such a way to firstly explain all other benefits of using Spurt and only when they see the value in it shall I also inform them about additional bonus in form of prepaid debit card. I think that requirement then triggered a massive polarity backchat within me where I wanted to tell the whole word about how they can generate 950 EUR profit by investing only 50 EUR however they would before that need to firstly become excited about the sole value and usability of Spurt. And the challenge is also how to persuade others to open their Spurt account without being able to tell any kind of date when Spurt will become exchangeable and when exactly debit cards will be available.

The polarity backchat in my mind that triggered was thus about where on the one hand I accessed feelings like joy, excitement, cheerful, hopeful, creative, daring, fascinated, stimulated and optimistic and on the other hand I was experiencing emotions like scared, helpless, anxious, bewildered, insignificant, inadequate, embarrassed and overwhelmed. Because one downside of all this is that some people have already behaved nasty and have been frequently sending me messages asking about when Spurt will become convertible. And the other point is that I wish for everyone to be informed about this opportunity in order to profit at least 950 EUR but due to limited time and capacity I will be able to reach only several thousand people among 7 billion humans on this planet. In regards to that fact I have created a believe that I will be personally responsible for lose of profit for everyone that I will not succeed to inform and effectively convince to open their Spurt account by March 31st 2017. So I have become happy about the good news however thinking about how to deliver and perform to achieve desired outcome created overwhelming self-criticism related to perfectionism.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed by thinking about the upsides and downsides of a Spurt business opportunity due to my belief that this is a special opportunity that will permanently solve economic problems of humanity. I realise that despite of marvellous promises how Spurt will be able to deliver in the future it is not the one and only solution to current global problems as many other alternative currencies are being developed and there are massive actions being taken like global currency reset and neutering of the malicious banking leaders. I commit myself to when and as some amazing news is announced by Spurt management and my mind start to produce thoughts like: “Wow, this is so fantastic that I have to immediately tell that to whole world or I will be personally responsible to cause harm to others due to leaving them ignorant about this!” to stop and breathe. I then engage in promotion of great news with awareness that any news will have a limited reach and that whatever solution will be offered it will not be able to miraculously solve all our problems since we all must change all of our mind patterns for which it takes a lot of time and persistence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a tendency to present news in a way where I give it much bigger meaning that it actually has due to my pattern of trying to impress others and in that way receive their attention. I realise that by such action I create attachment where I try to control how others will respond and consequently also the fear of being judged by others if they will not recognise equal value in the information that I am bringing to then. I commit myself to when and as I receive some information where others may benefit from and my mind produces thoughts like: “I have to inform everybody about it immediately with great enthusiasm and let them know how valuable I am as a person who is bearer of the most awesome news on this planet!” to stop and breathe. I then consider all of my options, my limited time, the minds of others, their limited time and share any good news as factual as possible without any personal desire for attention from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself by repeating a pattern of creating polarity energy reactions of good and bad feelings where I would get excited and experience uplifting positive energy by imagining amazing future situation and then soon after that experiencing a heavy depressing feeling due to imagining what all hard physical movement, technical problems, refusal and criticism will I probably experience while trying to manifest the Utopian world. I realise that a better future for all is definitely possible however in this dimension of physicality and time it takes patience and persistent movement of many individuals who work together as one. I commit myself to when and as I am introduced with a vision of idilic future where we all live in harmony and abundance and my mind is producing thoughts like: “This will never happen since I am just a individual among many other people who will have little to no effect on this world so why even give it a try.” to stop and breathe. I then consider all the options to improve this world with awareness that if I collaborate in a global group where we share the same principles a synergy can be created and effects of my work will be multiplied many times over resulting in powerful global transformation where desired change can be manifested with great certainty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overthink when dealing with life challenges where I go in my mind and allow all sorts of imaginations and thoughts that separate me from what is here. I realise that while imagination can be used constructively and self-directed thoughts are supportive, nothing within my mind will become true if I do not ground myself sufficiently and take practical action in this physical world. I commit myself to when and as I want to find a solution and I notice that I am only constantly thinking about positive and negative future possibilities to stop and breathe. I then use the mind only for initial stage of imagining things and follow through by making physical notes, action plans, calendar appointments, reminders and timelines in order to gain stability in the attempt to effectively manifest my goals in this physical reality. 

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Facing Choice from the Reptilians series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 152: My relationship with money

For the last 4 years I have been living on the public social support money and have been making some additional income by working for my father. However this does not mean that I have become lazy. I have been actually very busy for 3 years doing the sales activity for overpriced learning software that no one was able to afford and then I engaged for 1 year in promoting a new digital currency where I did earn a lot of money however it has not yet become convertible despite the initial speculations that it will become liquid asset by the end of 2016. Now I am thinking about what to do because I am tired of doing businesses that other control and where promises of earning do not come true.

My relationship with money started of course when I was a child and parents would firstly start to give me pocket money. After I finished the middle school, I became employee of my father who started to develop our family business. However initially I did not receive any direct salary but had to ask my parents to buy me what I needed. It was only after I met my first girlfriend and moved out of my parents' house when I enforced my salary to be payed directly to me. After I broke off with my girlfriend, I started to work as a sole proprietor and a freelancer where I earned more than enough for my needs. However I never decided to create a big business and employ many people due to different reasons.

One thing was that I cherished the freedom of working alone where I could take brakes whenever I wanted and spend a lot of my free time for personal growth. I also was not exposed to environment where I could learn from others how to manage big business and many employees. And I have been influenced my father who also preferred to work alone and had ideology to earn only just enough to be debt-free and disregard situations of those who are not part of our family. In recent years I have also studied extensively how money is actually made in our society where firstly precious metals and stones were used as main means of exchange, then gold-backed currencies were introduced to global economy and where now we are using fiat currency that is created out of thin air and are not backed by any real assets. Not only that, but currencies like Dollar and Euro are debt-base and have been designed specifically to create inequality, scarcity and economic slavery. And some explain that even Euro that is used in our country is not a currency but technically a United States Military Script and legally when used one actually engages in a act of war.

So I have been lately torn between promoting the Spurt new debt-free asset-backed currency that has a stable nominal value but almost none practical usability and using Euro debt-based fiat currency without any backing where I would wage war agains others by using it. But this is not the only problem, because even when considering the benefits of many new digital crypto and non-crypto currencies, there is still a challenge of defining a value to any resource, product and service. Because in recent era humanity has been given highest value only to rare inanimate objects like gold and diamonds where life had none value at all and many beings have been killed for the sake of making profit. This is also why I am a strong supporter of the Equal Money System where life has the highest value and a dignified living conditions for all form of life are the top priority.

Money has in many ways been used as form of enslavement however I am happy to see that massive change is happening on a global scale where many global leaders have decided to provide prosperity to the whole humanity and do not want any more wars. Malicious members of global elite have been neutered and their secret undergrounds blown up. Chinese Red Dragon Family are distributing their massive stocks of gold around the world for the currency to become backed by assets again. Thus global currency revaluation and reset is on the way. Some say that despite that the popping of global financial bubble will not be able to be prevented and that we are to prepare ourselves for the time of big turbulence. And with potentials of the new plasma technology developed by Keshe Foundation abundance of electricity, any chemical element, physical body regeneration and space travel potentials beyond human imagination are being made available to all.  

With enormous amount of information accessible over the internet and increasing number of opportunities, it has been a great challenge for me what path to choose. Learning about the new ways of removing any attachment to physicality and becoming emotionally non-reactive by using Keshe box in order to be able to travel space and aligning our physical body to every galactic environment had stirred my imagination. However each of those now discoveries is constantly being developed and there is large amount of information being produced on a daily basis that would require lot of time to digest and integrate. And the problem is also that lot of information is deliberately deceptive and so one can become quickly frustrated by conflicting claims. So in order to prevent going insane, one has no other option but to limit their field of study and operation and also use common sense to filter fake news.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to stop engaging in commercial activities in order to be payed in Euro currency due to learning that Euro is a military script and using it is an act of war. Thus since I want to be in peace and have also signed the Keshe World Peace Treaty I wanted to keep using Euro to the minimum and mostly use only a peaceful currencies like Spurt. I realise that even though using Euro is legally an act of war, it is still the main financial mean of exchange that most people in my and surrounding countries accept without any objection and that it would take enormous amount of time and resources before Spurt will become significantly recognisable in order to stop using Euro completely. I commit myself to when and as I want to earn Euros and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Do not accept Euro or else you will be waging war against others!” to stop end breathe. I then allow myself to accept Euros and understand the current imperfect reality in this world and the fact that we must firstly stop the war within us that we are waging war agains self and others by using energetic weapons of our feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become distracted by all sorts of new information that I stumble upon when participating on Facebook and other web sites. I realise that while it is important to be open-minded and to understand the full picture of how this existence works, by trying to understand and control what is going on outside of myself, I will not be able to keep a sane mind. I commit myself to when and as I stumble upon a new fantastic discovery and my mind goes like: “You must research this in depth since this source might completely change your life and free you from all the misery that you experience currently!” to stop and breathe. I then check the new discovery only to the level of becoming aware of its existence and continue to discover what is within me since everything out there exists only as the manifested consequence of what I allow and accept to be within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for some tool outside of me like the Keshe Plasma Emotion Box that would assist me in changing myself faster. I realise that my human physical body already is The Box that reflects my emotions and feelings by pain and other sensations that I can experience and that it is everything that I actually need to change myself. When and as I hear about some scientific discovery that is promising for the man to understand the mind and I notice thought like: “You must research this since there must be a faster and more effective method that writing!” to stop and breathe. I then rather use the proven Desteni tools of introspection and become self-reliant within the process of looking within me and transforming myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be afraid of creating a big business and having to provide enough monthly income to pay the salaries because I see that global economic situation is very unstable. I realise that one can not know how the business situation will actually develop in real world situation and that all predictions are nothing but creation of my imagination. When and as I decide to employ any people and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Do not employ anybody since if there will not be enough income to pay for the salaries, they will tear you apart from anger!” to stop and breathe. I then with realisation that hiring and firing people is a natural process of every big business take on board additional help and let them go if necessary without hard feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that by creating an organisation with many employees I will loose my freedom and become overwhelmed with trying to manage the business. I realise that there are many owners of companies that employ hundreds of thousands of people however they still manage to organise their life the way they want. I commit myself to when and as I think about creating a large organisation and my mind goes like: “Are you totally crazy, this would be an act of suicide!” to stop and breathe. I then plan to grow my business step by step and distribute all the tasks among the employees so that I can direct the projects with a peaceful mind. 

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Freeing your Mind from Money from The Soul of Money series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 151: Why does my father bother me so much

Yesterday my father visited me after almost 6 months. He came because he has been for last several days present at the nearby Ptuj city annual carnival as official ancient printer and scribe. While he attracts attention with his original long beard, mediaeval black coat and black headgear with feathers, he also carries an iPad in a case that looks like an old book that he made. He came to me with a reason to pick up an old suitcase that he ordered me to collect at city antique shop couple of days ago but also to download the videos that he recorded on the festival since his iPad memory was full. While I emptied his iPad he gave me some money and asked me what I have been up to. When I explained him how I started to network with local action group to start building urban gardens, he reacted as many times before, making clear that he actually does not care what I do as long as I earn enough money to survive.

His attitude towards me makes me angry because I would like to see for my father to respect me and be interested in what I do. However he mostly focuses on his own life and does not care for others very much. Thus also whenever he asks me what I have been doing lately, I already know that it is pointless to say anything because he actually does not want to hear that I am doing any progress in my life. What pleases him the most is hearing that I am struggling because I think that in a way he does not want any competition for attention and that he likes to be in a role of a saviour. When I did analysis how his sins in form of mind patterns transferred to me, I became aware that I also did not care very much for what he was doing. However when I started to show interest for what he does and would occasionally ask him what he has been doing, he would not want to explain it to me. And this is because of his other manipulation tactic because he wants to do things in secret in order to surprise and shock others with the final product, again just for the sake of getting attention. I hate him for being like that and cycling through the same behaviour patterns year after year.

So I have been wondering what to do about him and for me how to transform such patterns that I picked up from him. Several months ago I wrote him that I have decided to completely stop working for him and having any contact and that he should find some other person to assist him with computer related design tasks that I have been performing for him occasionally. But recently he again started to call me and ask me for design assistance. He explained that his designer got sick and that he urgently needs my help due to project deadline. I did restart working for him with expectation that his new designer will take it over when he gets better. But that waiting extended for many weeks and when I asked my father if his designer has already got well, he just mumbled something and I am suspecting that he actually might got in fight with him and that he would rather continue to work with me. Now I wonder if continuation of working for him will again be solidifying my old behaviour patterns that I worked on transforming within me.

Working for my father has some benefits for me since income from my work for him, combined with the monthly social support money is just enough to cover my monthly costs. But that also keeps me in the comfort zone where I have not much interest for doing some greater projects. Somehow this lifestyle fits me quite well since I do not have big responsibilities and provides me with a lot of time for my passion of spending many hours per day discovering even greater secrets of this existence. So in one way I am thankful that my father and I have such symbiotic relationship to support each other's passions. In one way I hate and also envy him for living the words 'ignorance is a bliss' and not giving much care for what is going on outside of his small mind bubble. And in one way I also admire him for being such a hard physical worker, constantly expanding and constructing physical projects, always having enough money and also learning how to benefit from digital technology. While he likes to build with his hands and creating something big from the physical substance, I on the other hand like to live a minimalistic life and create using virtual computer tools. So our field of interest, starting points and ways of expression are quite different, in many ways a direct opposite.

Considering all upsides and downsides of our relationship the biggest question is to what extend should I live aligned with the expectations of the society that family members must have the best relationships between each others and be always willing to assist each other. And I have to decide if keeping working for my father is currently the best way of supporting my development or if it will diminish and limit me at the process of expanding myself. The question is if my desire to live my current way of life is the consequence of being regularly in touch with my father or will I be able to handle all interactions with him without any emotional reactions and triggering past memories and expand anyway? Or would it be the best to again cut off all the connections with my father so that he is completely removed from my mind which would enable me to focus on my process and projects development with greater efficiency?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry about my father because he wants to impress others with what he does. I realise that I am using the same pattern when communicating with my father where I try to impress him with knowledge, information and my latest achievements. I commit myself to when and as I communicate with my father and my mind produces thoughts like: “I must let him know what I have achieved and learned lately so that he can be proud of me.” to stop and breathe. I then continue with assisting him without and desire to impress him or wanting to be more than him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become tired and demotivated in socialising with others with justification that others will not be able to understand how I see this world in many of its dimensions. I realise that feeling of tiredness is the polarity opposite energy that is the consequence of positive emotions of feeling good that I have been striving for. I commit myself to when and as I feel depressed as the result of me allowing the thoughts like: “The world is too complex and there is no point of explaining what I see so best not to even try to explain it.” to stop and breathe. I then decide to live words like: Patience, Humility, Compassion and in graduate steps take enough time to explain to others how I see this reality and what are the solutions for the current problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that some people are beyond the ability to understand and that the best way to deal with them is to cut them off and end any further communication with them. I realise that even to people with very small capacity to understand I can give at least a small piece of information that they would be able to grasp and expand by. I commit myself that when and as I meet someone who seems to have very limited capacity of understanding and my mind goes like: “This person is so dumb that there is no point in wasting any time for trying to explain him anything.” to stop and breathe. I then consider the fact that we are all in this together and that no one is free until we all are free and give the opportunity to anyone that I meet in order for them to benefit from my interaction with them at least in some small way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up due to belief that there is no information received from others that I can totally rely on and share it with others without any danger that after some time it will be proven to be fake. I realise that while any second hand information can be fake, there is a lot of first hand information available and my personal experiences that I can totally rely on and are completely safe to share. I commit myself to when and as I want to assist others with useful information and there are thought popping up like: “Better not to say anything since there is a possibility existing that information is not true and others will accuse me of being a liar and will attack me with everything they got!“ to stop and breathe. I then decide to express my gratitude for being assisted by many individuals with very supportive insights by me equally sharing my perspectives and realisations with others so that the network of support will be able to expand much more and that we will be able to solve the problems of this existence as fast as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live only on public social support money and by doing some occasional work for my father due to believe that there is so much that I must yet learn before I will be able to assist others with sharing useful information and that I must not waste my precious time by doing some job or additional business activities just to get a bit more money. I realise that with what I have became aware of so far I have the potential to assist others greatly and that I can easily turn my helpful activities into business where all my needs will be more than covered. I commit myself to when and as I think about assisting others in a professional way and my mind tries to shut me down with thoughts like: “There is already so many information about everything available via books and internet that it is absolutely no point in adding anything to this already too overwhelming body of information!” to stop and breathe. I then decide to slow down, structure my approach and be as useful as possible for the whole humanity by actively moving in this reality and assisting others as much as I feel that I am capable of.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Sins of the Fathers from Life Review series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 146: Self-criticism of my belly

Several years ago when I used to do a lot of mountain biking, my friend and I took a trip with our mountain bikes to the nearby Stol (Chair) mountain. During the downhill we stopped in the forest for a short rest and I asked him if he can take a picture from the side with me posing on my bike. After I downloaded the picture and looked at it on my computer my belly took most of my attention since it was like protruding forward and it did not looked attractive to me like I imagined it would. My goal was to give an elegant pose but I was ashamed of my posture the way it looked on the picture . So I did not post this photo on social media because I thought that others would criticise me.

After that I have for many times occasionally observed my belly in the mirror and wondered how I usually look from the side to the other people. I wanted my belly to be nice and attractive, especially to girls, of course. In many movies there are scenes where girls admire six-pacs of the guys and how it is suppose to be sexy. However I recently also stumbled on one article that explains how most of the women like men with the bigger bellies however I am not sure if they explained why. There is also a character of Santa Claus that has a big belly and is associated with a kind personality. And my father also has a big belly and he used to joke that a responsible lord has to keep his tools under the roof. There was also one viral video that showed a guy with big round protruding belly who hit it with his palm fast and it turned into a six-pacs. This obviously demonstrated that also bodybuilders are able to relax the belly muscles so that it looks protruded and round and when they decide to expose their six-pacs, they have to make an effort to activate their belly muscles. I also wondered if my spine has deformed in a more obvious S shape since I have been sleeping on my belly from my early childhood. Despite of all this worries about how my belly could look in the eyes of others, I never gave it much attention like becoming obsessed with going to gym or wanting to have a six-pacs to impress girls. However it does somehow persist in my subconscious mind and it influences my self-image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to have a six-pacs in order to become attractive and get girls. I realise that I had several girls and none of them complained about my belly. And as some research explained, some girls prefer big bellies oven plain ones or even six-pacs. I commit myself to when and as I observe a photo of me where my belly is protruding and my mind produces thoughts like: “Look at that big ugly belly! You should be ashamed of it and if you will do nothing about it, you will not be able to attract any girls.” to stop and breathe. I then continue to observe the photo of me and not allowing any emotional reaction to take over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my belly to bellies of other people, especially those who are actors in the movies and models in the fashion magazines. I realise that movies and magazines tend to promote a certain ideal of beauty and physical perfection and ignore the fact that humans come in various and very different shapes and sizes. I commit myself to when and as I observe myself on the photo or in the video and my mind goes: “What a geek, your body looks so strange that it would be better to hide yourself from the public in order not to create a disgust in the eyes of other!“ to stop and breathe. I then continue to observe pictures of me within energetic stability and awareness that it is natural to be different from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that my posture is bad and that my spine is crooked without even visiting a doctor or chiropractor in order to confirm the extend of how much if at all the shape of my spine is off from the optimum and if there are any concerns and needs to be adjusted. I realise that if my posture would be so much off I would received at least one comment from my friends about that so I should be just fine. I commit myself to when and as I think about the shape of my spine and my mind is producing an imagination how my spine is crooked to stop and breathe. I then refocus to something more important in my life or decide to schedule an appointment with s specialist to provide me with a real facts about the condition of my spine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a physical image of my body is so much important due to promotion of visual ideals in the public media. I realise that in any relationship physical image plays a very small role comparing to the whole spectrum and dimensions of interactions and collaboration that two life partners perform during the whole day alone and together. I commit myself to when and as I go in my mind and start to use my imagination to compare my physical body to any body of actor or a model, to stop and breathe. I then rather do some practical work with full acceptance of the way how my physical body witch I am temporarily incarnated in my current human experience looks like and with awareness that it is just one current dimension of who I am as eternal living being. 

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Day 145: Embarrassed in front of the dancing class

A similar memory that I walked in my previous blog post is being embarrassed by a dancing teacher in front of other classmates. Around age of 30 one of my female friends asked me if I would be willing to be her partner at tango dancing class. I liked this girl quite a lot and considered her a potential life partner. I did made several attempts to hit on her but she responded with letting me know that she does not enjoy the way I approached her. So I was very happy to see that she invited me to a dancing class with hopes that this might be a gathering that will being us closer together.

A couple of years before that friend invited me to a tango dance class I have attended many basic standard dancing classes at private music and dancing school called Tango. However that did not mean that the school was specialised in giving tango dancing lessons, that was just a name that the founder of the school picked out. We did have a couple of standard tango dancing lessons while I visited that school but I did not have any opportunities to practice dancing afterwards.

When my girlfriend invited me to a tango dancing class she told me that it will be just a couple of sessions in span of one weekend. When we arrived at the dancing hall for the first time I noticed that she was surprised to find out that the kind of tango that will be taught was not a classic but the Argentinian tango. She kinda missed that detail of information. And what we found out very soon was that there are big differences between those two kinds of tango. Not only that but we realised that it was also not a beginners class but a very advanced class. So we struggled very hard to keep with the pace of the lessons or better to say, we were unable to fit in.

And there was also a very unpleasant experience for me where I failed to fulfil the ideals of the dancing teacher in the most basic matter. It was the occasion where dancing teacher wanted to check out the way how our bodies move. So the first thing that he instructed all class participants was to form a very big circle. Then each one of us was to walk diagonally across the floor from one side of the circle to the opposing one. When the participants would finish the walk, they would receive an applaud and the praise about their grace of movement was given to them.

Eventually it was my turn to do the walk. So I stated to move my body and I took the long walk across the hall while others would watch me carefully. However when I arrived at the other side, the dancing teacher started to lough loudly and criticise the way I walked. He said that I absolutely do not know how to walk and that had never seen anyone walk more clumsily than me. I was very shocked and started to feel ashamed since never before anyone told me that there was something wrong with the way I walked. And I became also angry about the dancing teacher since I considered it wrong to behave in so insensitive way towards his dancing class attendees.

That event created quite a deep impression within me and after that when I would walk down the street I would often think that other are observing me and judging the way I walk. And there was also a related event several years later when I visited Desteni farm. Once when I had a conversation with Bernard he would with strong voice criticise the way I walk wanting to somehow show me that by waking as the way I did I am showing some kind of personality that was not in the best interest of all. And several years later I was also interviewed by some private TV channel and they also recorded some scenes of me while walking in the forest. However I never saw the recording of that interview and I am even not sure that it was aired at all. That created additional backchat and increased thinking that I am walking so strange that other even do not want to publicly show the recording of my walk.

Up to this day I am still asking myself what the hell is suppose to be wrong with the way I walk. And I also did never seen any video recording of me while walking. I wonder if the way I walk had changed in the past years due to progressing in the process of self-realisation. Maybe I did walked before in a way where it was shown that my body is very stiff and not very fluid in movement due to my past professional career where I would sit in front of computer for the most of the time. Maybe I now walk differently and no one has any reason to criticise my walk anymore. Anyway, I am recently careful to pay attention on my physical body while I walk and make sure that my walk is very relaxed, that I feel comfortable and that I do not allow myself to give any attention to the thoughts where I would think that others are observing and criticising the way I walk or look like. I have considered also to specifically made an effort to record the way I walk in order to observe how I actually move for my own self-reflection. But I do not consider this very important at this time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blindly accept the invitation from my friend to join her at a tango dancing class with expectation that she knows exactly what the class will be about. I realise that other people might not take proper time and focus to understand what some event is about and can come to a false conclusion. I commit myself to when someone invites me to some event and my mind produces thoughts like: “Just say yes and trust them since they must know what the event is about and that I will also enjoy it!” to stop and breathe. I then take time to do my own research and cross-reference if expectations of the one who invited me are aligned with the actual detailed description of the event plans.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that if someone is in a role of a teacher they must follow a proper conduct of behaviour and be careful not to say anything that will make their class attendees uncomfortable. I realise that any person who is sometimes also in a role of a teacher is also in process of self-realisation and that I must not expect from anyone to be nothing but perfect. I commit myself to when and as any teacher makes a degrading remark about me and my mind goes: “They should not say that and hurt my feelings since they are a teacher and must respect me completely and unconditionally!“ to stop and breathe. I then within awareness that all are in the process of self-transformation and that none of the remarks is to be taken personally communicate with the teacher and support them as one and equal in realisation how they can improve their communication with other by taking full self-responsibility for their own mind projections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hurt by the remark of the native Argentinian tango teacher that laughed at the way I walked. I realise that in Argentina they have a very different culture where most of residents practice their form of tango from a very young age and thus they also develop a more fluid and gracious way of physical body movement. I commit myself to when and as some skilled professional criticises something that I have done and my mind comes up with thoughts like: “Oh no, I am such a bad person who should be deeply ashamed of what I have done!“ to stop and breathe. I then with full understanding of the whole history of that professional communicate with them and explain that we all have different past experiences that shaped us and that they should not expect from others to excel the sam way as they do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for previous comments about the way of how I walk to haunt me. I realise that some comments were made from the points of separation and some were made with intent to support me in developing myself. I commit myself to when someone is commenting the way I move and I start to think: “Poor me, does really no one love and accept me for who I am?” to stop and breathe. I then communicate with the person who gave the comment and ask for a detailed explanation in order to understand if they want to actually support me or if they are only projecting their own points of separation. If I see that the comments are manifestation of emotions like spite, envy or competition, I dismiss the comments completely. And if the comments proved to be supportive in terms of showing me how my specific body movement express my patterns od self-limitation, I take them into account and use them to correct myself with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I go out for a walk to think about the possibility that someone is watching me and criticising the way how my physical human body moves. I realise that while someone might observe me when I am outside in the public, all judgments about my body movements are their own responsibility and have nothing to do with me. I commit myself to when and as I am outside and use my human physical body as medium of transportation or self-expression and my mind start to produce thoughts like: “Pay attention that you move in such a way that you fit into the crowd and not stand out in any way since others will start to criticise or even attack you!” to stop and breathe. I then if I am walking or running pay attention that my human physical body is as relaxed as possible and that it moves as naturally as possibly. And if I use my body to express myself while doing some movements that others might find strange, to disregard what others might think and express myself fully, following the natural flow of movements within complete oneness with my human physical body.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-assisting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Embarrassment and Personalities from the Atlanteans series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.