Day 151: Why does my father bother me so much

Yesterday my father visited me after almost 6 months. He came because he has been for last several days present at the nearby Ptuj city annual carnival as official ancient printer and scribe. While he attracts attention with his original long beard, mediaeval black coat and black headgear with feathers, he also carries an iPad in a case that looks like an old book that he made. He came to me with a reason to pick up an old suitcase that he ordered me to collect at city antique shop couple of days ago but also to download the videos that he recorded on the festival since his iPad memory was full. While I emptied his iPad he gave me some money and asked me what I have been up to. When I explained him how I started to network with local action group to start building urban gardens, he reacted as many times before, making clear that he actually does not care what I do as long as I earn enough money to survive.

His attitude towards me makes me angry because I would like to see for my father to respect me and be interested in what I do. However he mostly focuses on his own life and does not care for others very much. Thus also whenever he asks me what I have been doing lately, I already know that it is pointless to say anything because he actually does not want to hear that I am doing any progress in my life. What pleases him the most is hearing that I am struggling because I think that in a way he does not want any competition for attention and that he likes to be in a role of a saviour. When I did analysis how his sins in form of mind patterns transferred to me, I became aware that I also did not care very much for what he was doing. However when I started to show interest for what he does and would occasionally ask him what he has been doing, he would not want to explain it to me. And this is because of his other manipulation tactic because he wants to do things in secret in order to surprise and shock others with the final product, again just for the sake of getting attention. I hate him for being like that and cycling through the same behaviour patterns year after year.

So I have been wondering what to do about him and for me how to transform such patterns that I picked up from him. Several months ago I wrote him that I have decided to completely stop working for him and having any contact and that he should find some other person to assist him with computer related design tasks that I have been performing for him occasionally. But recently he again started to call me and ask me for design assistance. He explained that his designer got sick and that he urgently needs my help due to project deadline. I did restart working for him with expectation that his new designer will take it over when he gets better. But that waiting extended for many weeks and when I asked my father if his designer has already got well, he just mumbled something and I am suspecting that he actually might got in fight with him and that he would rather continue to work with me. Now I wonder if continuation of working for him will again be solidifying my old behaviour patterns that I worked on transforming within me.

Working for my father has some benefits for me since income from my work for him, combined with the monthly social support money is just enough to cover my monthly costs. But that also keeps me in the comfort zone where I have not much interest for doing some greater projects. Somehow this lifestyle fits me quite well since I do not have big responsibilities and provides me with a lot of time for my passion of spending many hours per day discovering even greater secrets of this existence. So in one way I am thankful that my father and I have such symbiotic relationship to support each other's passions. In one way I hate and also envy him for living the words 'ignorance is a bliss' and not giving much care for what is going on outside of his small mind bubble. And in one way I also admire him for being such a hard physical worker, constantly expanding and constructing physical projects, always having enough money and also learning how to benefit from digital technology. While he likes to build with his hands and creating something big from the physical substance, I on the other hand like to live a minimalistic life and create using virtual computer tools. So our field of interest, starting points and ways of expression are quite different, in many ways a direct opposite.

Considering all upsides and downsides of our relationship the biggest question is to what extend should I live aligned with the expectations of the society that family members must have the best relationships between each others and be always willing to assist each other. And I have to decide if keeping working for my father is currently the best way of supporting my development or if it will diminish and limit me at the process of expanding myself. The question is if my desire to live my current way of life is the consequence of being regularly in touch with my father or will I be able to handle all interactions with him without any emotional reactions and triggering past memories and expand anyway? Or would it be the best to again cut off all the connections with my father so that he is completely removed from my mind which would enable me to focus on my process and projects development with greater efficiency?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry about my father because he wants to impress others with what he does. I realise that I am using the same pattern when communicating with my father where I try to impress him with knowledge, information and my latest achievements. I commit myself to when and as I communicate with my father and my mind produces thoughts like: “I must let him know what I have achieved and learned lately so that he can be proud of me.” to stop and breathe. I then continue with assisting him without and desire to impress him or wanting to be more than him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become tired and demotivated in socialising with others with justification that others will not be able to understand how I see this world in many of its dimensions. I realise that feeling of tiredness is the polarity opposite energy that is the consequence of positive emotions of feeling good that I have been striving for. I commit myself to when and as I feel depressed as the result of me allowing the thoughts like: “The world is too complex and there is no point of explaining what I see so best not to even try to explain it.” to stop and breathe. I then decide to live words like: Patience, Humility, Compassion and in graduate steps take enough time to explain to others how I see this reality and what are the solutions for the current problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that some people are beyond the ability to understand and that the best way to deal with them is to cut them off and end any further communication with them. I realise that even to people with very small capacity to understand I can give at least a small piece of information that they would be able to grasp and expand by. I commit myself that when and as I meet someone who seems to have very limited capacity of understanding and my mind goes like: “This person is so dumb that there is no point in wasting any time for trying to explain him anything.” to stop and breathe. I then consider the fact that we are all in this together and that no one is free until we all are free and give the opportunity to anyone that I meet in order for them to benefit from my interaction with them at least in some small way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up due to belief that there is no information received from others that I can totally rely on and share it with others without any danger that after some time it will be proven to be fake. I realise that while any second hand information can be fake, there is a lot of first hand information available and my personal experiences that I can totally rely on and are completely safe to share. I commit myself to when and as I want to assist others with useful information and there are thought popping up like: “Better not to say anything since there is a possibility existing that information is not true and others will accuse me of being a liar and will attack me with everything they got!“ to stop and breathe. I then decide to express my gratitude for being assisted by many individuals with very supportive insights by me equally sharing my perspectives and realisations with others so that the network of support will be able to expand much more and that we will be able to solve the problems of this existence as fast as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live only on public social support money and by doing some occasional work for my father due to believe that there is so much that I must yet learn before I will be able to assist others with sharing useful information and that I must not waste my precious time by doing some job or additional business activities just to get a bit more money. I realise that with what I have became aware of so far I have the potential to assist others greatly and that I can easily turn my helpful activities into business where all my needs will be more than covered. I commit myself to when and as I think about assisting others in a professional way and my mind tries to shut me down with thoughts like: “There is already so many information about everything available via books and internet that it is absolutely no point in adding anything to this already too overwhelming body of information!” to stop and breathe. I then decide to slow down, structure my approach and be as useful as possible for the whole humanity by actively moving in this reality and assisting others as much as I feel that I am capable of.

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Day 132: Demolition of the invisible wall

Lately I have been bumping into invisible wall. I am not referring to a vertical structure that prevents me from accessing a specific location, but a mental wall, composed of a thoughts and emotions that prevents me from performing specific tasks that are needed in order to achieve certain business goals. These tasks are part of a direct sales activities and are such as generating leads, making phone calls, scheduling meetings, executing presentations, making sales, asking for referrals and following up. All these are simple physical activities that do not require big muscles, however they are strongly related to mental activities. Thus my challenge is to penetrate the invisible wall in my mind.

I have been engaging in many different sales activities in the past and I have been one of the most successful salesman, earning high commissions. So what has changed, what is now the difference? Well firstly the media is full of information about financial crisis. There are constantly reports about how government is facing a money deficit, how cuts and savings are necessary, how even banks do not have enough money, so constantly the media programming about how there is not enough money for even the basic needs of the people, let alone to be able to afford more valuable product like I am currently selling. Consequently my mind if producing thoughts that there is no point of even trying to make any sales since no one will buy as there is not enough money.

Secondly as one of the most prominent patterns is my accepted and allowed character that I play within relationship with my father. He wanted for others to consider him as a loving father that takes care for the basic needs of the family and protects his children from all the evil of this world. Thus me and my brother were not allowed to go out in the evenings and at weekends in order not to make friends with peers that possess bad habits and consequently start indulging in drugs and alcohol. And then he also started with family business where I have been executing work task on the computer as I have been instructed by him. So my life survival tactics have been developed in form of a person who is quiet, waits for instructions of others and then the money comes automatically and mysteriously as the reward for doing what I was told to.

The third thing is that I am selling a new product with high value that requires a lot of sales steps and managing a lot of information. Previously I did a small orders for just few clients and when there would be no orders, I would take break for several hours or even several days. I started to enjoy such free time where no one demanded nothing from me. Now I am developing a much larger business with network of hundred of salesman and many thousand clients that will need to be managed basically for all my life. This requires a robust information management system and a constant overview and situational awareness of all the business points in any time in order for the business to develop properly. So comparing to my previous life style, the new business venture looks like a suicide mission.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as character of obedient and humble person that waits for the orders from my father and immediately executes any given task and then stops moving after the task is completed. I realize that while I am still doing some tasks for my father and he is still consequently assisting me financially, such relationship is not supportive for my life and prevents me from acting as independent person and manifesting my own projects. I commit myself to live my own life as my father does not exist anymore and as he does not support me financially anymore and to generate my own sources of income by building my own business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the media news about the financial crisis and lack of money. I realize that media is focused on the shocking negative perspectives of society in order to generate attention and also to infuse fear into the public since the media owners have their own agenda that is not for the benefit of all. I commit myself to when engaging in sales activities to proceed with sales steps without any imagination about how much money the person that I am contacting currently possesses. My mind is not able to know the financial situation of any person before I actually ask them and receive a reply.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by managing a large organization one will have less free time to relax and do fun things. I realize that any owner of a business is able to hire professional managers that can run the organization effectively and thus creating a lot of free time for the owners. I commit myself to when and as my mind would enter a state of overwhelmingness to breathe, slow down, assist myself with writing and move forward with digestible steps. There will always be ways to solve any problem if one moves with the speed of the physical breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to use the tool of speaking and writing whenever I bump into the invisible wall of my mind. I realize that the mind will constantly create new walls in order to prevent me from moving forward and that they will not disappear on their own in time, but will exist and persist until I face them meticulously and deconstruct them brick by brick, thought by thought until the mind runs out of bricks and then only will I be free to move anywhere without any limitations.