Day 151: Why does my father bother me so much

Yesterday my father visited me after almost 6 months. He came because he has been for last several days present at the nearby Ptuj city annual carnival as official ancient printer and scribe. While he attracts attention with his original long beard, mediaeval black coat and black headgear with feathers, he also carries an iPad in a case that looks like an old book that he made. He came to me with a reason to pick up an old suitcase that he ordered me to collect at city antique shop couple of days ago but also to download the videos that he recorded on the festival since his iPad memory was full. While I emptied his iPad he gave me some money and asked me what I have been up to. When I explained him how I started to network with local action group to start building urban gardens, he reacted as many times before, making clear that he actually does not care what I do as long as I earn enough money to survive.

His attitude towards me makes me angry because I would like to see for my father to respect me and be interested in what I do. However he mostly focuses on his own life and does not care for others very much. Thus also whenever he asks me what I have been doing lately, I already know that it is pointless to say anything because he actually does not want to hear that I am doing any progress in my life. What pleases him the most is hearing that I am struggling because I think that in a way he does not want any competition for attention and that he likes to be in a role of a saviour. When I did analysis how his sins in form of mind patterns transferred to me, I became aware that I also did not care very much for what he was doing. However when I started to show interest for what he does and would occasionally ask him what he has been doing, he would not want to explain it to me. And this is because of his other manipulation tactic because he wants to do things in secret in order to surprise and shock others with the final product, again just for the sake of getting attention. I hate him for being like that and cycling through the same behaviour patterns year after year.

So I have been wondering what to do about him and for me how to transform such patterns that I picked up from him. Several months ago I wrote him that I have decided to completely stop working for him and having any contact and that he should find some other person to assist him with computer related design tasks that I have been performing for him occasionally. But recently he again started to call me and ask me for design assistance. He explained that his designer got sick and that he urgently needs my help due to project deadline. I did restart working for him with expectation that his new designer will take it over when he gets better. But that waiting extended for many weeks and when I asked my father if his designer has already got well, he just mumbled something and I am suspecting that he actually might got in fight with him and that he would rather continue to work with me. Now I wonder if continuation of working for him will again be solidifying my old behaviour patterns that I worked on transforming within me.

Working for my father has some benefits for me since income from my work for him, combined with the monthly social support money is just enough to cover my monthly costs. But that also keeps me in the comfort zone where I have not much interest for doing some greater projects. Somehow this lifestyle fits me quite well since I do not have big responsibilities and provides me with a lot of time for my passion of spending many hours per day discovering even greater secrets of this existence. So in one way I am thankful that my father and I have such symbiotic relationship to support each other's passions. In one way I hate and also envy him for living the words 'ignorance is a bliss' and not giving much care for what is going on outside of his small mind bubble. And in one way I also admire him for being such a hard physical worker, constantly expanding and constructing physical projects, always having enough money and also learning how to benefit from digital technology. While he likes to build with his hands and creating something big from the physical substance, I on the other hand like to live a minimalistic life and create using virtual computer tools. So our field of interest, starting points and ways of expression are quite different, in many ways a direct opposite.

Considering all upsides and downsides of our relationship the biggest question is to what extend should I live aligned with the expectations of the society that family members must have the best relationships between each others and be always willing to assist each other. And I have to decide if keeping working for my father is currently the best way of supporting my development or if it will diminish and limit me at the process of expanding myself. The question is if my desire to live my current way of life is the consequence of being regularly in touch with my father or will I be able to handle all interactions with him without any emotional reactions and triggering past memories and expand anyway? Or would it be the best to again cut off all the connections with my father so that he is completely removed from my mind which would enable me to focus on my process and projects development with greater efficiency?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry about my father because he wants to impress others with what he does. I realise that I am using the same pattern when communicating with my father where I try to impress him with knowledge, information and my latest achievements. I commit myself to when and as I communicate with my father and my mind produces thoughts like: “I must let him know what I have achieved and learned lately so that he can be proud of me.” to stop and breathe. I then continue with assisting him without and desire to impress him or wanting to be more than him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become tired and demotivated in socialising with others with justification that others will not be able to understand how I see this world in many of its dimensions. I realise that feeling of tiredness is the polarity opposite energy that is the consequence of positive emotions of feeling good that I have been striving for. I commit myself to when and as I feel depressed as the result of me allowing the thoughts like: “The world is too complex and there is no point of explaining what I see so best not to even try to explain it.” to stop and breathe. I then decide to live words like: Patience, Humility, Compassion and in graduate steps take enough time to explain to others how I see this reality and what are the solutions for the current problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that some people are beyond the ability to understand and that the best way to deal with them is to cut them off and end any further communication with them. I realise that even to people with very small capacity to understand I can give at least a small piece of information that they would be able to grasp and expand by. I commit myself that when and as I meet someone who seems to have very limited capacity of understanding and my mind goes like: “This person is so dumb that there is no point in wasting any time for trying to explain him anything.” to stop and breathe. I then consider the fact that we are all in this together and that no one is free until we all are free and give the opportunity to anyone that I meet in order for them to benefit from my interaction with them at least in some small way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up due to belief that there is no information received from others that I can totally rely on and share it with others without any danger that after some time it will be proven to be fake. I realise that while any second hand information can be fake, there is a lot of first hand information available and my personal experiences that I can totally rely on and are completely safe to share. I commit myself to when and as I want to assist others with useful information and there are thought popping up like: “Better not to say anything since there is a possibility existing that information is not true and others will accuse me of being a liar and will attack me with everything they got!“ to stop and breathe. I then decide to express my gratitude for being assisted by many individuals with very supportive insights by me equally sharing my perspectives and realisations with others so that the network of support will be able to expand much more and that we will be able to solve the problems of this existence as fast as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live only on public social support money and by doing some occasional work for my father due to believe that there is so much that I must yet learn before I will be able to assist others with sharing useful information and that I must not waste my precious time by doing some job or additional business activities just to get a bit more money. I realise that with what I have became aware of so far I have the potential to assist others greatly and that I can easily turn my helpful activities into business where all my needs will be more than covered. I commit myself to when and as I think about assisting others in a professional way and my mind tries to shut me down with thoughts like: “There is already so many information about everything available via books and internet that it is absolutely no point in adding anything to this already too overwhelming body of information!” to stop and breathe. I then decide to slow down, structure my approach and be as useful as possible for the whole humanity by actively moving in this reality and assisting others as much as I feel that I am capable of.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Sins of the Fathers from Life Review series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 147: Wondering about the meaning of life

In the last several weeks I have been struggling with decision what to do. Obviously there are things that I am able to do in the context of existing in this dimension of time and space via my human physical body. However in terms of taking full responsibility for the long term consequences of every single decision that I make to all existence I am lacking the capacity to see all outflow of events. Not only that, but if I consider other dimensions of existence beyond or outside of this time and space, it is even harder to comprehend the meaning of life. Or even to define what life is and what everything that exist is. It is a philosophical dilemma regarding the core meaning and functioning of existence.

This experience of mine is obviously related to my tendency of wanting to do things perfectly, to do it right, which is also related to the fear of being criticised by others in case of doing something wrong. And the qualities that disable me from doing it right is related to ability of knowing or remembering everything that happened in the past in the whole existence which begs the question why forgetfulness exists, how memory functions, is it actually possible to erase memory and forget and finally, if it is not possible, how is came that I experience something that is actually not possible? How can truth/reality exist while lies/illusion also exist? Because I am becoming tired to hear some information which is presented as truth and after some time it is being exposed as lies and deception. This creates experience in me of being very sad and disappointed about the whole existence of such polarity and I am questioning the purpose of it and the origin of its creation. It is related to so much suffering, pain and destruction. However on the other hand if this is only a temporary experience and just an illusion and projection, like a movie, why giving it much attention since it is not real?

Such questions came to me since I watched several movies where such existential points have been integral part of the script and they obviously carry and important message. The other major influence have been videos by Dave Schmidt where he talks about Annunakis, UFOs, aliens, history of this planet, power of gold, separation, duality, global money system and many other related points from a very detailed and interesting perspectives. Since some information shared are not aligned with other sources, I am here again questioning what information is correct and which is wrong. However due to limited time that I have in this dimension of existence and other limitations, is is very hard to verify all the information and nothing can be trusted, even my own memories that also proved to be inaccurate many times before. So the only think that I can do is to move based on how the existence manifest itself in my close proximity and interact with it using my human physical body or I can decide not to act or do anything at all.

Other component that describe me is patience or lack thereof. Meaning that I want all to be done immediately and when I hit the wall, I go into experience of disappointment and wanting to give up. Basically I experience myself as many entities are pulling myself constantly to all kind of directions, each of them persuading me that their path is the best. So I am asking myself in what direction should I move or what is the point of moving at all considering the possibility that by every movement in any directions I am actually distancing myself from self. Thus, considering that this picture manifested reality is just a projection of illusion that can in fact not exist, why should I participate in it at all. However despite considering not to participate in it, am I able to end it and how, and what will then exist and how will I experience myself and define the meaning of my existence if I actually do end it? Such thinking makes me tired and it create tendency to distract myself with something in order not needing to face with such questions and decision.

Other philosophical question is also the concept of one and many. This relates to conclusion that origin of all the existence is one single point from which many individualised forms of entities separated and came into existence. Thus what is my purpose and existential history as one of such individualised forms of entities any my relationship to the source and other entities that I experience as separated from myself? And then again, if we have come to existence as many from one and are now returning back to one, what is the point of returning if that one will again decide to become many and again create the separation? And finally, how the one came into existence or what is the origin of the one? Is it actually possible to understand the existence or must we accept that there simply are things that no one, even the one is able to understand? Because explanation can only exist in relation to question and using the concepts of space and time. Then also, can a question come to existence if the one who is asking the question does not already know the answer in order to decide if the answer received is truth or false? Since what is the point of asking if the knowing of the truth does not already exist within the one who is asking?

Thus, using logic that everyone of many is part of one, pretending that is separate and forgotten that all is one, thus I see no other option to understand that I am also part of the one and thus the one itself, who has separated into many due to let's say loneliness in order to play or masturbate with itself in the dream and illusion of something that it is fact impossible to exist. And I as the one have also created a opponent, the voices as thoughts of my mind and energies of emotions and feelings that challenge me constantly and try to keep me in this state of delusion as long as I decide not to face them and recognise them also as my own creation. So I am here, facing myself and wondering if I should forgive myself this separation that I am existing in or not. Because what is the point of removing the separation and returning into oneness if I will then become bored again and initiate another cycle of separation? Is it then not best to just keep this separation going and experiencing this dream and make it into something?

But then if I decide to keep and continuously mould this existence of separation, what should I do with it? What again should be the reference point of making any decision? Well, obviously I as current individualised entity as someone in this human physical body do not want to experience any lack and pain. So I will move myself towards defining my strengths and weaknesses and improving them in order to expand my abilities and interacting with others with awareness of equality and oneness. Thus I will be playing this game of lies until all veil of deception fall and the truth will finally become visible to all.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-assisting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audios titled Questioning Life from the Life Review series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 19: Expectations breed excitement and disappoitment

Days 16 to 18 are in my Slovenian blog

Throughout my life I have been doing different things. Every time I discovered something new, I became very excited and wanted to share my findings with others. I explained to others the magnificent details of the things that I found amazing. However in a while I went to the next step by discovering something that was even more exciting than the previous thing. It was like climbing the top of the mountains. Every time I would reach a peak, I would with enthusiasm share the magnificent view from the top, however in time I would discover that there is an ever higher mountain nearby.

In time I learned that I can not possible know how many mountains are still out there in the existence and what mountain is the ultimate in height. Thus I started to share my discoveries with others with less excitement, like I would talk about any other thing. I found out also that even if I would explained my finding to others with biggest enthusiasm, some would not be able to understand the point fully and would not be able to get excited as much as I did. Some would even start to pull me down and claim that I am crazy and that what I found out must be a lie and would not believe it. In that cases I would then become very disappointed, sad and angry.

Similar point has showed up in regards to my business and sales. It is common knowledge that if you are a businessman or salesman, the success of the sales depends upon your belief or understanding about the quality of the product. You have to get excited for the product or service that you are selling. You have the understand the value and the quality of the goods and that customers would be very satisfied if they would possess it. So then you start to explain the benefits of the product to the prospects with excitement and passion with hopes that they would take it. Consequently successful presentation brings joy and happiness and if there are no sales, disappointment, anger and depression appears in ones mind.

However successful businessman and salesman have learned not to swap moods regardless of the result of the sales presentation. With practice one develops the ability of staying emotionally stable on every single occasion. This is achieved by understanding the reality of every single business which is that regardless of how valuable product you have, never will everybody want or be able to buy the product when introduced with the benefits of the product. So every time you try to sell something, there would be some that will buy it and some that would not buy it even if you present with all the glamour in the world. Always there will be acceptance and rejection.

This is so because firstly the purchase power and peoples's interest change during time. For example you might in one occasion present the product to someone and the person would absolutely like and want the product but at that time it would be broke, it would not have enough money to buy it and it would thus decline the purchase. Then in some other occasion, the person that you present the product would have more than enough money to buy your product but would not like it or need it at that time due to different desires or priorities. However the person's interest or priorities or wants and the person's purchase power or the amount of money they currently poses constantly changes.

So the main point in every sales is to be always aware that NO does not mean, NO NEVER, but just NO AT THIS TIME. The same person that currently declined the purchase due to lack of money could soon get enough money and buy the product later. Or some person who has currently no interest in the product could soon become very interested in it due to change in it's life circumstances. Thus it is important to always accept this reality and never get to excited in someone buys the product and especially never get angry and create resentment towards the person who currently does not buy the product. It is best to every single time allow the prospect to say NO without any bad feelings.

Based on this realization it is suggested to at the beginning of presentation to clearly express to the prospect that it is OK to say NO, that you really do not care if they say YES or NO and that you will be just fine and in total acceptance with any decision about the purchase that they made at the end. And this is not best only in sales but in any single situation in life. Even in personal relationships with others you experience acceptances and rejections. So it is generally in all times suggested to always be aware of the fact that sometimes the answer is YES and sometimes is NO. And in each case you are to fully accept the reality, understand that there are substantial reasons for that decision and that by not accepting the reality you just harm yourself by creating the energy of the good or bad feelings in you mind.