Day 169: A true origin of my sadness exposed

It has been around 20 years since I started the journey of self-discovery and over 8 years since I have been walking the process of self-perfection by writing blogs and recording vlogs. However, during this process, I have not felt the increase in my awareness in relation to what I have accepted and allowed to become. Meaning during the process I did look at the past events where I have abdicated my self-responsibility and committed to correct myself. However, I have until recently not felt such shame as I am feeling now. Also in past decades, I felt some sort of undefined sadness that has been noticeable from my facial expression in form of dark baggy eyes. Until recently I assumed that the sadness was about all the traumatic events that I have experienced in my past. However, I see now that what I am actually sad about is what I have allowed and accepted in my life. As far I can remember, I have defined myself as a good person that does not want to harm anybody and that all that happened to me had nothing to do with who I am. I claimed that I am an innocent victim and punished by life for no reason. Boy oh boy was I wrong!

I see my childhood as quite pleasant, with memories of just a couple of unpleasant events. Now the problem with the memories is how we tend to remember mostly bad things and disregard all the good stuff. And it was exactly the same with me. All the abundance, safety, and love that my parent provided I just took for granted. That is what made me turn into a spoiled brat. I understand that my over-protective environment played a role in that but boy it took a long time for me to understand how much spoiled I have become. I and my brother lived for many years in a safe family bubble where were provided by our father with the latest gadgetry. Computers and television then contributed for me to sink into an even more deceptive bubble of virtual reality where I have played god and attacked other from. All the images, especially porn, created layers of energetic addictions. Thus whenever I faced challenges, instead of facing and understanding them, I took refuge in the alternative worlds of emotional and orgasmic experiences. That took me in such separation of life that I am just slowly becoming aware of the real depth of my demise.

Now that I am experiencing some kind of quantum leap in my awareness, I am having a great challenge in deciding what to do. I do not want to be the self-centered spoiled kid anymore, however, I see that such tendencies are still a part of me and it will still take time for me to transform my behavior patterns and energetic addictions. I feel like a heavy train that has been driving towards the cliff with full speed. I have become aware of the cliff and have hit the brakes, however, it will take the train some time to stop completely due to inertia.

I see for example how a photography at first glance is an innocent art that started to become my passion already at my young age. However, one perspective using photography is to manifest points of separation. When looking through the viewfinder, a photographer positions himself on 'the other side of the lens' where all that matters is a framed composition of visual elements in a moment. A photographer does not need to care about what events lead to the current state of reality and what will be the outflow of events in the future. The trapped moment of time is then observed over and over again in form of a photo and in many cases, a deep emotional bond is created to that picture. A photo is an attempt to stop the time and create an experience of eternity. Generally when taking a photo one does not ask or needs to ask for a permission to take a snapshot. So it is also much like stealing something from someone. And also within such stealing, one is being very careful to compose all the shapes and colors with the starting point to entice as strong emotional reaction from the observers of the photo as possible. Sure photography can also function as evidence of past events however generally it functions as an attempt to control something or to gain something.

A camera has played a role of the protective shield also in my life for many years. I have been hiding behind the lens and also behind a TV and computer screen for too long. For so long that I have lost the interest in doing much of the physical work. Because using computer things move much faster and the physical reality takes much more time to manifest. This is why I have also become impatient and restless, constantly needing some pictures, sounds, and information to fill my mind and keep me entertained. For physical labor, I defined myself as someone who is overqualified and would waste my potentials if I engage in some kind of job that does not require a lot of intellectual skills. Consequently, I am keeping myself trapped in computer-related jobs that create a strain on my physical body due to long periods of keeping myself in a sitting position. Sadly it is also the money that influences my business decisions since most of the highest paid jobs are now also related to using computers. On the other hand, the information age is also connecting us again, thought externally, but is enabling us a reflection of what is going on in our minds and serves as a beneficial projection of our internal reality. So the key is to make the best of all this mess and to figure out how to create a future where we would not be enslaved and separate anymore by our own creation.

What I am also dealing with here is a chicken and egg situation. I am quite satisfied with being single and do not have a need to be in a relationship with someone to be happy. So I am asking myself if this is something that is the true nature of my being or a consequence of my upbringing. I see how much I am like my father and have wondered how much of what I am are personalities that I have copied from him as a child. Or it could be just that my father and I have similar nature of our beingnesses that both like to work alone and would not change much regardless of the environment. Well, all that I can do is to continue my process of identifying the points of separation within me and to move towards creating the future based on the principle of what is best for all. It is up to me to challenge and expand myself but to be at the same time careful not to overwhelm myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my life to be directed mostly by the energies of good emotions and bad feelings instead of directing myself as life as one and equal. I commit myself to stop all the energy addictions and to direct myself based on the principle of what is best for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see other being only as their picture manifestation. And then also comparing them to ideals of perfection and judging any visual imperfection instead of treating them as one and equal as who I am as life. I realize that everything that I am able to observe with my human physical eyes is much more than I am able to see and understand that we are all an equal part of this existence. Thus I commit myself to when and as I am looking at someone and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look at this and that imperfection on their face and their body and how they dress!” to stop and breathe. I then place myself into the body of the person that I observe and understand how my life would be if I would be in their body and to have their life experience. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to observe women mostly from the perspective of how a sexual experience with them would be. I realize that I have been conditioned by years of watching porn where I have started to associate the appearance of a woman with experience of orgasm. Thus I commit myself to when and as I want to experience a physical orgasm and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look at some woman or a picture of a woman or imagine a woman during masturbation since you will experience the energy of orgasm quicker!” to stop and breathe. I commit myself to practice masturbation only as an act of my physical body self-expression within the realization that I do not need to imagine anything let alone having to include any other body to experience an orgasm. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I interact with others for my actions to have the starting point of wanting to impress others in order for them to admire me and then to feel good about myself. I realize how self-centered my interactions with others have been since I mostly wanted to impress others using advance knowledge and information and also other skills that I have gathered. Thus I commit myself to when and as I interact with other and my mind is producing thought like: “Just think what great information will you tell them in order to impress them and prove that you know more than they do!” to stop and breathe. I then communicate with others from the starting point of equality, share the information that is relevant to them or ask them questions in order to find out how they feel and if there is anything that I can assist them with. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a perfectionist and to become angry about myself every single time when I notice some imperfection about myself. I realize that tendency towards the perfection is a projection of not accepting myself as who I am as my physical body, mind and the being that all have its limitations and do change over time. Thus I commit myself to when and as I see something about myself and my mind is producing thoughts like: “You should have done or looked like this instead of that!” to stop and breathe. I then within the realization that everything is changing and that nothing will ever fit the complete criteria of someone's imagination do my best to strive towards my goals but also fully accept how I am and how I perform at this very moment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself and compete with others where I wanted to prove that I know much more than others and can do things better than others for the sake of feeling good. I realize that self-perfection is supportive however we all have different preconditions, different environments, different bodies, different minds, different beings and can not perfect self by comparing ourselves to others. Thus I commit myself to when and as I observe others and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look at this guy or girl and what they have achieved!” to stop and breathe. I then consider only my original and current state of everything that I currently am an have achieved and continue to perfect self in relation only to my own life path. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I observe others how they struggle and experience discomfort and pain to feel good about myself. I realize that any energetic movement within myself when observing others how they suffer is a manifestation of pure evil and separation. Thus I commit myself to when and as I see others in a problematic situation and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look how funny they are when they suffer!” to stop and breathe. I then immediately place myself in the position of the individual that I observe and understand that I could equally be in the same position as they are. I then also see what I can do to diminish the suffering that others endure since we are all in this together.

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Day 147: Wondering about the meaning of life

In the last several weeks I have been struggling with decision what to do. Obviously there are things that I am able to do in the context of existing in this dimension of time and space via my human physical body. However in terms of taking full responsibility for the long term consequences of every single decision that I make to all existence I am lacking the capacity to see all outflow of events. Not only that, but if I consider other dimensions of existence beyond or outside of this time and space, it is even harder to comprehend the meaning of life. Or even to define what life is and what everything that exist is. It is a philosophical dilemma regarding the core meaning and functioning of existence.

This experience of mine is obviously related to my tendency of wanting to do things perfectly, to do it right, which is also related to the fear of being criticised by others in case of doing something wrong. And the qualities that disable me from doing it right is related to ability of knowing or remembering everything that happened in the past in the whole existence which begs the question why forgetfulness exists, how memory functions, is it actually possible to erase memory and forget and finally, if it is not possible, how is came that I experience something that is actually not possible? How can truth/reality exist while lies/illusion also exist? Because I am becoming tired to hear some information which is presented as truth and after some time it is being exposed as lies and deception. This creates experience in me of being very sad and disappointed about the whole existence of such polarity and I am questioning the purpose of it and the origin of its creation. It is related to so much suffering, pain and destruction. However on the other hand if this is only a temporary experience and just an illusion and projection, like a movie, why giving it much attention since it is not real?

Such questions came to me since I watched several movies where such existential points have been integral part of the script and they obviously carry and important message. The other major influence have been videos by Dave Schmidt where he talks about Annunakis, UFOs, aliens, history of this planet, power of gold, separation, duality, global money system and many other related points from a very detailed and interesting perspectives. Since some information shared are not aligned with other sources, I am here again questioning what information is correct and which is wrong. However due to limited time that I have in this dimension of existence and other limitations, is is very hard to verify all the information and nothing can be trusted, even my own memories that also proved to be inaccurate many times before. So the only think that I can do is to move based on how the existence manifest itself in my close proximity and interact with it using my human physical body or I can decide not to act or do anything at all.

Other component that describe me is patience or lack thereof. Meaning that I want all to be done immediately and when I hit the wall, I go into experience of disappointment and wanting to give up. Basically I experience myself as many entities are pulling myself constantly to all kind of directions, each of them persuading me that their path is the best. So I am asking myself in what direction should I move or what is the point of moving at all considering the possibility that by every movement in any directions I am actually distancing myself from self. Thus, considering that this picture manifested reality is just a projection of illusion that can in fact not exist, why should I participate in it at all. However despite considering not to participate in it, am I able to end it and how, and what will then exist and how will I experience myself and define the meaning of my existence if I actually do end it? Such thinking makes me tired and it create tendency to distract myself with something in order not needing to face with such questions and decision.

Other philosophical question is also the concept of one and many. This relates to conclusion that origin of all the existence is one single point from which many individualised forms of entities separated and came into existence. Thus what is my purpose and existential history as one of such individualised forms of entities any my relationship to the source and other entities that I experience as separated from myself? And then again, if we have come to existence as many from one and are now returning back to one, what is the point of returning if that one will again decide to become many and again create the separation? And finally, how the one came into existence or what is the origin of the one? Is it actually possible to understand the existence or must we accept that there simply are things that no one, even the one is able to understand? Because explanation can only exist in relation to question and using the concepts of space and time. Then also, can a question come to existence if the one who is asking the question does not already know the answer in order to decide if the answer received is truth or false? Since what is the point of asking if the knowing of the truth does not already exist within the one who is asking?

Thus, using logic that everyone of many is part of one, pretending that is separate and forgotten that all is one, thus I see no other option to understand that I am also part of the one and thus the one itself, who has separated into many due to let's say loneliness in order to play or masturbate with itself in the dream and illusion of something that it is fact impossible to exist. And I as the one have also created a opponent, the voices as thoughts of my mind and energies of emotions and feelings that challenge me constantly and try to keep me in this state of delusion as long as I decide not to face them and recognise them also as my own creation. So I am here, facing myself and wondering if I should forgive myself this separation that I am existing in or not. Because what is the point of removing the separation and returning into oneness if I will then become bored again and initiate another cycle of separation? Is it then not best to just keep this separation going and experiencing this dream and make it into something?

But then if I decide to keep and continuously mould this existence of separation, what should I do with it? What again should be the reference point of making any decision? Well, obviously I as current individualised entity as someone in this human physical body do not want to experience any lack and pain. So I will move myself towards defining my strengths and weaknesses and improving them in order to expand my abilities and interacting with others with awareness of equality and oneness. Thus I will be playing this game of lies until all veil of deception fall and the truth will finally become visible to all.

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2011 - Dream about innocence, unconscious mind and self-responsibility

I had a dream tonight, about 5am, a night mare I can say, where I have been fighting the concept of innocence, conscious and unconscious mind and self-responsibility. I remember Sunette to be in the dream, and also Bernard. While I was lying on my bad and having this dream, I noticed how a vertigo started to emerge in my head and then I experienced a great urge to go to toilet. Despite my head spinning a bit, I managed to reach the toilet where I took a shit and piss. I did not experience any urge to vomit as usual when I experience vertigo. When I returned to my room, I drank some water. Then I went to bed and the temperature of my body increased and I started to sweat heavily. Again I experienced a great urge to take a shit, even greater than before, so I ran to toilet and a lot of shit came out of me and I was surprised that I still had so much shit in me. While taking a shit, this time a strong nausea also appeared, and I experienced immediate strong urge to vomit. So I immediately turned over, without having time to wipe my shitty ass, and emptied my stomach. It was mostly water that I drank before, but anyway. After that I felt pretty relieved and I went back to bed while still experiencing vertigo. Slowly the temperature of my body dropped and my head stabilized. Then I had a dream with some girl on the farm. We were in the mountains, where there were some caves with crystal clear water and very small, but deep lakes, and we were jumping in the water with a small dog and were diving naked and I observed the water surface from deep below the water. I slept till about 8am and then took a shower, since my head became stable enough to walk. While returning to my room I met Bernard and then I explained him the concept of my dream in the kitchen. He and Sunette commented on my experience and Bernard suggested me to write the dream and correct it in terms of taking self-responsibility, as he has done the same many times in regards to his dreams. Now to details of first and main dream.

Within dream I faced the memories where Bernard spoke with me, a few times with very strong energy, and introduced me to the perspective of myself that was mind-blowing. The first thing was that I was not allowed to us the lack of memory as excuse for what I have done in the past. And that included my past lives also on other planets. Then there were memories of points where Bernard, Sunette and other handled the physical pain and interpretations of the system that cause that pain. Observing these events made me think that there are dimensions of reality that I am unable to see, however they are suppose to be the manifestations of my subconscious and unconscious creation. So in the dream, I fought with these objectives where I was to take responsibility for something that I can not understand and see consciously. My justification was that I may be held responsible only for actions that are manifestations of my conscious mind, and not subconscious and unconscious. I tried to project blame towards Bernard ad Sunette, since I was not able to comprehend and have the same experience and understanding as they have. I was to be left alone and not charged with the crimes that I did not commit consciously.

But the fact is, that I was explained how mind works and that I am in every moment directed by thoughts that are automatically produced by my mind, which is my own creation due to long-lasting allowed and accepted accumulation of information and definitions. In time I have created this energetic entity of personality that has started to suppress me to the level where I almost completely diminished. Even though mind-consciousness system has been constructed in very subtle and deceptive way, it is still my responsibility for every moment when I participated in it. It was me who allowed to follow the thoughts and thus making them alive with my energy of attention. And since I was explained how I am in fact responsible for creating my ego personality, I can no longer be innocent. Thus I am no longer allowed to have the backchat without consequences. I need to stop any movement of the mind, breathe effectively and be here in the physical. Any projections of the past memories or thinking about the future without me actually directing the thoughts is not acceptable. However this is hard to be done due to my ego personality becoming so strong and infused with my physical, that I experience great unconscious physical fear that manifests as vertigo, heat, nausea and vomiting. However there is no other way to survive but to push myself through all of this, breathe through all uncomfortable physical experiences until I eventually birth myself as life as one and equal with all from the physical. I can not exist in this reality without becoming one with it and direct myself towards what is best for all living beings that are part of this reality. I can no longer exist as separate entity, only as observer, protecting only my self-interest and not giving a damn for others. The illusion of my individual mind-reality has to burst and be destroyed once and for all. It was the concept that could not stand the test of time in the first place. Existence can only be if all parts are aware of the full consequence of their actions, and direct themselves towards full support of all other parts of existence. Thus I as one part of existence need to take full responsibility of every single thought, feeling, emotion, voice or physical action, and support every single being as myself or I must no longer exist. No one that has any kind of intention to harm others will not be allowed to exist. So, this life is everyone's last opportunity to correct itself or to end its existence at physical death.

Self-forgiveness statements:

1. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the feeling of envy towards Bernard, Sunette and other for possessing ability to experience, see and understand the systems and dimensions, instead of realizing that these abilities come with great responsibility that I can not even imagine, and that possessing certain abilities has nothing to do with self-realization, and is not the requirement or indicator of self-realization, since it is about all living being in this existence to self-realize together, as equal and one.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel pity for myself due to experiencing vertigo, instead of realizing that this is the consequence of my past participation in the mind and that I need to handle it as release of all energy that I have compounded through the time.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel uncomfortable when someone would ignore me due to expectation of everyone on the farm to treat me as one and equal, instead of stopping my desire to be noticed, understanding that how others react has nothing to do with me, and that it is my responsibility to be stable within, regardless where I am and who is in my presence.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed for other to see me how I vomit, have vertigo and similar conditions due to my desire of being perfect and wanting to present myself to others as perfect, instead of realizing that I am far from perfection, that I am separated from all life extensively, and that I will need to walk a long path and experience all sort of accumulated consequence in order to actually become self-realized.
   
   
5. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others for not being perfect, constantly observing everyone and noticing any mistake, instead of realizing that judging others is in fact self-judgement, and that I need to accept others as one and understand that we are all in the same process, and that it will take a lot of time for everyone to gain perfection in terms of self-expression as one and equal with every living being.
   
   
6. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to comprehend the thinking in term of voices in my head to be equally valid as speaking, instead of realizing that allowing and accepting any undirected voice in my head is the result of separation and will result only in abuse, thus it must be stopped immediately.
   
   
7. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for wanting to be special, caring only about my own self-realization and ignoring others, instead of realizing that self-realization is in fact the realization that we are all one and equal, all interconnected and interdependent and that self-realization can only be achieved if we all support each other in realizing this fact.
   
   
8. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel good if someone else gets hurt and experiences pain and interpreting this as their deserved punishment, instead of realizing that many of pain that other experience is the result of my creation and thus I am responsible for it, so I need to help others equally as myself in order to sort out this shit that I have allowed and accepted, otherwise it will turn back to me sooner or later.
   
   
9. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others, instead of realizing the fear of others is actually fear of myself due to accepted and allowed abuse in this world and not taking self-responsibility for doing anything practical to assist in solving the problems that all living being experience in this moment.
   
   
10. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to speak out loud and expressing myself vocally due to lack of my self-esteem, instead of realizing that communicating vocally as physical is necessary and only valid way of communication in order to fully express my every single perspective and not using secret mind, as the mind is the place of deception and abuse, thus every single thought has to be spoken out loud for everyone to hear and not be afraid of any more abuse from my side.
    
    
11. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am pretty much enlightened, instead of realizing that I am full of fear of others, constantly fearing to be hurt or to loose my money and property, thus in my secret mind I attack, abuse and destroy others as first in order not to give them any chance to harm me in any way.
    
    
12. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am totally cool and ok, intend of realizing that I am a very nasty and deceptive fucker, who use intelligence and knowledge to protect self-interest and leave others in deep shit.
    
    
13. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the feeling of hate towards myself for being the nastiest fucker, intend of realizing that I have to accept myself firstly the way I am, and then immediately utilize the tools of self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to remove all the bullshit that I have accepted and allowed in my life.
    
    
14. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that everyone is self-responsible for current life experience, and taking care only for my satisfaction, instead of realizing that this perception is a White Light deception that creates illusion of everyone being separated and without any influence and need for responsibility towards others, but in fact we are all interconnected and we all influence each other thus we all are equal responsible for current situation in the word.
    
    
15. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek approval of others and fearing judgement of others due to lack of uncertainty, instead of realizing that I others can not baby-sit me for ever, and that I need to stand up and take self-responsibility by utilizing common sense, basic equality equation and principle that is "1+1=2" and "What is best for all".
    
    
16. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait for others to tell me what to do, instead of realizing that there is enough shit in the world that need to be cleared, thus I need to stand up for all life and direct myself in every moment towards making this world a better place.
    
    
17. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lazy and the feeling of tiredness, since tiredness comes from participation in the mind and perception of separation, instead of realizing that by breathing effectively and being aware of all fuckness that currently exists in the world, I am able to motivate myself towards actively participating in co-creating heaven on earth.
    
    
18. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself that I do not do enough to bring a change in this word, instead of realizing that the process will need a lot of time and that firstly I need to take care of myself and become a stable point, and then only will I be able to move faster and more effectively.

Self-corrective application:

1. When I notice that someone has some abilities, different from mine, I do not allow myself to compare myself with others, I breathe and remain here, since we have all different appearances and expressions, but are all the same as life.
   
   
2. When I experience any physical reaction, I understand that in that moment I can do nothing but to remain calm and breathe through, since it is all just a matter of time until it will go away.
   
   
3. When I meet other people, I do not expect from them to react in any particular way. I accept any reaction as their own creation and responsibility. I breathe and remain calm and do not allow for any emotion, word or act of others to influence me in any way whatsoever.
   
   
4. When I see people in trouble and distress, I consider them as one and equal and assist and help them to overcome their problems, without allowing any energetic movements before, during and after assistance.
   
   
5. When I notice my mind move, I immediately stop my participation in my mind. I breathe and focus on what is physically here, since the physical is the only valid reality. If the voices in my head are persistent, I assist myself with writhing, do mind construct, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.
   
   
6. When I communicate with other people, I make sure that my mind does not move, and then I push myself to speak directly and clearly as me as the physical.
   
   
7. When I feel tired I consider other people in the world who live in scarcity, hunger and war and push myself to be active in birthing myself as the physical and supporting equality system that will enable dignified life for all living beings in this world.
   
   
8. When I don't know what to do, I apply mathematical equation 1+1=2, common sense, principle of what is best for all, and ask the members of equality group to establish which way to move myself.
   
   
9. When I want to hurry and become impatient, I slow myself down, breathe, remain here and support myself to firstly be a stable point, and then only act towards making this world a better place.

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