Day 178: Nature of my comfort zone

While returning to offering my personal business services I have been facing many doubts, fears, and desires. This is why I had problems even with defining what services to offer or if I should start with a broader spectrum of services or be as focused on one as possible. And even if I should restart the services that I have not been offering in the past or do something that would more fit my personality, skill set and goals. Previously I have been offering graphic and web designs, photography, and counseling services, however, I am attracted also to professions, like a private investigator, movie director, and writer. Thus I am looking at how to get the most of my experiences while being careful not to get into a situation that is too demanding for me to handle.

Recently I had a couple of talks with my ex-flatmate where I have realized how much my family environment shaped me. And how I despite years of walking the process of personal transformation there is still a root personality character directing my life. Thus I feel like I am in a hypnotic or a dreamlike state where things that I want to achieve are out of my reach. Or like I have no capacity or tools to do what I want because there is certain kind of energies that pull me down whenever I want to reach up to the surface of the lake that I have been pushed in. I can boil down the description of my current main personality into the following points:

1. I am the oldest son that has to be an example to my younger brother and I am not allowed to make any mistakes or I will be yelled at by my short-tempered father.
   
   
2. My father will provide me with everything that I need to survive so the most important objective is to keep my father happy in order to guarantee my survival.
   
   
3. I have to organize my life in such a way that I can respond to my father as soon as possible when and as he calls me and needs me to do something.
   
   
4. My creative opinion is not important because all that counts is that my design please my father despite my collaboration with him resulting in bad designs.
   
   
5. Relationships between me and others are not important because what matters is only that I am maintaining a good relationship with my father.
   
   
6. Having my girlfriend or children is not something that my father has expressed that he would like to see so it is just fine with him if I remain single.
   
   
7. My father craves to be recognized by others and to be in the center of attention thus I must not do anything that would take full attention away from him.
   
   
8. Whenever I do my own projects I am criticized and ridiculed bor that by my father so it is best to do only what my father tells me to and nothing else.
   
   
9. Stopping working for my father and doing something else is not an option since my main purpose of existence is to serve him as long as he lives.
   

So these are my believes that drive my life, sabotage my self-expression and prevent me from doing what is best for all life. A while ago I did cut all my communications and stopped working for my father however after some time I reestablished a former relationship with him. It is hard for me to work independently because I have not been taught and encouraged to take care of myself and to establish personal and business relationships with others. While I did become a sole entrepreneur in the year 2000 and have worked on many different projects with others, it still feels for me very strange and unnatural. It is hard for me to decide what to do because I live in a fear that whatever I do I will be judged and criticized by others in the same manner that my father does. Thus my mode of living is keeping a very low profile, doing as little as possible to survive and avoid any conflict.

I did manage to break out of these limitations and I am pushing myself to become a more independent individual that is not so attached to what my father wants and thinks. Also by continuing the Structural Resonance Alignment course which is part of Desteni I Process courses, I will continue to be break free from these patterns in order to be a more supportive part of life in this world. And these are some related audios form the Eqafe website that I recommend to those who also struggle with similar issues:

Bursting Your Bubble of Comfort
Comfort Zones and Dependency
Lost Myself in Relationships
The Dependence of Independency
My life of Co-Dependency

Day 151: Why does my father bother me so much

Yesterday my father visited me after almost 6 months. He came because he has been for last several days present at the nearby Ptuj city annual carnival as official ancient printer and scribe. While he attracts attention with his original long beard, mediaeval black coat and black headgear with feathers, he also carries an iPad in a case that looks like an old book that he made. He came to me with a reason to pick up an old suitcase that he ordered me to collect at city antique shop couple of days ago but also to download the videos that he recorded on the festival since his iPad memory was full. While I emptied his iPad he gave me some money and asked me what I have been up to. When I explained him how I started to network with local action group to start building urban gardens, he reacted as many times before, making clear that he actually does not care what I do as long as I earn enough money to survive.

His attitude towards me makes me angry because I would like to see for my father to respect me and be interested in what I do. However he mostly focuses on his own life and does not care for others very much. Thus also whenever he asks me what I have been doing lately, I already know that it is pointless to say anything because he actually does not want to hear that I am doing any progress in my life. What pleases him the most is hearing that I am struggling because I think that in a way he does not want any competition for attention and that he likes to be in a role of a saviour. When I did analysis how his sins in form of mind patterns transferred to me, I became aware that I also did not care very much for what he was doing. However when I started to show interest for what he does and would occasionally ask him what he has been doing, he would not want to explain it to me. And this is because of his other manipulation tactic because he wants to do things in secret in order to surprise and shock others with the final product, again just for the sake of getting attention. I hate him for being like that and cycling through the same behaviour patterns year after year.

So I have been wondering what to do about him and for me how to transform such patterns that I picked up from him. Several months ago I wrote him that I have decided to completely stop working for him and having any contact and that he should find some other person to assist him with computer related design tasks that I have been performing for him occasionally. But recently he again started to call me and ask me for design assistance. He explained that his designer got sick and that he urgently needs my help due to project deadline. I did restart working for him with expectation that his new designer will take it over when he gets better. But that waiting extended for many weeks and when I asked my father if his designer has already got well, he just mumbled something and I am suspecting that he actually might got in fight with him and that he would rather continue to work with me. Now I wonder if continuation of working for him will again be solidifying my old behaviour patterns that I worked on transforming within me.

Working for my father has some benefits for me since income from my work for him, combined with the monthly social support money is just enough to cover my monthly costs. But that also keeps me in the comfort zone where I have not much interest for doing some greater projects. Somehow this lifestyle fits me quite well since I do not have big responsibilities and provides me with a lot of time for my passion of spending many hours per day discovering even greater secrets of this existence. So in one way I am thankful that my father and I have such symbiotic relationship to support each other's passions. In one way I hate and also envy him for living the words 'ignorance is a bliss' and not giving much care for what is going on outside of his small mind bubble. And in one way I also admire him for being such a hard physical worker, constantly expanding and constructing physical projects, always having enough money and also learning how to benefit from digital technology. While he likes to build with his hands and creating something big from the physical substance, I on the other hand like to live a minimalistic life and create using virtual computer tools. So our field of interest, starting points and ways of expression are quite different, in many ways a direct opposite.

Considering all upsides and downsides of our relationship the biggest question is to what extend should I live aligned with the expectations of the society that family members must have the best relationships between each others and be always willing to assist each other. And I have to decide if keeping working for my father is currently the best way of supporting my development or if it will diminish and limit me at the process of expanding myself. The question is if my desire to live my current way of life is the consequence of being regularly in touch with my father or will I be able to handle all interactions with him without any emotional reactions and triggering past memories and expand anyway? Or would it be the best to again cut off all the connections with my father so that he is completely removed from my mind which would enable me to focus on my process and projects development with greater efficiency?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry about my father because he wants to impress others with what he does. I realise that I am using the same pattern when communicating with my father where I try to impress him with knowledge, information and my latest achievements. I commit myself to when and as I communicate with my father and my mind produces thoughts like: “I must let him know what I have achieved and learned lately so that he can be proud of me.” to stop and breathe. I then continue with assisting him without and desire to impress him or wanting to be more than him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become tired and demotivated in socialising with others with justification that others will not be able to understand how I see this world in many of its dimensions. I realise that feeling of tiredness is the polarity opposite energy that is the consequence of positive emotions of feeling good that I have been striving for. I commit myself to when and as I feel depressed as the result of me allowing the thoughts like: “The world is too complex and there is no point of explaining what I see so best not to even try to explain it.” to stop and breathe. I then decide to live words like: Patience, Humility, Compassion and in graduate steps take enough time to explain to others how I see this reality and what are the solutions for the current problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that some people are beyond the ability to understand and that the best way to deal with them is to cut them off and end any further communication with them. I realise that even to people with very small capacity to understand I can give at least a small piece of information that they would be able to grasp and expand by. I commit myself that when and as I meet someone who seems to have very limited capacity of understanding and my mind goes like: “This person is so dumb that there is no point in wasting any time for trying to explain him anything.” to stop and breathe. I then consider the fact that we are all in this together and that no one is free until we all are free and give the opportunity to anyone that I meet in order for them to benefit from my interaction with them at least in some small way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up due to belief that there is no information received from others that I can totally rely on and share it with others without any danger that after some time it will be proven to be fake. I realise that while any second hand information can be fake, there is a lot of first hand information available and my personal experiences that I can totally rely on and are completely safe to share. I commit myself to when and as I want to assist others with useful information and there are thought popping up like: “Better not to say anything since there is a possibility existing that information is not true and others will accuse me of being a liar and will attack me with everything they got!“ to stop and breathe. I then decide to express my gratitude for being assisted by many individuals with very supportive insights by me equally sharing my perspectives and realisations with others so that the network of support will be able to expand much more and that we will be able to solve the problems of this existence as fast as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live only on public social support money and by doing some occasional work for my father due to believe that there is so much that I must yet learn before I will be able to assist others with sharing useful information and that I must not waste my precious time by doing some job or additional business activities just to get a bit more money. I realise that with what I have became aware of so far I have the potential to assist others greatly and that I can easily turn my helpful activities into business where all my needs will be more than covered. I commit myself to when and as I think about assisting others in a professional way and my mind tries to shut me down with thoughts like: “There is already so many information about everything available via books and internet that it is absolutely no point in adding anything to this already too overwhelming body of information!” to stop and breathe. I then decide to slow down, structure my approach and be as useful as possible for the whole humanity by actively moving in this reality and assisting others as much as I feel that I am capable of.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Sins of the Fathers from Life Review series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.