Day 178: Nature of my comfort zone

While returning to offering my personal business services I have been facing many doubts, fears, and desires. This is why I had problems even with defining what services to offer or if I should start with a broader spectrum of services or be as focused on one as possible. And even if I should restart the services that I have not been offering in the past or do something that would more fit my personality, skill set and goals. Previously I have been offering graphic and web designs, photography, and counseling services, however, I am attracted also to professions, like a private investigator, movie director, and writer. Thus I am looking at how to get the most of my experiences while being careful not to get into a situation that is too demanding for me to handle.

Recently I had a couple of talks with my ex-flatmate where I have realized how much my family environment shaped me. And how I despite years of walking the process of personal transformation there is still a root personality character directing my life. Thus I feel like I am in a hypnotic or a dreamlike state where things that I want to achieve are out of my reach. Or like I have no capacity or tools to do what I want because there is certain kind of energies that pull me down whenever I want to reach up to the surface of the lake that I have been pushed in. I can boil down the description of my current main personality into the following points:

1. I am the oldest son that has to be an example to my younger brother and I am not allowed to make any mistakes or I will be yelled at by my short-tempered father.
   
   
2. My father will provide me with everything that I need to survive so the most important objective is to keep my father happy in order to guarantee my survival.
   
   
3. I have to organize my life in such a way that I can respond to my father as soon as possible when and as he calls me and needs me to do something.
   
   
4. My creative opinion is not important because all that counts is that my design please my father despite my collaboration with him resulting in bad designs.
   
   
5. Relationships between me and others are not important because what matters is only that I am maintaining a good relationship with my father.
   
   
6. Having my girlfriend or children is not something that my father has expressed that he would like to see so it is just fine with him if I remain single.
   
   
7. My father craves to be recognized by others and to be in the center of attention thus I must not do anything that would take full attention away from him.
   
   
8. Whenever I do my own projects I am criticized and ridiculed bor that by my father so it is best to do only what my father tells me to and nothing else.
   
   
9. Stopping working for my father and doing something else is not an option since my main purpose of existence is to serve him as long as he lives.
   

So these are my believes that drive my life, sabotage my self-expression and prevent me from doing what is best for all life. A while ago I did cut all my communications and stopped working for my father however after some time I reestablished a former relationship with him. It is hard for me to work independently because I have not been taught and encouraged to take care of myself and to establish personal and business relationships with others. While I did become a sole entrepreneur in the year 2000 and have worked on many different projects with others, it still feels for me very strange and unnatural. It is hard for me to decide what to do because I live in a fear that whatever I do I will be judged and criticized by others in the same manner that my father does. Thus my mode of living is keeping a very low profile, doing as little as possible to survive and avoid any conflict.

I did manage to break out of these limitations and I am pushing myself to become a more independent individual that is not so attached to what my father wants and thinks. Also by continuing the Structural Resonance Alignment course which is part of Desteni I Process courses, I will continue to be break free from these patterns in order to be a more supportive part of life in this world. And these are some related audios form the Eqafe website that I recommend to those who also struggle with similar issues:

Bursting Your Bubble of Comfort
Comfort Zones and Dependency
Lost Myself in Relationships
The Dependence of Independency
My life of Co-Dependency