24 January 2017

Day 146: Self-criticism of my belly

Several years ago when I used to do a lot of mountain biking, my friend and I took a trip with our mountain bikes to the nearby Stol (Chair) mountain. During the downhill we stopped in the forest for a short rest and I asked him if he can take a picture from the side with me posing on my bike. After I downloaded the picture and looked at it on my computer my belly took most of my attention since it was like protruding forward and it did not looked attractive to me like I imagined it would. My goal was to give an elegant pose but I was ashamed of my posture the way it looked on the picture . So I did not post this photo on social media because I thought that others would criticise me.

After that I have for many times occasionally observed my belly in the mirror and wondered how I usually look from the side to the other people. I wanted my belly to be nice and attractive, especially to girls, of course. In many movies there are scenes where girls admire six-pacs of the guys and how it is suppose to be sexy. However I recently also stumbled on one article that explains how most of the women like men with the bigger bellies however I am not sure if they explained why. There is also a character of Santa Claus that has a big belly and is associated with a kind personality. And my father also has a big belly and he used to joke that a responsible lord has to keep his tools under the roof. There was also one viral video that showed a guy with big round protruding belly who hit it with his palm fast and it turned into a six-pacs. This obviously demonstrated that also bodybuilders are able to relax the belly muscles so that it looks protruded and round and when they decide to expose their six-pacs, they have to make an effort to activate their belly muscles. I also wondered if my spine has deformed in a more obvious S shape since I have been sleeping on my belly from my early childhood. Despite of all this worries about how my belly could look in the eyes of others, I never gave it much attention like becoming obsessed with going to gym or wanting to have a six-pacs to impress girls. However it does somehow persist in my subconscious mind and it influences my self-image.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to have a six-pacs in order to become attractive and get girls. I realise that I had several girls and none of them complained about my belly. And as some research explained, some girls prefer big bellies oven plain ones or even six-pacs. I commit myself to when and as I observe a photo of me where my belly is protruding and my mind produces thoughts like: “Look at that big ugly belly! You should be ashamed of it and if you will do nothing about it, you will not be able to attract any girls.” to stop and breathe. I then continue to observe the photo of me and not allowing any emotional reaction to take over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my belly to bellies of other people, especially those who are actors in the movies and models in the fashion magazines. I realise that movies and magazines tend to promote a certain ideal of beauty and physical perfection and ignore the fact that humans come in various and very different shapes and sizes. I commit myself to when and as I observe myself on the photo or in the video and my mind goes: “What a geek, your body looks so strange that it would be better to hide yourself from the public in order not to create a disgust in the eyes of other!“ to stop and breathe. I then continue to observe pictures of me within energetic stability and awareness that it is natural to be different from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that my posture is bad and that my spine is crooked without even visiting a doctor or chiropractor in order to confirm the extend of how much if at all the shape of my spine is off from the optimum and if there are any concerns and needs to be adjusted. I realise that if my posture would be so much off I would received at least one comment from my friends about that so I should be just fine. I commit myself to when and as I think about the shape of my spine and my mind is producing an imagination how my spine is crooked to stop and breathe. I then refocus to something more important in my life or decide to schedule an appointment with s specialist to provide me with a real facts about the condition of my spine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a physical image of my body is so much important due to promotion of visual ideals in the public media. I realise that in any relationship physical image plays a very small role comparing to the whole spectrum and dimensions of interactions and collaboration that two life partners perform during the whole day alone and together. I commit myself to when and as I go in my mind and start to use my imagination to compare my physical body to any body of actor or a model, to stop and breathe. I then rather do some practical work with full acceptance of the way how my physical body witch I am temporarily incarnated in my current human experience looks like and with awareness that it is just one current dimension of who I am as eternal living being. 
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