2010 - The emotional December girl

The girl who I met online one month ago payed me a visit this Wednesday. She came with the bus and I picked her on the bus station and then we went to my place. This was the firs girl I dated that was older than me, and she had I lot of concerns regarding this, expressing thoughts that we are not meant to be together since I probably want some much younger girl. But more than difference in years, the point that I found unacceptable was that she did not want to release her strong emotional mind patterns. Right after she saw my online profile, she started to SMS me extensively, writing how sweet and adorable I am and how she is dying from desire to hug and touch me. I have never met anyone who would be such a great fun of me and this definitely felt very good.

After we had a chat over large cup of tea, I prepared my home movie theatre and we watched a comedy movie which I borrowed from the library. Actually it was I that watched the movie, since she soon started to watch and admire my face. Since I already watched that movie once, I asked her if she would rather do something else. So she gave me the massage and it was very passionate and intense and she trembled from excitement while massaging me. Then I also offered to give her the massage but she felt too ashamed to remove her clothes. So I gave her the back massage with her shirt on. Then we lied down and started hugging and kissing, and soon she got hot and also removed her clothes slowly. We got intimate and it was very nice experience. We got intimate again when we went to bed and also in the morning while waking up. Than we had a breakfast, I finished some work on the computer and then I drove her to the city bus station where she took the bus to her home place.

In the following days she continued to SMS me, telling me that she had such a great time and that she has fallen in love with me. While she was at my place, we had a chat about thoughts, feelings and emotions and that what I am looking for is an agreement where we would support each other as one and equal at the process of self-realization. But she is not willing to forgive her feelings and is very stubborn at holding to her mind patterns and playing the role of caring mother, full of tender feeling, treating me as a teddy bear toy, projecting onto me the fantasies that are not real. While I felt like a star with her playing the role of my fanatic fan, this kind of relationship is in long term very unhealthy. So every time she calls me, I speak to her the self-forgiveness in her name, regarding the feelings that she is trying to impose in order to show her accepted and allowed self-deception. I also suggested her to star writing her own blog to align herself with the principle of equality, since her definition of me as being something more is unacceptable.

In the past several days I have been watching the rest of the movies that I rented in the public library. I don't know if this was due to transfer of some system during sex with the girl, or was it due to the start of the holiday season, or was it just because the act was so good, but when I watched the movie Ladder 49, with the pictures scenes of burning houses and brave firefighting, I became very emotional and I cried when I watched the funeral of deceased firefighter. The same pattern repeated when I next watched some other romantic movies. This in unacceptable and some self-forgiveness is needed to be done immediately regarding this point.

1. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become emotional, since emotions are the energy, produced by friction between the reality and my projected definitions of reality being something more than what it really is.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that being emotional is what makes us human and forgetting that when the energy of emotion is possessing us, we tend to hurt ourselves and others with the excuse of being emotional.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a robot, letting emotions to blind and direct me to act in unreasonable ways, instead of taking full responsibility of my actions and directing myself towards what is best for all.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have special feeling towards someone and thus producing inequality in this reality, since all parts of the existence are one and equal to each other, the reality can only exist is perfect balance by treating every single being as equal to any other being in every single moment of every breath.
   
   
5. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to buy the illusion of the movies and copy the behavior of the actors, believing that copying the behavior of others will help me to survive more effectively in this world, instead of realizing that Hollywood movies are deliberately produced in the way to manipulate and intensify human emotional reactions with the starting point of extracting as much money from the people as possible.
   
   
6. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to forget that what is real is only this physical reality and whenever I tend to emotionally react, I go into my illusional mind that is created with the intend to trap me and suck my life energy until I drop dead.
   
   
7. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself for energy to distract my attention from what is really here, since the energy is not life, it is the product of friction between two opposite poles, and I can not allow energy to exist anymore, since the existence can not have the opposite pole and thus every single opposition of life has to be removed.
   
   
8. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to think instead of live, no thought is acceptable since it is based of projection of the memory into this present moment and since the present is constantly changing, no thought is valid and is thus the manifestation of lie, deception and illusion.
   
   
9. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in my mind, since when I got to my mind, I am not here living, I am escaping to the place which is the alternative reality, and there can exist only one reality which is physical, in order all to co-exist as equals and collaborate and support each others effectively.

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