2010 - Masturbation point research

I masturbated again. It was 2:30am and I was reading the SRAT Lesson 29. I was to have a chat with Andrea the next day at 7:47am and I had to read the other half of the Lesson 29 and the whole Lesson 30 and to the exercises. The time was running out and I wondered how many hours of time should I reserve in order to be able to read all the text and to the exercises. I started do yawn, I was falling asleep and I started to play with my penis in order to entertain myself. I was still under the impression of the words of the girl with whom I had a chat with today, since she is really a master of seduction, using the words that trigger my sexual system. Her words were running through my mind and the pictures of how sex with her might be started to appear. My penis started to become erect more and more and I did not like this automatic unconscious reaction. I started to speak out loud in Slovene language the self-forgiveness on the masturbation points like:

1. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on the thoughts of the girl that I have had I chat with, since the memories are illusion and only what is here is in fact reality.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and project images of sexual intercourse with the woman, since pictures in the mind are illusion and not real.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuel my mind with the energy of orgasm and thus fueling the system that is going to produce even more thought and fuck me even deeper in the future.

But none of this self-forgiveness was sufficient. While holding and stroking the head of my penis, the sweet taste has been produced in my mouth and I wanted some more. I continued with strokes and increased the frequency and intensity of strokes until I would experience the buildup of energy in the genital region that expanded through my whole body when I came to orgasm and ejaculation.

After orgasm I felt bad since I failed to stick to my decision to replace the genital orgasm with the breathe orgasm. I decided to immediately write this post while the memories of the thoughts that pulled me into this actions were still fresh. When I asked myself why was I not able to stop, the following points emerged:

1. I am not fully aware of the consequences of genital orgasm in relation to enslavement of mind-consciousness system.
   
   
2. I have recently read that Desteni is supporting orgasm, but only in the form of self-expression. Since Desteni is not agains it, I have picked this as justification to continue with it.
   
   
3. I am considering the orgasm as I gift to myself, I form of award, a treat, in order to give myself a nice feeling after days of suffering unpleasant physical conditions in order to do what I have to do to get the money.

I have to do more writing in order to defuse more the points, related to sex system. I wonder if living alone is resulting in suppressing these points and if it would be more supportive to decide for and agreement and release these points while practicing sex. Since now if I see a female, from very young to middle age, the sexual thoughts and pictures are triggered intensively and I do not want to be possessed with them anymore. 

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