31 December 2019

Day 183: Sexual relationship and reproduction

Recently I have been wondering about my intimate relationships. It has been 7 years since I broke up with my last girlfriend after 3 years of living together. I only had sex with another female about one year after that however for the last 6 years I had no sexual intercourse with any women. Until a couple of months ago I have been in regular contact with a girl who first moved into our apartment building with her boyfriend. About a year ago they broke up and she became my flatmate. We were researching an option to become a couple however she terribly feared to become pregnant so we never had sexual intercourse. That kind of relationship was not very pleasant since there was a sexual attraction between two of us however her fear and projections of past negative experiences that were mostly copied from her mother who has been sexually abused was something that she was unable to free herself from. It was nice not to live alone however her increased outbursts of anger, blame, and even some slight physical abuse slowly became unbearable for me. Eventually, the landlord ordered her to move out and I again rented the whole apartment for myself.

In the past years, I have looked deeply into my relationship patterns that resulted in attracting females that were far from emotionally balanced. I realized how I coped behavior patterns from my parents, especially my father where I wanted to be in a role of a savior however also had a belittling attitude towards women as the result of my superiority tendency. I transformed that pattern to the point where I no longer am seeking nor accepting to be in a relationship where I will allow myself to abuse others, note do I allow anymore to abuse me. The only kind of relationship that I am willing to be in is where mutual respect and equality will be applied at all times.

For as long as I remember being in a relationship with a woman was not my priority. I already wrote about how the greatest satisfaction in my current life is to be of service to my father. Meaning that whenever he calls me to be available for him immediately or as soon as possible and to produce graphic designs or do anything else that he desires. And my second priority is to enjoy a peaceful life where I can continue focusing on self-perfection and research the secrets of how the whole existence functions. After that and only occasionally I find myself imagining how great would be to engage in sex with a young attractive woman.

My motivation for sex is enjoyment in touch and the smell of women and pleasuring each other until the point of achieving an orgasm. However sexual intercourse can also result in pregnancy and all the related obligations to care for a child for at least 18 years and bear legal consequences for their actions. I also have considered being a father for the purpose of raising a human being that would be an example of a responsible and very capable member of society. However, I would be prepared to have kids only with a very emotionally stable and responsible woman and I have not met any female that fits such criteria.

Many have children for the purpose of showing off in front of others or to try to compensate by them for things they lacked to have or experienced in their life or to continue a bloodline in order to strategically achieve some big international agenda. So it is mostly a projected motivation of self-centered starting point. I, on the other hand, have already enough work with facing my own mind and clearing all the self-deceptions that created pain and conflict in my past life. I see having a child as a potential to assist a process of self-reflection however it can also be a distraction from taking time to look inside of self and correct all the points of separation.

I thus wonder if it is worth to engage in a relationship with someone else in order to have a sexual partner and risk complicating life or to just stay satisfied with pleasuring myself when I have the desire to experience an orgasm. Basically, I see the sex system as a big distraction and something that diminishes my mental abilities. I would so much prefer for humans to be more like the animal and have sex only when deciding to have children and also at such occasion to carefully pick the most compatible partner so that the kids would be healthy and strong. Because now our children are more reproductions of the minds and proof of devolution in terms of physical bodies.

So I am out there on many of the online dating networks and I dare some women that fit my criteria to contact me. I am giving enough opportunities for those who seek a partner like me to find me and I also am liking the profiles of girls that I like. The time will show whether I am destined to connect with anybody that is equally seeking a very deep and honest relationship or if in this life I am to stay single, yet fulfilled more than most of the males who are in superficial relationships.

Related supportive audios:
Self-Honesty in your Relationship with Yourself
Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse
I Fear Missing out
Sins of the Fathers
You Create Your Child's World
Family Planning
I Kept it All in
To Have Children, Or Not
When Your Self and Life Are Off Course

16 December 2019

Day 182: Al-one and One-ness

During the process of self-realization, I have been aligning myself with the principle of oneness and equality. I comprehend this principle as the fact that existence is one (singular) and consequently, everything that exists is part of the existence and connected to it. Thus any sensation that perceives any part of existence as separate (unconnected) to the totality of existence is an illusion of separation. Thus also I who is perceiving my human physical body as something separate in this physical existence am also under the influence of such illusion. Before I came to that realization I have been driven by the illusional character of someone that needs to constantly impress others by discovering and sharing secret knowledge and information. However, the consequence of becoming self-aware that I can actually never exist as a manifestation of separation has been losing interest to do anything particular in order to protect my illusion of separation or to create even more illusional separate parts by having children of my own.

However, consciously using logic as the base for the realization that separation can in fact not exist has not resulted in also automatically removing the perception of separation via the senses of my human physical body. And I also do not have the ability to leave my human physical body by my own will. Sleeping does in a way temporarily disconnect me from the perception of being in the physical body however whenever I wake up I still find myself in it. Thus I am facing a decision about how to function in this physical world until the perception of me being in my current physical body ends for good. The main thing that I am occupying myself with is maintaining my awareness of oneness and equality in every single moment. Which practically means to stop any distraction of my mind in the form of thoughts end energetic reactions that tempt me into losing my awareness. And to also stop any influence by anything and anyone that I perceive as being outside of my human physical body and equally tempt me to persuade that separation is real.

Related Eqafe audios:
Inversion to Oneness with The Universe
You are me in another life
Purpose and Creation
My Relationship with Aloneness
Creator or Created
Individuality & Equality
Location of Existential Physical Process
It is Not About Oneness but About Living