29 April 2017

Day 157: Crick in my neck

Three days ago I got a pain in my neck. I could also say that the pain was located on my shoulder because the centre of the pain was vertically positioned near the back of my spine on top of the shoulder however more towards my left shoulder. It started to appear four days ago when I had a chat with my DIP course buddy and increased the next day after I had a chat with my flatmate about the struggle that I am facing with. And it is about being attracted to different sources of information and way of explaining how this existence works. But what troubled me the most was that if I would want to fully understand what each of the sources are actually saying, I would have to dedicate my time to completely integrate the information. And this could be the reason for the pain as the reflection of feeling burdened by the challenge of wanting to understand the truth about the functioning of the whole existence. I also found the audio that explains the crick in your neck as related to pattern of looking up to people and looking down on other people and yourself contributing to inequality within leader-follower relationships.

Initially I expected that it would be most supportive for my pain in the neck to write with focus on the point of overwhelmingness however it seem that it would be best to write about who I am looking up to and also down on. Which totally makes sense because in my life it was my father that I started to follow and look up to and I guess all children start with their parents being the first examples where they copy most of their behaviour patterns from. The problem is when the parents do not consider their children as equals but look down on them and even suppress them due to fear that children will become more than them and will thus loose the power of controlling them. And such was exactly the case in family of my parents where especially my father wanted to be something more and did often criticise me for every single small mistake that I made. This resulted in me not developing sufficient self trust and habit of looking inside me for a reference point about my decisions in life.

The message that my father has been embodying is to be productive in terms of accumulating a lot of physical proof of your ingenuity so that it can be shown to the world for the purpose of others looking up to you and thus feeling good for being something more. Such starting point of course prevented him to strive for excellency in terms of perfecting his attitude towards his work thus the final products show mediocracy and carelessness. For example when he is creating replicas from medieval ear he does not make effort to strictly follow the use of materials and designs that were used at that time. He usually adds something that does not belong there and cuts corners to save cost and time. So he is not striving for high quality but mostly for the quantity. And if I look at where I have copied such pattern from him I see that while I am focused more on creating the future and am using technologically advanced tools like computers, I too lack the perfection in studying how this existence functions and am to some extent superficial in my research. I do not go in depth and am not investing enough time and effort to integrate the information more effectively.

And there are some other points that prevent me from integrating information from sources that I stumble upon. First is that I have studied many traditions and authors that explain how this existence works and later I have discovered information that proved them wrong. The reasons were because they have misinterpreted their experiences, they were fooled by the creators of the existence or they were their agents that incarnated here specifically to deceive humanity and redirect us towards the dead end. Thus I developed the mistrust and suspicion about everything that I see, hear or listen since the levels of deception can exist beyond by awareness. Also what I learned is that while some pieces of the message seems to be valid, all the messengers that I have been studying from are not without faults. They are equally individuals in the process of self-perfection and sometimes something that they do or say is far from being valid.

As I learned, we have all ben preprogrammed to be followers to some extend and are constantly searching for someone to look up to. And we lack the ability to look into ourself and find a reliable point of self-trust for the purpose of always being able to distinguish the truth from deception. Thus I have also wanted to find The Source, The Leader that I could follow blindly and just unconditionally absorb all the information without having to use any discernment. However as I realised this is not the possible way of existence to function since we must all learn to develop self-responsibility and instead of relying on someone outside of us to develop real self-trust and ability of common sense. We must not just learn from one single source out there but must research them all end keep what is good. While there are some who lead the path of discovery about how this existence works, it is not enough to simply accept their teachings. We must reach the same awareness by walking the equal path of researching and testing and coming to our own conclusions. We can not gain the same awareness just by becoming their dedicated followers.

Now I am going to face relevant points and change my established ways of dealing with this world by removing the unsupportive programs that I am running on and replacing them with a more functional pieces of code in order to become more supportive part of life:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are individuals existing who have all the answers about how existence functions and that I just need to find them and all my problems will be solved. I realise that I can not be sure if such individuals exists and that instead of just searching for someone that knows it all it would be best to learn from those who can explain this existence to a very large extend and combine the information to get the full picture. I commit myself to when and as I am wondering about the secret of the existence and my mind in producing thought like: “I must find the personalised manifestation of the god who will answer to all my questions!” to stop and breathe. A then learn from what other wise people have also provided explanation about and use such knowledge to expand my awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that awareness is a gift of god and that god created some of us with lesser awareness and some individuals with higher awareness. I realise that that I am increasing awareness by researching and learning and that while we all have our unique characteristics those who have reached high level of awareness have evidence that they have also walked a long and dedicated path of research and experimentation where they used own ability of discernment to separate facts from deception and created their own understanding about how this existence functions. I commit myself to when and as I want to know the deepest meaning of life and my mind goes like: “I must just believe that I am a good person and god will eventually enlighten me and gift me with higher level of awareness.” to stop and breathe. I then use the god's gifts in form of already available knowledge and use it as best as possible to discover the secrets of existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look up to individuals who have achieved a lot in life and making them more than me while believing that I will never be able to reach their level of greatness. I realise that by creating such inequality I am making me less than others and thus the consequences like the crick in my neck are created. I commit myself to when and as I am learning about the people who have achieved great things in life and my mind is saying: “You must become humble in presence of their greatness and admire them due their incredible achievements!” to stop and breathe. I then research their life path and all things that influenced them in order to become capable of such achievements within understanding that we are all different with unique life path and we can all excel in our own way to expand ourselves as much as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be great and be admired by others in order to fell good and receive what I want from others in my life. I realise that by such desire I equally create inequality and by looking down on others I equally create also undesired consequences that can be experienced as the crick in my neck. I commit myself to when and as I decide about what I want to do in my life and my mind is like: “You must learn about the most advanced knowledge available so that others will look up to you and think that you are a genius.” to stop and breathe. I then continue to satisfy my curiosity about the secrets of life while understanding that we are all parts of the same existence and that I must also stay humble and share my discoveries with others in order for all to improve their lives as one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a hoarder of knowledge and information in order to accumulate as large amount of advanced knowledge as possible and display it in front of the world in order to be admired and to feel good about my achievements. I realise that life is not about quantity but about quality and that we can all live in abundance if we share available resources including knowledge equally. I commit myself to when and as I want to know more about things that I am still not clear about and my mind is telling me: “Gather all kinds of information from as many sources as possible in order not to miss something that could be very important!” to stop and breathe. I then with understanding that each of us has a limited time available and that it is not possible to absorb all information out there to rather search for the most reliable sources of information and make sure to integrate the information to the level where I will be able to retain them in my memory for a long time and be thus able to share them with others and function as a useful member of our society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance when I study different sources of information due to understanding that there are all kinds of illusions and deceptions out there and that eventually all information that I now think is the truth can later be proven to be a lie. I realise that the nature of evolution is expansion of awareness where previous concepts and perspectives are eventually overwritten with a new understanding of reality. I commit myself to when and as I learn about this existence and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Use discernment and be careful about sharing the information since in time it can be proven as false and other people will judge you and be angry about you so protect yourself and keep quiet!” to stop and breathe. I then rather share my current discoveries with others and allow to be proven wrong since only by sharing our perspectives we are able to assemble peaces of information into a full picture and attain complete awareness about the whole reality of existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am incapable of distinguishing between what is real and what is not and that I will be able to discover the truth of reality only by listening to individuals who are speaking eloquently about the nature of creation. I realise that we all have a reference point within us that can be used for discernment and if applying complete and total self-honesty we can attain the capacity to always know what is truth and what is deceptions. I commit myself to when and as I am researching this reality and my mind is telling me: “Reality can never be understood fully since only god possesses such ability and you are definitely not god!” to stop and breathe. I then within realisation that we are all parts of the same creator and made by his own image and thus also gifted with capacity of reasoning I continue to develop the capacity of self-honesty in order to always be able to rely on my inner guidance when having to distinguish facts from false information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated when learning about something new and I am not completely clear about certain points. I realise that askKing is the King and that I am always able to ask questions and receive additional explanations so that eventually I can attain complete clarity about the subject. I commit myself to when and as I am digesting a new body of information and while stumbling about some point that I am not clear about an my mind is going like: “It is pointless to ask questions at this moment and waste time because there is so much additional information available and you will probably get your questions answered by simply continuing to digest the rest of the information available.” to stop and breathe. I then rather write down my questions to become completely clear what I am not sure about and make the effort to verify if answers to such questions actually are provided in some other body of information that already exist because there is always also a possibility that such questions have not been answered yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance about sharing my perspectives to others due to fear that others will start asking me a lot of questions that I do not know the answers to and thus I will feel embarrassed. I realise that others questioning me is actually a blessing in disguise because they push me to expand myself where eventually I become the beneficiary due to increased awareness. I commit myself to when and as someone is asking me a question and my mind is like: “Oh no, they have discovered some fault in me and I must be ashamed of not being perfect.” to stop and breathe. I realise that we all have yet to discover many things and by others asking me something they are actually assisting me to quantify the process of self-realisation so I am from now on receiving and answering any question with great appreciation and gratefulness. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for the ultimate source of information about all the existence and then be disappointed when I discover that the source has lacked to explain many things that I would like to know about. I realise that there are different reasons for that. One is that each source has a limited capacity of serving information and each source must decide what information to present based on the priorities of the receivers of the information. Then even if the source has all the answers about this existence, the source may act within awareness that many recipients or the humanity in general are not yet capable of handling them and would cause the overwhelmingness, panic and other undesired and harmful consequences if much more advanced information would be shared. I commit myself to when and as I study from certain source of information and my mind goes like: “I see that this and that is lacking to be explained thus this source is no good and I should better find another one that already has all the answers.” to stop and breathe. I then make best use of the available information and fully integrate them and then also equally share them with others with consideration of the capacity of understanding in order for me equally not to create harmful consequences for others. 
In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Crick in Your Neck from the Reptilians series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to many about life and this existence.

25 April 2017

Day 156: How to approach women

This blog post is a related to my writing a few posts back titled:
Day 149: How I experience myself towards woman

After 4 years of being single again I decided to restart dating several months ago. Since computers have been my main professional creative tool it was natural for me to firstly engage in online dating. So I researched what are the best national and international dating web sites and mobile apps and have created my profile. My experience so far is that this kind of dating is quite practical in terms of having the ability to search for a proper partner based on different criteria. However the downsides are that there are a lot of fake profiles and scam attempts, it costs money to pay for subscriptions and many of people who are single even do not have any dating profile. Since currently I am living on social support and have not yet established a sufficient stable monthly income I have not been able to pay for online dating subscriptions and could thus not contact girls who indicated that they like my profile. So until I make some more money I have decided to rather engage in live dating.

I do not like going out in terms of visiting bars and clubs since there is loud music that makes conversation hard and I also do not want to meet someone who smokes, takes drugs or drinks alcohol. So I simply wanted to see if some girl will attract my attention during my usual routines of taking walks and exercising in the gym. And so I did in the past months noticed some runners who crossed my path and some girls at the gym however it never came to the point of me actually speaking to them. There were many thoughts in my mind that prevented me to take any practical action.

The first justification was very existential and that is why should I not simply be satisfied with what I am and continue to enjoy the benefits of being single instead of engaging in all kinds the drama related to being in a relationship with another person. Because experience of begin single and experience of being in a relationship have both upsides and downsides. Why not just continue being aware of my breath, enjoying myself in the current surrounding, being creative and having a lot of free time while living a simple life? Why disturbing my inner peace by allowing myself to become attracted to some girl outside of myself and making my life much more complicated than it currently is, especially if we would have kids for example?

However what I noticed within me is that I have become tired of being single and that I would like to experience again the benefits of being in a relationship and also having my own kids for many reasons. Because for example much more can be done in collaboration with another person that you can fully trust in and not to forgets the benefits of experiencing sex in many ways. And especially having own children is a very unique experience because the interactions with a being that is slowly growing and learning can make you think more about the meaning and potentials of life. So this is why I not so long ago decided that I shall experience also having my own family. However here again this experience is related to money and I do not feel comfortable engaging in a relationship without sorting out my money issues first. And I see this happening very soon because my friends and I are creating a new business that should make us a lot of profit.

Other point that I am facing with when approaching women is how to choose which is the one. Obvious factors are the way how someone looks and moves. There are some girls who I find very attractive or beautiful. I am still not sure why it is that certain face features are attractive and represent beauty and some are not and can be described as ugly. Because we all have heads and two eyes and a mouth and a nose somewhere in the middle. I am baffled with the fact that different ratios and positioning of face features can act as being attractive or repulsive. And I am also uncomfortable with such polarity since I do not want to be attached to anything outside of me in terms of falling in love with a beautiful girl. I do not want to long for someone and feel the lack because someone that I love is not close to me. And than there is also fear of loss because that girl can die soon or someone else can steal it from me due her beauty. But not only that, also she can feel uncomfortable thinking that I am with here only due to her looks and her fear of loosing me would increase with age when her beauty starts to disappear. 

Women then also have different preferences about men if of course I disregard lesbians and bisexuals. But generally a classical type of men is a muscular and rich man who would be a good provider, protector and will guarantee a safe environment for his woman and children. From the perspective of biology this makes sense because women are the one who birth new life and during the pregnancy they are much more vulnerable than man. And comparing to men their bodies are also generally smaller and less powerful. So typical men represent power and stability and women represent creativity and beauty. Thus it looks like men are competing who will reproduce with the most beautiful women and they are competing for the most powerful men. It is all about the survival of the fittest and evolution of the human race if we look the whole dating scene from pure biological perspective.

Then there are anomalies when individuals transcend such primitive attraction and change their preferences about their perfect partner. Some fall for intelligence, some strive for someone who wants to live close to nature, and there are all kind of qualities that some are seeking in their partner. When meeting someone their body language, facial expression, the way they talk and dress can to certain level reflect their non-physical qualities. However first impressions can sometimes be deceiving since many wear masks and hide who they truly are. So it usually takes many months or even years before you are able to know true nature of someone that you consider as a potential partner. Thus dating takes a lot of time and other resources and it is quite a nuisance when after years of time invested you discover that your partner is not sufficiently compatible with you to be able to spend the rest of your life with them.

I learned that in some culture parents are the ones who pick wives for their sons. Maybe because they feel more competent in selecting the best match due to much more life experiences. And there are also other factors because when two get married this is not only a union of two individuals but a merger of a two whole family clans. Especially on top levels like kings they have picked their queens from all kind of strategical political and financial interests. So marriage is not just a two individuals deciding to live together and maybe have kids but is also involves legal dimension about ownership of assets that are transferred from generation to generation. Certain kinds of marriages even considers women as a liability that must be purchased from the parents. And a state marriage also involves social protection programs where children are legally owned by a state and can be taken away if parents do not meet certain criteria.

Other threats that having a family is also creating is infiltration and extortion. When you are in a relationship with someone a bond is created, ways are set and a life partnership is like a small business where two are setting goals and collaborating towards their fulfilment. Thus both need to work as one in order to avoid any conflict. While you might know who you are and what you want, it is possible that your partner can be influenced by ideas of some other individuals who want you to fail in your personal and business life. Your partner can turn into double agent and counteract your efforts. Someone can also use your spouse and children to threaten and extort you. Your family members can be kidnapped and tortured in exchange for money or in exchange for some other favour. So when you decide to stop being single and create a family, life can get very complicated and besides many potentials it also brings many dangers.

Besides all that things can also take undesired route in other ways. For example you spouse or kids can get very sick, maybe even terminally ill. They can get get hurt in accidents, loose parts of their bodies, ability to move and perform mentally. All kinds of things imaginable and beyond imagination can happen that are far from your ideal plans of having a partner and a family. Thus while it is cool to have plans in life and to know what you want, it is also important to stay aware that one can control only few things in life and everything else will be a result of actions of billions of other being that each of us share this existence with. This is why I am now going to look at some of my related mind patterns and transform them so that my mind will be aligned with the reality as much as possible:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to forget that life is far from ideals in fairytales and that no one lives happily forever after without any challenges. I realise that in every single moment a lot of things can happen that can turn my life upside down and completely change my options. I commit myself to when and as I wake up in the morning and mind is producing thought like: “Tomorrow will be the same as yesterday so just carry on with your daily routine and everything will be fine.” to stop and breathe. I then rather live the day within awareness that I can not possibly know what will happen in the next moment and to be in constant readiness for the unexpected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fear approaching girls that I find attractive due to believe that they will have power over me and will use their beauty to manipulate with me. I realise that I have also been using many tactics of manipulation from my birth on to get what I want from my parents, friends and partners. While beauty of my physical body was not my main asset to attract others, I have been using other skills like knowledge, information and ingenuity to satisfy my personal interests. I commit myself to when and as I notice some girl that I find physically attractive and my mind goes like: “She is too beautiful for me and I bet that she will completely enchant me. She will use her spells to take all my money from me and eventually leave me for someone else so I must stay away from her.” I then engage in casual conversation with her while being aware that each of us has different assets that others can benefit from and that there are women out there who seek exactly what I have to offer. So it is just a mater of being patient and test as many women as possible until I meet a proper match for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that women who are physically attractive can easily get everything they want and are the only one who exploit others. I realise that while they definitely got more attention from men than less attractive women, they might have also suffered abuse and can be in fear that others want them just for their good looks that will eventually disappear with age. I commit myself to when and as I see some good looking women and my thought are like: “She has the whole world on a golden platter and absolutely no problems. Good for her!” to stop and breathe. I then create relationship with girls in consideration that each of us is incarnated in a different physical body with different talents that all have their upsides and downsides. I thus treat everyone as one end equal, knowing that we all need to use our assets as best as possible in order to survive in this world since the situation is far from everyone being taken care unconditionally for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat women only from the perspective of my self-interest in terms of imagining how I will be able to have sex with them and how they will give birth to my children instead of treating them as equal human being. I realise that women are not here just to satisfy the needs of man and that women also have their own desires that we man can fulfil in mutual and equal satisfaction. I commit myself to when and as I see a woman and I think: “Sole purpose of women is to give sexual pleasures to men and birth children so I must pick one that I will have the most pleasurable sex with and will provide me with healthy offspring.” to stop and breathe. I then approach women with awareness that they equally enjoy sex and care to find a proper partner that will offer necessary support for them and the children that will come through them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear approaching women when I am not dressed elegantly due to believe that the first impression is most important and that I need to initially visually present myself as a successful and respectful member of society. I realise that while clothes can assist you in impressing others, what women respond to most is the level of self-confidence and being persistent. I commit myself to when and as I meet a women and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Oh no, she is so charming and I am not very well dressed so best not to embarrass myself by even trying to speak to her.” to stop and breathe. I then engage in conversation with awareness that I am not my clothes and that it is important to be constant in thoughts, words and actions regardless what shape and colours of fabric I put on top of my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become discouraged because I have not been able to move when noticing some attractive girl due to becoming paralysed by all kinds of energies of feelings and emotions. I realise that every skill needs to be developed and I have not been practicing life dating at all. And equally like I have developed any other skill that I currently master, I can become master of approaching even the most attractive women that I notice. I commit myself to gradually engage in casual conversation firstly with less attractive girls and then slowly progress to speaking with more attractive ones until I will completely loose any fear and will become comfortable speaking even with the beauty queen of the world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach others only when I wanted something from them instead of regularly making casual conversations with complete strangers and thus getting to know others without any expectations. I realise that I have been mostly communicating with others online and only in terms of achieving certain agenda thus I am lacking live social skills that are necessary to function properly as a productive member of society. I commit myself to not only engage in conversation with women that I like and with those that I want something from them, but also with all others since we all need to become more friendly towards each others. Thus I am now using every single opportunity to speak with others even if it is to exchange nothing more than an opinion about the current weather situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of approaching women in my current condition of living in a small room with a single bedroom that is not very impressive if some girl would want to see where and how I live. I realise that initial dating can be performed in nature and public places like bars, clubs, restaurants and similar for many weeks before inviting someone home. And it is not so unusual for single people to live in small apartments and then only move to bigger place with a partner that they decide to live together with. I commit myself to when and as I notice an attractive girl and my thoughts are: “Such I shame that I live in a small room with single bed since I will not be able to invite her home immediately and have sex with her in a large bed.” to stop and breathe. I then engage in starting to knowing her since I could find out very quick that we are not a good match and even if we would decide to have sex very soon, she might have a bigger and more comfortable bed at her place or we can do it in a rented hotel room or even in the car, on the floor or anywhere we find it appropriate.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be embarrassed about approaching perspective partners since I live on a social support money and can not afford at this time to pay for some expensive dinners or gifts. I realise that dating does not need to be expensive and that others are able to understand that people some times find themselves in between careers. I commit myself to when and as I want to date someone and my mind goes like: “This is a total no go since it will cost a lot of money that I currently do not have.” to stop and breathe. I then start dating, explain my current situation, my past and my future plans and see how it goes.  
In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Relationship Experimentation from the Life Review series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

15 April 2017

Day 155: Painful manifestation on my butt

I seat a lot since my work is computer related. When I do something creative on my computer or if I watch some movie, I can seat for hours without standing up and I do not feel any physical discomfort. Despite of my bottom pressing again the chair for a long time, there are usually no long-term consequences of that. However occasionally I get some painful manifestations around the rectum that persist for several weeks and during that time it is very uncomfortable for me to seat on the chair and work with computer. Those manifestations are hardly visible to the naked eye, but when touched with the hand they feel like a hardened parts of the skin, usually elongated, like a vain, a few millimetres thick and a few centimetres long. Sometimes they include also a special painful spot, like a pimple however it is more solid and deeper than a common pimple. Such part of hardened skin with a very painful spot also manifested on my butt a week ago and this time I decided to do a deeper research about the cause of it in order to prevent it from reoccurring in the future.

Those of us who are part of Desteni group and walk Desteni I Process course for self-realisation have the privilege of support from experienced New Kinesiology practitioners. So I also scheduled a Skype session with one of them and explained my problem. The first thing that she indicated is that the painful manifestation on my buttocks is related to my mental processes. However she immediately also asked me if I already went to check it with a doctor because even though she tested out that it is a mind point, it may not automatically heal itself if and when I look at the mind point. Then she specified that the cause is a projection, specifically projecting emotions or expressions such as hostility, anger, hatefulness, selfishness, distance and irritation onto a person. In such emotional experience I reacted with sadness, guilt, remorsefulness, depression, tiredness, feeling stupid, inferiority and isolation. And the next related point that she indicated was a backchat of hatefulness, anger, hostility, criticism, selfishness, sarcasm and feeling hurt.

When I checked my memory what sorts of events I experienced around the time when the painful manifestation on my butt occurred I immediately remembered a visit of a policeman at my home. That policeman called me on the phone a day before and explained that he wants to talk to me since he is investigating a probable case of illegal money pyramid. I remember that immediately after the call, I had a massive backchat throughout the rest of the day and I imagined all kind of possible scenarios that might take place when he will arrive the next day. I have been pondering how to answer his questions, starting with introduction of myself. My encounters with police were very rare and I face them only several times in my life during the common traffic checks and when I reported couple of cases to them. However never have I been under investigation for anything illegal. Due to me wanting to be an example of a good person that does not harm anyone I wondered how even came so far that someone reported my activities as having something to do with breaking the law.

My core pattern that I have been transforming for the last several years has been fear about being criticised by others which is connected to my desire of wanting to get attention by impressing others with sharing of advanced knowledge and information. And I am still a bit sensitive about what others think about me especially if they blame me for something that I did not done or they perceive me as the opposite of how I want to be experienced by others. The next point that made me react especially to a person who has been in a role of policeman was information that I got in a study group where we researched the secret history and functioning of global legal and money system. It was explain that contrary to public believe that police is to protect us they are actually protectors of the public legal system that was created for the benefit of the Crown and the Pope who have been controlling and enslaving the humanity through religion and money system. Because as explained, by issuing of the birth certificate, we are turned into a legal fiction called the Person and taken all the human rights in exchange for the benefits of the public social system.

So the first thought that came through my mind after the policeman announced his visit was how shall I answer if he asks me if my name is Valentin Rozman. Because if I give him my full name as it stated on my birth certificate and my national ID card, legally I am confirming to be a legal fiction and will be handled as such. I started to project knowledge and information gained in the research group and created an enemy construct about the policeman. In my mind he was an evil representative of enslavement and abuse system with powers that he can use to arrest me and put me in jail. And because I was not skilled in legal terminology I would not be able to answer him in the way where my natural rights as a living human on land would be effectively protected. So I became quite scared and afraid what will happen when and as I face the policeman, especially because he will come to me in regards to a money related charges. About the operations that I have been involved in I have mede sure that all is legal and have several months ago contacted all the respective government agencies for them to confirm that everything that I have been doing is aligned with Slovenian legislation. Despite of knowing that the policeman will not be able to find any evidence of a criminal activity because all that I do is aligned with the law, I was still very uncomfortable due to possibility that he will be able to find something that I have missed to see.

When the next day the policeman came, I was surprised that he was not in the uniform, he just came in without introducing himself or asking me about my name and only after we sat down behind the table, he showed his badge and asked me about my birth date and place. He actually never asked for my name or any identification document. Then he explained that he came just to checked a few facts and that there is no person who suffered any damage due to my activities. He just needed to do some research on behalf of government financial agency in order to confirm that all is according to the law. We had quite a nice three hour talk where I enlightened him about many things that he was not aware of. Like that the fiat money system is actually the biggest theft in human history despite of being totally legal. All went fine however during the chat I noticed that I was still quite tense and in a slight emotional reaction because I did not consider the policeman as an equal but someone who is superior to me and is also in role of a someone who is violating natural rights despite of him probably thinking that what he does is for the good of the whole society.

After our chat I also sent him the proof of my previous communication with financial government agencies and their answers and I expect that this case will be closed soon. Now it is up to me to write some statements in order to transform my patterns of projecting blame and anger towards policeman and thus taking full self-responsibility for all the related reactions that me and no one else is responsible for:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label the person who announced his visit only as the policeman and not as an equal human being who is only temporary acting in a role of a policeman. I realise that I was the one who actually violated natural human rights of the human who came to me by not treating him as equal being. I commit myself to when and as a human comes to me and introduces themselves as a representative of certain organisation and my mind produces thoughts like: “Oh wow, this human has special right and powers and I must submit to him!” to stop and breathe. I then communicate with them with awareness that all beings are one and equal as life and that we do only express ourselves though different body interfaces and play certain roles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is no difference between the functioning of police in the United States and here in Slovenia. I realise that despite there are some general legal overlays that consider each country on this world equally, there are considerable differences about the legal system and functioning of the police in Slovenia. I commit myself to when and as I meet the policeman in Slovenia and my mind goes: “Remember the videos about how nasty police in the US treat the people so you have to equally be afraid of the police in Slovenia!” to stop and breathe. I then communicate with the Slovenian police not just with understanding that they are much less aggressive than in US but to also understand that they are humans like me and want to be equally treated with respect and kindness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a good person that has done nothing wrong and that I must not be approached with any allegations. I realise that despite of someone doing only good to others and treating them as one and equal, they can still be attacked and accused by others due to different fears, misunderstandings, unclarity, caution and projection of past experiences. I commit myself to when and as someone is treating me as a suspect of doing something wrong and my mind is producing thoughts like: “I feel deeply insulted for someone even thinking that I am capable of harming others since I am the guy who does nothing but good to others!” to stop and breathe. I then continue to listen what the accusation are calmly and explain my perspective without taking it personally and understanding that until others will also not take full responsibility for their participation in the mind, I will still have to face the consequences of their points of separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my responsibility is only to work on transforming my own mind patterns and after that my work is done and I can enjoy life in peace and happiness. I realise that this this is not true because we are all one and in this together and that no one is free unless we all are free. I commit myself to when and as I meet someone where I see that they are struggling with their mind patterns and I get thoughts like: “This is their own problem and I must not assist them but only leave them alone to face themselves!” to stop and breathe. I then support them the same as I have been supported by others in order to give forward what I have received within patience and persistence until all beings will transform their mind patterns to the level where we all will be able to live in harmony and abundance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in massive thinking about all possible sorts of scenarios of how the meeting with someone could look like immediately after someone announces that they want to meet with me. I realise that it is futile to think about how some event will look like in the future because such thinking is only separating me from what is currently here and is not assisting me in any way possible. I commit myself to when and as someone schedules a meeting with me and my mind starts to create all sort of imaginations about how the meeting might look like and what the results might be to stop and breathe. I then while waiting for the time of the meeting focus on being productive with what is here and prepare practically for that meeting and nothing more. The fact is that many scheduled meetings even do not take place since something can change and any meeting can thus be delayed or canceled even just a few minutes before the scheduled time of the meting.
In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Working Through Your Blame from the Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

10 April 2017

Day 154: Meeting Jehovah's Witness

Several days ago a man age around 40 dressed in a suit rang our house door bell. He gave me a leaflet and invited me to a meeting to discuss about life. I took a leaflet and just by the illustrations used I recognised that he is a member Jehovah's Witness religion group. At that time I was doing something and I expected the postman to arrive so I was surprised that someone else was at the door. Just that disappointment already created a subtle emotional reaction that then only started to accumulate. Then soon the postman actually came while I was still chatting with Jehovah's Witness at the main door. So I became dissatisfied that he is interfering with my communication with the postman that I expected. After the postman left I continued talking with the Jehovah's Witness and explained him my point of view until he eventually left knowing that he would not be able to convert me to his religion.

During the chat with Jehovah's Witness I remembered how my grandmother in her late years after her husband died and she moved to the retirement home, she also became member of this religion. She started to visit the meetings, read their bible however they did not let her to be baptised because she did not truly understand and accepted their belief. I drove her to their religious facility many times and I also attended a couple of session. In my past 15 years I read all the holy books of world religions that were available in our public library, I listened to many priests and gurus and also become part of several religions for a short period of time. I wanted to experience which religion is the best, which can explain the existence in the most detail and what explanation is actually the truth. 

Jehovah's Witness are definitely one of well organised religious groups that I met. Firstly they usually visit people's homes in couples. So I was a bit surprised that the guy who visited me was alone and I started to ask myself is this because number of their members had decreased and can not afford any longer to visit others in tandem. When in public Jehovah's Witness are also very well dressed, they keep detailed records who they have visited and what the response were and are very consistent. During the religious meetings they give excellent presentations with best sound equipment, dedicated stuff brings microphones to participants who want to say something and they have nice meeting halls. They are also very effective in raising funds and translating their texts to almost all world languages. 

However I learned during my research how religions were specifically created to mentally enslave humans, to control and divide us. I noticed how those who are part of Jehovah's Witness group are not capable of common sense and are equally possessed and blinded by their beliefs like any other religious groups. But the question here is if I have proved to be any better? Have I been teaching by my own example what is the utmost potential of human beings? The answer is no. Because it was not nice from me that I held quite emotional conversation with the poor guy only at the main house door and have not invited him to my living room. I know that he is blinded by religion but I have not become one and equal with him and was not effective in showing what is a better way for humanity to live in peace, abundance and mutual respect.

The point is that I have reacted to the visit of Jehovah's Witness from point of frustration, past experience projection, blame, spite, envy, fear, anger, hopelessness and superiority. And despite of consciously knowing what is the best approach in building a supportive relationships with other, I at that time did not applied those principles practically. Instead of becoming envy about their effectiveness to recruit new believers, it would be best for me to apply the principle of research everything and keep what is good. I could share the Desteni message with greater effect if I would invite the visitor to my living room and ask him about his life experiences and what lead him to becoming a Jehovah's Witness. Instead I emotionally reacted due to my belief that members of his religious group are so well brainwashed that trying to explain him anything that would challenge his beliefs it is a pure waste of time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to react with emotion of disappointment when I opened the front house doors and instead of the postman there was someone else there. I realise that despite of expecting someone to come at certain time there is always a possibility that someone else will come at that time. I commit myself to when and as I notice that someone else has arrived instead of expected individual and my mind is producing thoughts like: “What the fuck is now this person doing here instead of the individual that I am expecting!” to stop and breathe. I then ask the unexpected person what they want and explain that currently I do not have time to talk with theme since I am expecting someone else to come however they can return later or schedule a meeting with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to react with emotion of superiority when I noticed that a member of religious group has come to visit me. I realise that Desteni message is about equality and oneness and that I am entitled to present myself as Destonian only if I also practically live Desteni principles in my everyday life. I commit myself to when and as I am confronted with people of religious views and my mind is producing thoughts like: “I must now quickly show how they are wrong and how I am right!” to stop and breathe. Then I engage in conversation with them, allowing enough time to create friendship, to research and understand their life story, what benefits they get from their religion and then to explain how humans do actually not need any religion but can live in harmony and mutual respect by simply following certain principles and taking responsibility for participating in our minds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with emotion of envy when the member of Jehovah's Witness started to present the facts about how many members they have across the world and in how many languages their information has been translated. I realise that it is not productive to be envy about achievements of others. It is much better to learn from others who are successful and to eventually become equally successful in what we want to achieve. I commit myself to when and as I notice the achievements of other and my mind goes like: “What the hell, I hate them so much for their achievements!” to stop and breathe. I then ask what is their secret recipe and pick their brains so that I can get smarter and more effective in making this world the best place for all. 
In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled The Dawn of Religion from the Reptilians series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

20 March 2017

Day 153: Pain in the knee due to polarity backchat

Couple of days ago I went to my regular 1,5 hour hike on the nearby Kalvarija hill at Maribor city in Slovenia where I currently live. It was a warm sunny spring day and I decided this to be my first barefoot hike of this year. There are grapevines planted all over that hill and several week ago they trimmed them and left excess twigs piled along the bottom footpath where I usually start the hike. Usually the piles of wigs were removed soon after cutting but this time they have mulched and spread across the whole width of the path. When I walked barefoot over the part with mulched twigs it was quite painful and I became angry at the vine caretakers who obviously did not think about how the path would now become troublesome for barefoot hikers. During the hike I noticed that my right knee became more and more painful and towards the end of the trip I almost started to limp. The pain persisted through the whole next day so I decided to schedule a session with one of the kinesiologists at Desteni who are trained in pointing out the exact mind patterns that cause the pains in human physical body.

The first available session with a kinesiologist was the following afternoon. In the mean time I had a short chat with my flatmate who is also walking Desteni I Process course for self-realisation. While talking about what could be the cause for the pain in my right knee besides resentment towards the vine caretakers I remembered also another business related event from the previous day. And when I went to bed that evening, I kept the palm of my right hand over the painful knee in order to alleviate the unpleasant experience. The next day I had no more pain and when I had the kinesiology session, the practitioner asked what my problem was and what I think could be the cause for it. While describing both theories that I was able to think of, she pointed out that it was the business related event that was the cause of the pain thus I am now writing this post to look deeper in this point in order to pay it all the needed attention for not to be triggered again.

I have been a leading promoter of Spurt debt-free global currency for more than one year now and the moment when it will become fully convertible to other currencies is approaching fast. Individuals will be able to pay off all debts, self-liquidating line of credits for housing and sustainable projects will be available thus it is a social currency, partially something like Equal Money System that I have been also promoting for the last 6 years. It is planned that all Spurt users will eventually receive MasterCard or Visa debit card that will enable them to pay for the groceries and other monthly expenses directly in fiat currencies. Recently the Spurt management announced that those who have opened their Spurt accounts before January 1st 2017 will received debit card with 5.000 EUR and those who will open their Spurt account by the end of March 2017 will receive debit card with 1.000 EUR preloaded, without any subtraction from their Spurt account balance. So Spurt company will basically give this money as a reward for being patient until the Spurt will become fully convertible. And the only thing that is needed to open Spurt account is to send 50 EUR deposit via PayPal or bank transfer that immediately converts to 50 SPU and to fill out the online registration form.

When reading about this news I could not believe it since who would just give so much money for any new currency user without any other additional requirement. But just to be completely sure I called the Spurt director and had a Skype chat with her. She confirmed this fact but also expressed worry that this offer could attract many greedy people who will not understand the value of Spurt and how to directly use it to do business without need of being convertible at all. She wanted me to promote Spurt in such a way to firstly explain all other benefits of using Spurt and only when they see the value in it shall I also inform them about additional bonus in form of prepaid debit card. I think that requirement then triggered a massive polarity backchat within me where I wanted to tell the whole word about how they can generate 950 EUR profit by investing only 50 EUR however they would before that need to firstly become excited about the sole value and usability of Spurt. And the challenge is also how to persuade others to open their Spurt account without being able to tell any kind of date when Spurt will become exchangeable and when exactly debit cards will be available.

The polarity backchat in my mind that triggered was thus about where on the one hand I accessed feelings like joy, excitement, cheerful, hopeful, creative, daring, fascinated, stimulated and optimistic and on the other hand I was experiencing emotions like scared, helpless, anxious, bewildered, insignificant, inadequate, embarrassed and overwhelmed. Because one downside of all this is that some people have already behaved nasty and have been frequently sending me messages asking about when Spurt will become convertible. And the other point is that I wish for everyone to be informed about this opportunity in order to profit at least 950 EUR but due to limited time and capacity I will be able to reach only several thousand people among 7 billion humans on this planet. In regards to that fact I have created a believe that I will be personally responsible for lose of profit for everyone that I will not succeed to inform and effectively convince to open their Spurt account by March 31st 2017. So I have become happy about the good news however thinking about how to deliver and perform to achieve desired outcome created overwhelming self-criticism related to perfectionism.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed by thinking about the upsides and downsides of a Spurt business opportunity due to my belief that this is a special opportunity that will permanently solve economic problems of humanity. I realise that despite of marvellous promises how Spurt will be able to deliver in the future it is not the one and only solution to current global problems as many other alternative currencies are being developed and there are massive actions being taken like global currency reset and neutering of the malicious banking leaders. I commit myself to when and as some amazing news is announced by Spurt management and my mind start to produce thoughts like: “Wow, this is so fantastic that I have to immediately tell that to whole world or I will be personally responsible to cause harm to others due to leaving them ignorant about this!” to stop and breathe. I then engage in promotion of great news with awareness that any news will have a limited reach and that whatever solution will be offered it will not be able to miraculously solve all our problems since we all must change all of our mind patterns for which it takes a lot of time and persistence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a tendency to present news in a way where I give it much bigger meaning that it actually has due to my pattern of trying to impress others and in that way receive their attention. I realise that by such action I create attachment where I try to control how others will respond and consequently also the fear of being judged by others if they will not recognise equal value in the information that I am bringing to then. I commit myself to when and as I receive some information where others may benefit from and my mind produces thoughts like: “I have to inform everybody about it immediately with great enthusiasm and let them know how valuable I am as a person who is bearer of the most awesome news on this planet!” to stop and breathe. I then consider all of my options, my limited time, the minds of others, their limited time and share any good news as factual as possible without any personal desire for attention from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself by repeating a pattern of creating polarity energy reactions of good and bad feelings where I would get excited and experience uplifting positive energy by imagining amazing future situation and then soon after that experiencing a heavy depressing feeling due to imagining what all hard physical movement, technical problems, refusal and criticism will I probably experience while trying to manifest the Utopian world. I realise that a better future for all is definitely possible however in this dimension of physicality and time it takes patience and persistent movement of many individuals who work together as one. I commit myself to when and as I am introduced with a vision of idilic future where we all live in harmony and abundance and my mind is producing thoughts like: “This will never happen since I am just a individual among many other people who will have little to no effect on this world so why even give it a try.” to stop and breathe. I then consider all the options to improve this world with awareness that if I collaborate in a global group where we share the same principles a synergy can be created and effects of my work will be multiplied many times over resulting in powerful global transformation where desired change can be manifested with great certainty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overthink when dealing with life challenges where I go in my mind and allow all sorts of imaginations and thoughts that separate me from what is here. I realise that while imagination can be used constructively and self-directed thoughts are supportive, nothing within my mind will become true if I do not ground myself sufficiently and take practical action in this physical world. I commit myself to when and as I want to find a solution and I notice that I am only constantly thinking about positive and negative future possibilities to stop and breathe. I then use the mind only for initial stage of imagining things and follow through by making physical notes, action plans, calendar appointments, reminders and timelines in order to gain stability in the attempt to effectively manifest my goals in this physical reality. 
In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Facing Choice from the Reptilians series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

12 March 2017

Day 152: My relationship with money

For the last 4 years I have been living on the public social support money and have been making some additional income by working for my father. However this does not mean that I have become lazy. I have been actually very busy for 3 years doing the sales activity for overpriced learning software that no one was able to afford and then I engaged for 1 year in promoting a new digital currency where I did earn a lot of money however it has not yet become convertible despite the initial speculations that it will become liquid asset by the end of 2016. Now I am thinking about what to do because I am tired of doing businesses that other control and where promises of earning do not come true.

My relationship with money started of course when I was a child and parents would firstly start to give me pocket money. After I finished the middle school, I became employee of my father who started to develop our family business. However initially I did not receive any direct salary but had to ask my parents to buy me what I needed. It was only after I met my first girlfriend and moved out of my parents' house when I enforced my salary to be payed directly to me. After I broke off with my girlfriend, I started to work as a sole proprietor and a freelancer where I earned more than enough for my needs. However I never decided to create a big business and employ many people due to different reasons.

One thing was that I cherished the freedom of working alone where I could take brakes whenever I wanted and spend a lot of my free time for personal growth. I also was not exposed to environment where I could learn from others how to manage big business and many employees. And I have been influenced my father who also preferred to work alone and had ideology to earn only just enough to be debt-free and disregard situations of those who are not part of our family. In recent years I have also studied extensively how money is actually made in our society where firstly precious metals and stones were used as main means of exchange, then gold-backed currencies were introduced to global economy and where now we are using fiat currency that is created out of thin air and are not backed by any real assets. Not only that, but currencies like Dollar and Euro are debt-base and have been designed specifically to create inequality, scarcity and economic slavery. And some explain that even Euro that is used in our country is not a currency but technically a United States Military Script and legally when used one actually engages in a act of war.

So I have been lately torn between promoting the Spurt new debt-free asset-backed currency that has a stable nominal value but almost none practical usability and using Euro debt-based fiat currency without any backing where I would wage war agains others by using it. But this is not the only problem, because even when considering the benefits of many new digital crypto and non-crypto currencies, there is still a challenge of defining a value to any resource, product and service. Because in recent era humanity has been given highest value only to rare inanimate objects like gold and diamonds where life had none value at all and many beings have been killed for the sake of making profit. This is also why I am a strong supporter of the Equal Money System where life has the highest value and a dignified living conditions for all form of life are the top priority.

Money has in many ways been used as form of enslavement however I am happy to see that massive change is happening on a global scale where many global leaders have decided to provide prosperity to the whole humanity and do not want any more wars. Malicious members of global elite have been neutered and their secret undergrounds blown up. Chinese Red Dragon Family are distributing their massive stocks of gold around the world for the currency to become backed by assets again. Thus global currency revaluation and reset is on the way. Some say that despite that the popping of global financial bubble will not be able to be prevented and that we are to prepare ourselves for the time of big turbulence. And with potentials of the new plasma technology developed by Keshe Foundation abundance of electricity, any chemical element, physical body regeneration and space travel potentials beyond human imagination are being made available to all.  

With enormous amount of information accessible over the internet and increasing number of opportunities, it has been a great challenge for me what path to choose. Learning about the new ways of removing any attachment to physicality and becoming emotionally non-reactive by using Keshe box in order to be able to travel space and aligning our physical body to every galactic environment had stirred my imagination. However each of those now discoveries is constantly being developed and there is large amount of information being produced on a daily basis that would require lot of time to digest and integrate. And the problem is also that lot of information is deliberately deceptive and so one can become quickly frustrated by conflicting claims. So in order to prevent going insane, one has no other option but to limit their field of study and operation and also use common sense to filter fake news.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to stop engaging in commercial activities in order to be payed in Euro currency due to learning that Euro is a military script and using it is an act of war. Thus since I want to be in peace and have also signed the Keshe World Peace Treaty I wanted to keep using Euro to the minimum and mostly use only a peaceful currencies like Spurt. I realise that even though using Euro is legally an act of war, it is still the main financial mean of exchange that most people in my and surrounding countries accept without any objection and that it would take enormous amount of time and resources before Spurt will become significantly recognisable in order to stop using Euro completely. I commit myself to when and as I want to earn Euros and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Do not accept Euro or else you will be waging war against others!” to stop end breathe. I then allow myself to accept Euros and understand the current imperfect reality in this world and the fact that we must firstly stop the war within us that we are waging war agains self and others by using energetic weapons of our feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become distracted by all sorts of new information that I stumble upon when participating on Facebook and other web sites. I realise that while it is important to be open-minded and to understand the full picture of how this existence works, by trying to understand and control what is going on outside of myself, I will not be able to keep a sane mind. I commit myself to when and as I stumble upon a new fantastic discovery and my mind goes like: “You must research this in depth since this source might completely change your life and free you from all the misery that you experience currently!” to stop and breathe. I then check the new discovery only to the level of becoming aware of its existence and continue to discover what is within me since everything out there exists only as the manifested consequence of what I allow and accept to be within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for some tool outside of me like the Keshe Plasma Emotion Box that would assist me in changing myself faster. I realise that my human physical body already is The Box that reflects my emotions and feelings by pain and other sensations that I can experience and that it is everything that I actually need to change myself. When and as I hear about some scientific discovery that is promising for the man to understand the mind and I notice thought like: “You must research this since there must be a faster and more effective method that writing!” to stop and breathe. I then rather use the proven Desteni tools of introspection and become self-reliant within the process of looking within me and transforming myself. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be afraid of creating a big business and having to provide enough monthly income to pay the salaries because I see that global economic situation is very unstable. I realise that one can not know how the business situation will actually develop in real world situation and that all predictions are nothing but creation of my imagination. When and as I decide to employ any people and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Do not employ anybody since if there will not be enough income to pay for the salaries, they will tear you apart from anger!” to stop and breathe. I then with realisation that hiring and firing people is a natural process of every big business take on board additional help and let them go if necessary without hard feelings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that by creating an organisation with many employees I will loose my freedom and become overwhelmed with trying to manage the business. I realise that there are many owners of companies that employ hundreds of thousands of people however they still manage to organise their life the way they want. I commit myself to when and as I think about creating a large organisation and my mind goes like: “Are you totally crazy, this would be an act of suicide!” to stop and breathe. I then plan to grow my business step by step and distribute all the tasks among the employees so that I can direct the projects with a peaceful mind. 
In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Freeing your Mind from Money from The Soul of Money series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

27 February 2017

Day 151: Why does my father bother me so much

Yesterday my father visited me after almost 6 months. He came because he has been for last several days present at the nearby Ptuj city annual carnival as official ancient printer and scribe. While he attracts attention with his original long beard, mediaeval black coat and black headgear with feathers, he also carries an iPad in a case that looks like an old book that he made. He came to me with a reason to pick up an old suitcase that he ordered me to collect at city antique shop couple of days ago but also to download the videos that he recorded on the festival since his iPad memory was full. While I emptied his iPad he gave me some money and asked me what I have been up to. When I explained him how I started to network with local action group to start building urban gardens, he reacted as many times before, making clear that he actually does not care what I do as long as I earn enough money to survive.

His attitude towards me makes me angry because I would like to see for my father to respect me and be interested in what I do. However he mostly focuses on his own life and does not care for others very much. Thus also whenever he asks me what I have been doing lately, I already know that it is pointless to say anything because he actually does not want to hear that I am doing any progress in my life. What pleases him the most is hearing that I am struggling because I think that in a way he does not want any competition for attention and that he likes to be in a role of a saviour. When I did analysis how his sins in form of mind patterns transferred to me, I became aware that I also did not care very much for what he was doing. However when I started to show interest for what he does and would occasionally ask him what he has been doing, he would not want to explain it to me. And this is because of his other manipulation tactic because he wants to do things in secret in order to surprise and shock others with the final product, again just for the sake of getting attention. I hate him for being like that and cycling through the same behaviour patterns year after year.

So I have been wondering what to do about him and for me how to transform such patterns that I picked up from him. Several months ago I wrote him that I have decided to completely stop working for him and having any contact and that he should find some other person to assist him with computer related design tasks that I have been performing for him occasionally. But recently he again started to call me and ask me for design assistance. He explained that his designer got sick and that he urgently needs my help due to project deadline. I did restart working for him with expectation that his new designer will take it over when he gets better. But that waiting extended for many weeks and when I asked my father if his designer has already got well, he just mumbled something and I am suspecting that he actually might got in fight with him and that he would rather continue to work with me. Now I wonder if continuation of working for him will again be solidifying my old behaviour patterns that I worked on transforming within me.

Working for my father has some benefits for me since income from my work for him, combined with the monthly social support money is just enough to cover my monthly costs. But that also keeps me in the comfort zone where I have not much interest for doing some greater projects. Somehow this lifestyle fits me quite well since I do not have big responsibilities and provides me with a lot of time for my passion of spending many hours per day discovering even greater secrets of this existence. So in one way I am thankful that my father and I have such symbiotic relationship to support each other's passions. In one way I hate and also envy him for living the words 'ignorance is a bliss' and not giving much care for what is going on outside of his small mind bubble. And in one way I also admire him for being such a hard physical worker, constantly expanding and constructing physical projects, always having enough money and also learning how to benefit from digital technology. While he likes to build with his hands and creating something big from the physical substance, I on the other hand like to live a minimalistic life and create using virtual computer tools. So our field of interest, starting points and ways of expression are quite different, in many ways a direct opposite.

Considering all upsides and downsides of our relationship the biggest question is to what extend should I live aligned with the expectations of the society that family members must have the best relationships between each others and be always willing to assist each other. And I have to decide if keeping working for my father is currently the best way of supporting my development or if it will diminish and limit me at the process of expanding myself. The question is if my desire to live my current way of life is the consequence of being regularly in touch with my father or will I be able to handle all interactions with him without any emotional reactions and triggering past memories and expand anyway? Or would it be the best to again cut off all the connections with my father so that he is completely removed from my mind which would enable me to focus on my process and projects development with greater efficiency?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry about my father because he wants to impress others with what he does. I realise that I am using the same pattern when communicating with my father where I try to impress him with knowledge, information and my latest achievements. I commit myself to when and as I communicate with my father and my mind produces thoughts like: “I must let him know what I have achieved and learned lately so that he can be proud of me.” to stop and breathe. I then continue with assisting him without and desire to impress him or wanting to be more than him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become tired and demotivated in socialising with others with justification that others will not be able to understand how I see this world in many of its dimensions. I realise that feeling of tiredness is the polarity opposite energy that is the consequence of positive emotions of feeling good that I have been striving for. I commit myself to when and as I feel depressed as the result of me allowing the thoughts like: “The world is too complex and there is no point of explaining what I see so best not to even try to explain it.” to stop and breathe. I then decide to live words like: Patience, Humility, Compassion and in graduate steps take enough time to explain to others how I see this reality and what are the solutions for the current problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that some people are beyond the ability to understand and that the best way to deal with them is to cut them off and end any further communication with them. I realise that even to people with very small capacity to understand I can give at least a small piece of information that they would be able to grasp and expand by. I commit myself that when and as I meet someone who seems to have very limited capacity of understanding and my mind goes like: “This person is so dumb that there is no point in wasting any time for trying to explain him anything.” to stop and breathe. I then consider the fact that we are all in this together and that no one is free until we all are free and give the opportunity to anyone that I meet in order for them to benefit from my interaction with them at least in some small way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up due to belief that there is no information received from others that I can totally rely on and share it with others without any danger that after some time it will be proven to be fake. I realise that while any second hand information can be fake, there is a lot of first hand information available and my personal experiences that I can totally rely on and are completely safe to share. I commit myself to when and as I want to assist others with useful information and there are thought popping up like: “Better not to say anything since there is a possibility existing that information is not true and others will accuse me of being a liar and will attack me with everything they got!“ to stop and breathe. I then decide to express my gratitude for being assisted by many individuals with very supportive insights by me equally sharing my perspectives and realisations with others so that the network of support will be able to expand much more and that we will be able to solve the problems of this existence as fast as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live only on public social support money and by doing some occasional work for my father due to believe that there is so much that I must yet learn before I will be able to assist others with sharing useful information and that I must not waste my precious time by doing some job or additional business activities just to get a bit more money. I realise that with what I have became aware of so far I have the potential to assist others greatly and that I can easily turn my helpful activities into business where all my needs will be more than covered. I commit myself to when and as I think about assisting others in a professional way and my mind tries to shut me down with thoughts like: “There is already so many information about everything available via books and internet that it is absolutely no point in adding anything to this already too overwhelming body of information!” to stop and breathe. I then decide to slow down, structure my approach and be as useful as possible for the whole humanity by actively moving in this reality and assisting others as much as I feel that I am capable of.
In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Sins of the Fathers from Life Review series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

20 February 2017

Day 150: The origin of excessive self-criticism

Initially this blog post was to be about how I experience myself towards men because in my previous blog I walked how I experience myself towards women. However after my Desteni I Process course buddy reviewed my previous post, she indicated that I only brushed some of the related points and suggested me to expand on those points in the following posts. So this writing will be expansion of the pattern of excessive self-criticism that is becoming more and more prevalent with increasing responsibility within my professional work. I have been in position of leading Slovenian promoter of Spurt alternative currency for almost one year now and since some predictions about when the currency will become convertible did not fulfil yet, people are pressing on me and some even accusing me of lying and walking away due to disappointment. And I definitely do not want to be labeled as a liar and loose my integrity.

I perceive myself as a good person with a sensitive heart and I experience minor hart arrhythmia several times during a day. However I am successfully able to stop it by focusing on my breath and in case when I feel that my hearth is being weakened too much due to stress and worry, I take a brake, do exercise, go out in the nature and recuperate. However I currently live a quite stressless life style and spend most of the time alone in my room where I can rest and have a peaceful retreat whenever I want. Most of the communication that I do with other people is via Facebook and if someone tents to bully me too much, I am able to simply block them and the situation is solved. I am having hard time to imagine how to handle strong personal attacks face to face. And this is especially because I know that some people are in low state of awareness and can get so emotionally possessed that they are incapable of hearing and understanding what is being said to them. So in liv events people can even physically attack and even kill you.

Cool examples of people that are masters in handling live personal attacks are politicians, especially presidents. I admired previous US president Barack Obama how he was able to handle people with directing his words and keeping his cool and the new president Donald Trump is even greater example of immunity to deepest public mocking. He even participates in TV comedy shows that targets his strange hair, orange tan, the way he speaks, his small hand and every single mistake that anyone can find in order to target him. And despite all of that, he remains centred, relaxed and focused on achieving his goals. This is definitely a level of self-confidence that also I want to achieve since I want to improve the current world system which means that I plan to become a public personality and in limelight of all sorts of media that will question everything that I do.

Now if I look what made me to become so sensitive to criticism and why I am also criticising myself a lot, let me start with my early age. One of the factors was that I was the the oldest child and they are generally expected to become a responsible example for the rest of the younger brothers and sisters. Then there is a public education system that systematically suppresses self-expression, individuality and forces you to become obedient part of society that respects authority. However what created excessive self-criticism was the projected low self-esteem of my father that escalated especially after I finished the middle school and became employee of his family graphic business.

So the first problem was that my father did not treated me as unique being with own self-expression and did consider me mostly as the product that was shaped by his own image. This is a common mistake that parent make since they ofter consider their children as a better version of themselves and want them to experience what they lacked to experience and prevent them to experience all the bad thing that they experienced when they were a child. This then creates tyranny and suppression towards their children that can be in the same way transferred from generation to generation. My father wanted me to excel in order to show my achievements to others. An when others would praise me he would feel like they are praising him personally. So in his eyes there was no difference between me and him and whatever I have done it was like he did it. Consequently also every criticism that I received was felt by him like he himself is being criticised. Thus he wanted to make sure that I never do any mistake and criticised every mistake that I made violently.

Consequences of my mistakes got especially significant weight when I started to do design and pre-press work in our family graphic company. I was the one who did the typesetting, colour separation of logos and created films for the screen-printing department that was managed by my brother. He then collected the graphic films, prepared the screen for each colour and printed any object that was necessary to print in the screen-printing technique. The objects that he printed on were sometime very cheap like transfer paper or self-adhesive foil, however some times he printed directly to T-shirts, bags, umbrellas, lighters and other promotional products. Some of those objects were very expensive and if they were be printed with a mistake in the content of the print, it resulted in a quite high cost of damaged goods that our company was responsible for. Not only that the high valuable products were ruined but it also resulted in a lot of wasted time and anger by my brother since he had to do all the time-consuming process of preparing the screens and printing machines again.

Since I was the only employee who did the pre-press in our company among also other jobs like creating signs from self-adhesive foil, I was under a lot of pressure and was pressed to work as fast as possible. I had to type on the computer fast and it is hard to be accurate and not to do any mistake under such pressure. When I would do some typing mistake, my brother went to my father to file a complaint and my father would then come to me with anger and instructing me to type slow, pressing only one key at a time order to be sure not to make any typing mistake again. That confused me quite a lot since he somehow expected me to type slow and perform fast at the same time. Obviously when my brother came to him to criticise me, he felt like himself is being criticised and then he criticised me in order for he as me not to be criticised again.

So the problem in every business process is how to handle errors and mistakes that also result in high cost of created damage. When someone writes a book, there is usually someone that was responsible for proofreading and editing of the text before printing so that there would be no mistakes in the final printed book. I wanted to implement a similar protocol in our company but the problem was selecting or providing a person that would take such responsibility. Most of the time it was me that sent the final design to the clients in order for them to check the validity of design content. However it was discovered that clients in most cases did not notice the error because their eyes saw what their mind expected to see and not what was actually there. Our company never hired any professional proofreader so it was mostly I that made the effort to check if any error existed and from time to time I did miss some and the game of blame repeated over and over again.

The reason why relationships and working conditions in our company did not improve was because my father was not honestly interested in quality. All he wanted was to be praised and his most powerful tool was a surprise tactic. He wanted to feel good by making others feel good when he would present a product that others would be excited by. So when someone would place an order he wanted to deliver the product as fast as possible and with as less complications as possible for his own sake of immediate emotional gratification. That is why he did not supported my initiative to communicate with a client during the production process and was especially not fun of clients taking the responsibility to proofread the content before the printing. What my father basically wanted is just to take the order and as soon as possible to visit the client, ring the door bell and make clients extremely excited about the finished product so he could feel good.

Eventually my father even started with his own spin-off project of original Gutenberg wooden printing press reconstruction where he would be able to be in the eyes of the public even more often and receive live compliments at cultural and historical events. Lack of his focus to management of our company business eventually lead to my decision to leave the job and establish my own business. And even now, many years after that event, I am still occasionally doing some long-distance work form my father where he is showing that he still did not learn the lesson. He still rather keeps communication with clients to minimum with hopes to surprise them as much as possible. However many times clients are far from being satisfied with him since many expect close collaboration and being asked if something about their order information is not clear enough. My father rather risks creating a big disappointment of his clients instead of making sure that none of the mistakes are made due to misunderstanding and wrong expectations.

Soon after I left our family company my brother convinced my father to take over the business which he did. Now he is also in the position of doing the pre-press job so he has the opportunity to experience the taste of his own medicine. Now he has no one to complain to for any design mistakes that he makes however we do not communicate much and I did not ask him what process he has implemented to prevent the mistakes and creation of costly damage. And I also after becoming freelance designer had to pay attention that the final product is correct. I made sure that clients reviewed the final drafts and that by signing they took full responsibility for any material cost that could manifest in the process of design reproduction. Eventually I transitioned to focus only on professional photography where there is no danger of creating a mistake in the content. I simply captured the picture of the reality as it manifested in the moment. However when I decided to do also the wedding photography, I was again challenged a lot because there were important moments in the ceremony that I was not allowed to miss and also the processing of the photos had to be very different that in documentary photography.

The question here is how much I was responsible for the mistakes that I made in my life. Because as I already became aware of in my previous posts, I played an energetic emotional polarity game with my father, similar like my father and my mother did. I wonder how many times I subconsciously made a deliberate typing mistake in order to retaliate for emotional abuse of my father and how in such cases have equally gave priority to experience emotional energy of self-pity instead of removing all energy addictions and actually creating a sustainable solution for the production problems in our company. And how much I enjoyed to be the only one who did the design and pre-press work in our company in order for only our family members to be in the key production positions instead of expanding and allowing also for other people to become employees and support the production for the mutual benefit of all workers and clients equally.

So one thing that I see as important is to remove all energy addictions and to actually perform based on the principles of what is best for all. And then to also understand that mistakes will happen from time to time since one is able in every moment to have control only about limited things in this existence. So forgiveness and especially self-forgiveness are necessary to be applied as often as possible. A fine example of such forgiveness has been demonstrated in the short Public Statement video by Dave Schmidt where he apologised for his assumptions and stepping over the limit. And I also want to develop more humility and ability to repent and to feel real shame for all actions where I acted based on self-interest and was directed by energy of the mind instead of principle of what is best for all. Because I also in quite large extend copied the pattern of my father where I wanted the attention from other people. The difference is only that I did not use physical products in oder to impress others but used high and very advanced knowledge and information to achieve the same result.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my father for being addicted to good feelings of being praised. I realised that I also developed similar pattern and thus I have no right to judge him. I commit myself to when and as I think about my father with thoughts like: “He is such an emotional manipulator and I am so much better than him!” to stop and breathe. I then rather focus on my own weaknesses and make sure that I remove them as many as possible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to punish my father by playing the game of self-victimisation, self-pity and giving up on myself. I realise that staying in such polarity role is only sabotaging myself since it limits my potentials and prevents my self-expression. I commit myself to when and as I interact with my father and my thought go like: “You are welcome to demand from me anything that you want but I will show you how much you have hurt me and how much I still suffer!“ to stop and breathe. I then communicate with him without any resentment, create mutual agreement and work for him equally as for any other being. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my father for not providing a system of proofreading while I was working for him. I realise that even when I have worked as a freelancer I did not collaborate with any professional proofreader and have made my clients responsible for any costs that might occur by reproduction of design with error. I commit myself to when and as I look at how my father managed our business and my mind goes: “He was so irresponsible for not providing a professional proofreading system!“ to stop and breathe. I then rather focus on my current work and make sure to provide a better system for my clients in order to prevent as many mistakes as possible. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to fear presenting myself in the public due to danger of being criticised. I realise that this fear does not originate in others behaving irresponsible but is result of my addiction to self-victimisation and projecting blame towards others. I commit myself to when and as someone criticises me and my mind goes: “Oh now, this world is so unjust and I am such a poor innocent victim!“ to stop and breathe. I then listen to words of criticism and admit that I was wrong if some mistake that I make has been exposed or I stand my ground and defend my integrity if I recognise the criticism as nothing but lies. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear admitting that I made a mistake and to fear apologising myself. I realise that we all constantly learn by trial end error and that making mistakes is part of being alive. I commit myself that to when and as I make a mistake and my mind produces thoughts like: “Quickly hide what you have done and save face in order for your track record not to have any black spots!” to stop and breathe. I rather apologise for my mistakes, learn from them and not allow others to continue bullying me by repeatedly reminding me about all the mistakes that I made in the past.
In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Respect, Integrity, Trust and Honour from The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.