28 July 2018

Day 166: Developing own vs joining other projects

Several weeks ago I reached out to an old friend since I noticed that he was now in the top management position of an organization that I have been following or several years now. I wanted to make a friendly connection and offer my assistance and useful information for their project however communication did not flow as nice as I imagined. After several emails, things became increasingly emotional, then they calmed down and I started to realize that I did not approach the communication from such point of equality as I perceived myself to do. I then talked to my neighbors about that and took general responsibility for my involvement, however, I still felt that I need to go more in-depth using writing in order to take back full responsibility for my actions and non-actions in regards to that matter.

So recently I have checked the website of an organization with a project that has a lot of similarities to the project that I am currently developing. I remember wanting to connect with that organization several years ago when I have been distributing a product which could be very useful to integrate into their workflow and would result in great benefits for their clients and economy. At that time it was some other person that I communicated to and was the founder of their organization. My first approach attempt was via phone but they said that they were busy with preparation for some deadline. I am not sure if I attempted to contact them after they reached the deadline, however, I do have notes of visiting them two years later when they exhibited their project. I spoke personally to the founder and have sent them an email the next day, however, to this day I did not receive any reply. After that, I moved to another city, worked on other kinds of projects and did not follow them for the last 3 years.

Now, when I visited their website again, I have been impressed by how far they have developed their project and what especially caught my attention was that my old friend was part of their management. We both have been peers at an education program where we learned many personal and business management skills. I started to contemplate if I should rather join them and assist in developing their project than developing my own from the scratch. I checked the description of their project in detail and noticed some facts that are not aligned with what I stand for. When I sent the first email to my old friend it was supposed to be short and neutral however I see that it already included comparison and some criticism. So instead of actually checking how my old friend has been these years and inviting him to a personal meeting, I already had reservation about that.

When I read his reply I reacted to his suggestion that if I wanted to join I would have to go through a specific training and that they include approaches beyond what is described on their website. So he too had his reservations due to their previous experiences. He was willing to meet with me but only until a specific date since after that he plans to be away for some time. I realize that I reacted with envy to their current expansion, his absence and their systematic approach that required an investment of my time and money. My next email reply thus reflected my emotions since I included additional criticism and extended information where I wanted to express my doubts about joining them. Then he directly expressed his feelings of resistance to my writing and exposed how I am actually not walking the talk. I continued the correspondence by admitting my biases and eventually exposing some of the past experiences that taught me to be careful about joining other projects.

One of the factors that made me create resistance was also an observation that nor the organization founder nor my old friend were active on Facebook. A year ago I invited the founder to participate in the international online conference and contribute to their perspective about the enhancement of human society, however, I received no reply. Not only that, my old friend even responded that he does not have a Facebook profile since he rather spends his active and free time in other ways. I basically was not able to find any information about him online. That was a very unflattering fact since for me the online presence is something very useful for networking and building trust. From my perspective, anyone who wants to be a leader and create an organization that is to be an example for generations to come can not afford to hold any negative relationship towards informational technology. I am using social media in a very productive way and find it useful especially for international collaboration where personal meetings are not possible due to vast distances.

So there were many things inside me that directed me unconsciously during the conversation with my old friend and I have not been completely clear and honest about that with myself. Actually, after noticing the success of their projects they started to represent a big temptation for me since I wanted to create almost exactly what they have been building. However, I joined many projects in the past several years where I resonated strongly with their mission and vision and they all left me down. This lead me at the beginning of this year to my commitment that I will under no circumstances ever again join any project that is managed by others and that I will be focusing only on developing my own projects where I will be fully in charge. Thus when I started to communicate with my old friend it was very unpleasant to realize that I have been contemplating about breaking my commitment to my own current project. Basically, I just wanted to give my old friend the opportunity to convince me into joining them while I gave him all the reasons why I do not want to join them.

Realistically the way I wanted to create my organization and the realizations that I want to implement is far beyond what is able to manifest by me joining other organizations. I have made many attempts to do that but it always failed. I wanted to work as support staff with others because I have not yet developed sufficient leadership skills to manage big teams. So I concluded that it would be a more productive investment of my time if I join other teams and create synergy. However, I have decided now to develop myself as a leader despite moving slower than other leaders. Because previously my starting point was to produce a certain visible positive effect in society during my lifetime. However, after realizing that the necessary change will take many generations I am now rather building strong foundations where others will be able to build on even after I will be long gone. No matter how long it will take, I plan to build it right in order to stand the test of time and create the best long-term effect for all living beings in existence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that whoever is not on Facebook cannot be trusted. I realize that many people are not on Facebook for many reasons. Some are not aware of complete Facebook functionality and usability and treat it just as optional entertainment. Old generations are uncomfortable to use it since they find computers and all online related technology overwhelming. Many business leaders are not on Facebook since they are focused on using LinkedIn or other means of electronic communications. And there are also some who want to hide from their past, from public eyes, or have fears that they will be monitored and abused by secret government services. Thus when and as I stumble upon someone who is not on Facebook and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Do not collaborate with that person since they can not be trusted!” I stop such thought by breathing and rather ask them directly what is their specific reason for not being there. And then to communicate with them via the media that they are most comfortable using. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build a resentment towards people that do not respond to my messages in a reasonable time. I realize that all people are not so good organized like me and have not such good computer equipment and fast access to the internet like I currently have. Reasons for others not responding quickly are also sickness, accidents, missed messages, too many messages, spam filters, business in private and professional life and many more. So when and as several days after I have sent the message my mind is producing thought like: “They have not replied in time thus it is best not to collaborate with them since they are not reliable!” I commit myself to stop and breathe. I then rather take into account any possible scenario, resend the message and try to contact them via other means in order to find out what was the specific reason for them not answering promptly the first time. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who will not be able to develop sufficient leadership skills in this life in order to properly direct a big organization. And thus that I should rather join other organizations and work in middle management or something more aligned with my current skills and capacity. I realize that my point is not just about placing myself in some organization in order to be somehow useful for society but much more. Considering the advancement in my process of self-realization, I can not accept anymore to work for an organization that is not considering the principles of full personal responsibility for all existence and equality of all living beings. Thus I commit myself to when and as I contemplate where to work and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Life is short and considering your age and your skills, best to get a job in some established company!” to stop and breathe. I then slow down, look beyond my lifespan and create an organization that will fully embrace the described principles, no matter how long it will take.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start communicating with others without firsty making sure that I have faced all energetic movements that I have in relation to the individual that I plan to communicate with. I realize that thoughts, emotions, and feelings that I have toward an individual will sooner or later reflect in a conflictual relationship if I do not face them beforehand. Thus I commit myself to when and as I am about to communicate with someone and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Just go ahead with communication since you are clear enough and if they react to your words it will be solely their own responsibility!” to stop and breathe. I then rather face the unresolved mind points that I have towards the individual and start communication only where I have cleared them completely. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to communicate with the people that I have not been in communication with for many years based on my memories about them from when I last spoke to them. I realize that people constantly change and that even after several months let alone years, they can change significantly. Thus I commit myself to when and as I reconnect with someone that I have not seen for a long time and my mind is telling me something like: “Just talk to them like you used to talk last time you saw them!” to stop and breathe. Then I rather ask them what they experienced since we last talked and how that influenced their life, or even better to invite them to a personal meeting where an exchange of past experiences and alignment with who they are now would be even more effective. 
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