31 October 2010

2010 - The starting point of my blogs and vlogs

Based on some recent comments, I am now going to dig deeper into what is my starting point of doing blogs and vlogs at this moment.

I have exposed already that I have become used that knowledge and information is what is important on this world in order to succeed and be accepted by others. This is the most prominent general programming that I have received from my parents, educational system and overall media. In the past, there have been many moments where I felt very good about my ability to articulate my verbal expression to the extent that some people were amazed. Like in politics for example, people use uncommon vocabulary simply with awareness that if others are not understanding clearly the meaning of all words that they use, they would be considered as smart and more important than others. I have become used to express myself cerebral to the extent that it has become a part of my default expression. I have found strange to see that some people are not able to understand what I am saying and I have attributed this to their poor vocabulary, since they supposedly did not read as many books as me.

My life has been very much turning around knowledge and information and my approach has been mostly thought logical, analytical and intellectual mind. I have been aligning my movement as the individual system within the collective system, based on the information feedback. So I was not actually moving myself based on some deep realization, and lived basically in my mind. Since Desteni process is about stooping down from the mind into the physical, it is quite hard and challenging process. My initial approach showed my attempts of analyzing the Desteni knowledge, integrating it into my mind and sharing it through my mind. This has resulted in mimicking others, copying words and trying to be like others. I tried to fit in, but fitting into Desteni by using the mind is not very successful. So I am now pushing myself forward with intent to release the mind and to become one with the physical.

Some have suggested me to align my blogs and vlogs with the starting point to support the Desteni Income Plan. I understand this suggestions like I am suppose to emphasize the information about the Income Plan, Introduction To Desteni Course, Structural Resonance Alignment Training and Equal Money System. So, to share the message more extensively and underline their benefits for the individuals as for the world society. I could do that simply by integrating more information into my blogs and vlogs, but I feel like I would be dishonest at this moment. Like so many times before, I have tried to present myself as something more, using certain information or becoming a part of some group. I was in deed seeking for some answers about what is the meaning of life, however I have acted at all this occasions basically from my mind, fanatically shared just the knowledge and information and thus produced the opposite effect. I have learned my lesson and I am not going to make the same mistakes again.

So I am not going to try anymore to use my blogs and vlogs or the Desteni in order make myself important in the eyes of others. I am going to stabilize my feeling and emotions first, and then share the message, tools and the solutions of Desteni. I understand that it is in vein to share something that has not yet become a part of you as the physical. So I am at this moment not trying to 'advertise' everything about Desteni, but only the points that have become a part of my personal realization. I will use my blogs and vlogs in order to share my current self, without attempt to present myself as something that I am actually not. I understand that I have many points to face and release, so that is my primary goal at this moment. I feel too much separated from what Desteni stand for in totality, so I do not want to represent something that has not yet become a part of me, as the living word of who I am.

I would very much like to help others and bring the solutions to this world, but I can not help others if I do not help myself first. We all perceive others through the filter of our personality, so how is one able to support others, if one can not see clearly the root cause of the problems. Helping others has in fact become a common way of running away from facing ourselves. All the pre-conditioned programming that we have accepted, allowed and become need to be released first in order to become qualified for supporting other at the process of self-realization. I understand that there are many problems in this world currently: starvation and wars, and these are the reasons to hurry. But in order to bring the proper solution that would remove the root cause of this problems, one needs to walk slow and collaborate with others in order to bring the best solution that would stand the test of time. There have been many revolutions, many people who have moved masses of people, but they all failed. They were unable to see the whole picture, since they have not yet gained the full understanding of who they are as selves in the first place. So let us now learn from others, from the history, and walk slow and together, in order to not make the same mistake again.

  1. I forgive myself for allowing myself for wanting to help others, instead of first helping myself and then helping others, since I can only help others to the extent of my personal realization.

  2. I forgive myself for allowing myself to hurry, since if I move fast, I am not able to face all the points that need my attention in order to be effective in making this world a better place.

  3. I forgive myself for allowing myself to work alone in order to feel special, for other people to perceive me as the one with the best solutions, instead of realizing that we are all interconnected, we all contribute to this reality equally, and that we need all to work together as equals in order to bring the heaven on earth.

  4. I forgive myself for allowing myself to perceive life as a road which has a start and the end and has a limited length, so I need to hurry and do as much things as possible, to live as fully as possible, caring just for self-gratification, instead of realizing that time is just a projection of the mind, and that what actually exist is only this present moment. Thus to live means to be fully present with your full awareness here in every moment of every breath and not allowing any thoughts, feelings and emotions to distract me from living here.

30 October 2010

2010 - Birthing myself from the physical

In regards to my Desteni process, I have noticed that I experience some resistance in some ways while reading and watching blogs and vlogs of others, and sharing myself by writing and making movies.

Like when I write, I take a lot of care of my blogs and vlogs to have a certain structural and visual design in order to impress other people. While I write I am very much aware of possibility or the fact, that others will watch my sharing and that they will judge it. Since I have this fear of what will others think of me, I do not allow to open myself up fully, and I limit my self-honesty to the point of not revealing too much of what I am ashamed and embarrassed about. I try to pick certain words and structure it into sentences, so they would feel as much poetic and artistic in the readers mind. I try to impress people with the kind of irony or humor, in order to invoke good feelings when others process what I have written. This is all a part of my self-defense mechanism. And the same goes for the visual design of my blogs and vlogs. I try to do my best, to be perfectionistic and to excel in everything I do. I them check what I have written carefully and make sure not to leave any typing mistakes.

When I look at my finished blogs and vlogs, I feel proud about them, I admire them, and feel good about my creation and also feel good about how other people will be impressed and think I am the best and will define me as something more. This starting point of sharing in order to impress others then also results in the fear of other people's opinion, expressed in the comments. When I receive a notification that someone posted a comment to my blog or vlog, I get intensively scared in the moment of noticing the notification. In my secret mind I imagine how someone out there might have made some criticism on my posts and expressed any kind of rejection of any part of what I have shared. I want others to accept me as a perfect being and not to point at any mistakes I have. I do not want to admit that there is anything wrong with myself. However the physical is telling me, that there is a lot of shit in there that needs to be faced with. And I do not want to admit that, I do not want to dig into my secret thoughts, since I would have to define myself as not perfect, and I would feel bad about that. I fear that by facing and exposing myself I will loose the support of other people and all the benefits that I experience currently.

The whole point boils down to wanting to be perfect in the eyes of others, which as I wrote about several times before, is the consequence of allowing to accept and become the emotional projections, copied mostly from some close relative. I have become addicted to other peoples opinion and emotional energy. I am used not to move unless there is some energetic impulse from some person outside me. Everything I do is based on the expressed desires of others. So my expression in not self-expression, but involves the detailed analysis of other minds and aligning my expression in order to invoke the best possible feelings in them. I see this as a huge point when I look at my some close relative. The way how he creates himself is to remember the moments when others reacted to his actions with great admiration, so he moves in that direction than and intensifies his approach in order to get even more energy of adoration from others. A total idolatry-energy vampire and blood-sucker. And I have become very much like him.

This is why I can not move myself effectively to what is best for all. I wait for someone to point at something that I must do. I respond to every single request of my some close relative and my clients in order to bring me glory and money. And when I am done with the job, I become lazy. I rest, do what I find enjoyable and find it very hard to do something that I do not expect immediate result from, meaning to become better in the eyes of others. I live in my nice apartment, separated from the rest of the world and do not give a fuck about others. Everything I do is based on my self-interest. And this is really total bull-shit. How the hell have I become like that?! And all this could never be exposed properly if I haven't met Desteni and wasn't introduced to the tools of self-honesty and self-forgiveness. And of course I could get lost in my self-deception over and over again if there I would not have support of other people who brutally expose any kind of mind-fuck.

I need to get rid of all my energy determinism and start moving myself to what is best for all. And it's fucking hard since I experience huge resistance and feel myself as very heavy and drained. I am awake, but still not fully present, not the active participant, just an observer in kind of half-sleep, dreaming all day long. I watch huge amount of vlogs and blogs of other Desteni members, but I do allow myself to go deep enough. There are some occasions where something resonates with me, so I write a few sentences, and I try to give the best support to everyone. But most of the time, I feel a great separation. I do not allow myself to stop and read or watch with my full awareness, but experience a big unrest inside, I want to be somewhere else, experiencing something good, so I'm in a very great hurry to go to some place, there in the future, to the garden of eden, where I would experience myself blissfully until the end of the time. But this is all just a mind-fuck. There is no future, is is only now, this present moment, and I need to face everything that is here with my full self and do what is best for all.

  1. I forgive myself for allowing myself to define myself as energy and thus need the energy of others in order to move myself, instead of moving myself as life as what is best for all.

  2. I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel good when I do blogs and vlogs, since the reason of doing this has to be to face myself and not to impress others.

  3. I forgive myself for allowing myself to point fingers to others and compare them to myself and define me as better and more than them, instead of properly supporting everybody in the process as one and equal to me.

  4. I forgive myself for allowing myself to emotionally react to other people's support and comments, judging their way of expression and protecting my self-interest, instead of going deeper into their feedbacks, understanding what are they exposing, and realigning my points to equality.

  5. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to change, since I am not aligned with the life and if I want to live, I need to become one with life and support all life as equal to myself.

  6. I forgive myself for allowing myself to exist as separate from life and just observe it, pretending that I am not responsible for my actions and thus producing abuse, instead of taking full responsibility for every single creation in all the past from the beginning of my existence.

  7. I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear others, since others are the part of me, a part of everything that exists, so I need to take into consideration of how others perceive me and take this as a very crucial support and opportunity to change myself, since I can not see and correct my mistakes due the extent of self-deception.

  8. I forgive myself for allowing myself to yawn, since yawning is the indicator of mind shutting down an restoring itself, instead of stopping, remaining here, breathing and getting some new realization.

  9. I forgive myself for allowing myself the pleasant energies of warm and soft bed to have power over me and hold me in the bed for extensive period of time after I wake up, instead of directing myself as life, as more than the energy of warm or cold, and getting out of the bed immediately.

  10. I forgive myself for allowing myself to become obsessed with watching almost all of new Desteni members blogs and vlogs and feeling good about how others will admire the quantity of processed material, instead of realizing that I need to support myself first and then only give attention to others in regards to the remaining time available.

  11. I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel good and defining myself as better than others since I am involved in the process of self-forgiveness, instead of realizing that the point of the process is not to become greater than other, but to become equal to others as life. Only mind and consciousness can become greater than, and no one can be more and less than life, since life is in fact the existence itself.

2010 - Fear in regards to working as self-employed

In the past several years I have enjoyed working alone, in my pretty large new apartment, where I spend most of my day, sometimes all my day. Since my line of work is computer related, I can receive orders via mail, do the job and send my work back without need to leave my cozy apartment. I remember to never needed to advertise much, since I had just a few clients who were ordering regularly to do designs, pre-press. Then, when I started with photography I also had some clients who I became exclusive photographer for. I never really experienced a lack of work, and I simply enjoyed living and doing fun stuff. When the order would come, I would immediately activate myself, do the work, send it to the client, write the invoice and waited for the payment. And it all went well, I had enough of money and had I feeling like I am almost not working at all. Like the money would came by itself and I would not really have to participate a lot in order to get it.

But in the recent year, when I switched exclusively to counseling and therapeutic services, the math does not work out anymore. I invested all my money, time and energy, but no result. So I in a way feel quite frustrated, as the life is sipping out of my hands and whatever I do, all is in vein. And funny about that, that I even did not experienced any fear, like I was totally in the state of inner peace, not allowing my large bank account debt to invoke any emotions of fear. The cozy environment of my apartment gave me the impression of safety, and the computer with internet took care for the entertainment all day long. I did some moves, but they were very slow, with the peace of mind and expectations that money would soon start flowing, as it did in the recent past. But someone messed with this movie scenario, and the story did not have a happy ending. It was a great embarrassment when the bank for the first time in my life blocked my credit card, and then even more unpleasant when they started to threaten me with forwarding my case to enforced recovery. I needed to fall low, very low in order to start waking up from some kind of hypnotic state, the dream of hopes for the better future.

Now, I am beginning to experience the fear. It has nested itself in the belly area and it has became quite nasty, almost painful. It does not want to go away and it is telling me something. It is telling me, that I have become lazy, not willing to move, not wanting to do what I do not like to do, just because of the money. I wanted to do what I enjoyed, but there was not enough money in it. So I have to start doing again what I have already experienced as unpleasant before, just because of the hopes, that I would get enough money again. Well, the sole act of creating visual communications, designing and taking photos is in fact very enjoyable, but there are always many painful points included as the part of the package, so I might just take it or leave it.

For example when I work behind the computer, I have no problem with sitting down for hours without standing up even once. I get so absorbed in the work, that the perception of time totally disappears. And that is not very good, since the physical body does not move enough and then there is pain produced, at least on my butt. The pain is also involved in photography, since the professional camera and the top quality lenses sum into great weight, so the shoulders, back and the feet start to hurt in time. Fortunately my eyes never hurt, even when I work all day, staring at the computer screen, and my eyesight does not get worse every year. I am a bit short-sighted though, but I attribute this to the emotional distress. I have read once the very thick book, named Relearning to see, which explains that the bad eyesight is caused solely by eye muscle tension. It is proven that through hypnotic regression into the time of the childhood, when the person had a perfect eyesight, even the old person with very thick glasses is able to see clearly. All what is needed is to relax the eye muscles, witch can be achieved by utilizing the series of exercises, described in the book.

Besides the pain issues, then there is the money issue. The most unpleasant job that I have to do, is to set the price on my work. The first dilemma is which model of price calculation to select in the first place. Intellectual and art creation business is so intangible. For instance, the creation of logo. Will you be charging for the sum of hours, spent on the project, or will you set the fixed price on the logo design service? If you charge per hour, what steps of creative process will you measure the time for? Will you time the thinking, will you charge for research, sketches, or just for the time of drawing the final product using computer? But this way the simple logos will be more cheap and the complex logos will cost more. So by going for the more complex design, your decision is responsible for the highest price of the logo. And if you decide for the flat rate of the logo design, some client may be very demanding, resulting in many hours of work, preparing several drafts, and others may be satisfied very quickly. So for some, the price may be right, for some to low, and for some to high.

The biggest point regarding the price is the competition. Some clients look just for the price, others do not care much, but just want the job to be done in time. There is the fear of not being selected among the all other designers there, and there are quite a few. I need to fight for the job, show them that I am able to fulfill their needs the best. I don't see myself as a the greatest designer, but I can do the job very quick and I am reliable person. I know many graphic companies who are able to deliver, but the management and stuff is very difficult to communicate with. Since I am quite a nice person to get bye, the people like to work with me much better that with those who are stubborn and have high temper. Like my brother for instance. But they all have enough work, since either have very low prices, high quality, and there is quite a large demand for the graphic products these days. What counts the most is the reliability, so to deliver the goods as agreed, within the deadline and agreed-upon price.

  1. I forgive myself for allowing myself to think and fear about how the interaction with other people in the future might result in, instead of breathing, remaining here and waking each point breath by breath as one and equal with other people, to what is best for all.

  2. I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge and to fear of being judged by the people, based on my past experiences, since every person is unique, all people change in the time, so instead of expecting others to repeat behavior from the past, I should rather clear all my thoughts and allow them to express themselves without any expectations.

27 October 2010

2010 - Defusing anger points in regards driving a car

I am starting to defuse all emotional reactions that I so far considered to be to small and not worth dealing with, so I postponed and procrastinated and did not face them yet. I found challenging to decide which point to face daily, since there are many of them and I can only spent certain amount of time daily to defuse them. But this has been only an excuse and justification, and I need to face them all, one by one, starting with the first that comes up. No more excuses, simply stopping, bringing them here by writing and forgiving them. One of these 'tiny' points that I am starting to deal with today are the emotions of anger, triggered by certain events while I am driving a car.

My parents provided first cars for me and my two years younger brother when we became of age. At that time, we were both formally employed in our family graphic company, but were not practically receiving any salary, so legally it was our company that purchase the cars that we were then able to use for our personal needs. We got Renault Clio cars, I went for a white color and my brother chose the dark blue one. I was satisfied with the basic equipment, but my brother wanter to show off, so he purchased the best possible accessories available, like sport spoilers, seat, suspension and exhaust and powerful sound system with large woofers, so the car physically vibrated and jumped due to strong deep sound waves.

We also had I different way of driving. I drove carefully, complied with every single traffic regulation and speed limits, indicated every single turn with the blinker, even when turning the car on the home yard. My brother bullied me because of that, since I automatically acted upon every traffic rule, even if I was the only one participating in the traffic. On the other hand, my brother was just the opposite, he was driving fast, testing the most extreme limits, enjoyed the good feeling of having the best car, and making fun out of other traffic participants. Like for example he had a recording of breaking glass, so if some car stopped in front of him, he approached with his car from behind very fast, to close range, and then he played the sound of the glass crushing with the maximum audio level in order for sound to reached also the ears of the driver in the front car. And then he laughed loudly when the driver in the front jumped from the shock, thinking that lights of his car got smashed.

We both had a traffic accident, but it was due to different reasons. I allowed myself to be provoked by my mother, who annoyed me with constant suggestions to 'go out and have fun', since it was the weekend, but I worked the whole day and was tired as never before in my life. But still, a succumbed to her influence and went out in the middle of the night. I decided to visit some disco club witch was about half an hour drive away. I took a shortcut through the farm fields, as I remembered to be the quickest way, since we also took this road with my friends the other day. I had in the memory that the road will persist to be straight for at least some time, so I was driving quite fast. But then suddenly the road turned left and that totally surprised me. I hit the brake and the car started to loose contact with the road. I tried to keep it on the track, but could not, end the car eventually slipped off the road, rolled down the small hill sideways 360 degrees, and landed back on the wheels. I went like, WTF just happened!

I was not hurt, just totally shocked, and the car was able to drive. Just some windows cracked and of course metal bodywork got humbled. Fortunately I landed near the field and was able to get back on the road and drove to the home slowly. I felt very ashamed, since I was judging how my brother was driving, and expected him to have an accident soon, but I did never imagined that I would be involved in any car accident ever. My parents took the tragical news quite well got my car fixed, sold it and bought me a new one. But soon, my brother also had an accident as I had anticipated. He on the other hand had also 360 degree somersault, but head-on, on the clear road and in the middle of the day. He was pushing the speed limit again, but went over the limit and totally destroyed the car beyond repair. He got just a small head injury, and parents also bought him a new car eventually. He then continued to drive fast and had best cars in order to show-off and be proud since he would be better than others. And I somehow became much more humble, since I could not brag any longer that I had no single accident yet.

I also noticed that I am not tolerating and emotional reacting to certain events that I experience while driving. This is all based on self-definition of me being better and more respected drivers than others. I was proud of myself since I obeyed all the traffic regulations, and hated all the drivers who did not follow the rules to the point. I did not participate in the traffic from the point of common sense and considered that no one is perfect, but demanded perfection from myself and others. This is of course all the result of some some close relative being very demanding, constantly pushing me and going ballistic every time I made a single mistake. I copied that behavior patterns from him and then also continued to enforce them onto others.

  1. I forgive myself for allowing myself to compare myself and compete with my brother in order to prove to my parents that I am better, worth of love and acceptance, to get from them what I want, instead of considering my brother as one and equal and do what is best for all.

  2. I forgive myself for allowing myself to listen and do what others tell me to, instead of listening to myself, considering the current state of my physical body and doing what is best to support myself.

  3. I forgive myself for allowing myself to think while I drive and project illusional past memories into the present, instead of breathing effectively and focusing on what is actually in front of me while I drive in every single moment.

  4. I forgive myself for allowing myself to perceive myself as more than others while driving according to traffic regulations and becoming angry when I see that other do not follow the rules to the point, instead of simply following the regulations for the practical reasons in order to equally participate in the traffic, taking into account that other can also forget to turn on the lights and blinkers, as I also forgot several times.

  5. I forgive myself for allowing myself to hurry while driving and becoming mad when I catch someone who is driving slow, since it certainly has some reason, like being old, tired, searching for someone, and I really do not have any reasons to go somewhere, since I can only be here, in the current locations of every given moment.

26 October 2010

2010 - Emotional manipulation and projection

I still got a nasty feeling in my belly, which is indication of fear that has been accumulating these days. I feel like everything I do lately, whatever way I turn, I always make someone mad. Well, it is not like I interact with many people, but with those that I interacted lately with, there was always some kind of trouble.

First there is the bank, who surprised me in January this year with the notice that they will cancel my bank limit. And not since I would be a bad client, but simply since I decided for a different taxation method witch did not require to keep accounting books anymore. So even though I had generated enough revenue in the last year, the bank did not take this into account, and considered me as someone with not enough income. So I got very shocked when they canceled my bank limit, witch was quite large, and turned it into credit, that I now need to pay back in quite large sum every month.

Then also my intention to earn my living solely with counseling did not turn well. I invested a lot of time, money and energy into promotion, designed, printed and distributed leaflets, made a web site, provided different online payment and communication methods, invested in online advertisement, but this all did not bring proper results. The financial crisis made people to save money, so I went into debt more and more every month, until I had to stop to avoid total bankruptcy. I had a feeling like time passed very quick, the whole months went by like in seconds. It was the last time for me to stop.

And there was also quite tuff experience doing Structural Resonance Alignment lessons that also required money, time and very focused attention. It is cool that we paused for a couple of months, so that monthly expenses dropped a little. A lot of buzz was also in regards to friend with whom I went out every weekend to chill out and dance and we also visited fitness twice a week. I got tired of his small talk about girls, sex, the smell of his cigarettes, and constant arguing about total nonsensical topics. So we split a few weeks ago and we did not speak since, even if we live in the same building. Another friend, witch I get bye much more nicely with, has been escorting me in the past few weeks. But I decided also to drop the fitness a week ago to save even more money.

Then for the pas two weeks I worked for my some close relative and experienced a lot of stress, since he is a great emotional manipulator. As if I had not enough already, then some people started to harass me, from whom I would expected this the last, regarding the process they were suppose to be in. So a lot of people and the system attacked and pressured me lately, emotionally, morally, legally and financially. I did have some flirts and short term relationship, but this only took additional time, energy and money from me. I got tired of all the emotional reactive people, competitive economic system and exploitative money system. Sometimes I would rather give it all up, sell the apartment and go somewhere. But I could land even in greater troubles anyway. So I decided to stand up and take appropriate actions heare and now.

I made today a new temporary web site for my business and I also installed very cool forum on the Desteni Slovenia web site. I granted administrator privileges to one member and let him to do the fine tuning. I will let some time for heads of some Desteni Slovenia members to cool down and to start living equality and not producing separation anymore. And I know this will take quite some time, since some have very explosive mind patterns to defuse. Some might even not make it, since they lack of appropriate self-direction and self-will. But this is how it is and you can do nothing for the one who accepted and allowed the energy to be larger than life. The process takes self-responsibility and not all can be saved. And things will become even more tough in following years, many more and even larger challenges.

So no time for whining and weeping, there is a lot of work to be done in order to bring heaven on earth. First I need to focus on solving my financial situation and then go further. It will be interesting to see how the Desteni Income Plan recruitment will develop. I have not met many people from Slovenia who would qualify, since they have to be interested and stable enough in order to walk the process in the long term. This is a life commitment, so recruits have to be picked very carefully in order not to fall after few months or years. But since there are not many recruiters available currently and new people from all over the world join Desteni, I expect all recruiters to fill their 10 people capacity very soon. I am looking forward to see, if this all will develop according to the plan.

In the meanwhile I need to ignore all the people who claim to be Destonians but do not walk the talk. Since Desteni is something never seen before, with fascinating interdimensional portal, many are attracted to Desteni from the starting point of defining it as something more, very special and precious, so they become fanatic protectors and attack other in order to prove, that they found the Jackpot and have by joining Desteni became something more. But as long you do not walk the process for extensive period of time, and allow yourself to emotionally react, you have not yet became real Destonian. If you act just from the knowledge and information, you can not yet understand what oneness and equality is about. Desteni is a group of people who stand for equality and that equality has to be lived in every breath practically. Just claiming that you are the part of the Equality group does not make you one. You become a part of this group by becoming the living example of emotional stability and self-movement towards what is best for all.

  1. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be afraid of the people who claim to be Destonians, but do not walk the talk, and are thus not real Destonians. They are not actually the part of Equality group (yet), so they have nothing to say, and need to first walk the process for themselves in order to be able to contribute to equality.

  2. I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel good when I support other people, since I perceive myself then as someone more, wanting other people to think how great I am, instead of supporting people as one and equal and not allowing any kind of emotional movement inside me.

  3. I forgive myself for allowing myself to build for myself a perception that the events in the future will get worst and that I will suffer even more, instead of realizing that future does not exist, that it is only this moment that is real, and that I need to walk breath by breath, remaining here and not allowing any thinking about how the future might look like.

  4. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be influenced by anybodies opinion about me and my actions, since no one is totally able to walk and direct me as one end equal with me, we are all in the process, so I need to just listen other people's opinion without any energetic movement, and decide for myself if their suggestion is valid, considering the starting point of what is best for all and equality equation 1 + 1 = 2.

I stand alone for all life, for what is best for all until this is all done. I immediately stop every single thought and emotional reaction. I take action and forgive myself any energetic movement. I support myself effectively and give support to others as one and equal to myself. I walk the talk and do not allow myself to act from knowledge and information. I comment as much as my current realization goes and do not allow myself to try to make any good impression. I breathe effectively and feel my body and continue the process of birthing life from the physical.

25 October 2010

2010 - Finished working for some close relative

For the last two weeks my only client for my design services has been some close relative. I mostly worked at his place on his computers, and I worked at home on my computer only for several hours, just in order to upload huge quantity of photos on his FaceBook and Picasa album, since his upload bandwidth is a few times slower than mine. Two weeks ago he payed me for the past work that I have done for him and we agreed for the price of the hour of work for the future projects. I was surprised how much work has he been giving me, since I expected that I would work for him just a few hours per day, so I could also work for other clients. But since there was so much to do at his place, I did not have any motivation and time to request orders from others.

After the last payment, he said that I should not expect new payments from him for a while, since he needs to get payed by his clients first. We agreed that he would call me only if there would be some urgent job to do, so I would have opportunity to get payed also from clients who have the money. But then I got surprised when he started giving me one order after another. I also noticed that he has been buying quite a lot of new stuff, so I told myself that he obviously knows what he is doing, and that he must have decided to give me a lot of work in order to support me by paying me a lot of money, since I have presented him exactly how much money I need monthly in order to pay all the bills.

Since I got a notice from the bank yesterday that I need to pay certain amount of money to cover my debt, I summed how much money I urgently need to pay the bank and other monthly bills. So when I went today at his place, I faced him with the number. He became very surprised and upset, when he saw the sum of how much he owes me for the work that I have done for him in past two weeks. From the beginning state of shock, he slowly started to build more and more anger, trying to present himself as a victim, as I milker cow, and me as the one who is exploiting and ripping him off. When I asked him, how come that he is acting so surprised, since we agreed on the price, and he knew and saw me what and for how long I have been working on his projects, he answered that we never agreed on the price, which is certainly not true.

He argued that if I would work for the price as I requested, I would in a month earn as much as the politicians. But I have not worked for him in past two weeks just 8 hours per day, 5 days in a week, but 7 days per week, and occasionally over 12 hours per day, so many working hours accumulated in that time. I guess he did not expected that, and he also never checked how many hour accumulated in between. I did not allow to react on his provocations, I stayed calm and tried to reason with him. But as I have known him for many years, he does not use reason very much, but allows his emotions to take him over and decides to play a role of helpless victim. He eventually told me, that he will try to pay me tomorrow, since he expects to receive some payment on his bank account. But after a while, after he stirred his emotions even more, he said that he is considering even paying me nothing, since this is a robbery, and that he is considering to never order my services again.

But I did not react and simply explained him again that the price of the hour of work that we agreed upon is less that one third of what I usually charge and one fourth of what is the standard recommended price for design services in our country. And he does not want to understand, that I have to pay for the taxes, expensed and the bank credits, since I am self-employed. If he would employ me, that would be the whole different story, since the employer pays for the taxes, but this was not the case. My current monthly expenses are twice the amount of money of the minimum wage in our country. I simply can not afford to work as employee at some company, since I would get just a little more that a minimum wage. So the only option at this time for me is to work as self-employed, to get some orders, and charge per hour of work much more than I would get as someone's employee.

We agreed that starting today, I would not work for him any longer and that I would work for other clients in the future. He would just call me if there would be any urgent job to do - and here we go again. But really, I simply can not feel pity for him just because he is my close relative. If he is not able to include the price of my work in the services and products that he sells forward to his clients, this is his problem. I can not care if I work for him or for someone others. Certain people want from me money, and I need to get money, regardless if from him or from someone else. It is quite cool to work at his place, but there are many emotions, judgements and projections involved, and he sometimes forgets what he promised. So tomorrow I will hit the road and start to visit new potential clients in order to get better payed jobs without or at least with less emotional dramas.

I also noticed that I've had a very unpleasant feeling, a knot in my belly, for the last week and I was not able to release the tension. A lot has been happening lately, very fierce forum and online chats, and strong pressures from the bank. I expect that I will be able to get enough orders and thus money in order to pay my debts. But I can not know how things will develop, so I will be giving it my best to try and see what will happen. Let us introduce the Equal Money System as soon as possible in order to quit fighting about how much is someone's labour worth and establishing equality and providing for basic needs of all living beings!

23 October 2010

2010 - Pointing fingers and blaming

I got recently a few lessons and realizations. While trying to solve some situation, I tried to explain my point of view and include exact information in order to picture the situation as a whole. I included exact posts, included names and actions, in order for everything to become totally clear. I did all this for other people so see that I am right and others are wrong. But since others were not involved in the situation, and did not have personal experience, they could only give the feedback, based on the information that I have given them. So instead of receiving the feedback about the situation, I was getting the feedback about my act of sharing the information. This resulted in very fast evolving thread, going in the total opposite direction as I expected.

  1. I forgive myself for allowing myself to seek protection for my point of view by other people, not realizing that they can not have a valid base to give any kind of perspective, since they were not participating in the event.

  2. I forgive myself for allowing myself to have fear and to be lazy in facing the people who have any issues with me directly, instead of simply labeling them to be wrong, and not taking the appropriate action, standing up as life and facing everybody honestly, until we would come to a common understanding.

  3. I forgive myself for allowing myself to include the names of the people in my blogs, vlogs and forum posts in order to show everybody that they are wrong and I am rights, instead of sharing and facing my thought, feelings and emotions that are the cause of separation.

  4. I forgive myself for allowing myself to think that some people are perfect and wanting from them to give me their opinion and then not being satisfied with their opinion, instead of considering everybody as one and equal and standing alone for the principle of what is best for all.

  5. I forgive myself for allowing myself to think that I can only practice oneness and equality if I am part of some group, instead of realizing that all living beings are equal, regardless if part of some group or not, and that everyone is to stand equal to everyone at any single moment.

  6. I forgive myself for allowing myself to try to save other people, collecting the knowledge and information that I would then be able to share to others as someone special, not realizing that we are all equal in the process, that everyone has his own life lessons, so everybody can teach others only by being a living example and not to perceive to be more than others.

  7. I forgive myself for allowing myself to compromise myself, fanatically pushing the point of wanting to help others, not stopping soon enough, and getting more and more into debt, instead of taking care for a stable income first and then only contributing my excessive time and money to support others.

  8. I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel good about the extensive quantity of vlogs and blogs that I have watched so far, picturing how everybody will be impressed by my achievements, instead of considering the record only as I support and plain evidence of my advancement.

  9. I forgive myself for allowing myself to create a certain perception about someone based on information from a third party, instead of talking to that person directly and checking if the information is true or not.

  10. I forgive myself for allowing myself the feelings of fear when notification about new mail or post appears, since I allowed myself to define myself to what others think of me, wanting to please everybody, and not directing myself as what is best for all without any doubt.

22 October 2010

2010 - The history and future of me and Desteni

I started to research human behavior extensively in year 2002 when my girlfriend left me after 3 years of living together, since she did 'not feel safe'. This was a big shock for me, since by my perception was that I did everything in my power to be the best partner possible. We had a great time together, we never had any physical fight, had enough money, large apartment, so I could not understand how she could not 'feel safe'.

This event motivated me to started reading hundreds of book about psychology and relationships, and that slowly brought me to more exotic books of spirituality, esoterica and so on. I also developed a skin condition and went to visit doctor, who prescribed me some ointment, but it had no effect. So a started to research alternative medicine, have visited specialists of Chinese Traditional Medicine, Indian Ayurveda, Reiki, Angelic and other healers, who were all very self-confident in the beginning but none of their therapy had any effect whatsoever.

I also started to practice meditation, yoga and tai-chi, joined Hare Krishna and similar groups and became vegetarian. After few years of learning and practicing Tai-Chi, I decided to also start to teach it on my own, so for one season I taught three groups of students in different cities in my country as a part-time job, doing design and photography before noon and Tai-Chi in the afternoon. But after my student started to ask questions about life that I could not answer, and since the Tai-Chi started to develop in a full-time business, I decided to quit teaching Tai-Chi and continue with design services and life research.

After 8 years of researching and experiencing all sorts of philosophies, religions, healing techniques and taking many different classes, I considered myself ready to offer professional counseling services in order to start supporting people in distress more effectively. So I sold all my photo equipment, transformed the studio in a nice counseling office, renamed my business to 'The Oasis of Love', and started offering Reiki and Angelic Counseling in order to attract and help people who were more new-age oriented. But since I had not enough clients, I had to took additional job of business directory traveling agent in order to support myself.

I was also very sad to see how the health of my mother got worse every monty. She was a midwife and thus the part of our official medical system, but none of the professional doctors was able to help her. She smoked a lot, had great problems and pain in the spine, gained weight very quickly, her skin became red and started to peel-off. They diagnosed her of being an alcohol addict, but I have never seen her drinking any alcohol at all. Then she hot a tumor discovered in the stomach, had surgery, and then she lost her weight rapidly, so she started to complain how her excessive skin was hang down. And in the middle of the summer last year she committed suicide by drowning in the nearby accumulation lake. So this is why I lost all my respect for our official western medicine, since they could not save even one of their own.

In October 2009 I had an accident and while recovering at home, I met Desteni via YouTube videos. I become very exited about the message and considered it to be the best solution to the human problems. So I decided to dedicate myself to Desteni fully, applied for Structural Resonance Alignment Training, renamed my business to 'Center for Oneness and Equality', and created new web site and leaflets in order to spread the message of Desteni and Structural Resonance Alignment Training. I have searched the Open Forum in order to see if there was already someone from Slovenia at the Desteni but I could not find anybody. However I did not introduced myself yet in on the forum since I had plan to finish reading and watching all the Desteni material first and then start to participating on the forum.

I was very surprised when someone sent me an e-mail, noticing me, that he made a report to Desteni that I am teaching Structural Resonance Alignment Training. I was happy to find out that I am not the only one from Slovenia, and that there were already a few young men, who have met Desteni even sooner than me. But I was not very fun of the way of finding this out, since it resulted in picturing me as abuser of Desteni and Structural Resonance Alignment Training solely for my self-interest. This is why I was forced to throw all my leaflets away and I also renamed my business to 'Valentin Rozman' which is my real name, since the people did not understand properly what 'Center for Oneness and Equality' was about.

After that I started to present my services as 'psychological counseling' and 'psychotherapy' services, not using Desteni name in any way whatsoever, in order to attract the most wider range of the people who were seeking help regarding emotions, feelings and relationship conflicts, and not getting any more in the conflict with Desteni. There is no law in our country to prevent using the keywords 'psychology' and 'psychotherapy' to describe the sort of counseling that one is offering. I made clear that I am not a psychologist with a degree, since my knowledge and understanding of how we function is much wider and deeper. But after several months of investing in printed and online promotion of my services, I have spent all my money and still not attracted enough clients to support myself. So I had to quit promoting counseling and restart my graphic design services.

I am now considering what would be the best for all. Some Desteni members from Slovenia expressed their perspective of my professional counseling services to be the act of taking the 'middle path' and in conflict with Desteni. Since I will now start to make my income by design services, and since I do not expect many counseling clients in the future, there is no need for me to charge for the counseling services anymore. This is true especially due to the launch of the Introduction To Desteni course, since I see it as the way of supporting others in much more effective way. So I decided to present myself from now on as a 'Graphic designer in the Desteni process'. I will produce my income solely by design services and Desteni Income Plan. If anyone would like to come for counseling, I will perform it for free, simply sharing myself and inviting everybody to join Desteni and Introduction To Desteni course.

13 October 2010

2010 - Feeling better, processing posts, feedbacks, choosing celibacy

Today is the third day of suffering vertigo and the condition has improved significantly. Yesterday I spent most of the day lying on the sofa, resting and watching vlogs, blogs and one interesting, almost 2 hours long video lecture Capitalism Hits the Fan from professor of economics Richard D. Wolff, who shared his perspective about true reason behind current economic collapse in the USA. Then at about 5pm my some close relative asked me if I could do some designs for his clients at his place. He lives just 5 minutes walk away, but since my vertigo was too strong, he then picked me up with his car. I worked there until 9pm and then he drove me back. After that I spent reading blogs, forums, watching vlogs and chatting until 3am. By yesterday evening my vertigo diminished for about 40% and I got stable enough not to get nausea anymore. Today the vertigo has gone for about 80%, but I feel still too dizzy to go out and visit potential clients for my design services. So I decided to stay home, write this blog, watch some others blogs and vlogs and in the afternoon, when some close relative returns home, I got again some design work to do at his place.

Now about my previous two blogs, wherein I described my second experience with the new girl, I got two feedbacks. The first one was the SMS from the girl itself, who asked me if I got any better and she expressed her hope that I would be able to find some girlfriend that would suit my needs. Her message indicated that she read my blog, so this came quite as surprise, since I did not expect her to follow my posts. I was considering to send her the link to my blog, but since her level of understanding english is suppose to be poor, I estimated that she would not to be able to understand it that she would even get offended by sharing my experience with her publcly. But as I see, she did not only read it, but also understood and accepted it very well. We exchanged some more SMS messages afterwards and she expressed her remorse since her language skills and current life situation do not enable her to be kind of agreement like I would want to. However we spent great time together, and that is what counts the most.

The second feedback came from some Desteni Slovenia member, who experienced my writing as praising myself and trying others to feel envy. She instructed me to immediately do self-forgiveness on these points. We had online chat, and I explained her, that if she experienced any emotional reactions while reading my post, it is up to her to self-forgive any thoughts, feelings and emotions. From my point of view, she is still reacting very much from the point of preaching, criticizing, blaming and projecting her own energetic movements on to others. I noticed many of her FaceBook comments, when she would argue with others about Desteni message, and she would very soon loose her temper and use the expression like: "Face this or die!". While most of Desteni members know what this expression is about, I do not recommend to use it in the first chat with others, since they would understand it simply as life threat, and this is not the way the chat should be experienced, if you want to stand as one end equal with the person who you chat with.

I have been involved in lots of online chats lately and I realized that I have to be very patient and become one with the person in order to explain what process I am currently in and to invite one to join standing up as life. It takes a lot of time, and whenever I was in a hurry, I would just start criticizing and driving the person away. And this is certainly not the effect that I wanted to achieve. Desteni is not about mind knowledge, one needs to get true realization and properly defuse pretty much every emotional reaction first in order to be proper support for others. This is why I also hold myself back and try not to comment much at this time, since I see, that I have quite some issues to deal with myself. So I am currently focusing on watching blogs and vlogs of others and writing myself to freedom in order to become able leading constructive conversation.

So far I have dedicated myself to watch all the Desteni and Subscription Forum new videos, I am up to date with all Subscription Forum topics and with Equal Money Forum Introduce Yourself section topics. I have subscribed to all most active Desteni members blogs on Blogger, have read and commented all recent posts, and I am reading and commenting all new ones. Yesterday I have found a way to also add blogs of Desteni members form WordPress and Multiply platforms to my Google Reader application, so now there is already another 117 blog posts for me to read, which I will focus on slowly in the following days. Then I have a plan to read all the post on the Equal Money Forum, and then also to be more active in the Desteni Open Forum, at least in the Introduce Yourself section. And of course, I have started to blog more often, and I will also continue with vlogging.

Regarding my recent dating activities, I experienced it as something very time and also quite money consuming, and this is not really what I want. While holding hands, kissing, hugging and having sex is very nice, I consider all this just I waste of time, since everything in the world is falling apart, and if I do not focus now on contributing to solutions, I am allowing this agony to continue, until it would eventually also hit me very hard. So no time for distraction with relationships, and I have decided not only to continue with stopping masturbation, but even to have a celibacy, so no sex at all until this mess in the whole world is sorted out properly.


12 October 2010

2010 - Having vertigo the whole day

Yesterday I wanted to wake up at the sign of alarm clock for not to sleep more than 6 hours. When I heard the alarm, I tried to stand up, but my head was a total mess. If I would move it just an inch, I would feel very dizzy, getting strong vertigo. I forced myself to get to the bathroom and with immense effort I managed to get to the toilet, where I defecated. When I stood up, I got nausea and tried to vomit, but then I did not since the feeling passed. When I looked myself in the mirror, I noticed, that I have a red swelling under my left eye, and when I took a piss, I noticed that the head of my penis is covered with tiny red boils. Then I went slowly to the living room where I laid on the sofa.

I was lying on the sofa the whole day, trying not to move, since even slightest movement of my head resulted in a strong vertigo. I felt no need to eat and drink, I only once went to the kitchen and had one cookie and a glass of water. I continued to lie down, hoping that my condition would improve in time. But it did not. And since I did not want all day to get wasted, at about 2pm I grabbed my notebook and started to write my blog about the second visit of the new girl. And it took me about 4 hours to type it. After posting the blog, I took a nap, and then started to watch Desteni members vlogs, blogs, new Subscription forum videos and went through all of Introduce Yourself section of the Money Forum, to greet all the members. At about 2am, I went to the bedroom.

When I woke up today, I expected the condition to be improved, but it basically stayed the same. I went to the bathroom with great effort, and then stepped to the living room gently, stopping after making a few steps, since every movement resulted in great nausea. When I reached the living room with the kitchen, the nausea became so great that I vomited into the kitchen sink. Of course nothing much came out of me, since my stomach was empty. I felt a bit better after, but vertigo remained, so I just prepared myself I jug of water and placed it on the table near sofa, where I lied down and started to write this blog.

Of course I tried to figure out what is the cause of this condition of mine, and there are many possible factors. If I look back, I can see, that my weekend was quite full, busy and stressful. On the sunday morning I went with my friend to the Nature & Health fair at about 8am. It was an hour drive with my car to the Ljubljana capital city. The fair was big, noisy, and I got involved in several intense and long discussions with some people who I already knew and were exhibiting their product or services. I tried to spread the word about Desteni and invited them to check the material.

One of the conversations took place outside, in the fair yard, where I was sitting down in a bit cold windy an sunny place with some girl, who has decided to live in community at the high mountain farm. I tried to explain her that running away from the civilization and enjoying the nature is not the best solution for the world problems, but she simply kept having a large smile on her face, enjoying her good feeling, and arguing that she was once an activist, but then she realized that one can do nothing against the system and the only thing that one can do, is to care for oneself and be a living example of how one can live in harmony with nature. From the books she found out about how experiments of small groups of people meditating resulted in significant dropping of the crime rate in surrounding area.

So by her believe, collective awareness is changing automatically by keeping joyful an peaceful thoughts in the mind, and it takes just a few percent of population with changed thinking an living patterns, in order to influence the rest of population, and that is suppose to be a scientific proven fact. When I asked her if she eats, and how is she contributing to feed the starved people around the word, she answered that this world is just an illusion, that even human bodies are not real, that she eats very little and simply for the sake of socializing. Many people come to visit their farm and they all return changed. So there is no need to change the system but just to be a living example and let others to also change the way they live by themselves. She did not want to consider my arguments, she hugged me joyfully, said that I will one day realize all this, and then she left. Time will prove, whose solutions are really the best for all.

Me and my friend left the fair at about 3pm and then we picked my forgotten pants from the past Desteni Slovenia group meeting, which waited for me at the Hilda's place, and then we turned home. When we arrived to Radovljica, with is the city, closest to the places where we both live, my friend invited me for a half of pizza, and so we had a dinner. After that I drove him to his place, and I went to my some close relative's place a few blocks away, since we planned to mounting one large advertising sign for some restaurant roof. It was an hour drive, and then it took us about an hour to finish the job in the slightly wind condition. While returning back, we stopped at the Jesenice retirement home and visited my grandmother, who always prepares a lot of food for me to take it to my home.

After returning to my place, I started to tidy my apartment since the new girl was to visit me. All about her visit I already explained in the previous blog post. So the reason for the vertigo could be due too extensive exposure to sun and the wind, too intense stress, physical and sexual activities, or it could be also some food poisoning or anything else that I even did not considered yet. I experience this kind of vertigo and nausea a few times per year for no known reason and it usually ends within one day. But now, it is the same condition already for the second day and I have no idea how long it will take it to improve. If no change after two days, I might go to the doctor to check what is wrong. And if anyone of you who are reading this, have any suggestions, please comment and let me know what to do.


11 October 2010

2010 - Second date with the new girl

This weekend the girl who contacted me over dating web site five weeks ago, visited me for the second time after we met for the first time one week ago. Since our first meeting, we talked on the phone and decided to meet again in two weeks, but then she sent me the message this sunday morning, that she is not able to wait that long. So I said, no problem and that she can come over in the evening, since I had some business to do yet over the day.

She arrived at about 7pm, we talked at the expanded sofa in the living for a while and then I suggested both of us to get naked to explore each other's physical bodies. We started to kiss, touch and caress each other's bodies slowly and gently, since I wanted to enjoy ourselves this way as long as possible. I laid down on my back and instructed her to research my body, and then we swapped positions. After I while I focused on her cave of wonders and made sure with my tongue, fingers and rubber vibrating dildo, that she experienced the greatest orgasmic pleasure possible. When she could not stand it anymore, I joined her with my own magic stick and we came, hugging each other tightly and kissing passionately, to magnificent finish. Then we took a shower in a row, and I prepared a dinner. We then watched together some Desteni members vlogs, blogs and the latest South Park cartoon episode on my notebook, while lying and holding each other on the sofa. At about midnight we went to bedroom and slowly fell to sleep while hugging each other gently.

I have set the alarm clock to wake me up at 6am, and after few snoozes, I finally woke up, went to the bathroom, shaved myself, brushed my teeth and returned to bed. I intended to read some blogs until she would also wake up, but I noticed that she already stated to open her eyes, searching for me. So I laid down the computer and squeezed myself to her body. She had to go to the bathroom and returned swiftly. We continued to kiss and caress each other and we got intimate for the second time nicely and slowly, and she wondered how is it possible for me to hold for such a long time. Finally I also let myself to came and then we remained embraced tightly for quite I while. Since we could not just lay all morning, I suggested to stand up and to take a shower, and so we did.

I prepared a breakfast, we ate, tidied up and lied down on the sofa again for a while. Since it appeared to be a sunny sunday, I suggested we go out for some sightseeing. We went with my car to the nearby Radovljica city, firstly we went to the old square, took a look of Museum of apiculture, and then I showed her our sport park with the swimming pool, since she got 11 years old daughter who is a swimming champion. Then continued with the car to Bled city, a world-famous tourist attraction and congress centre, since it has a lake with an island and the church on the middle, and the magnificent castle on the rocks high about the lake. The lake is surrounded with the hills and high mountains, the nature is very green, so no wonder why many of couples from all over the world select Bled to be their wedding place.

We parked the car under the hill where there is a ski slope in the winter and tobogganing in the summer and then we took a walk around the lake, which takes about 1 hour to finish. In between we visited my friend's gallery Deva Puri which currently hosts the largest artwork exhibition of deceased Slovenian painter Maksim Gaspari, known by the motives of Slovenian folklore. After finishing the tour around the lake, I invited her to a lunch at the Bled shop centre. Since it became quite late, we decided to return to my place. She has a bit more than 2 hour of ride to her home, and she wanted to arrive there still in the daylight. So we parted about 6 pm and I told her that I will call her about the future plans. While this was so far just a story about how our meeting looked from the outside, the main reason for writing this blog is to share my thought and feelings about this whole event.

When she wrote me a first message about 5 weeks ago, she titled it "The love at first sight". This immediately made me consider that she is projecting her expectations based on my picture-presentation in my dating web site profile. So when we talked then on the phone I explained her that I am involved in the research how mind influences our lives and that she should expect from me quite a different experience and attitude comparing to common reactions of the men. She said that she is very fun of that and that she has also read quite a few books that explain human behavior. So I said ok, and gave her a chance to meet me in person. She explained, that it takes her quite a long time to open herself to relations but then, she is totally dedicated and faithful to her partner. She parted 6 month ago with the guy who she met when she was 16 years old and she was living with him for 17 years, until he left her after some fight. She suspected that the fight was not the true reason, and that he already had another lover for some time before they parted.

So, after we spent two weekends together, I noticed that she is very quiet, not expressing herself much, and that I have to ask her directly in order for her to share with me what she thinks and feels. Before our first meeting, she expressed her concerns that I might not like her since her figure is not perfect. She indeed is a bit overweight, which in deed is not my dream body, but I did not allowed this to be too great obstacle in order for me to accept her. While too much weight is not practical, it's nice for bones to have some flesh, so the hugging and squeezing feels more soft and cozy. And when we took a quite fast walk around the lake, she surprised me by how she could cope the tempo, since it was not her to complain regarding the long walk, but it was my legs that started to hurt and I felt very heavy, tired and sleeping, constantly yawning and complaining.

But the things that bother me is asking me, if I want to have I child. She explained that she wants to have I second child, and that her ex did not want to have another one as long the first one would not grow up. She also considered to accept her ex back, but she told her that the only option is if she moves to his place and joins him and his new girlfriend. And all that she does is repeating cycle of going to work and cooking and tiding when she returns from work. As she would not have any life of her own and devoting herself to be in the service of others. So I see, she has quite a few similarities with my first ex girlfriend, which we lived together for 3 years. She is very introverted, humble and complaisant, and considering herself only in a role of a obedient worker, mother and a housewife. I have a hard time to picture her living with me as an agreement since she understands almost no english and she is not very fun of using computers. And since computers are my life, and I want to be with someone that would also study Desteni material and be involved in the self-realization process, I have quite a few doubts about our common future.

I see her as a personality who does not stand up for herself, giving her energy to others, not allowing herself to express, drinking the life energy from her partner and others by playing the role of the good mother and helpless victim of the hard work. She would need to transcend this points in order to be a proper agreement in my life. Even though I enjoyed myself with her sexually very much, I noticed that a consider the time of being together with a girls quite wasted. Since while we spend time together by touching, talking and watching each other, I am allowing myself not to do anything to stop the hunger, war and suffering of billions of living beings. I have been now in the process of releasing myself from energy addictions for quite some time now. In the time when I had the firs sex with that girl, I was in about 30 days since I stopped masturbating, and I had no great desires to experience sex. However I did execute sexual intercourse with her in the evening and in the morning, when she came to visit me for the first and now for second time. I did it mostly because she felt lonely, being single for six months, so I arranged her to feel nice and accepted. She reported how she remained joyful for several days after our first meeting and how everybody noticed and praised her regarding that.

So I treated this girl as one and equal, not allowing myself any thought of judgment to appear while we were together, and made sure, that she would enjoy herself while visiting me. But I did not do that from the starting point of seducing her or because of falling in love with her, but simply because I wanted to express unconditional love, and I would treat this way every girl who would come to visit me, as I have proven this many times before. I treat everyone the best I can, but if I would want to consider any girl as my agreement or long-term partner, just enjoyment of intimacy is for me not enough at all. I have learned to be alone for the past 7 years, and I enjoy being single ver much. It is very practical to have my own place, arrange it and do whatever and whenever I want in any given moment. I have my peace, silence, and unlimited potentials. And I spend most of my time in front of computer, working, researching, learning, transcending myself and doing stuff that would make the world a better place for all. So these are my primary points at this moment, and any relationship would distract me from doing this. Sex is not what drives me any longer, and as much I enjoy experiencing orgasm, I have dedicated not to be driven by the energy anymore and to stand up for life, world equality and for what is best for all.

I consider my time too precious to spend it for relationships. I do have fun of meeting new people, and I am not immune to attractive female bodies, but I direct myself not to be driven by this pictures. I am opened to meet now people, especially girls, however the main motivation for that is to spread the information about Desteni and the practical solutions for current problems in the relationships and in the current global system. I enjoy having sex, but I even consider to stop intercourse before I get to the point of orgasm and ejaculation. So I may participate in the sex long enough for my partner to experience orgasm, however I would hold myself through all that time and stop soon enough not to experience orgasm also for myself. I find very important to deprogram/de-associate females or pictures of female bodies from the addictive energies of orgasm. And this is simply because I have been watching porn for many years and started to define pictures of young female bodies with the pleasant energy of orgasm. I noticed that I get turned on very quickly and easily simply by watching some erotic movie scenes or observing attractive females, even very very young. I understand now, how practicing masturbation can from time really turn someone to become child molester or even rapist.

I stop myself to be energy addict, I de-associate pictures of female bodies in the movies, magazined and in the flesh from addictive orgasmic energy. I stop all thought and fantasies regarding women, I consider every person, regardless of the sex, as equal and one with me. I stand up as life, and focus on what is important and necessary to do at this moment, considering the current situation on this planet, to bring solutions for dignified life for every living being. I will contribute for Equal Money System to be implemented as soon as possible, to equalize global system and to free all beings from current suffering. I accept in my life only those who are willing to transcend own personality and stand up for life as well, or they may simply continue with their own life style and let me do what I consider to be best for all. This is how I decide and this is how it will be.

04 October 2010

2010 - Masturbation stop day 30, getting more realization, dating, earning money

It has been a few week since my last vlog and blog post, so this is to inform everybody what I have been doing in this period of time.

After I have been very active in vlogging, watching and commenting other's vlogs and Desteni open forum posts, I have received unexpected feedback from Desteni members and other people. They have exposed my starting point of vlogging and commenting not to be from oneness and equality, but from the point of judgement/anger, based on the knowledge and information. I found that to be true and I am grateful for others to expose my dishonesty. This is why I have deleted two of my vlogs that were from this perspective no valid at all.

For I while I have also stopped commenting and then continued with commenting again, but only to the extend of my personal realization. So I took advise to slow myself down and to take more time to realize what oneness and equality truly is. I have noticed that I have tendency to preach/judge and show others how much knowledge I have, so they would notice/admire/accept me. Thus I have become careful firstly to become one with other - to put myself in the place/skin/shoes of other - and make a comment as I would like to be commented/supported/directed if I would be in the position of that person.

I have been very active in watching the vlogs, blogs and forum posts in order to get more realization of how to be proper support for myself and others. I have searched for, discovered and subscribed to other most active Desteni member sites on the Blogger, WordPress and Multiply, which took quite a lot of time. So now I am continuing with reading other's past blogs, watching almost everyone's new vlogs, and sharing them to my FaceBook, Netlog and Twitter profiles. I have also updated Desteni Slovenia web site with FaceBook, YouTube and Blog links of all current Desteni members from Slovenia.

Today is exactly one month since I have stopped masturbating and watching pornographic movies. I had no great temptations and I was able to stop every sexual distraction in a breath. But when I caught the scene of some erotic movie while I was in the fitness, where they have large TV sets in front of the gym bicycles, I noticed that I got erection due to participating in the sexual thoughts, triggered by the movie scene. Then I focused on my breathing and the disappeared as fast as it appears.

For past three weeks I have had an online chats and phone talks with some girl who liked me, based on my dating site profile. Two days ago, she took over two hours drive and came to meet me for the first time in flesh at my apartment. We connected quite well and spent the night together. Her partner left her 6 months ago, after 17 years of living together, and she is now living in the house with his divorced some close relative and adorable 11 years old daughter. We'll se how this story will unfold in the future.

Regarding my income, I have been for past three weeks distributing the rest of my 15.000 flyers for my counseling services to the nearby cities. I have spent at least 6 hour on foot per day and inserted promotional material into the mailboxes, but I do not expect many customers soon. I've learned that this kind of business needs more time and advertisement to succeed. Because of focusing myself only at the counseling services for past several month, I have got myself in the deepest debt, so they also blocked my credit card for the first time in my life. This is why I decided to stop with promoting my counseling services and to restart offering my graphic and web design services. I have already got some order from some close relative, and I will start to offer my design services also to other companies in my area. I expect to get out of debt in a month or two, and I will also see, how much the participation in the Desteni Income Plan will contribute to my financial situation.