Like when I write, I take a lot of care of my blogs and vlogs to have a certain structural and visual design in order to impress other people. While I write I am very much aware of possibility or the fact, that others will watch my sharing and that they will judge it. Since I have this fear of what will others think of me, I do not allow to open myself up fully, and I limit my self-honesty to the point of not revealing too much of what I am ashamed and embarrassed about. I try to pick certain words and structure it into sentences, so they would feel as much poetic and artistic in the readers mind. I try to impress people with the kind of irony or humor, in order to invoke good feelings when others process what I have written. This is all a part of my self-defense mechanism. And the same goes for the visual design of my blogs and vlogs. I try to do my best, to be perfectionistic and to excel in everything I do. I them check what I have written carefully and make sure not to leave any typing mistakes.
When I look at my finished blogs and vlogs, I feel proud about them, I admire them, and feel good about my creation and also feel good about how other people will be impressed and think I am the best and will define me as something more. This starting point of sharing in order to impress others then also results in the fear of other people's opinion, expressed in the comments. When I receive a notification that someone posted a comment to my blog or vlog, I get intensively scared in the moment of noticing the notification. In my secret mind I imagine how someone out there might have made some criticism on my posts and expressed any kind of rejection of any part of what I have shared. I want others to accept me as a perfect being and not to point at any mistakes I have. I do not want to admit that there is anything wrong with myself. However the physical is telling me, that there is a lot of shit in there that needs to be faced with. And I do not want to admit that, I do not want to dig into my secret thoughts, since I would have to define myself as not perfect, and I would feel bad about that. I fear that by facing and exposing myself I will loose the support of other people and all the benefits that I experience currently.
The whole point boils down to wanting to be perfect in the eyes of others, which as I wrote about several times before, is the consequence of allowing to accept and become the emotional projections, copied mostly from some close relative. I have become addicted to other peoples opinion and emotional energy. I am used not to move unless there is some energetic impulse from some person outside me. Everything I do is based on the expressed desires of others. So my expression in not self-expression, but involves the detailed analysis of other minds and aligning my expression in order to invoke the best possible feelings in them. I see this as a huge point when I look at my some close relative. The way how he creates himself is to remember the moments when others reacted to his actions with great admiration, so he moves in that direction than and intensifies his approach in order to get even more energy of adoration from others. A total idolatry-energy vampire and blood-sucker. And I have become very much like him.
This is why I can not move myself effectively to what is best for all. I wait for someone to point at something that I must do. I respond to every single request of my some close relative and my clients in order to bring me glory and money. And when I am done with the job, I become lazy. I rest, do what I find enjoyable and find it very hard to do something that I do not expect immediate result from, meaning to become better in the eyes of others. I live in my nice apartment, separated from the rest of the world and do not give a fuck about others. Everything I do is based on my self-interest. And this is really total bull-shit. How the hell have I become like that?! And all this could never be exposed properly if I haven't met Desteni and wasn't introduced to the tools of self-honesty and self-forgiveness. And of course I could get lost in my self-deception over and over again if there I would not have support of other people who brutally expose any kind of mind-fuck.
I need to get rid of all my energy determinism and start moving myself to what is best for all. And it's fucking hard since I experience huge resistance and feel myself as very heavy and drained. I am awake, but still not fully present, not the active participant, just an observer in kind of half-sleep, dreaming all day long. I watch huge amount of vlogs and blogs of other Desteni members, but I do allow myself to go deep enough. There are some occasions where something resonates with me, so I write a few sentences, and I try to give the best support to everyone. But most of the time, I feel a great separation. I do not allow myself to stop and read or watch with my full awareness, but experience a big unrest inside, I want to be somewhere else, experiencing something good, so I'm in a very great hurry to go to some place, there in the future, to the garden of eden, where I would experience myself blissfully until the end of the time. But this is all just a mind-fuck. There is no future, is is only now, this present moment, and I need to face everything that is here with my full self and do what is best for all.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to define myself as energy and thus need the energy of others in order to move myself, instead of moving myself as life as what is best for all.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel good when I do blogs and vlogs, since the reason of doing this has to be to face myself and not to impress others.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to point fingers to others and compare them to myself and define me as better and more than them, instead of properly supporting everybody in the process as one and equal to me.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to emotionally react to other people's support and comments, judging their way of expression and protecting my self-interest, instead of going deeper into their feedbacks, understanding what are they exposing, and realigning my points to equality.
- I forgive myself for not allowing myself to change, since I am not aligned with the life and if I want to live, I need to become one with life and support all life as equal to myself.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to exist as separate from life and just observe it, pretending that I am not responsible for my actions and thus producing abuse, instead of taking full responsibility for every single creation in all the past from the beginning of my existence.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear others, since others are the part of me, a part of everything that exists, so I need to take into consideration of how others perceive me and take this as a very crucial support and opportunity to change myself, since I can not see and correct my mistakes due the extent of self-deception.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to yawn, since yawning is the indicator of mind shutting down an restoring itself, instead of stopping, remaining here, breathing and getting some new realization.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself the pleasant energies of warm and soft bed to have power over me and hold me in the bed for extensive period of time after I wake up, instead of directing myself as life, as more than the energy of warm or cold, and getting out of the bed immediately.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to become obsessed with watching almost all of new Desteni members blogs and vlogs and feeling good about how others will admire the quantity of processed material, instead of realizing that I need to support myself first and then only give attention to others in regards to the remaining time available.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel good and defining myself as better than others since I am involved in the process of self-forgiveness, instead of realizing that the point of the process is not to become greater than other, but to become equal to others as life. Only mind and consciousness can become greater than, and no one can be more and less than life, since life is in fact the existence itself.
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