2010 - Fear in regards to working as self-employed

In the past several years I have enjoyed working alone, in my pretty large new apartment, where I spend most of my day, sometimes all my day. Since my line of work is computer related, I can receive orders via mail, do the job and send my work back without need to leave my cozy apartment. I remember to never needed to advertise much, since I had just a few clients who were ordering regularly to do designs, pre-press. Then, when I started with photography I also had some clients who I became exclusive photographer for. I never really experienced a lack of work, and I simply enjoyed living and doing fun stuff. When the order would come, I would immediately activate myself, do the work, send it to the client, write the invoice and waited for the payment. And it all went well, I had enough of money and had I feeling like I am almost not working at all. Like the money would came by itself and I would not really have to participate a lot in order to get it.

But in the recent year, when I switched exclusively to counseling and therapeutic services, the math does not work out anymore. I invested all my money, time and energy, but no result. So I in a way feel quite frustrated, as the life is sipping out of my hands and whatever I do, all is in vein. And funny about that, that I even did not experienced any fear, like I was totally in the state of inner peace, not allowing my large bank account debt to invoke any emotions of fear. The cozy environment of my apartment gave me the impression of safety, and the computer with internet took care for the entertainment all day long. I did some moves, but they were very slow, with the peace of mind and expectations that money would soon start flowing, as it did in the recent past. But someone messed with this movie scenario, and the story did not have a happy ending. It was a great embarrassment when the bank for the first time in my life blocked my credit card, and then even more unpleasant when they started to threaten me with forwarding my case to enforced recovery. I needed to fall low, very low in order to start waking up from some kind of hypnotic state, the dream of hopes for the better future.

Now, I am beginning to experience the fear. It has nested itself in the belly area and it has became quite nasty, almost painful. It does not want to go away and it is telling me something. It is telling me, that I have become lazy, not willing to move, not wanting to do what I do not like to do, just because of the money. I wanted to do what I enjoyed, but there was not enough money in it. So I have to start doing again what I have already experienced as unpleasant before, just because of the hopes, that I would get enough money again. Well, the sole act of creating visual communications, designing and taking photos is in fact very enjoyable, but there are always many painful points included as the part of the package, so I might just take it or leave it.

For example when I work behind the computer, I have no problem with sitting down for hours without standing up even once. I get so absorbed in the work, that the perception of time totally disappears. And that is not very good, since the physical body does not move enough and then there is pain produced, at least on my butt. The pain is also involved in photography, since the professional camera and the top quality lenses sum into great weight, so the shoulders, back and the feet start to hurt in time. Fortunately my eyes never hurt, even when I work all day, staring at the computer screen, and my eyesight does not get worse every year. I am a bit short-sighted though, but I attribute this to the emotional distress. I have read once the very thick book, named Relearning to see, which explains that the bad eyesight is caused solely by eye muscle tension. It is proven that through hypnotic regression into the time of the childhood, when the person had a perfect eyesight, even the old person with very thick glasses is able to see clearly. All what is needed is to relax the eye muscles, witch can be achieved by utilizing the series of exercises, described in the book.

Besides the pain issues, then there is the money issue. The most unpleasant job that I have to do, is to set the price on my work. The first dilemma is which model of price calculation to select in the first place. Intellectual and art creation business is so intangible. For instance, the creation of logo. Will you be charging for the sum of hours, spent on the project, or will you set the fixed price on the logo design service? If you charge per hour, what steps of creative process will you measure the time for? Will you time the thinking, will you charge for research, sketches, or just for the time of drawing the final product using computer? But this way the simple logos will be more cheap and the complex logos will cost more. So by going for the more complex design, your decision is responsible for the highest price of the logo. And if you decide for the flat rate of the logo design, some client may be very demanding, resulting in many hours of work, preparing several drafts, and others may be satisfied very quickly. So for some, the price may be right, for some to low, and for some to high.

The biggest point regarding the price is the competition. Some clients look just for the price, others do not care much, but just want the job to be done in time. There is the fear of not being selected among the all other designers there, and there are quite a few. I need to fight for the job, show them that I am able to fulfill their needs the best. I don't see myself as a the greatest designer, but I can do the job very quick and I am reliable person. I know many graphic companies who are able to deliver, but the management and stuff is very difficult to communicate with. Since I am quite a nice person to get bye, the people like to work with me much better that with those who are stubborn and have high temper. Like my brother for instance. But they all have enough work, since either have very low prices, high quality, and there is quite a large demand for the graphic products these days. What counts the most is the reliability, so to deliver the goods as agreed, within the deadline and agreed-upon price.

1. I forgive myself for allowing myself to think and fear about how the interaction with other people in the future might result in, instead of breathing, remaining here and waking each point breath by breath as one and equal with other people, to what is best for all.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge and to fear of being judged by the people, based on my past experiences, since every person is unique, all people change in the time, so instead of expecting others to repeat behavior from the past, I should rather clear all my thoughts and allow them to express themselves without any expectations.

.