Day 171: Biting off more than I can chew

Recent experience in trying to build a team of people that would work for me made me wonder about my actual current capacity to lead such a professional collective. My objective is to constantly expand and improve myself so I have been pushing myself out of my comfort zone. The question here is how far out of comfort zone is too far or when the bite has been bigger than I can chew. I definitely want to improve myself and contribute to this world in the as beneficial way for all as possible. Also, I understand that it is possible to create more if working as a group. Due to this principle, I decided not to work alone on projects anymore but to build a collective within the organization that I would direct in order to produce a synergetic and multiplicable effect of my efforts. In the past years, I went through many experiences, courses, and training in order to develop my leadership skills. I read a lot of books on communication, presentation and project management. I overcame a lot of fear and insecurities, however, the level of transformation has not been yet to the extent that I wanted to.

When observing great leaders I have been admiring their ability of calm and effective response to any provocation, how self-confident they are, fearless and relentless in regards to their agendas. And those are the qualities that I also want to have. In my mind, I can imagine myself being in such positions and play out all possible scenarios. However, when facing other people in this world my emotional responses are still not such as I would like them to be. My mind is full of all sort of information and thoughts since I have been within the past 20 years researching how the global system and human mind works. While I can have good intentions and follow the principles of what is best for all there are all sorts of dangers in this world that can quickly limit the freedom of actions.

One sort of dangers originate from the human mind and are manifested in the form of thinking and behavior patterns. Thus regardless of what one says or does, the responses from other people can vary extensively and can result in a verbal or physical attack by others. And another sort of danger is in form of global legal and monetary system which is actually externalization of our minds. Combining those two systems can result in others misinterpreting your words and actions in their minds and using the legal system to take away your possessions and freedom. So in order to protect against those dangers, one must learn how to master own mind, how to direct the minds of others, to understand the legislation and know how to protect yourself against legal attacks.

Thus being effective in this world can not just be done by desire and wishful thinking. It takes a lot of study and self-introspection. Then regardless of how strongly one makes effort to learn and change, each one of us has a very different predisposition and environment that contribute to a different level of success. What I also learned within recent online group chats at our Destonians social network is that natures of our core beings are very different. There are those who prefer solitude, are more the observers and connect internally and there are those who strive for the connection with others externally. I realized that my nature is more of a being that is very comfortable working alone, doing independent research and am never bored or lonely.

Until recently I thought that I will be able to impact this world in a very limited way if I would work on projects mostly alone. Thus I tried to build a local team to multiply my effectiveness. However, I noticed that deep inside me I feel very uncomfortable about having to constantly take care of many people and provide the necessary funds for their salaries and all the projects. There are yet many fears that I need to face, skills to develop and information to integrate before I would be able to be in such a function. But even with my current capacity and skills, I do not need to compare myself with others but to just do my best with what I am and what I have. One single person can influence many others by writing a book or producing a video for example. So even the biggest introverts can contribute to making this world a better place for all to great extent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the savior complex and wanting to change this world by controlling every single aspect of all decisions that humans make. I realize that the nature of this physical reality is division and separation where expansion of awareness of each human being is achieved through a long-term process through physical communication and manifested consequences. Thus I commit myself to when and as I think about how to change this world and my mind is producing thoughts like: “You must create an effective educational system that would produce a new generation of completely purified human begins or you will completely waste your life!” to stop and breathe. I then within the understanding that each of us is already directed by life towards equality and oneness internally rather focus on my own personal improvement and teaching by example and other means that I am able to use productively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush and move into a direction before I have taken necessary time to build strong fundation. I realize that a stable foundation is the most important part of any structure that guarantees for the project to stand the test of time. Thus I commit to when and as I want to create something and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Just start building since if proven that foundations are not strong enough you will be able to strengthen them later!” to stop and breathe. I then within the realization that weak foundations create a lot of damage to the structure and even result in the structure falling apart completely rather slow down and make sure for the foundations to be strong enough before I proceed to build the walls.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as advanced intellectual and spiritual person that must not do basic jobs that I am overqualified for. Within that, I have been also looking degradingly towards people who had lower qualifications than me and defining them as not very useful to society. I realize that there is all sort of physical labor that needs to be done in order for our society to prosper and also for me to enjoy my current lifestyle. Thus I commit myself to when and as I decide what to do and my mind is producing thoughts like: “You must do only the jobs where all your skills and knowledge can be used to full potentials and also be paid very good for that!” to stop and breathe. I then rather decide to also take jobs that needed to be done for the benefit of all the society despite not requiring all the skills and knowledge that I have acquired so far.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not wanting to seek employment at any other organization due to believing that I will be paid much less than I deserve. And also that I will earn only a bit more than I am receiving currently as unemployed in form of social support money. I realize that despite my attempts to develop projects on my own, I am not willing to deal anymore with all the necessary decisions about setting the prices, doing financial activities, studying complex legislation and all sort of other stuff that are necessary for running a business. Thus I commit myself to when and as I consider what to do and my mind is producing thoughts like: “You are quite in some debt so the best way to solve your financial situation is to develop your own organization where the options for generating income are much greater than being employed elsewhere!” to stop and breathe. I then rather apply also for other jobs in order to provide for my basic stable income and after that generate additional income through activities in my spare time. 

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within the DIP Lite free online course and to listen to the following related educational audios from Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence:

Workplace Dynamics
Developing Communication and Expanding Relationships
Leadership
Self Leadership
Leadership and Energy
How to Unburden Yourself from Responsibility
Taking Your Emotions out of Your Business
Overcoming the Burdens of Leadership
What is Leadership to You?
What is Blocking the Leader Within You?
The Birth of a Leader Begins with Self
Leadership: Control Versus Guiding
Leadership: Being Able to Work With Everyone

Day 96: Money Money Money

Days from 92 to 95 are in my Slovenian blog

I was thinking lately about my mind patterns in regards to money. I asked myself why I was not able to generate wealth with the same ease as some others did. So I decided now to write these points out and see what I discover and realize within that.

As every child I became used for parents to provide for everything I needed. My father was firstly employed in the factory but then started our family business. Even though I was formally employed in our company I have not been receiving salary but had to ask parents to buy me stuff or give me some allowance. Only at age of 25 when I moved to my own apartment and won to work only 8 hours per day, I started to receive salary.

And also then my parents pressured me to continue to work at our or their company and supported me in buying my own apartment. At age of 27 I registered my own business and started earning money on my own. Since I had no expenses with the rent, I generated enough income very easy. I worked just for couple of hours a day and earned enough for the food and invested the rest in the research and development of the projects that I liked.

Three years ago I decided to sell my apartment and move to Ljubljana capital city. I decided for a big apartment where I would live and also work in my studio. The rent was very high and also additional monthly costs. However due to large sum of money from the apartment sale I did not worry about running out of money soon. However now after three years of investing in projects and spending money on travel and networking, I got myself unprepared for the fact that all the money is gone.

I kinda lost track of how much money I have and how much money I need to generate in order to stay in the big expensive apartment. Also the economic situation did its toll and from the business services that I offered there were not enough clients to cover all the expenses. Thus I recently decided to move to smaller and cheaper apartment. Now I am thinking what I have to do in order to improve my financial situation and raise myself high up from the ashes. 

During my regular walks in the nearby hills with the woods I find myself surrounded by plants and think about how Mother Nature is giving us all what we need for free. And we the humans then put price tags on things and sell them to each other. All the land is owned by someone and if you want to have stuff, you have to have money. This fact about money and putting price tags to things that are free seems to me very bizarre and unnatural.

Thus I also find very difficult putting the price tags on my services and deciding what the values of my products should be. I would rather do things for free but this is unrealistic in the system that we currently have. So even though I would rather change the system into something like Equal Money System where a dignified life is unconditionally guaranteed for all, I have to consider current state of reality and then create changes within and as the current system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to give up due to believe that current world system is all fucked up, that humans are parasites and that it is best for the world for all humans to die out instead of realizing that self-pity and blame is unproductive and I just waste my life and potentials.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed not to track my incomes and outcomes and thus not being aware of my current financial status instead of realizing that tracking money flow is the foundation of successful human life in the current system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe that if I charge money for my services I within this take money from other people and thus they will have less money instead of realizing that the function of money is to exchange products and services and that money is a recyclable medium.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to perceive that people do not have money due to financial crisis and thus bearing to charge money for my services to others instead of realizing that currently there is only about 13% rate of unemployment in our country which means that 87% people have jobs and thus also money and that I can also sell my services to basically anywhere in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to associate business success and wealth with stressful life instead of realizing that rich people manage up to 50 different companies however they use methods of time and priority management where they delegate their employees and thus have even more time freedom that working alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to indulge in watching movies for many hours per days, thinking that that would relax me and free from the anxiety of my life challenges instead of realizing that watching pictures is dumbing my brain down and turning me into even more lazy person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that rich people are corrupt and have gathered their money only by criminal activities instead of realizing that everyone's life story is different and that some could be involved in some dirty business, however there are also a lot of hones and supportive ways of making money where a great value is added to society and this world.

I commit myself to read books every morning every evening as suggested my successful people since leaders are readers and reading is very important to develop focus and become more effective in this world.

I commit myself to keep detailed record of all my incomes and outcomes to the last cent and do weekly and monthly stats of my income, outcomes and profit since this is a must for every person who wants to live successful life in the current money system.

I commit myself to associate with wealthy people and get advise about what they do in order to I also become equally successful since if you want to become someone, you have to mimic these people.

Day 15: Money believes self-forgiveness

This are self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements in regards to my inherited believes from the previous post of this blog:

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe that one must physically suffer and get exhausted in order to earn money in stead of realizing that one can get a lot of money in many different ways, also with not much physical works.
   
   
2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe that one can have a lot of money only if one did and illegal activities or deceiving other instead of realizing that one can get rich also by legal and honest activities that improve the quality of other people's lives.
   
   
3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed desire to do things from the starting point of wanting to get attention and praise of others instead of doing what I like and what other people need without allowing myself to feel good if others praise the result of my activities.
   
   
4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed not to pay attention to my money outcomes and incomes instead of realizing that this is the basic required need if one wants to handle money with responsibility and also get rich.
   
   
5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to hurry and desire to surprise others with my activities without consulting with customers what they really want instead of realizing that others can only be satisfied with me if I fully understand what they want.
   
   
6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to become influenced by other people's opinions about me instead of realizing that what others notice and say about me is basically reflection of their limiting and distorted thinking patterns.
   
   
7. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be afraid of working and collaborating with others,  fearing that I would become overwhelmed instead of realizing that joint effort is important ingredient that multiplies the income and is a must if one wants to get very rich.
   
   
8. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe that if one has a lot of money it will automatically get corrupt, greedy and nasty towards others instead of realizing that by taking self-responsibility for ones own thoughts and feelings, one is able to successfully direct self towards what is best for all even with unlimited amount of money in possession.
   
   
9. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to get motivated to work only when I did not have enough money and then became lazy when I got enough money to cover my monthly expenses instead of directing myself and working by constantly being energetically stable.
   
   
10. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be afraid of braking any single law or rule in the society instead of realizing that rules are only functional in relation to certain states and events and if those states are not present, the rules are not more effective and can be easily disregarded.
    
    
11. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to think that rich people are irresponsible and god money just by chance instead of realizing that one can basically only get the money by managing large project that require extremely big self-discipline and responsibility.
    
    
12. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to feel small and unimportant in regard to larger scheme of world events instead of realizing that by careful planning, collaboration and accumulation, persistant and focused attention of one single man can make extremely big impact in this world.
    
    
13. I commit myself to read books about how to handle finances and develop habits that will enable me to manage money well, that will prevent me for never ever having too little money and that would enable me to become very rich and thus have power to be very influential in this world.
    
    
14. I commit myself to when and as I feel any positive or negative feeling, I stop and take a deep breath and move myself only based on the principle, removing every single motivation that is based on the energy, since self-control and self-mastering is a key to all great achievements.
    
    
15. I commit myself to develop the skills of working in a group and manage projects effectively in order to be able to earn more money and change the world to become a better place for all much faster.

2012 Recent experiences of extreme pain in regards to my father and borrowed money

A week ago I also went to visit my father in order to talk about the money that I lent him about a year ago. Hi promised that he will return it to me by the end of past year which did not happened. In January this year I asked him how come that he let me down and where the money went to. He answered that he needed the money in order to buy the material for his handicraft business in order to prepare for this year's tourist season. He is already retired, but still active in mediaeval reenactment and history of print.

I was not fun of hearing that he invested my money is his own business instead of returning me the money as he promised in order for me to support development of my own business. So a week ago I visited him again with intention to check out the current financial status. He said that he expects to return all my money by the end of August this year, which I found unacceptable. I need money now and I have already started to sell my video and photography equipment in order to get the money.

I learned that basically everyone owns a lot of staff that it can be sold and thus converted to cash, and I also decided to sell some stuff that I do not need at this moment in order to cover my monthly expenses. My father own a wan, a motorhome, an apartment, a workshop and many of machines, devices, computers, old books and many more things. So I explained him that from what I see he could easily sell some stuff and get the money, so the excuses that he can not return my money is not real.

In fact I explained him that since he did not return my money, I had to sell my almost new video and photo equipment for at least with 30% of discount, thus I am loosing money since he does not return money that I lent him. I started to blame him for my money loss which in a way is true. However there is also many things that I could done different in order to protect my interest. I simply trusted him that he will return the money so we did not put it in writing and agreed about the details of what would be the consequences of he not returning me the money.

The next day something happened that I then defined to be as manifested consequence of the backchat in regards to this point. In the morning when I got out of my bed, I experienced I slight pain in my back. I had an appointment that day with some potential business partner, but the pain was not strong enough for me cancel the appointment. So I packed my heavy bag with the products samples and drove half un hour away to the house of that person. We sat down in her dining room and started a conversation. After about an hour of sitting, I got up and it that moment I experience immense pain in my back.

The pain was so strong that I could hardly breathe and I would rather die in that moment. It manifested not in the middle of vertical line in my back, but a few centimeters to my right, stretching about three decimeters from the level of my shoulder blade. I asked the person that I have been visiting to assist me with massage which she did. Then I asked her if I may lay down on her bed and she allowed. But it took half un hour for me to managed to lie down on the bed since initial attempts failed due to immense pain when trying to change the posture of my body. But finally I managed to lie down on my belly and rested.

After few hours of lying and being assisted with hot-water bottle on the pain area and additional massages, the pain decreased to the level where I would be able to stand up and go back home. Now, after one week I still feel a slight pain in that area so it diminishes very slowly. It was unusual experience, not the back pain that I experienced in the past, but as the vertical muscle at right side of my spine would be in cramp. I am not completely sure if the pain is connected to the point in regards to my father and money but this could explain the reason.

And yesterday another pain appeared in a very unusual place. In the evening I started to experience a pain on the inner side of my left left leg, a few centimeters above the ankle. At that time I had new pair of socks on and when I pulled the socks down, I noticed the dent on my skin around my leg from the elastic top of the socks. I started to wonder if the socks pressure was to strong and thus resulted in the swelling, but I am not sure. There was no visible change on the surface of the skin, but the area in size of an apple hurt if I would press it with my fingers.

I don't remember hitting my leg in that area that day and I see no great possibility for something to sting me in that spot so the cause for the pain still buffles me a lot. Today the area is still swollen and the minor portion of the skin is red. Could I have hit myself somehow and then forget this event? Strange things happen and make me wonder what to do in order to avoid any further pain and how to walk the process of self-realization in order be as effective as possible. I have a limited time and it is hard for me which way to move and how much time to invest in any activity in order to support myself financially and to be successful in terms of walking my process.

1. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the feeling of anger and resentment towards my father for not returning my money instead of having the conversation based on facts and current situation and directing the point toward solution that would be best for both parties without allowing myself to create any energetic reaction.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to simply trust any person that everything that will turn out just fine, creating just a basic verbal agreement and thus allowing the possibility of misunderstanding and forgetting points, instead of taking time to specify all the details of agreement and putting in in writing so both parties have clear overview of what is expected and what will be the consequences if the agreement is not fulfilled.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to blame my father for causing the loss of my money since I decided to sold my video and photo equipment for much lesser price that I purchased it recently, instead of realizing that the decision of selling the equipment is solely my responsibility and has nothing to do with anyone else.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not to properly record and manage the money incomes and outcomes in my personal life, not knowing knowing how much money I have and thus spending more than I can afford, instead of making sure that this point is clear so I can better plan my investments and ensure that I will not go into debt.

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2010 - Masturbation stop day 30, getting more realization, dating, earning money

It has been a few week since my last vlog and blog post, so this is to inform everybody what I have been doing in this period of time.

After I have been very active in vlogging, watching and commenting other's vlogs and Desteni open forum posts, I have received unexpected feedback from Desteni members and other people. They have exposed my starting point of vlogging and commenting not to be from oneness and equality, but from the point of judgement/anger, based on the knowledge and information. I found that to be true and I am grateful for others to expose my dishonesty. This is why I have deleted two of my vlogs that were from this perspective no valid at all.

For I while I have also stopped commenting and then continued with commenting again, but only to the extend of my personal realization. So I took advise to slow myself down and to take more time to realize what oneness and equality truly is. I have noticed that I have tendency to preach/judge and show others how much knowledge I have, so they would notice/admire/accept me. Thus I have become careful firstly to become one with other - to put myself in the place/skin/shoes of other - and make a comment as I would like to be commented/supported/directed if I would be in the position of that person.

I have been very active in watching the vlogs, blogs and forum posts in order to get more realization of how to be proper support for myself and others. I have searched for, discovered and subscribed to other most active Desteni member sites on the Blogger, WordPress and Multiply, which took quite a lot of time. So now I am continuing with reading other's past blogs, watching almost everyone's new vlogs, and sharing them to my FaceBook, Netlog and Twitter profiles. I have also updated Desteni Slovenia web site with FaceBook, YouTube and Blog links of all current Desteni members from Slovenia.

Today is exactly one month since I have stopped masturbating and watching pornographic movies. I had no great temptations and I was able to stop every sexual distraction in a breath. But when I caught the scene of some erotic movie while I was in the fitness, where they have large TV sets in front of the gym bicycles, I noticed that I got erection due to participating in the sexual thoughts, triggered by the movie scene. Then I focused on my breathing and the disappeared as fast as it appears.

For past three weeks I have had an online chats and phone talks with some girl who liked me, based on my dating site profile. Two days ago, she took over two hours drive and came to meet me for the first time in flesh at my apartment. We connected quite well and spent the night together. Her partner left her 6 months ago, after 17 years of living together, and she is now living in the house with his divorced some close relative and adorable 11 years old daughter. We'll se how this story will unfold in the future.

Regarding my income, I have been for past three weeks distributing the rest of my 15.000 flyers for my counseling services to the nearby cities. I have spent at least 6 hour on foot per day and inserted promotional material into the mailboxes, but I do not expect many customers soon. I've learned that this kind of business needs more time and advertisement to succeed. Because of focusing myself only at the counseling services for past several month, I have got myself in the deepest debt, so they also blocked my credit card for the first time in my life. This is why I decided to stop with promoting my counseling services and to restart offering my graphic and web design services. I have already got some order from some close relative, and I will start to offer my design services also to other companies in my area. I expect to get out of debt in a month or two, and I will also see, how much the participation in the Desteni Income Plan will contribute to my financial situation.
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