I few weeks ago, I have made a connection with some girl via Slovenian dating site, we exchanged contact information, became FaceBook friends and she has been calling me on the phone almost every day since then. She is several years alder than me, is divorced and is living with her divorced father and her 19 years old son in the other part of our country. They are living in the hills, since her parent lived in the forests due to her father working as a logger. She has been working in some factory, but has lost her job recently and has no car on internet connection at her home. I like phone conversations with her, since she is very impressed about what I stand for and she thinks I am beautiful, cute, adorable and sweet. She is very persistent in calling me since she likes what I have to say and also because she is a bit bored. She told me that people like me are very rare and that I am very special. She also told me, how she fantasizes about me, but is afraid that we are not meant to be together since she is older than me and that I would probably leave her for a younger and prettier girl if we would start dating. She has found a new job a few days ago and would like to come for a visit in a week or two with a train, after she gets her first salary. I like her voice and her face, her honesty and generosity, but I would in deed prefer to be with someone who is a bit younger, more skilled in computers and with more stable financial background.
The way I imagine the agreement is two people walking and supporting each other as equals. So I would like someone who is enough intelligent, common-sensical, skilled in using computers, honest, open, and who is standing up for the principles of oneness and equality. Having a family or kinds is not the primary point for me, since I want both of us to actively contribute to make this world a better place. I love sex, but I see it more like a temptation and distraction from things that really matter in this world. Since I have become quite addicted to sex due to watching porn and masturbating regularly in past years, I see living together with some girl as increased temptation for having sex and thus wasting the time and energy for activities that are just distractions. I perceive relationships also as a waste of time and seeking for troubles due to both of us having to share the same space, home resources, having different point of view, desires, expectations, and thus producing conflict. As agreements are to be the opportunity to face yourself due to observing your reaction in relation to your partner, living alone has been preferred way of moving myself in this reality. There are still many other opportunities where I meet other people and check my reactions, so having an agreement is not necessary in order to walk my process.
The decision to live alone is also connected to the personality and family survival pattern that I have accepted and allowed. Since being the oldest son, my parents expected to be more serious, responsible, wise, capable, intelligent and a role-model that they would be able to be proud of. And my younger brother picked the fun, social, cute, naughty and emotional personality in order to get the necessary attention from our parents. Thus he is already married and has two daughter that my parents are proud of. I have been raised as a hard-working and obeying nice guy, who has been supported by parents only if I have done exactly what my parents thought is the best for me to do and have been thus programmed to be constantly available and ready in order to respond immediately whenever they wanted me to do something. My father is afraid of using computers so he has been relying on my skills in order to use the information technology in support of his projects. This is why I felt good working for him and also why he has been in a way jealous and angry at me when working with computers. So living alone is giving me a possibility to be in constant standby mode in order to react immediately whenever my father or any other customer would require my services.
And the influence of my mother, who committed suicide one year ago, has been in developing the feeling of being protected and taken care of, since she was always thinking how to support me financially and with food in order to get my own apartment, car and to eat whenever I would come to visit. Thus I learned not to move myself effectively and become self-responsible, since what I needed to do in order to survive is only to listen and support my parents and allow them to support me as they perceived would be best way. Parents have taught me that the best way to survive in this system is to have a steady income, to give the best services possible, to be proud of what I do, not to shame any family member, to mind my own business, and try not to change others or this system, since I need just to take care of yourself and the people in distress are responsible for themselves. Becoming good, successful and obedient part of society is what I need to do, so I should leave all my efforts for changing this world. I have been programmed extensively in order to be part of this system and not to produce any friction. So by being involved in some new age groups, I have been labeled as odd, troublemaker and especially my brother has been acting very spiteful towards me in past several years.
Since working with computer in our graphic family company, and not allowed to speak back for many years, I have developed introverted personality, escaping and living in my mind, entertaining myself by watching TV, I have separated myself from the physical extensively. Imagination, fantasy and future projection has become a large part of my life. My past relationships have been based on expectations, ideals and moral principles, and thus resulted in emotions of disappointment and anger. The fear from experiencing the same mistakes again is also the reason why I am literally driving the girls away, setting high standards and being very demanding in regards to female looks and mentality. This has been my preventive defense attack in order to make sure that I will not experience any troubles with the partner in the future. However this is quite delusional, since there is no such person that would suit my demands that are clearly based on past-projections, fear and self-interest. I am not allowing myself the opportunity to walk an agreement breath by breath here and facing point by point as equal and one. By running away from the agreements in order to escape from any unpleasant experiences, I am not allowing to experience also many pleasant moments that are also part of any agreement. So to continue living alone or to accept any agreement, this is the question.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my ex-girlfriend for leaving me, since I am equally responsible for that event due to not accepting her as one and equal and walking with her breath by breath. My relationship with her was based on my ideals and expectations of how relationships should be, based on the accepted family and media programming and were thus not real but purely delusional.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build a picture of how someone should look and think, what age she should be, how much money she should earn and how her computers skills should be in order to be acceptable to walk with me in a agreement.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by other peoples opinion about how they find my looks. The best for me is to remain stable inside regardless of what others think of me and to direct myself towards what is best for all.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on the support of my parents, becoming lazy and waiting for them to solve my problems, instead of directing myself effectively and constantly towards what is best for all.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good when I worked for my father and allowed him to be proud of me, instead of doing everything as self-expression and removing all emotional attachments from my creations.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be intimidated by my family members and stopping to move myself towards what is best for all, accepting their projection of fear and self-interest, instead of breathing, remaining here and sticking to the principle of oneness and equality.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy the personality and social programming from my family and society and supporting this system of abuse, competition, war and starvation, instead of standing up for the principles of oneness and equality and becoming the living example of how to transform this system to support all living beings equally.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in my mind, thinking that I am able to escape from this reality, instead of standing up, facing every single event unconditionally as life and walking breath by breath until heaven on earth is fully manifested.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for others to move me, enjoying life in my cosy apartment, not caring for other, minding my own business and doing nothing, instead of understanding that I am equally responsible for everything in this world and standing up for a real practical change.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define females just as a sex objects, walking vaginas and substitutes for masturbation in order to experience orgasm, instead of accepting them as life as one and equal with me and walking with them breath by breath without any expectations or self-interest and directing both of us towards equality.