The starting point of reading blogs and watching blogs is to 'get more realization' about the Desteni process, to learn how 'writing yourself to freedom' is done properly, how the support in form of comments is to be done effectively, and in order for me to add my own support. What I have noticed thereby is, that I am not able to properly participate within this actions. So let me go step by step, in order to expose all the points of resistance of my secret mind.
In the moment when I notice the Google Reader new feed notification, I became curious about what and by whom has been created and published. I click on the icon and I see two lines for every single new feed that shows the title of the subject and the name of the blog or the channel. At this point I am already able to see if the feed is about YouTube video or some blog text. By the title, I am able to see what video or blog is about, and by the blog or channel name, I am able to identify who is the author. Of course this is true only for the blogs and channels that have the first and last names of the authors included in the blog or channel URL's, so I do not know from whom is the blog, named like 'Making the better world', unless I have already associated and remembered the name of the author of the blog. So my first reaction here is WTF do people not use their true names in the YouTube channel names and blog main titles, and are forcing me to check the blog profile details in order to see who is the author.
Then, based on the type and quantity of the feed, I decide which one and when I will watch. The type of the feed is related to the sort of attention needed in order to absorb the information. For instance, blogs need much more attention, since I have to be steady and use my eyes in order to focus my sight on the screen and read the text. And since the most of the vlogs include audio, I can simply listen to them and do not need to use my eyes, thus using ears is sufficient enough. So considering how I feel at the moment of receiving the feeds, I decide how many and witch blogs and vlogs I am going to process at that moment. I usually save the videos to be watched later, when I prepare or have the meal, wash the dishes or iron the laundry. I organize all the things to do in the way to use the available time as effective as possible. Reading blogs need my full attention and I can do nothing parallel to reading. However while listening to vlogs, I can focus my sight and make use of my hands also to some other task and thus split the time if I would do each task one after another.
Before or after processing the feed, I make a note on my Google Documents Spreadsheet which I use to record all my major Desteni related tasks. I record the date, author/channel name, blog/vlog title and URL for the each feed I process. I started to build this database for self-defense after some new Desteni members have been accusing me to be a faker and perceived me as not walking the process at all. This has been before I have started actively participating in the Desteni open forum and doing my own blogs and vlogs. For the past half of year, the only sign of my progress could be visible through the 'SRA Jan 01' private forum, so others could not see the extent of my participation. I needed to present some practical evidence in order others to see the level of my devotion to Desteni, accept me as one of their own and stop being spiteful towards me. So whenever someone came with any doubt, I would simply forward him the link to my records in order to shut its mouth. And this was in deed very effective. I have watched many Desteni videos and articles but did not made any comments in order for others to see what I have processed so far. But then I have started to post the comments and now also started with my own blogs and vlogs, so my record has lost the primary defense function. However I have found it useful also for myself in order to easily check if I have already process certain link in order to avoid duplicate processing. And I am also able to easily find and forward any useful link to others in order to support them. Thus I am continuing with recording of my activities in order to increase effectiveness of support and self-support.
The process of making a record involves copying and pasting as many information as possible in order to speed up the process. In the firs column of the spreadsheet I copy current date from the cells above. In the following column I copy and paste the names of the YouTube channels, video names and URL's, since they are short and meaningful enough, and but when inserting the blogs identifier information, the process is much more painful. I want to keep the vlog name short in order to have the whole span of the cell columns on my notebook screen at once. Since the blog names are very long, and do usually even do not contain the name of the author, I have decided to manually enter full names. End some blogs have also certain layout that prevents me to copy and paste the blog post title alone. In attempt to select only the blog post title, the body of the post gets selected together with the title. Thus I can not simply paste the blog post title in the spreadsheet cell, and need to make intermediate step. This includes opening the notepad application, pasting the copied text, selecting and copying only the blog post title and finally pasting it into the spreadsheet cell. So this is why I go here WTF do people not use their names i the blog URL, blog title or at least in the blog author profile, and why do they use the blog type that prevents simple selecting of the blog post title.
When watching the vlogs who have low sound volume, I go WTF did creator not make enough effort in order to provide sufficient audio quality. So if I decide to watch vlogs while hand-washing the dishes, I have to make a special selection of those, who are loud enough, since quite high level of audio noise is produced by the process of washing dishes, LOL. And when reading blogs a go WTF has the author selected the layout with such long lines and small text, or WTF has he selected the platform like Multiply, where I get distracted from the text by fucking annoying animated sidebar advertisements. And when making a blog comment, I go WTF did programmers not come out with the better spam prevention mechanism than the fucking-hard-to-read captcha text that I need to enter every single time when I want to make a comment!
But this are just the small point. Watch out, here comes the big ones. When I finally start to read the blog, the fucking thoughts come up and disturb by attention from reading. They go like why do you read this instead of doing something that is much more fun? And when I proceed, they go like how long is this text, will it take a lot to reach the end? So my eyes go to the slider in order to see how long is the slider button, compared with the hight of the slider bar, or I even click and pull the slider all the way down in order to really check how many lines of text is there in total. If the line count is up to 4 screen hight long, I go ok, well make it. But when the blog post is over this limit, I go WTF did the author decided to torture me with such massive volume of the information. When I tell myself that reading the blogs is beneficial and crucial for my self-support, I proceed with reading the text.
Then when I start reading, I have to focus very intensely in order to grasp what is being said. The first problem is english not being my native tongue, so I struggle much more with understanding text in English than in Slovenian language. It is like word are there, like graphical symbols and I have to pull myself into certain state of acceptance on openness in order to grasp the meaning of words. Lately I feel myself dissociated with the words I read. I see the words, I read the word, I understand the meaning of the words, but they do not penetrate inside me, they stay there, separated from myself. I run away from facing the words, wanting to be somewhere else, doing something else. Like reading blogs is interesting from certain kind of perspective, but it also somehow mandatary in order to walk the process effectively. I need to prove to others that I participate, that I am involved, that I am worth of acceptance and unconditional love. So I see this as a sort of punishment, I sort of hell that I need to go through in order to be worth of living. And in fact this hell is my own creation, and I need now to face what I have accepted and allowed, and it is not very amusing. But I know there is no other way, so I continue to push myself, even if it is hard.
When I read several lines of the blog text, a fear comes up that I would not be able to remember all the points. I am decided to leave the comment on every blog post that I read, basically from the reason to give author the feedback that I have read the post. I leave at least the small comment like "Thanks for sharing", and foremost I want author to know, that I have actually read every single line of the blog post. Some might make a comment and live a comment as formal note of support without reading the post in total. But I want to be a brave nice guy and do my best, and to comment just the posts that I have actually read. This is why the fear comes up if I would be able to understand everything what has been written and to write a valid and supportive comment. This fear then takes my attention away from reading. I read a few lines and I forgot what has been written in previous lines. So I return and read again, and again until the words and sentences become clear, penetrate inside me and become one with me. Then only am I able to make a valid comment at the end and get the satisfaction of the good done job.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel good in regards to having Google Reader Notifier extension installed since I have compared myself to others and imagined that others do not use this extension but some other, less effective way of following blogs and vlogs, and have thus defined myself as more effective, more important, instead of realizing that the process that I am doing is facing myself in order to clear all the comparisons with anyone and become equal to everyone and support each other equally.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel good when doing self-forgiveness since I imagine how others will read this post and see me as effective in the process of self realization and define me as something more as themselves, instead of realizing that every single inequality is the cause of suffering in this world, that no one can exist as more as anybody else, and if I want to be supported, I need to support others as equal to myself.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to define the process of writing myself to freedom as a certain goal that is to be achieved and then having good feelings of glory after fulfilling this goal, instead of realizing that the process is about birthing myself from the physical, releasing the past and anchoring myself in this moment, and to start living for the first time, so the process is not something to achieve, but to live it in every single breath of this moment without ever ending it.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to have feelings of anger when noticing that not all blogs can be easily identified by the author, since it is I who have created this wish in order to link the blog post to the name of the author. There is no need for me to know who the author is, since the blogs are created by people as their own self-support and not for my amusement.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to have feelings of anger when some information can not be easily selected, copied and pasted and demanding perfection and alignment of reality with my expectations, instead of realizing that no one is perfect, the programmers are the same as me, and I am also not perfect and do mistakes, and it is I who need to release any expectations and demands of how the reality must be, and align myself with and accept reality the way it is in every moment of every breath.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to separating myself from the text I read since I have defined the process of reading as the punishment for myself, instead of realizing that the act of reading is the consequence of me directing myself in order to stop the separation, created when participating in my mind, and is the necessary step in order to become one with the physical, since I have realized that I can no longer exist in the mind and as the mind.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to create the need to defend myself from others, since there is nothing to defend if I stand as life as one and equal to everyone. If anyone has defined me not as life as one and equal to himself, and thus created separation, it is his responsibility to release the illusional definitions and there is nothing that I need to do but to support others in facing their own self-accepted and allowed illusions.