Day 190: Trying to be prepared for what could happen in the future

In the last couple of days, I noticed how I have become increasingly anxious. This has been reflecting in the form of frequent heath arrhythmia and stronger tremors in the area around my heart. I had difficulties with relaxing enough to fall asleep in the evening and even though the day I occasionally had pressing episodes where my breathing became more difficult. Yesterday while I was sitting in the backyard garden and had a vegetable salat in the sun I felt like my heart was slowly giving up and I got scared about dying soon. I called a doctor on the phone and based on my answers to her questions she concluded that my heart is just fine and what I am experiencing is mind-related. Then I also borrowed a blood pressure measuring device from one of my neighbors. The results showed that my blood pressure and pulse are normal. That assisted to calm myself down pretty much, however, I realized that I need to take additional measures to protect myself from too much stress.

During the coronavirus lockdown, I took a lot of care to handle the situation in a calm and peaceful way, paying attention to not overwhelm myself. I did physical exercises in the morning, took regular 1-hour daily walks, stocked myself with food and continued to work from my home. When I noticed the anomalies in regards to my heart I concluded that daily routine was not enough to ground me sufficiently so I went for a longer and more strenuous hike. I noticed that it assisted me a lot so I repeated it a week later and I decided to do it also on each of the following weekends. Additional measures were cutting down the time spent on social media, removing myself from online dating websites and focusing on my personal needs. I restarted to use the Nirvana app that is a companion software of the Getting Things Done methodology that I discovered years ago by reading a book about it. While in the previous months I did moderate planning of my activities, I have now with that app collected and organized all the projects, tasks and reoccurring events. It now helps me to avoid procrastination and laziness and it assists me in being much more productive each day so I am now much more satisfied with myself.

The following are the related statements of self-forgiveness, realizations, and commitments that I learned to apply at the free online self-perfection course Desteni I Process Lite and I suggest you to also try it out to assist with directing yourself effectively:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as the discoverer and sharer of the deepest life secrets. I realize that while digging for and forwarding shocking information made me feel good and useful to others, I lack within that to find a way to monetize it and to provide a stable source of income for my basic needs. I commit myself to when and as I look at my passions to ask myself about the core reasons for doing that and to then look at how I can turn it into a business or or doing it as a hobby while providing myself an additional source of income to at least cover all of my monthly expenses.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can protect myself from all negative influences the most by researching how things in this world work which means spending a lot of time watching all the available documentaries about secret societies, financial and legal system and every interesting fact that I stumble upon. I realize that there are a lot of contradictive theories that are all very concerning and absorbing all this information has created many fears and insecurities within me. Thus I commit myself to only occasionally follow the sources of information that proved so far to be the most reliable and are in a form that takes as little time as possible from me to digest the infromation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that possession of a large quantity of information is the best way to protect myself from all the possible harm. I realize that while the expected result would have to be in me becoming more self-confident, the accumulation of information actually made my mind even more restless and every situation that I found myself in triggered a lot of thoughts about all kind of possible reasons why I am experiencing something and made me confused about how to respond to situations that I am facing in real-time. I commit myself instead of creating assumptions based on accumulated knowledge to rather ask people that I am meeting about what is their reason for doing something. And to also ask other people in the actual situations that I find myself in about what is the nature of any manifestation in my physical proximity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build my stability on the information that I gathered in the past instead of realizing that any information that I possess can become outdated and that it could also be false in the first place. I commit myself to when and as I am facing a situation in my life and my mind is trying to assist me by fetching all kinds of supposedly related information that I integrated in the past or trying to associate the current event with any of my past experiences, to stop and breathe. I then rather face every single situation as something completely new and not even slightly related to anything that I know about or have experienced in the past by doing real-time research based on what I can verify by tangible evidence at this present moment.

And here are some additional suggested educational audios to listen from the Eqafe website with Every Question Answered for Everyone:

Hidden in Secrets
Secrecy
Don't Ask, Don't Tell
Secret Information
Technology Brainwashing & Body Influence
Self-Image and Fear of Others
Living Fear
Mental Hoarder

Day 134: Correcting myself for the better future

In the past several weeks I have been experiencing increased resistance to read and write. Soon after I would start using computer and check email and social messages, I would start indulging in YouTube videos, mostly war related, especially with sniper or tank ingredient. Also when checking FaceBook timeline I would get distracted by news, especially about technological advancements in robotics and military equipment. This would increase anxiety and fear about the future where some are predicting the start of World War III in 2016 and Elon Musk is warning about development of artificial intelligence that will wipe out the whole humanity. With all the global video and internet surveillance I have become quite worried about the future of humanity. With all the information overflow I am asking myself if I should follow the technological development and risk of becoming introduced also to the possible negative effects that creates anxiety or if I should ignore all the news all together and enjoy the peace of my ignorant mind.

So in order to distract myself from worrying I watch action movies on YouTube, till midnight or even a bit longer. I want to to forget about the unpleasant reality of this world. This resulted in postponing my business tasks so unanswered emails and contacts that need to be digitized started to accumulate. Consequently also the money income became more compromised and that created even more anxiety. Thinking about what is solution to this problem I came to conclusion that it would be best for me not to follow all sort of social media posts since it is mostly negative and depressing. I have remove the fear of missing out something important. There is so many information out there and it is constantly being produced in more larger quantities every day. One simply can not keep peace of the mind if it is constantly bombarded with all sorts of news. Selection is needed in order to absorb only the programming that is supportive for the personal development.

What I have also not done in the past weeks is to support myself with writing. Sure I did a lot of vlog, one in Slovenian language each of the past 320 days and also one per week in English language. However I see that no tool can assist in calming the mind as effectively as writing. So I commit myself to write each day in order to become aware about what I am doing and to have the ability correct myself. My priorities will be development of my business projects that have also the effect of improving this world. So regardless of what will happen in the future, I will make best use of my available time here on Earth to make it into what is best for all. I will develop my personal skills, slow down and do what is necessary to make the projects happen. I have allowed myself too much to get easily distracted with all sorts of new ideas that my mind is constantly producing. I need to focus on one or very small number of projects and persist in pushing them forward until they will become fruitful. Whenever I experience unrest, anxiety, overwhelmingness, fear, worry or similar feeling, I commit myself to immediately start writing and supporting myself. Writing will be my best friend that never lets me down and is always by my side as well as my breath that is of course also very cool companion.

So from now on I will be setting all my visions, goals and tasks in writing which will assist me in solidifying and stabilizing myself. Every day in the evening I will overview the past occurrences in the same day and prepare the plan for the the following day. I am also opening a special private blog where I am to write all the brainstorming and specific writing about my personal and professional life. No more thinking as I have realized that thinking is too abstract, too fast and it easily distracts me from what I want to achieve in my life.

Suggested related audio to listen:
In Fear of the Future

Day 131: Overcoming addiction to watching movies

A pattern has rebuild in relation to watching movies. It started about 20 years ago when I begun to work in the pre-press department of our family company. Computers were the main tool to do graphic design so I was sitting and watching the monitor from morning to late afternoon. When I would finish my daily tasks, I went up stairs into the living room and turned on the TV. Watching moves relaxed me and I would would watch them also on the TV set in my bedroom till late evening. This developed into such addiction that I finally decided to sell the TV set in my bedroom and also couple of years later, when I moved to my own flat, I decided not to have a TV set.

I still do not possess a TV set however I have a desktop computer with a very large screen and I watch many of the movies and video content with online availability. Recently I noticed that I increased the quantity of movies that I watch per week and I need to stop this since it interferes with my other responsibilities, especially business tasks. I am currently in the final stage of developing a new business where I would have to do in-home presentations for a very valuable product. There are couple of things that create psychical resistance in moving forward.

One is that I want the presentation to be prepared in such perfection that it would create the best impact and as much sales as possible. Every in-home visit is the final stage where hot leads have been funneled through many marketing steps, from creating a web site, advertising, collecting leads, making phone calls and scheduling meetings. Thus I want to make sure that every in-home presentation is properly done by explaining the client all the benefits and saving that they will get by purchasing our product. 

Second thing is the significant change of work tasks. Up to now I made my living mostly by doing a design work for regular clients. It was cozy to work in my nice home office and I did not have to do much traveling. My new job demands me to move much more since it is I who will be visiting clients on their home so I will have to plan trips, use the car, navigation and have to be dressed in a business suit in order to get the job done.

Third issue is the increased responsibility due to managing a much bigger project that ever before. As a designer I had not further requests after I delivered the order. The product that I will be selling now however will require many years of customer support and I expect to have many thousands of clients. So it will definitely require a quite different life style and mindset as before. I will have to get trained in team management and leadership skills and will have to handle much more informations.

All these issues contributed to creation of resistance which manifested as procrastination by watching movies. Now it is up to me to change this pattern and direct myself by becoming aware of this patterns and changing them by applying self-forgiveness and self-commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in moves. I realize that moves can be addictive since they take one in the imaginary world where one has no responsibilities but to watch and enjoy the pre-programmed life scenario. Thus a moderation in watching is necessary in order to balance the fun and work responsibilities. When and as I am faced with a job task and my mind creates a thought that invites me to relax some more by watching a movie, I take a deep breath and stop. I use common sense to evaluate the priorities and then decide if situation qualifies for some movie fun time. I commit myself from this moment on not to watch more than one feature film per day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the feeling of anxiety about the complexity of the new business that I am involved in. I realize that no matter how big the project is, everything can be faced by slicing the elephant into a digestible pieces. When and as my mind tries to grasp a large quantity of information and creates a thoughts that this is too much and wants to create a feeling of overwhelmness, I take a deep breath and stop. I direct myself by chopping big tasks into small steps, define priorities, allocate required time and move myself based on the plan. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad due to need of wearing a uncomfortable business suit while making the presentations. I realize that suits are of different quality and while most are not very comfortable, custom tailored suits can fit the body perfectly and thus support the physical body effectively. When and as I am to change my clothes and my mind start to produce thought of associating business suit with the word uncomfortable, I take a deep breath and stop. While my current dress has become a bit tight, I commit myself to invest my first profits into buying myself a comfortable suit that would make my presentations nice and cosy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that my in-home presentations will not be effective. I realize that every presentation that one starts to do will lack perfection initially and thus it is best not to count on doing the first sale very soon. When and as I am about to do a presentation and my mind produces thoughts of doubt about my ability to achieve success in sales, I take a deep breath and stop participating in the mind. I return myself here and respond to any questions that the clients might have until they are informed properly about all the benefits of our product.

Recommended related links:

When Worlds Collide - The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination

Life Review - How I Justified my Life of Anxiety

Worry Wart - Life Review

Day 129: Facing fear of rejection in selling

Now what changed from my last blog post is that I evaluated all the outcomes in regards to my business or moneymaking options and decided not to start with activities of offering my design services. This is because the other project with educational product is moving quite fine so I decided to fully focus on it in order to invest my time more effectively. The marketing activities have reached a stage when I have in the past couple of days made a phone calls to kindergartens and arranged several meetings which three of them will be already tomorrow.

While designing a lead form and a leaflet for the meetings tomorrow I noticed how anxiety started to build up due to high expectations and fear of being turned down. Already during making phone calls with kindergarten directors, there was these fear of someone saying no. And this is because one single person is in charge of the whole kindergarten with the main unit and affiliating units all together. Consequently just one person has power to prevent me to access hundreds of leads. Sure there are quite a lot of kindergartens in the city and leads can be generated also in other ways, but this is the easiest and fastest way to get them. When I finished with design work, I felt a bit dizzy from the accumulated energy and also my eyes felt very tired. So I had to rest for a bit in order to recuperate. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear of being rejected by potential client. I realize that rejection is part of life in general, especially in sales business where the quantity of nos is usually much larger that the quantity of yeses. Thus I commit myself to when and as I notice my mind to create the image of the event where I am turned down, to take a deep breath and see this a mind's attempt to separate me from what is here. I then allow myself to actually attend the meeting, do the best presentation possible and then wait for the response where I would consider yes and no as equals and remain energetically stable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when designing the promotional materials to fear that I will make some spelling or composition mistake that clients might discover them when handing them the material which could eventually lead to them deciding that they do not want to collaborate with me because of a tiny mistake that they had discovered. I realize that mistakes are part of our lives since there is no such thing as total perfection and each one of us very limited in regards perception and awareness. Thus I commit myself to when and as I design some text document and my mind would produce thought of others judging me, to see this as a diversion of the mind and focus my attention back to by breath. After I complete the document, I check it carefully word by word and remove all the mistakes that I notice. Then I leave it as it is and give opportunity to others to discover possible remaining mistakes.

Suggested related audio to listen:

Lead as an Example in Your Business

Day 127: Preassure reaction to mind pattern

For couple of weeks I have been occasionally experiencing strange physical reaction in regards to certain mind pattern. The reaction manifests as s feeling of pressure or cramp, located under on the left (hearth) side of my body, in hight of the the third rib and vertically aligned with the nipple. The pressure point feels like it is around one centimeter under the skin with radius of about three centimeters. This pressure like feeling activates when I allow myself some sub/un conscious pattern of anxiety and it lasts for several minutes. It is in a way cool indicator of mind patterns that allows me to become aware of them and deal with them. This feeling is a bit annoying since it feels like someone is pressing my chest and I do not want that. So I will look into it in order to remove the mind pattern that triggers this reaction.

I noticed that this reaction is triggered by very subtle, hard to define thoughts of various origin, but generally a sort of anxiety or fear. It triggers most often in the gym where I exercise regularly each morning at 6am. There is not many people there at such early hour and sometimes if I arrive right when they open, I am totally alone. Despite that my mind still manages to provide me some kind of worrying thoughts that develop feeling of anxiety and then also this pressures manifestation occurs.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to allow my mind patterns for so long time that they integrated deep into the physical tissue of my human body and became quantum physical reactions that are very hard do identify and stop. I realize that procrastination with allowing of some thought results in a very nasty consequence thus I commit myself to stop my thoughts immediately when they emerge.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to indulge in the feelings of energies, especially energies of warmth, softness and sexual energies. I realize that if I allow energies they become directive principle of my life and suppress my self-expression. Thus I commit myself to practice moderation in activities like resting and watching movies.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to think that is is sufficient to do daily vlogging and that blogging in not necessary to effectively advance in my process of self-realization. I realize that writing is the only tool with the power of slowing myself down and becoming aware of all tiny subconscious patterns that are necessary to be walked. Thus I commit not only to record one vlog per day but to also write one blog per day.

Suggested related material to look at:

The Nature of Anxiety

Deconstructing your anxiety

Anxiety Support By the Atlanteans - Part 1

Anxiety Support By the Atlanteans - Part 2

Reliving the Anxiety of the Past

Day 123: First step of moving to Maribor

Days 121 to 122 are in my Slovenian blog

Yesterday I drove with fully packed car to Maribor city. I have transported there the first quantity of my stuff to the temporary location in the center of the city near Lent region. I have checked out the location of my potential new apartment in the two-story old city house near a two-way road. The son of the owner of the house is living in one of the top apartments and is renovating all the apartments on father's behalf and converting them into rooms for the students. In the top as in the bottom floor there are three to four rooms with joint kitchen and bathroom.

In the first floor of the house there are already people living and one of them is a friend who I met couple of years ago and is deeply involved in spirituality. She moved there from the costal region to study at the Faculty of education. We had and interesting chat after I moved all my stuff from the car to one of the bottom rooms. I also met some of her visiting friends who is working in field of ecology and there was also a nice asian girl who decided to live in the city with her young child and a dog.

So while the top floor of the house has already been completely renovated and filled with people, the bottom floor yet needs a couple of days for the finishing touches. The landlord allowed me to store my stuff in one of the rooms and maybe I will decide to stay there for a while. It all depends how I will find living there appropriate. At this time the heating is off, the kitchen is not installed, light bulbs and shower are missing and the door frames are not completed.

What also bothers me there is that my potential room is near the road so there is some noise from the cars driving nearby. Also the parking is not very comfortable. Then I will have to see if there will be any other disturbing elements that will be unacceptable for me. So I am a bit nervous and anxious about all this movement to the new place and I feel a block in my belly. I am entering a new, unknown territory and obviously every moving of permanent residence is quite a big change.

Yesterday I also met another friend who has a master's degree in education, is author of three books and an interesting card sets that assist people in realizing and overcoming emotional limitations. We had quite a long talk, I estimate it was at least three hours and we shared a lot of interesting information. She is a very fast and extensive speaker, energetic person, very opened, kind and with lots of ideas. There is a lot of potential of mutual collaboration there and I am looking forward to it.

Now I will have to wait in Ljubljana for another two days until the rooms in the bottom floors will be ready for living and in that time I will pack the rest of my stuff in the boxes. I plan the next and final trip to Maribor on Sunday and from then on I will become a resident of Maribor city.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted the feeling of fear that I will not be comfortable in my new place after visiting the location where work is in the progress, instead of realizing that when I will move there is couple of days, the work will be already completely finished.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted the feeling of anxiety due to thinking that noise in the new apartment will be too much for me instead of realizing that I could get used to frequent sounds, like I got used to quite loud sound of the refrigerator in my current apartment which I found very disturbing initially.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to be afraid of the nearby very wide river to fill my future apartment with water in case of the floods instead of researching the history of floods in that area and verifying if my location is in fact on endangered locations.

I commit myself to breathe effectively and be full here, in this moment and act in accordance to real physical events and situations.

I commit myself to fully express myself and communicate with people that I am surrounded with and dependent so that they understand my needs and assist me in providing me with a suitable living conditions.

Day 89: Prioritizing activities according to awareness

Yesterday evening a friend came to visit me and we had a chat about what has been going on lately in our lives. Especially what are the potentials, how to set priorities, how to direct oneself effectively and how to deal with all possible distractions that come into ones life. We also discussed the role of the money as the motivator to move and the impact that one has on the world when being involved in specific project.

Both of us concluded that we need money to survive in this system so the money is what influences our decisions and directs daily priorites. For me it has never been a problem earning money since I have a lot of skills and knowledge and I am able to learn new things and adopt very quickly. However during my last years of self-realization I became more and more aware of the impact that I have on this world, my potentials and the power of influence and how this world functions, meaning how extensively each of us is connected and dependent on each other. Thus in accordance to the expansion of my awareness also my decisions of what kind of activities I would do changed extensively.

The initial years of my own business life I would do services and products that did not impact this world or had power to change the world system very much. Then I started to notice how my time is being wasted by being just a quiet observer and doing nothing significant to improve the situation. I became aware that most people do things based on self-interest and do not care much about the fellow human being. So at least I wanted to invest my time in activities that would make this world a better place for all. However I found out that generating money for such activities is much more difficult since you stop producing services or products for consumers and start doing activities that creates resistance within the world system as we know it. 

I also found out that working alone would not be able to produce any significant impact and that collaborating with others as a group is necessary for any real change. And that created additional frustration with establishing a proper management system and increased the demand to manage my own life much more effectively. So I am learning now management systems and search for the people who would be qualified for collaboration on such large-scale projects. Finding the people that have strong motivation and possibilities in their life to join the groups that I am involved in and thus increase impact of the group extensively turned out to be quite a challenge.

Currently I gave to manage all aspects of my personal and business life and this means that many points require my focus. Inviting new people in my team would allow me to multiply the results of invested time manyfold since the activities could be delegated to others and less points would require my personal attention. However this also require me to become more responsible and manage money more effectively in order to assure that all team members would have enough money for their survival in this system. So what I need to do now is overcome the fear of possibility to become overwhelmed by managing a group of people. 

Day 88: Self-forgiveness on perfectionism

Days 86 and 87 are in my Slovenian blog

I was collecting contact information from web pages of entities that I was to contact and I intended to create a Google Maps custom layers with the position indicators of that entities. However for the Google to correctly recognize the address and creates a location marker, the street name has to be full length and completely correct otherwise it will not show up. And what I have found on the web sites of around half of entities, were the shortened or declined street names that I then had to individually reference in the search engine and identify the corresponding full name.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to become angry at the web site content creators that shortened or declined the street names instead of realizing that this is usually done in order to simplify long street descriptions and make them more friendly and not to deliberately make my life painful.

When I stumble upon a shortened or declined street name and if I for the purpose of automated information processing need a full long name, I stay here, breathe effectively and utilize the search engine until I get the required for of information.

A few days ago after a short but heavy rainy storm, a leak appeared in the wooden ceiling of my new apartment and the water drops created a big puddle on the floor.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to be angry at my landlady who did not inform me about the leaking ceiling instead of realizing that she could believe that the leak has been fixed.

When I notice some damaged part of the apartment that does not perform as I expect, I breathe effectively, stay here and peacefully communicate with the landlady in order to remediate the problem as soon as possible with mutual satisfaction.

I am preparing to sell some products via direct marketing and I am procrastinating with my outdoor activities since I perceive myself not to be ready and skillful enough in executing effective presentation.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted the feeling of fear of rejection and loosing money since I perceive that I am not skillful enough instead of realizing that rejection in this lin of business is around 90% even if you are the most skillful communicator so it is purely a numbers game.

When I go out and make presentation of the product, in case of rejection I remain here, breathe effectively and understand that not every product is appropriate for every person at time of presentation and even if the person likes the product, they could be lacking of money or have different priorities in life. Thus I can always come around at a later stage and reattempt the sale. Many sales require around five attempts until the customer finally says yes and this is the true nature of this business.