Day 168: Transforming my masturbation patterns

It has been around 5 years since the breakup with my last girlfriend. Similar to my first relationship, the last one also laster around 3 years. In both relationships, the sex was great and I would not mind being again in a committed sexual relationship. However, due to my upbringing, my life priorities were elsewhere and being in a relationship and creating my family was far from my main life objective. I am functioning as a pretty independent person and have learned to satisfy my sexual needs by applying masturbation. It is in many ways more practical and safe than engaging in sex with another person. Initially, I have been masturbating only by using touch, then I have been doing it by listening to certain songs, porn magazines and eventually I also started to watch pornographic movies. I learned that using porn can create certain addictions and I have been careful not to become addicted. However recently I have been observing myself and noticed some indications that addiction could be developing so I am going to within this blog post look deeper into this matter.

Regarding masturbation, many people are ashamed of it, do not like to talk about it and some have even accepted a belief system that defines it as something bad. One of my friends told me how the nursery where her parents were leaving her when she was a preschool child has been run by the Christian nuns. They forced children to sleep in a position where their hands had to be on top of the blanket in order to prevent touching any dirty part of the body. And she hated this experience a lot. Defining part of your body as dirty is definitely a point of separation that can develop even into sexual obsessions, fears, constrictions or fetishes in adult years. Sexuality is something natural and despite the addictive quality of sexual orgasmic energy, it can be managed responsibly and practiced in moderation. Such has also been my intent and I so far always applied a directive principle in my sexual practices in order not to harm myself or others.

The same way goes with using pornographic materials. Especially porn videos and now the virtual and augmented reality of the porn industry is something that is used on a daily basis by most of the people of both sexes. The danger here is that many people who masturbate by watching porn can develop an obsession where they can no longer control themselves and thus start to rape others. Also by watching porn users often escalate their preference into more and more violent and exotic sexual scenes. In regard to that, I am satisfied with the fact that my porn preferences remain all these years the same and that I enjoy mostly the scenes where a man and a girl engage in normal sex and where the girl is enjoying herself. I have also satisfied myself only by watching short free porn clips and I never desired to watch long porn movies where I would have to pay some kind of subscription in order to access it. It also assisted me that several years ago I have been for two years taking Kriya Tantra classes where we learned how to direct sexual energy.

All these years I have been careful about being able to achieve orgasm regardless of masturbating using porn or without it. And I especially have paid attention to climax without using any kind of imagination. There are different opinions about the level of consent when masturbating while watching porn movies. And there are different opinions about whether something that you do in the imagination of your mind is an actual act or not since it does not influence physical reality directly and immediately. However, I have learned to understand that also what one does in their secret minds it an act after all and it creates certain kind of consequences. It is clear that if you engage in sexual intercourse with someone in the flesh it is considered rape and punishable by law. Imagining to have sex with someone in your mind without their consent can then also be interpreted as a form of rape. Because the individual that you had sex within your mind did not give you consent for that action despite you imagining that they have willingly fucked you. This is also why I avoid masturbating while imagining that I am having sex with someone that I know in real life.

At porn, the existence of consent is a bit more tricky to define. Because porn stars mostly are aware that people who watch pornographic movies will use them to masturbate while imagining that they are one of the actors in the porn movie. Plus porn performers are also being financially compensated for their work. This is why also I have been occasionally masturbating while watching the porn clips. What is specific about me is that I am a visual guy who professionally worked in graphic design, professional photography and video production for many years. I like watching movies in general and thus porn movies for me were just another kind of visual art that I allow myself to enjoy occasionally. However, I am aware that similar to any other industry, also in the porn industry, there is a lot of abuse. I learned how millions of children are being kidnapped every single year and many are forced into sex slavery. However, it is not only the porn industry that is responsible for all the sexual abuse since even in homes and churches there is a lot of rape. Not only that, there are large cults and pedophile rings who even eat bodies of the babies.

The biggest problem with the porn and imagination is that creates separation and reduces the awareness that all actions in this physical reality have consequences. When you are while watching porn pretending that you are the person in the movie or if you are in your imagination pretending to have sex with someone in such cases there is no direct and immediate notable consequence. In your own mind, everyone is their own god and able to do all kind of things without percieved outflow of events in the physical. So there is a danger that after frequent execution of an act in your mind you might start thinking that there will also be no consequences if you execute the same act in the real world. Such thought can obsess and possess you and drive you into forceful and harmful acts like rape in the context of sexuality. One also starts to lose the ability to distinguish between the picture and the actual physical object. Such danger basically exists when using any kind of simulation from digital screens to computers or even photos and paintings. Many are no longer able to separate actual reality and picture representation of reality. This is actually the reason for all kind of abuse in this world where we can no longer relate to others and thus do not treat them as equals.

Now after I have been observing myself how I sexually respond to the proximity of young females I noticed that responses have not been as I would want them to be. What became noticeable was more immediate and frequent arousal and sexual thoughts about young females. This could be a consequence of me using porn to masturbate more frequently in the recent times than before. My flatmate that used to be around more in the past has been for most of the days out of the apartment for even several weeks in the row. Meeting and chatting with her on a daily basis and even hugging occasionally has been a presence of female energy that has been very beneficial for me in the past. However now I hardly ever see or talk to her and even short chats with her have become much more distant since she is being in a very different mindset than in the past. It has been 5 years since I had a regular sexual partner and after that, I only had sexual intercourse once with another female. I don't know about others but I am not inclined to one-night stands. Never have I went out to clubs with the intent of a hookup and to get laid. My parents did not allow me to be out late at night while I was a minor and after that, I was so consumed with working in our family business that I practically did not have the time or will to visit bars. Also, I do not want to hook up with a girl that drinks or smokes so it is more practical for me to connect with them at dating websites where I can filter out girls that have unacceptable habits.

At the current age of 45 I am thinking about should I even search for a new life partner and create a family of my own or would it fit me best to remain single. I am enjoying a drama-free life so very much that I hardly can imagine how it would look like to be in a relationship again. I am constantly doing something like learning, researching, transforming and sharing self and developing projects. My current goal is to create an educational organization that will offer support to teachers, parents, and children in a wide way. So despite currently not actively looking for a life partner, I plan to sooner or later be surrounded with many co-workers and children of different ages. So the short-term goal is to now firstly develop the organization, provide the funds, and then only will also my personal financial situation be more appropriate to engage in a new life partnership. What is important for me is to be satisfied with who I am, to take good care of my physical body and my property, expand myself, and develop projects that have the power to make the situation on this world better for as many living beings as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to masturbate while watching porn and imagining that I am having sex with the girl in the video. I realize that whenever I engage in masturbation while using porn for faster and easier climax, I condition myself more and more and deepen dependency of experiencing orgasm to watching porn. This can eventually develop in my inability to masturbate and climax without watching porn which is definitely an addiction that I do not want to have. Thus I commit myself to when and as I desire to masturbate and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Just turn on the porn for additional enjoyment of pleasuring also your eyes since it has been produced with full consent and financial compensation for all the actors exactly for such kind of entertainment.” to stop an breath. I then rather challenge myself to watch porn by paying attention that nothing inside me moves and thus strengthen the ability to distinguish what is real as the physical and what is a picture-representation. Or I engage in masturbation without observing any sexual product or using imagination. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I imagine is not real and whatever I do in my imagination has no consequence. I realize that while there is no direct and immediate consequence outflow of actions in human minds, they are actions after all and they did influence me in terms of easier and quicker experience of orgasm and ejaculation which is a tangible physical consequence. Thus I commit myself to when and as I feel the urge to release my sexual energy and my mind produces thoughts like: “You are free to use imagination as the tool to achieve orgasm much more effectively since it is totally safe to use it and has no negative consequences on you or others.” to stop and breathe. I then within the awareness of the actual consequence of using imagination engage in only pure physical sexual intercourse with myself or other people. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret involvement of actors in the porn movies like they have given me full consent to masturbate and imagine that I am the guy in the movie who is fucking them or even making them pregnant. I realize that while usually, porn actors have given consent for their sex acts to be recorded for public screenings and they have been financially compensated, the porn out there could violate their agreement. I learned that most porn actors are being paid very little, some have been forced to act in one way or another and a lot of pornographic videos on the web is being pirated thus the actors have not been compensated fairly for their work. And despite the existence of some awareness that people will watch their porn movies during masturbation and that some porn stars are even flattered by that, most actors did not give direct consent to in the imagination engage in sexual intercourse with them. Besides that, they probably would not be happy with any viewer to execute their imagination in the real world and have sex with them without their direct and specific consent. Thus I commit myself to when and as I would like a sexual experience and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Just watch some porn end imagine how you are the one who is fucking the brains out of that beautiful teen since she has given you full consent to do that.” to stop and breathe. I then avoid using any kind of imagination regardless of using porn or not and engage in sexual intercourse only with people who gave me specific consent for that. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive as that masturbation is something that I can engage in at any time and as frequently as I desire to since it is something natural and will not negatively influence my relationships with others. I realize that while masturbation is something completely normal it does result in an energetic experience which has addictive qualities like all energies in general. I admit that I have been using masturbation lately much more often due to feeling bored and wanted to distract my mind and entertain myself. The fact is that overusing any kind of distraction in form of positive energetic experience as an escape from heavy negative energetic feeling is compromising. Thus I commit myself to when and as I am low and my mind is producing thought like: “Just lift yourself up by immediately engaging in pleasures of masturbation.” to stop and breathe. I then rather rest or take a break in form of physical exercise or walking. And in case of there is something deep that is bothering me to use speaking and writing to discover and remediate the root cause of it. But of course, I also allow myself to masturbate or have sex with someone from time to time in form of my pure physical expression without using any kind of imagination.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within the DIP Lite free online course and the following previous blog posts of mine that are related to porn:

Day 43: Masturbation research (13 May 2013)
Day 108: Relationship addiction (16 August 2013)
Day 110: Overcoming addiction to sex energy (24 August 2014)

And I invite you to listen to educational audios from Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence. Here are links to videos and audios that are relevant to this blog post:

The Effect of Porn on New Relationships (Video - Part 1)
Facing the Fear of Porn Addiction (Video - Part 2)
Addiction Energy & Memories (Audio - Reptilians)
Addiction and Change (Audio - Quantum Mind)
Shocking Secrets of Masturbation Series (31 audios)
Relationship Success Support Series (126 audios)
What is Sex Series (37 audios)

Day 165: Strange pressure under my left breast

For a couple of weeks, I have been experiencing strange pressure under my left breast. It is like someone would hold slight pressure between two of my ribs with one finger. It is not a pain nor a sharp pinch but it feels more like a small hole. It could also be some kind of small cramp. It is not deep but more in the area between the ribs and the skin. Initially, the feeling appeared only when I inhaled and the lungs expanded but later it escalated to an almost even pressure also while I am exhaling. It started after the event when my flatmate has been very emotional for the whole day and projected a lot of her past frustrations and accused me that I am responsible for how she felt. So the feeling could be related to my relationship with here, however, I feel that it is in an even stronger connection to other business and specifically money-related issues that I have been also facing at that time.

In January 2018 I left participation in a global project where I invested 5 months of my full dedication with the expectation that we will be able to launch a new soon convertible humanitarian cryptocurrency and I was also paid for my work in that currency. However, since things did not turn out as I expected, I got tired of excuses and quit the project. Since I have in the past several years participated in many other projects that others initiated and none of them fulfilled the promises I decided to take things into my own hands and create a project where I will be in charge of and thus also avoid disappointments. So at the beginning of this year, my friend and I joined forces to develop a product where he would take the part of a technical development and I the part of branding and marketing. I invested a lot of time into creating a website, promotional and instructional videos and in March the first Facebook marketing campaign was launched.

I expected that soon after the first dozen of users would finish the free product trial period they will automatically purchase the product and the money will start rolling in. However, that did not happen and many did not even succeded to effectively test the product. In order to get more perspectives about what could be the cause for the product not to launch successfully I then contacted dozen of business mentors to evaluate the website and product user experience. Based on the feedback I concluded that money will not roll in so quickly as I projected and that a totally different and gradual approach will be necessary for it to achieve the goal. In the past months my personal finances were very low, then my business partner went abroad for several weeks and also my father that so far regularly assisted me with additional funds in exchange for some design work that I have been performing for him was not able to pay me in time. So several sources of income that I have been relying on have let me down and a subconscious fear of survival started to take a grip on me.

And there has also been a social factor that contributed to the creation of some kind of constriction in my chest. In recent months I used to visit my good friend and business partner at least twice a week and with him and his girlfriends I was able to talk about the deepest stuff and be understood. Now since they went abroad I did not have any person nearby that I could visit and share my thoughts. With my flatmate, we went through many phases of relationship in the past several years where we concluded that we are definitely not compatible as a couple. Sometimes we do have meaningful conversation however her frequent emotional outbursts are something that disturbs me very much. Until a couple of months ago I have been meeting her on a daily basis however then she started to be out of her apartment even one week in a row persuing new boyfriend relationships. Also on weekends, a young daughter of one of my neighbors visited me frequently and I spent many hours teaching her how to cook. Then her father forbade her to visit me, probably due to envy.

Thus several factors that were financial and social kind accumulated and created constriction and anxiety. Especially due to the absence of my business partner I felt like our project has stuck and that I can not move on with development as fast as before. I definitely did make some moves on my own by gathering feedback from our first clients and business mentors and I executed some legal, strategical and structural changes regarding the project and the company. So now I am going to be using the tools as perfected within the DIP Lite free online course to face and transform the related mind patterns and thus remove the primary course for pressure in my chest:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be attached to outer stimulation in order for me to do certain things. I realize that I have been conditioned by my upbringing where especially my father played a significant role, however, I have now gained almost complete independence from my parents and it would be useful for me to stop my social determinism. I commit myself the when and as I would like to achieve something and my mind produces thoughts like: “Why doing something if no one is telling me to do that?” to stop and breathe. Instead of waiting for others to direct me, I then unconditionally direct myself towards completing my projects. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for my actions to be energetically conditioned where I would need to experience the energy of fear as the consequence of others threatening me if I do not do exactly what they want me to. I realize that I have been living in an energetic polarity where while not being influenced by others I have been in a state of resting and waiting in the feeling of low and tiredness and only if others would motivate me, I would experience the energy of excitement as the needed initiation for my movement. I commit myself to when and as I want to move and my mind is producing thoughts like: “You are feeling tired and low so just listen to yourself and have a deserved rest since sooner or later someone will want something from you and that will be the sign for you to move again.” to stop and breathe. I then check if my feeling of tiredness is actually a physical tiredness where my body really needs a rest. And if it is a feeling of tiredness produced by the mind I stand up and move, not allowing the mental energy to direct me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in projected criticism of others which has become a sort of addiction for me. I realize that regardless of how I have been influenced by my family surrounding, indulging in the ranting of others where they point out only bad things and mistakes that I have made in the past and how I am the only one to blame for them such is really not supportive for me. I commit myself to when and as someone would criticise me for something that I know is not actually true and my mind would produce thoughts like: “Just keep listening to them since you might learn something new and strengthen the relationship with the person who is criticising you.” to stop and breathe. I realize that I do not need to depend on people who are just nasty and do not want to support me as equal and I commit myself to communicate and work only for the people who have a respectful attitude towards me. Thus when and as I notice that someone has started to use projected criticism, I tell them to stop and if they continue I immediately remove myself from their company. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose faith in me and to define myself as an incompetent person since in the last several years the projects that I took part at have not been profitable. I realize that such is mostly opinion of my father that does not know or want to communicate in other ways but to show only the bad things that happened to me and that for him the only measure of success is the generated profit in for of liquid currency. In reality, I have created a lot of assets with the potential to be liquid in the future and all the events that I took part in were in some way valuable for me since I gained a lot of new acquaintances and experiences that I can make use of in my future undertakings. Thus when and as I think of what project I should develop next and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Past has proven that you are a complete failure thus better to not decide about anything on your own and rather wait for someone who is capable to tell you exactly what to do!” to stop and breathe. I then within the realization that there is no such individual who is perfect and is able to guide me without any mistakes rather be my own leader and engage in productive actions. Because as they say, there is no success without failure and if you want to succeed fast, do as many mistakes as you can.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Stuck from the The Soul of Money series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 131: Overcoming addiction to watching movies

A pattern has rebuild in relation to watching movies. It started about 20 years ago when I begun to work in the pre-press department of our family company. Computers were the main tool to do graphic design so I was sitting and watching the monitor from morning to late afternoon. When I would finish my daily tasks, I went up stairs into the living room and turned on the TV. Watching moves relaxed me and I would would watch them also on the TV set in my bedroom till late evening. This developed into such addiction that I finally decided to sell the TV set in my bedroom and also couple of years later, when I moved to my own flat, I decided not to have a TV set.

I still do not possess a TV set however I have a desktop computer with a very large screen and I watch many of the movies and video content with online availability. Recently I noticed that I increased the quantity of movies that I watch per week and I need to stop this since it interferes with my other responsibilities, especially business tasks. I am currently in the final stage of developing a new business where I would have to do in-home presentations for a very valuable product. There are couple of things that create psychical resistance in moving forward.

One is that I want the presentation to be prepared in such perfection that it would create the best impact and as much sales as possible. Every in-home visit is the final stage where hot leads have been funneled through many marketing steps, from creating a web site, advertising, collecting leads, making phone calls and scheduling meetings. Thus I want to make sure that every in-home presentation is properly done by explaining the client all the benefits and saving that they will get by purchasing our product. 

Second thing is the significant change of work tasks. Up to now I made my living mostly by doing a design work for regular clients. It was cozy to work in my nice home office and I did not have to do much traveling. My new job demands me to move much more since it is I who will be visiting clients on their home so I will have to plan trips, use the car, navigation and have to be dressed in a business suit in order to get the job done.

Third issue is the increased responsibility due to managing a much bigger project that ever before. As a designer I had not further requests after I delivered the order. The product that I will be selling now however will require many years of customer support and I expect to have many thousands of clients. So it will definitely require a quite different life style and mindset as before. I will have to get trained in team management and leadership skills and will have to handle much more informations.

All these issues contributed to creation of resistance which manifested as procrastination by watching movies. Now it is up to me to change this pattern and direct myself by becoming aware of this patterns and changing them by applying self-forgiveness and self-commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in moves. I realize that moves can be addictive since they take one in the imaginary world where one has no responsibilities but to watch and enjoy the pre-programmed life scenario. Thus a moderation in watching is necessary in order to balance the fun and work responsibilities. When and as I am faced with a job task and my mind creates a thought that invites me to relax some more by watching a movie, I take a deep breath and stop. I use common sense to evaluate the priorities and then decide if situation qualifies for some movie fun time. I commit myself from this moment on not to watch more than one feature film per day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the feeling of anxiety about the complexity of the new business that I am involved in. I realize that no matter how big the project is, everything can be faced by slicing the elephant into a digestible pieces. When and as my mind tries to grasp a large quantity of information and creates a thoughts that this is too much and wants to create a feeling of overwhelmness, I take a deep breath and stop. I direct myself by chopping big tasks into small steps, define priorities, allocate required time and move myself based on the plan. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad due to need of wearing a uncomfortable business suit while making the presentations. I realize that suits are of different quality and while most are not very comfortable, custom tailored suits can fit the body perfectly and thus support the physical body effectively. When and as I am to change my clothes and my mind start to produce thought of associating business suit with the word uncomfortable, I take a deep breath and stop. While my current dress has become a bit tight, I commit myself to invest my first profits into buying myself a comfortable suit that would make my presentations nice and cosy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that my in-home presentations will not be effective. I realize that every presentation that one starts to do will lack perfection initially and thus it is best not to count on doing the first sale very soon. When and as I am about to do a presentation and my mind produces thoughts of doubt about my ability to achieve success in sales, I take a deep breath and stop participating in the mind. I return myself here and respond to any questions that the clients might have until they are informed properly about all the benefits of our product.

Recommended related links:

When Worlds Collide - The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination

Life Review - How I Justified my Life of Anxiety

Worry Wart - Life Review

Day 43: Masturbation research

After feeling blue yesterday, I today woke up still with a feeling of dizziness. I asked myself what to do in order to stabilize my inner pressure. I could go to doctors for diagnose and advise however I know how corrupt and ignorant our medical system is and that it can not be trusted. So I remembered how years ago I was able to calm myself down by doing meditation, more specifically pranayama or breathing exercised while sitting in the lotos position. Thus I sat down in the corner of my couch, closed my eyes and focused on breathing while not allowing any thought to distract my attention. Slowly I started to feel a relief and I felt like a burden would be lifted off me. Also the sky outside cleared and the sun started to shine.

Later when I returned home from doing door to door visits I got a desire to experience a feeling of orgasm again. I played with myself already in the shower this morning and researched how touching of different areas of my penis create different feelings. Especially the middle section of the penis head and the borders around penis mushroom cap are much more sensitive than the rest of the penis area.

While touching this erogene zones, I also noticed how these areas are energetically connected to my legs since whenever I would touch the head of the penis, appearance of the pleasant feeling would correlate with the feeling in my legs. This feeling in my legs was similar or identical to the feeling when I would be scared of something. It destabilized my legs and made them soft. So I assume that the energy for creating the feeling of orgasm is in a way produced from the leg area of the physical body.

In most cased in my past I would masturbate while watching movies from some porn web site. However I heard and realized that this kind of masturbation is in long term very destructive in terms of practical relationships and also promotes rape. So I committed myself to remove my addiction to porn and practice only the physical masturbation.

The quickest way for me to experience orgasm is watching move scenes where some guy would have sex with some girl that I find physically very attractive and I would then imagine that I am that guy in the movie having sex with that woman. The next quickest way is to masturbate without watching movie, but just imagining in my mind that I am having sex with some girl that I find attractive. So very shortly after engaging my imagination into masturbation I would be able to experience masturbation very easily.

However the consequences of this kind of masturbation was that after orgasm I would feel tired, sleepy and with a feeling of foggy mind. I found to be true that masturbation that involves imagination fuels the mind and thus suppresses who you are. The consequences are also that after one practices masturbation while watching movies or imagines sex in the mind, it creates a picture association with the feeling of orgasm. Consequently whenever one observes a sex scene in the movie, the photo of naked women in magazine or meets an attractive person in flesh, the desire and lust for orgasm immediately appears.

This kind of energy-picture association is very limiting and harmful for human relationship. It constantly distracts from collaborating and executing daily activities by producing thoughts about how to invite the person that you find attractive to have sex with you. One starts to project the feeling of orgasm onto another person since they have not researched and became aware where the energy of orgasm originates and how it is produced. However the energy of orgasm has nothing to do with other person since it is created by ones own physical body.

So today I also decided to continue the practical masturbation research in order to become more aware that I am fully responsible for the creation of orgasmic energy. I laid on the bed naked and started to rub my penis between my palms using oil. I would be careful not to use any imagination but just experience the feeling of physical touch thus I had my eyes open and directly observed what I was doing. After initial state of good feelings while touching, the pleasant feelings slowly dissipated and the feeling of touching my penis with my hands began to turn in unpleasant and more and more painful feelings.

This kind of experience is to be normal since rubbing the skin for a certain period of time is expected to become painful. However if using the mind, the sex system masks the pain with energy of good feelings until the orgasmic release and ejaculation. But even when using the mind, after orgasm, the penis starts to feel painful also. Thus rubbing and part of the skin of the body starts to destabilize molecular structure and destroys the physical and the body produces the feeling of pain in order to prevent the continuation of the activity before it is to late and the wound is created.

By fully being aware of ones physical actions while masturbating, one can clearly see that the orgasm can also be produced without any involvement of second party. Thus one takes full self-responsibility for the creation of orgasmic energy and does need anymore to seek, persuade, harass or even rape other being in order to experience the orgasm. Anyone at anytime can rub its body and create energy. So I will be researching the orgasm also in the future and I commit myself not to masturbate ever again by watching porn or engaging my imagination.