Day 168: Transforming my masturbation patterns

It has been around 5 years since the breakup with my last girlfriend. Similar to my first relationship, the last one also laster around 3 years. In both relationships, the sex was great and I would not mind being again in a committed sexual relationship. However, due to my upbringing, my life priorities were elsewhere and being in a relationship and creating my family was far from my main life objective. I am functioning as a pretty independent person and have learned to satisfy my sexual needs by applying masturbation. It is in many ways more practical and safe than engaging in sex with another person. Initially, I have been masturbating only by using touch, then I have been doing it by listening to certain songs, porn magazines and eventually I also started to watch pornographic movies. I learned that using porn can create certain addictions and I have been careful not to become addicted. However recently I have been observing myself and noticed some indications that addiction could be developing so I am going to within this blog post look deeper into this matter.

Regarding masturbation, many people are ashamed of it, do not like to talk about it and some have even accepted a belief system that defines it as something bad. One of my friends told me how the nursery where her parents were leaving her when she was a preschool child has been run by the Christian nuns. They forced children to sleep in a position where their hands had to be on top of the blanket in order to prevent touching any dirty part of the body. And she hated this experience a lot. Defining part of your body as dirty is definitely a point of separation that can develop even into sexual obsessions, fears, constrictions or fetishes in adult years. Sexuality is something natural and despite the addictive quality of sexual orgasmic energy, it can be managed responsibly and practiced in moderation. Such has also been my intent and I so far always applied a directive principle in my sexual practices in order not to harm myself or others.

The same way goes with using pornographic materials. Especially porn videos and now the virtual and augmented reality of the porn industry is something that is used on a daily basis by most of the people of both sexes. The danger here is that many people who masturbate by watching porn can develop an obsession where they can no longer control themselves and thus start to rape others. Also by watching porn users often escalate their preference into more and more violent and exotic sexual scenes. In regard to that, I am satisfied with the fact that my porn preferences remain all these years the same and that I enjoy mostly the scenes where a man and a girl engage in normal sex and where the girl is enjoying herself. I have also satisfied myself only by watching short free porn clips and I never desired to watch long porn movies where I would have to pay some kind of subscription in order to access it. It also assisted me that several years ago I have been for two years taking Kriya Tantra classes where we learned how to direct sexual energy.

All these years I have been careful about being able to achieve orgasm regardless of masturbating using porn or without it. And I especially have paid attention to climax without using any kind of imagination. There are different opinions about the level of consent when masturbating while watching porn movies. And there are different opinions about whether something that you do in the imagination of your mind is an actual act or not since it does not influence physical reality directly and immediately. However, I have learned to understand that also what one does in their secret minds it an act after all and it creates certain kind of consequences. It is clear that if you engage in sexual intercourse with someone in the flesh it is considered rape and punishable by law. Imagining to have sex with someone in your mind without their consent can then also be interpreted as a form of rape. Because the individual that you had sex within your mind did not give you consent for that action despite you imagining that they have willingly fucked you. This is also why I avoid masturbating while imagining that I am having sex with someone that I know in real life.

At porn, the existence of consent is a bit more tricky to define. Because porn stars mostly are aware that people who watch pornographic movies will use them to masturbate while imagining that they are one of the actors in the porn movie. Plus porn performers are also being financially compensated for their work. This is why also I have been occasionally masturbating while watching the porn clips. What is specific about me is that I am a visual guy who professionally worked in graphic design, professional photography and video production for many years. I like watching movies in general and thus porn movies for me were just another kind of visual art that I allow myself to enjoy occasionally. However, I am aware that similar to any other industry, also in the porn industry, there is a lot of abuse. I learned how millions of children are being kidnapped every single year and many are forced into sex slavery. However, it is not only the porn industry that is responsible for all the sexual abuse since even in homes and churches there is a lot of rape. Not only that, there are large cults and pedophile rings who even eat bodies of the babies.

The biggest problem with the porn and imagination is that creates separation and reduces the awareness that all actions in this physical reality have consequences. When you are while watching porn pretending that you are the person in the movie or if you are in your imagination pretending to have sex with someone in such cases there is no direct and immediate notable consequence. In your own mind, everyone is their own god and able to do all kind of things without percieved outflow of events in the physical. So there is a danger that after frequent execution of an act in your mind you might start thinking that there will also be no consequences if you execute the same act in the real world. Such thought can obsess and possess you and drive you into forceful and harmful acts like rape in the context of sexuality. One also starts to lose the ability to distinguish between the picture and the actual physical object. Such danger basically exists when using any kind of simulation from digital screens to computers or even photos and paintings. Many are no longer able to separate actual reality and picture representation of reality. This is actually the reason for all kind of abuse in this world where we can no longer relate to others and thus do not treat them as equals.

Now after I have been observing myself how I sexually respond to the proximity of young females I noticed that responses have not been as I would want them to be. What became noticeable was more immediate and frequent arousal and sexual thoughts about young females. This could be a consequence of me using porn to masturbate more frequently in the recent times than before. My flatmate that used to be around more in the past has been for most of the days out of the apartment for even several weeks in the row. Meeting and chatting with her on a daily basis and even hugging occasionally has been a presence of female energy that has been very beneficial for me in the past. However now I hardly ever see or talk to her and even short chats with her have become much more distant since she is being in a very different mindset than in the past. It has been 5 years since I had a regular sexual partner and after that, I only had sexual intercourse once with another female. I don't know about others but I am not inclined to one-night stands. Never have I went out to clubs with the intent of a hookup and to get laid. My parents did not allow me to be out late at night while I was a minor and after that, I was so consumed with working in our family business that I practically did not have the time or will to visit bars. Also, I do not want to hook up with a girl that drinks or smokes so it is more practical for me to connect with them at dating websites where I can filter out girls that have unacceptable habits.

At the current age of 45 I am thinking about should I even search for a new life partner and create a family of my own or would it fit me best to remain single. I am enjoying a drama-free life so very much that I hardly can imagine how it would look like to be in a relationship again. I am constantly doing something like learning, researching, transforming and sharing self and developing projects. My current goal is to create an educational organization that will offer support to teachers, parents, and children in a wide way. So despite currently not actively looking for a life partner, I plan to sooner or later be surrounded with many co-workers and children of different ages. So the short-term goal is to now firstly develop the organization, provide the funds, and then only will also my personal financial situation be more appropriate to engage in a new life partnership. What is important for me is to be satisfied with who I am, to take good care of my physical body and my property, expand myself, and develop projects that have the power to make the situation on this world better for as many living beings as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to masturbate while watching porn and imagining that I am having sex with the girl in the video. I realize that whenever I engage in masturbation while using porn for faster and easier climax, I condition myself more and more and deepen dependency of experiencing orgasm to watching porn. This can eventually develop in my inability to masturbate and climax without watching porn which is definitely an addiction that I do not want to have. Thus I commit myself to when and as I desire to masturbate and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Just turn on the porn for additional enjoyment of pleasuring also your eyes since it has been produced with full consent and financial compensation for all the actors exactly for such kind of entertainment.” to stop an breath. I then rather challenge myself to watch porn by paying attention that nothing inside me moves and thus strengthen the ability to distinguish what is real as the physical and what is a picture-representation. Or I engage in masturbation without observing any sexual product or using imagination. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I imagine is not real and whatever I do in my imagination has no consequence. I realize that while there is no direct and immediate consequence outflow of actions in human minds, they are actions after all and they did influence me in terms of easier and quicker experience of orgasm and ejaculation which is a tangible physical consequence. Thus I commit myself to when and as I feel the urge to release my sexual energy and my mind produces thoughts like: “You are free to use imagination as the tool to achieve orgasm much more effectively since it is totally safe to use it and has no negative consequences on you or others.” to stop and breathe. I then within the awareness of the actual consequence of using imagination engage in only pure physical sexual intercourse with myself or other people. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret involvement of actors in the porn movies like they have given me full consent to masturbate and imagine that I am the guy in the movie who is fucking them or even making them pregnant. I realize that while usually, porn actors have given consent for their sex acts to be recorded for public screenings and they have been financially compensated, the porn out there could violate their agreement. I learned that most porn actors are being paid very little, some have been forced to act in one way or another and a lot of pornographic videos on the web is being pirated thus the actors have not been compensated fairly for their work. And despite the existence of some awareness that people will watch their porn movies during masturbation and that some porn stars are even flattered by that, most actors did not give direct consent to in the imagination engage in sexual intercourse with them. Besides that, they probably would not be happy with any viewer to execute their imagination in the real world and have sex with them without their direct and specific consent. Thus I commit myself to when and as I would like a sexual experience and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Just watch some porn end imagine how you are the one who is fucking the brains out of that beautiful teen since she has given you full consent to do that.” to stop and breathe. I then avoid using any kind of imagination regardless of using porn or not and engage in sexual intercourse only with people who gave me specific consent for that. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive as that masturbation is something that I can engage in at any time and as frequently as I desire to since it is something natural and will not negatively influence my relationships with others. I realize that while masturbation is something completely normal it does result in an energetic experience which has addictive qualities like all energies in general. I admit that I have been using masturbation lately much more often due to feeling bored and wanted to distract my mind and entertain myself. The fact is that overusing any kind of distraction in form of positive energetic experience as an escape from heavy negative energetic feeling is compromising. Thus I commit myself to when and as I am low and my mind is producing thought like: “Just lift yourself up by immediately engaging in pleasures of masturbation.” to stop and breathe. I then rather rest or take a break in form of physical exercise or walking. And in case of there is something deep that is bothering me to use speaking and writing to discover and remediate the root cause of it. But of course, I also allow myself to masturbate or have sex with someone from time to time in form of my pure physical expression without using any kind of imagination.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within the DIP Lite free online course and the following previous blog posts of mine that are related to porn:

Day 43: Masturbation research (13 May 2013)
Day 108: Relationship addiction (16 August 2013)
Day 110: Overcoming addiction to sex energy (24 August 2014)

And I invite you to listen to educational audios from Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence. Here are links to videos and audios that are relevant to this blog post:

The Effect of Porn on New Relationships (Video - Part 1)
Facing the Fear of Porn Addiction (Video - Part 2)
Addiction Energy & Memories (Audio - Reptilians)
Addiction and Change (Audio - Quantum Mind)
Shocking Secrets of Masturbation Series (31 audios)
Relationship Success Support Series (126 audios)
What is Sex Series (37 audios)

Day 165: Strange pressure under my left breast

For a couple of weeks, I have been experiencing strange pressure under my left breast. It is like someone would hold slight pressure between two of my ribs with one finger. It is not a pain nor a sharp pinch but it feels more like a small hole. It could also be some kind of small cramp. It is not deep but more in the area between the ribs and the skin. Initially, the feeling appeared only when I inhaled and the lungs expanded but later it escalated to an almost even pressure also while I am exhaling. It started after the event when my flatmate has been very emotional for the whole day and projected a lot of her past frustrations and accused me that I am responsible for how she felt. So the feeling could be related to my relationship with here, however, I feel that it is in an even stronger connection to other business and specifically money-related issues that I have been also facing at that time.

In January 2018 I left participation in a global project where I invested 5 months of my full dedication with the expectation that we will be able to launch a new soon convertible humanitarian cryptocurrency and I was also paid for my work in that currency. However, since things did not turn out as I expected, I got tired of excuses and quit the project. Since I have in the past several years participated in many other projects that others initiated and none of them fulfilled the promises I decided to take things into my own hands and create a project where I will be in charge of and thus also avoid disappointments. So at the beginning of this year, my friend and I joined forces to develop a product where he would take the part of a technical development and I the part of branding and marketing. I invested a lot of time into creating a website, promotional and instructional videos and in March the first Facebook marketing campaign was launched.

I expected that soon after the first dozen of users would finish the free product trial period they will automatically purchase the product and the money will start rolling in. However, that did not happen and many did not even succeded to effectively test the product. In order to get more perspectives about what could be the cause for the product not to launch successfully I then contacted dozen of business mentors to evaluate the website and product user experience. Based on the feedback I concluded that money will not roll in so quickly as I projected and that a totally different and gradual approach will be necessary for it to achieve the goal. In the past months my personal finances were very low, then my business partner went abroad for several weeks and also my father that so far regularly assisted me with additional funds in exchange for some design work that I have been performing for him was not able to pay me in time. So several sources of income that I have been relying on have let me down and a subconscious fear of survival started to take a grip on me.

And there has also been a social factor that contributed to the creation of some kind of constriction in my chest. In recent months I used to visit my good friend and business partner at least twice a week and with him and his girlfriends I was able to talk about the deepest stuff and be understood. Now since they went abroad I did not have any person nearby that I could visit and share my thoughts. With my flatmate, we went through many phases of relationship in the past several years where we concluded that we are definitely not compatible as a couple. Sometimes we do have meaningful conversation however her frequent emotional outbursts are something that disturbs me very much. Until a couple of months ago I have been meeting her on a daily basis however then she started to be out of her apartment even one week in a row persuing new boyfriend relationships. Also on weekends, a young daughter of one of my neighbors visited me frequently and I spent many hours teaching her how to cook. Then her father forbade her to visit me, probably due to envy.

Thus several factors that were financial and social kind accumulated and created constriction and anxiety. Especially due to the absence of my business partner I felt like our project has stuck and that I can not move on with development as fast as before. I definitely did make some moves on my own by gathering feedback from our first clients and business mentors and I executed some legal, strategical and structural changes regarding the project and the company. So now I am going to be using the tools as perfected within the DIP Lite free online course to face and transform the related mind patterns and thus remove the primary course for pressure in my chest:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be attached to outer stimulation in order for me to do certain things. I realize that I have been conditioned by my upbringing where especially my father played a significant role, however, I have now gained almost complete independence from my parents and it would be useful for me to stop my social determinism. I commit myself the when and as I would like to achieve something and my mind produces thoughts like: “Why doing something if no one is telling me to do that?” to stop and breathe. Instead of waiting for others to direct me, I then unconditionally direct myself towards completing my projects. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for my actions to be energetically conditioned where I would need to experience the energy of fear as the consequence of others threatening me if I do not do exactly what they want me to. I realize that I have been living in an energetic polarity where while not being influenced by others I have been in a state of resting and waiting in the feeling of low and tiredness and only if others would motivate me, I would experience the energy of excitement as the needed initiation for my movement. I commit myself to when and as I want to move and my mind is producing thoughts like: “You are feeling tired and low so just listen to yourself and have a deserved rest since sooner or later someone will want something from you and that will be the sign for you to move again.” to stop and breathe. I then check if my feeling of tiredness is actually a physical tiredness where my body really needs a rest. And if it is a feeling of tiredness produced by the mind I stand up and move, not allowing the mental energy to direct me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in projected criticism of others which has become a sort of addiction for me. I realize that regardless of how I have been influenced by my family surrounding, indulging in the ranting of others where they point out only bad things and mistakes that I have made in the past and how I am the only one to blame for them such is really not supportive for me. I commit myself to when and as someone would criticise me for something that I know is not actually true and my mind would produce thoughts like: “Just keep listening to them since you might learn something new and strengthen the relationship with the person who is criticising you.” to stop and breathe. I realize that I do not need to depend on people who are just nasty and do not want to support me as equal and I commit myself to communicate and work only for the people who have a respectful attitude towards me. Thus when and as I notice that someone has started to use projected criticism, I tell them to stop and if they continue I immediately remove myself from their company. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose faith in me and to define myself as an incompetent person since in the last several years the projects that I took part at have not been profitable. I realize that such is mostly opinion of my father that does not know or want to communicate in other ways but to show only the bad things that happened to me and that for him the only measure of success is the generated profit in for of liquid currency. In reality, I have created a lot of assets with the potential to be liquid in the future and all the events that I took part in were in some way valuable for me since I gained a lot of new acquaintances and experiences that I can make use of in my future undertakings. Thus when and as I think of what project I should develop next and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Past has proven that you are a complete failure thus better to not decide about anything on your own and rather wait for someone who is capable to tell you exactly what to do!” to stop and breathe. I then within the realization that there is no such individual who is perfect and is able to guide me without any mistakes rather be my own leader and engage in productive actions. Because as they say, there is no success without failure and if you want to succeed fast, do as many mistakes as you can.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Stuck from the The Soul of Money series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 148: Energy, frequency and vibration

People who consider themselves spiritual ten to use specific word in order to communicate their progress and how they see change in this world. Many of them use the quote of Nikola Tesla who said: “If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration.” Some talk also about the higher dimensions, about love consciousness, chakras, photon bands and increasing power of light that will expose the darkness. Positive thinking and positive energy is according to them the answer to solve current problems of humanity. They define this world as nothing but illusion since when we look the matter under the electronic microscope is is comprised only by small particles and a lot of space. Such definitions and explanations have confused me and made me wonder how to define myself and what to do since this world still seem to my human body senses as a very solid manifestation of reality and it did not go away just by becoming introduced to the quantum physics. And how practically shall I then open my hearth chakra, increase vibration and become the being of light since I can not see any doors, frequency modulator or energy switch? This was so intangible and impractical that it was driving me mad. Because if this world is only a hologram where we experience life lessons and we return to reality when we leave our physical bodies, is it then death not the only exit after one has reached such enlightenment and would it then not be the best to just kill myself as soon as possible to escape this illusion?

Luckily several years ago I discovered an interesting source of information that explained also what is going on in the afterlife and how the system of reincarnation works. And then also how it has been changed in order to stop the suffering in this world. Then also that energy is not the primary manifestation that created the illusion of substance but that it is the other way around. It was the substance as the embodiment of sound that created itself into energy and frequency. And that explanation enabled me to ground myself and a more practical way to work on the process of identifying and removing all point of separation. Also in the Bible it is said that “in the beginning was the world“ so if the words have the power of creation, I am able to use the words to recreate the existence into something that is far more desirable. But before that I must also understand what world actually mean and to align my definitions according to the real meaning. Because I realised that it is not only the negative energy like fear that paralyses but that also the positive energy like love has an equal effect. All the energy that is created by the vibration as manifested conflict and separation within the substance is what is possessing and blinding us and moving us away from each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this world as illusion and wanting to escape from it by killing myself. I realise that the problem is not with the world that I find myself in but in my relationship with it and how I experience it. I commit myself to when and as I find myself in a challenging situation and my mind is producing thoughts like: “What is the point of all this of this world is not real? Why just not go home to the afterlife and enjoy the bliss of heaven?“ to stop and breathe. I then continue to move myself it his world and contribute to make it better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that problems of this world can be solved by increasing my frequency of vibration and light within me. I realise that while objects in this world do resonate and one can measure the frequency and intensity of many things, there are actual words behind the actions of everyone of us. I commit myself to when and as I experience trouble and my mind goes: “Just sit down, open your hearth chakra and imagine for the energy of love and light to emanate into all the existence!” to stop and breathe. I rather look deeper into my subconscious mind and name the game by finding appropriate words that describe the movement within me that create conflict between me and this world and then forgive all points of separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that this existence would fix itself quickly and thus becoming restless and impatient. I realise that in this dimension of time and space there are laws that govern how fast something manifests that I am not able to change by using only wishful thinking. I commit myself to when and as I see how slow things move and my mind is saying me: “You should become angry and express your anergy of dissatisfaction!“ to stop and breathe. I then move myself slowly and patiently with the speed of the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will die before I achieve anything substantial in my life since time is passing so fast. I realise that every single thought, emotion, word and action of mine count since everything creates consequence and ripple effects. I commit myself to when and as I see how much I have achieved in my life and my mind steps in with thoughts like: “You are running out of time so better hurry to create something that other will remember you by!“ to stop and breathe. I then continue to perfect myself with awareness that the best way to fix this world is by firstly improving myself and become a practical example for others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to control the events in this reality and becoming disappointed when they do not turn out as I imagined. I realise that I am only one of many individuals that influence the events in this existence and that the only thing that I am able to control is myself and the attitude towards myself and the outer manifestations. I commit myself to when and as I observe what is going on outside myself and my mind goes like: “Look at all this suffering and distraction! You must become very sad since you are powerless and very small part of existence.” to stop and breathe. I then continue with participation in this world with awareness that the most important is for me to do my best and encourage others to do the same. 

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-assisting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled The Creation of Energy from the The Secret History of the Universe series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 109: Releasing the energy

I have now downloaded all the free audios from Eqafe store and have been listening them for the last two days during my walks in the forest and driving around the city. Audios assisted me in realizing the source and nature of the energy and how it sucks life out of the physical until it destroys it completely. Thus I am now more careful about any energetic movement in my body and stop the energy by breathing until it dissipates.

I also went back through my memories of sex and masturbation experiences and realized how the experience of mind orgasm always influenced my physical body. During movement of my penis, I would feel the connection of the points on my penis with my legs. I felt how the tension in my legs would accumulate simultaneously with the accumulation of the sexual energy in my genitals and at the time of orgasm, legs tension would completely paralyze me. Also after orgasm I would feel exhausted and my mind would possess me even more, rendering me incapable of self-movement.

Years ago I started to notice, how lower part of legs would be cold, but I did not pay much attention to it. I concluded this to be normal and I also connected this with me sitting all the time since I have been working extensively with computers from mornings to evenings. Now I can also make strong connection with the activities of the mind, especially with the sex system. Orgasm extracted the energy out of my legs and now they have become very cold. I went once to the Chinese medicine specialist and was very surprised how cold they were and they also sweat a lot during the summer.

So good bye energy and welcome life. I commit myself to release the mind and birth myself from the physical. When I see my mind move or experience andy energetic movements, I focus an breathing until I am again here in the physical and all the energy is gone. I move my body and experiment with all kinds of expressions through movement. Maybe I will build also a special experimental ground in the woods somewhere where physical movement could be expressed in its fullest.

Day 73: Overcoming mind energetics

Since I moved in the new apartment and am again living single, some old patterns reappeared that sabotage my life and lower my success in achieving desired goals. I experience resistance to learning, I lack of self-discipline and I indulge in watching movies and also temptations of masturbating while watching port are becoming more and more seductive.

For example I have errands to do and then I start to think about everything that I would have to go through in order to accomplish them. I imagine things that I will have to do but I do do not like them very much and thus my mind becomes cloudy and I experience tiredness and sleepiness. However instead of focusing or resting in order to clarify things, I usually decide to watch some YouTube video. Sometimes this could be bunch of short funny videos or even movies that are about 2 ours long.

When watching movies I have a bad feeling due to thinking that I am vasting my time however I also feel good due to nice pictures, scenes, drama and action in the movies. It is my way of running from the reality, of reseting, however I understand that this is not the solution. Usually after finishing watching some cool movie, I again become sad that the movie already ended so I immediately pick another one and watch it until I feel satisfies enough and it is so late that I feel very bad and I finally decide to go to sleep.

Also since I moved I did not continue to read any book. I feel that reading books is too boring comparing to watching movies. There is no color, no movement and no sounds when reading a book and it is also annoying since the letters are so small and I have to turn pages. However I am learning that reading is essential for self-empowerment and self-realization. Leader are always readers. So if I want to achieve my goals, I will have to change my habits extensively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to think about things that might happen in the future if I decide for certain project or job instead of breathing effectively, staying here and moving step by step and allowing myself the opportunity to see what will actually happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to when I experience tiredness to start watching movies or even masturbate instead of calming down, resting and focusing and then continue with thing that I have planned to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to stop reading instead of realizing that reading each day and expanding my vocabulary each day is very important for creating a habit of self-education and enlarging my ability to focus that will result in being more successful in all areas of my life.

Day 43: Masturbation research

After feeling blue yesterday, I today woke up still with a feeling of dizziness. I asked myself what to do in order to stabilize my inner pressure. I could go to doctors for diagnose and advise however I know how corrupt and ignorant our medical system is and that it can not be trusted. So I remembered how years ago I was able to calm myself down by doing meditation, more specifically pranayama or breathing exercised while sitting in the lotos position. Thus I sat down in the corner of my couch, closed my eyes and focused on breathing while not allowing any thought to distract my attention. Slowly I started to feel a relief and I felt like a burden would be lifted off me. Also the sky outside cleared and the sun started to shine.

Later when I returned home from doing door to door visits I got a desire to experience a feeling of orgasm again. I played with myself already in the shower this morning and researched how touching of different areas of my penis create different feelings. Especially the middle section of the penis head and the borders around penis mushroom cap are much more sensitive than the rest of the penis area.

While touching this erogene zones, I also noticed how these areas are energetically connected to my legs since whenever I would touch the head of the penis, appearance of the pleasant feeling would correlate with the feeling in my legs. This feeling in my legs was similar or identical to the feeling when I would be scared of something. It destabilized my legs and made them soft. So I assume that the energy for creating the feeling of orgasm is in a way produced from the leg area of the physical body.

In most cased in my past I would masturbate while watching movies from some porn web site. However I heard and realized that this kind of masturbation is in long term very destructive in terms of practical relationships and also promotes rape. So I committed myself to remove my addiction to porn and practice only the physical masturbation.

The quickest way for me to experience orgasm is watching move scenes where some guy would have sex with some girl that I find physically very attractive and I would then imagine that I am that guy in the movie having sex with that woman. The next quickest way is to masturbate without watching movie, but just imagining in my mind that I am having sex with some girl that I find attractive. So very shortly after engaging my imagination into masturbation I would be able to experience masturbation very easily.

However the consequences of this kind of masturbation was that after orgasm I would feel tired, sleepy and with a feeling of foggy mind. I found to be true that masturbation that involves imagination fuels the mind and thus suppresses who you are. The consequences are also that after one practices masturbation while watching movies or imagines sex in the mind, it creates a picture association with the feeling of orgasm. Consequently whenever one observes a sex scene in the movie, the photo of naked women in magazine or meets an attractive person in flesh, the desire and lust for orgasm immediately appears.

This kind of energy-picture association is very limiting and harmful for human relationship. It constantly distracts from collaborating and executing daily activities by producing thoughts about how to invite the person that you find attractive to have sex with you. One starts to project the feeling of orgasm onto another person since they have not researched and became aware where the energy of orgasm originates and how it is produced. However the energy of orgasm has nothing to do with other person since it is created by ones own physical body.

So today I also decided to continue the practical masturbation research in order to become more aware that I am fully responsible for the creation of orgasmic energy. I laid on the bed naked and started to rub my penis between my palms using oil. I would be careful not to use any imagination but just experience the feeling of physical touch thus I had my eyes open and directly observed what I was doing. After initial state of good feelings while touching, the pleasant feelings slowly dissipated and the feeling of touching my penis with my hands began to turn in unpleasant and more and more painful feelings.

This kind of experience is to be normal since rubbing the skin for a certain period of time is expected to become painful. However if using the mind, the sex system masks the pain with energy of good feelings until the orgasmic release and ejaculation. But even when using the mind, after orgasm, the penis starts to feel painful also. Thus rubbing and part of the skin of the body starts to destabilize molecular structure and destroys the physical and the body produces the feeling of pain in order to prevent the continuation of the activity before it is to late and the wound is created.

By fully being aware of ones physical actions while masturbating, one can clearly see that the orgasm can also be produced without any involvement of second party. Thus one takes full self-responsibility for the creation of orgasmic energy and does need anymore to seek, persuade, harass or even rape other being in order to experience the orgasm. Anyone at anytime can rub its body and create energy. So I will be researching the orgasm also in the future and I commit myself not to masturbate ever again by watching porn or engaging my imagination. 

2012 Polarity feeling emotional mind energy exposed

I have been feeling very down and heavy in past several days. It felt like I weighted twice the normal weight, I just wanted to rest and was not able to do much work. This was because I have been exposed to information from TV news about financial crisis, recession, prices of gas going up and similar concerning events. Together with not having enough money to pay for my rent on time, I felt quite depressed and started to consider what are the options to go out of these heavy feelings.

I could have done some self-forgiveness, but I was soo down that I could not even type or speak the words. I searched for the solution and then I remembered that some physical exercise could move and release those energies. Since I am in the center of capital city of our Slovenia country, I am not very fun of running on the streets and woods and mountains are quite far away. I wanted to come with a solution that I would be able to use daily and that is very practical. Thus I remember that a rebounder was suggested as the jumping up and down an the elastic canvas is an exercise that also what has been recommended by NASA.

I searched local web site for used sports equipment and someone has been selling a 1,5 meter diameter round used rebounder for just 30 euros which I considered to be a very cool price. I immediately called the guy on the phone and asked if I may come and test the piece. He confirmed, I jumped into my car and in 20 minutes I was already doing the test jumps. What was also cool is that the device flopped twice so it fitted into my car very easily. When I returned home I washed all the pieces since they were slightly dusty due to outdoor use and soon I was already jumping up in the air like crazy.

I can say it assisted me a lot since a smile came to my face and I started to feel much more relaxed. Similar exercise are also what at Desteni was suggested within the Structural Resonance Alignment course and they also have a quite large trampoline at Desteni farm in South Africa where I payed them a visit last year. I now keep my rebounder as for of first aid right in the middle of anteroom and I use it several time a day. The next day after first use I experienced pain on top of my shoulders and on the belly. I was warned that after first use some muscles would hurt since this exercise activates many muscles, including some new ones that one does not use in usually.

In addition to this physical exercise I also took advice to stop listening only news about destruction and degradation on this world, and to watch some comedy movie or similar that would bring me joy and laughs. Thus I started to watch the YouTube clips of Talent Shows where different people would perform singing, magic and other variety acts. I enjoyed those clips a lot and I would watch day for couple of hours late into night. I started to become possessed with energy of good feelings and it was hard for me to stop watching those movies. So thus I started to slowly drift to the other polarity of emotional energy. Some acts moved me so much that even tears started to emerge from my eyes.

This is my pattern of exchange between bad emotions and good feelings that direct my life instead of me directing myself without influence of any energy. I noticed that when I have enough money I feel relaxed and I spend a lot and at that time I just want to enjoy and do not care much about future plans to establish the proper money flow in order to constantly have enough money for my needs. Only when it is almost too late, when it is the last chance to start digging myself out of deep shit, I became motivated enough by the fear of loss so that I take action and do something in order to earn some money again.

This time I decided to sell my video and photo equipment and I made an effort to prepare the ads and collect the emails of all the video production companies in our country. The next day after I sent them an email with my offer, several people already expressed interest in some pieces of my equipment. Thus I was able to transform my belongings into money very quickly. I learned lately that one should not be ashamed to sell some possessions that one does not need so it can be invested into projects that would soon bring back even more money. And I am also prepared to move to cheaper apartment and do whatever necessary in order to fix my life.

So the only thing that is completely detrimental for avery individual are mind patterns of constant worry about what all bad things might happen in the future and being afraid of loosing objects of possession. Some people who are currently very successful have gone bankrupt in the past but they raised themselves up again and rebuilt their lives again. Thus it is not important how many times you fall but that how many times you stand up. Of course going bankrupt is not a magic formula for success and I also have no intention to completely waste all my money but for some they need to go through this experience in order to change their thinking and behavior patterns.

1. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself a good feeling when I have enough money and feeling of safety and thus not having motivation to move myself as life, instead of realizing that energies are what destroy life thus it is necessary to direct myself in every breath and do what is best for all and release any accumulated energy of bad or good feelings and emotions.

And this is a very supporting video from Sunette Spies in regards to becoming emotional when watching some movie scenes that I highly recommend: