2012 Polarity feeling emotional mind energy exposed

I have been feeling very down and heavy in past several days. It felt like I weighted twice the normal weight, I just wanted to rest and was not able to do much work. This was because I have been exposed to information from TV news about financial crisis, recession, prices of gas going up and similar concerning events. Together with not having enough money to pay for my rent on time, I felt quite depressed and started to consider what are the options to go out of these heavy feelings.

I could have done some self-forgiveness, but I was soo down that I could not even type or speak the words. I searched for the solution and then I remembered that some physical exercise could move and release those energies. Since I am in the center of capital city of our Slovenia country, I am not very fun of running on the streets and woods and mountains are quite far away. I wanted to come with a solution that I would be able to use daily and that is very practical. Thus I remember that a rebounder was suggested as the jumping up and down an the elastic canvas is an exercise that also what has been recommended by NASA.

I searched local web site for used sports equipment and someone has been selling a 1,5 meter diameter round used rebounder for just 30 euros which I considered to be a very cool price. I immediately called the guy on the phone and asked if I may come and test the piece. He confirmed, I jumped into my car and in 20 minutes I was already doing the test jumps. What was also cool is that the device flopped twice so it fitted into my car very easily. When I returned home I washed all the pieces since they were slightly dusty due to outdoor use and soon I was already jumping up in the air like crazy.

I can say it assisted me a lot since a smile came to my face and I started to feel much more relaxed. Similar exercise are also what at Desteni was suggested within the Structural Resonance Alignment course and they also have a quite large trampoline at Desteni farm in South Africa where I payed them a visit last year. I now keep my rebounder as for of first aid right in the middle of anteroom and I use it several time a day. The next day after first use I experienced pain on top of my shoulders and on the belly. I was warned that after first use some muscles would hurt since this exercise activates many muscles, including some new ones that one does not use in usually.

In addition to this physical exercise I also took advice to stop listening only news about destruction and degradation on this world, and to watch some comedy movie or similar that would bring me joy and laughs. Thus I started to watch the YouTube clips of Talent Shows where different people would perform singing, magic and other variety acts. I enjoyed those clips a lot and I would watch day for couple of hours late into night. I started to become possessed with energy of good feelings and it was hard for me to stop watching those movies. So thus I started to slowly drift to the other polarity of emotional energy. Some acts moved me so much that even tears started to emerge from my eyes.

This is my pattern of exchange between bad emotions and good feelings that direct my life instead of me directing myself without influence of any energy. I noticed that when I have enough money I feel relaxed and I spend a lot and at that time I just want to enjoy and do not care much about future plans to establish the proper money flow in order to constantly have enough money for my needs. Only when it is almost too late, when it is the last chance to start digging myself out of deep shit, I became motivated enough by the fear of loss so that I take action and do something in order to earn some money again.

This time I decided to sell my video and photo equipment and I made an effort to prepare the ads and collect the emails of all the video production companies in our country. The next day after I sent them an email with my offer, several people already expressed interest in some pieces of my equipment. Thus I was able to transform my belongings into money very quickly. I learned lately that one should not be ashamed to sell some possessions that one does not need so it can be invested into projects that would soon bring back even more money. And I am also prepared to move to cheaper apartment and do whatever necessary in order to fix my life.

So the only thing that is completely detrimental for avery individual are mind patterns of constant worry about what all bad things might happen in the future and being afraid of loosing objects of possession. Some people who are currently very successful have gone bankrupt in the past but they raised themselves up again and rebuilt their lives again. Thus it is not important how many times you fall but that how many times you stand up. Of course going bankrupt is not a magic formula for success and I also have no intention to completely waste all my money but for some they need to go through this experience in order to change their thinking and behavior patterns.

1. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself a good feeling when I have enough money and feeling of safety and thus not having motivation to move myself as life, instead of realizing that energies are what destroy life thus it is necessary to direct myself in every breath and do what is best for all and release any accumulated energy of bad or good feelings and emotions.

And this is a very supporting video from Sunette Spies in regards to becoming emotional when watching some movie scenes that I highly recommend:

2011 - Destructive nature of love as feeling

I just finished a relationship that lasted for almost exactly one year. It started when one girl fall in love with me over internet since we had a lot of common interests. She then very persistently started to call and message me and wanting to meet with me. I in kind a way felt very flattered that someone has so much interest in me, but I was also aware that this kind of obsession is not the best foundation for any relationship. But since I did not want to pre-judge her, I gave her a chance and started a relationship with her.

When we first met face to face, I explained her that my interests are in self-realisation and making this world a better place for all. I told her that we can be only in kind a relationship that we call An Agreement. This is not a typical relationship where two people start living together and start supporting each other personality or ego, but the other way around. Partners are to expose each other's destructive behavior patterns and transform them so that they are not only best for that person, but best for all living beings on this world.

My girlfriend agreed that she is prepared to work on herself, analyze and remove all mind patterns that cause her to emotionally react and that also made her to define me as something more and thus created the energy that she calls love. You see, there are two kinds of love. One is fake love of the mind that is the energy feeling, and other is real love that is based on practical actions of doing onto others as you would want other to do onto you. So one can claim that it is in love with certain person, but his action prove the other way around.

I supported my girlfriend with nice and not so nice approach in order to start her process of self-honesty, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, but she was not able or did not wanted to grasp the material and do her process. Thus I decided to end this relationship since it was not supportive for me and influenced me in also slowing down my own process. So I am now moving on and I will be prepared to engage in new relationship or agreement only if the other person will be actually willing and able to walk with me in the process as one and equal.

For those who want to find out more about the process of self-realization that I have been involved in for about two years now, Google "Desteni I Process" or visit this URL > http://www.desteniiprocess.com
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2011 - Backchat 24. March 2011

This is the example of writing out the back-chat, which are voices or thoughts in ones head, as support to stop the constant uncontrolled self-chat that distracts us from what is really here. The text will be used to develop the Back-Chat phase of Desteni I Process, it has been checked by my buddy and suggested to be published on Demonology web site and here in my blog as support for others.

I see that it is almost two weeks after I returned from Desteni farm, and I have not uploaded any vlog. I think: “What will Bernard think of me? Will he become angry with me? Will he start to disregard me? Will he ban me? Will he think that I am a lost case?” I do not want to make any moves that will result in banning me from Desteni. My intentions of bringing a better world are serious and I see Desteni as organization that has the best practical solutions for making this true, so I would like to stay at Desteni for good.

I feel to have so less capacity at participating in the process, comparing to others. I see how many blog posts and vlogs do other Destonians produce daily, and I am afraid that others would think that I am lazy, that I do nothing, that I do not participate in the process. There is resistance for doing mind constructs and self-forgiveness, but it is not about the process itself. I am willing to do self-forgiveness all day long, but there are so many other things to do.

I see that today is 24. March. I have checked the mail and I see that we are suppose to do and send mind construct and self-forgiveness for the second influential person by 21. March, so I am already three days behind. What will Andrea think of me? Why did she not send me a remainder already? Does she trust me? Did she check the muscle communication and established that it is not necessary to send me a reminder? Or did she forget since she is busy preparing the backchat course. But I see that 28. March is the deadline for this assignment to be done, so there is still four days left.

I procrastinated at doing the memories until yesterday, when I decided to write memories the whole day. I went out in the forest and took the laptop with me. I wanted to test out if I can slow time down by my physical movement, because when I am at home, time goes by so quick. I remember Bernard telling me, while I was on the farm, something about time. Like that time on the farm is moving slowly. So how does he do that? What is time anyway? How come that we perceive time sometimes to pass slowly and sometimes faster? Is this really valid? Does one really do much more work if you have the perception of time moving slowly? Or is this only the perception? Common sense would say that one could do the same amount of work, regardless of the perception of time moving slowly or faster.

What to do next? I decided to continue with self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements today, since I want to finish assignment in time. Yesterday I tested if writing mind constructs in nature would be easier. I imagined how the environment in the woods would inspire me to write more, but when I arrived there, I did not feel any difference. I still experienced the same pain on my butt after sitting on the floor for some time. This damn gravity! I want to focus on writing and finish assignment, but this damn pain is distracting my attention. But I guess this is the part of this reality. When writing, I am in my mind, I disregard the physical, but the physical needs to move constantly, otherwise the gravity destroys the physical.

This reminds me on cats, especially cats on Desteni farm, specifically the white and black cat, which can express it so extensively. Well cats are different. They have the fur and are thus protected from elements, they are smaller and can move quicker, jump, go through holes, windows, and elsewhere. Humans are much bigger. We also feed cats, but we need to feed ourselves. No one is preparing food for us. And we are not able to catch and eat raw food, like cats for example who can catch birds and mouse and eat them. We need to grow and prepare food, and that needs a lot of land, planning, storing, cooking, and washing dishes. Man are we humans complicated. I wish I would be a cat. So nice life they have. They just enjoy themselves, sleep, eat, walk around and let humans to caress them. But I can do nothing about it. I am as human now and I need to accept this.

Do cats think? How can they think if they do not use words to communicate? Bernard told me, that all living being have now the same structure of the mind. Previously animals had collective souls and only humans had individual souls, but now even plants are suppose to have the same mind-consciousness system. But what does this mean? Do now even plants think? How is that possible? I feel so baffled about this. And then there is this self-responsibility point and awareness and unconscious mind. What is awareness anyway? What makes you be aware, what is to be awake and what is to sleep? What is reality? Bernard says that the physical is reality. But what is the physical? Is the physical still real when you sleep? Where do you go when you sleep? I mean, how can you define what is real, if the physical can only exist in relation to human physical body senses?

And what are the resonances, what are the dimensions? Are dimensions real or not? Are dimensions parts of the physical or not? If we are here as the physical real, are then dimensions not real, since they are not here as the physical, and we cannot see or hear them? I real is only what you can touch, smell, see, then the dimensions are not real! What is the difference between the mind fantasy and the dimensions? What if dimensions is in fact the mind? What is difference between the mind and dimensions? What is heaven? Does heaven still exist? How is it possible that dimensions have been cleared? Too many questions. There are answers, but what does these answers mean for living here practically in the physical.

I have met some interesting people online. Some girl who Sunette recommended to ask her for a friendship on FaceBook. She is from Slovenia and had a lot of Destonian friends. She looks very attractive to me, the girl of my dreams. Cute face, long blond hair, the dream come true. So I immediately wrote her. I want to know her, ask her to be my partner, marry her, have kids, live happily forever after, you know, the usual stuff, lol. But how she responded surprised me beyond my imagination. She said that she is part of the group who observe Desteni Slovenia group from the beginning, but they did not want to join since they saw that we are fighting for leadership position and do not advance in our process.

They have some kid, about 14 years old who can see auras. He checked auras of all of us, and saw that Sunette does not have any aura, the same as he, of course. He saw that I am making progress, and that visit to the Desteni farm resulted me in loosing aura in the middle of my spine. I became baffled and surprised about this phenomena. They invited me to meet them this Saturday in Ljubljana. They will share their perspective and tools that they use for their own process. I wanted to get together with this girl alone, but she said that they are working as a group and that it is best to meet the whole group, about five of them. This will be very exciting.

And I also met some new girl, who asked me for a friendship on the FaceBook. She said that I have made my appearance everywhere she looked on the FaceBook, and that she had to contact me. We met in person a few days ago. She sent me some picture via mail before, and she was tall, slim, and I replied her that she is quite cute. But when I saw her in person, the first thought that crossed my mind was: “She is ugly.” I mean WTF! Who triggered this reaction. The fucking mind-consciousness system! She had some spot on the face, slim teethe, she smokes and thus her breath was disgusting to me. But she was very advanced in her process, emotionally stable, became very excited about Desteni, and we connected very well. We also had online chat and we discussed the possibility of getting together, what would be the result of our synergy.

But I would prefer the blond girl. Even if she saves her hair eventually, she is so much cuter. I mean, she is even deep in her process, and understands all about Desteni clearly. But what is relationship anyway. Sex is such a small part of life. The primary goal is now for all of us to collaborate and establish the equality system. And then only will we be able to enjoy heaven on earth. Right? Or do we enjoy ourselves already now? Do we allow ourselves to waste time for pleasure while millions suffer pain and starve to death? Or not?
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2011 - Another strong but short collapse, moved furniture to basement

Yesterday I spent the first night at my father's apartment. The bed was very soft, so I did not sleep very comfortably since I am used to much harder bed. When I woke up, I stayed in the bed, picked my MacBook and started to watch vlogs and to answer emails and FaceBook massages. I spent this way for about two hours without moving much, when I started to feel a bit dizzy. I lifted myself up, got dressed and made a cup of large tea in the kitchen. But the dizziness did not go away, but it only compounded, so I lied down to bed with hopes that it will go away. But the vertigo became stronger and stronger. I felt hopeless, since I was only able to breathe and nothing else, and a many thoughts flew through my mind that I was unable to stop. So I indulged the sensation with expectation that the body will soon sort itself out as usual. I started to feel sick in the stomach and the body temperature started rising. I perceived this fever to be a body natural defense mechanism in order to burn all the toxins. I was under influence of the lecture of Italian doctor who explained that it is the fungus who starts to spread in the body and is the cause of tumors. So I imagined that the heat is frying this fungus or some viral system that have spread in my head and took me over. Then the sickness in the stomach became so strong, that I went to bathroom and emptied my stomach by vomiting. I perceived like the body accumulated all the toxins and malicious systems in the stomach and now it was turn to remove it out of the body. After vomiting the fluid, since it was the third day of fasting, and I have been drinking nothing but water and tea, I returned to the bed and continued to rest. Slowly the temperature started to fall and the vertigo disappears.

In the afternoon I worked on my desktop PC in order to fix some tax errors that I made. I was to return some amount of money to several companies that payed my bills, since it was theirs duty to pay the income tax in my behalf. It took me about three hours to execute all the online bank transactions and to prepare mail for the clients. It was about 6pm when I took the mail to the post office and then I went to my ex-apartment in order to continue with emptying the rooms. So far I was able to empty all the furniture and now I needed to dismantle the furniture and store it temporary in the basement until I move to Ljubljana after I return from Africa. Slowly I dismantled the bedroom, the sofa and office table, and then I carried it, together with bamboo furniture from the counseling office, that did not need any dismantling, into basement. When I would empty one room, I would deep-clean the carpet with the Vorwerk vacuum cleaner and the cleaning powder so the new owners would move into perfectly tidy apartment. While moving the furniture I learned that if I use all my strength to push something, I would immediately get dizzy, so I became very careful not to exaggerate. Occasionally I took a glass of water, and I noticed that in spite of long work, my head became more and more clear. It was exactly midnight when I finished transporting all the furniture to basement and deep-cleaned the largest room and the bedroom. Now I only need to came once again in order to deep-clean the living room and to wash the kitchen and all the windows.

When I returned to my father's apartment, I changed the mattress with the harder one that I brought from my ex-apartment. I slept very well and inspire of 6 hours recent hard physical work, I woke up at 4am, so only after 4 hours of sleep, which surprised me very much. My head was very clear, so I picked up the notebook and checked up messages and played the new Desteni videos. I noticed that the new http://www.demonology.co.za web site and the http://www.youtube.com/demonsdaily YouTube channel has been launched that will provide proper support regarding demons and demon possessions, which I find very cool.

I then watched national TV daily news recording and there were two major points. One indicated large riots in the Egypt and it seems that the people all over the world are getting tired of suppression and slavery. There were also some cleanups in our country, since the news reported of some judge that took bribery and they managed to collect sufficient evidence in order to convict him. There is a lot of corruption in our country, but if someone makes any report, it is mainly disregarded, since the elite stick together and support each other. Thus some major removal of all the current public employees will be needed in order to stop driving our country towards bankruptcy.

After four hours of working with computer in the bed, at 7am I decided to continue resting. I rested for about two hours and started at 9am started writing this blog. I still have very clear and stable head and I wish this state to continue. In spite of sweating a lot these days, I did not take a shower or had a shave for four days. Usually I feel very uncomfortable after I sweat, and pimples quickly appear due to greasy clogged skin. But now my skin was clear, no pimples and I did not smell bad at all. However I am going to shave and take a shower right after I finish this blog post, since at noon, we are having dinner to celebrate my father's 60th birthday. He told me, that the dinner will be on Sunday, but yesterday evening he told me, that he made a mistake and that the dinner will take place today, on Saturday. I am looking forward to meet close relatives, I already met my brother and his family two days ago, but today also the half-sister and her partner will come, which I did not see for more than a year. I expect that everyone will have a lot of questions about my plans regarding moving to different location and traveling to Desteni farm, so it could be very interesting.
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