2011 - Fear attacked me again, stronger than ever

Today fear attacked me once again. It has been about 6 weeks since the last attack that happened while I was visiting Desteni farm in South Africa. Bernard warned me that if I continue my activities without effectively doing my process, it will reappear. But I did not believe that it will happen again since I perceived the support on the farm to be effective enough to release the most of the fear energy from my body. But I was wrong. Terribly wrong. Today in the morning, while I was lying in the bed, in the moment when I started to wake up from my sleep, it hit me stronger than ever. It was immediate vertigo, making me totally helpless and not able to move even a bit. All what I could do is to stay laying down and breathe. Then the temperature of my body increased and I started to sweat extensively. I mean, I was soaking wet, like if I would jump in the water. I expected for vertigo to go away soon, as usual, but it just continued and continued. Then, after a while, nausea started to appear and I had to vomit. I started to rise while vertigo making me very unstable and I rushed to the toilet next door. I vomited, but of course only saliva, since my stomach digested all the food during the night. After I while I returned to bed and continued to lye down, waiting for vertigo to disappear. But it still persisted, and even nausea reappeared again. It was so strong and sudden that I was unable to stand up and go to bathroom, so I just opened the drawer of the bedside cabinet and puked into it. This nausea attack continued and I puked in the cabinet for more than 10 times. I don't know exactly when I firstly woke up and when the vertigo finally completely went away, but I have a feeling that it took at least 3 hours. After it passed, I rouse up, cleaned the cabinet and took a shower.

While experiencing fear attack, I felt that is was coming out of my belly region, a few centimetres bellow my belly button, and it spread throughout my whole body. Parallel to this feeling, a lot of thoughts flashed through my head. It were all the thought of fear about what others might say, how others will judge me, criticise me, and not accept me. This back-chat followed me also yesterday when I was working on computer, sharing information about Desteni, and before that, when I went to the mountains for a couple of hours. I have now decided that I will climb at least one big hill twice a week to ground myself and to loose excessive weight that accumulated due to lack of physical activity in past several months. I take my laptop and camera with me so I can blog in nature and do some auto portraits of myself blogging at interesting locations. While I walk up the hills, I pay attention to breathe effectively and not allow any thought to run through my head. If I am not able to stop them by breathing, I stop and speak out self-forgiveness and self-corrective statement. But the back-chat is very persistent, and it bothers me constantly. Especially about what people could think when I publish my photos of blogging in nature on my FaceBook profile. If I title them "Blogging in nature", will they see this only me, wanting to make myself important, will they become envious, will they judge me? Because I did not actually blog on every specific place where I took the picture. Sometimes it started to rain when I reached the top of the mountain, sometimes it was already so late that I had to return in order to escape darkness, and sometimes the place with the interesting view was too uncomfortable to blog. So I will have to include this info in the description of my photo gallery in order to be completely honest about that. Basically my starting point was just to show a bit of my surrounding while making the pictures more interesting by putting myself blogging in it and thus also inviting other to also start to write themselves to freedom.

Lately I have been very obsessed with sharing information about Desteni, creating a new FaceBook group, and doing extensive comments as many people have asked questions and needed explanation. My room is total mess, the same with my kitchen, since I procrastinate to tidy things up due to defining this as unimportant. It is time to stop this obsession and support myself first. I have allowed myself to play a role of saviour, of the one who needs to fix this world, without understanding that I have to fix myself firstly. I see a lot of this mind patterns to come from my father, who has all his life helped others, made a lot of technological improvements and innovations, and is still trying to impress others by creating products that captivate his clients. And he raised me to be the same, even better, to use latest technology and computers in order to create great graphic designs. But he did not care much about focusing on self and doing some kind of intense realisation techniques. So I have to break this spell of the past, of how I was raised, and start to support myself more effectively and not being so dependant from other's people opinions. I do not need for others to tell me what is right and what is wrong, since it is always their own opinion, based on their own accepted and allowed believes and desires, and this is not the ultimate truth at all. I am able to clearly support myself by moving breath by breath, applying simple principle of what is best for all. So no fear needs to be created of what others might think if I do what is best for all. By following this principle, I never harm anyone and thus I do not have to fear that others will also want to harm me. But of course, I will have to be careful that what I do is really what is best for all, and it is best to check with more people for their perspective in order to remove my subtle self-deceptions of believing that something I do is best for all while in fact it is not.

1. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that it is best for me to share Desteni information to others as much as possible, making sure that everyone's question is answered, any comment replied, every friendship accepted, and then only spending rest of the time for my personal stuff, instead of realising that it is not for me to be the head of Desteni Slovenia and do all the correspondence, that it is enough material out there on the internet for everyone to research for themselves if they are really interested in self-purification and making this world a better place.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear that if I do not prove myself with constant sharing of solutions for this world, others will not accept me as model member of society, instead of realising that I have a limited capacity of supporting solutions that will bring a better world, and that I will only be able to participate effectively if I firstly take good care of my personal life and then only spend the rest of my time on changing the system and supporting others.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be judged by others if they see my pictures of me blogging, fearing that they will interpret them as me bragging, instead of realising that picture is simply a picture, a bunch of pixels, and whatever observer imagines that the picture represents, it is his own created believe in his mind and it has nothing to do what the picture really is, namely just a collection of colours and shapes.
   
   
4. I will always put the priority of sorting out my personal physical reality, the next point will be doing my Desteni I Process, and only the rest of the time will I dedicate to share Desteni information. Self-support first, otherwise I will not be able to support anyone else effectively. 

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2011 - Another strong but short collapse, moved furniture to basement

Yesterday I spent the first night at my father's apartment. The bed was very soft, so I did not sleep very comfortably since I am used to much harder bed. When I woke up, I stayed in the bed, picked my MacBook and started to watch vlogs and to answer emails and FaceBook massages. I spent this way for about two hours without moving much, when I started to feel a bit dizzy. I lifted myself up, got dressed and made a cup of large tea in the kitchen. But the dizziness did not go away, but it only compounded, so I lied down to bed with hopes that it will go away. But the vertigo became stronger and stronger. I felt hopeless, since I was only able to breathe and nothing else, and a many thoughts flew through my mind that I was unable to stop. So I indulged the sensation with expectation that the body will soon sort itself out as usual. I started to feel sick in the stomach and the body temperature started rising. I perceived this fever to be a body natural defense mechanism in order to burn all the toxins. I was under influence of the lecture of Italian doctor who explained that it is the fungus who starts to spread in the body and is the cause of tumors. So I imagined that the heat is frying this fungus or some viral system that have spread in my head and took me over. Then the sickness in the stomach became so strong, that I went to bathroom and emptied my stomach by vomiting. I perceived like the body accumulated all the toxins and malicious systems in the stomach and now it was turn to remove it out of the body. After vomiting the fluid, since it was the third day of fasting, and I have been drinking nothing but water and tea, I returned to the bed and continued to rest. Slowly the temperature started to fall and the vertigo disappears.

In the afternoon I worked on my desktop PC in order to fix some tax errors that I made. I was to return some amount of money to several companies that payed my bills, since it was theirs duty to pay the income tax in my behalf. It took me about three hours to execute all the online bank transactions and to prepare mail for the clients. It was about 6pm when I took the mail to the post office and then I went to my ex-apartment in order to continue with emptying the rooms. So far I was able to empty all the furniture and now I needed to dismantle the furniture and store it temporary in the basement until I move to Ljubljana after I return from Africa. Slowly I dismantled the bedroom, the sofa and office table, and then I carried it, together with bamboo furniture from the counseling office, that did not need any dismantling, into basement. When I would empty one room, I would deep-clean the carpet with the Vorwerk vacuum cleaner and the cleaning powder so the new owners would move into perfectly tidy apartment. While moving the furniture I learned that if I use all my strength to push something, I would immediately get dizzy, so I became very careful not to exaggerate. Occasionally I took a glass of water, and I noticed that in spite of long work, my head became more and more clear. It was exactly midnight when I finished transporting all the furniture to basement and deep-cleaned the largest room and the bedroom. Now I only need to came once again in order to deep-clean the living room and to wash the kitchen and all the windows.

When I returned to my father's apartment, I changed the mattress with the harder one that I brought from my ex-apartment. I slept very well and inspire of 6 hours recent hard physical work, I woke up at 4am, so only after 4 hours of sleep, which surprised me very much. My head was very clear, so I picked up the notebook and checked up messages and played the new Desteni videos. I noticed that the new http://www.demonology.co.za web site and the http://www.youtube.com/demonsdaily YouTube channel has been launched that will provide proper support regarding demons and demon possessions, which I find very cool.

I then watched national TV daily news recording and there were two major points. One indicated large riots in the Egypt and it seems that the people all over the world are getting tired of suppression and slavery. There were also some cleanups in our country, since the news reported of some judge that took bribery and they managed to collect sufficient evidence in order to convict him. There is a lot of corruption in our country, but if someone makes any report, it is mainly disregarded, since the elite stick together and support each other. Thus some major removal of all the current public employees will be needed in order to stop driving our country towards bankruptcy.

After four hours of working with computer in the bed, at 7am I decided to continue resting. I rested for about two hours and started at 9am started writing this blog. I still have very clear and stable head and I wish this state to continue. In spite of sweating a lot these days, I did not take a shower or had a shave for four days. Usually I feel very uncomfortable after I sweat, and pimples quickly appear due to greasy clogged skin. But now my skin was clear, no pimples and I did not smell bad at all. However I am going to shave and take a shower right after I finish this blog post, since at noon, we are having dinner to celebrate my father's 60th birthday. He told me, that the dinner will be on Sunday, but yesterday evening he told me, that he made a mistake and that the dinner will take place today, on Saturday. I am looking forward to meet close relatives, I already met my brother and his family two days ago, but today also the half-sister and her partner will come, which I did not see for more than a year. I expect that everyone will have a lot of questions about my plans regarding moving to different location and traveling to Desteni farm, so it could be very interesting.
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2011 - How physical supports me with itching and vertigo in detail

I have been raised up to become a good brave boy that my parents could be proud of. My mother worked as a midwife and my father was firstly a chimney sweeper, than a head of a air cleaning unit in the steel factory and then he finally started his own business. In the beginning we produced innovative products for steel industry and when recession started, we transformed into visual communications family business. With my younger brother I was helping to produce stuff and services since elementary school and we were not allowed to go out since we could end in the bad company.

During the years of working, I had to obey my father and do what he wanted me to, so I learned to suppress my emotions. This suppression started to manifest on my physical body as the itching region of the skin around my genitals. Firstly I did not know what the reason was, so I went to a doctor who prescribed the treatment with some ointment. This did not help, so I researched alternative medicine and visited several different Chinese and Ayurvedic specialist, but nothing helped. Then after years of the research and experiences, I recognized that there is nothing out there that can help me, since the cause of the problem is within me. I noticed that the pinching itching sensations manifested every time when I had certain kind of thoughts and emotional reactions. When I met Desteni in october 2009, I became familiar with the tools of self-forgiveness and advanced tools of mind constructs that supported me in defusing this emotional reactions. I have noticed, that within last year, I have gradually became more and more stable, the itching diminished extensively, and also the general skin condition improved significantly.

A few years ago I also started to experience vertigos. Several times a year I got so sudden strong vertigo with nausea that I vomited, but this lasted just one day. But a few months ago, I got I massive vertigo that diminished slowly only after one week. This happened after spending a weekend with some girl and then she returned home monday morning. I started to research what could be the cause of the vertigos. Some small vertigos also started to manifest suddenly during the day and I noticed that it appeared after certain form of thinking or mind patterns. I became very attentive about what I was thinking the moment before the vertigo appeared. Most of this small ones went away after I lied down on the sofa and took a short nap for half an hour or so. But I am noticing that I have become more and more sensitive to certain mind patterns and that I had to become more careful about what I am thinking. I could say that the physical has starting to become more and more demanding and that the tolerance level of my unequal thinking has reduced.

Now I have been researching what kind of mind patterns result in what kind of physical support and I came to the following conclusion. The support of itching is related to the mind patterns of anger, intolerance and rushing, thus also the skin developed a rash. It can also be described as the the production of hot energy that burns and disintegrates my skin. Thus I need to cool down my emotions, forgive myself and breathe effectively. And the support of vertigo is related to different kind of mind patterns, like over achiever, superiority and is linked also to emotions like envy and arrogance, wanting to become something more, higher, reaching the sky, thus my head stopped me with the vertigo in order to lower myself down to the equal level with others. The sensation when thinking this kind of mind patterns is like some kind of heavy fog or pickling and tingling feeling that compounds and expands and occupies my whole head. And when I start breathing effectively, my head becomes clear and table again.

So I need constantly to pay attention to my mind patterns and not allowing any anger or envy in order to avoid sensation of itching or vertigo and constantly breathe effectively. I am very thankful to physical for this support, since it mirrors my actions very clearly and supports me on the path to self-realization.
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