Day 108: Relationship addiction

In relation to listening of What is Sex audios and Bernard Poolman's death based on a heart attack, I became more aware of sexual anergy connections and associations that I created in regards to sex, energy of orgasm and relationships. Also the interviews of death experiences enabled me to understand the process of dying from a new perspective where the extensive influence of the mind or mind-consciousness system is exposed. That created additional motivation to change my habits, especially in regards to masturbation and watching porn.

What I have noticed was that I in a way enjoy being single and master of my time, having peace and silence whenever I want, however a part of me desires to be in a relationship with a woman of specific characteristics, not only for sex, but also as a business associate. I understand this desire is mostly the product of influence from society and my parents who want me to be in relationship, get married and have kids. However many successful people are single since having a steady partner is too much of obligation and time-consuming situation.

In spite of being satisfied with me as being a single person, I occasionally find myself fantasizing to engage in sex or relationship with some young, beautiful woman. This fantasies can be triggered simply by looking at some picture of random FaceBook profile or watching some movie trailer or even meeting some person in flesh. I then imagine myself being with this person and start thinking about how to contact this person in order to find out if she would be a proper partner for me.

Within this thinking I evaluate all the characteristics of the person, like if they smoke and drink, if they are intelligent and educated, if I would like the tone of their voice and smell of their skin and also if they would be willing to start a process of self-honesty and collaborate in business projects with me. I then very quickly conclude that it is a very small chance that some person on the photo would be fully qualified in regards to all that demands and that it would probably be waste of time trying to contact them and research their personality.

However sometimes I would stumble on some photo of a woman that I would find especially attractive, and I don't mean in terms of just being pretty like a photo model or a beauty queen, but there would be a certain face characteristics of a person that I interpret like being very open and relaxed person, exactly the personality type that I always desired. I would then research the profile of the person for example discover that this person is already in relationship or married or even has kids. This realization would trigger a great disappointment and sorrow, that sometimes accumulates into a hearth arrhythmia or a small heart attack.

When I experience this kind of heart problem, I have to immediately bring myself back here, focus on my breathing and stop daydreaming. So this is definitely a proof that mind creates nothing but troubles and can even create a massive heart attack that results in death. This can especially manifest during sex when, as I learned from the inter-dimensional audios, heart literally stops every time when the orgasm is experienced. I will have to become more careful about participating in the mind before it is to late and the mind would destroy my physical body beyond repair.

2011 - Destructive nature of love as feeling

I just finished a relationship that lasted for almost exactly one year. It started when one girl fall in love with me over internet since we had a lot of common interests. She then very persistently started to call and message me and wanting to meet with me. I in kind a way felt very flattered that someone has so much interest in me, but I was also aware that this kind of obsession is not the best foundation for any relationship. But since I did not want to pre-judge her, I gave her a chance and started a relationship with her.

When we first met face to face, I explained her that my interests are in self-realisation and making this world a better place for all. I told her that we can be only in kind a relationship that we call An Agreement. This is not a typical relationship where two people start living together and start supporting each other personality or ego, but the other way around. Partners are to expose each other's destructive behavior patterns and transform them so that they are not only best for that person, but best for all living beings on this world.

My girlfriend agreed that she is prepared to work on herself, analyze and remove all mind patterns that cause her to emotionally react and that also made her to define me as something more and thus created the energy that she calls love. You see, there are two kinds of love. One is fake love of the mind that is the energy feeling, and other is real love that is based on practical actions of doing onto others as you would want other to do onto you. So one can claim that it is in love with certain person, but his action prove the other way around.

I supported my girlfriend with nice and not so nice approach in order to start her process of self-honesty, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, but she was not able or did not wanted to grasp the material and do her process. Thus I decided to end this relationship since it was not supportive for me and influenced me in also slowing down my own process. So I am now moving on and I will be prepared to engage in new relationship or agreement only if the other person will be actually willing and able to walk with me in the process as one and equal.

For those who want to find out more about the process of self-realization that I have been involved in for about two years now, Google "Desteni I Process" or visit this URL > http://www.desteniiprocess.com
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