13 April 2011

2011 - Exposing nasty tricks of my ego

It is 3am and I am not able to sleep. This is a very rare case and I can not remember the last case when the thoughts did not let me to rest. I also feel a bit of muscle pain in legs and shoulders, probably due to starting to go in the mountains twice a week and picking very steep slopes and using walking sticks. I went to bed 2 hours ago, so that will be at 1am. I have been indoor for the whole day and did not go outside even for a bit, and I spent a lot of time in front of computer. I have started to clean the mess in my room, so I managed to tidy up the bags and photo equipment, sort out all the papers, pay all the bills, wash the dishes, so my living room floor, computer desk and kitchen is now in order. All that is still left to do is to iron the laundry and I am basically done.

So yesterday afternoon, after I finished the main stuff, I have continued to think about if I should also buy low-entry professional camcorder in order to have more options for shooting video and also add professional video services to my professional photography services. Now I have already invested a lot in still and studio photography, and the DSLR camera that I bought is also able to shoot Full HD video. I basically wanted to buy the DSLR with video capability due to need of shooting vlogs for my Desteni I Process. I previously recorded some vlogs on my MacBook that has integrated camera, but I was not satisfied with the low resolution and my face blown-up due to perspective distortion. And now, after I purchased the DSLR with video capability, I found out that it can shoot maximum 20 minutes of continuous video. That would be sufficient until recently, since YouTube limited the length of uploaded videos to firstly 10 minutes and then to 15 minutes.

But then my English YouTube channel got automatically upgraded to more that 15 minutes, so I am now able to shoot vlogs with basically unlimited length. This is very cool, since I was not fun of having to set the stop watch and constantly watch the time in order to finish talking before I reach the video length limit. So now I am procrastinating with shooting vlogs due to excuse that I will not feel totally comfortable and relaxed due to DSLR camera 20 minutes limitation. I want to be able to have a camera that would record at least one hour of continuous video in order for me not having to fear that the camera will stop recording before I say whatever I want to say. Thus yesterday I have been checking different video camera models that will be the best combination of quality, ergonomics, capability and price range in order to use it for my vlogs as also for professional videography. I also want to buy a more stable video camera tripod with the video head that would allow me much more smooth video panning. And I even checked the models of glidecam video camera support systems that would enable me to shoot stable video even during walking or running.

I love to shoot photos and video, but the part that I dislike the most is the post-production, especially in moving pictures. Even in still photography there is a lot of options to adjust colour, do retouch, different composition, so I could spend hours, even days enhancing one single photo. And now in the video, you have 30 picture per second. They are of course much lower resolution in comparison to still photos, and you have almost none options of cropping and rotating the video, but now you have a timeline to deal with and also sound to be careful about. So it takes extensive amount of time to edit and then also to render the video, and there are a lot of options for colour manipulation and to do special video effects. You can practically create virtual video scene just using the computer. And with the combination with the green screen keying there is even more potentials of combining video clips and express yourself in video artistry. While considering all this, I have to be careful about not get carried away and ignore the rest of my life that is more important that doing the graphic, photo and video creative work. I need to stop being so perfectionistic, but even this would be in order of I would not be in a way restless inside, full of self-judgement about what I do.

This patterns of trying to do the best, of being perfect is very troublesome phenomena. It is hard to be the judge of when the product is perfect enough and when it is time to stop and say: "It is finished". It is strange the rules of beauty, the "sacred" geometry,  the golden ratio, the Fibonacci spiral, a pre-defined and pre-programmed patterns that trap me in the mind and CON-sciousness. Where is here life, where is here the freedom of expression, the awareness of the totality of what exists here? And in spite of me being a successful freelancer and apparently model member of society, there is a lot of subtle conflicts existing deep inside of me. The invisible enemy within, the self-deceiver, the cunning back-chat that is destroying me without me consciously being aware off it. It accumulates very slowly, very silently, and then it hits me with brutal force without warning. I mean, there are warning, but they are so subtle that I miss to notice them and ignore them as unimportant. But basically it is still my responsibility and there is no place for justification. It is I who deliberately ignored all the warnings, and allowed myself for the energetic feelings of the mind to seduce me and totally blind be.

And now the consequences get manifested faster and faster, so there is no room for me to bullshit any longer, things are getting fucking serious. For example just before I went to sleep today, I was checking the mail and noticed six of email notifications that Bla┼ż sent me while sharing the documents for translation of Equal Money System book. I opened the messages and noticed that it were just links to Google Docs files and that I dont's need them, since I am able to find the files any time by logging into my Google account. So I selected all six of messages and wanted to click on delete button. But in the moment of clicking the button - BOOM. My head shifted left in a blink of an eye for about 10 centimetres and HELLO VERTIGO! I think: "Fuck, what the hell, not again!" But luckily it did not persist and I was able to quite normally go to the bathroom and to the bed. But o my, is this a tricky phenomena. I must of had some very tiny subconscious reaction, some kind of fear or anxiety that triggered this vertigo. This is such interesting support, disabling me to allow any kind of subconscious self-judgements. I am in a way thankful for that kind of support from the physical, but it is so very hard to be clear inside, without holding to any conflicting definition.

The FEAR! I will definitely need to work more on removing the fear patterns, all the self-judgements that I have accepted and allowed and projected towards others instead of taking responsibility for their creation and self-forgiving them. I have noticed that I have become much more emotionally stable, that I have been able to communicate with others without projecting my emotional reactions in my words, talking by using common sense and what is best for all, but this has been only my personality disguise. I feel like I am able to support others to benefit from Desteni tools of self-realisation and support the equality system consciously, but there is a lot of work to do in my subconscious and unconscious level of the mind. Constant back-chat, voices in my head that make me think if what I do is right, if it is the best, if there is maybe not a better way to do it, and the feeling that there is no time, that I need to hurry, to rush, before this world goes to hell completely. A complex of saviour, of light warrior on the mission to fight the darkness and remove all the evil from existence. Without being aware that true evil is inside me, that it is deep in my mind, using all sort of tricks. Ego is the master of deception, and I need to start recognising all his tricks before it will destroy me completely.
  1. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to forget to breathe effectively and thus allowing my mind to move and thought to be produced, instead of realising that absolute attention on my breath in every moment need to be held in order for me to stay here and direct myself towards what is best for all without the past of holding me in its claws.

  2. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to be afraid that I will not be able to support myself if I invest too much money in my professional equipment, that I might run out of money and not be able to get enough clients that will be able to pay for my services, instead of realising that even if I buy a very expensive camera, I will still have enough money left to pay for all my basic need for several years.

  3. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to ask too many people on the FaceBook to become my friends due to my obsession with introducing as many people as possible with Desteni solution and thus compromising my FaceBook profile to be blocked, instead of realising that I need to slow down extensively and focus on my own process, and that in time enough people will find out about Desteni to finally practically manifest heaven on earth.

  4. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to procrastinate at doing my vlogs, fearing that others will judge me if I vlog using only monitor-integrated video camera due to low resolution and perspective distortion and that they will make fun of me, instead of realising that vlogs are not to impress others with visual quality, but to support myself in total self-honesty, helping me to get aware of my mind-patterns, and thus quality of video is really not important as long as audio is good enough for others to hear me clearly what I am saying in order to support me and point out any subtle self-deceptions.

  5. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to procrastinate with editing the photos that I shot for a client that is my father's friend due to my father not pushing me constantly, instead of realising that I need to take good care about my business and make the professional jobs my priority in order to be effective in this reality and not get completely broke due to believe that money is bad and that I am not worth of becoming wealthy.

  6. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to rush and be afraid that I will run out of time and thus not being effective at finishing all my projects, instead of realising that the time is only the projection of the mind, that what matters is only what is here, and that I need to organise my time, breathe effectively and complete all the projects breathe by breathe, one at a time.

  7. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to become overwhelmed with the potentials of expression using digital technology and loosing myself in all the options, instead of realising that I will never need all the options and be able to learn all the tricks, and that this is completely irrelevant, since I need to learn and use only the options that are required to successfully complete my projects.

  8. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to use words to justify my ego, thinking that only talking will also sort my mind bullshit, instead of realising that I will be able to purify my true self only with focusing on myself and in total self-honesty and self-forgive all tiny self-deceptions, without any want to be or become something more that others due to doing the process of self-realisation.

  9. I focus on myself, support myself firstly, do the process with total self-honesty and complete dedication, as one and equal with others, take care of my private and business life, and then only spending the rest of my time to share information about Desteni with others.
It is 5:30am, I feel like I have done enough for this moment and I will continue to face myself without mercy in my next blogs and vlogs.

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